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Found 9 results

  1. Sometimes I think that life would be easier if I was still friendless and alone and mostly alright. Because I love these people, but boy is having friends hard work. And I'm just so tired.
  2. Have been working at a friendship for the past year. Recently my patience has grown very thin and thinking she may have a "shelf-life". Yesterday I had a very important doctors appt with my sleep medicine doctor that I could not miss. I am prone to migraine that makes me to ill to do anything for 3 days. Anyway, keeping that in mind, my friend, let's say her name is Ann, while having lunch at her home, tells me to check out her new pen as it has a new feature she wants to show me and points a LED beam directly into my eyes, hours before my appt, then immediately says she's sorry. Last month the day before my MRI she asks me to her home to show me a surprise, I arrive to find a similiar situation where she flashes a harsh light right into my eyes, followed by another apology. Now she knows about the importance of my doctors appts and she knows that I suffer from debilitating migraine and she's a former nurse to add that to the pile of things. It's happened 4 times in the past 2 months the day before an important doctors appt. I know she's in her 80's, and I am trying to understand about forgetfulness, but I'm beginning to wonder if this is deliberate. I have been wanting to go to this flower nursery since last November. I don't drive anymore, so I depend upon others for transportation. I have asked her repeatedly if she will take me and we have never made it there. I am starting a new hobby of tropical fish and wanted to see the size of a fish tank and we were driving by a local pet store and I asked her if we could swing in there so I could see what the size of a 5 gallon fish tank is and she said no. We stopped at a local farm looking for produce and found they were closed down, but there were horses lined up at the fence and I asked if she could stop so I could see the horses (I am crazy about horses), she said no and off we zoomed. I have been wanting to pick up some lobster and last week we drove right past this lobster wholesale place and I asked her to stop in there so I could check out this place and she refused. Then................, we pull up at a local hardware store for her to get some nails and she told me to stay in the car as I would only slow her down in the store. It was 90 degrees outside......... what was she thinking? Coming home from a blood test, she had to stop to do some shopping and I told her I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go straight home after the blood test but I went in with her anyway. I felt faint in the store and had to leave. She got mad and accused me of interfering with her shopping by pretending I was going to faint. Ann just blasted me by texting just moments ago me accusing me of "why must you attribute thoughts or feelings to me that dwell in your mind from your unhappy past and not in mine I am disappointed that you trust me so little and rank me with the worst you tell me of the people here. Will you always have so little faith in me. I'm sorry". Something triggered her that I said and it sent her into a rage, which I am finding more and more with her, this is just a taste of how she treats me. I took her keys and returned them to her front door and blocked her telephone number and texting from reaching me. This has been a year long friendship of hardwork, I was willing to go the extra mile but when she throws up my childhood abuse history at me like this, there's no taking that back. I'm sick, just sick of loosing her as a friend but then I am attracted to those that abuse me, so I have to look at myself now to figure this out to learn from it. I don't know why no one is reaching out to me, so will consider this a closed topic, thank you for your interest anyway Adding additional thoughts: I am leaving a reply to myself. Have been thinking about what I wrote and in hindsight, I am seeing that all along Ann has been abusive towards me, verbally. She has shown very little interest in getting to know me, it's all about my sitting and listening to her reminisce about her 80+ years. When I would start to share my history with her, she would cut me off and start talking about her never coming back to me. When I brought over one photo album and turned one page, she pulled out 6 photo albums and placed them directly on top of mine and showing no interest in what I wanted to show her, went thru her photo albums. She would also show me poison pen letters she sent to relatives, scathing hateful letters and of course, she eventually started to send these to me. What more could I expect from her and me too. I was living my past with her, I was living my life with my mother who abused me. Now knowing I was seeking out an abusive relationship and breaking it off sent me back 20 years when I walked away from my mother. I never saw her again. Ann provided some transportation and some companionship for me, it was better than nothing, but the ending was very traumatic for me. Now I have no one to take me places and no companionship. So, I sit here alone today wallowing in self pity in my own misery trying to find comfort somewhere. I thought I was thru with allowing people in to hurt me. Thanks for listening. Purple
  3. Hi y'all, I'm having a problem and I really am at a loss. I don't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I have plans to get married in April, we're both going to be 29 this year. I'm feeling like I don't know if I can go forward because of this problem involving his best friend. I introduced them a little over a year ago. They talk on the phone and text several times a day. He lends the friend money whenever he needs it. We live downtown and don't have a car, so he calls this guy first if he needs a ride, every time. They go party together twice a week or so. I really didn't have any sort of problem with any of this until I realized that the friend had no respect for me. It built up over time with small things and now I just don't want him anywhere near me. After attempts to squash hipster-racist and ignorant mysoginistic jokes in my house my concerns are laughed off and the jokes continue. This fella obviously doesn't respect me and tells my guy all kinds of things about me and my depression that 1) aren't true and 2) put a wedge in my relationship with my guy. I got yelled at a couple of months ago by the friend over a conversation that took place in my home with a few mutual friends. My boyfriend never stepped in to say that the things he was yelling at me for saying came from my boyfriend's mouth first. The friend told me I was wasting my life (I've been struggling lately and have stayed home a lot for the last few months) and when I told him to get out of my house he said that technically my boyfriend paid all of the bills here (untrue) so that I couldn't kick him out. I still kicked him out. Oh, he told my boyfriend that my crying fits/panic attacks are a "bipolar ruse" (I'm not bipolar) and not to "fall for it." I'm not sure what he means by that, but really, he isn't a doctor the last I checked. I've had multiple sit down talks with my guy about this situation. I know that I've tried to communicate about it. I try to look at the situation and break it down in pieces and try to tell whether or not I'm feeling this way because of external forces or if it is all inside myself. My feelings at this point are that 1) their relationship is unhealthy, 2) if this friend were a woman that it would be considered inappropriate, 3) if I had a friend who treated my guy like I've been treated they would cease to be my friend, and 4) the way they cling to one another it makes me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. I'm trying to evaluate whether or not those feelings match reality, or if I'm just a victim of my own brain. I'm starting to think that I just get mad at the friend because it's easier than being angry at the man I love. Since my boyfriend knows how I feel, and I've requested space several times over the last 4 months and not gotten it, that the problem lies with my boyfriend. He obviously sees something in this overgrown man-child. I don't know quite what to say about it or how to say it, since I'm starting to feel like I can't marry someone who doesn't seem to care for how I feel. He loves me, calls me his family, is helping me to get help for my depression, but just doesn't seem to understand that I am serious about this. Bless your heart if you got through that mess. Thanks for reading.
  4. Hey CB -- The purpose of this post, I suppose, is both to vent and ask for other people's experiences to gauge if my behavior is " normal " for MI. I'm not even sure if I have friends. Well, that's not true. I actually have an extensive social circle, with different groups of friends comprising them. I don't really know how it happened, other than I've known them all for over a decade and we really, really, really like to party. So I have very close relationships with many people, despite being an incredibly introverted person. Anyway, the set up. The reason I say I'm not sure if I have friends is because obviously in my depressions, I become an introverted, reclusive asshole and can't be found. I don't even pick up my phone or answer texts. I'm not sure why, I just don't. Of course, when I'm manic, I can stay out hours, days, weeks, months at a time (rapid-cycler). And they like that Alice. If I'm wrangled out in my depression, I'm rather silent and frankly, a different person. You know how the game goes. It's not like my MI is a secret, not at all. I always manically say, "well, I'm bipolar as shit!" and "I've been on antipsychotics for years!" So they are aware. And, *usually*, there aren't many problems (although I don't think they truly understand that those statements are related to my time away from them). The thing is: sometimes, after a time, I feel like I lose them as friends (especially women, as they require more day-to-day friendship maintenance than males do). Sometimes they're vocal about it, jokingly yelling at me for being distant, missing events, etc. They stop inviting me to come over, or out for events. But it seems like I always find my way back, eventually, and it's as if nothings changed. But I can tell we aren't nearly as close as we once were. And it troubles me deeply. I miss my friends. I miss my social life. But it's also so exhausting to me. It doesn't help that my best and most understanding friend, which whom I am basically in her family (her family is staying, thank GOD), is moving away, 15 hours away, with her baby daddy and my godson. I'm heartbroken. She leaves tomorrow. What will I do without her? Insights, experiences? All and anything is welcome. Sorry if it was too long. --Alice
  5. so i have a friend who has for the most part been good to me... i think. we were more like dating but i never called it like that because i didnt like him as much as he liked me. but we slept together and all that stuff for all 4 years in college and we had a long distance sort of thing after that. anyway, i can be pretty unsure of myself and so when i needed a pick me up from hanging out with my badly chosen so called friends, he would be there to tell me they were bitches anyway. the thing was, i feel like i let him to all the work in terms of the insecurities i was feeling. i should have relied more on myself for these kind of things. ever have someone you used too much as a crutch when you were ailing sort of? he's very sure of himself, which has served him well and has even made him successful. as an african american male, this sureness has especially served him well in my opinion. he isnt easily put down, especially not when racial things come up which do pretty often when you are trying to excel in academia. and this confidence even makes him attractive - its what made me drawn to him. but, it has also been my downfall i realize. i never challenged myself to think for myself and to challenge him on some of the concepts he's tried to lecture me on, especially those concerning on who i am as a person. thats what bugs me the most, that he's so quick to label me because of what i believe is his confidence in his ability to do so. and i feel like its put me at a disadvantage now. i didnt look to myself for answers, instead relying on his lecturing to tell me who i am and when im being socially acceptable and appropriate. it really hurts that he didnt foster more confidence in myself and makes me feel like maybe he didnt care for me as much as i had originally thought. so now, i habor a lot of anger and i feel like im growing to hate him im sure my problems dont stem just from this relationship and that its been a long time coming, but im starting to hate what the relationship was. is this normal? is this justified? have you ever experienced this?
  6. Tip


    From the album: Samwise

    Samwise in the autumn several years ago.
  7. I hope I am posting in the right place and with the proper content, otherwise pls feel free to point so out or move it/delete as appropriate , and according to your ranking level here at CB. ---- During my psychotic episodes, in particular the first one, I am one of those that sends weird message to friends that aren't around. Now, this has led to some very embarrassing situations for me but also to just ones where I would laugh about it. Most of my friends, have been very understanding, especially this one I wrote to, who used to be my ex partner. Now, what I am looking advise for is: should I contact her (one more time) and try explaining my behaviour, as bizarre as it was, or just leave it there. I want to say something more, as in I want to send the letter, but I also feel I might become (or already be) a nuisance (English is not my native language but I think this is the word) to this person. What do you guys think? I could maybe post the letter (with some obvious omissions) here or on a blog post, just let me know your thoughts. Cheers, L.
  8. ****EDIT**** My BPD friend. Whoops! Hello everyone, So I know crazyboards is a first person site and I think my question here might blur the lines a little, but I'm only looking for help for me so I think I'm still in the safe zone! I have made a new friend. This is exciting for me because I don't really make friends easily. I also have a hard time keeping up relationships, not because I don't want to or don't care about/find said friend interesting, I'm just spectrumy and a bit of a recluse and have a hard time with being social all the time. It's tiring to me. But anyhow- so I have this new friend! And I like her! And I think she likes me. And I want to keep this developing into a real friendship. Recently, I found out that she has borderline. Figuring I AM good at research and I have a whole host of resources at my fingertips here at crazyboards, I figure it wouldn't hurt to ask- what are some tips you have for creating/maintaining a friendship with someone that has borderline? Is there any condition specific things I should be aware of when talking to her about borderline- like things to avoid mistakenly being disrespectful about? For example, I believe the best language is "has" borderline instead of "is" borderline, correct? Beyond that, I know (in a limited sort of way) that people that have borderline have a hard time with interpersonal relationships in a different sort of way, frequently being afraid of people leaving them, right? I'm wondering the best way of communicating that I still care even if I might not be able to come out and do as much stuff as she would like. Sorry about all the questions, if it's annoying feel free to not answer. But if any of you have any advice for me, I would really appreciate it! Thanks Von
  9. Angeni Mai

    Angel And Me

    From the album: Unedited variety

    My friend, Angelika, and me hanging out for the first time in a year.

    © (c) 2013

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