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Found 11 results

  1. Ok, I am just curious, I am a 45 year old Mom, have been married for 20 years, have occasionally suffered from depression and anxiety in my life but not consistently. Also ADD, and take Adderall regularly. I had been on anti depressants for short spurts and occasionally anxiety meds as needed. I have never been suicidal or anything and never had a manic episode up until 40. At 40 I was on an Pristiq for about 9 months and decided to go off it cold turkey. I ended up having a manic episode within days and was forcibly hospitalized. The Dr's told me I was bipolar, gave me Depakote and Abilify and sent me home after a while. After being out of the hospital for a year I went off the Depakote and Abilify. I was still feeling a little depression so I started taking Lexapro about a year later I stopped, cold turkey again (brilliant, I know ;-) and had another manic episode and ended up back in the hospital. Doctor's again told me I was bipolar, didn't care that I had stopped anti depressants cold turkey, just handed me a rx for Depakote and Abilify and when I got home I stopped both. Just felt like I didn't belong on them and that they didn't help me. They made me feel crappy and I just didn't have a lot of faith in the Dr's honestly. I know I should go and explain the situation to another Dr. and get an opinion but I just have a lot of anxiety, and feel like most of them don't listen and pre judge. I am just wondering if anyone else has had a situation like this? I STILL don't believe I am bipolar and have not had another episode in 3 years. I stopped the Abilify and Depakote 3 years ago, so I am only on Adderall, which supposedly, from what I've read does cause Mania if you are bipolar and only on a stimulant) I still occasionally struggle with depression occasionally but am terrified to take an anti depressant. I guess I am just trying to see if anyone can relate.... Has anyone else been diagnosed with Bipolar (later in life) from mania, only after stopping an anti depressant? If so, are you still on anti depressants or mood stabilizers? Do you believe your diagnosis, have you been to other Dr's that agree or disagree with it? My husband keeps telling me to move on and realize it probably will never happen again, and was most likely from anti depressant withdrawal, but I feel like I need to know for sure, Is that even possible?? Thanks so much for reading, and for any responses.
  2. I just joined CB and I didn't really want to make a new thread to whine about myself but I guess I feel a bit scared out here on my own. I'm currently trying to complete my last semester of college, after already having to repeat a year. I'm only taking 1 class, but it's a constant struggle. I can't attend class and I got behind from the start and have yet to fully catch up. I was just diagnosed last year with BPNOS--BP1, with rapid cycling. I was on Lamictal for a bit fall/winter of 2013, but my dad lost his job so there went my insurance, and I just got it back this semester. Back then my BP had seemed quite manageable, but since October, I feel like I've been holding onto the side of a cliff by my fingernails, trying my best not to fall off. I refuse to not graduate this year, though, because I've come so far, and I'm not repeating another year. I either finish this semester or I don't graduate. This semester, I've gotten back on the Lamictal along with Seroquel, and we've slowly been raising both, but I have yet to feel a difference. In fact, as the semester has progressed, I've felt all the more unstable. I feel like maybe I could benefit from IP, if anything to get the medications in order, but I remain firm on my decision to see the semester through to the end. At this point, there are just 6 weeks left. I guess, I just want to know that I'm not the only one trying to hold it together like a car that you can tell is falling apart but you're just praying will make it to the end of the road trip xD
  3. At times I can be walking around or whatever and I feel like I'm transforming, I feel this incredible, intoxicating energy, and I feel like I'm becoming a demon, or specifically a kitsune because I've always related to them. I can practically feel the claws and fangs growing. I walk around and I imagine how with such a power, such claws, I could easily kill these puny stupid humans, and I imagine cutting/stabbing them with my razor sharp claws, biting them, essentially, going feral and attacking the heck out of everyone. It's so much fun that it's hard to keep from leering at everyone. I'm grateful for the sunglasses on my face so they can't see my eyes, so bright and murderous. I understand that I'm not actually a demon, and I wouldn't actually kill anyone, but I get so pissed at people that you know you just want to kill someone, so at that time it's like so releasing and intoxicating. If it happens at night I feel like the moon is making me transform and it's like lending me its power and I just want to run and act crazy because it's night, the night air is alive with energy and everything has transformed under the light of the moon and is alive and free How about you?
  4. i'm gonna try to say this as concisely as i can because my journey with mental illness has been a long one (even though i'm only 19 lol) (omg i'm now reading over this as i'm writing and this is basically my life story in a nutshell please bare with me!!!) as a very young child, i was very happy but extremely hyperactive. once i started school, i started exhibiting clear signs of mental illness - the hyperactivity persisted, along with tantrums, angry outbursts, impulse control issues, and general unhappiness. (also, funny story, for some reason cravings for carbs are a sign of childhood bipolar and i was also a complete hound for pasta). ages 8-9, i started getting in shouting matches with my teachers in the middle of class. i also was disliked by a lot of my peers (if that means anything). i ended up switching schools because i was so unhappy, and i had a much better time ages 10-11 because i was at a school that i liked and had a few good friends. of course, i still had my ups and downs. the first year of middle school wasn't too bad, but once i hit 7th grade, i went completely nuts. again, i started getting in verbal fights with teachers. i would pick fights with authority figures left and right, and got myself suspended several times (including posting on myspace that the dean of my school "must die"). i completely could not control my actions. this is around the time my mom decided i should get checked out by a psychiatrist again - she had been taking me every now and then when i was a younger kid, and it was thought that i had ADHD (i still think i have that). at 14, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ages 13-14, i had mostly crashed from that episode, and i was extremely depressed and suicidal. i also had a very tumultuous relationship with my father at this time and would get in huge verbal and sometimes physical fights with him. during this time i would occasionally have weird, brief outbursts of excitement and hyperactivity (usually lasting a few hours and then i'd go back to being depressed). when i started high school (14-15) i started doing a lot of drugs. this phase lasted most of the school year, until i had a huge blowout with my group of friends and they stopped talking to me. i suddenly got so depressed that i could not get out of bed. i stopped going to school for the last month or so of the school year. this could definitely have been influenced by my use of ecstasy, which i believe had a very negative effect on my mental health. either way it was the most "textbook depressive episode" i had had yet. in 10th grade, i had a few consistent friends, and i had my first romantic relationship. i don't consider it too bad of a year, although i was hospitalized for the first time (my mom called the police on me and i was taken away in handcuffs, quite traumatizing lol). at the end of the year, i was sent away by my parents to a residential treatment center in the middle of nowhere. when i got there i was extremely angry, yelling and screaming at everyone, and had plans to run away. this lasted about a month until i realized i wasn't gonna get out unless i was compliant. at the RTC, i began taking medication consistently for the first time. i believe the RTC helped me with behavioral issues, but not psychiatric ones. at 17 years old, i came back home, was happy for about a month from the excitement of finally being in the outside world, and then became extremely depressed again. this depressive episode has still not ended, and it's been 2 and a half years. i'm suicidal nearly every day, and it's terrible etc. anyway, i was wondering if this truly sounds like the bipolar experience to you guys. i'm having doubts about my diagnosis because none of the typical bipolar medications that i try have been working (i.e. lithium, lamictal, etc). also, when people talk about mania, they always talk about it being this super happy experience where they feel elated and on top of the world and stuff, whereas my experiences that i have thought to be mania are periods of intense, uncontrollable anger and adrenaline rush where it seems that i can't control my actions or the words that come out of my mouth. does this sound like bipolar to you???? wowww this is long, i'm so sorry if you actually read this hahaha
  5. There are so many conflicting reports regarding whether or not BP gets worse as we age. I like to be prepared, which is why i usually need to look under every rock and hard place, no matter how scary it gets. Does anyone know about BP and growing older ? Anyone in the group who is experiencing BP as they're growing old ?
  6. this sucks so bad. I was invited to visit my parents for my mothers bday. going there involves a 3 hour car ride w my younger sister. this is difficult since she is a lawyer and really successful. i first said yes,then no. it's this kind of behavior they hate. I freeze thinking about conversation and appearance . I get so nervous in others company sometimes. maybe this was a bad idea to post but I feel super guilty. they understand and all,it's ok,I do most of my family "obligations",but not this weekend. ok,have a great weekend,everyone!
  7. i am probably jumping the gun with this. please humour me anyway. i'm feeling anxious about what's happening with me lately. i've probably said it a million times here already, that i've developed hallucinations that have so far persisted for the last 9-10 months. for the first few months i thought the auditory hallucinations were real. i know now that they're not, just like i can figure out that the shadow animals and the raindrops i can feel falling on me aren't real. i didn't tell pdoc or tdoc until about a month ago. the idea that someone is going to tell me i'm making it up is a huge fear for me even if i'm talking about having the flu. it's happened so many times in my life, beginning in childhood, that not being believed is probably my biggest trigger. now that they know, i'm back to taking an AAP (in the past i've used them as mood stabilizers and short term relief from mixed states). zyprexa should take care of the hallucinations, i'm told. which makes sense. but pdoc mentioned at the end of my appointment that if that doesn't work, she wants to physically have my head examined. that's scarier than being told i'm psychotic in some way. i've only been on z for a week but i swear it is WORSE. louder, more persistent, and driving me UP THE FUCKING WALL. it gets hard to concentrate. sometimes i can't hear people or the tv because the hallucination is too loud. none of this seems to have a mood component. so maybe z just isn't working YET. maybe i need to take more (i'm on a small dose because i've suddenly developed a lack of tolerance to anything sedating). either of those things would probably ease my anxiety about it. but i can't stop thinking of (a)if it does work, what does that mean? what happens with my dx?, and (b) what happens if it doesn't work at all, and in fact really IS making this worse? i told you i might be jumping the gun. doesn't matter, i'm still afraid of what is unknown territory for me. i've only ever had hallucinations during severe mixed states before. and it wasn't like this. and they didn't last. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand she finally gets to the question in the title... what events/symptoms led you to have your dx changed to BP+ psychotic features, or schizoaffective features? has anyone here been BP for a long time, then developed these kinds of symptoms? thanks for humouring me. i just need someone to say something that will stop me from worrying about this i think.
  8. it seems like there's lots of talk lately about hallucinations, so here's my post. (clarifying that although i do have DDNOS and frequently hear the voices of my others, they are very recognizable to me and not unusual at all - the following questions have more to do with possible BP symptoms). i'm not the type to see or hear things that aren't there. when we were processing trauma (PTSD, now under control), it wasn't unusual. but that was years ago. that they were visual hallucinations was very clear, like a tree appearing in the living room. it only took a few seconds to realize there was no tree there. i'm having a hard time with an increasing number of "little" auditory and visual stuff. i say little because it's not scary and not as big as a tree. but it's troubling me nonetheless. that thing where you think you see small animals out of the corner of your eye... that's a normal thing i know. but for the last few months it's almost constant. there are little black mice/rats everywhere (the last of my rats died a few months ago, and he was white). there's a shadowy dog that walks by a few times a day (i have no dog, and it's bigger than my cat). these animals don't scare me, there's nothing menacing about them. sometimes i hear my name being called, or a male voice saying unintelligible things in the next room, or right outside my doorway. again, not so abnormal really. except for the volume and frequency of these voices. i get up to look outside my door several times a day to see if there's someone talking out there. there never is. this also doesn't scare me. the weirdest one is that i hear bagpipes. ever since we moved into this apartment six months ago, i have heard bagpipes playing the same song over and over (amazing grace of all things... i'm not even religious at ALL). i was SO sure (and i still sort of believe) that this song was coming from upstairs - i awoke to hear it every morning for months, so loudly, that i told my mother about it, because i thought it was a funny thing for my neighbours to be playing every morning. my husband overheard me telling my mother this, and said "um, there are no bagpipes coming from up there, what are you talking about?". i KNOW i hear them. i thought maybe he was the crazy one, so i asked my neighbours. they laughed and said no, they don't play bagpipes and they don't hear them. the bagpipes aren't as loud as they were for a couple of months, but i still hear them throughout the day. over and over. i do have tinnitus, so sometimes the ringing in my ears drowns out other sounds. but my brain/ears have never invented sounds to accompany the ringing. nothing in my life is any different than it was when this started. i'm not under any real stress, i'm not working, the bills are paid, i have a good treatment team, my family is doing well. i don't feel any other changes to my usual BP symptoms. i've been pretty majorly depressed for the better part of a year now. my anxiety is as high as usual. about six months ago i stopped taking seroquel and clonazepam, and had my lithium reduced (my thyroid is whacked and i can't handle anything remotely sedative until that gets fixed). i can't explain why this is happening. has anyone who is BP (without a schiz dx) had these sorts of hallucinations? is this within the realm of normal? my beloved pdoc is off on maternity leave until this fall, and i am loathe to tell her replacement (whom i haven't met yet) about this unless it's REALLY abnormal. my treatment plan is already so fucked up because of the thyroid issue, it's hard enough to parse what's hormonal and what's MI right now. ideas? experience? thanks if you can share any at all.
  9. i don't know if this should be here or in the BP forum. i'm supposing it could apply to folks with depression and/or anxiety too. all my life i've loved music. i grew up listening to my parents very loud stereo (mostly disco and classic rock, that betrays my age). when i left home i carried on the same tradition. my daughter grew up listening to grunge, industrial, and rap (again louder than it probably should have been). now she does the same (good thing she has no kids yet, god forbid one of them should grow up to dubstep heh - there's more cussing in that that gangsta rap!). for my whole family, music has been a mood stabilizer. music is for when you either need your mood to be reflected back to you, or when you really need to change your mood NOW (like stop being angry or sad or tired and be HAPPY and energetic instead). i'm the kind of person who couldn't even go to the corner store without headphones on. when went to the crazyhouse last year, i couldn't listen to music. i thought i was just so depressed i just didn't want to hear it. then i was released a month later. i tried to put some happy music on. it sounded like SIRENS in my head. i tried every kind of music i could think of, with the same result. after two minutes i'd be covering my ears and crying because i couldn't take the noise (even at low volume). i cried about losing music. it was like losing my oldest friend. i had to tell people wherever i went that if i could hear their music i would probably cry and have to leave, that it wasn't their fault. so embarassing. but it was THAT bad, and i couldn't stop it. it took about six months, and i slowly became able to tolerate music. softly at first, and now three months later i'm pretty good with all of it again. turns out i still like the same music as i did before. has anybody else ever lost their ability to listen to music? i could hear any other loud sounds, like the tv, and that was just annoying as usual. i mean just music specifically, regardless of genre or volume. i still don't understand, and it's one of the scariest symptoms i've ever had. losing that coping skill was a big deal and i honestly believe my recovery was a lot slower because of it. pdoc and tdoc have no answer. i can't be a special snowflake, there has to be others like this. please? i'm getting close to yearly episode time and i don't want to go through that again, especially not knowing why or what's happening to me .
  10. Hi! I'm really glad that I found this site. My current diagnoses are BP I, BPD, and ED-NOS. Those labels have changed throughout the years, but I believe these diagnoses describe me the best. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 18, following my dad's nervous breakdown the previous year (he was dxed with bp II). This last year I was able to get A LOT of DBT and that helped my BPD enormously. Although I'm not taking my medication regularly, I'm doing really well. I've been hospitalized about a million times and I've been on most of the meds (or so I've been told). As for that disclaimer I see people giving: I am not a doctor... but when I'm delusional I start planning my path to med school. That should count for something, right?
  11. I was looking up some stuff for my lorazepam and I came across a board on here. Really a cool place. I don't really do big introductions. I'm Kathryn, 23, mom, hair stylist. I live with severe ADD and anxiety and BP. I guess my main concern that I've been struggling with, the past couple years since I've had my twins especially, is realizing that I am 23 years old and that I will be taking these medications for.....80 more years? I am chemically dependent 110%, and the meds DO work, but i guess I just feel trapped by them? For example: I take 70mg Vyvanse, 100mg Lamictal, 1mg Lorazepam 2x a day or as needed. I never go without my Lamictal. But yesterday I didn't take my Vyvanse or Lorazepam. I do that once in a great while to see how it is, because I've forgotten how I feel without. And holy shit. I've never had it be this bad before. I mean, I woke up at 6am this morning and before I opened my eyes I told my boyfriend I might vomit on him. Waves of nausea so badly all morning and headaches until I took my first dose of Lorazepam and instantly I was better. But I still feel so down/depressed/dull all day today and even now at 12:22am. Just one of those days where you realize how "addicted" you are to your medication Anyways, Hi. I'm here.
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