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Found 13 results

  1. Hello, I'm new to this forum and it's so big that it's daunting. I'll get the hang of it sooner or later. I'm always looking for new ways to connect with my peers and this seems like a good place. I have Schizoaffective Disorder, PTSD, and a learning disability. I'm fortunate to have found a med that works for me. I've been on it for a month and haven't had any hallucinations or delusions in two weeks! Even my depression is getting better. In August I start back to college where I'll learn to be an ASL interpreter. I'm such a nerd that I'm already learning finger spelling and the numbers along with some basic signs.
  2. Hello to everyone on CB. I found CB in what has been one of the most tumultuous of my 43 years on this earth. I have a long history fighting the black dog and all the darkness that he/she carries with them. I continue to struggle with self harm and feel the glaring stigma that seems to so easily come when people see a 43 year old man and his scars. As a part the borderline traits I have recently been diagnosed with (not quite BPD but close if that makes any sense) I fight the emotional upheaval that seems to be occupying more of my life of late. In a concerted effort to move forward and fight the good fight I am beginning a DBT Program and working hard to find that path forward. I have never had to fight so hard to stay alive but I can say I am still fighting.
  3. So hi, I guess :I My name is The Squid Kid. It's not my real name, just on here. My real name is Henry and I'm 17, and my name my voices gave me is 12. So I hear voices. Some days are good, some voices are good too. But I feel like I've been lapsing out of reality into a world of nightmares I was admitted for a week because I couldn't get a psychiatrist, I built a tower in my backyard, and I tried to stab my mom. Usually I can know if my voices are telling me to do something bad, and I can restrain myself. BUT THAT TIME I COULDN'T D: I now am diagnosed with Psychosis NOS and I think they are leaning towards Schizophrenia A bit about my voices: Sometimes I hear generic voices, whispers, Siri, Elmo, a pirate, the movie trailer voice guy, and astronauts. Sometimes I hear and see Hindu Gods, and one time I met the real god. I see squids and my cat in places a lot (hence the squid kid name) In order to cope, I make electronic music, wood carving, paintings, (bad) drawings, and I like incense. I want to use drugs but everyone says its a bad idea to keep doing them. SO YEAH THATS ME :3 I want to make friends on here who are similarly aged to me :3:3:3:3:3 :3 the cat rat wants me back :3
  4. Jennifer here..In Orlando Florida for the second time. The first time I moved here I had a break and was in hosp for 3 days .Got divorced moved to Tampa....Got remarried (many years later),and moved back 2 weeks ago and made it 1 night found myself back in same hospital as 7 years ago! Anywhoo ...dont want to bore you with the details.. Im DX BPD @ 17 PTSD @ 24 Ive been on and off all of it..since I was a teenager. Battled a nasty H addiction ,and have 12 months clean finally Im 42 newly married (1 month),and just home from a stay at my local mental hospital. Came home with seroqul *sp 100 mgs bid Feel better well I think I do anyway...brain currently wrapped in cotton feeling.. Its good to be here.. Blessed be! J
  5. Hi, my name is Ceicbot driven from the fact that i feel like a robot most of the time and my name -Ceicbot Um, i havent really been diagnosed with anything yet because i just called a psychiatrist an hour ago..but my previous therapist on my campus diagnosed me with Situational PTSD (i add the situation because i am not a veteran so jic) but my cutting, anxiety and depression has gotten worse day by day. Im looking for a place online because thats currently where i live and the outside world is leaving me feeling more and more empty. I hope to make friends here with like minded people who dont just tell me that "my depression is a chemical unbalance in my brain" which i understand but i just want someone who will sit with me (virtually included) while we work out its evil evil symptoms. Im super nice and also shy (in IRL) so i hope to be just a great friend back to you
  6. Welcome to the mind of the Mindslave. There are no seat belts or road maps here. Moving on from every past thought, cause it passed, and can no longer affect my present. Looking forward to the next right choice, in an ocean of negative possibility. Hopeful about my future as I find inner peace. Grateful for my pain that molded me the way I am. Reflecting, but not dwelling on my past. Allowing my experience to infect a positive change. By reaching the lives of others as I grow....... Oh yeah...... I'm really reserved.......*snicker*.......hahahahahaha........ Yeah right!
  7. Hmmm. Part of me can't believe I am actually posting here. I have been lurking since about August of 2013 when I stumbled upon this site looking for some information on lamictal for bipolar. In a nutshell, I've been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, when my parents found out I was abusing laxatives--their suspicions confirmed by a 20 pound weightloss on an already small frame and a blister pack of Senna found in the trash. I didn't like the "expert" they found because she jumped very quickly onto blaming my parents and i got very defensive. I also saw therapists throughout college. I struggled with anxiety, TMJ, and on and off bulimia through college--though I graduated in 4 years from a prestigious school and with an almost perfect gpa. I binge drank quite a bit, but for the most part I was able to maintain my "perfectionist" image. I had my first "breakdown" at 24. I was in a PhD program and desperately wanted out. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I couldn't sleep. I was petrified of everything out of no where--I became convinced I was bankrupt and would check my bank account multiple times a day. I dropped a TON of weight without trying--couldn't eat and lived on coffee and cigarerttes). I thought my then-husband was a drug dealer--and though he was many things (an alcoholic, a binge drinker, and heavy pot smoker) he was not a drug dealer. I fell into a deep depression during which I became psychotic--seeing connections in license plates (oh the journal entries I wrote...looking back on these after the fact...oh man, the shame). I was under an outpatient pdoc's care, though a severe panic attack resulted in my panicked mom calling 911, which led to an EXTREMELY traumatic hospitalization involving being transported in the back of a cop car. . I can still remember the exact pajamas I was wearing at the time, strange because I don;t remember much else. At this time I was dx with anxiety and depression with psychotic features, one time episode. I have often reflected on how my relative priveledge affected my dx and the course of my illness at that time. I eventually made it through the episode and everyone around me, friends, professionals, family members and myself mostly chocked it up to stress, anxiety, and an unhealthy marriage (with physical abuse on his part and emotional on both of us). I got a divorce. At the time I had absolutely no doubts. I wanted out. I'd wanted out for years, the end. During this time, I held down a professional job and moved up the ranks. I exercised. I made good money. I supported myself. My ED was in complete remission (though I did worry about my weight). I dated some. I began a new serious relationship with the person who is now my spouse. I decided to go to graduate school in a mental health related field. I got engaged. I was in therapy during this time, and felt good. I started seeing a pdoc for some anxiety and was put back on antidepressants, which REALLY helped me through. I felt like things were going in a good direction. I was pursuing my calling. I got married--and I felt WONDERFUL. I began working as a therapist in two different jobs. And then. Full blown mania, with psychosis, an inpatient hospitalization (again, somewhat traumatic, being transferred to three different programs and finally settling on the one that my SO and parents thought was the best setting. [ASIDE: Oh my god. I couldn't figure out how to use the phone system (heavily drugged and probably still somewhat psychotic) and when I mentioned that I was expecting a call and ran whenever the phone rang, the staff stated "that is magical thinking, you can't predict who will call." I had some grandiose thinking at the time and remember being outraged at the "peons" who thought they knew MI more than I did. (I realize now that those people were doing their job in a very chaotic situation...and everyone makes mistakes)]. I left both my jobs. I became DEEPLY depressed. Since then I've gotten better with a combination of meds and therapy--but I'm still not operating on all cylinders. My self-esteem is not great, but it's gotten steadily better. I have been struggling in a number of ways...with the monotony of every day life. Applying for jobs. To accept my dx. I've looked back on a number of experiences during my twenties and I can see that i was hypomanic and self-medicating with binge drinking. I used to be social and extroverted. Not working has really affected that...I feel lonely and like I've lost touch with a lot of friends--I try to keep in touch, but people are busy, either working, in grad school, or with young children--just generally living life. For a while I felt like I was standing still and very much NOT living life (as a comparison), but I don't feel that anymore--so I see that as progress. My SO is supportive, but this has taken a toll. My sex drive is NIL, which is the opposite of how it has always been. (Pretty sure it's the meds--currently 300 mg effexor, 50mg lamictal (titrating up) and 50 mg seroquel at night (been working to come off it for MONTHS). I am applying to jobs and trying to stay positive, but it's hard. I miss feeling like myself--I still feel like my brain doesn't work quite right. I'm not as witty or "quick" as I used to be. I rarely have social interactions outside of my SO and family. I struggle with comparing myself to others who I judge to be "more successful." I get irritated with my spouse. Like, a LOT and I judge him for not being more successful. I'm embarassed by the way my forray into the mental health field crashed and burned...and now I have a LOT of debt to show for it. Luckily, I was able to maintain relationships with a few key coworkers and have pretty decent references. I remember a time when I thought of myself as unique and smart and interesting and was PROUD of that. At my darkest moments I would plead to God, just let me be a BORING NORMAL. I'm back to not valuing "normal" as THE goal. I want to be myself. Anyway, HI. I am here and I am no longer lurking. I have been so comforted by some of the posts and individuals over the past several months...so thank you all for that. I don't know how often I will contribute, but I really needed to connect tonight. Alone at home and just decided what the hell.
  8. Hello, all! I have to admit, I'm ready for a peer group, be it virtual or otherwise, to act as a sounding board for the erratic staging ground that is my consciousness. I've been struggling with bipolar my whole adult life, but was only diagnosed about five years ago. It's been up and down ever since, but within a narrower range of extremes than before I was medicated. The last few years have been a long period of adjustment to new ways of being--and feeling, and acting--and I have been chafing under the restrictions that seem to be required of living a healthy lifestyle free of triggers and provocations. I've missed hypomania and the particular magic that comes with it. I miss having a brain that can regularly surprise me with insights and intuitions. I don't really care for this feeling of suppression that has come along with stability. So, at turns, I've been a little cavalier with my meds; and I haven't been putting a great deal of effort into my mental hygiene the past while. Which has led to a consequent rocky, roily, unstable last few months, and those capped off with a few scary, black weeks that I am just now climbing out of. This scare has helped me re-orient my perspective on managing my illness, and I think an important part of that may be finding some kind of community that I can relate to, communicate with, and access on a regular basis. I like the look of it here. It feels like somewhere I could contribute and make connections. I'm happy that it exists. Hopefully I'll be reading and writing with many of you in the future.
  9. I've been silently and anonymously lurking about CB for a while but never thought I would join because i'm very awkward at social interaction, whether over the internet or otherwise, but I've finally decided I have nothing better to do. so. my craziness. I don't officially have a diagnosis as of yet as I've only been seeing a pdoc for a few weeks (due to the joys of being bounced around forever from high school counsellors to temporary tdocs to finally a pdoc over six months after my plans to kill myself were originally discovered) and my symptoms are all over the place. I've been suicidal and self-harming at various points in my life, sometimes because the voices tell me to, sometimes because I feel that my life has no meaning or value, and sometimes cause I think its the only way to convince my family that calling me an abomination is actually not a good plan, as mentioned above I hear voices, and I've given them names for some absurd reason and they occasionally tell me to kill (which I know is so stereotypical of crazy people, but I don't care because fuck stereotypes), I've been addicted to prescription drugs, street drugs, alcohol, tobacco and even things that aren't substances, I have visual/tactile hallucinations, I've been homicidal to varying degrees, i'm very anxious about a lot of things and will literally check to see that my wallet hasn't fallen out of my pocket every ten seconds, I sometimes feel paranoid that someone's watching me/implanting thoughts into my head/plotting to kill me (and most often that someone is a harmless household object like a coffee maker) and I spend the majority of time walking in circles. literally. it helps me think, I have no idea why. and I like to light things on fire, have no idea if this is related to MI or not. also, I have tons of trauma from my fucked up family, but i'll spare you the details since i'm already rambling. as for who I am, I am just strange, and tend to produce polarizing reactions from people, because i'm very opinionated and my opinions happen to be non-conventional as i'm a card-carrying Marxist (and without making this longer than it is already no this does not mean I am a Stalinist/want to send you to the gulag/kill babies) who is also occasionally an anarchist (and no this does not mean I throw bombs/bricks/Molotov cocktails at police/Starbucks windows/nowhere in particular) and always a feminist and atheist. i'm queer and have a tendency to rant about queer-related things though I generally just say i'm gay/a lesbian when in the presence of straight people because for some reason the word queer makes them uncomfortable (or maybe its the ensuing lectures on the politics of self-identifying for non- heterosexual/cisgender individuals that I tend to give). some people say i'm intelligent because I skipped grade 12/am going to college on a scholarship/get really high grades/use words like "neo-liberalization" correctly in everyday conversation, other people say i'm an idiot because of the massive amounts of criminal activity I once engaged in/I have never been employed/my genuine (and supposedly naïve) believe that human society can one day be based on something other than shittiness. feel free to make you're own judgements. my current goals are to find the right level of medication(s), download every Dead Kennedys song ever, finish one of the multiple novels i'm writing but never seem to make past the fifth chapter and to continue writing strongly worded letters to politicians I despise in the hopes I can get more than just one to respond. I live in Canada, which sometimes I love because socialized healthcare = free meds for me, but sometimes I hate because Stephen Harper exists, and continues to exist, and to put people like me on lists with white supremacists which only makes me more paranoid. I've read the rules, and even though I tend to read rules only so I can figure out how best to break/mock/scorn them, I admire the sense of humour/general awesomeness of CB so I will for once submit myself to the impositions of a hierarchical structure and actually follow rules and oh yeah, i'm 17, so yes, young and inexperienced and new to everything, including being officially MI. although not new to being crazy. and as hugely long as this post already is (which I apologize for, I tend to have too much to say), just so nobody gets offended/misinterprets (which happens a lot), the first quote in my signature is NOT intended to convey the sentiment that MI is not an actual illness, just that being designated as MI can lead people to act like you have no autonomy/ability, and the second last quote is also NOT supposed to indicate that people choose to be crazy and can stop at any time they want, but is just me being my strange political self and hating on America.
  10. Hi guys, I'm Kat and I've been looking through the boards in the past and decided to finally register It's taken 11 years but was finally diagnosed with Bipolar I, BPD, complex-PTSD, GAD and Depression at the start of the year. Hope to speak to some of you guys soon K x
  11. My name is Lux, and I am a 23-year-old force of nature. I make money as a bike messenger and freelance reporter. In my spare time, I like to write fiction, dabble in photography, and watch quality films. I have been in psychiatric treatment since I was 14. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anorexia, bulimia, alcohol addiction (recovered), and a dissociative disorder. I have been on nearly every psychotropic drug there is (quite literally). I have been in mental hospitals and eating disorders hospitals about six or seven times. I currently just got out of a six-week stay at an eating disorders facility. This time, I am truly very motivated to get better and working hard at it, although it is a struggle. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/gallery/image/6533-there-goes-my-soul-again/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/gallery/image/6535-image/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/gallery/image/6534-dolled-up/
  12. Er, hello. I'm Jess Ampersand and I fear I'm mentally unstable. Currently on Bupropion XL 450mg, which seems to not be working. I've always though I was depressed, but I don't recall any doctor ever telling me if that's accurate. As being new to this place, I kind of wonder if anyone has been as confused as I am about human interaction, the effects of the medication I'm taking, and whatever else might apply. Uhm, well, on a lighter note, I'm a mediocre artist (primarily drawing). Yeah. Is that all?
  13. Yesterday I found the board while looking up side effects from a new med, and haven't been far from it since, reading and reading and reading. I intro'd myself briefly in a post I made yesterday, but I feel like doing this for real. So, I'm new. I've never done this before, and when I say "this" I mean: 1. Joined a board, 2. Joined a support group, 3. Let anyone know anything private about myself. No Groups, no nothing. Don't even talk about it with my wife much since I don't want to burden her with my problems. So why now? I guess that's why I'm writing this intro. I'm 39, have a wife, a kid (whom I adore), a great job at which I excel (I am a consultant project manager, selling and running pretty large scale projects) and have everything in control. I have a very, very, very, VERY hard time admitting to myself that I am also MI, fairly recently diagnosed, with ongoing diagnosis changes, and probably have been my whole life but never sought help. Except for 2 or 3 breakdown points in the past, I've always managed to keep it together, keep the facade up that I have control over everything going on around me, and only one of those breakdowns was bad enough that I acted on it, and the only action was to run away from life rather than actually active execute any type of self harm as I was thinking, and that was 15 years ago. So I've GOT it, right? Screw the world, I'm able to hold up my end. I'm admitting to myself indirectly by admitting it to you anonymous friends out there that I HAVEN'T got it. I'm fucking frightened to death that someone (including my wife) is going to see through my false front to the pathetic me that I feel like is hiding behind that front. I have to come to grips with admitting my problems. My "problems" are these: About a year ago, I was "depressed" for a good bit over 6 or 7 months. Angry, sharp, bitingly sarcastic (I do that one really well), mopey, bitchy, mean. Also, regular panic attacks (multiple daily), regular minor panic incidents (many many daily). My wife finally managed to get me to go see a Psych Doc, which I had resisted my entire life, since I've got control (also have a BS in Psychology hahahaha a BS in BS). I was diagnosed a little over a year ago with General Anxiety Disorder. Scrip for Celexa and Xanax, come back every month to check up. Xanax did a fantastic job of getting rid of those panic attacks. Between regular dosing and then spot pills for when a panic attack happened, I was cruising. Doc put me on extended release Xanax, which made me feel a bit better since it has less of a "junkie" feeling about it (I was starting to watch the clock when taking my Xanax, like "can I take one yet? can I take one yet?" that scared the pants off me... I was in control, so no drug is going to be in control of me!). So I was OK, I could deal with having a panic disorder. No biggy, daily pills, don't have to admit anything to anyone, I was back in control. Life got better. Shitty job felt less shitty when I wasn't having to hide 3 panic attacks a day, you know? Still pretty down in general, still lots of rapid mood swings, overreacting to stuff, but I had control. I even found a new job, and we moved 5 states away to a NICE place rather than one of the most depressing places in the US to live. Moving meant, of course, a new doc. Picked one almost at random from the selection from my insurance co, went to see her and (let me tell you, she is a PURE pdoc, no light therapy from this one like the previous one) her reaction was "wow you take a lot of Xanax (it was like 3 mg / day in total) and it still isn't doing anything for your mood problems. We need to think about something else". Which actually I was thinking too, because I was no longer feeling cool inside, I felt like a fucking mess. Cycling mood swings, sleeping less, hit with insomnia again (boy do I hate that). She decided to move me off Xanax to Klonopin. Did that for a month, didn't like it as much, but it kept the panic attacks away. It did allow a bunch of the rest of my issues to show up again, probably they were hidden under a bath of Xanax. So we added Abilify. Did that for 1 month, hated it... with Klonopin, Celexa, and Abilify I felt like I was back to before square one. Changed the mix, went back to Xanax XR and Celexa, and added Lamictal for mood control. Kind of liked that but 2 weeks on the dot into the Lamictal treatment I suddenly wake up with the rash-of-death covering 30% of my body. It turned out to NOT be the Stevens-Johnson Syndrome rash-of-death, but we dropped Lamictal, put me on Saphris, and here I am for 3 days now. So where I am now is still diagnosed GAD, suspected-and-probably-about-to-be-diagnosed BP (I think it is probably right), and that freaks me out. That is, like, for real, you know? I don't think that integrates well with my self image of being in control. I don't know what to do with that fact, and it scares me... I actually think I might be more scared of the fact that I don't know how to make BP fit as part of my puzzle than anything else. I feel like I am changing, and don't know what I'm changing to, and I also feel like I don't have fucking control over what I'm changing to, where, why, how I'm changing, etc. and I HATE that! So, my intro to you: I'm a crazy who is trying to assimilate what it means to be a crazy into my self image. I'm a control freak who has no control, and I don't exactly know what to do from here. You folks on the boards seem so honest, so maybe I can be too. Thanks for listening. :/
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