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For the past year I spent so much money that some days my husband didn't have money to eat. His teeth rotted because the was no money to get then fixed. Whenever I saw something I felt like I had to have it. I would forget how little money we had and just buy it. For most of our ten year relationship I haven't had a job. At first I would get jobs and not be able to keep them. I became convinced that my bipolar disorder was too severe and tried to get on disability but I couldn't. I finally just gave up. I've always been lazy but the past year I just laid in bed and spent most of the time obsessively reading trying to find answers to stupid problems that could never be answered. I wouldn't even pay attention to my husband when he got home from work I was so wrapped up in my phone. He would come home in severe pain and have to do the chores that I hadn't done all day and I wouldn't even offer to help. I thought it was his job making him hurt and didn't even connect that I was by not doing anything. He began to get depressed. Again I just thought it was his job and how his life was going at the time and didn't even think, hey, this is my fault. Towards the middle of the year things were getting really bad and I didn't notice, and he made friends with a girl because he was so lonely. I've always been jealous, so naturally I thought she was trying to take him. I got really angry and told him that I wished she would die, and she was suicidal and I don't remember if I knew that or not, but in any case I was too angry too care. He has never forgiven me for that. He was feeling so lonely and depressed and I never picked up on it. The last few months of the year he had given up and was planning to leave me. He was having sex online and started a blog filled with porn. He never told me he was going to leave because he was afraid of getting kicked out and had nowhere to go. He has said that I'm angry and violent and I know that I am sometimes, but I don't feel like it happens very often. I punched him in the leg once when I lost a game and I have punched inanimate objects and destroyed electronics a time or two. But this is over the span of a ten year relationship. At the end of the year I caught him cheating, got pissed and threw him out, realized I was angry and did something stupid and he was freezing in the cold and said he could come back. I got intensely jealous of his friend and didn't want them to be friends anymore. At the end of the year he was feeling suicidal often. I had to hide the keys and medicine repeatedly. At the end he came home from work broken saying over and over that he would never leave the house or make friends again. That it was the only way to make me happy. I told him it wasn't true. I just didn't want him being friends with her but something had broken. He sounded dead inside. For the next five days he was bent on killing himself. I couldn't leave his side. I hardly slept. I tried repeatedly to get him to go in the hospital but he said he never wanted to go back. It didn't help. He kept saying why would I not just let him end the suffering. I called an ambulance and he finally agreed to go to the ER, but when he got there he lied and said nothing was wrong. He went looking for the keys to the car and got very close to finding them. I got scared and called an ambulance again. He went and this time he must have told them because they wouldn't let him go home. He was only going to stay three days so I had him committed. I felt terrible but I didn't want him to die. It was the holidays so the courts were slow and he had to stay over a month. The time apart did us good and all we wanted to do was be with each other again. Everything seemed great but within a few weeks we have torn each other down again. I won't let him do anything without observing. I know it's wrong, but I'm so scared he's going to cheat again. I try to lay off but then I just can't handle it. We'll get into an argument and end up blaming each other for the past. It's so up and down. One day everything seems great, the next it feels like we're going to leave each other. There is so much heartbreak. We're trying to get counseling but can only afford so many appointments. I've been trying to change. When he was feeling better he helped me find a job and I've kept it for three weeks. I try to keep up with the chores but with my new job I falter. The major things were me constantly accusing him of things I'm starting to not even think he's doing and the hurt from the past. And then this happened...