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  1. I have long suffered from ADHD with autism/autistic tendencies. I have had a difficult time with focus and remembering what was said. It often appears as though I was listening, when my mind was really elsewhere. I also am prone to have difficulties with social skills in various ways. I also tend to be very agitated and hot headed. Unfortunately, I have also had a few manic-like episodes and hallucinations which makes it so that I cannot take stimulants. Even some non-simulant meds like Strattera can cause effects like agitation/mania. The one thing that doesn't is clonidine. However, for anyone who has taken this med, how effective is it with ADHD/agitation?
  2. I'm diagnosed with depression, but I think I might be manic. In the last seven days: I've felt high: abundant energy, nonexistent appetite, frequent overwhelming bursts of random energy, so strong that I jump in place or feel the urge to shout Set unreasonable goals for myself, like going on a three month fast Sleep is disrupted with frequent waking, though able to get back to sleep eventually if I lay there long enough Thoughts keep me awake But then yesterday and the day before, I felt terrible. I cut myself, more than once. That's not a new problem but it's not common I slept all day yesterday and woke up with a bad headache at midnight Horrible irritability. The sober, honest reflection that I hate everything. The wish that I could "push the button" and eradicate a lot of people. Annoyed by things I usually like, like the cat. All throughout this, my moods have been all over the place. I'm laughing one minute, and burning down the house while wishing for a fifth of vodka the next. Not literally, but you know what I mean? I feel like I'm losing my marbles. I've been like this before, but not since starting medication. TL;DR: does mania make you feel like the Joker? Forgot to make it clear that I don't want a diagnosis, but some personal stories or relation would be much appreciated.
  3. Hi, was wondering if you may like to share about times when mania has actually helped you out achademically or to acheive in any way. I myself once got into a talk with a guy in a pub whilst manic once. I chatted to him about my line of work with knowledge and passion. He asked if I had ever thought about setting up my own company. To cut a long story short I obsessed over that question, went home and spent one single night manically putting together a business plan. I even fully designed a website and wrote all the content. Afew days later the guy was in the pub and I showed him what I had done and my Curriculum Vitae and asked if he thought the bank would find it interesting to which he immediately announced that he was a chartered acxcountant with a sideline in small business investments! We discussed it and he offered me an interest free loan of £50,000 to set up the business with him as a director and 10% share holder!! WI set the business up and made a good go of it with him doing the books. From me chatting in the pub to him to the business opening for trade, adverts, uniforms, website, tools, machinery, vehicles, signwriting and premises, VAT regestration, insurances and employees etc took me one manic month! Nobody could believe it! We successfully operated for 3 years at a profit before having to close because poor Martin developed cancer and had to pull all his money out. We had to close because I could not get a loan to keep going on my own due to the reccession Just shows what mania can achieve sometimes....that's what makes it so hard to look at my bi-polar as a totally bad thing sometimes.....hey ho, got to see it for what it is though because the most part of my manias have a beautiful ride to a very messy ending most times, Please share with me, Chris
  4. My symptoms are better since I can tell what is a delusion or when I'm delusional thinking. The problem is, I can't convince myself enough to let some of my delusions go or I'm obsessed about it. Sometimes I wish some of my delusions were real which leaves me depressed because they are not. There are times I'm concerned when will they finally be gone so I can focus on something else or live a less paranoid or obsessive live Would be great getting rid off it all and I'm wondering if someone with Bipolar 1 and Psychotic break downs did ever get rid off all psychosis and delusions. Every time I have a manic episode I get one or two delusions that take me years to let go, time enough to have a new mood episode. I tried some mood stabilizers and neuroleptics, now I changed quetiapine after a year and some months. I'm trying risperidone to see if it get's better but I'm already unsatisfied with effects like increased appetite. Is it possible using therapy, mood stabilizer and anxiolytics to take care of it?
  5. Has anyone else here ever experienced an anti-depressant or medication induced manic "switch"? Was it after being diagnosed, or were you diagnosed because of such an episode? I ask because I was recently re-diagnosed as bipolar following such a switch. My now-previous pdoc felt the diagnosis fit well, considering my reported history. My new pdoc seems to take an entirely different view; he thinks that anti-depressants can cause, in some people, symptoms that mimic mania. He's less interested in my reported history and more in what symptoms I present with at the moment. Needless to say, I'm confused (and as far as I understand, so is the profession of psychiatry on this issue). I am concerned about what this means for my long-term care, so I was hoping to hear some other experiences.
  6. Hello - I was kind of recently diagnosed with BP(1) three months ago. I'm on Depakote and Lithium and both seem to be keeping things under control, but I've got a whole lot of anxiety from the financial destruction that my undiagnosed manic state caused. I'm talking payday loans, credit card run-ups, the works. I've been able to somehow wing rent payments and keep food in the house, but it's getting more and more difficult and I have no idea where to go or what to do. Thinking of it makes me shut down. I'm behind in payments on everything except for my rent and car. I feel like a total jackass. I make decent money - I shouldn't be in this position, at all, but here I am. I feel stranded. Totally underwater. Any tips? Or can anyone commiserate?
  7. Hi there everyone. I was wondering what some of your experiences have been while doing major medication changes at home instead of in the hospital. My pdoc (I adore him) is working to help me stay functional in life and go through this at home, because that is what I wish. He tends to really respect my wishes. He did mention going inpatient. When I checked back in with him a week later, he seemed somewhat astonished that I was still managing my high stress job and was proud of how well I was keeping things together outside of hospital. I'll mention that I didn't make an appointment to see him initially, I just barged into his practice and talked his nurse into getting me in ASAP. However, doc and I really had to talk to some of the side effects that I'm having right now, including confusion (especially while driving), huge memory loss problems, and general zombie-ness. I'm still having difficulty holding on to one thought train at a time. So about 2 1/2 weeks ago, directly after I moved into my new apartment which is a huge step of independence for me considering MI, I started becoming manic with psychosis. I knew what was happening and I started recording things I was experiencing with the hope that I could hold out when the excitement of moving went down. No such luck.... I can look back at that journal and see that I wrote about how I was sitting next to and talking to a girl while we watched a movie on Netflix, and then discovered she wasn't there anymore. One night I woke up every five minutes screaming with night terrors. I heard someone talking to me constantly about my cat and where I should and shouldn't let her go and if I should pick her up, etc. I barely ate once a day, I wasn't sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night, and I spent a lot of this obsessively cleaning and organizing everything I own. One day I spent 8 hours non stop cleaning. I ended up missing 3 days of work but managed to save my job. But there was no euphoria with any of this energy... I was irritated as all hell and had a hard time interacting with clients at work anymore so I spent more time cleaning at work! Honestly, right now I still want to clean and organize things. It just feels good. Does anyone else think cleaning while manic feels amazing? Still trying to stabilize. Pdoc added 10 mg olanzapine and upped my lithium to 1200 from 900. Also put me on clonazepam 1mg 2x per day. Still on buproprion but taking one less per day. Let's just get this stable cause guys, I'm in tears I'm terrified of the crash coming after this. I don't remember the last time I experienced a manic episode this severe.
  8. Do you ever have daytime Hypo states but still sleep? I seem to be very hypo during the day for the last few days. It happens alot. It runs a few days and then I seem to even out. I ignore it, cus I still sleep at night. I do take 500mg of Seroquel before bed, so that may help me sleep. I dont really stop until the Seroquel hits my brain. Its day 3 so I cant ignore it. Speedy, talking too fast, moving really fast, giddy, over animated, not hungry, poor word recall,obsession purchases and lastly inappropriate laughing. (obsession purchases: purchasing they same thing over and over thinking that this one is different and I want/need it too). While none of the items listed seem a to be a problem and I feel fine I just dont think I can say I am hypo. Can I really even be hypo manic if I am sleeping?
  9. At times I can be walking around or whatever and I feel like I'm transforming, I feel this incredible, intoxicating energy, and I feel like I'm becoming a demon, or specifically a kitsune because I've always related to them. I can practically feel the claws and fangs growing. I walk around and I imagine how with such a power, such claws, I could easily kill these puny stupid humans, and I imagine cutting/stabbing them with my razor sharp claws, biting them, essentially, going feral and attacking the heck out of everyone. It's so much fun that it's hard to keep from leering at everyone. I'm grateful for the sunglasses on my face so they can't see my eyes, so bright and murderous. I understand that I'm not actually a demon, and I wouldn't actually kill anyone, but I get so pissed at people that you know you just want to kill someone, so at that time it's like so releasing and intoxicating. If it happens at night I feel like the moon is making me transform and it's like lending me its power and I just want to run and act crazy because it's night, the night air is alive with energy and everything has transformed under the light of the moon and is alive and free How about you?
  10. I'm not even Bipolar. I had a manic episode 5 years ago and no symptoms since then. I was going through a weird, hard time and I think circumstance just caused the episode. I did crazy and stupid things but before everything crashed and burned it was so... beautiful. So my question for Bipolar people is, has anyone out their learned to manage their mania so they can have fun with it without going over the top? I think that's what I'd try to do if I really had bipolar disorder. It seems like such a shame to shut off such an energetic, creative side of yourself, you know?
  11. I've been losing my mind lately and believing a dead person (or ghost...not sure yet what they are yet) is following me and talking to me. She told me to get a oujja board so I can try to communicate to her. I've been losing my mind lately, can't sleep very well, struggling to concentrate at college. I've been going out really late at night when the voices get too loud and I've been into a fight with a drunk, I got irritated because he called a 'puff' which is not true and I wonder why I got irritated. I am really happy at the moment but I don't think I am manic. That's what my key worker said but that was last week anyway. I wasn't taking my seroquel for three weeks about six weeks ago and I started on the half dose when I decided to get back on it. I stopped so I can lose weight. Then the doctor decided not to put me back at 800mg so I am at 400mg and it will stay like that. My mood stabilizers are still there. Is possible to experience psychosis outside of a manic episode considering the lowering dose of my antipsychotic and the fact I am still on mood stabilizers? (I mean I could be having a manic episode...I am happy but it's not the same as it was in the past, I had wild ones...really wild ones)
  12. I had a four week long hypomanic episode, my first ever, and I can kinda feel myself coming back down again. I was so active and now I feel exhausted during the day, possibly because of excessive activity for four weeks. Applying for tons of jobs, socialising all the time, staying up all night doing art or studying my ass off, participating in loads of sports and shit. Like I fell asleep on a bus today and woke up forty minutes from home... That has never happened before??? I don't feel down or depressed, but just kinda tired and and passive? What have your experiences of coming down after hypo/mania been like?
  13. so earlier today I came up with a little analogy for bipolar that I would like to share, in case anyone needs ways to explain bipolar to people close to them. I am thinking of doing this using this analogy. So you know how with a lightswitch, it has two positions, and most people, as kids, did that thing where they tried to balance the lightswitch in the middle? But it was pretty difficult, and usually ended up just going one way or the other. And even if you managed to get it in the middle, it never really lasted long before flicking one way. That's kinda what BP feels like. You crave the stability of the middle (unless you're lucky and experience the pleasant, fun, über productive type of hypomania I guess, like I do personally) so you try and balance the switch. When you're manic, you try to drink alcohol to stabilize... but this plunges you into depression. When you're depressed, you try to drink tons of caffeine and self medicate with antidepressants, but this sends you manic or triggers a mixed state, the lightswitch flickering between up and down at a rate which dizzies you. When the switch is 'up', your world is full of colour and light and it's all so beautiful. You can see the room: everything is bright, there are lots of awesome decorations, like how the world appears when hypomanic: full of beauty and opportunity. You feel like you're in utopia. When it's down you're plunged into darkness and can't see your hand in front of your face... like depression, you can't see your future, you can't see anything but the all-consuming sense of darkness and it terrifies you. The middle eludes you. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I only had one hour of sleep yesterday...
  14. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2, but I was not completely honest with what happens to me out of shame and guilt. These things are very hard for me to admit, and while I have before many years ago, I have no since. Until now. I do not know what to call it, but I am hoping someone can give me a little insight from their own personal experience of psychosis, mania, or any related experiences. I am also no longer taking medication currently. I struggle to swallow pills after two years of abuse. My body convulses when I try in remembrance of getting sick every day because of it when I was in my late teens. It has been 3-4 years since. When I hear mania, I think of happy. What I was told recently was high energy that everyone experiences differently. Mine seems to be anger. No, not anger. Fury. A wild and violent anger. Violent- to anyone who knows me this seems impossible. I am typically very calm and act just like any normal person. I take care of myself, my home, and my family. I'm doing well enough with my classes, etc. Even my SO tells me that 80% of the time no one would ever know something is wrong (unless I'm being depressed). Yet, when I get angry, no furious, it happens so easily and it is not normal. It can also happen in different ways. One way is how you may think of this rage. My body literally increases in temperature to the point where I could be sweating outside when it is snowing. I can feel the blood rushing to my head like someone is holding me upside down and a sinking, devastated feeling all at the same time. Then, as pathetic as I feel for saying this... I throw a temper tantrum. A massive two year old temper tantrum that can become violent if anyone interferes. I have choked someone who attempted to. I thrash the entire place causing damage to walls, floors, and break doors. I scream and cry agonizingly and for some reason, I literally cannot stop. It is as though I'm screaming for help because my body is on fire. I become cruel, furious, and out of control. Well, I have enough control not to hurt anyone who stands out of my way and that's it, so I am not dangerous to others as long as I'm given space to let it all out. It can go on for hours. It can be set off but paranoia. I can have realistic things that I am worried about, but fear them to the level of obsession which sets this fits off. I can fabricate problems out of tiny things and make them larger than they are. I'm often told I'm looking for something that isn't there to be mad at. The other type is much more worrisome. In a desperate attempt to control myself I become almost completely unresponsive, as if I am retreating into my own little world and paralyzing myself to try and keep control. I do not move for a long period of time and stare at the wall repeating a single sentence in my head. This typically happens when I start having intrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt someone. I will keep repeating to myself how badly I want to, and somehow it makes me realize how terrible that is, and as if thinking it over and over is getting that same relief, letting it out in a non-violent way. Or even if it is a different sort of thought, I will keep repeating it over and over, struggling to keep control of myself. These things are triggered by events only and I always know the reason. When it is over, I feel like an entirely different person and I have a hard time believing that I ever felt that way. During those times I also feel wired with energy, restlessness, but not sleeplessness. I can actually fall asleep like that if I enter the second state that I talked about and I can fall asleep that way. In the morning I end up feeling like it never happened. Please no negative thoughts, I'm trying to do something about this and feel bad enough for acting this way as it is.
  15. *image from the website below.. i do not own it nor did i create the chart/graph* http://blog.23andme.com/23andme-research/what-patients-say-works-for-bipolar-disorder/ What would you add to this as most helpful and least helpful? or what do you already see on it that you agree with? A combination of meds, therapy and small stuff can help someone a lot.
  16. Anyone know of any kind of supplement (vitamins, herbs, etc) that help reduce mania? Thanks!
  17. I am on Lithium, and have predominantly Manic episodes. The Lithium is helping the mood swings, but not my Anxiety, so I am going to soon be trying Lyrica for my Anxiety. Does anybody else have experience with the combination, OE even just Lyrica for anxiety? Any input would be awesome. :-)
  18. Recently I changed my diet drastically to around 800 calories in hopes to lose weight rather quickly. I know this isn't what people suggest I do - but I'm doing it anyway. I think this has happened in the past but I never noticed it until now... I think changing my diet so abruptly sends me into mania/hypomania. I have been stable for a couple weeks now and as soon as I changed my diet my sleep changed, my energy changed, many characteristics that suggest I'm headed toward mania are present. Has anyone else noticed abrupt changes in diet to induce mood shifts? I think as I am now medicated and I haven't in the past, the mania/hypomania is kept at bay. But still, I notice the symptoms.
  19. Hello everyone, Thank you in advance if you read this. I just registered because my friend suggested I get some guidance and she's smarter than I'll ever be, haha. This is my first time taking an antidepressant. I had a bit of a rough past so I guess that makes me predisposed to depression. I guess as a result I'm a super anxious person but I try to act normal enough. Anyway, my life took a bad turn recently with a lot happening so I became really depressed. I never had mania. I just felt sad, gloomy, depressed and anxious 24/7, even doing fun things. I just "dealt" with it for a long time and periodically tried to figure a solution out on my own, but then it became overwhelming. I started at 5mg on Lexapro and I felt good for the first week and a half, then it went away entirely and I felt depressed again. Then they put me on 10mg and I had a lot of side effects, but I still felt depressed. I gave it 8 weeks to see if it would help but it didn't make the depression go away. Then the doctor upped me to 20mg and I've been on that for two or three weeks. A few of the side effects I've had are: I get nauseous a lot. A LOT. For an hour or two after taking it the front of my brain under my forehead will feel "tight" and hurt in more of a general way. I felt that way all the time after I started on it but now it's only right after taking the pill. I have anorgasmia unless I'm being manic. The mania started a few days after I began taking the 20mg. I never had mania before and it's kind of scary having it now but fun at the same time? I can immediately recognize when I'm being manic because I'll feel invincible, and there will be this extreme feeling or euphoria in my chest (almost like I've had 3 energy drinks and a coffee in one sitting). I run around doing all sorts of stuff like cleaning, making plans, wanting to spend money, buying stuff, going out, etc. I'm usually very frugal and I don't buy things unless I've thought about it for at least a few days, but recently I've had these really intense desires to buy just "stuff" and I've spent a lot of money. I almost bought a Groupon for like $300 for cosmetic surgery at 4am just a day or two ago! I'm trying to save my money for a big purchase so that's very uncharacteristic of me. I'm also extremely irritable while I'm being manic and am quick to lose my patience. I'll also be super optimistic about everything, and talk fast, and call everybody I know to chat a lot, and post a lot of things on Facebook. I feel very impulsive with what I say, too. Insomnia. I've been up until anywhere from 5am to 8am every night If I lay in bed with the lights off I will simply lie there for hours without sleeping just thinking about "stuff". After the mania wears off I feel even more depressed than ever. I feel gloomy and oddly enough the world seems more grey-ish and gloom and doom. I get mad about everyone and everything. I have no patience for anybody. That sort-of came to a head when I lost my mind at my coworker. She's been making me mad for a while now, but today I called her the c-word and said some nasty things to her in response to a sarcastic thing she said in IM. Then I told my boss I quit my job, but I need my job for the big purchase I plan to make. So that's okay now I guess because I un-quit, but I'm yo-yo-ing with this mania/depression thing. I was thinking that I might need a different anti-depressant since this one doesn't really work for me at lower doses, but makes me manic at this high dose. My suicidal thoughts have almost completely gone away ever since I started taking Lexapro so I've been pleased with that. misc info: Both my father and my brother are paranoid schizophrenic but I don't display any of those symptoms, I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and I'm planning to go on either Metformin or Spironolactone, I take the birth control pill Marlissa, I have problems with my kidneys /urinary tract and so did my mother. My doctor told me that I'm vitamin D deficient so I take vitamin D when I remember, and sporadically I'll remember to take my multi-vitamin. I take Xanax sometimes when I'm having a panic attack or am too anxious but I don't like taking it too often. Thanks for reading. I tried to be concise but that seems like a lot of text.
  20. i don't know where to put this since it could apply to several forums i guess but i thought it fit best here, anyway, digress, i have noticed that everything hits at once, the mania, psychosis, and PTSD all peaks at the same time, one triggering the other like a domino effect. i never was able to tease apart why, what comes first. if i start to go crazy and then the PTSD intrusions jump out or if the PTSD intrusions cause me to go crazy, or both. around spring, summer, and fall is when everything gets its worst, especially the intrusive thoughts of childhood and the flashbacks. it mounts as time goes by. starts with looking outside and everything i look at sparks a memory of something that i hadn't remembered which sometimes leads into a full flashback. it gets worse and worse as time goes by until the environment becomes thoroughly over-stimulating, colors are too much, sound is too much, can't go outside because its too much and i am suspended in this weird state of wanting to run and hide because i'm afraid of everything, but also immense energy i can't sit still and i feel both elated and terrified at the same time and with this flood of intrusive memories i just cant put sense anywhere. its overwhelming and very very scary. in winter i am fine. intrusions come but its okay, i've been stable since about january and its been great, scared now though because some things reminiscent of my last bad episode are coming back again. it starts with all these memories and flashbacks. its random, every little thing, smells, sounds, sometimes no cause at all and i get a memory and it feels like im a kid again. my tdoc says he thinks its because of the mania. that when im manic or hypomanic there are more connections being made inn my brain and those connections bring up intrusive memories and flashbacks. i was wondering if anyone else experiences this? when you're in a manic episode or about to be in one, do your PTSD symptoms flare up especially in form of intrusive memories? does this make sense? has anyone heard of this before of mania causing an increase in PTSD flashbacks and thoughts? thank you. osrry if this is an inappropriate forum for this.
  21. I want to hear all about mixed states. What were they like for you? What did you do to stop them? What happened while they were happening? Everything and anything. Spare me no details. I am a little obsessed with this forum right now because this is the first place I have ever come that I can sit and ramble on about what happens to me in extreme detail without fear of scaring or worrying people I love. Anyway, this is my version of mixed episodes. I know it's long but it was a relief to get into a typed up post that someone with similar symptoms might see and respond to. Bipolar a la saint alto... When I first was diagnosed as bipolar my moods were much more defined. Pure mania, pure depression. It wasn't a good thing to have of course, but it was a bit easier to treat and I responded better to medication back then. The mixed states started about 4 years in and have increased a little every year. It has been 11 years now since my initial diagnosis and its has replaced those defined manias/depressions completely. These things don't respond well to any meds I take. I can usually treat them when they happen, but nothing has been effective in preventing them from happening in the first place. They hold my life in check until the day I can figure out some treatment that can do the prevention and the treating. Mixed episodes are kinda everything at once, hence mixed. I can describe mixed episodes as being pulled by every emotional extreme in every direction all at the same time. It feels like your body is going to explode or implode or shatter or do all of those things. It simply is not made to handle feeling suicidal, euphorically happy, hysterically scared, viciously angry all at one time. During these mixed moods I am most likely to hurt myself or worse. This is because My mind will hand me any psychotic hallucination or delusion if it gives me an excuse to do that. It just needs what is happening to stop and to stop as quickly as it can make me stop it. They can feel like you are being torn apart from the inside. Maybe this are different for others but I can say that when I am in the throws of one, I can never know what I will do or what will happen. I usually curl up in a ball on the bed and not move for what feels like hours so that I can't act on my thoughts. It's so hard because my head tries to make me think I am in scenarios such being held against my will by my own family, or that people are coming to hurt me, and I often think my mind is being read by other people. They are going to report me for whatever reason and the government is going to arrest me and take me somewhere because of what it was thinking. Sometimes I believe these things, sometimes I can see through them. Interaction with other people during a mixed state is not a good thing. When people talk to me, what comes of their mouths is very different from what they are really saying. My mind will reconstruct all their words in a way that might sufficiently frighten me into making it stop in some drastic manner. It is very confusing to people around me when this happens because I am responding to what they are saying in a bizarre and unrelated way. Most of the time I get through all this intact, but it's so tiring and i feel utterly exhausted for days afterwards. The way I can fight it is by taking 6-8 seroquel, curling up, and wait it out until the pills kick in. After that, the rest of the day is spent in a groggy haze of popping seroquel on the hour just to be sure I am safe. I reach the point where i can't even open my eyelids, but I can't quite sleep either. I am paralysed. I refer to this as "nuking" my mood state. I throw everything I've got at it and my husband brings me food and stuff. It's not like I need to do that every day, but often enough. I never exceed 800 mg though, I am smart enough to make sure doses aren't endangering me. What's most terrifying about mixed states is that I have absolutely no build up or warning to indicate they will happen. Nothing what so ever. They hit me out of nowhere with the intensity of my earlier, well defined, mood episodes. Those used to take at the very least a few days to reach a high point and much much longer to dip to the lowest points. I don't have time frame anymore. In between my mixed states I go into in a sort of mini-bipolar period. I become a dormant volcano of sorts, but a grumbling one. I am moody in a more defined way. It is a much more reasonable state to be in when it comes to keeping things stable. I do still get delusions in-between mixed states (no hallucinations), but they generally aren't destructive or dangerous. I can also catch them early on. This would be great, and easily controlled if things were that way in a dependable way. Unfortunately, since I can't predict what is going to happen and when serious mixed state will hit, I cannot really do much with my life. I get tastes of being functional-ish in tidbits, but its not to be trusted. All in all, these moods are more frequent as the years go on and they really drain your strength to fight back. My mind is so exhausted. /fin Wow, that was freaky to write in a non-personal physical journal format. now, tell me your experiences.
  22. Hello all from a fellow bipolar. who is in urgent need of advice from other bipolars... this is long, but please take time to read it, my thoughts are hard to express in a clear way right now. I did the best I could. I really need advice. First off, I'll sum this up. I don't feel crazy and I can't understand why people are telling me I'm not acting normally. This is all coming from my husband. I have to establish very clearly that he is a calm, level headed, patient man who has been only a blessing for me since the day we met. Right now he is very worried about me but I don't understand why, as much as he tells me things. Here is my history... I am diagnosed as having bipolar 1. In the past few years, I suffer almost exclusively with mixed episodes on the psychotic side of things. This usual manifests as a sandwich of rage/love/despair/gratefulness/hopelessness/intense optimism/laughter/crying/suicidal all at once. That and I start getting delusions and auditory hallucinations. I've dealt with this illness for 11 years so I am pretty aware of warning signs and symptoms that require help. I'm 100% compliant to pills and counselling. Right now I don't feel in the throws of my usual mixed episodes and I don't feel a danger to myself so long as I am not in a situation where I am alone. I can't be alone because that does make things crazy. The reason I am writing is that right now I have this weird split going on. I sort of know something is very wrong based on the reactions of my husband and my friend. He is so worried and overwhelmed by something and he is so level headed and keeps his calm almost ALL the time... but he just blew yesterday. He just kept saying "I don't know what to do!" According to others I'm acting strangely I think... I say I think because I don't know what it is I'm doing. Honest to God, everything seems normal to me. I have some kinda intense secretive beliefs going on about my existence and what I do, but I just can't think of them as being harmful to anyone, or why it should be so upsetting that I am enjoying being inspired. I don't see the alone thing being an issue because people are in close proximity to me all the time, at least for a few more months and I should be better by then if I need to be better. I will say I get hysterical a lot lately over small things. I am not "well". But there has never been a point my history that anything has been fully effective in treatment. I can function, but only at a base level (no job, low stress environment). Right now I stop getting hysterical by repeating to myself "this isn't real" or writing that a lot. It helps me calm down, so I see nothing wrong about a coping mechanism. I can't get much out of my husband that I can understand. I am seeing my doctor soon, my psychiatrist, and counsellor. I don't know what I should do though? I'm taking massive seroqel doses so my head is blurry a bit, and that makes it even harder to think or what to do. I sleep normally, but it has never been sleep deprivation that triggered my manic episodes, and I guess they are severe. It feels like someone sneezing 100 miles away can be a trigger for my episodes, they are so sensitive to EVERYTHING. Anyway, Is the whole definition of crazy dependant on a person not thinking or believing themselves to be so? Should I be in a hospital? I'm only a danger when I'm alone, I've come to realise this for now. But when my husband is here I feel okay. Maybe it's unfair to ask this much of everyone around me 24/7... I'm rambling... just help me understand some things if you can. Someone? Thanks in advance. I'm very confused
  23. Input? What's your Experience? I feel like I have experienced times when I had (hypo)manic symptoms but was still able to sleep just fine.
  24. I'm in a mixed state, and my depression the past three or so days has been really bad but lately I've been wanting to do some crazy fucked up shit cause I'm feeling apathetic and suicidal I guess? Like, eh fuck it. That sort of mood. The things I've been thinking about include drug use, self harm, ruining my relationships by being a bitch, stealing things, not going to work, unsafe sex with strangers, extreme out of character sort of things really. I mean, to put in perspective how crazy that is- I've never used illegal or recreational drugs and I've never stolen, and I've only ever had one sexual partner who I am still with. This state of depressed apathy sort of coinciding with these ideas of 'if it doesnt kill me so the fuck what' and if it does kill me- so the fuck what. I'm feeling really snappy and edgy and teary eyed. So I dunno. Tomorrow I'm talking about it with my case manager but like. Fuck. It's ruining my life having these thoughts and feelings. They don't feel like my own. Any suggestions on how to cope or deal or drown these thoughts out? Maybe safer alternatives to let the feelings out?
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