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I'm a better person when I'm drunk. I know this isn't a good way to think but it's probably true. The reason is that I can't stand myself when I'm sober, and in order to be able to offer anything to another person you need to believe that you have something to offer. One of the main reasons for hating myself is the depression and the life it's made me lead. Self harm scars and the countless times I've thought about killing myself. It's always been a part of me but it's a part that I don't want to accept. But shutting out a part of yourself makes you feel like you aren't a real person, and you can't just shut out the bad, it's all or nothing and if you shut yourself off from misery then you also shut yourself off from happiness. Self acceptance and self compassion have always sounded like good ideas. Here's a story. When I was very young I started cutting myself and my parents eventually found out. Not the best response from them. Didn't stop cutting but learnt that I'm a freak and no-one will understand or love me for being this way. If your parents won't offer you kindness and compassion then why would anyone else? Oh poor little me. But it set a pattern. It's wrong to feel like this and no-one will love you if you do. I'm older now and I realise how shit my parents were, but I can't say that I've got over this feeling. Release the drunken Kraken! When me and the monster are drunk enough we can get along and I can feel like a complete human being for a while. I'm sure that many people have had much more traumatic lives than me, but there's so much that I don't want to remember.