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Today, in a moment of helplessness and near rage—triggered by a stupid, insignificant incident—I told my brother to please offer any kind of help. He mumbled a response, something along the lines of, if he helps me I'll just find some reason to criticize him, at which point my vision blurred and I found myself saying, "I swear to God, I will kill myself." Now I feel like shit for saying such a thing. In that moment some part of me must have meant it, but it still feels a lot like manipulating someone just to get what I want. I realize I only ever threaten people that way when I feel incredibly alone. I am ashamed that I do this. I am ashamed that I make everything about myself. I am ashamed that I seem to think I should get special treatment just because some doctor gave me a name for what it is to have too many thoughts and feelings. I am so ashamed. Call it a call for help. Whatever. I must be alone for a reason. Who wants to help such a glorious mess like me? When I call I call too loudly. It makes me want to disappear to make things even with the universe.