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It goes without saying that everyone hates being depressed, it's the worst fucking feeling in the world...I was on Narcotics for so long that my body is still in shock from being off of them -- but I am in legit fucking pain. This is not detox pain, this is muscular shoulder/back pain, how I got on opiates in the first place -- using prescription strength acetaphetamine and IBUPROFEN for pain relief is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, very subtle relief. So I ride the roller coaster of mania/depression. Day to day, hour to hour. I suck it up, put on a smile, say whatever, I can deal, there are people out there whom are way worse off than me blah blah blah, I write about it to vent in my journal every day just to let it out. I realize nothing is going to take away my physical and mental pain like a Narcotic and I am having a hulluva time dealing with this. It's a rock and a hard place. Do things, keep busy, simple tasks can cause my muscular injuries to act up, then I feel like like whine ass for complaining. I am my own worse critic. My heavy moods bring my partner down, I feel like a jerk for feeling so blah, but it's like fuck I can't help it, I wish I was BETTER at hiding my true feelings all of the time. She has her own set of issues with pain from a medical condition but refuses to take narcotics, she doesn't like the way they make her feel, and she has PTSD about personal relationships and addicts. Am I an addict? Sure as shit...but in the sense of, well, instead of taking 2, I took 4, and at one point I was playing around with a very dangerous cocktail and I know I am lucky to be alive...did I ever knock over a pharmacy or steal to score? No. Did I ever buy it off the street? No. Was I ever an IV user? No...but it's all apples and oranges right? If you're an addict you're all lumped in to the same category. I have no desire what-so-ever to become that again. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to be Manic Depressive -- I refuse to rely on a life long happy pill, to me, the long term effects of anti depressants are ridiculous, one might argue that the long term effects of narco's are as well, which is valid, however, looking at the side effects of say Prozac VS a Perc 5 (for example) makes me wonder why they stopped prescribing Morphene to depressed people back in the day. I never took a narc that made me bleed out of my ass or gain 20lbs in a week, feel worse (suicidal thoughts/banging head of kitchen counter). Aren't you fucking with your brain/body just as much if not more by taking an anti-depressant or mood stabilizer? I couldn't function on some anti-psychotics I was prescribed in the past -- I became an emotionless zombie...couldn't live life, sorta like being depressed only you don't feel so your not sad, just so sedated sorta like being high, but not euphoric, just dumb. It all seems so hypocritical how one is justifiable but the other isn't (maybe this also depends on where you live and such) so I am nervous about seeing a PDOC these days. I am nervous about an alternative pain management clinic, cause guess what? I want it to stop now. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this shit -- Pain = Irritability. GO AWAY. The solution is simple. Yet so conflicting in my situation. I love when someone says they're taking Lortab for HEADACHES...I wanna come through the computer and smash their fucking skull, got a headache now??? I try to avoid triggers but they're everywhere. No escape. Feeling hopeless. Fake a smile. Stay calm. /vent