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Found 26 results

  1. I feel it is my ultimate goal to depersonalize once and for all my life was a living hell until 18 when I hade a life changing drug experience and realized I was fucked up next day I was setting up a visit to the psychiatrist I am very introspective and realized what I hade better than ay outside source could tell me I hade bpd mixed with a family history of bipolar ouch now imagine the most emotionally sensitive and vengeful woman on steroids and lock her in your head the mind can only take so many temper tantrums before it pulls the old 1930's era divorce from its self which it did I am terrible driving a car almost maimed my family one time they had me drive on the highway big mistake also had 5 or six really close calls I zone out in the car while driving I am constantly almost rear ending people also I have what is considered the thousand yard stare if we are standing 3 ft. away I can split you into two like double vision here come the question have you hade similar experiences and what drugs help you and what drugs make your dp worse also can you think clearly while you are dissociated how much do emotions factor in on your decision makeing process
  2. So, I don't know if I've talked about this on the boards before, but I have something known as OSDD-1b. That's a diagnosis that is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, except that I don't have amnesia when I switch between different alters, or parts as I call them. Anyways, this is not about my OSDD-1b diagnosis, but rather about a part that I have who happens to have the worst case of OCD that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. The part that I'm going to be talking about is a part that feels a very strong connection to Christianity. Basically, with her, I discovered something that's very depressing. I am a woman of color. That's something that I've learned to become proud of over the years, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking that I was ugly because I wasn't lighter skinned and didn't look "white". It took a lot of years to undo that kind of thinking, but now that I got to know my Christian part a little bit more, it looks like she took the message that I was ugly and ran with it. According to her, I am ugly because I am not white and don't have blonde hair or even maybe orange hair, and that is absolutely heartbreaking. And what's worse is I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if maybe she's right? Again, it took so long for me to overcome this kind of thinking, but maybe she's an indicator that I never fully got over thinking that way? If I listen to her for too long, I realize that I start to internalize those toxic messages again. So that's not good. Another thing that I've realized is that the Christian part that I have is incredibly obsessed with being "good enough" to get into Heaven. And, according to her, she will never be good enough to get into Heaven, no matter how hard she tries. So the fact that she keeps trying to convert everyone of my personality parts is kind of pointless since it won't bring her any peace. Logically, she kind of gets that, but she keeps trying anyways. And the thing is, when we indulge her or even entertain the idea that we might become Christian, she then gets incredibly scrupulous when it comes to her worship. That is to say, she has to follow everything to the T with no exceptions. Otherwise, that means she's a bad person, soiled, dirty, or defective in some way. And people who are spiritually defective don't belong in Heaven, at least according to her disordered way of thinking. I think she is plagued by these thoughts to a point where it's unhealthy and she needs help. But how would I even begin to help her? Talking sense into her does nothing except make her defensive, if she listens at all and doesn't simply tune out my voice. I feel bad for her, but I also feel pretty bad for myself too. You don't know how much her thinking messes with me. It's incredibly toxic and destructive. And I just hope this doesn't set me back miles in my recovery process. And before I end this post, I want to say that I don't think Christianity is a bad religion or only for white people or anything like that. In fact, I think Christianity is a beautiful religion and one that I might have considered joining if it worked for me and if it weren't for the massive level of OCD that this part of me happens to have surrounding this particular religion.
  3. Bonjour y'all. I feel like I know y'all a bit - long time lurker. I just wanna say that I have used this site to help me research and kinda navigate my way through the blissful path of personal awareness in my journey through crazyland. I have been very thankful to find great resources and opinions here. So, into the breach of introductions... I am a 32 y/o lady hailing from the great and dirtiest South, Louisiana. I've been a healer for over half my life, and a massage therapist for over a decade. I'm a (veerrry) small business owner working from home So that I can also care for my two magnificent children, one of whom is a tri-lingual, fencing super-nerd and the youngest of whom is the closest thing to a literal angel that I will ever know. I know.. Im biased but I don't lie! My youngest (5) is also a soldier in the battle against unwonted, rare disease called Mitochondrial Complex III Deficiency. She is not expected to survive adolescence. I share this information to promote awareness of her affliction and to give some glimpse into the muti-faceted gem of shit luck that contributes greatly to my episodes of mental illness exacerbations. Diagnosed borderline, major depressive disorder, schizoaffectve with just a dash of PTSD and DID to keep it fun. I did not seek help until the peak of my schizoaffective emergence, during which I attempted twice within a year. I've been off and on the pharmacopia and onlythis year did I see a counselor. Now, because I'm swimming in medical bills for prescription meds, supplements (that insurance sure as shit won't cover), shitty cars, doctors appointments, genetic tests....yeah, I'm broke as fuck and I am on Medicaid. The great state of Louisiana is kind of a clusterfuck of bad doctors, limited mental health resources, and waiting lists that last over 6 months....so my mental health options are severly restricted. So I'm finally deciding to say hi to all of you in the hopes that we can aquaint ourselves and, hopefully, I can find some sense of community because no one in Jesus country is really open to talking about mental illness unless its to call MI the side-effect of demonic possession. So howdy y'all!
  4. Edited: I didn't mean to post "first" version.. . I am not diagnosed did. Just wondering whether or not it should be on my radar or if this sounds anything like what you guys go through. If I'm onto something, or I'm being stupid. I used to practice my handwriting when I was in school to make it cooler/neater, whatever. Nowadays, I find that my writing DRASTICALLY changes, sometimes not for days, sometimes in the same sentence, or word even. They are very distinctive; a girly print, big letters no slant// a sort of creative print slants left// scribble scrabble, and lately a really beautiful cursive slanting right.//sometimes, a mix. Most times, it happens automatically, sometimes I can switch it mindfully.. I include this b/c I know handwriting can say alot about your personality. I misplace/forget things ALL THE TIME> i am not at the age where it's normal to be forgetting stuff like this. I'll remember for a FACT where I put something, and behold, it's not there! Sometimes, it's in a more convenient location (ie;keys by door), but i have also found my open drink in the cupboard. ( I forget people's names, and sometimes people who are close to me seem completely foreign(or new). I forget why I'm in a room, what I'm doing, (I know that's not really abnormal, but it happens frequently enough to be frustrating and interfere w/ my timing). I dissociate alot. sometimes seems cartoony. Esp when I'm driving. (Car-toony) and esp on the freeway. (maybe bc of anxiety?) used to be able to snap out of it, but now I feel like I can't. I don't "go out of body" though I have once, (but the situation was fitting) i used to feel alot like I was going to "fall out of my body" My mind changes frequently, and intensely. I have several almost polar opposite beliefs/ views (well 2 polar opposite). And it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me to make any kind of decision. Usually, I opt that something in the middle would be best, like a compromise, but it's like I never actually do that, BC I change my thought again. Basically, I can not "mull it over" I have to take immediate action if I ever want to do anything, though most of the time I come to the "conclusion" that i'd be best if I "mull it over." Awhile ago, I used to have horrible "fights w myself" basically at the time it felt like my hemispheres were seperate in their thinking, and kept proving the other side wrong, and displaying thier own correctness until i thought one side was true, then the other would say "but--something something something" & do the same thing. and so on and so forth. back n forth. ONE time, I had smoked weed and "saw" people in my head that were "making me say their words." I would go back n forth (as a kid) from being "good", to being "bad". (These periods would last long though.) i was sort of obsessed w/ morals, and being especially afraid of breaking them (whether or not i was conscious of it.(in other words, fear of lose of control over myself and doing something bad.) Not sure if that does anything, sorry if I am being a wimp here or what, I wanted to get real opinions from people who truly do deal w did or connecting factors. Thankyou for reading if you're down here, I would really like to hear (read) any feedback at all.
  5. Call me Sage. He/him pronouns, please. I'm an obnoxiously pseudo-intellectual 15-year-old with a deep appreciation for ironic humor and old cliche emo music. I front a DID multiple system, sometimes with the assistance of our primary, E. There are 4 others who are "real" besides us (Blythe, Bridget, Delaney, and Stella) but they're younger and have a much lower predisposition to coming to the front. We also have one rather interesting and isolative yet generally benevolent introject as well as some not-so-chill ones, and some unidentified floaters that may be fragments. I'm most likely the one you'll get to know, though. As an aside, we also have between us diagnoses of PTSD, anorexia nervosa, major depression, gender dysphoria, OCD, and unspecified personality disorder. We're currently on a transdermal MAOI and see an old and slightly creepy guy once a week for gushy, unhelpful therapy. We went to real treatment for the first time in 2013; since then we've accrued an embarrassingly long paper trail of inpatient and residential admissions. Blythe handled the first couple years, but I took over in 2015. Everyone in the family sucks except the cat, and everyone hates us (said the stereotypical teenager). That's about the sum of it. Catch you on the flip side, CB
  6. so lately i've been dissociating all the time and there would be times when i'm so out of control of my body and my mind just goes blank like someone is taking over but i don't know who it makes me sick to my stomach and its really terrifying i don't know how i'm going to cope especially when school starts in a few days...
  7. I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.
  8. Hi everyone, I/we just joined up because.. Eh. Needing support/people who relate and such. Social media's alright, but the privacy is always wonky and the ability to compartmentalise isn't so great. Forums/IRC are better for this kinda thing, I think. Anyway, yeah. Barrel of raccoons, etc. We have a long list of things, most diagnosed, some not (some by choice.. I don't want DID going anywhere near my medical record. :x). I keep thinking I've processed my abuse stuff and then discovering yet another delicious core of it under the next layer. Heh. My resolution this year at least is to not end up like 2015.. Too many near misses on suicide (we suck at it, it turns out), too much.. Retreating back indoors, not doing anything, not going anywhere.. Barely creating like we used to. So, yeah. I want to change. However, treatment-resistance is a pain on that front (in the 'my brain chemistry gives no fucks for your puny pills' sense, rather than 'my doctor thinks I talk back too much and all I got was this crappy diagnosis' sense). I took about 15-20 variations on antidepressants before throwing the towel in at hardcore-MAOIs (having to give up ADD meds, painkillers and basically-eating? Nah.). Anyway, pluralwise there's four of us. We'll probably all stick our noses in here once in a while. I'm Whisper. There's also Wynn, Tri and Felix. We're fairly recently plural.. Had a breakdown last year and that did it, I think. Also; * Autistic * ADD * C-PTSD (not diagnosed yet but plain as day) * General Anxiety Stuff that includes panic attacks, OCD symptoms, social anxiety. * Chronic Pain from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome * Depression-Dysthemia (Chronic/Severe/Treatment Resistant) * Oh, we get psychogenic seizures, too. Trying not to be embarrassed about that. Er. Anyway. Hi.
  9. Hi all! First time posting and I'm new to the site. I have struggled for large stretches of my life with depression, anxiety, self-harm, trichotillomania (chronic hair pulling-out) etc. In the past couple years I've found an amazing therapist and gotten on Zoloft for depression and Buspar for anxiety. I have a wonderful Spouse, a great job (despite a rough boss,) and a stable home with adorable pets. Overall life is pretty good these days. I have around 10 alters. Some have come out of nowhere, some have splintered off from other alters over time. They all basically have jobs: protection, regression, self-soothing, order, fun, sex, etc. I have some lost time and amnesia but overall we're all pretty co-conscious these days, sharing experiences and memories. Mostly. I think I'm getting to a point in therapy where I am about to figure out some of the root cause of the DID. I know I was sexually assaulted by another kid (a bully/"friend") at least once when very young, but I don't think I was every assaulted by an adult when I was a child. But my parents moved me and my siblings around A LOT. Like 25 times before I was 16. All over the world. Hotels, relatives' homes, friend's apartments, etc. Could this lack of consistency, home country, and sense of "home" in general ...BE the root cause for my apparent DID? Could this continued and forced reinvention of identity be the cause of my DID? I don't have an official diagnosis yet due to going to a free clinic, because insurance reasons. But my therapist has said, "unofficially," that I do seem to have DID, and we talk about it all the time. Did any of you who have DID develop it without a "clear childhood trauma?"
  10. Idk I was diagnosed with DDNOS before the last DSM book (I don't know what it's called now) because I exhibit traits of all the dissociative disorders at once? Like I hear voices but they're inside my head and some are only outside my head but those are the ones that just call my birth name and whisper behind my back. But one of my inside voices is a mean ass motherfucker who likes to comment on people's appearance and race and he's just a terrible terrible person. And sometimes when I dissociate it feels like I'm detached from my body entirely and somebody else is filling my husk and taking over Is that what switching is like?? I do have small gaps in memory but I'm aware of what's happening? It's like I'm running on autopilot or with someone behind the wheel that's not myself That sort of stuff still happens, but for the most part my voices have gotten very quiet/muffled since I changed my medication but I'm not sure what that means There's more stuff that's happened my whole life but I figured I would post the gist of what's been happening in the past few years If I could ask the system hosts on here: What does switching feel like? How did you first know you had alters? How did you first get in touch with them/get to know them in your head? Any feedback would be appreciated!
  11. So I often find myself forgetting things like what year it is. My parents also told me that I also often take up "roles" of various identities, and forget all the biographic information about myself. However, I always remember my name, date of birth, and so on, and never assume it to be different. Does this sound like something dissociative? Or could it be organic? Or something completely different? I'm also severely derealized/depersonalized most of the time, although it got better. The depersonaization was very bad when I was a child, though, as I was under very severe stress due to things like frequent separation, immigration, etc. What should I tell my psychiatrist? Which symptoms are the most crucial? What else should I look for and tell my psychiatrist?
  12. When I started derealizing last year, I had an impulse to buy cigarettes for the first time, and idk if it was the placebo affect, but I found that they helped ground me a bit. I started derealizing again recently and tried smoking them again and found that they helped a bit. It's funny because when you smoke them they make you sort of dizzy and you're stumbling...but they're also a stimulant I was just wondering if other people find that they have helped or made it worse?
  13. (i really hope i'm posting this in the right place. i'm new here, i'm sorry) to get right to the point, i've been officially diagnosed with DID. i have one alter. i've been living with the disorder for about 11 years since i was sexually abused as a child, and i became aware of the condition about 3 years ago. since then my alter and i have been coexisting quite peacefully until recently when she ran away from our home for 10 days (i'm a minor btw, so naturally this caused some serious chaos). we've gone back to coexisting but i am beginning to feel so incredibly alone in the world because of my situation. i want very badly to talk to somebody, anybody, who can relate and understand -- this place seems very non-judgmental and generally more sensitive to the things most people don't seem comfortable having brought up and talked about. i'd be happy to be a friend to anyone here.
  14. Hey y'all! I'm from the south as you can tell, and all kinds of crazy. I've been diagnosed with a list of disorders from different professionals including pd, ptsd, gad, and mdd. The newest (and I think the one that is going to stick) is DID. Have a great tdoc and pdoc. The pdoc is trying new meds with me, if been on crazy high doses of zoloft and clonopin for the longest time, and isn't helping too much with the crazy anxiety and depression. She is having me try saphris, which I took last night and it was HELL ,with all the restless legs crap, but too drunk to even sit up. I finally fell asleep after a clonpin, and I feel great this morning! She said if saphris didn't work we could try zyprexa. What do you think? Find a way to deal with the crazy legs? Or try zyprexa? I've heard mixed reviews on both.
  15. Has anyone read this? I want to purchase it with a gift card I got for my birthday but I don't often have money for books so I want to make sure its worthwhile.
  16. Hi it's me again Recently I was told I have DID. Although I don't think I transition into my alter, I do lose concept of time. Sometimes I get really lucid dreams about killing people I'm close with. They come out of the blue. I'm not usually mad or upset with the person. I always wake up in a state of panic and I'm convinced it actually happened. Last time I called my boyfriend at 2am to check on him. I have never wanted to hurt anyone. I save spiders for crying out loud. This isn't like me but I can't trust myself. Could this be tied with DID? Or is this some new kind of insanity? It wouldn't bother me if the dreams weren't so realistic. Does this happen to anyone else?
  17. One of my professors this semester really grinds my gears. He's an English professor with a PhD in philosophy who thinks of himself as an expert in psychology. He frequently trails off and starts talking about things 100% unrelated to the course material or English as a subject itself, and today he had a lot to say. The first comment he made was the OCD was a "belief system disorder" in which people are superstitious about stuff so they develop routines (sometimes totally unrelated to the "belief"). What's more, sometimes they develop routines without knowing what the bad belief really is! I'm exasperated at this point but am too stunned/anxious to say anything, and then he goes on to say that he knew someone with OCD, an old girlfriend he had. He actually didn't know she had OCD until one day she was out with him and he noticed she had stopped and was retracing her steps. Now, once he figured out she had this condition, he let her know it was okay to not do these "routines" and that the "beliefs" weren't true. She was cured within a few days. At this point I wanted to punch him. So I stop him and try to politely correct him on the basics, OCD is an anxiety disorder, that he has no idea what OCD consists of and that it doesn't sound like his girlfriend would qualify for a diagnosis of OCD either because it's just not that simple to "cure" someone with this condition. So then he derails and starts talking about how the DSM doesn't really have good diagnostic criteria, the entries are too vague and very rarely do people fit the extreme prototypes described in there and most psychologists will diagnose people with different disorders, and where do we stop??????? Maybe she just had OCD traits BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?! HUH? Well, now I realize that he is a complete idiot and I just let his inane babble float on because I need to pass this course. To back up this example about the vague generalizations of the DSM, he started talking about how "multiple personalities" disorder emerged in the 80s and all of a sudden like 200 women were diagnosed with this condition by the same handful of doctors in the US and it was a total sham, whatever. I was trying to tune him out all the way. Then he started talking about fugue states for no apparent reason and how rarely do people fit a diagnosis for a fugue state because it's so "extreme." At one point he started talking about how tic disorders are really just will-power and self control disorders and that even though they're said to be involuntary, he thinks they're voluntary. Great stuff. I am so blessed to be in the class of this amazing genius prof who knows all the truths about psychology and diagnostics today and is probably a theoretical rocket scientist as well. But yeah. Needed to vent to others who would understand what a jerk this guy is.
  18. lately a couple of my headmates have been giving me a hard time for being butch. they think that I should be femme, or at least femmer. I adore femmes. they're gorgeous and wonderful. but it's just not me, it feels wrong when I attempt it. but Melody, Glory, and Lygoth (three of my multiple personalities) are giving me hell for my clothes, my hair, the way I walk and stand. I have no idea what to do.
  19. I saw thing on the internet (I know 'someone is WRONG on the INTERNET!!!') today about someone saying they had schizophrenia. This was followed by replies about how crazy they must be and jokes about how you'll still have yourselves. This was followed by 'Don't listen to them, they don't know what schizophrenia is and they're thinking of MPD/DID! Don't be upset because they are confusing it with a different thing. Don't worry about it, they mean DID anyway.' There was something about this, I've heard comments like this a lot, and just today it came across as saying 'Schizophrenia? You can live with that. That can be dealt with. DID? Oh woah, now you're fucked.' I have a friend who has been schizophrenic for a loooong time now, and I usually get annoyed on her behalf at these comments, but I took it personally today. Is this confusion a constant irritation? And... something else. Erm... Ok, I think I've forgotten the other thing.
  20. I'm trying to figure out if this is dissociative related or mania related. Last night I was thinking about my novels (the ones I wrote). I tracked down the file on one of them (unpublished) and could not remember the plot. Or names. At all. It was like reading a new book with only a vague sense that I had been there before. Has anyone ever experienced this? I wrote it just four years ago. Has anyone else gone back to something that was created in mania and not recognized it? I have co-consciousness with the Writer, so I was really surprised that she couldn't help me out last night. If it's dissociative, I guess I need to figure out who wrote it.
  21. Are there basic etiquette guidelines related to DID? I ask because, as a child, I had a good friend who had 3 alters. (Am I using the correct words? Sorry if not. At the time, no one really gave me words to use.) I was around 8 when I met them, and no one around us seemed to have any suggestions, so we developed our own system. I followed her lead. Either she'd tell me who I was talking to, or I'd ask. Her clothes and mannerisms changed, too, but two of the alters were just similar enough that I'd have to ask for clarification if she didn't tell me. Sometimes, though, this wouldn't go well. One alter in particular would get really upset if I asked who I was talking to, angry that I didn't recognize immediately. Now that I'm an adult, I want to be more informed. We did the best we could as kids with no real guidance, I think, but I wonder what I could've done better and how to do better in the future? Is it ok to ask who is speaking? What about pronouns? (I switched based on the preference of each alter, but when referring to her in a more general way, I was never sure. She used "she/her" more often, so I went with that.) Any other general guidelines or communication tips I should know? Thanks!
  22. hey everyone! first post, so sorry if i don't do something correct. i'm starting to accept i have DID, i've been in therapy for awhile for other reasons and i've finally started to accept this is true. we've had a few sessions where she helped me switch alters in her safety, and it scared me. a few people that know me well have said they've noticed my switches before. but just didn't understand it. anyways... i'm knees deep into therapy on this and its starting to become "real", and its scary. one of the latest things i've been doing is keeping a hand written journal. and the mood swings, hand writing changes, and pure sad emotions being spilled in ink over the paper is the final bit of proof that it is real. i've been having lots of memory issues, a history of delusions, and i'm bipolar as well. so its difficult to understand what is going on because each bipolar cycle i have to start over at understanding what is going on. i'm trying to get communication within the system. but i only seem to have major switches, and subconscious caused mood swings. i want communication but its just not happening. my therapist is able to talk to the young girl who is causing most of the pain due to her neglect growing up. but i still can't talk to her. i'm trying so hard, but it isn't happening. anyways, i hate i have no one to talk to. no one understands me on so many levels and when i've hinted at this, people pull away. sigh... ok. we all say hello. hopefully you will be able to meet everyone at some time. for now this is a start. i wil read some other posts soon. i just can't concentrate on anything right now. but i'm able to project my feelings outwards.
  23. Just finished this book...obviously the author painstakingly researched this book, but after the deaths of all involved. And I felt like she seriously doubted, not just Sybil's MPD diagnosis, but all DID diagnoses...interesting, but still pissed about her agenda of discounting all DID. Anyone else read it?
  24. Today has been a very... interesting day. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my previous dissociative, depersonalization and derealization episodes. Last night, I was doing some research on DID and came upon the fact that different alters can have different handwriting. This shocked me to my core. This is something I (we?) have been doing for a very long time. Drastic handwriting changes began happening when I was about 10, around the time of my first serious trauma. I already knew of one person inside my head-- Doris, the persecutor. I know what she looks like, and I know what she sounds like (she talks to me in my head all day, in fact she gets angry when I talk about her, and is telling me to delete all of this and not post it). But this morning, I started going through my old journals--specifically from around 2002-2007. What I found made me sick to my stomach. I spoke of myself in the third person consistently, I even made note that I seemed to have two personalities (2002). Then I began to compare handwriting, and there are around 4-5 distinct types of handwriting, each very different than the other. I started to take notes on the (assumed) alters' personalities. They are all very different people with very different beliefs, drives, and interests. I have identified 5 alters thus far (including Doris, the persecutor). Ida is a protector/defender and is always angry. She is very strong and tends to come to the front when I am arguing or very mad about something (I do not deal well with anger). She is the most active. Julie is excessively hypersexual, angry, and well-versed in both writing and reading poetry (I wish I could write the way Julie writes all the time). I believe she was out front (on and off) from August - November 2005, and then seemingly present for all of 2006. I believe she first came out around 2003. Unknown #1 is cruel, masochistic, and prone to self-harm. She has written extensively about hurting me, and refers to me as if I am another person. She never writes "I", she only writes "she" and "her". Unknown #2 seems to be my "inner child": severely depressed, frightened, lonely, and suicidal. In 2003, I remembered sexual trauma that had happened 2 years before. I had completely forgotten it had happened. And let me be clear: it did really happen, as I have confirmed with both my parents and the actual perpetrator that it did. In that journal entry, Ida is writing. It makes sense, I suppose, as she is my protector. Any time my heart was broken, someone made me mad, someone said something terrible to me... Ida wrote. Not me. I've had issues with dissociation and derealization for as long as I can remember. I also "space out" at least 10 times a day: I stare into space, thinking about nothing. I am never aware that I'm doing it. This can last from 10 seconds to several minutes. My partner can try to snap me out of it--sometimes it works, sometimes I have to "come to" on my own. I guess you could call these trances, because that's what they feel like. (Small note: These are not seizures. I am on a medication for my mood swings that doubles as an anti-epileptic). However, I don't "lose time'. I do have regular nightmares, and had very severe night terrors as a child. I still get them occasionally, but they are few and far between. Concentration is not a word in my vocabulary. I am extremely forgetful and misplace things often (for instance, this morning I found a box of frozen tacos in the cupboard, and I have no idea who did it. My partner says he did not, so I assume it was me, or one of me.) I guess I just wanted to share this, as it's scaring the damn shit out of me. Does anyone have any advice to add, or does anyone have any similar experiences?
  25. After doing anything risky (hooking up with someone, stealing, being under the influence, sneaking out, etc) I remember it and it seems like it didn't even happen to me, like I heard about it or read it in a book. Also, if I read about a character in a book, afterwards, I kind of "adopt" their traits and attempt to act like them or become them. I do that with people in real life too, taking on their opinions, actions, speaking patterns, style, everything. But I don't think I have DID because apparently the defining trait is having multiple personalities, and I don't (to my knowledge). Well, I kind of go into states where I act totally different at certain times, but I don't have multiple me's with different names and stories and whatnot. So...Anyone else feel that way? Does someone have to have multiple personalities to be dissociative?
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