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Found 40 results

  1. I had no idea where to post this, so I posted it here; mods, please move it as you see fit. Does anyone else experience this? I feel this tugging sensation in my chest, this emptiness and loneliness, all the time. It's a physical sensation, very tangible... It sometimes makes me physically ill. I have to lay in bed for hours at times to recuperate from really bad "episodes" of it. I even feel it, at times, even when I'm around my very best of best of friends, who are actually closer than brothers to me. They are the only ones who can actually somewhat fill that void in my chest, but not always. I feel isolated and cut off in gatherings of groups of friends or family gatherings, like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't talk much because I feel almost like I'm not part of the group, even with aforementioned close friends there. It's so strange. I have occasionally experienced depersonalization in such situations, which is extremely uncomfortable and alarming, and has triggered panic attacks before, but that's not the reason for the post. My reason for this post is to ask if anyone else experiences this same constant tugging sensation in the chest, that constant reminder that "you're alone," the feeling of being alone, and this sort of feeling that "you'll always be alone in this world no matter what," even if you have the best friends in the world to accompany you in life...
  2. i have hated my dad for as long as i can remember. i hate him for many reasons. he has been verbally abusive towards me for my entire life, in the past he has denied that i have any mental illnesses, but now he does believe in them. however, he thinks i am the reason i have mental illnesses. i feel that i can not speak freely when i am around him. i have begun to have violent thoughts whenever i think about him.
  3. Anyone here around the age of 40 and feeling totally isolated because everyone else your age has kids/families? My 20's were so different - you have college, parties, going out, other singles at work to meet and it's still considered OK to live with your parents. Your 30's are a time where you still have opportunities to go out, meet new people, socialize in groups, but people begin to disperse... All of the sudden, when I hit about 37, i looked around and realized all of my friends were having the 2nd kid and they stopped going anywhere (away from their home or mommy groups). They moved far away in the suburbs and stopped replying to any of my emails. Does anyone here often worry about being old and alone? Parents getting old & having health issues. Your own declining health and no one around to check on you..to call or see you to make sure you are alive? Even though we spend alot of time at work, often people don't really socialize about anything personal, and then everyone goes home to families....I am starting to panic because my parents are both beginning to have severe health issues. I am very emotionally attached to them (they are the only people I have that really understand me, love me and try to help me right now) My parents are all I have. Who do you talk to other than your spouse? or maybe coworkers? I'm feeling increasingly isolated because everyone I know/meet over the age of 35 is having babies or adding to their tight family unit. And women with families & young kids do not socialize or spend time with people that do not have kids. It's like the "Haves" versus the "Have Nots" I guess I wouldn't care so much if I had a great career or engaging hobbies that I loved. I feel like more than anything I want a few people in my life (in real life) that really know me, understand me and can provide emotional support, maybe some genuine interaction and laughter once in awhile. Who do you have to count on? I can't seem to generate my own happiness for the life of me. Maybe I'm too needy?
  4. I'm not a expert. I only barely understand what's going on with me. Two concerning things have happened recently, and I'd like some input and info on how to handle this. 1) My 20 yo nephew went through a bad break up. First love, first heartbreak, that kind of bad. I feel like I was the only one who took him seriously. I guess I'm the only person in the family who remembers being 21 and crying til' ya' vomit. He tried to cut himself, but he's just not that guy. I talked to him for hours. I called him a couple of times every day. And every time he said he was depressed, I rolled my eyes and corrected him- he's dealing with grief. His was a temporary situation created by a traumatic change. His went away in 8 days. He was still sad, but healing. As hearts do. Now he's much better. 2) My best friend's 12 yo daughter has labeled herself depressed. My friend "Jane" monitors the google hangout "Anne" has with her friends. Anne and company have recently begun discussions regarding depression, ADHD, pansexuality, bisexuality, and identifying as agender and/or transgender. Anne calls herself pansexual, agender, and depressed. She's 12. I'm not trying to discredit her. She might identify as pansexual and agender. I don't think she really does, but I'm not entrenched in her personal life, and I wouldn't know how to immediately recognize those traits in a person. I do, however, firmly believe she does not have depression. Jane thinks she's 12 and freaking the fuck out like girls do. This kid isn't depressed. And not, you know, in the way that adults just ignore teen complaints. Not in the way people shrug things off. Jane and I are very good friends, and being able to live with, deal with, and identify mental illness symptoms plays a role in it. We're pretty sure these girls are just reaching for labels to find any way to identify with big concepts. They don't have sex lives. Their bodies and minds are trying to pick a direction. It seems like Anne is picking a destination, and probably for something a little less than attention but almost. So how do you talk to people, especially teens, about these things? My nephew will never learn. He will cling to depression like it is his favorite shirt. Some people are fine with being corrected about using depressed. (No, I don't correct everyone. Just the obviously nots.) How do you explain to a child that depression is a very serious condition, and that idly picking it like a lipstick color, trivializes it? Or how adopting LGBTQ labels from an already struggling community minimizes their very real concerns? She's 12 and desperate for an identity she can show her friends. I'm scared that explaining depression symptoms would only give her something to embrace, some new ways to behave to drive the point home. Jane and I don't want this girl to act it out only to become it. How can we talk to her about depression in other people?
  5. This is my first post here and I've never posted on a forum about my mental illnesses since I was diagnosed with them a bit over 20 years ago. I have a sense of weakness or shame being a man that can't get his shit together. I suppose being out of a hospital is good. Haven't been inpatient in 2 years now. (Hospitalized about 15 times since diagnosed) Just constant group therapy stuff. You know. IOP, PHP, And all that. I have a good medical support system. My psych doc sees me twice a month and if he notices something we tweak my meds. Up the Abilify or lower the Wellbutrin, or whatever. I usually end up in some sort of group program a few times a year each time lasting about 8-10 weeks. I must be doing something right not being in a hospital I suppose. The support system I wish I had would be my family. My illness, a couple years back, was so disruptive to my daily life I had to go on SSDI, aka federal disability. I have worked since I was 8. Not supporting my kids and giving them vacations and such is killing me because Social Security isn't a lot of money. Yes, I am grateful for it but I wish I could do more. Back to my family. My wife of almost 10 years is growing distant daily. I am pretty sure most of my family thinks my mental anguish is some sort of get over, or that if I was just a stronger person I could be a normal husband contributing to the family. I always wanted to pass on generational wealth to my sons since I didn't have any. But, I failed at that because of my lot in life. Now after all that, my question is this. How do you deal with close family members discarding your afflictions as if you simply have a common cold and you'll eventually get over it? I'm losing the love of my life because of it, my wife. My mother thinks I'm just weak, and the rest of the family just pretends I, and especially the illnesses, do not exist. Any responses anecdotal or otherwise would be helpful. Thank you so much for those that read my rant. ?
  6. So... my family knows about my problems since the end of 2016, when i pretty much had an emotional meltdown and they saw my cuts, but recently my little brother has been through some rough times (he suffers from depression too) and i think he started doing sh too (based on certain things i found) and i just can't get out of the idea that it's my fault that he got worse. Be honest, is it my fault that he did this to himself?. I feel like human garbage also english isn't my first language, feel free to correct me on that.
  7. May be Triggering for some - not not explicit. Hi All, I've been cutting since I was 12, was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 15; which seems to explain why - I've never really figured it out myself. I've had long periods of recovery, and I really thought I had it cracked this time. I was wrong. Last night I relapsed. I'm going to keep working on getting better, and not let this get me down or put me off finding healthier solutions, the usual spiel, but in the meantime I have to deal with the fallout, and I think I need some support with that. My family knows about my history with SI, and how I've been good for a while - but we don't tend to talk about it much, it's an uncomfortable subject after all. Since I'm home from uni and staying with them right now, I'm struggling with whether or not to come clean. I didn't want to upset them, and am fairly sure this is not going to be indicative of a serious relapse, so I wasn't going to mention anything. Then my aunt invited us to go swimming with herself and my cousins - worst luck! Fairly sure I could lie my way out of it, which would be less stressful option for all; but also sets a precedence I've been trying to avoid. On the other hand, piling familial stress on top of my current abundance of crazy seems like a recipe for disaster. Any thoughts? Lillian.
  8. I don't know where else to post this, so I'm putting it here. Be warned, I'm super fucked up. So I'm kind of scared right now, but I'm also not. A thing just happened with my family, and in all honestly, it was minor compared to the past, but still. Sometimes when things happen with my parents, I can feel it. I get this anger running through me. And I want to end them. I want to grab a knife and carve the shit out of them. I want them to scream and bleed and I want them to hurt. I want to kill them and the idea of them not being around anymore makes me smile. But it only last for a little bit. And then I go back to feeling nothing, except maybe vaguely annoyed and hateful. Like I don't know if it's my Borderline that's causing the anger, or if the anger's just in me and my depression just makes it so hard to feel. Or maybe just a combination of the two. But I'm scared that one day it'll happen. And then I'll be locked up in a psych ward forever.
  9. I have been quite depressed lately over loosing friends and even family. While my relationship with my fiance seems to have been saved (he has been going to therapy, taking meds, been much happier, sweeter, supportive, and at least trying very hard to be understanding of my emotional self which makes me very happy), all my other relationships seem to be falling into shambles. I will start off with my dad. We were very close until I became a very troubled teenager. He tried to gain custody, but I refused to go due to the emotional stress it was causing. An ex-wife he always sided with to get some tail furthered the rift between us. Also my mom's hatred for him he assumes has tainted my view of him despite what I tell him and no matter how many times I tell him other wise. Anyway, I really like his current wife and we talk a lot when ever I go visit. However, there are some things she told me I wish she had kept to herself, but I understand she wanted to vent to someone as well. We are the same age, and both know him quite well. They have been having some problems and I am not sure if they will make it. Anyway, I learned that he feels he is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. That if I was not a Christian (which I am not, but that is a secret) or a lesbian I would be disowned. I really feel for anyone having to deal with that who have come out to their families. Just saying, I am so sorry to anyone who has to live with that. However, she also ranted on how hypocritical he is as a porn addict he loves watching two girls more than anything. Hm. Anyway, during my last visit he was quite a jerk to me. Nothing nice was ever spoken. He told me I never take care of my child even though I did so the entire time I was there. He put me down telling me everything I was doing wrong, and smirked shaking his head at my comments to what I do or what I think should be done. I just cannot handle him anymore. He has two new kids, and I honestly think he will be close with them until they become adults like with me. As long as they agree with him, they will be fine. It depends on how much he brainwashes them into agreeing with everything he says. He always tells me that if I think anything different than him then I must be some sheep believing the media, when I just do my own research and make my own opinions. All my friends are pretty busy. Life calls, I understand, but it is difficult to bear at times when I never see anyone. And I do mean never no matter how hard we all try. They work many jobs and are struggling to keep their heads above the water, so I completely understand and go to them when I can. However, it is very difficult with a toddler. I get tired of always being the one to go to them when it is so much easier for them to come to me (we live 2 hours a part). My best friend has never once come to see me in my town. She also lives two hours away. For years I drive to see her. Even right after my baby was born, I packed his things and went over there fighting the hassle of the pack n play, the many cans of formula, him having trouble in a strange home, etc. I do it since she helps with gas, lets us stay for a while, and we have tons of fun. However, those times I can drive out there now are pretty few between classes and a toddler. Plus, she has a job now and works a lot. I get it, but things got really bad lately. She found this girl she works with and has become incredibly close with. Honestly, at first I was not at all jealous. I did not like the girl very much because she hates being around kids and it made me feel bad. Plus, she used the excuse of anxiety which I never get to use even though I have severe problems with it and am hospitalized because of it at least once every year from the havoc it wrecks on my body. I told her I wasn't crazy about all that, but I didn't know her well enough to really say if I liked her or not, just that I was not comfortable that she did like kids. Like I said, it made me feel bad for some reason since I never planned on ever having any and I suffer with post-partum depression that has not yet fully subsided. Anyway, as time goes on they spend more and more time together, and of course I am never invited. I used to always be allowed to go over to her home whenever i wanted. I got a key, know the code and everything. I have been over there when everyone had to work and played with the cats/just chilled with my son, whatever. I had a rough patch with my fiance and needed space. I had no where to go except to her place and asked if I could come over, or even if she wanted to come over to see me. For the first time she told me no because she had to work. That never stopped me before, so I got my feelings hurt. I didn't say anything except okay, and that I understand. I went to some of my other friends for help, thanked them publicly for their help and she became offended that I did not thank her too even though she didn't do a damn thing to help. I understand if she was too busy, but I am swallowing my own forming jealousy of her new friend because that makes he happy, so I figured she should do the same for me. Perhaps that was wrong of me, but when she called me out on it, I called her out on leaving me out of things and I felt the distance between us widen. After that I asked her again because I still needed help. The answer again was no because she was sick. So I left it alone. Now, I got a new phone since my old one got fried. I asked everyone for their phone numbers or to text me so I have it. She told me to message her on fb instead because her phone was messing up and she is getting a new one soon. I mean, she would still have the same number so wtf? I could message her online and still have her number for when she got her phone. She hates drama. I know she thinks I am full of it with the challenges in my relationship and my difficulties with the part-partum depression. She tends to be the friend to try and cheer you up if you feel bad and not talk much about it. I've always been fine with that since she always does a great job, and distractions work best for me. For her too, so it was something that always worked. Now, even though all I want is that distraction again, I am being shunned. Yeah, perhaps I talked too much about my problems the last time we hung out. I was struggling. Is my sensitivity really that bad that people want to avoid me? I've tried making other friends, but it just has not been going well. I am shy around people I do not know. I don't get along with most people just because I don't share "normal" interests. Loosing all these people are just making me really depressed, and I never feel like doing anything.
  10. Hi there, I have had the diagnosis of Schizophrenia from a young age so it isn't anything unusual - in fact it is more controlled now However lately this little voice has creeped back into my head literally trying to destroy my life. When I'm with my girlfriend it says things like "You know she doesn't like you," "You're only temporary until she finds someone better," etc. Also it says things about my family like "They don't want you here," "they're trying to kill you," "Don't drink that - they poisoned it." However after getting emotional with my girlfriend due to my voice yesterday it said something like "Once I destroy whats close to you - it makes it easier to destroy you." then it shouted "kill yourself!" in a mumbled barking voice. I'm not sure what to do I haven't attempted suicide since 15 November 2014 - that was my last ever attempt. Never again. I want to reach out and talk to someone but they'll automatically think I'm suicidal due to the things it says and I don't want people to be checking up on me all the time. I want the voice to stop. Last time I reported a voice like this to my therapist she wanted to take me in as an inpatient but my parents fought my case, I don't want to waste my life on my mental health all the time - I want to be normal.
  11. I am nineteen years old and I haven't told my parents that I love them in eleven years. I also can't call them the traditional "mom" or "dad", but rather silly nicknames I came up with as a young child. This is confusing, especially since they are good parents. I have never been abused (by them, at least). Neither has an alcohol problem. Neither fight. I essentially am living with the Brady Bunch. Several of my friends have died in freak accidents over the years (my two best friends were killed within two years of each other when I was in elementary school, for one thing). I was abused in every sense of the world by my step grandfather. I've been in an and out of psychiatric institutions since the beginning of high school - yet, I was always visited. I was always cared about. Strings were pulled so that I could be transferred to better facilities, the works. I don't get it and most people I've talked to say the same thing: "give them a hug, for once, Bethany. Just say it. They'll be so happy." But I can't. When is the right time to say that I love someone after not doing it for so long? Do I love them? I should. I have been so blessed. I can't say it and I can't give any logical explanation for why I stopped saying those words and why I can't go back to saying them again. It all feels foreign in my mouth. Any general insight? I know I didn't give a very detailed overview; however, I didn't want to get too wordy and start on a ramble fest, which I am famous for doing. Does anyone else have the same or a similar problem? Thoughts, please.
  12. I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I just need to put these thoughts down somewhere in the hopes that it will help me work through this. My pdoc wants to switch my meds because mine aren't working anymore. That's fine but my dream job just came up and I got it. That in itself is okay - a little scary at a time when I need to change meds but not necessarily unsurmountable. In addition to that, I have my grandmother at home and she's really old and to take the job I need to find someone to stay with her. I have some people but they have schedules so I have to juggle their schedules to make sure I have coverage. When I read this as though someone else wrote it - it looks challenging but doable but in my head it's just overwhelming. Also as I read this I get this feeling that the series of circumstances in my life make me identifiable and someone from work will read this and know it's me. That in itself is a whole other issue. The minute chance that someone would read this and know my identity is very improbable and if they did - so what? Except that then I'd have the MI stigma to deal with at work too. That in itself is kind of amusing because I'm the one who advocates for others with MI at work so if I want to talk the talk, I'd better walk the walk. Oh man, I'm rambling. I'm gonna need a blog soon.
  13. I cut on my hips and thighs, and it's becoming very hard to hide the scars since it's summer and I usually wear shorts, especially to bed. I think my older sister knows, because I've seen her taking glances at my legs when I get up from sitting. I can tell that it may be annoying her, too. My parents: I think my mother knows (she was aware that I was doing it a year ago) but is trying to ignore it; my father, on the other hand, is oblivious. (Thank God.) Does your family know about your self-harm and, if they do, does it bother them?
  14. Seeking advice and suggestions... Background: I haven't worked as a LCSW in over 4 years and was approved for SSDI not long ago. I couldn't work due to my mood instability, PTSD symptoms and anxiety difficulties. I've lead a very sedentary and tranquil lifestyle primarily relaxing, staying a home and going to my tdoc and pdoc on monthly basis. And I would visit my parents 2-3 times a week, go grocery shopping and run a few errands. My stress and anxiety level was at a minimal and, though felt stagnant at times, I was glad I had symptom free days. Unfortunately, my lifestyle has dramatically changed as my dad has decided to retire soon and have me take over my parents' rental property investments. I'm now an only child and no one else is available to do the job. My dad didn't directly ask me if I wanted to take over the business; he just assumed, though warily, I would do so. In the beginning he did make a few comments about being concerned over my mental health. I reluctantly responded that I was capable. As my tdoc suggested, I felt both defensive and obligated. My tdoc also initially suggested I tell my parents I might not be able to do it. This therapist has been with me for almost two years and I value his counsel. A part of me wants to agree with my tdoc but another part of me feels like I could do it. It would be a highly stressful and angst-filled life change; a job that entails many responsibilities and duties. I have had endless sleepless night arguing with myself about whether I could actually handle such a job. My parents are depending on me to carry on their investments. I want to have them proud of me. I know they were heartbroken when I quit my career and went on disability. For the past 6 weeks, I've been shadowing my dad and learning about property management. I wrecked my car back in December and was dependent on him for transportation. Everyday he picked me up and I'd spend the day with him as he went about the duties and taught me the basics. Afterwards, I'd spend a few more hours with him and my mom at their home. My car is almost repaired and eventually I'll have transportation again. In the meantime and afterwards, I am expected to continue to work with my dad and learn more about the job. Even typing the word 'job' is stressful for me at this point. I couldn't do the job I went to graduate school to learn and now I'm expected to do, for me, an extremely difficult one. Lastly, despite the stressors of these lifestyle changes, I'm still symptom free, feeling and coping well and primarily thinking positively. My question to the readers: What would you do? I'm 49yo, divorced with empty nest with elderly parents who have 20 rental properties and want me to continue their investments upon retirement. Thanks in advance for your comments; I appreciate them. ~angel
  15. Rant warning sorry. My mum has been very supportive over the years (and still is) but there are times in my life when I know she's trying to help, & that she wants to help, but she just makes it harder. Over time, I have put on a lot of weight. This has resulted in me becoming unhappy with how I look and doing my best (but not yet succeeding) to loose weight (for myself, for my hubby and for my son). My mum is very fit and into exercise and eating right, she is also rather forthright and pushy. So, the short of it is that once again we're going through a cycle of her commenting on things in my life and it hitting a nerve with me. She comments on my weight and how I need to eat right and exercise for my family, how I need to keep my house clean and organised etc and how I need to work on all of this so that I can get better and become more stable mentally, and then get a job and support my family & supplement my husbands income. Now, she does help us immensely, she pays for my personal training sessions once a week and we rent her house off of her at a low weekly rate. All of these things and more I am so very grateful to her for, I really am, and I thank her often for her help. However, when I get to this point/cycle of her comments wounding me, it's really bloody hard to explain to her that whilst from her perspective I'm not doing enough to help myself or my weight or the house, or looking for work, and how in her eyes it all seems easy to sort out, that for me it's not. I'm seeing a new Shrink, I've only had the first meeting with her, so tbh, I'm not sure if it'll work out or not, for various reasons. I see her again in a month, so will have a better idea after that meeting. What I would like to find is a Shrink who is able to see that I could really benefit from some intensive psychotherapy which due to my location and family life is best able to be achieved by short stays in a private psychiatric facility on a regular basis. As I feel that I would really begin to gain and re-gain the life skills I so desperately need to help me. It is all of the above that I find hard to communicate to my mother. I know that on some level she almost sorta grasps it, but not quite. So until I can achieve my treatment goals, I'm bumbling along as best I can. I just wish I could get my mother to see it that way. My husband is very supportive and understands what I need and how I'm holding on, which is good. It's just a pity he works 60 or so hours a week at 2 jobs. I feel like a failure *sigh* /rant
  16. Angeni Mai

    Bone head

    From the album: Unedited variety

    My uncle wearing his N.Am . Headpiece. Boneheaded man!
  17. Angeni Mai

    Lil man!

    From the album: Unedited variety

    Just my cousin's 2 year old trying on my uncle's Native American headpiece. Lol he didn't like it.
  18. How on earth does one on the spectrum manage the feelings of sadness/stress/fear for an ill loved one while another healthy grief stricken family member demands help and attention? My grama is very ill, and my mom is reasonably quite upset, but unreasonably sending me very very frightening and alarmist messages to drop my entire day and plans and life because she's practically dead- oh, wait, we're going for lunch. Or- oh, wait, she just really needs fluids but she'll probably be okay. I've talked with her about it, but I doubt she really gets it at all or why it isn't okay to do that. Any stories/theories/impressions about asd and dealing with grief? A time full of stress compounded by an increased social pressure?
  19. Hi, My dad has suffered from depression for a very long time (and possibly also bipolar). Unfortunately he will not share his diagnosis with any of his family members. He had tried every combination of antidepressants, but nothing seemed to work. Last year he started to take Deplin and his depression greatly improved, although the Deplin seems to have heightened everything about his personality and at times he seems manic. In recent months he's become irritable and verbally abusive to his closest family members and most recently started to become physically abusive, pushing my mother during an argument. I've known my dad all his life and he has never had any abusive tendencies. He gave me multiple long lectures as a kid about how it was never right to put your hands on a women, yet he's done a complete 180 in the last year. I fear that the Deplin (which is the one thing that has pulled him out of his depression) is now causing him to act irrationally and have increased irritability and anger. He's recently stopped going to his pdoc and continues to tell everyone how Deplin has cured him, yet his family members know a very different story. I'm looking for anyone who has had any similar experiences with Deplin and any general advice anyone can give. I certainly don't want him to go off the Deplin and spiral into depression, but I fear if he continues to take it that he'll do serious damage to his relationships with myself and others. Thanks to anyone who has read this. I'm hopeful my family can figure this out and we can get him back to a place of stability.
  20. Hey Ya'll So I have Bipolar 1 with GAD I have family members who do not understand bipolar, and one of them is my mother who has experience in the medical field even psych. Sadly, she still has the stereotype view of bipolar. I would love any recommended books for loved ones of bipolar...that you felt was a great book to give to your parents, aunt/uncle, or even significant other. Hope to hear some recommendation soon...And thanx for replying.
  21. Gotta vent for a minute. So I email my dad periodically & never responds. Even to emails asking how he is doing (he was diagnosed with cancer a while back & it's in remission). Just got an email alert & it was from my dad to my brother and I. All he said is "It would have been nice if either of you had remembered it was our anniversary Sept 5th." For the record, I did NOT know that b/c it's not something they've ever made a big deal of. Never gotten them a card or gift b/c they never mention it when it's coming up. And they don't mention it after it has passed. And he has the nerve to be a dick about it when he doesn't have the common courtesy to respond when I email him photos or simply ask how he is doing. DICK. Our relationship has always been crappy so i shouldn't be surprised. But I'm still annoyed. It makes me feel like a kid again. ok, vent over. sorry. I just got the email and am pretty peeved.
  22. Hey, I've been trying to recover from anorexia for several years now post hospitalisation and day-centre treatment. In the past few months I was discharged from the eating disorder OP service so I don't have any specialist help for the first time in 7 years. I currently have EDNOS/anorexia binge-purge, and am at a supposedly healthy weight but I struggle massively with accepting this as being good, the drive in my head is still strongly anorexic. My mum (who I live with) is unhealthily overweight/obese, and is on weightwatchers (again) - but she's being really obvious about it, all the "logging" exercise and foods, points etc., yet criticising my supposedly obsessive food diaries....and she's started to comment on my eating (proportions of food groups, healthier alternatives). I feel trapped as in the past she has had to sacrifice her own health in order not to trigger me...but now I'm all seemingly better, eating much more flexibly I guess it seems that I'm fine with it. We've had conversations where she has said that it is partly my responsibility that she is unhealthy and is as much physical danger as I am (at the opposite end of the scale when I was at my worst)...so I feel I have to do everything to support her this time round otherwise it would be my fault if she died. So I've helped her join my gym, I congratulate her when she doesn't eat something unhealthy or she goes to a class or eats a healthy meal... When inside it's just making the one voice that is actually inside my head (I have a couple outside of my head - but that's a whole other story!) say that I'm not even doing weightwatchers properly, something I should be good at (given I had severe anorexia for 4 years). Ultimately...I just feel that now I look "healthy" (to me, FAT) and behave more normally around food/don't make all the comments that I'm thinking, there's this expectation from everyone that things are okay and they can say anything. It just encourages my secretive purging which is bad at the moment; and also my guilt for eating in front of people (something I've got better at). Sorry for the essay...I just hate that if I look healthy on the outside it doesn't seem to matter how I feel on the inside. NB. I find it very hard to not fake liveliness and positivity, so it's rare that I'll act how I feel...the voices I experience do not accept showing weakness. Does anyone else have experience of this? How is it best to cope with it? I can't say "can you stop weightwatchers" because I've done that in the past and her ill health has become my fault. L
  23. A friend invited me to the upcoming NYC Pride celebration this coming weekend. When I asked my parents (which is actually just a formality since I am 19 and a sign of respect since I am still under their roof) if I could go with her they gave me all kinds of crap about it. They, apparently, think that because I am unable to work due to phobia/anxiety or whatever the hell causes my emotional meltdowns... that this means I can't do anything. Even though I've explained at great length about what happened. Apparently, because "Your mother and I can't be in crowds (when suffering from anxiety)" means that I, too, cannot be in crowds. It isn't being around people that bothers me. It's partly the overwhelming feeling that I am being scrutinized and judged and stared at and talked about. I have problems with one-on-one interactions, phone interactions, being in public on my own (like going to a store) or something like that where I feel as though I stand out a lot. My whole life I have never had a problem attending large music concerts or anything of that nature. I somehow feel that the last place I will be scrutinized or judged will be at a gay/lgbt pride event. I'm also trying to avoid developing agoraphobia, which sounds silly, but there was a point about three years ago where I couldn't leave my house or go anywhere by myself, and even when I was with someone I could only handle short excursions. This lasted for several months and it was very hard to reclaim my independence so to speak. I know if I start avoiding doing things because I'm afraid of my anxiety, it will happen again. It should also be noted that if I were to say "Sorry, I can't go to the store for you today, my anxiety is really bad." My parents would not be accepting of this. They would tell me to grow up, push myself, you know, all the usual b.s. They aren't trying to understand me. They aren't trying to support me. They aren't just looking out for me... My mental illness only exists at their convenience.
  24. Angeni Mai

    Little Boy II

    From the album: Animal pictures

    More of Ne-Yo

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

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