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Found 31 results

  1. Hi there! Recently a new girl has started work, and I've taken a liking to her. The trouble with this is that I've walled myself off from other people for around 7 years. I've been managing to deal with my illness by not talking to other people, not having friends, not having a partner. I wasn't looking for anything with this new girl, but unfortunately, my body has had other ideas. I've been hit by a wave of emotions for her that I'm just not able to deal with. What makes it worse is that she's been seeing a guy for 14 years and there's no chance that we will ever get together. I think that she was attracted to me when we first started talking; I don't think that she would want to go out with me still, but life isn't black and white. I was flattered that she was like this, but I didn't push the issue, I knew how things were. On the mood scale chart that I keep seeing everywhere, I'm normally between 5-8. Since this has all started. Since her turning me down, I'm now between 2-5 most of the time, I think I've dipped down to 1 twice in the last couple of months. With my mood being all over the place, it is becoming more difficult to talk to her and I think she's pushing me away now; I can see things from her perspective and I can't blame her. Recently, she's been smiling at someone else in the office that isn't me and I'm having difficulty with it. It all feels so stupid, but I've now let someone have too much power over me and it is keeping my mood low. I don't know how to get out of this. I'm worried that if it continues I will need to take time off work and if that happens I might lose my job, my house, etc. I need help! Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can move on more quickly? Has anyone dealt with similar issues?
  2. Hello, I just joined, so I apologize if this has been talked about before... it took me a decent while to find a forum online I felt comfortable being a part of. I must admit, the swear words in your writing made me feel right at home haha Anywho, the idea of having this forum accessible from an easy to use application would be amazing! That way, when we are on the go, it may be easier to flow through the app and respond to others. Just a thought. And of course, I’m a bit manic today, so I just had to let you know thanks!
  3. Error... thanks
  4. Ok let’s get started, so I have a crush on a boy in my year. I like him a lot but I can’t find any ways to get close to him. He is normally surrounded by people and I get embarrassed. I also get sad when I haven’t said anything to them at least once a day. Even a small ‘hi’ helps. The only time they are alone is when they are walking home. I could walk home and walk with him but there’s these problems: 1) My dad picks us up since he is a stay at home dad. By us I mean me and my brother. 2) The way he walks is different to how I would, so I would have to figure out a way but I’m willing too. I’m going to try and walk home with him. I’ll use my phone as a map then once we have walked close enough I can say I’ve accidentally went the wrong way. Since it will be random how I’m suddenly walking with him I’ll make sure to say a reason why. Thank you and does anyone have any advice?
  5. Sometimes I think that life would be easier if I was still friendless and alone and mostly alright. Because I love these people, but boy is having friends hard work. And I'm just so tired.
  6. My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection. His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior). I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases. But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going. Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt. I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him. I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me. Feedback, love, and support would be great.
  7. Hello! I just wanted to know people's experiences with antidepressants and romantic love for someone. I know they can affect libido but I was concerned about how you feel for someone. I was just started on Zoloft about 2 weeks ago and was very concerned on this topic because of personal reasons. Basically, me and someone that means the world to me split because we need to work on ourselves. He still cares and sportively comes over each week and there is hope for the future. But I get worried that this drug will mess with that and eat feelings and destroy it. I don't want that to happen. Some people claim that it doesn't and then (while I know maybe I shouldn't, I still do) I look to the internet for reassurance and get scared, especially about Zoloft. Any experiences? Does it blunt emotions? Or helps because you feel better? Good or bad because I'm searching for truth so I can decide if I want to take another approach because dang I love him and I don't want this person medicated out of my life. <:(
  8. Not many of you know me, infact probably none of you. But I just picked myself up off the kitchen floor where I had been laying in my own tears and snot for hours, so I figured at least trying to write something out might be helpful. And where better to do that than somewhere people might actually understand and not tell me to get over it?. So here it goes. My name is eleni delacour (yes the suicidal bullied girl from bbc news -sigh-, )I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd and lately a while lot of migraines. I grew up around crime, my mum was a drug dealer and dad and stepdad both abusers, bla bla bla you get the jist. I spent years not being able to handle physical contact and being afraid of the outside world. 7 years ago I moved to England thinking my life would change. Well it did but it didn't improve, school bullies changed faces but kept their cruelty, my mum got a legit job but still lied and became a hypocrit. So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. I still was mentally ill and I got worse, panic attacks began suicidal attempts were constantly on my thoughts... again you get the jist. 5 years ago I met someone who changed my life for the better, he forced me into hugs not drugs, he made me fall madly inlove with him. Hooray happily ever after! Not! To this day he is the most amazing person in my life. But the rest of my life is crashing down around me, I finally found my reason to live, and it's slowly becoming my reason to die. 4 years ago I had a mental breakdown at work and lost my job, they put me on strong medication and signed me 'unfit'for work. I was still living with my mother who insisted I went on benefits even though I really didn't want to take money from the goverment. So yay, I had money. I paid rent to my mum and stayed in my room most of the time, out of the way and best of all away from people. But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone. But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone. After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt. So after a few months her and her new boyfriend decide they are done with responsibilities. My sister and I were given a date to move out by because my mum decided we were old enough to look after ourselves. Fair enough. But being unemployed, unfit for work, drugged up, depressed, and just downright nowhere near ready didn't matter to her. My boyfriend, the truly amazing man that he is moved out of his mother's and we got a flat together to save me from the fate of homelessness, and suicidal behaviour at the thought of losing my cats (They are my children. Don't judge) and one has brain damage and would be put down if not cared for. And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today. We can barely survive on what we have but they just want more from us. And I'm still not allowed to work. I think I'm due another mental breakdown. The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden. I feel like all I am doing is costing people money and making their lives difficult. I don't know if it sounds nuts or not considering I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But i want to die, I want to die because I feel like it would be best for him. Without me he could afford to live and not just survive. I'm stuck in a shot storm and there's nothing I can do to make anything better except cut the head off the snake. I am the root of the problems and I need to go. It's the only logical thing I could do to fix this. But I can't bring myself to do it because of how much it would hurt him. But sometimes the things that are best for us don't make us happy, he wouldn't be happy for a while but he would be able to live. Ha and to think I was worried about Christmas!
  9. I'm not really dating this guy, but we're in the talking stage, we've been talking since October 17th. We don't have tons in common, but when we first met i felt a spark. And that first night, the idea of sleeping in the same bed made me upset honestly. Like i've never hated the idea so much. We've had a few fights, started by me...oops? I get paranoid easy and keep thinking he's ignoring because I'm kind of clingy. But I don't feel the butterflies as much as I did in the beginning. We have a good sex life, we have the same morals, and I see myself having kids with guy and getting married later on. The thought of leaving him DESTROYS me and makes me wanna cry. At one point it didn't but now it does, it really does. I feel like he's all I know. I had this same problem with my first real boyfriend in the beginning. We have our first date this coming weekend and i'm actually super excited. He loves me for me, and has no problem with how I look or act. The good thing about us being opposite is i' m like a turtle in a shell and he is trying to break me of that. He's a country boy and i'm like a goth/metalhead. I like this different lifestyle I get introduced to, and I really wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him. I really only get butterflies when I see him, and I'm not...fighting with him. I've read so many articles that it's normal to not feel the butterflies after awhile but I know with my paranoid schizo and bpd...and anxiety...and not being on my meds...for..weeks...oops..probably doesn't help. HELP?!
  10. I’m caught up between my boyfriend and my ex. I spent the night with my ex the other night due to some family issues and I just needed out of the house. My ex is caught up into some bad stuff. Drugs, selling, drinking, smoking weed. There’s never really a time he’s TRULY sober. When I spent the night my boyfriend didn’t want us sharing the bed, but we did. His excuse was I don’t want another man in bed with my girlfriend yet his friend laid on the bed when he left so we could watch OITNB together. My ex cuddled me that night, and started to get me in the mood by rubbing my legs….it felt so amazing but I didn’t give in. I even had him meet my boyfriend before that night so he’d know who I was staying the night with. I fantasized about my ex, I still do, I just wanted his hands and lips all over my body…..but he screwed me over in the past when he left me for his ex. Last night, I got into it with my boyfriend. I put everything on the table. He knows I still like my ex and redeveloped feelings for him. I didn’t plan to, no one plans these things. My boyfriend is very shy and reserved. And totally not confrontational, so that’s something that doesn’t make me feel safe….what if something were to happen and I needed him to defend me? He’s so sweet and god to me. He reminds me how beautiful I am. He helps me with my family issues and my anxiety and depression. Etc. Last night when I was upset and crying I was at a friends house, and he was going to walk there when I was upset in the wee hours of the morning so I’d feel better. I wanted him or my ex. No one else… I see my boyfriend and I having a life together, kids, etc. He works, he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and he’s an overall good guy. I got mad at him for not ever getting mad at me for one, last night. Because of what happened with my ex and I. He said it’s because he trusts me, which is great but he can still get mad….I didn’t do anything with my ex. Believe me, I wanted to. But I held off….right now my ex and I are kind of mad at each other, again. We do this every time. We fight, forgive each other and are fine again. And it’s over and over….My BPD makes me attach to people easily, so when one person isn’t giving me attention and someone else is, there I go getting attached. My boyfriend’s roommate won’t let me see him at their place anymore, he’s working when I’m not. Or I’m in school when he’s not working. One of us is in the mood when the other isn’t. He’s the first and only guy I’ve slept with and my first real adult relationship. I’m his first girlfriend since he is so quiet and reserved too./….I don’t wanna give my boyfriend up because I’m pretty sure guys like him are dime a dozen and I don’t think I could find that again. I’m totally comfortable around him too. I’m semi comfortable with my ex since we didn’t last as long….this is also the longest relationship I’ve had. Coming up to a year… What should I do…? I feel like I’m hurting him…
  11. I am nineteen years old and I haven't told my parents that I love them in eleven years. I also can't call them the traditional "mom" or "dad", but rather silly nicknames I came up with as a young child. This is confusing, especially since they are good parents. I have never been abused (by them, at least). Neither has an alcohol problem. Neither fight. I essentially am living with the Brady Bunch. Several of my friends have died in freak accidents over the years (my two best friends were killed within two years of each other when I was in elementary school, for one thing). I was abused in every sense of the world by my step grandfather. I've been in an and out of psychiatric institutions since the beginning of high school - yet, I was always visited. I was always cared about. Strings were pulled so that I could be transferred to better facilities, the works. I don't get it and most people I've talked to say the same thing: "give them a hug, for once, Bethany. Just say it. They'll be so happy." But I can't. When is the right time to say that I love someone after not doing it for so long? Do I love them? I should. I have been so blessed. I can't say it and I can't give any logical explanation for why I stopped saying those words and why I can't go back to saying them again. It all feels foreign in my mouth. Any general insight? I know I didn't give a very detailed overview; however, I didn't want to get too wordy and start on a ramble fest, which I am famous for doing. Does anyone else have the same or a similar problem? Thoughts, please.
  12. So, I have both researched and assessed myself to be, and verified the situation with my therapist recently that I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. Yes, the yeti of attachment styles both anxious and avoidant. I'm pretty sure I started out with an anxious attachment, and developed the avoidant behavior as a defense mechanism because of how badly that style worked out for me. It built walls over time. I have decided that I want to fix this situation. Both fortunately and unfortunately I've recently started a promising relationship for the first time in years. We have a breakfast date in 6 hours, the 4th date this week, though we've known each other to some extent for almost 6 weeks. Things are great, and I REALLY want to be fixed and "secure" by breakfast right now . The more things go well, the scarier it becomes though. Every time we get past another "milestone" (for lack of a better word) I'm relieved, but then worry about messing up the next step. We've only recently even held hands or kissed, so sex isn't an issue really. As advised by my therapist I'm being cognizant of my irrational thinking that makes me insecure, and evasive when I don't want to be. I'm just having trouble stopping the preoccupation with how to handle the next text or date. I know that I have no reason to feel worried about the relationship at this point; he's smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, and totally crazy about me. Unfortunately I've not yet mastered the art of being able to stop thinking about what I've said, he's said, what or how I'm going to say something or handle a situation, or what he's going to say or do, always with the fear that he's going to discover who I "really am" and not like me anymore. There are some reasons to be concerned about relationship viability in the future because of known differences in political and religious beliefs. We have discussed that him being Conservative and me being Liberal is probably an issue, but we're not talking about it (though we graze topics frequently, and reroute the conversation) because we wanted to see if anything was there if we didn't, and THERE IS ! But I'm scared that those beliefs represent important core beliefs that will become deal breakers once addressed head on . I initially wanted to address the issues right away to just get that out of the way, but then things went well, and I don't want to ruin it now. I smile whenever we're together, and when we talk; he makes me laugh a lot ! Isn't that what's important? We have so many other things in common too. Not the least of which is that this is what we've both been looking for in a relationship and mutual chemistry . We've both been looking for someone that makes us feel this way for too long without much luck. Why should I sabotage it for Obama, Climate change, FOX, or minimum wage ? I can't even put into words how conflicted I am about that last sentence . I wonder if other people would be... This is why this is a topic post and not a diary entry, I can't always tell what's a worry based on my maladaptive thinking related to anxious/avoidant attachment, anxiety, what-have you's of insecurity, and what's worth worrying about or not . I want very badly to have a healthy relationship with this person I don't want to screw it up not based on if we're right for each other or not, but because of my perceprtions of insecurity, abandonment, and rejection . I feel like it could be really great in a lot of ways. I'm afraid in a lot of ways too though. Can anyone make any suggestions on how to perhaps look at things differently to cope with anxiety and worry that I know is unfounded or irrational or comment specifically on fixing an anxious attachment style? Or... well I guess comment on the political “issues”? I am already working on the whole be aware of my thoughts and feelings as to recognize as much as I can what isn't real or rational anyway. I'm just starting the process, but I want to do it right with this guy. He deserves a good person who will appreciate him, and treat him well as much as I do. Anybody out there?
  13. It's originally here though I'll add the short part where i spoke about crazy boards and where I had linked back to this fascinating site. "Do you know that in my search to find like minded people who actually ‘get’ my words…I came across a forum called crazyboards. This forum basically represents normal people going through life who have been ‘Diagnosed’ with different ‘syndromes and illnesses’ based on how they feel/think and how they deal with their emotions. They have genuinely authentic symptoms; both mental and physical and some are on different medications. Now that’s fine, the point I’m trying to make here is that when you go through life being absolutely ‘honest’ with how you feel/are, you end up being ‘categorised’. Whether intentionally or unintentionally. When I read their comments, they sound like ‘normal’ people to me, because guess what, they ARE! I felt like the odd one out on the board because I’m not on meds nor have I seen a physiatrist. Yet their ‘dialogues’ and ‘emotions’ were more ‘real’ and made more ‘sense’ to me them more than half the people I sometimes meet in a week! Simply because they’re being ‘genuine’ about who they are and what they feel. Even though have been ‘set aside’ (in a sense) to be so. So yes. In a judgmental society I Do feel sh*t scared about displaying my (acceptable) inner thoughts and feelings." Hope you liked the excerpt x
  14. This is a long story but I will keep it simple, I'm just looking for some feedback. I am nearing my forties and have always been the type of guy who likes to date and move on never settling down with a girl. However about 2 years ago I went out with someone and it just felt different. There was just a connection and we fell in love. Then basically out of nowhere she just stopped talking to me, blamed me for trivial things and broke my heart. I was devastated and just thought of her constantly, knowing that she was done with me and could move forward. She has some mental problems and so do I. She reached out to me last week to "test my feelings". Well we met talked some things over, had sex and agreed to try take things slow to get back together. I never stopped loving her but she stopped loving me. Am I stupid to do this again? Am I setting myself up to get my heart broken again? Does or did she ever really love me? Can I really take it slow? I'm so confussed yet happy at the same time. Why can't I just move on
  15. Hello, Please note I had to say this pleas for the love of the members of this forum, this is the last suggestion thank you so much . CrazyBoards :: -> Night Nurse Our chivalry men, and our women of princesses, if they wish to become a Night Nurse on crazyboards. - Medals (medals given out when they save people) - Group System - etc .... Lets say someone starts posting they are deeply depressed, really in a bad situation, then our night nurses will move in and post to make them feel happy. the main objective is to INCREASE THE HAPPYINESS BY 100% !!!! ******** Example of a post: (people should also post nice images to them via pm/gallery and mainly in the post. such as loco roco, butterfly's, beautiful happy painting , etc. **** **** I THINK WE may only understand all of it, if we listen to the music posted below
  16. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on0bAfbLALQ
  17. Hey Ya'll So I have Bipolar 1 with GAD I have family members who do not understand bipolar, and one of them is my mother who has experience in the medical field even psych. Sadly, she still has the stereotype view of bipolar. I would love any recommended books for loved ones of bipolar...that you felt was a great book to give to your parents, aunt/uncle, or even significant other. Hope to hear some recommendation soon...And thanx for replying.
  18. I crave love and affection so bad I want to fall to my knees hug myself rock soothe myself and cry. I just... I feel insane. I have an unstable identity. I go from goth to emo to flapper (Me now) to lesbian to straight to bisexual to Christian to Pagan to Satanist to BLAH-and these are just off the top of my head there are plenty more where they came from-looking for it by fitting in with a group (Basically finding it in the group). I suffered from neglect my first 15 months of life by my emotionally unstable (Possibly bipolar) birth mom (I am now adopted). My therapist thinks this is the cause of a lot of my issues subconsciously though I have yet to talk to her of this. I still have communication with her but of course she denies these things even though there are 2 written testimonies-one from her mother (My grandma) who loves her dearly and her grandma (My great grandma) who also loves her dearly-neglect from court (I have them). And my Aunt who baby sat me (No blood relation to her-she's from my dad side-whom my mom divorced) is a a good visual. My adopted parents also said when they got me I looked like I had never been bathed. I just want to be loved and cared for. It makes me want to break down. The worst part is... When I do get love. It doesn't work. It's not enough. It works but like... only for a short time. Then it comes back. I feel.... emptiness.... I feel so messed up. I just want to be stable and me-though I've gotten so confused trying to be loved I have a hard time telling the difference between those attempts and who I am. Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?
  19. Faye

    hallelujah

    From the album: Love

    I am Christian, but that doesn't mean that life is any easier for me. I am struggling with self injury and depression which is to say I am a broken and imperfect person too. But the reason I am still living is because of Jesus, and what he did on the cross for me. The fact that He loves me so much keeps me going. So I just want to say, He loves you so much too, and wants to see you free from whatever you are going through. Life is a journey, and there will be extremely hard times. But I know there is a great plan for you, even though we can't always see it. <3
  20. Hi. This is my first post and I would appreciate an outside perspective/opinion. Early last year I moved into a flat-share. I got on very well with on of the girls. We spent a lot of time together hanging and became very, very good friends quickly. After a while, we became involved with each other and quickly enough our relationship grew stronger and more meaningful. So meaningful that I asked her to marry me at the turn of the year. She said yes. Since then, things have changed every so slightly. We argue a lot now and very easily. To me she seems to be more sensitive – when compared to before I asked her. Also, I sense some attempts to control me. Again I don’t know which is why I need an outsiders opinion. Since we got engaged, as I mentioned, we argue a lot now and very easily. With time the arguing has become worse/more regular. At first, I’d say she wasn’t ‘that’ sensitive and now she seems more sensitive. If I say something wrong or do something wrong i.e. - If I am answering a work phone call after work, she will tell me to put it down. If I say no, I cant, its work, she will become upset. When I do finish the phone call, she has to know all details immediately and why I had to answer the call (only my line manager – the CEO (small company) will call me after work). My response is usually - sorry, its my boss and its work. - Another example, if I say ‘I love you’, she always says ‘I love you more’. If I don’t respond she will say, way to let a girl know that you care for her… then she will be upset. (I also hate the fact she says that, very nice thing to say to your fiancé) - Final example, slightly different – I was asked by friends to go out for a drink. This was the first time ever in our relationship – I live in a different city to my friends. We had a week long argument about it where she was saying things like – I am inclined not to like these people. I don’t know these people so how do I know if you’re going to be ok. So how long will you be out for? When will you be back? That night I came home early to avoid an argument. But she still started one. I feel like I have to answer any questions she asks with the exact answer she is expected otherwise she will be upset with me so now when I do answer her question I stutter a bit in fear of her becoming upset… omg I have just realised what I am typing… grow a set of balls! One thing I find she does as well is when im texting she will ask who I am texting if she cant see the screen of my phone. When I say who she will ask what they wanted – is it me or is that normal (oh and this is every text – actually, if my phone vibrates she will say you’ve got a text. Halve the time its an email (clear to me by one vibration) and if I say no it’s a vibration, she will become irate with me). An example was last night, she was on the ipad playing a card game. I received a text from my uncle and started texting back. I knew she had stopped playing and started watching me because she had the sound on the ipad turned on and I couldn’t hear any cards being dealt, etc… whilst I was texting. As soon as I stopped, the cards started making noises again. Furthermore to that, if I am on facebook (very rarely) and I am reading the latest ‘news feed’, she WILL say to any update from a girl who could be classed as attractive as ‘a dirty slut’ – the usual line is ‘why are you friends with so many slutty girls’… WTF! These are ppl I went to school with. I've not seen 95% of my 'facebook friends' since then! One girl I had to state in ‘What capacity’ I knew the girl – she is dating a guy I played football with who is a twin… she was not impressed with my answer and so… became upset with me and since has asked me about it and (to me) is clearly looking for inconsistencies in my answers. Oh and appraently all the girls i work with (four in total) are all sluts (well except on - she is mid fourties, has a husband and two kids). The other three are either between 1 to 6 years older than me. If she slags one of them off and i say thats a bit harsh... 'why are you defending her!' 'You're taking her side over mine' (firstly WTF have they done to you, secondly they are not here! How can i take their side - you are arguing with yourself). Despite all over the above (examples) I do love her because she is sooo much fun to be with and we laugh so much. I have said to a handful of ppl that she is me, just with different parts… Last weekend she terrified me… when we first started dating she was anti-depressants, after 4 months she came off them. She know believes she needs to go back on them – first mentioned a few weeks back. I asked her if she would delay that to see if this is something we to deal with together without medication – I know nothing about depression and was relying on her knowledge etc. She say ok. At the weekend, we were lying in bed until she got up and sat on the floor. She then started to bang the back of her head against the wall. I immediately jumped up and asked what was wrong, told her to stop it etc. My ‘sudden’ interest in her (?!?!?!?) compelled her to say – why are you worried, what are you hiding (not the exact words but also conveys the msg). I was confused and had no idea what she was talking about. I felt like she started to verbally attack me whilst I was still confused. We ended squabbling until she told me to fuck off so I went into the other bedroom to sleep. She barged in immediately and started shouting again saying you don’t care, etc, etc, etc. She locked herself in the bathroom and started crying. I felt terrible because she was upset and I thought it was because of me so I went to see her. She let me into the bathroom where I hugged her from behind whilst she faced into the corner of the room. She continued saying things like, you don’t love me, you don’t care about anyone but you, I told you I needed to go back on anti-depressants BUT YOU WOULDN’T LET ME (fucking lie!). She then started saying that I was cruel for not letting her go on the anti-depressants (you’re cruel, you’re cruel, you say nasty things)… I finally managed to calm her down and get her back in bed. Just before we went to sleep she said ‘Well done, you deserve to sleep well’.I asked her what she meant coz I had no idea what she was talking about. She said ‘with your technical skills – you know work’ … WTF!?!? I did not sleep well that night. Since then if feels like theres an elephant in the room constantly and we cant talk about it because she gets so upset. I do not know what to do! And I am freaked out! This is not the person I asked to marry me! Definitely not! WTF! She has admitted on several occasions that she has abandonment issues to which I was let her know I will always be there for her. She also says she loves me too much and that when she is not with me i.e. if I am away with work, that she panics so much that she is always on the verge of a panic attack. Please help me. By no means am I perfect i.e. I get defensive now when she gets upset or is being what I class as overly sensitive. Im now very quick to boil over. I've never know myself to be like this, its unreal! I feel like im carrying a bag of anger with me at all times - i dont like it. But she just isnt the person I asked to marry me. She has also thrusted the ring back in my face twice… WTF! I am exhausted by her constant need for reassurance, her obsessiveness, her sensitivity. It doesn’t feel like I am in a relationship anymore. I know all relationships have tough times but my last one last 6 years and there was many of those during that. I've actually has a cheeky look at available flat/flatshares. I dont want to break up with her as i want to work at this! but i am exhausted and she has said that she won't stop caring for me so much and wont change her way. I asked her to marry me! I also made a promise to her parents when i told them of my intention (to ask her to marry me) - i said i'd care for her. They are living abroad at the moment and her father said they were thinking about moving back because of her (to care for her/be there for her). He said that they are releaved that she has found someone who cares for her so much. Help! She doesn't like therapy, she has been there before and walked out immediately. I dont think she'll agree to that. She is too head strong. Im sorry that this is sooooo long and that there will be an unbelievable amount of errors! Sorry
  21. Angeni Mai

    Little Boy II

    From the album: Animal pictures

    More of Ne-Yo

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

  22. From the album: Animal pictures

    My pure Pom playing in the snow on 1/2/ 2011

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

  23. Angeni Mai

    Ol' Henry

    From the album: Animal pictures

    One of the horses on the farm

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

  24. Angeni Mai

    Little Boy

    From the album: Animal pictures

    Photo shoot with my Baby Boy

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

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