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Found 26 results

  1. I woke up this morning, feeling panic overwhelming me over a negative response from my neighbor. The emotion I am experiencing is deep distress and I can feel it internally crushing me. I am not coping at all well with this. I find myself drawn to her because we share a common trauma background. Sometimes she comes to my apartment just to talk about all this and I feel soo connected to her. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that she has some borderline traits in her - it's the push away and suddenly pull back. She acts like she hates me and suddenly she loves me and tells me so. When she pushes away, it's an awful experience and leaves me an emotional wreck. Then she will come back and saturate me with her needs to talk about soo many things where I live, her emotional instability issues, etc. I sit and listen and we talk and I feel better after she leaves and we are finally getting along, only to be assaulted again verbally from her and weeks go by and she ignores me. Another odd thing about her. With this intimate friendship I have with her (Intimate meaning sharing of like experiences), she will call on my cell or text me but when she is out and about with her friends (she only goes out in public with her friends), she ignores me and so do they. So, this morning I am experiencing her pushing me away violently last night. I am drawn to this behavior from her, as it feeds into my cycle of abuse history. I used to go back to my mother just to be abused. I would call her and she would act delighted to hear from me and tell me how much she loves me, only moments later to go for the jugular. I would walk away from that telephone conversation feeling completely ruined. This is what is occurring with my neighbor, I am in the dance of abuse with her and I don't know how to get out of it. Even just recognizing what is really going on, I can't seem to extricate myself from her. I block her telephone calls and texting one minute and then open it back up. Last night I shut off my phone so that I would not be tempted to read any lingering texts from her and react to it. This morning when I turned on my phone, she did not respond to my last text to her and I was disappointed and fearful what she must be saying behind my back to her 4 close friends. I live in fear of her and in fear of myself when she abuses me. It takes alot of work to pick myself back up each time.
  2. I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself?
  3. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  4. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  5. I have abused alcohol since I was 15, and things got completely out of control starting in 2002. At my peak consumption, I was downing over 40 drinks a day. That was late 2013/early 2014. I have tried desperately to stop, or at least cut back, but I've always ended up spiraling out of control again. I somehow managed 74 days dry once, but mostly it was a week or less, and then I was back to drinking morning, noon, and night again, day in and day out. A few months back, I read an article about a doctor who treated his patients with naltrexone. But instead of taking it every day, his patients just take it when they drink. He says to take it an hour before, and that he had a 72% success rate, which meant 72% of his patients stayed below ten drinks a week. Some people even stopped drinking entirely. I thought that sounded pretty impressive, so I asked my pdoc for a prescription for it at my last appointment. So far it has worked splendidly. I've managed to keep my consumption to two to four drinks at a time. And without trying, which is the real kicker. Before, trying to curb my drinking meant quite a bit of suffering and somehow summoning enormous willpower. Now, it's just no big deal. So lately when I feel the urge to drink, I'll go ahead and pop a pill and have a few drinks. And instead of buying massive quantities of alcohol at a time, I can just buy a bottle of wine or a six pack, and still have some left over. It somehow helps with the frequency of my drinking, too, even though I don't take it every day. I'm also happy that it's not an all-or-nothing affair, which means I can drink socially if I want to. Anyway, I thought I'd share my experience. It's still early on (I've only had the Rx for three weeks), but it seems to deliver as promised. It's just so nice not to be controlled by the sauce for once. I'll report back if anything changes, but I'm pretty sure I've found the solution I've been searching for. I hope others who are struggling with alcohol can be helped by this.
  6. I've had a history of self harm since seventh grade, and when my mom found out about it she used to do body checks. She used to make me show her mybody so she would know if ive hurt myself or not. The whole situation is very uncomfortable and made me feel 10x more insecure than i was.Although i know she was only doing it to protect and make sure i was okay,i was wondering if it was some kind of abuse or damaging when someone does that?
  7. [TW: Brief/abstract mention of abuse/abusers] So, we've been getting a mix of outright-nightmares and intensely-vivid-dreams that are still on the "that was uncomfortable/disconcerting/constant-anxiety" spectrum, to the point of being often afraid to go to bed as a result. Abusers appear commonly, but far from "always", and PTSD nightmares were a thing we used to get that mostly faded.. A lot of these aren't related to them in any way I can see. Usually we get at least 2 'bad dreams' a night, sometimes more, often due to the "wake up a little early/on time, fall back asleep" thing, but often not; More recently dreams have been starting to chain together into ones where you 'wake up', which then go Unpleasantly as well. We have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome III, which I know causes raised adrenaline, night-time adrenal spikes, and thus vivid dreams & poor sleep. But still. This is a whole new level of it. Anyway. This makes us feel never-actually-rested and really dreading sleep every night and.. Yeah. Any tips? We've been in a mental health breakdown for the past few months (due to, but not exclusively, homelessness crisis/new abuse, housed but not out of the woods on practical stressors there by a long way), but since this is actively helping prolong & make the breakdown worse, any advice'd be much appreciated. thanks, Wynn
  8. Hi there, I'm new to this, so I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong place, rambles, etc. I have a new dx from my counselor, one that no one has ever mentioned to me, C-PTSD. I am waiting for a pdoc and have an appointment that was scheduled 3 months out...so, I'm pretty much treading water here. C-PTSD makes sense, I've had all forms of trauma that I know of. Believe it or not, I just realized a couple weeks ago that an 11 year old, cannot consent to sex (so add sex abuse to my list of childhood traumas). But, I believed it was my anxiety & depression that held me down. I have done a lot of counseling like 3 x a week for years, a lot of learning (I earned a BS in Human Development 5 years ago), and lots of group therapy. I thought I had moved past my hurt, even the freshest & most paralyzing of my trauma, the severe physical, emotional and psychological abuse from my ex-husband. I escaped this 1/1/2008, a day I will never forget. I thought that I had put in the work to recover and I was "fine". I remarried 8/7/2011. I noticed that I had some trust issues slide in. My husband is very structured, type A, black & white, and likes things how he likes them. I am easy going, sporadic, and free spirited. I talked myself out of thinking he was an "abusive, controlling" husband. Then, the trigger. My husband wrote a letter that sounded very controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. I snapped. This was about 6 weeks ago. I haven't been on meds for 10 years (not that I've been 100% fine without them), but I became very scared that I was being controlled. Asked for a divorce, called crisis line, got on meds and a waiting list for a pdoc. I was suicidal & out of control in my head. Husband was very "sorry" and things have been better than they have in many years. Like, over the top, nice, considerate and here spend $4k on your garden if you want...Ya, that nice. A couple nights ago, I felt controlled my husband was being unkind, and I freaked out, again wanting a divorce. He called me crazy, which is a big no-no. This makes me want to show <insert whoever> what crazy is. But this time, I also told off my church that I felt was being unkind (and I'd been stuffing it) in a 2 page letter, the head of the company I work for (wouldn't buy or allow me to buy an ergo desk per dr. orders), and my husband...I also recklessly have been driving my sports car through town in a lot of road rage (I am normally super considerate/kind/let people over/drive 25 in the residential hood). Now I feel like I don't want anyone close to me, I don't care if I am jeopardizing my job, I just want to be safe, protected and not vulnerable. I don't want anyone in my bubble. I want to sit in a dark closet and rock. I have 2 friends, neither are local, I cut out everyone who hurts me or I think is judging me, I rarely speak to my family & my mom is dead. I am super sensitive & I believe intuitive, though my husband says I read too much into things. I feel relieved and invigorated and at the same time wonder if I'm being reckless? Maybe a bit manic from my meds? When the shit hit the fan yesterday, I had already taken a Klonipin...so, not sure where my new voice came from. Okay, so this is officially a ramble. But my overarching question is: Can you ever really trust someone? How do you let your guard down? Should you even let your guard down? If I do trust him, how can I help him to understand how to deal with my issues? He thinks I should just trust him. Thanks for any advice or experiences you are willing to share.
  9. 4 years ago is when it ended completely, the drug abuse that is. I started when I was 18 and did so on and off. I abused over the counter medications, which was really all I could get my hands on, but the amount I used to take baffles me. I would give amounts, but I am not sure if that is appropriate on here. If it is alright, I will tell you guys. Anyway, I took a lot in a single setting many, many times over a few years on and off. The worst was when I was 18, then I stopped for almost a year before picking up the habit again, but even remotely as bad or often. To this day, I cannot take medication without a serious struggle for psychological reasons. I had gotten sick many times for these many overdoses. There mere smell of medicine can be enough to make me hurl. Because of this, I cannot take any of the medication I need for my mental health on a daily basis. It takes a long time, and a lot of stress to swallow a small pill, and is not always successful. Has anyone experienced something like this? I am also worried that this may of caused kidney and/or liver damage. I would think that 4 years later I would know if it was enough to be deadly. Would it be healing by now without treatment? Could this physical damage come back to haunt me later in life?
  10. All kinds of trigger warnings here. Also, if you are bipolar or have strong feelings about it you may want to give this one a miss. A lot of what I'm going to say might be hurtful or offensive, tho I certainly don't mean that towards anyone here. My mother has type 1 bipolar disorder. I know it's true, it makes perfect sense. She was white knuckling for years, before she got diagnosed, self medicating, hiding her paranoid delusions. I got out 3yrs ago and planned to never speak to her again. I was a kid, I didn't know why she was screaming/ sobbing/ ranting...abusing/ neglecting/begging me for help. All I knew was that she was NOT my Mom, the woman who used to love me --and that therefore I was free to hate her fucking guts. (Fun aside--imagine trying to explain this theory to a shrink without sounding crazy yourself.) And now she's getting help, hooray. Diagnosis! Explanations! Meds and therapy and doctors, oh my. She wants to "reconnect" now that she's "herself again." She showed me the notebooks filled with her scribbled delusions. I've agreed to meet with her one a month, with a friend I trust. But I don't want to forgive her and I don't even want to hear her explanations or even understand "why." Is this wrong of me? Morally? or in terms of my own sense of peace? People tell me I need closure and I get that too. But I DON'T EFFING WANT IT. (You know that movie Silver Linings Playbook? I HATE that movie. I hate that I'm supposed to feel so sorry for him. I'm so pissed at Bradley Cooper for ruining his own hotness for me, forever.)
  11. this is going to be long but i really need someones help, or advice, or experience. im an emotional wreck. so let me give some background information. Ive been on antidepressants since I was 15. I also suffer from anxiety. Ive been on zoloft before and effexor xr. I stopped effexor xr a few months back and switched to wellbutrin. Effexor was making me tired, fat, and just dulled me. It was then my pdoc suggested wellbutrin xr. From the start it was a hard medication for me to adjust to, but I really wanted it to work so I gave it a try. After a month or two I felt great. The side effects were gone, and I was happy. But about a month ago my anixety went haywire. I thought it was maybe making my adhd worse so I started taking adderall again. (I stopped for a short while because I had got up to 60mg a day and was wrecking my body). Adderall didnt help and if anything, my anxiety was worse. So about two weeks ago I stopped taking my wellbutrin. I was frustrated and Ive never tried to stop taking meds to see how Id feel. I wanted to get back in the gym, eating healthy, and give my body a chance to heal itself. I went about it all wrong. First I was just taking my ativan twice a day for my anxiety. It was working well. I didnt feel doped up or weird, just normal. And then I went back on my adderall. 5mg 3 times a day. Sometimes 10mg twice a day. Id feel great for a short time, and then crash and have to take more. So my doc suggested adding adderall xr. Tried that for a day or two but it made me extremely tired. So I tried taking it with a 5mg IR and then 5mg later in the afternoon. I still felt extremely strung out at the end of the day. Like I spent the day doing hard drugs. Id be so wired and anxious, so that then Id have to take my ativan at night. And now that is where Im at. I take adderall during the day, and around 5 start to feel terrible. Im anxious, nauseous, dehydrated even though ive been drinking water, and i feel like im coming down off crack. I come home, and take ativan. Im rx'ed 0.5mg but last night I took two and today I took 2 again, and then another one about 30 minutes ago. Im sick to my stomach over this. My mind doesnt know what the fuck is going on. Im up, and then Im down, and then at the end of the day Im mad at myself for doing this. I get home and feel like a zombie. I cant enjoy being with my husband, or my dog, or anything. Im so wired and fucked up and then I just want to cry. I want to stop. I dont want any shit in my system anymore. Tomorrow (like today) Im telling myself I wont take the adderall. Its just easier said then done, especially when I wake up and Im tired and sluggish, and just feel on edge because theres still adderall in my system. So i take one, and then feel better. And say ok, Ill take my next dose, I feel the crash coming on. Im scared. How do I do this? How do I detox? I know last time I stopped adderall cold turkey it was awful. I was a disgusting, tired mess. I was anxious. I had no motivation. To add it in, Im scared that if I stop my ativan at the same time Im going to be putting my body in double shock. I have been taking ativan on a daily basis up until recently, so Im hoping there wont be withdrawals, but I also know I need it for the anxiety - but I dont want to get dependent on it. What do I do? How do I get through this? Please someone help me. Im a manic mess. My husband got me flowers last night with a beautiful note, just because, and I cried because I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to be healthy. Please help me. Im desperate and at the end of my rope
  12. I need to see a therapist or someone. I need to know what's going on and I need to get better. The problem is that my parents are never going to let that happen. I'm 17 and in my state I can seek my own medical care, but I'm homeschooled and my parents are very controlling. I don't think I can get away long enough to even make it to the nearest tdoc. And then there's the money issue: I have some, but my parents will see the transaction immediately and I'll never hear the end of it. What I would honestly like to do is leave, even if that means attending some sort of inpatient program for a while, but I don't have anywhere near enough money to move out or pay for that kind of care. I make about $400/month. Is there anything I can do? I need healthcare (both mental and medical) and I need out of here. I don't know how much longer I can take being here. Note: Before you ask, CPS can't do anything to help me. I've tried it, and tried it, and tried it. All starting that does is drag more people down. The case never survives long enough to accomplish anything, because of my father's connections. One phone call and it's like it never happened.
  13. I recently had a fight with my girlfriend, and it got me to reading about projective identification. I was reading things about MIs like Borderline/Narcissistic PDs and behaviors like mobbing, projective identification, and it seems like: A) There are a high number of people, close and not close, in my life who have these MIs B) I am the victim of their pathologies and also of these general behaviors I know that people are probably thinking I'm getting trigger happy with dxs, but I think in my personal life I attract them/am attracted by them. It kind of freaks me out to think about. Like maybe I have a PD myself or (and I think this is certainly true) there's something wrong with me that makes me the constant victim to this behavior. Am I being crazy or could this really be true? I read that the abusive behaviors people with these PDs exhibit would be targeted towards someone no matter what, but I, throughout my life, feel singled out in this regard. I am the one who gets ganged up on and abused. And people, who normally seem okay, don't seem to care. Am I just totally fucked up, or is humanity/society fucked up (I live in the US), or both? I'd be happy to answer almost any questions about my circumstances, why I've come to the conclusions I have, etc. It's really disturbing to me.
  14. I feel like my ex-husband is overly interested in my 13 yr. old daughter. There weren't clear signs though. I felt like I was projecting my own childhood onto hers. My step-father told everyone he was "in love" with me. I haven't even told this to my therapist. It is horribly embarassing and caused a lot of problems in my future relationships. But there wasn't physical abuse so I thought I was over-reacting. My husband began to pay a lot of attention to my daughter who was 12 at the time. I felt uncomfortable but thought I was projecting my childhood onto hers. It seemed innocent enough. She finally had a father figure who loved her. But recently she was hospitalized for suicide prevention. He paid even more attention to her. To me, it seemed to become an obsession. She had told me she was uncomfortable with his constant hugging and attention. He had started sleeping in the rec room downstairs by her bedroom at this point, to keep an eye on her "he says" At this point, I was deep in my own depression. But thanks to some amazingly supportive people on this board, I have gotten the help I needed. I am starting to think clearly. I felt like he was treating my daughter like a girlfriend, not a child. Daughter and I sat him down the other night and she talked to him about boundaries. I let her do most of the talking. He walked out only to get a bottle of pills and alcohol. He was going to kill himself because "she hated him". I stopped him. Secretly I wish I didn't. Has anyone else been through emotional/covert incest? How do you fix it?
  15. How many of us do this? Is it a fun aspect of abandonment issues, or something else? I'm still in contact with people who have not treated me well. I'm still in contact with people who were directly responsible for a myriad of the things that make life hard for me. It seems no matter what they do or say- rape, physical abuse, gaslighting, actively humiliating me or my partner- I can't seem to cut them off. I'll be very angry for a little while but I ultimately end up acting like it never happened. It's something I plan on talking more with my lovely therapist about, but in the mean time, what do you lot think? Do you do the same? Have you done the same? How do you deal?
  16. I know when I'm not properly medicated I feel the need to change my "thoughts". That's the best I can explain the feeling. Perhaps a natural reaction to level moods? Does anybody else feel this?
  17. Addictions are not only dangerous during the abuse of the drug or alcohol, but afterwards as well. Suffering the after math of it is certainly no easy feat, but I suppose this is the price you pay for it. There is no use now wishing that it never happened. It is over now, and all that is left is suffering the damage it left and moving forward. I never smoked a cigarette or did hard street drugs. I smoked weed for awhile, and when I was denied any other type of street drugs since all the dealers were actually looking out for me, I turned to pharmaceutical drugs. I would say I was a pill-popper, but that was not all I took. I popped pills during the day and could easily down multiple bottles. At night I took different cold medicines that made me drowsy so I could fall asleep at night. Even if that meant taking a bottle a night. It went on for three years, on and off. This was during my senior year of high school and my first couple years of college. It was one of the many ways I self-harmed and dealt with emotions that I could not handle. However, I managed to stop. I lost all my friends who refused to talk to me. I had the police called on me on multiple occasions, and even my mom found out. I stopped cold turkey when my lonliness out-weighed my desperation for these drugs. That was over two years ago. Today, I suffer with liver damage. It was discovered during an ER visit while I was still coping with my addiction. It showed up on my blood work, and I instantly knew why, but the doctor dismissed it since I was there for other reasons and thankfully it was overlooked. My main problem that presists today, is that I can no longer take any sort of medication without vomiting. All it takes to make me sick is smelling it. My brain instantly associates the smell of medicine to the sickness I would feel every time I took it. This is literally every single type of medication out there. Pills, liquid form, and chewables. If I'm lucky enough to swallow it after ten minutes I am vomiting. Thankfully, I have not needed an antibiotic for any reason since this problem began, but I know the day is coming when I will need to take something and I cannot. For this reason I no longer take any medication for mental illness when I am strongly advised to do so. I have been fighting this unmedicated which makes it hard for me to maintain going to therapy. Thus, I get no where. All of this coming back to that addiction. The aftermath is challenging, and at times I feel like I want to relapse or resort to other measures (I had a cross addiction with pills and cutting). Yet, despite all of this I am in a much better spot now that I have stopped for two years, and my friends are back by my side every step of the way. Have any of you had similar experiences? How did you deal with them?
  18. I live with my ex boyfriend since I'm trying to save money to move out. I sometimes (twice a month) go on a day long binge of soda, he sometimes participates. When I use all by myself I'm quiet, watching T.V. or on my computer. He will then go into a long rant calling me every bad name I can think of. It brings me to tears and worries me. Do I deserve this kind of treatment?
  19. Where do I begin. What do I say without losing your attention. Why is it hot in this hand basket? Lets cliff notes the beginning: (uggh, I just finished and realized I typed the first chapter of a novel) Bad childhood, bullied at school, struggled with weight all my life, came out at 18. 14 year abusive relationship (Emotional and psychological as well as he cheated the entire time) 4 years ago had gastric bypass surgery and lost 250+ lbs 3 years ago condo was robbed twice in a 6 month time span & 12 y/o dog died in my arms 2 years ago spent 9 months watching as my best friend died of cancer 19 months ago filed chapter 13 to save my condo 17 months ago ended the 14 years of abuse 1 year ago felt like I was on top of the world. Met someone who changed my life and gave me back my self esteem and made me feel like I was worthy of love. I thought he was "the one" 9 months ago it got too "real" for him and he left me for someone he met on Second life (In turn plummeting me further down the spiral than I've ever gone before 5 months ago lost my mom to cancer 10 days ago turned 37 So there's my backstory I've been seeing a therapist since Jan of last year when I finally found the courage to end the relationship. ( I had 4 months left of school at the time and hadn't planned on doing it until after I graduated but when I found out he was cheating on me again I realized it was now or never. I spent the next few months juggling school and finalizing his move out. I still finished my bachelors in software engineering with a 3.97) After the summer relationship ended I REALLY started questioning my life. I questioned long and hard why everything in my life seemed to turn to shit. I read through several books including the infamous co--dependent no more books. I learned a lot about myself. I also remained friends... best friends... with the summer relationship guy. He actually told me in November he always loved me (even though he was still seeing the online guy) When my mom died I talked to my Psychologist and decided to see a Psychiatrist. It was then that she realized I had never been diagnosed with ADHD. She told me to look into that too. Finally found a Psych who had an open apt within a month. Everyone else was 3-4 months for new patients. I went over all my failed attempts with SSRIs over the years (Although in college Prozac and Welbutrin worked wonders for both Anxiety and Smoking Cessation) During the 14 year relationship I tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Buspar, 5-HTTP and all had bad side effects. We started with Doxepin and it was so so with getting me through the first 2 months after my mom died but it made me a sleeping zombie. We added Adderall to the mix and while it worked GREAT on my ADHD (60 mg a day) the sleeping issue remained. I stopped taking Doxepin and moved to Gabapentin to see if it would halt the OCD thoughts that lead to depression. No good. Last week I went in with a list of meds, the research I did, and the cost for each one's recommended dosage. I did not want to be put on a 300 a month script like Cymbalta. I narrowed it down to attempting Effexor or Remoran. Initially he was hesitant, but then highly agreed Effexor would be worth trying as it would combat my anxiety and also possibly give me a boost to make the Adderall more effective. Today is my transition day where I add a 2nd 37.5 mg to the morning 37.5 Effexor dose. The first day it made me a bit nauseous, but since they it honestly seems to be great. I know it's not suppose to kick in for a few weeks, but it actually gives me the warm fuzzies and seems to amplify my concentration. My big concern, the issue I hated with SSRIs, the sexual side effects. In those rare instances where I do get intimate with someone I seriously don't want it ruined. Seeing how the registration had me type in nipple clamps I'm assuming everyone here is pretty warped (if so then I might have found my new area of support) but given that I guess I can be frank and say that I'm on day 7 and I haven't had the anorgasmia issues. It seems like I have to focus a little more or tense myself up a little more than usual but the orgasm was enough that if I was holding on to the bedpost I'd have probably ripped it off. So that's where I stand. The past 5 months I've felt completely, what I would assume to be somewhat bipolar, where I have days of incredible happiness and then days where I just hate life, hate what has happened, and little voices saying "just end it all" (which I'm too strong of a person to succumb to... I just HATE the fact that it flashes in my head) I just want a sustained feeling of happiness. 14 years of abuse and I ALWAYS had my poker face on. I always found a reason to be happy. If I woke up on the green side of the grass I was HAPPY. Now... now I would kill to remember what it's like to be happy. I see the summer guy every week and I LOVE spending time with him. We are always on the same wave length. He honestly seems to be able to read my thoughts. It's this perfect symbiosis. Unfortunately it gets so intense that I revert back to thinking "why didn't it work, this is what I want, I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, I don't want to settle ever again" and then I get depressed. I refuse to write him out of my life. I can't afford to lose any more people from my life. I know it's probably a matter of "you get what you ask for" or "STFU, you're doing this to yourself" . Some days I feel like one of those Jerry Springer guests "I love my abusive husband". The summer guy is not abusive by any means. He's got a back story as messed up as mine and I'm certain has trust issues as well and is afraid I'm going to hurt him. I fully understand that and refuse to abandon him, especially since he always points out "I'm still here" and "Who knows what the future will bring" I will say this. I'm not putting my life on hold any more for him. I've wasted too much of it for other people. So... there's my introduction. If you've made it this far thank you. Like I said.. I think I just need some hand holding until I can get my stability back. I WILL find it!
  20. So....I relapsed about a week ago after approximately two months of sobriety. I have been seeing a Substance Abuse Counselor for almost three months now, with whom I decided to be sober for a period of time before attempting moderation management, which seemed like the best idea. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago I began moderation management, but not with a very black & white set of rules for myself to follow. I drank twice without blacking out, feeling the need to drink significantly more, and handled myself appropriately though I was somewhat visibly intoxicated. I didn't feel that these were set-backs but rather positive examples that I could probably start trying to moderate in social settings without being as afraid of what might happen as I had been beforehand. Well, Monday afternoon I flew with some colleagues of mine across the country for a work-sponsored conference set-up by the agency I work at, and had three drinks while waiting to board with my co-workers. They were all drinking before I arrived, so it felt natural to join them, especially since I didn't want to be on a 6-hour flight at all whatsoever. I was fine on the plane and didn't do anything that'd make me seem foolish or ignorantly intoxicated, and in fact felt much more comfortable than usual. I had a great conversation with a very kind flight attendant while we were delayed after boarding to take off, and also enjoyed a long discussion with a young woman sitting next to me. As a result of these instances, I felt like alcohol was no longer something I had to be as "careful" about than I thought before. When I arrived at the hotel, it was very early in the morning, so I simply slept for a bit and worked through the day. At the end of the night's work, I went to dinner with a couple of people I met there for the conference who were ordering many drinks over the course of our meal, so I felt like I had to keep up at the same pace. I ended up being very intoxicated by the end of the night, and proceded to go up to my room to go to sleep. I took a 10mg Ambien tablet as I usually do to help me fall asleep, which in retrospect was very very stupid. When I next woke up in the morning, my coworkers were at the door and I let them in. Apparently, after taking the Ambien, I went downstairs for a cigarette and ended up freaking out the concierge because I was asking about the food order for the following day's breakfast for the conference. They were uncomfortable with me because I was intoxicated, and called my superior to take me to my room. I had no recollection of any of what occurred after taking the ambien, so I wasn't hit as hard with the reality of the situation as I should've been. I apologized to the relevant parties, and continued to work through the day. Similarly to the previous night, I went to dinner with a few others who purchased 3 bottles of wine which was shared between 4 people. Obviously, we were all very drunk, but of course I was the one who tripped on the carpet as the hotel manager came over to see if I was alright. He was upset regarding my level of intoxication, which he didn't make very clear to me at the time, but apparently he did to my boss because the next morning I was told I'd be going home early to avoid any problems for the remainder. I understood the decision due to my behavior and the fact that I was representing the conference hosts, so therefore, even a small slip up is a large liability. I've apologized to just about every single person at my place of work, and have also had an in-depth conversation with our medical director in regards to my medication and treatment / diagnoses that played a part in the situation. She was very sympathetic because she knows how these situations can occur better than anybody else, so there was definitely a good amount of support there, and I didn't feel quite as ashamed as I did beforehand. Of course, though, I had two drinks while waiting for my flight back, but knew I couldn't go over that due to risk factors that had been demonstrated. In some ways, I wanted to do this just to show myself that I could in reality get two drinks, be fine, stop from getting more, and continue on with my day. It was in some ways reassuring but also made me more upset for not doing this in the days preceding, so I'm in an awkward position now. I will have to work out a better set of "rules" for my moderation management if I continue to go that way, which I likely will. Currently, I'm just trying to stay positive, and haven't had the urge to drink much. Sorry for such a long story, but I felt like I had to share.
  21. Hi all, Sorry for my English (not my mother tongue ). I know this is not a blog so I am sorry if my presentation gets to long; I'm trying to keep it short. I'm a 30 years old who started with alpripizol 0.5 mg just some days ago. Daughter, cousin and grandchild of schizophrenic people. I've never been on antipsychotics before. Just a short bio: neglected as a baby, sent to foster care, sent to distant family who mistreated me in many ways including sexual abuse, went back (lucky me!) to my mum (paranoid schizophrenia) when I was 8, got on anafranil and chlorazepate due to major depression (suicidal thoughts), left meds at 9 and survived until now (quite enjoying life and living with my mother, indeed). Well, I had the hard experience of losing my mother of cancer few months ago and started to feel depressed. Fortunately I know (or thought I knew) how to fight against it (running, friends, having a schedule on sleep and food)... but it is being hard to cope with this. So I went to my mother's psychiatrist (the guy that put me on anafranil 20 years ago; hadn't had pills ever since) and said "Hey, I'm feeling depressed and I may need some meds" and he said "Ok, but I rather think you should be on a low dose of alpripizol because of your schizoid traits". A psychologist diagnosed my with chronic PTSD some time ago: this is the first time a psychiatrist detects this schizoid personality disorder... and not my classical depressive issues nor my always present fear of being schizophrenic. So I can tell that I'm a little bit crazy, yes... and that crazy people (i.e. my mother) can be great, sustaining families and enjoy fullfilling lifes. I do not intend to mock anything with this 'crazy' term, I fully understand we deserve respect and dignity (we ought to respect others as well). So that was all... thank you very much for your attention!
  22. -The following may trigger- He is the smartest person I've ever met. He is also perhaps the most broken. I want to gather him into my arms and fix all his broken places. I want to protect him from anything that would cause him harm. Of course I realize there's no fixing him. He witnessed unspeekable violence under the age of 5. He was raped by his foster father throughout childhood. He was subjected to every form of abuse you could possibly imagine. Sometimes when I touch him, he flinches. Or I see him shaking. There's a scar on his stomach that makes chills go through me. I love him. I would take bullets for him. I'm letting him stay in my apartment with me for a while. I know he cares for me, the best he can. He is capable of more emotional cruelty than he realizes, however. I'm just not sure why I'm so attracted to him. Why I wanna fix him so bad even though I know full well this is not possible.
  23. My dad is emotionally abusive, my mom doesn't believe me when I tell her. He's always so angry....I'm such a failure for making him so angry. I tried to stand up for myself...he yelled. I shouldn't have said anything. He was right. I'm so stupid. I really want to cut myself. My arm hurts where it needs to be sliced open. I have the blades left over from when I cut before. It's summer, though, people will notice. But I need to cut. My dad never hurts me, so I need to hurt myself, so it stops circling around my brain.
  24. I'm Brittney. I turned 19 today, 3/21/2012. I don't like to be a downer, but often times I can be. I have severe PTSD due to extensive abuse through out my lifetime, I've seen my mother, sister, grandma, little brother, animals and friends be abused, and in the midst of it all I was being abused as well. I never realized it, and when it did I was in shock and couldn't pull myself out of it. I cut myself for three years, and now I have terrible ugly scars all up and down my legs. I've been abused mentally, physically and sexually. I've been abused by multiple people, "Friends", boyfriends, teachers, and mostly peers. I was left alone for a year when I was a child with my father, who was into hard drugs and drinking while his little girl sat in the living room by herself. He is straightening up...but the memory still hurts. (we all make mistakes, and I love my dad) I've always had a weight issue and still struggle with that, I get called fat often...and that has always stung. I saw my mother get severely abused as a child, even though I didn't live with her. She is skitzophranic and tried to kill my sister two weeks after I was born. I've been raped twice in my life by a boy I cared dearly about, he was my boyfriend and he was the sparkle in my eye for a while. I'm still not used to saying that I got raped...and it scares me. Because of all of the conflicting emotions I developed BPD. I am often one way one day and a totally different way the next. I cry a lot, I snap a lot, I smile a lot, I laugh a lot, I get angry easily, but I am very easy to make happy. I'm a big bipolar cycle in a day. I hate that about myself, I want to be happy and calm everyday. I pratice paganism to try to calm my nerves about things, meditate and look for the good things in life. It brings me comfort thinking I can and will do things for myself with a watchful eye on me...but not an invasive eye. (I don't want to get too into religion here) I am also OCD. I believe it is strictly because of the PTSD. I obsess over people, objects, and thoughts. I don't let people touch my things, and I do not let them go once I do. I try to hold on to good memories as much as humanly possible, because of all the pain I have seen and felt. I NEVER try to harm others, and often put their happiness before mine...which I am learning to let go of. I need to be happy for me. I am a variety of things, but most of all I am Brittney. I don't change for anyone but me. I feel I've been somewhat successful in learning who I am, what I need, and what I want. I am very dependant...so being Brittney is still a little scary, but I'm moving along. Thank you for reading <3 it means a lot to me.
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