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Found 546 results

  1. Does anybody else feel sick and panicked when somebody goes into their room uninvited? Like, I have nothing to hide sometimes, you can go in my room I just hate it when people come in uninvited or against my will. My mum recently told me to tidy my room which is fine, but she said that afterwards she HAS to go in and I can't do anything to "tidy for me" after this I felt a lot of anxiety and I felt really unsafe. Again, I have nothing to hide (much) and she's been in my room in the past. The last time was when she went in my room and tidied it all without my knowledge. I didn't know where kings where, I didn't know what she'd thrown away and it just felt so wrong. When I walked in my room I had a full on panic attack (an actual attack, not an exaggeration.) and I yelled at her and I couldn't breathe. I just felt so violated suddenly and like I had my privacy and safety taken away from me. by my own MOTHER. I just felt like I should die. I know that sounds so horrible but.. anybody know how to prevent this or relate? Please help!!!!
  2. I'm new to the forums and thought it would be useful to introduce myself. I'm not really comfortable talking about myself and it's pretty obvious because my heart is racing just writing this. But I've been having a lot of issues lately so I'm hoping I can find some help by talking more with you guys.
  3. I have bipolar, severe anxiety and depression. My Dr has tried me on several drugs. Some have helped to a degree but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and crying every day along with major anxiety. My Dr wants me to try ECT but I'm terrified of the side effects. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you.
  4. Psych Dx: treatment resistant depression (major + persistent), generalized anxiety, adhd Psych Rx: bupropion 450 qd, buspirone 15 bid, adderall 20 am 10pm, clonazepam .5 prn Other Dx: celiac, gerd, vulvodynia/vulvar vestibulitis, oab, seasonal allergies, idiopathic chronic nausea, neuropathy, myalgia, & arthralgia Other Rx: myrbetriq 50 qd, pantoprozole 20 bid, topical estrogen qd, topical clobetasol prn, topical lidocaine prn OTC: mucinex 12-hour bid, vitamin D3 qd, fish oil qd, probiotic qd, zyrtec qd, nasacort qd, saline spray bid, melatonin prn Previous Psych Rx: seroquel, depakote, lamictal, remeron, trazadone, lithium, ambien, sonata, zyprexa, lexapro, prozac, temazepan, xanax, rozerem So I've clearly been on a lot of meds over the years (since first being put on seroquel in early 2013) partially because I was initially misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been on my current cocktail for quite awhile, and I had been doing pretty well with my depression but it's gotten significantly worse lately due to some life events + unyielding chronic pain that has been getting worse for the last two years. For the neuropathy I tried gabapentin for several months and it did absolutely nothing. I've been suggested Lyrica (which even with my good insurance is still $100 a month or $200 for 3 months with a mail order pharmacy which is a lot more than I can reasonably afford) and Cymbalta. Does anyone with depression and/or neuropathy have any experience with taking Cymbalta and Wellbutrin together? The two SSRIs I've taken (lexapro & prozac) in the past both gave me severe gastrointestinal side effects and I wasn't able to stay on them long enough to see if they even helped. It would be great to have a cheap, generic drug improve my nerve pain and depression, but I'm nervous about trying another SSRI. I'm also fairly uncomfortable with the idea of going off bupropion, bc it's been pretty damn effective if not adequately so. Because when I wasn't on bupropion I was a MESS and I'm afraid of going back to that level of depressed. Also curious if anyone has any success with using any med, Cymbalta or otherwise, as an adjunct treatment for depression? I have recently gotten back to therapy so I'm hoping that will help some but it's hard to follow through on anything from my therapist (or from my physical therapists, doing anything besides going to work & sleeping) bc of executive dysfunction, constant fatigue, pretty severe anhedonia, general feeling of emptiness.
  5. Ive tried Paxil which almost immediately made me want to sleep. Ive also tried Clonazepam primarily for akathisia from Abilify which had the same effect at first but after I gained a tolerance just wore me down a little so I take that around bedtime. I'm getting major anxiety and panic from being on an low-dose atypical antipsychotic and from my 1 1/2 year bid in jail, which ended 2 years ago, from a psychotic episode (having flashbacks of inmates, guards, and harsh environment). Additionally, I'm completely restless, suffering from somewhat intense akathisia, and have racing thoughts. Nonetheless, I want something I can take in the beginning of the day that doesn't make me crawl onto the sofa and doze off. I want something that is calming yet not sedating. Something that will gradually turn me into a mental superhero. The only one I've heard of so far is Buspirone.
  6. Hi y'all! I need your help. I guess I need some encouragement, more than anything. I restarted Wellbutrin XL 150 and Prozac 10 three days ago due to mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder. (I say "restarted" because I had been on both meds for about 4 years, went off them last year, tried Trintellix for about 8 months, got off of that and here we are.) Anyway, I anticipated the lack of appetite, the feelings of having had too much coffee, the sweating, and dry mouth. But now I'm having extreme nausea a few times a day and a severe flushed feeling. And tonight I started getting numbness/tingling in random spots all over.. It started on my cheek and my lip (felt like a cat hair I couldn't wipe away) and bounces around to my nose, fingers, toes, and knees. It's really freaking me out because I've never felt this before. How long will these unpleasant side effects last? They almost threw me into a panic attack but I laid down and focused on my breaking and got myself out of it but I'm still having a rough time. I just want to make sure this is all par for the course and nothing too dangerous is happening. And that it'll all subside soon. Thanks in advance. ❤️
  7. So... my nurse once said that I probably have avoidant personality disorder. According to Myers–Briggs test I have INTP personality which really fits me, but also seems to be this personality associated with all personality disorders from schizoid to borderline disorder. So either this means I have fucked up personality or that my personality disorder is effecting my results. How nice. Lately I've been getting worse with my anxiety. I've always known I'm fat and average looking, but lately I've started to think: "What if my personality is ugly too?" It probably is, but it's kind of soul crushing observation to make. Even though I didn't have friends growing up I always used to think I was at least good person to some extent. Few years I've tried to be more social, but it's not easy. More time I spend interacting with people around me, more it makes me feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me. Everything I say seems to offend people even though I don't actually mean to offend anyone. Also my emotions are all mixed up. I'm so emotional and sensitive when it comes to what people think of me, but on the other hand I feel like I could probably sell my own grandmother if I wanted to. It just doesn't seem normal, but I don't know what I should do to change things either. When surrounded by friends I feel lonely and leftover. When I try to go to sleep it gets even worse, which is why I usually stay up all night. Maybe I should just find a hole to hide in and never come out again? I just feel so tired of being so lonely, but unable to spend time with people without thinking they must actually hate me or at least think I'm disgusting. I don't know what anyone could do with this information I've given, but hopefully someone can relate. I guess I'd like to know if there is someone out there who feels the same way at least. Does this sound like avoidant personality disorder to you?
  8. Hi all I'm new here. I've dealt with OCD and Severe Panic Attacks for over 35 years. Been thru everything. For the last 10 years I have sailed thru life taking my meds and doing a little cognitive therapy on my own daily. About a year ago I started to lose control again and I can't snap out of it. Has anyone had their meds increased as they went thru menopause ? My other meds for like thyroid issues have increased but I have been on the same meds and dosages since 2000 17 years ago. I hate taking meds and feeling weak but the anxiety is debilitating and I just can't function. Any help is greatly appreciated CK
  9. Hi. I am dealing with this incredible fear of abandonment das well as life-long depression) . I feel pretty clear on what it stems from. I am working with a therapist. I just want to know what kind of (healthy) coping techniques others may use to deal with this kind of anxiety. It really leaves me feeling so alone sometimes!
  10. So I was wondering how you deal with unemployment. I rely on my husband and family for financial support including my medication and this is an absolute torture because everyone is going through such an incredibly difficult financial situation, it makes me feel super useless, desperate, I just want to run and run and not stop. I cry and feel so useless, it's that combination of depression and anxiety at the same time where one simply wonders when is everything going to be over and if it's even worth trying harder. I am very close to getting a job, I think tomorrow will be my last interview and I am very positive I will get it, but if I don't get it I will be devastated and at an even worse position because I have applied already to all possible businesses which can hire someone with my skills and education and they have rejected me. How to keep anxiety and depression under control in these situations? There is no medication that can actually solve these issues. BTW it is rainy season in the country where I live, and thunderstorms can get pretty nasty, anyone else with thunderstorm phobia, I will get under a blanket with earmuffs, heart raising and can not do anything at all throughout the duration of the storm. Every day is a struggle when I see the sky cloudy. Thanks! Peace
  11. hello all, I've had panic disorder since I was 16. I'm 23 now. I've been around the block - meds, hospitalization, therapy, self help, holistic stuff, etc. I have a GREAT PDOC and I was doing GREAT this past year (coming off my meds! going on long trips! happy!) but I seemed to have relapsed this spring. Here's my current cocktail that I want some opinions on: Effexor ER 225mg / daily - the only SSRI / SSNRI that's ever helped me (i've been through every. single. ssri. they don't work for me.) At my best, I managed to get down to 175mg / day with no withdrawal symptoms, i was so proud! but with the relapse my PDOC bumped it up again. Klonopin 1mg before bed - Basically just on this dose so I don't go into withdrawal. Klonopin doesn't really do much to stop my panic attacks after being on it for almost 7 years. I really want to be off it soon. Xanax as needed for panic attacks - 2mg stops my panic. I don't take it every day. The past few days I've had to take an extra 1mg after the first 2mg wears off. Basically the only drug in my cocktail I trust to work right now. Abilify 4mg daily - I was just prescribed this last months and started at 2mg. It seemed to work! but now I'm in hell and my PDOC just bumped it up to 4mg daily last night. New symptoms as of this new 'relapse' or whatever-the-funk: back at it again with the debilitating panic attacks and agoraphobia, this time with new and improved Depression™! which i've never had before except when i get sad that panic attacks are ruining my life. That's why my PDOC bumped up my effexor and added Abilify. I had to leave work early today which is something I havent had to do in like, 6 years. TL;DR: I'm wary about the abilify. Should I even be on it? anyone have any insight? why do I have depression now after never having it in my life? can anyone fix all my problems please?
  12. Used to work great for me - I don't think I've developed a tolerance issue, because I've been taking this drug in the same dose range for years, and not always daily. Anyone else experience this?
  13. Hello. After trying zoloft, prozac, abilify, and latuda, I was prescribed seroquel for bpd/depression. I am nearly 3 weeks (19 days to be exact) into and I'm not liking it at all. I have no energy or motivation, really hard to wake up, feel like im almost in a dream, and also experiencing constipation/stomach bloating (triggering body image problems). I am wondering how long I should stay with it to see if the side effects go away. I was thinking 1 month, as my next psych appointment will be right around the 30 day mark. However, I kind of want to stop taking it now, but i dont want to quit too early and possibly miss out on a well working med. The psychs i've seen always say how ap's start working so much faster than ad's so I dont know. Thanks!
  14. Uhm I was wondering what Panic Attack Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder really are. My therapist said that she thinks I have Panic Attack Disorder and i dont really understand what that means. Of course it has to deal with panic attacks but could you explain exactly what a panic attack is? I don't know if I'm having a Panic attack or something else. If she corresponds to it, I'm 13 years old. Please don't suspect me as a attention seeker. Also, will people think it's weird for me to have a disorder like those? The only disorders some people have at my school are ADD and Adhd. I want to be a detective and will disorders bring me down?
  15. My 18 year old female cousin has post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety disorder. What are the best gifts to give her? (Not judging by personality. Just the disorders.) (Keep in mind that I'm 13 years old so I do have limits on what I can get)
  16. I'm having a hell of a hard time and experiencing rather weird symptoms. Whether they've anything to do with Mirtazapine (Remeron) is something that I strongly feel but can't quite convince any doctor of. I was put on 15 mg of it in spring 2015 for depression and a severe insomnia - I hadn't slept an hour like since 25 nights back then! The benefits showed immediately within a day and surprised myself and my family. I would sleep well and be in a very happy and cheerful mood. Then however, from summer 2016 I developed some strange food intolerances; caffeine, sugar, fruits containing high amounts of fructose, yoghurt, butter and so on. Eating anything of that would cause me jitteriness and insomnia. I steered clear of those foods. From autumn last year though, a lot of those food intolerances have relented and it changed into intolerance towards medicines and supplements that I was on; the thyroid medicine for hypothyroidism, Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin E and could never again tolerate any new medicine or supplement. Symptoms resulting from these are, again, jitters, insomnia and a strange kind of feeling of being struck on the head, like I can't hear anything and the thinking becomes very unclear and blurred. Coupled with this is a weird sensation that if a medicine has any potential side-effect (even physical, such as urine retention), I get it at all costs. So I'm steering clear of the culprits here too. However, avoiding the culprits doesn't end my misery, it just helps in avoiding a whole new set of symptoms, because since autumn 2016 I'm under constant brainfog anyway, have heart palpitations immediately after every meal (but worst after breakfast), have concentration and focus issues, lead a life without any hobbies, wishes or desires. Nothing excites me, nothing interests me and nothing catches my attention. Leave tasks pending for months (the most unlike me habbit), have badly lost my sense of humour. My sense of humour was something that I literally used to pride on, and friends from around the world would call me to fresh up if they were having a dull day. My mind feels numb, although it isn´t as if it´s the sedating effect of the Mirtazapine because 90% percent of the nights I don´t sleep well, and on a lot of nights I feel as if I´m asleep with an awake mind! Amidst all this, although initially not effected for the first 17 months, but the libido is not non-existent. If I get them at all, my erections are very tiny and hardly last a minute. The GP who put me on it considered it to be just the effects of anxiety and depression and recommended the doubling of the dose to 30 mg. When I contested that, given that I´ve my doubts of a lot of these issues being brought upon by Mirtazapine itself, she referred me to a psychiatrist. He too strongly denies of Mirtazapine having any hand to play on it and instead thinks it´ll be best to combine it with another antidepressant for day-time. He put me on Paroxetine, boom, a flood of side-effects! Then changed to Fluoxetine (Prozac) - third day on it and having weird feelings. The heart poundings are one and is in fact making me very depressed and hopeless!
  17. I am 28 years old and I am facing these symptoms for some time now. I have been told that these symptoms fall on the OCD spectrum. I never thought OCD would be like this. I just wanted to know if anyone has been facing these symptoms- 1) I have a tremendous fear of going mad. In fact my symptoms started because I thought I was going mad. This was a year ago. I always think I might hear or see something, or lose touch with reality. As a result, I am constantly scared. 2) I have very vivid dreams and at times get confused as to whether they actually happened. As a result, it happens that when I wake up, I am confused as to whether the dream actually happened or not, and it is only after sometime that I convince myself that it did not happen. When I wake up, I feel completely helpless and think that I have lost my grip on reality. 3) I have an overactive imagination. As a result, I often act out scenarios in my head. When someone says something, I imagine that they will say this or that next. As a result, I am constantly berating myself and scared, as to why am I imagining stuff? I try to hold my imagination back as I am scared I will confuse it with reality. 4) Usually in the morning, I feel extremely anxious and feel I have lost my grip on reality, so much so that my teeth chatter from morning to afternoon. 5) I keep on getting mental images of things that happened long ago. For instance I will get images of things or incidents from the past that happened about 10 years ago or more. I do not want to think about these things or incidents, and yet I get these images. For instance I will get the image of my house that I used to live in 10 years ago. Since I have not visited these memories in a long time, I have forgotten how I used to feel about these things from long ago, and as a result, I feel extremely unnerved and spooked out when I get these images. 6) I also get images of things and places from my imagination/dreams out of nowhere. These also cause me to get taken aback and be startled and unnerved, as I think that I can no longer distinguish between reality and dreams/fantasy. I try my level best to distinguish these images from reality, question as to why am I getting these images, and somehow put them in a category that will reassure me that I am not going mad. 7) Sometimes I get distorted images of past memories. As these things never happened, they cause me to get startled and think I am losing touch with reality. 8) There are period of time when I am extremely confused and cannot make sense of things. During these times, I will catch myself, and think I am losing touch with reality. I will think that my thinking has become illogical. 9) I am scared of my imagination running away and causing me to lose touch with reality. I will often try to imagine "what happens next" in a scenario, and then get scared and think, why am I doing this? This is delusional thinking. I am losing touch with reality! For instance, if a person is sitting in the room next to me, I will think "they are probably doing this or talking to someone" This causes me discomfort and panic as I think that this is my imagination and causing me to lose my grip. 10) I also get memory problems. This is probably because I am thinking of my mental problems and not paying attention to things. But can this be a symptom of OCD? Do oCD sufferers get mental problems? Is this OCD or something worse? This has been happening for a year now. There are period s of time (1-2 weeks) when I am completely fine though.
  18. Hey Guys , I grew up in an in emotionally intense chatoic household all my life was born to two alcoholic parents that met in AA . I never felt really safe or happy when I was growing up and in 2013 I experienced a severely traumatic event that quasi lasted for 3 years . My current psych APN diagnosed with with complex PTSD, GAD, and OCD (obessive intrusional thoughts) . I've been on Paxil 40 mg for 2 months , Lamictal 200mg for a week , and 4 mg Klonopin a day plus a 5mg prazosin . Her approach is less meds low doses and low side effects and wait and see approach . Im sleping about 2-4 hours on the cocktail. Nothing is activating however, I'm sleeping 2-4 hours at best . What gives ? Please help. Due to PTSD insomnia, -I've lost my part time job -Been dumoed by my partner -good chance of getting kicked out of nursing school for 2 years Please weigh in guys
  19. When i was on week 3 of 150 mg Wellbutrin, the depresion lifted and i felt better. Motivation and energy came back. Depression wasn't all completely gone though, so i wanted to increase the dosage to 300 mg. At the end of week 4 however, i had a massive anxiety panic attack because of something i read online that really confused me. So whole week 5 i spent with massive anxiety, screaming, crying and loss of joy. Obsessing over what i read. 3 days ago I contacted my phsyciatrist, and decided to increase Wellbutrin to 300 mg and Seroquel to 100 mg. Since then i've been feeling lethargic, empty and demotivated. Just like how i felt before i started on Wellbutrin. Does this indicate that Wellbutrin stopped working for me? Or could it be the Seroquel making me feel like this?
  20. Hi Everyone, I know this isn't like chat.. but I figure maybe we could use this sort of like an AIM or just to talk and see what everyone is up to or how we are doing. We can talk about cats, food, mental breakdowns, anything you want!! Don't be sad.. I know this is a big change not having chat, but we are still here.
  21. Hi there, although I'm a new member I've been lurking the forum for years . Long story short , I've had a psychotic break/near death experience that lasted for about a year , that occured in 2013 . Although I'm over 90-95% of it, I'm still suffering a backlash in terms of constant to variable anxiety throughout the week . I've also haven't slept naturally since the event occured in 2013 . So basically my body's used to feeling anxious for so long that its the new normal and ditto for the insomnia . I have a psychiatrist that I see 1x to 2x a month and am seeing a good experienced therapist twice a week (both work in the same office). I want to sleep naturally again . Anyways after trying multiple (sedating) anti psychotics , anti depressants, anti convulsants , 6 different benzodiazepines, z-drugs , antihistamines and belsomra , my psychiatrist decided to put me on Xyrem . I'm on the max dose of 4.5 grams twice nightly .The first two months were heaven, it truly was the holy grail . Absolutely zero side effects and completely unoffensive like a hypnotic benzodiazpine . The major payoff was that I was sleeping 8-10hrs a day and feeling so incredibly rested (like natural sleep since it only improves sleep architecture and induces natural sleep)I didn't need to take medicines like nuvigil and adderall to stay awake/function during the day and totally went off of the stimulants . My physical and mental abilities were 100% again . Workouts were great with all the new energy and school went from difficult to moderately easy now that my brain was finally recovering at night . Problem is that due to increasing situational anxiety due to school/(I guess how the near death experience makes me act to stressors ?) The 9g a night barely keeps me asleep for more than 3-4 hrs . The Xyrem pharmacist said insomnia people like me can use higher doses , as he's seen up to 13g a night . Problem is that the doctor said he will aboslutely not go past 9g a night . He will not Rx me any controlled CNS depressants with the xyrem (benzos, z-drugs , belsomra even friggin Lyrica is off the table) He's given me zyprexa since it has helped my anxiety and insomnia in the past however that antipsychotic leaves me with carry over sedation in to the day and dumbs me down (in an engineering science major) . The zyprexa does keep me alseep with the 9g of xyrem but I need a whopping 10mg to 7.5mg depending on my anxiety and stress level . Fast forward to today , as I lost my insurance with the xyrem prescribing psychiatrist and xyrem medication . I saw one sleep doctor at a sleep clinic and he said my insomnia was out of the scope of his practice, despite asking for xyrem and showing him my med records showing him I was Rx'ed it for months with little issue . I have an appt. with another specialist at a sleep clinic in NJ who Rx's Xyrem june 7th . And in case that lady is a spineless waste of money , I have two other sleep doctors lined up with appointments in late july who also prescribe xyrem in late July. Any tips on how to get this med back to helping me ?? I'm officially on 4mg Klonopin, 40mg paxil, 200mg Lamictal, 1mg Halcion (useless now) seeing different therapist and psychiatrist for insurance reasons
  22. WFF earlier I was in my boss's "office room" & anxious OK then all the sudden tripping? Like it's not real trying to hold it together just weird image was distorted like an acid trip. What ?
  23. Hi all, finally jumping in here. BP2, anxiety, PTSD, and mild OCD. 200 Lamictal, 10 Lexapro, Xanax and Ambien as needed. I embrace the word crazy. I work full time, but I'm not "out" at work. I can usually disguise the hypomania as productivity. I like to think of it as "using my powers for good." Haha. Until I am so hypomanic that I just glue myself to my computer and don't talk to anyone because I sound too crazy. My sister and my husband know but aside from them and my medical professionals that's pretty much it. Sometimes that makes me lonely. Just coming down off a hypomanic episode. That's what inspired me to finally join and speak.
  24. So, I don't have a lot of experience with meds. I took Prozac a long, long time ago (8 years?) briefly and it didn't really do much. If anything, it made me feel worse at the time. Tried Wellbutrin at a low dose last year and it made my already pretty regular, vivid dreams increase in occurrence and severity. So I stopped. I'm pretty nervous about handling medication in general and was wondering if anyone had any experiences that they could share specifically with Effexor? I'm supremely nervous, as I can barely function as it is and don't know how these side effects may impact me. How long does it take to feel effect? And does anyone know at what threshold of dosage it'll actually help? I'm really flying blind here and could use any help. I'm super new to all of this. I've had a lot of different mental problems since being a kid and am just now getting around to talking to a psychiatrist and sorting through what the hell is going on in my brain. I have GAD, PTSD, social anxiety/phobias, and some other random phobias (honestly, once the anxiety/social stuff is taken care of THEN I'll work on the random phobias). Symptoms include daily paralyzing anxiety, racing negative thoughts, panic attacks, depression, anxiety around people, anxiety leaving my apartment, vivid depressing dreams, paranoia, and, recently, EXTREME amounts of jumpiness + increased paranoia (brain likes to hit me with the scariest, worst thing that could happen to me in that moment, but I don't see/hear anything, just paranoid thoughts). There are more but that's the abbreviated list. Been especially bad for about 5-6 months and finally pushed myself to get some help. Wasn't "suicidal" per se, but was definitely tossing the idea around last year; it's subsequently been replaced by extreme, crippling existentialism. Weirdly a great cure for suicidal thoughts, but also sucks in its own way. (Bonus fun random symptom: recently been waking up in the middle of the night, fine, then having to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out + covered in cold sweats and feeling like I'm literally going to pass out. Lasts 45 min or so, sometimes less, then I go back to bed and I'm fine the next day. Recently realized I must be waking up into panic attacks. Has been happening 1-2 times a month for almost the past year.) Welp, so, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. It was both an extremely good thing and also extremely traumatizing because I tend to suppress, suppress - that's how I function. But, anyways, he prescribed me Effexor. I'm only taking 37.5 for one week, then upping to 75. I'll see him again in three weeks to re-evaluate how I'm doing. I'm super duper terrified because, well, let's be real - that's my natural state. I've only been on it two days and I feel fine-ish, I guess. I had a particularly anxiety-ridden last week so my current definition of 'fine' is not having a panic attack every other day so my bar for "fine" is messed up this week. But, seriously, I'm fine. I'm just worried. I'm curious as to how long it generally takes to feel side effects for medicines like these. Is it right away? Is it months? I honestly don't even know if those are questions anyone can answer. I'm just feeling kind of alone in all of this and looking for people who know what I'm going through.
  25. Hi Everyone, I'm a returning member, joined years ago to chat about anxiety and other stuff. Now I have returned with more diagnoses! Yay! See that's me. I tend to diffuse tense situations with humor. I'm one of those depressed comedians. Well, not really. I'm actually a middle school teacher, and having a good sense of humor is essential for that kind of job. However, I'm only smiling on the outside. Inside I'm dealing with constant crippling self-doubt and depression. I'm not working at the moment. I had an acute stress reaction about a year and a half ago, was given some anti-anxiety pills, and told to take it easy. I didn't receive any other treatment, no CBT or any other kind of therapy. After a while, I started to feel better and decided I was ready to go back to work. However, after only a few weeks, the symptoms started coming back. I really liked my new job, so I decided to push through them and keep on working. Sure enough, a few months later I had to stop working again. I haven't worked for three months. At this point it's very unlikely that I will return to teaching. I just can't handle the stress since my earlier breakdown. I've dealt with anxiety my entire life so the fact that I worked as a teacher for 16 years is saying something. I've been off work since the end of January and have been waiting for an CBT appointment since then. Recently the lack of attention and treatment has pushed me into a spiral of depression. I'm one of those people who absolutely needs structure and routine in their life. I need to always be doing something or helping others. Idleness makes me feel worthless. So the stress and anxiety caused by work is made worse because of guilt of not being able to work. I talked to my doctor last week and he was appalled that I was still waiting for an appointment. I was feeling really, really low. I hadn't been sleeping, kept awake by my anxious brain which would not stop yelling at me, wondering whether drinking an entire bottle of NyQuil would put me to sleep forever, or maybe if I mixed it with some strong pain killers? Anyway, he asked me to come in right away to discuss medication for depression. Right now I'm taking only hydroxyzine for anxiety and lamotrigine for epilepsy. After talking to the doctor, we decided that I didn't seem depressed enough to need stronger meds. I was laughing, cracking jokes, and pretty much being myself during the appointment. I find my situation to be absurd and that's why I can laugh at it. Anyway, I live in Sweden. where doctors are very reticent to prescribe any kind of addictive medication. He mentioned one non-habit forming drug that could actually increase my anxiety for the first few weeks or months I was taking it. He didn't tell me what it was, but I didn't like the sound of that at all. We agreed that what I really need is therapy. He gave me some paperwork to fill out, to check my depression level, and I came up as "moderately" depressed. I guess that means I'm not a danger to myself or others but I'm impaired enough to not be able to work. Of course I haven't met with the psychiatrist yet, so he or she might have a second opinion about whether I need medication. I'm worried about it, naturally, because that's also me. Worried about everything all the time. What if they say I need medication and then it messes with my brain so much that I lose myself? I'm an artist. What if I lose my creativity? What if I lose my sex drive? What if my marriage breaks down? My mind goes to the worse case scenario immediately. Anyway, I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm asking for. I'm dealing with a lot of issues. It's just nice to be able to write this stuff down.
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