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  1. I woke up this morning, feeling panic overwhelming me over a negative response from my neighbor. The emotion I am experiencing is deep distress and I can feel it internally crushing me. I am not coping at all well with this. I find myself drawn to her because we share a common trauma background. Sometimes she comes to my apartment just to talk about all this and I feel soo connected to her. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that she has some borderline traits in her - it's the push away and suddenly pull back. She acts like she hates me and suddenly she loves me and tells me s
  2. I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development
  3. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  4. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  5. I have abused alcohol since I was 15, and things got completely out of control starting in 2002. At my peak consumption, I was downing over 40 drinks a day. That was late 2013/early 2014. I have tried desperately to stop, or at least cut back, but I've always ended up spiraling out of control again. I somehow managed 74 days dry once, but mostly it was a week or less, and then I was back to drinking morning, noon, and night again, day in and day out. A few months back, I read an article about a doctor who treated his patients with naltrexone. But instead of taking it every day, his patients ju
  6. I've had a history of self harm since seventh grade, and when my mom found out about it she used to do body checks. She used to make me show her mybody so she would know if ive hurt myself or not. The whole situation is very uncomfortable and made me feel 10x more insecure than i was.Although i know she was only doing it to protect and make sure i was okay,i was wondering if it was some kind of abuse or damaging when someone does that?
  7. [TW: Brief/abstract mention of abuse/abusers] So, we've been getting a mix of outright-nightmares and intensely-vivid-dreams that are still on the "that was uncomfortable/disconcerting/constant-anxiety" spectrum, to the point of being often afraid to go to bed as a result. Abusers appear commonly, but far from "always", and PTSD nightmares were a thing we used to get that mostly faded.. A lot of these aren't related to them in any way I can see. Usually we get at least 2 'bad dreams' a night, sometimes more, often due to the "wake up a little early/on time, fall back asleep" thing, but often n
  8. Hi there, I'm new to this, so I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong place, rambles, etc. I have a new dx from my counselor, one that no one has ever mentioned to me, C-PTSD. I am waiting for a pdoc and have an appointment that was scheduled 3 months out...so, I'm pretty much treading water here. C-PTSD makes sense, I've had all forms of trauma that I know of. Believe it or not, I just realized a couple weeks ago that an 11 year old, cannot consent to sex (so add sex abuse to my list of childhood traumas). But, I believed it was my anxiety & depression that held me down. I
  9. 4 years ago is when it ended completely, the drug abuse that is. I started when I was 18 and did so on and off. I abused over the counter medications, which was really all I could get my hands on, but the amount I used to take baffles me. I would give amounts, but I am not sure if that is appropriate on here. If it is alright, I will tell you guys. Anyway, I took a lot in a single setting many, many times over a few years on and off. The worst was when I was 18, then I stopped for almost a year before picking up the habit again, but even remotely as bad or often. To this day, I cannot ta
  10. All kinds of trigger warnings here. Also, if you are bipolar or have strong feelings about it you may want to give this one a miss. A lot of what I'm going to say might be hurtful or offensive, tho I certainly don't mean that towards anyone here. My mother has type 1 bipolar disorder. I know it's true, it makes perfect sense. She was white knuckling for years, before she got diagnosed, self medicating, hiding her paranoid delusions. I got out 3yrs ago and planned to never speak to her again. I was a kid, I didn't know why she was screaming/ sobbing/ ranting...abusing/ neglecting/begging me fo
  11. this is going to be long but i really need someones help, or advice, or experience. im an emotional wreck. so let me give some background information. Ive been on antidepressants since I was 15. I also suffer from anxiety. Ive been on zoloft before and effexor xr. I stopped effexor xr a few months back and switched to wellbutrin. Effexor was making me tired, fat, and just dulled me. It was then my pdoc suggested wellbutrin xr. From the start it was a hard medication for me to adjust to, but I really wanted it to work so I gave it a try. After a month or two I felt great. The side effects we
  12. I need to see a therapist or someone. I need to know what's going on and I need to get better. The problem is that my parents are never going to let that happen. I'm 17 and in my state I can seek my own medical care, but I'm homeschooled and my parents are very controlling. I don't think I can get away long enough to even make it to the nearest tdoc. And then there's the money issue: I have some, but my parents will see the transaction immediately and I'll never hear the end of it. What I would honestly like to do is leave, even if that means attending some sort of inpatient program for a whil
  13. I recently had a fight with my girlfriend, and it got me to reading about projective identification. I was reading things about MIs like Borderline/Narcissistic PDs and behaviors like mobbing, projective identification, and it seems like: A) There are a high number of people, close and not close, in my life who have these MIs B) I am the victim of their pathologies and also of these general behaviors I know that people are probably thinking I'm getting trigger happy with dxs, but I think in my personal life I attract them/am attracted by them. It kind of freaks me out to think
  14. I feel like my ex-husband is overly interested in my 13 yr. old daughter. There weren't clear signs though. I felt like I was projecting my own childhood onto hers. My step-father told everyone he was "in love" with me. I haven't even told this to my therapist. It is horribly embarassing and caused a lot of problems in my future relationships. But there wasn't physical abuse so I thought I was over-reacting. My husband began to pay a lot of attention to my daughter who was 12 at the time. I felt uncomfortable but thought I was projecting my childhood onto hers. It seemed innocent enough. S
  15. How many of us do this? Is it a fun aspect of abandonment issues, or something else? I'm still in contact with people who have not treated me well. I'm still in contact with people who were directly responsible for a myriad of the things that make life hard for me. It seems no matter what they do or say- rape, physical abuse, gaslighting, actively humiliating me or my partner- I can't seem to cut them off. I'll be very angry for a little while but I ultimately end up acting like it never happened. It's something I plan on talking more with my lovely therapist about, but in the mean time
  16. I know when I'm not properly medicated I feel the need to change my "thoughts". That's the best I can explain the feeling. Perhaps a natural reaction to level moods? Does anybody else feel this?
  17. Addictions are not only dangerous during the abuse of the drug or alcohol, but afterwards as well. Suffering the after math of it is certainly no easy feat, but I suppose this is the price you pay for it. There is no use now wishing that it never happened. It is over now, and all that is left is suffering the damage it left and moving forward. I never smoked a cigarette or did hard street drugs. I smoked weed for awhile, and when I was denied any other type of street drugs since all the dealers were actually looking out for me, I turned to pharmaceutical drugs. I would say I was a pill-popper
  18. I live with my ex boyfriend since I'm trying to save money to move out. I sometimes (twice a month) go on a day long binge of soda, he sometimes participates. When I use all by myself I'm quiet, watching T.V. or on my computer. He will then go into a long rant calling me every bad name I can think of. It brings me to tears and worries me. Do I deserve this kind of treatment?
  19. Where do I begin. What do I say without losing your attention. Why is it hot in this hand basket? Lets cliff notes the beginning: (uggh, I just finished and realized I typed the first chapter of a novel) Bad childhood, bullied at school, struggled with weight all my life, came out at 18. 14 year abusive relationship (Emotional and psychological as well as he cheated the entire time) 4 years ago had gastric bypass surgery and lost 250+ lbs 3 years ago condo was robbed twice in a 6 month time span & 12 y/o dog died in my arms 2 years ago spent 9 months watching as my best fri
  20. So....I relapsed about a week ago after approximately two months of sobriety. I have been seeing a Substance Abuse Counselor for almost three months now, with whom I decided to be sober for a period of time before attempting moderation management, which seemed like the best idea. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago I began moderation management, but not with a very black & white set of rules for myself to follow. I drank twice without blacking out, feeling the need to drink significantly more, and handled myself appropriately though I was somewhat visibly intoxicated. I didn't feel that these w
  21. Hi all, Sorry for my English (not my mother tongue ). I know this is not a blog so I am sorry if my presentation gets to long; I'm trying to keep it short. I'm a 30 years old who started with alpripizol 0.5 mg just some days ago. Daughter, cousin and grandchild of schizophrenic people. I've never been on antipsychotics before. Just a short bio: neglected as a baby, sent to foster care, sent to distant family who mistreated me in many ways including sexual abuse, went back (lucky me!) to my mum (paranoid schizophrenia) when I was 8, got on anafranil and chlorazepate due to major depre
  22. -The following may trigger- He is the smartest person I've ever met. He is also perhaps the most broken. I want to gather him into my arms and fix all his broken places. I want to protect him from anything that would cause him harm. Of course I realize there's no fixing him. He witnessed unspeekable violence under the age of 5. He was raped by his foster father throughout childhood. He was subjected to every form of abuse you could possibly imagine. Sometimes when I touch him, he flinches. Or I see him shaking. There's a scar on his stomach that makes chills go through me. I love him. I
  23. My dad is emotionally abusive, my mom doesn't believe me when I tell her. He's always so angry....I'm such a failure for making him so angry. I tried to stand up for myself...he yelled. I shouldn't have said anything. He was right. I'm so stupid. I really want to cut myself. My arm hurts where it needs to be sliced open. I have the blades left over from when I cut before. It's summer, though, people will notice. But I need to cut. My dad never hurts me, so I need to hurt myself, so it stops circling around my brain.
  24. I'm Brittney. I turned 19 today, 3/21/2012. I don't like to be a downer, but often times I can be. I have severe PTSD due to extensive abuse through out my lifetime, I've seen my mother, sister, grandma, little brother, animals and friends be abused, and in the midst of it all I was being abused as well. I never realized it, and when it did I was in shock and couldn't pull myself out of it. I cut myself for three years, and now I have terrible ugly scars all up and down my legs. I've been abused mentally, physically and sexually. I've been abused by multiple people, "Friends", boyfriends, t
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