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  1. Hello, Could someone please honestly tell me because I can't trust myself because I'm a recovering drug addict. (Id like to put a disclaimer right here that I don't follow 12-step dogma so please don't start preaching that even though it does work for many) anyways, new diagnosis I'm a 33-year-old male finally told that I have a little bit of aspbergers disorder which is now technically on the autism spectrum and ADHD to go together with my OCD, and GAD oh I can't forget about the clinical depression either. I was a severe opioid and benzo addict taking crazy amounts I am now medicated but I'm worried about the amount of stimulants. I have never abused stimulants other than MDMA really and I don't know much about them. I was just put on Adderall XR seven months ago now I'm a 6 foot tall 240 pound male. It was amazing to see the effects that it had. I can finally look people in the eyes and my brain was finally slow. It was like for years they tried to numb with the stupid benzo's but my brain would still race. However, the dosing scares me because I don't know anyone else that takes this. I take 60 mg in the morning and another 30 mg capsule at 1400. They don't last 12 hours and I work about 10 hours a day so I find the 90 mg keeps me good for the majority actually really good for thee whole day and I still sleep for 6 to 8 hours But I didn't quit shooting up heroin to die from a heart attack..so can any of you give me some input please. Ps. By the way I also take 60 mg of Paxil and 4 mg of Xanax which sounds high but is pretty good considering before the Adderall I was taking eight and this was prescribed by my addiction Doctor. I honestly was not abusing that. I needed that to function soon as I went on the Adderall I stopped having the stupid panic attacks and have managed to cut my dose in half. I also take an opioid called Suboxone which is used to treat addiction. So yes technically I'm on amphetamine, benzodiazepine and opioid and an SSRI but, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm actually functioning and holding down a job and stuff for the first time in my life. I could really use some helpful opinions
  2. i've had one too many jobs. I'm aware I'm beginning to wear myself down of places I can work here. What's worse is I don't have my drivers license, or even remotely have a clue HOW to drive. Every time I lose a job, I immediately hunt for another one. I'm beginning to think I may as well have a damn felon record (no offense to anyone who does) because I feel like with how many jobs I've quit, employers are gonna look at me twice. I'm a very honest and hard working person, but no one wants to give me the benfit of the doubt. My disability finally has been approived, but I'm also by no means ready to live on my own. I can't. I have to have someone with me. I lost my best friend, and my boyfriend lives in universit housing. Although they are apartments, but I can't be on the lease and I technically can't move in. But they won't care. The only other issue is my parents don't know we're together. I'm just tired of feeling like I dug myself a hole I cant escape from... its really depressesing me.
  3. I just wanted to add my experience with the Fisher-Wallace Stimulator. Here is what it says on their website: "The Fisher Wallace Stimulator® is cleared by the FDA for the treatment of depression and anxiety. During each 20-minute treatment session (once or twice a day), the device stimulates the brain to produce serotonin and other neurochemicals required for healthy mood, without causing the side effects of medication. Patients may use the device with or without medication, but should not reduce their current medication without first speaking to their doctor." Damn straight patients should not reduce their medication. I have moderate-severe depression and anxiety. I experienced nothing from this device after using it faithfully for six weeks, 20 minutes, twice a day. And do you know what they want to charge you? $699.00 . . . I decided to rent it for the sum of $200.00 - boy was that money better spent on meds or therapy! I was SUPER excited about this device and read every study, watched every video with psychiatrists recommending it, and every patient stating how much it helped them. I can't tell you how shocked I was at the total lack of results. And they use this with Veterans who have PTSD? The results are placebo effect at best - at worst I hope this device is not being used in place of medications because it's a waste of time. In conclusion, I give it a five sad-face rating.
  4. I'd like to know if anyone else has this 'problem' please. I found out last week that my pdoc changed my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to bipolar 1. I cried all day. After reading the criteria, I see that I AM bp1, but there's something about how it's so hard to treat...it's really upsetting me. Anyone ever felt that way?
  5. I so need some advice on this. My pdoc and tdoc are very aware that I have anorexia. It's been in remission for about a year+. They know I'm struggling. I just want opinions of people who KNOW how this feels. I saw on my dr chart that I have a 28 BMI based on that chart. I'm aware I'm not thin, but I know I'm not obese. I've been able to keep the weight in perspective for a long time, but I feel myself slipping. I've even lost weight recently, in a healthy manner. Some of my disabilities make it hard: legally blind (use a cane), fibromyalgia, chronic pain and a spine full of herniated discs/pinched nerves/moderate arthritis. I'm 42. I know my anorexia contributed to alot of that. I can feel the evil anorexia voices getting louder (not out loud, y'all know what I mean). I'm finding it hard not to self harm over it. My Drs know that, too. I feel like a tub of lard. I'm becoming really anxious and upset if I can't weigh myself a few times a day. I am struggling. Any ideas? Thanks.
  6. I've been in recovery for my anorexia for 1yr+. I gained a LOT of weight in that time, but have taken half off in a healthy way. Still, my BMI is showing 28. Not pleased. I've been fighting to stay in remission. My pdoc and tdoc are in on all of this. I just need some opinions, please. My sister had plastic surgery 2wks ago. She didn't tell me about it until it was over. She was afraid my anorexia would come out of remission. But, she's sort of my caregiver, as I'm blind and need rides to stuff. She had to tell me. And it's triggering me. I'm fine with all of it except the lipo. I feel so disgustingly fat now. I've been anorexic for 28yrs and it's always a struggle. I get that. This is the struggle that might beat me I'm afraid. I'm hyper focused on my weight/BMI. I can FEEL my fat move even if I'm laying down flat. I just feel it like its huge weights falling into me. It's the feeling that really isn't there, but you feel it with this damn disease. I'm struggling not to start the self harm back. I feel disgusting and worthless. All signs of coming out of remission. I've got so many health problems, I can't afford it to come back. WHY is her lipo driving me to hate myself even more? I've never been this way with her. How has this surgery on some other person wrecking havoc on my mentality? Any ideas of opinions? Thanks
  7. I broke down and finally went through with it thoroughly to see a Tdoc then a Pdoc last year and since then have tried quite a few different meds for my Dx (see signature below). Just a few months back my Pdoc went on maternity leave (while I was just given the Buspar to try) and was assigned another Pdoc while she was away. When it was time to go back I went in and told him what issues I was having with the Buspar and he Rx'd me the Clonazepam (0.5mg 3x daily) to try. It did work for awhile. My regular Pdoc came back, she seen what I was on and pretty much said she didn't like the idea of anyone being on it & how it was addicting, etc. She asked me if it helped, I said "Yes" (was too afraid at the time to say that it worked well for awhile but not as much anymore in fear she would change it to some other Rx) and she also asked if it helped with my sleep as well, of which I said "No" (because it didn't) and she gave me the 15mg daily of the Mirtazapine for sleep. Found out that 15mg makes me way too groggy the next day, so I just take a sliver of it each night (probably a mg or 2) and it works great like that. But back to the main issue at hand, the Clonazepam... it worked for awhile but not-so much now, but I am afraid to bring it up to her. I don't know what I should say to her, I've just been telling myself that I'll go in and act like everything's hunky-dory and working great but I hate that I am feeling the way I do (luckily not as bad but still). What should I do?
  8. Was finally doing well on Brintellix for about 2mths then had random panic attack out of no where. Anxiety/depression never left afterwards. Doctor is considering that I have bipolar but is not yet ready to give that DX and wants to treat the recent anxiety relapse as just that Anxiety. So she has recommended Buspar. Anyone take this combo? Also looking for just side effects of Buspar. I have read that it can cause rage... That scares me. Almost to the point of not wanting to try it since I am home for nearly 50 hours a week with my 2 little ones ages 2-4. If I did anything to hurt them..... then well. Yea. That would be my undoing. Nearest family member is over an hour away, and while I have one trusted friend that is 15 mins away, she does work alternating days thats over an hour away as well. Support, suggestions, advice? I do also have .25 Xanax rx and 5mg Valium rx Xanax makes me so sluggish I have a hard time sometimes with the kids even with the low dose, and really dont trust driving with the kids with me. Valium is hit and miss. works perfect, when it works
  9. Hello all! I'm really struggling, have been since the end of this past December. Long story as short as possible, I stopped sleeping in October 2014-December - 10 months ago. My OCD ruminating thinking and compulsive thinking got very bad during this time and the insomnia continued. On December 19th I had a bad panic attack that threw me into a state of derealization. I have been stuck this way ever since- nearly 9 months. Over the 9 months things have progressively gotten worse. I have had vertigo since the derealization started, but it was somewhat manageable. Over the past 2 months it has become unbearable. The only relief I get from the vertigo is laying on the couch. It has especially gotten worse over the past 2 weeks to where I'm almost spinning. It's the worst feeling. I can't stand it anymore. When walking down the aisle of a grocery store-which I rarely do, but went with my husband today- everything appears tilted, almost like it's upside down. Super scary. I am almost constantly in a state of fight or flight. I have insomnia, but if I am lucky/unlucky enough to fall asleep I have nightmares or night terrors. My skin feels like it's on fire and pins and needles from anxiety and I often vomit because my stomach is in knots. I have also developed a nasty case of agoraphobia. my OCD ruminating thinking is out of control always thinking the worst case scenario, or just scary weird thoughts or songs looping over and over in my head. Sometimes I have uncontrollable suicidial ideation. I'm constantly testing my brain to see if I can remember things ie. Celebrity names, street names, old friends names, etc. it's so weird, and I can't let it go until I figure it out. My my memory and focus is terrible. It almost feels like dementia. At times I feel cognitively inept like my brain has completely shut down. I am currently on 40 mg geodon, 50 mg Zoloft, 25 mg elavil (mainly for migraines) 3 mg prozasin at night and 1 mg Ativan 3 x a day. But nothing seems to help. I have been in 3 inpatient facilities since December being diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder, derealization and OCD but no one or nothing gives me relief. Some doctors say I have bipolar "tendencies" but not enough so to diagnose me with it. I don't get it. They say my racing thoughts and racy feeling, insomnia, irritability etc. may be more from OCD and anxiety then from bipolar. I am at my wits end. Not sure how much longer I can take this. Out of desperation yesterday I tried some high CBD low THC marijuana that my nephew bought for me at a medical marijuana dispensary. I took one TINY hit. Last night I felt that it helped with the anxiety, but not the derealization. I took another tiny hit this morning and then another this afternoon. The derealization is awful. I'm not sure if this marijuana has made me feel bad, or if I would have felt this way anyway, but the mental and physical anxiety seems to be a bit better. I know pot is a big no no for derealization, but because it has virtually no THC, I thought it would be worth a try. The strain is called AC/DC and is not supposed to have any psychoactive effect. I hope I didn't cause more damage or prolong this episode (that is if I was ever going to come out of it) is trying this form of medical marijuana a bad idea? does anyone have any advice for me? I'm so scared. I just want to feel better, better than I am now would be fine at this point.
  10. I just was wondering who on the boards had used Namenda (generic name memantine). It is a medication developed to treat Alzheimer's and Lewy's Bodies disease, but it is used off label to treat migraine and anxiety, among other things, including other psych conditions. I'm just curious about hearing about your experiences. There is very little information that I can find on Namenda used for off-label purposes. As for my personal experiences (someone has to start, right?): I started taking 10mg AM/10mg PM of Namenda about three weeks ago. So far: -My appetite has been less, but not severely so -My libido has been better, but I am still having headaches, so that is kind of a drag -My headaches are still fairly frequent, but not as "deep" or severe (this may also be due to botox). About 1 week into taking it, and for the next 7-10 days, it started feeling like my brain was going through a blender. I often couldn't finish sentences, because by the time I said even just the first few words, I forgot why I had said them, and what I was about to say. Writing was easier, because there was evidence in writing of what I had been thinking. But the whole thing was kind of terrifying. Fortunately, just as I was getting most frightened, that calmed down abruptly. The only other really noticeable side effect is that 4 or 5 hours after I take the 10mg AM dose of Namenda, I get exhausted, like I want to fall over I am so tired. I found the term "irresistible urge to nap" while Googling around, and that is best as I can describe it: It is like my body takes over and puts me into bed against my will. Because of this, I asked my Dr. if I could push my AM dose to the same time as my PM dose because the sleepiness is so disruptive (it really is bad). She said I could try switching it from 10mg/10mg, to 5mg/15mg. Today was the first time I tried that. I still got very sleepy, and actually did decide to take a short nap. But I *decided* to, it wasn't that I got sucked into a nap-vortex, the way I had been before. So this is basically my just throwing out what I have experienced, in exchange for hearing what you have experienced. Also, I know this will create a thread that will appear in Google searches for Namenda. So if you have come across this thread while searching the internets, and have something to contribute, please do! [Caveat: This is a pro-med site, no anti-med rants, please.]
  11. Hi I'm Chiaroscuro, I've been away for a few years. I have bipolar type 1 and Generalised Anxiety Disorder which I (& a GP Dr) believe has worked its way up to Panic Disorder. I also have an underactive thyroid and asthma. I'm a wife and mother and am just trying to work out how to live my life and be the best, most happy and mentally stable person I can be I look forward to getting to know you all and to getting reacquainted with others I already know. Love and Light, Chiaroscuro
  12. Reaching out to all the lovely people here to see if anyone else has felt this way. I'm struggling right now with employment and my anxiety/panic triggers. I've just finished 12 months employment (my first employment since 2008) in a bookstore. I loved it, it was quiet, easy, part time, stress free work -especially once I got used to my daily tasks and used to the software-. Sadly, the store closed down and now I'm back on the job hunt and back at Centerlink (Australian Welfare). Now that I am back looking for work, I have been offered some work at a local fast food place. (Years ago, worked at another of the fast food places in town and I found it to be a very triggering environment. I was unable to cope with the fast pace, the staff who expected you to know everything straight away, and the managers that would full on yell at you if you didn't work quickly enough.) I know that there's a chance that this place wouldn't be like that, but I find even the thought of working there sends me into panic mode even during the interview, I could feel a panic attack trying to get a foothold to start. I don't cope well with fast paced environments where you've got to learn and retain a lot of information right from the get go. I don't cope well with being 'flooded' with customers and having to process them on my own. I don't cope with having to deal with brusque staff and blunt managers. So in short, working at a fast food place is a really really bad idea for me. Yet I feel partially forced to accept the work; a) because I do want/need to get more work, b) because to keep my welfare payments, I'm required to 'accept any reasonable' work that comes my way and c) to help contribute financially to our family. It's gotten to the point that I am thinking of lying to my hubby and family and saying they've already got someone working there and don't need me. --I haven't felt able to express how I feel to my husband yet. He's so supportive and understanding, and doesn't judge me, but I feel like such a fool, and he's given up so much and works so hard in a job he hates to support me and our son, that right now, I feel unable to broach just how horrible (& mentally unwell) the idea of working there makes me feel.-- I don't have a PDoc atm -haven't in a while cause I can't afford one-, but I am thinking of seeing a decent psychologist to see if they can help me handle this sort of thing better than I am alone. I'm sorry for the novel! I just wish I didn't feel like such a failure Chiaroscuro
  13. Hi all, I need some serious advice. I'm getting to the point where I do not trust my own thoughts - I don't know what is genuine concern vs. me over-thinking, over-analysing, anxious.... etc So I'm in a new relationship, about 8 months in. Came straight from an old relationship, really we both did. We knew that there would be hurdles with this, and for the most part have acknowledged and moved on from the baggage we were "putting on each other" from our previous relationships. I was clingy, and she was detached. We almost called it quits a couple of months ago, until we realised we were doing that to each other and things have been really good. In fact, she has moved in a couple weeks ago (I should add here, this is a first for me - totally new territory. I've had one other serious relationship, J has had a few and lots of non-serious ones). All things considered, things have been great since then - we've not had any significant "living" conflicts since either, it's just been working. We have, however, had conflicts of the more significant "relationship" kind. But were they real or a result of my (newly discovered) anxiety...? J has not told me she loves me yet, I have her. She says she is not ready to say it. I do feel love from her most of the time, and most of the time i do think she loves me and is just scared, due to previous hurt, to say the words. This feels like a source of anxiety for me, it's a really vulnerable place to be, even though logical brain says "You feel it, she's here, it's fun - don't stress over it. When she's ready, she's ready." Yet over-thinking brain retorts, "She should know by now. We have a great relationship, why won't she trust me with the words. If she can't say it now she probably won't" So how do you know what's real and what's created in your head? Last night we had a fight. I'll elaborate and use it as the primary example for my question... I wanted to make a nice dinner for her. I'm not that great at cooking, it takes me forever and i always make a huge mess. J is amazing at cooking and loves to, so she has been doing most of the cooking, and I wanted to give her a break. Because I don't want to seem like I need "looking after," and because I genuinely enjoy doing nice things for the woman I love. So I went to the store after work and got the ingredients, and started preparing when I got home. J came home from work (she is quite unhappy with her current job) and gave me a hug and kiss before jumping in the shower (she needs to wash work off almost immediately). All good. After her shower she went outside for a cigarette and wine to wind down. She usually surfs facebook or whatever during this time. So that's all good. I left her be, I know she likes her wind down time and really values alone time. Anyway, J also had to complete some online training things for work she'd been putting off that were due tomorrow, which i understood. So after her chill out she did that while I was still working on dinner. All good. Finally I'm ready to actually start cooking (The dinner in it's entirety took 2.5 hours to prepare and cook. And 10 minutes to eat, go figure!). J comes out and sits while I cook the chicken on the BBQ and we eat. She seems detached and quiet, she says I do also. We eat, everything is all good. She says she has to go finish the course, but only has a couple minutes to go. So I sit outside and wait. About 20 minutes goes by and I got over waiting so I started cleaning up after dinner, and did the dishes (before you assume, she does her fair share too - there's no issue here). She said she was sorry it was taking so long. During the dishes she finished up and sets up Netflix for a series we've been watching. Finally some couple time. So we're watching TV, and then she whips out her phone again and is doing that. I start to feel a little crappy. I feel like I put all this effort into a nice dinner, and then I get nothing for it. "But then, I didn't do it to get anything in return. I did it because i enjoy doing nice things for her" my logical brain kicks in. "But why doesn't she appreciate it enough to want to just be with me, not be with her smart device, with me" the over thinker says... "You're quiet" J says. "Well, talking to the back of your phone is pretty fucking stupid" I think about saying, but don't. It began to consume me. I couldn't relax, even though after working a nine hour day and going straight to the store and then straight into a 2.5 hour dinner escapade and being exhausted. So I say i'm going to go to bed. She was doing something with her hair, both arms. I leant in to give her a kiss goodnight but she didn't stop doing what she was doing so I sat up and started to the bedroom. "Don't I get a kiss" She said. Maybe she didn't see me lean in? So i kissed her and went to bed. I just wanted her to come lay with me. I toss and turn. "Don't go out there, don't say it" logical brain says. "You're just over-thinking it and it won't go well, stay here." I didn't. I went out there, and said I was feeling anxious. Then we ended up having a fight. She said things like "I feel analysed" "You're hyper-aware of me." "What I do shouldn't effect your mood so much" I say, "Noticing you're distant is being hyper-aware? Or, am I just not a disconnected idiot?" (her last partner was a detached, emotionally immature guy who had all the time in the world for everything but her) "You're making me feel like an intruder" she says. "I'm not able to do my own thing" (I should add here, she's moved into my place BUT I have really tried to the best of my abilities to make her know I want it to be OUR place. I've said she's welcome to bring whatever she likes, hand pictures/paintings where she likes, arrange kitchen and bathroom and all those kind of things guys do badly how she likes...) She's kind of right. She should be able to do what she wants to do, and not feel like she's neglecting me. My last relationship, I was always out doing my own thing, things that interest me. I barely gave my last relationship the time of day. Maybe I'm associating that, with a failed relationship somehow? Being over-needy as a big 180 turn from my last? Anyway. As a result, I have no trust in my own thoughts. I'm so conflicted. Are my concerns real and should I bring them to the table, or am I just manifesting them from a place of over-thinking and anxiety? Is she actually not right for me and that's the source of anxiety, OR is the anxiety making me think and feel this way? We apologised in the morning, and she held me after our fight when I was in tears of frustration because I just wanted sleep and my head wouldn't stop. So I guess things are OK, but I still feel weird and need some advice. This was a super long post i know, but thank you if you made it to the end.
  14. Hi, all. I've just been diagnosed with shingles. Not really painful so far (one week into the rash), although it's hard telling because i have chronic muscle/soft tissue pain, and I hurt a lot anyway. I have more or less lifelong problems with depression and anxiety (I'm 55), and I struggle fairly often against suicidal thoughts, but I'm not taking any meds for depression or anxiety. I thought the last thing on earth I needed was post-herpetic neuralgia, a painful condition that can follow shingles and last for months or years with no cure. My doctor suggested I start gabapentin now for pain, but when I read some of the side effects, I thought that maybe the last thing I need is to risk having my depression or anxiety worsened or to have anything pushing me more toward suicidal ideation. I'm also very leery of anything that might be hard to get off of. My apologies if I'm breaking protocol or otherwise being annoying. Any insights appreciated.
  15. I take Nuvigil for fatigue first thing in the morning and Klonopin for anxiety soon after, but I'm trying to find out if anyone had advice on good timing for taking these two. Nuvigil usually takes about an hour for first feelings of effect, and I take with food (or I get bad stomach gurgles). I haven't quite figured out the best timing for them to both work at their best (w/o) interfering too much. And advice on dosage is welcome too. I take lower doses than prescribed to maintain more of a hold on how the medicine is working (and potential negative side effects).
  16. It's 11:30 pm. I'm hungry. I go downstairs to the kitchen. This Christmas, we found and killed several mice (we not including me, I just sat and closed my eyes and rocked back and forth). With my OCD, one of my obessions is contamination. Ever since I found out we had mice, I held my breath (to prevent breathing in mouse germs or urine I guess) when I was in the kitchen or an adjoining room. You can possibly imagine my horror when I heard rustling in the pantry, one of the spots they killed mice. I just chocked it up to my dog in the other room. I stepped into the pantry. A mouse jumped up from one of the cereal boxes into another box.(oh god oh god I got sick and more anxious just writing that) I think I screamed. I'm pretty sure. I know I slammed shut the pantry door and ran away into the living room. Then I went into panic mode. It didn't help that my grandma began telling me about how you can never get rid of mice. About how they're everywhere. I, being my paranoid anxiety ridden self, interpreted that as a literal statement. That mice were in every single room of the house. In the walls, in the floors, in the bed, in the couch. Everywhere. I even hallucinated (I think) a mouse on the carpet near where I was standing twice. So now I'm in my bed (with no blankets covering me so I can see), crying, having an anxiety attack. Can someone please tell me if my grandma was right? Will I have mice forever? Are there mice everywhere? Also, can one have hallucinations as a result of an anxiety attack?
  17. I was just prescribed Welbutrin for depression and ADHD. I am only 17 years old and am already showing signs of having an addictive personality. I had illegally been buying adderal pills off friends at school to help motivate me to do homework and get good grades. It worked. I had been making AMAZING grades, and not only that, but I felt like a happy person due to its euphoric side effect of amphetimine as well. At first, I would only take 10 mg every once in awhile like if I had a test or just a lot homework I needed to get done. Then it turned into taking 10mg everyday, slowly turning into taking 20mg, and sometimes I would take 20mg twice or three times in one day. I couldn't handle coming down off it, so I would just take more. Once I realized how out of control I had became, I told my parents. They weren't nearly as mad as j thought they would be. They just wanted to get me help. We went to the nurse practitioner I had been seeing for anxiety for the past few years. I was taking 100mg of Zoloft. I never have any energy of motivation to do anything and that's why I feel in love with the adderal. It gave me the confidence I needed socially and the extra boost of energy. My nurse practitioner prescribed me welbutrin. I've only taken it for 2 days now, but both today and yesterday it made me feel stoned and drunk. I don't even feel human and I just miss having the adderal high, this med is only making me tired and hungry, it's not motivating me to do anything. It's a Friday night and all I've been doing is laying in bed reading about Welbutrin and what it does to people. My throat feels swollen, I'm more emotional than I've ever been (I cry about everything), I'm tired, I feel disconnected from my body (almost like I just smoked a bowl of weed to myself), I wanna eat everything, my mouth is dry, and my anxiety has never been this bad. My doctor went ahead and took me off Zoloft, too. I really want this med to work for me. I don't want to take adderal illegally anymore, I don't wanna be addicted to it, but my depression is the worst it's ever been. My ears won't stop ringing either? Has anyone else felt this way? I hope these side effects will subside and I'll start to feel like a happy, normal person again. Thanks maddie
  18. i'm looking for *any* insight into this: i had to completely wean my daughter on 12/17/15 due to a new med that was completely contraindicated with breastfeeding. last week at the appointment with my therapist, she asks me what my (depression and anxiety) levels are at; i thought about it for a moment, and i said "zero." now, this is virtually unheard of for me; i'm DXed major depressive disorder (recurrent, severe), GAD, dysthymia; the only other time something like this happened was a hypomanic phase that lasted 6 months post-partum. i've read the potential side effects of atorvastatin (the new med), and i've seen nothing like "elevated mood" listed. is it possible that the hormone change from weaning is affecting my mood??? everything i've googled points to women becoming depressed after weaning, and here i am, feeling...normal. like what i think a undepressed, unanxious person must feel like. i am at a lose as to why this is happening, and almost waiting for it to end like the hypomanic phase did (man, that sucked), since i've been depressed/anxious/dysthymic well before getting pregnant/breastfeeding. the dysthymia is there, but manageable.
  19. I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.
  20. Hi all— I started taking clonazepam for sleep and anxiety on Thursday evening. Today is Sunday. My current dosage is 1mg at bedtime. I am also on mirtazapine, 30mg at bedtime, for depression. On Friday I woke up feeling refreshed, as though I was alive again, after a full night of sleep. That same day I noticed what looked like a bug bug bite on my right cheek which I dismissed as such. On Saturday I had another bug bite under my right eye, again I brushed it off as a bug bite. But today I woke up with the same bites, this time a lot more red, tender, and itchy than the previous days. The right side of my face shows a clear rash starting over my eyebrow through the right side of my nose and finally descending to my right cheek with a splotch under my right eye. I don't feel any worse, nor have I had any changes in vision or anything else that warrants immediate attention. I've notified my doctor and I will be hearing back from him on Monday. Should I be worried? Has anyone else had a similar experience? I don't want to stop taking it because I don't want to stop sleeping again. I wonder if the rash will disappear as my body gets used to the medication. Any feedback is appreciated!
  21. I had an anxiety attack a few days ago. It was bad, a total beast. It went on for over two hours. I hadn't self harmed in many months, and I hadn't made myself throw up for even longer. This anxiety attack was so absolutely terrible that I ended up falling back on old habits- my first attempt to stop the attack was to self harm, and when that didn't work, I forced myself to throw up. Turns out, I just deepened my guilty and anxious feelings. The attack went on. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but I'm wondering if I'm alone in this. Does anyone else fall back on bad habits to try to stop anxiety attacks? Does anyone else even try to stop them, or do you just let it take over? I successfully did stop them in the past by either self-harming, throwing up my food, or jumping into an ice cold shower (if I was home). Basically, I know better than to do that type of shit to myself. I know how much it upsets my loved ones, and I know how terrible it is for me. Why oh why would I set myself back like that?
  22. I am unsure if I am posting in the right place, so I apologize if I am. I just got word two days ago that my psychiatrist is leaving the clinic that I go to, and that next week is his last week. When I asked the office staff where he was going, no one knew. This is really hard for me to deal with as I became emotionally attached to him. He only worked at the clinic that I go to for a little over a year. This is a huge shock to me. I was told that I would be put on a waiting list for the new psychiatrist who will be replacing him. I have trust issues and I am wary of seeing someone new; and this is really upsetting to me because I really trusted my pdoc. I am wondering, that if he is staying local if I am allowed to still see him? and how can I found out where he is going if his office staff won't tell me? will my insurance company know where he's going, or are there any other resources that could help me find out where he is going? A lot of things were left unanswered for me and I would really like some closure. I am having a very hard time dealing with him leaving, any advice is much appreciated.
  23. I'd love to hear from folks who are currently on or who once were on buspar. Do these side effects fade? I've been on venlafaxine 375 mg for about 12 years, but it's not working for me like it should anymore. (I'm an ultra-rapid metabolizer, in case you were wondering why my dose is so high.) My psychopharmacologist has been using an augmentation strategy, and the latest add-on is buspar. I started buspar at 15 mgs about 3 weeks ago. I bumped up to 30 mgs about two weeks ago. (I take 10 mgs every 8 hours.) No other meds, other than the occasional 0.5 mg lorazepam. The buspar is definitely curbing my anxiety, which is wonderful. I can also feel it starting to work on my depression. The problem is that I need to bump up to 45 mgs to (hopefully) bring it within antidepressant range, but the side effects are still kicking my butt. Dizziness, spaceyness, bad headaches/earaches, gastrointestinal cramping. These side effects aren't as bad as they were the first week after I bumped up to 30 mgs, i.e. I have been able to make it work. However, they are still a big problem, and I know they are going to increase when I move to 45 mgs. I really, really want this to work. Can anyone give me some hope that the side effects will become more manageable or even go away within a month or so? I'm going to be brave and bump up regardless, because I want to be able to say I did everything I could before discontinuing venlafaxine and getting on another med. My former psychiatric nurse practitioner HORRIBLY screwed up a titration attempt in April 2014, so I am familiar with the hell that is venlafaxine withdrawal. Thank you so much for any insights you can give!
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