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Found 23 results

  1. Latuda is off the table for now due to the weird reaction. We were considering Depakote, but psych doc just called and nixed that idea due to my NAFLD and chronic hyperammonia issues. So, he wants me to start back on Zyprexa tonight and to call him tomorrow to see how I am doing. He has been calling me daily over the past two weeks. Several neighbors are suggesting assisted living, but my psych doc is saying no way, I'm not at that stage yet. However, my mother started dementia at my age, but his position in this is that when on Zyprexa, it cures the confusion and other debilitating symptoms at least for awhile. He says that if I had early dementia, I would not respond to the Zyprexa as well as I do. My neighbors are now concerned due to my inability to think straight and confusion which they are picking up on. I have known this for sometime and have expressed my concern many times over my brain feeling like it is falling apart and unable to function in the real world. Finally my psych doc is taking me seriously. Dissociation is with me all day long, extreme anxiety and fear/panic/dread all day long, confusion is there all day long, just feeling unwell with these chronic migraines is keeping me in bed 3 days out of 5 days. This is not a functioning life for me. I am afraid to leave my apartment, I am afraid to hear from my neighbors that I am confused and not functioning well. These daily reports are just overwhelming me. I now turn off my phone, close my blinds and live in a shroud of secrecy. I will be seeing my headache/neurologist/seizure doc this week and will bring this up to him as well. I hope I can make the appointment. Just sitting here after taking .5 mg of Klonopin to take the edge off. Will start the Zyprexa this evening or sooner. Just a few points about my environment. Two neighbor threatened my life here (verbally), neighbors that I get close to pass away suddenly (one right in front of me) (I live in an independent living facility and I am the youngest here - most have varying degrees of psychosis/dementia - hard to live with). I went to a party last week and I sat alone at my table while others crowded around with each other excluding me. I left and came home very depressed. I am an easy target where I live, bullies come after me. I have no trust with anyone who lives here anymore. Have been here a year and can't connect with anyone, very depressing, so I stay alone in my apartment. I do not drive and with my agoraphobia, leaving my home and venturing out alone is very very scary to me. Just not a life that I want to keep living. I have to get on something to help calm down my brain so I can function in the world. I have been on most medications now and nothing works or the side effects are too harsh. It's just becoming too hard now to function in this world. Well, thanks for reading *smiles*
  2. Went to my HMO for the first time since my former primary mistreated me. Everytime I would drive up to the building I could not go inside as a panic attack would hit me. Made it thru selecting new glasses, but wanted to run out of there, was having shortness of breathe. Then made it thru pharmacy to pick up scripts and lastly made it thru a flu shot. The Zyprexa is dampening down the run-away anxiety/panic/agoraphobia so far and I found myself very much in the present moment. I was soo proud of myself for making it thru the day
  3. This is what I go thru every day from the moment I wake up: anxiety throughout the day, uncontrollable anxiety and panic only when I leave my home, dissociation in times of high stress and high anxiety and panic, insomnia every night, daily depression, scary cycling mood swings. My psych doc called me on a Saturday afternoon (now this doc is semi-retired and only works 3 days a week now). I was shocked when I saw his name come up on caller ID. He was calling to suggest I go into the hospital until I become stabilized. Stabilized in one week, no way I say. It's gonna take time for that to happen. He said with the dissociation and everything else I am going thru on a daily basis he is worried I might self harm. I assured him I am not at that point and he knows that I call him when I need to go back in, plus I have a new kitten and don't want anyone in my home anyway. I think I can manage all this at home. I will be seeing him on Tuesday. That was soo out of character for him to call me like that, kinda got my attention and am I worse off then I realize. I have known him for 30+ years and he knows me well, so I have to trust his direction. His concern is that I am in the middle of a perfect storm and anything can happen and he worries that if anything triggers me I might not be able to control what happens to me. Then several neighbors stopped by to see if I was okay as they have not seen me last week, curtains have remained closed, not answering phones nor texts. I know I have been avoiding alot of neighbors now as I am selectively avoiding those that trigger me and those that knocked on my door I call them "the axis of terror" for what they have been known to do to other people here. So, I had their phones on block. I have been protecting myself while I work on medication and mood and it's nobody's business. Had a game of RummyKub set up for this evening and really looked forward to this all week, and everyone just canceled, really bummed about that. I have had no interest in bath, washing my hair, eating. I can't focus on TV, can't read, nor listen to my book tapes. No interest in anything, I am soo flooded with anxiety/panic. My HMO has restricted how many benzos I take, I have been on Klonopin for 30 years and that takes the edge off, but have to stock pile them due to the restrictions and delays in getting the medication to me, so had to cut back and that makes my anxiety worse. So, back to my psych doc. The plan is to keep me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg) at night for sleep and for mood control for now during the day until I see him next week. It just sedates me too much if I take more than 1/2 of 25 mg in a 24 hour period. But the Seroquel puts the breaks on mood cycling, I just can't tolerate the side effects, they never go away, just increase. So, I am going to suggest to him for sleep (I want to get off Seroquel due to over sedation and muscle rigidity), Ambien or Trazodone. I read up that Trazodone helps with insomnia, panic, migraine. Then I need a mood stabilizer/seizure medication so may go back on Depakote and Xanax for rescue from intense anxiety/panic. I don't want to go back on Lithium. Goal for the day, making my bed and taking a bath, maybe washing my hair.
  4. hello all, I've had panic disorder since I was 16. I'm 23 now. I've been around the block - meds, hospitalization, therapy, self help, holistic stuff, etc. I have a GREAT PDOC and I was doing GREAT this past year (coming off my meds! going on long trips! happy!) but I seemed to have relapsed this spring. Here's my current cocktail that I want some opinions on: Effexor ER 225mg / daily - the only SSRI / SSNRI that's ever helped me (i've been through every. single. ssri. they don't work for me.) At my best, I managed to get down to 175mg / day with no withdrawal symptoms, i was so proud! but with the relapse my PDOC bumped it up again. Klonopin 1mg before bed - Basically just on this dose so I don't go into withdrawal. Klonopin doesn't really do much to stop my panic attacks after being on it for almost 7 years. I really want to be off it soon. Xanax as needed for panic attacks - 2mg stops my panic. I don't take it every day. The past few days I've had to take an extra 1mg after the first 2mg wears off. Basically the only drug in my cocktail I trust to work right now. Abilify 4mg daily - I was just prescribed this last months and started at 2mg. It seemed to work! but now I'm in hell and my PDOC just bumped it up to 4mg daily last night. New symptoms as of this new 'relapse' or whatever-the-funk: back at it again with the debilitating panic attacks and agoraphobia, this time with new and improved Depression™! which i've never had before except when i get sad that panic attacks are ruining my life. That's why my PDOC bumped up my effexor and added Abilify. I had to leave work early today which is something I havent had to do in like, 6 years. TL;DR: I'm wary about the abilify. Should I even be on it? anyone have any insight? why do I have depression now after never having it in my life? can anyone fix all my problems please?
  5. Once again require constructive feedback from the community. Diagnosed with Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia and Depression. Possible OCD I have a history of developing tolerance to drugs and it's happening again. Currently on 115mg Zoloft & 2mg of Abilify. Have previously been prozac and lexapro, for about 3 years each. 2mg of abilify worked wonders in only about a week. totally reversed by phobic avoidance and anxiety levels. I seemed to build a tolerance for it exceptionally fast, on the order of a few weeks. pdoc suggested we raise dosage but I developed a form of Akathisia at 4mg. Absolutely could not sit comfortable, extremely agitated, without question crawling out of my skin. We reduced the 4mg of abilify to 2mg and I'm stuck at a point, with zoloft too, where I'm extremely phobic, anxious and depressed. Haven't slept in about a week from insomnia, icing on the cake. Driving is very difficult, cannot get far from my house without feeling the need to turn back etc...all the usual symptoms basically. Has anyone had a similar experience where they have to switch SSRI's every few years to combat tolerance ? That's my main question, so I don't feel so alone. pdoc and I will decide between Celexa or Paxil this Wednesday. I just want to know that when I run out of choices can I go back to an SSRI that once worked but pooped out, like prozac ? I always respond positively to SSRI's at first but like I said earlier, they have an expiration date of 2-3 years with me. Enjoy the 4th and please take a moment to share your thoughts. thank you!
  6. With Anxietyzone gone I'm hoping I can find some constructive feedback from you guys. I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, have been on Prozac, Lexapro and now Zoloft. All three have worked but eventually built tolerance. Would increase dose, achieve remission, poop out, be at max dose and have to switch to a new ssri. Currently dealing with a semi-breakdown. Can't drive over bridges, avoiding wide open spaces, having intense thoughts that I'm about to go crazy, lose control etc...the usual. To my question. pdoc instructed me to raise zoloft dose from 100 to 125. I'm hesitant making such large jumps. So yesterday I increased to 112.5mg. I usually experience activation effects, jitters, agitation which I consider a positive sign because it usually means I will feel the anxiolytic effects after a couple weeks. I didn't feel the activation effects yesterday, when I increased my dosage. Should I be concerned ?
  7. Hi there, Anyone get spooky around windows? I always find my agoraphobia kicking in when I have the blinds up in my flat. I challenge myself by keeping a couple of them up during the day, but some days I can't even do that. Or go outside during the day. I get this rush of anxiety/panic...I thought it might be brought on by seeing people and cars pass and knowing that they could see me. Anyone else get the jumpies around their windows?
  8. I need help in cutting like self harm guidance I'm totally new to this. I'm all alone have no friend. I'm from asia my age is 22. There is no one who knew about my SI.
  9. it's been years and my agoraphobia has been on and off... i am not quite sure how to get rid of it. i'm currently on a cocktail of meds... they keep me calm... but when i am out of the house.. the intrusive paranoid thoughts come and i seem not to be able to get a grip on them. I think of really bizarre stuff and it makes me question if its real or not.. like it feels real... is my imagination that good at tricking me? i thought the sky was going to fall on me once and that the road was going straight up and it made me very dizzy. does anyone else get those weird thoughts or distorted thinking?
  10. Was introvert and nervous as kid. Really loved music and was a decent athelete - basketball and track. Started to get frequent panic attacks as late teenager. Was very nervous about learning to drive a car. Feared big traffic accident. Felt incompetent and not focused about driving. Driving worsened the panic attacks and agoraphobia. Tried talk therapy... panic attacks worsened. Agoraphobia kicked in badly. Had to take pills. Tricyclics. That worked for a while. Been on some medication ever since.
  11. Alright--first post, so bear with me here. It took me about five minutes to figure out what to type after that sentence. As much as I'd like to write a memoir on this forum about my insane drug-induced disordered life, I'll try to make my questions simple. Really, I couldn't decide if I should post in this thread or the OCD, social phobia, depersonalization, or addictions one. I used to be a crazy, outgoing kid that loved going out in public. Pulling pranks on people in grocery stores and getting in trouble at fast food drive-thru's were my favorite hobbies. I had been like this my whole life, up until I started using marijuana when I was 16. A few years into my addiction (that's what I'll call it) I had some sort of psychotic break in one of my high school classes. I was on venlafaxine at the time for depression; anxiety was never an issue. I've read of all sorts of these depersonalized episodes due to cannabis use (especially when using as an adolescent). These reoccur and are something I'll have to accept until I find a cure, hopefully. I gave up smoking the day it happened, which was three years ago, and haven't touched it since. The only why my psych was able to help me out was by prescribing clonazepam. It was a blessing until, you know, I got hooked like everyone else. It seemed to slow me down a bit. It took the edge off, but being a socially gimped zombie wasn't what I wanted. After a year I wanted to speed things up, so that's what I asked for; Adderall. I started at 30 and was at 50 within a month. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a better psychiatrist. But, I asked for it, and I knew what I was getting myself into. Whether I have ADD or not, I enjoyed Adderall and have been taking it for over a year (clonazepam for two years). After tolerance built up though, all I was left with was blue hands and feet. I've gone down to 40 milligrams and am really hitting the wall. I need to get to the point; this is only the addiction portion. My life now: I rarely leave the house (or even my room for that matter), take college courses online, write, and draw. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't want to. I do fear conversations though, or people in general. I can't make eye contact with anyone, lose my words between each sentence, and can see myself from their POV. All of this makes me (or how I see me) look like a stuttering, paranoid person with schizophrenia. The only times I leave the house are when I have to, and I rarely take my Klonopin during the day due to the zombie hazes. I have a feeling the Adderall has contributed to a mix of OCD and OCPD. Matter of fact, I believe all of the symptoms that make me a completely dysfunctional individual are due to drugs. The weed started the engine and the pharmaceuticals added fuel to it. I'm trying to wean off of everything slowly right now but it's still a disaster. I just want to be able to make a simple phone call without writing down what I'm going to say first. I'm tired of leaving earth at a family dinner. And I'm tired of needing to carry a pocket-full of pills everywhere I go, if I go. Any comments, questions, or answers to why I define every anxiety disorder in the DSM-5 will be greatly appreciated.
  12. "I" Kim (leader) One of my dear friends is having a self commitment ceremony this evening. It's at a smallish house with a good number of people. Fortunately, I think I'll know everyone there and most of them are easy for me to be around. I think I can do this. I'm feeling anxious about being crowded, not being able to get out if I'm triggered or something else happens. Worried someone will get upset if I can't stay the whole time. Some of them are very loud and I can get over stimulated easily. I think there will be a fire in the backyard. I guess I will position myself so that I can get outside quickly and quietly if I need to. Fortunately, it's within a couple miles from my home. I think the last time I left the house was the 27th. If I can get out this evening then that will be 2 times in a week!!!
  13. Sorry this is so long, please read but I'll add a TL;DR section at the bottom. I'm 19 and I've been struggling with ***MAJOR*** axiety ever since I was 14 although over the years the anxiety has grown worse. It's always been super bad but now it's unbarable and I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I've been diagnosed with GAD, OCD, socal phobia, panic disorder and agoraphobia by my latest psychyatrist. I've been on several medications over the years but almost nothing has worked and I'm seriously considering going to some kind of hospital. I'm so tired of being so anxious and it's ruining my life and has been ever since it showed up. I barely made passing grades in school (even failed a couple of classes) because I could never concentrate, I was always in panic mode. I would skip school so often I got notices for truency court which made me even more anxious, I eventually just became homeschooled my senior year. I never made many friends in highschool and only 1 stuck with me dispite everything and they are currently my only friend. Nowadays I'm too anxious to leave my house except to go to therapy and my psychologist. I've only been to my psychiatrist twice and she put me on Pristiq claiming it would make me feel like a new person but it has made my anxiety worse and I don't know how much I can trust psychiatrists anymore... I've been to 3 in my life and nothing has helped. Also, none of them would prescribe me a nerve pill like Xanax or Ativan because they said I'm too young and they are addictive. But I hear they work good for major anxiety??? Here are the medications I've been on: -Strattera: My first psychiatrist thought I was ADHD and that my lack of cencentration was making me anxious?? Idk, it just made me feel like I was having heart attacks. -Paxil: I asked for it because I heard it was really good for anxiety but it made me sleep a lot and that made my parents mad. -Zoloft: I actually felt like I could slow down and breathe on this... anxiety was def still there but I could count the amount of panic attacks I had in a week on one hand. BUT it quit working after 4 months and my psychiatrist refused to put me on anything higher than 150mg. -Buspar: What... even is this?? Does it do anything or is it a placebo pill?? I'm being serious. -Lexapro: I couldn't afford to go to a psychiatrist anymore at the time so I went to a regular doctor. I went to max dose and it didn't help with my anxiety but I didn't have the urge to pace or rub my skin anymore so that was a plus. -Lamictal: I started going to a new psychiatrist and she was convinced I was straight up bipolar and that was the route of my problems but I honestly don't think I am. I have several people in my family who are (maybe thats why she thought that) and I have never felt manic. Anyways, Lamictal made me itchy and lose 20 pounds, putting me underweight. -Abilify: I told the same psychiatrist that the Lamictal wasn't working for me and I needed something for my anxiety but she swore it was bipolar making me feel anxious so she added Abilify. It was the antipsychotic that made me feel psychotic. I didn't sleep for literal 4 days straight and I became afraid of windows and the feel of fabric... not to mention I was counting the spots in my house I could hang myself from. I didn't go back to that psychiatrist. -Fish Oil, Vitamin B, Vitamin C, exersize, yoga: Not medications but my parents were getting really fed up with me and the psychiatrists so they made me try the natural stuff (which I was already taking Vitamin C and doing yoga). I didn't notice a different in my anxiety but it made me feel nice that I was getting healthier at least physically. -Pristiq: I'm at a new psychiatrist and she claimed Pristiq would cure all my problems which I knew was an exageration but I had hope. It made me feel double anxious just after 5 days. At first I though it was just my head telling me that bad things were going to happen but mom took my blood pressure and it was high for someone my size (I'm 4'11). I went back to her the next appointment and she said thats how it would feel starting up but after my body got ajusted it would make me feel great. I was on it for a whole month and a half before I couldn't take it anymore. I have another appointment to see her July 15. When I say my anxiety is horrible, I really mean it is so terrible that I can't think of a time where I didn't fall asleep from exaustion of that days emotional events. I have body pains, heart pains and palpitations, headaches... along with depression, guilt and overall feeling of worthlessness. My question is where do I go from here? What medicine should I try? Should I keep trying medicines? What has worked for you? Is there any hope I'll get better or is this who I'm damned to be? Please help. ******TL;DR****** I'M SO ANXIOUS I CAN'T FUNTION AND IDK WHAT TO DO BECAUSE ALL THE MEDICINES I'VE TRIED ARE SHIT AND I'M STARTING TO THINK I'M SCREWED UP ON SUCH A LEVEL THAT I'LL NEVER FEEL NORMAL OR AT LEAST CLOSE TO IT PLEASE HELP IM WILING TO TRY ANYTHING I DONT CARE IF I GET FAT OR HAVE TO GET LIVER CHECKS OR GET SO CONSTIPATED I SHIT MINIVANS I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO NUMB THIS CONSTANT PANIC
  14. Hello, I'm new to this board. I've suffered anxiety most of my 34 years of life. My life has always been about someone else. As a child it was my parents and their problems, as an adult it was about my ex and his problems and what made him happy. So I'm just discovering what I want and who I am. I'm currently on Zoloft 50mg for the past 16 days for my panic disorder and if you could see me typing this now you'd swear I was high on something. Sticking with this Ssri because it's at least making me feel a little alert to the world around me. Well hello everyone and I'll be seeing you.
  15. As much as i like my counsellor, and i do honestly, i cant help but get pissed off with the advise she gave me today. I've heard it all before from CBT. i had a panic attack today, thanks to stupid workmen outside my flat blocking entrances and glaring at me as i walk through the gate saying no access (theyd put these signs on both exits to my building, i guess they figured i can dematerialise from inside my block and reappear on the pavement outside). So not only could i go through my normal exit, i had to go round the back with led onto a different street, que anxiety and panic attack. I explained what had happened to my counsellor, and yeah i appreciate her advise and she did make a better point than the CBT therapists (and that was to start small), but i am so sick of hearing the same "use the thought tools" and "try to catch yourself out during an anxiety episode and think everything through logically". I understand her point, but the thing is i've suffered with this for so long, and i physically CANT slow my brain down at that moment and think things through rationally. And then trying to explain that causes the response of "well just try". AS IF I DONT?! Ugh! Rant over.
  16. Hello everyone. My name is Erica. I'm new here, from New York. Looking to make new friends. Hopefully find people to help me cope. Don't really have anyone who understands, Holidays are really are and I am already panicking really bad about being around people tomorrow. Sorry to be a bother. Feel free to say hi. Thanks
  17. Hello there! Allow myself to introduce... myself. I am the 31 year old mother to a 16 month old, light-of-my-life, cute-as-a-button son. I'm currently in the midst of a separation and divorce from my husband. I have a fairly complex story, so let us begin at the beginning, shall we? I can remember being anxious as young as age four. I was formally diagnosed in my early teens with Clinical Depression and have undergone various forms of therapy and medicinal therapy throughout my teenage and adult life, off and on. Let's just say that I'm a mental disorder veteran! I used food as comfort. I then underwent bariatric surgery in 2007. As I lost the weight, my anxieties only increased to the point that it became intolerable. Not only was I having panic attacks, but I was experiencing excrutiating headaches, cluster migraines, neck, back, and shoulder pain. I ended up leaving my country (the U.S.) in the meantime and moving to Canada to be with my then-online boyfriend. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2007 and moved to Canada in spring 2008. I underwent treatment for anxiety and eventually my diagnoses grew: agoraphobia, ADHD combined subtype, and social anxiety were added to my list. We married in the spring of 2009 and I became a permanent resident in 2010. I was well-managed at this point. By the time I decided to conceive a child, I was in the best place mentally that I'd ever been. When my son was born in the spring of 2012, I experienced severe Post-Partum-Anxiety in addition to the Baby Blues. I was obsessed with SIDS and developed insomnia. My husband was not much of a help. He retreated further into his computer addiction -- through which he had had an internet affair whilst I was pregnant in months 6-8 - and was playing 8-12 hours daily following working all day. It was then that I began to think about leaving him. I entered into counseling again. Readjusted medications. Joined support groups. Entered into some marital counseling. Things got a bit better as our son grew into a toddler; but they were never the same between us again. He would ease off the computer addiction slightly, then relapse. And he sees nothing wrong with it. It got worse and worse to the point that when I finally read a marriage book just a little over a month ago, I realized that I was finished. He had drained any romantic love left for him that I had had. I moved out to my best friend's house with her family for a few weeks and then found a basement apartment. Things have been immensely difficult, especially because my family is still in the US and I work full-time for his mother (at least until March). In the meantime, an old friend and supporter that I'd met through another anxiety support site years ago admitted his feelings for me. We developed a relationship after the separation (I know this has only been a short time) and he plans to leave his country to move here to be with us. He was an amazing friend and support; and now he's even moreso. We have a very special bond. But I am still in the stages of grief over losing the home I've made here and homesick for my family of origin. Things are chaotic. I haven't worked full-time in several years, and it's been a huge adjustment. My anxiety has relapsed due to the "acute stress" (thanks, doc) and so half the time I feel like I'm drowning and grasping for every rock, every branch, to slow myself down. My soon-to-be-ex husband is amicable, so long as we don't get into the financial details. He doesn't see his son as much as he should so far, then wonders why our baby cries when I leave the room. It's immensely painful and stressful and right now I feel like I have no base of comfort. So that's where I am right now. I alternate between recovery and relapse. I think it will always be a battle to stay afloat; but even for a "healthy" person, this would be a tremendous challenge. It's nice to meet you all and I hope to be able to speak to some of you through the chat support. Best Wishes, "Crimmy"
  18. Hello All, I am Ryxi and I have absolutely no idea what all to put here. I have been diagnosed with a ton of different issues and am currently back under the care of a psychiatrist/therapist/case manager. I don't want to get too personal, but I come from a large family that wants nothing to do with me because of these issues. I have lost all of my children from these issues. I am currently living with an ex-boyfriend (we are still great friends) just so I can get some kind of support while I deal with all of this. I am new to any kind of site like this, as this is really my first time really reaching out to anyone, other than my doctors and stuff. Well, I guess if you want to know more about me, feel free to ask away. My therapist encourages me to talk about everything as much as possible so that I can stop being a victim and move on with my life.
  19. Ok, so I just got a prescription filled for 20 mg of Citraprolam, also known as Celexa. I've been seeing a psychologist who diagnosed me with depression, particularly dysthymic disorder. I also have generalized anxiety and social phobia. I would just like to know what to expect when I start taking the meds. I know that it takes a month or so for it to really start working and that all SSRIs are different for different people. Please just tell me about the changes you experienced and also about side effects, particularly if you have taken or are taking Celexa. Thanks
  20. Hi, my name is Steve (anenome), and I suffer from many many many things. Have all my life. Been there, done that. I've tried every shrink; psychotherapist; social worker; as well as every chatroom (most useless); every med...anti-psychotics; anti-depressants; mood stabilizers; uppers; downers; hypnotics; hallucinegentics; alcohol; sedatives; anti-anxieties;...you name it, and very few have worked. It has gotten to the point (and I just came across your site a couple days ago), that if this doesn't work...I'm fucked. At this point, I could use a few people who think they have alternatives (other than death), as well, the only thing keeping me going at this point is helping others...it helps me feel better about myself when I can help someone else. I have no ego, no nothing...in fact, I have hit a point of anhedonia that has even scared the last few shrinks I went to turn me down...literally. The last two I saw said my conditions are 'so acute', I am in need of a specialist...not a behavioral clinic or stress center etc. I'm talking donating my brain/body to science it's that bad. So, as you can see, I have absolutely no help...no friends, no relatives, no nothing to turn to (I'm on disability and medicaid, but medicaid is turning down...giving me a spend down next month Jan. 2012 that I cannot possibly meet, so I won't be able to afford even one or two of the 13 different meds I take daily...some several tmes a day. I'm fucked. So, talk to me please, I could use some good conversation, and should you have an option I haven't tried, tell me about it. If you need help and advice...please tell me...I'm a good listener and have MUCH experience with many things, and besides, it will give me a chance to take a break worrying about my situation. So please, I've been in total isolation/seclusion/agoraphobia for years and CANNOT just go outside and deal with people. This is going to have to be a major step-by-step process for me. Drop me a line if you are interested. My email is: [edited to remove private information - please send PMs] P.S. NO RELIGIOUS BIBLE-THUMPERS ALLOWED! NO PREACHING!! I'VE STUDIED THEOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY, ETC. ALL OF MY LIFE. YOU CANNOT CONVERT ME!!! I don't mind if you have your own beliefs that get you by, in fact, I would by intrigued by that. But don't push your ideas on me. That is all I ask. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon. Steve (anenome)
  21. So, I'm new to the site and was told that there are a combination of people..i.e. assholes; inconsiderates; helpful; empathetic, etc. etc. I haven't read or talked enough to make a judgement. However, I did come across a post today, it said something like: fuck it, I don't remember, but it hit a nerve. My point is, I have been in hiding for a long long time. I am very sick mentally and physically. I am not suicidal, however, I DO 'will' myself to death every night, and I have enough narcotics to kill a busload. Each and every day, besides 'willing' myself to death, I wonder if I've just done what I can here on earth and it's time for me to go. So yes, there are times I contemplate eating a shitload of meds and not wake up. But I chose not to. I'm not religious, I don't believe in anything...I followed Buddhism for decades, but I don't have what it takes to survive anymore. I have been in total isolation for at least a decade as well as severe clinical depression. I can't walk out the front door. I got rid of my phone out of paranoia. I am not asking for advise, preaching, etc. All I am looking for, now that I am snapping out of this decade long depression etc., is someone to talk to. Someone I can trust. And I don't mean constant complaining, what I mean is just conversation. If, with our disorders we can occasionally listen or advise, great, if it means just bullshitting about anything...music, movies, politics, whatever...that is fine too. I just need someone who understands where I come from and is willing to be a friend online... If there is just one person out there who is lookfing for the same, please respond. If not, don't respond. Love you all!!! Steve (anenome)
  22. Hi, my name is Steve (anenome) and I am pretty much at my last resort. I'm not going to get into specifics, there is no point in doing that when the chances of someone getting back with you is minimal. One thing I have found in my 45 years of life is: For the most part, people (especially in chatrooms), only go when much help is needed immediately. Then, when they feel better or whatever, they basically tell you to 'fuck off'. Well, I'm not in that position. I am 45 years old and have pretty much given up on life. DO NOT WORRY!!!!! I am NOT suicidal etc. I just have no drive left. This site is pretty much my last hope. If this fails...well, let's just say the system won. So I am not going to go on and on; I gave you my username (anenome); it's all there in my profile along with my email address. If you are interested, please contact me. If you are not interested, don't contact me. P.S. NO PREACHING as far as religion goes...I respect others beliefs, I expect the same in return. I'm not out to 'USE' anyone, although I may need some help, I have MUCH experience in the mental health field. Not only 45 years of myself, but a father who tried to commit suicide about 27 years ago (was a successful dentist), but the disorders got the best of him. And I also had a younger brother with a disorder and he successfully committed suicide about 5 years ago. So I have been around the block a few times. I am also very much a non-conformist realist; I am not bound by ANY religion; am very educated...from politics to design to creative writing to quantum mechanics to chaos theory to string theory to parallel lives/universes/dimensions, etc....(just to let you know). But please, look me up, I would enjoy the company and helping others even if they have no advice for me. thank you and looking forward to hearing from you. Steve (anenome)
  23. Hey everyone! I'm new here...so be patient. I have many disorders, two of them being severe agoraphobia and panic disorder. I take 13 meds a day and am on disability. I am also on medicaid (state run). I got my disability last year while I was hospitalized and had absolutely NO IDEA I was suppose to report it to medicaid. The thought never crossed my mind. I just figured: disability-medicaid-food stamps, etc. fell hand in hand. They have all my documents, SS# etc. I thought they were basically one entity. But I got a letter from medicaid a few weeks ago and they said I didn't report the disability I was getting and they cut my benefits big time. I barely get by on my disability with medicaid covering everything anyway. I don't have cable, I don't have a car, I don't have a phone, etc. but they slapped me with a $300 monthly spend down before they will pay for anything. As it is, I end up with maybe $25 or so at the end of the month, but as of next month, instead of a $3 copay for all my meds...$36 total monthly, I have to pay the first $300. And me being on 13 meds, all I pretty much need, and some being major narcotics I've been on most of my life, I won't be able to afford two of the thirteen, let alone $300 worth. I'm screwed. I can handle the schizoaffective for a period of time as well as other things, but what I CANNOT deal with are my panic attacks! They finally put me on a cocktail of meds that have considerably cut my attacks to maybe a couple a day for maybe an hour at most...before, anything triggered an attack, and sometimes they would literally last 24-36 hours non-stop! I would pace back and fourth the hole time to the point of exhaustion. I tried drinking myself silly to stop them and nothing helped. Finally, one night (and I am not at all suicidal), I was in the basement pacing as fast as I could and could no longer take it. I grabbed a knife, went into my roomates bedroom and said 'Jack, I can't take it anymore' and I was going to just put the knife through my chest they were so bad. He got up and immediately took me to the hospital and I was put in the psychiatric ward. They gave me a shot of something major to calm me down and started me on a cocktail of: Prozac 80 mgs a day; Neurontin 1200 mgs a day; and Clonazepam 6 mgs a day. And after a week I felt better, and after a month or so, they were tolerable. If medicaid doesn't rethink that spend down and I can't afford my meds, it's just a matter of time. Like I said, the other disorders will take a little time to get worse without meds, but I CANNOT take those kinds of panic attacks again. I'm starting to get worse panic attacks since they told me that a couple/few weeks ago. I CANNOT live like that again. I've tried everything for meds with no luck...any suggestions? I've tried everything including each drug company, etc. I promise you, and it won't be voluntary or premeditated, but when those attacks come back and last a day or two, I WILL end up doing away with myself. I also suffer from Cluster headaches annually...I would rather have chronic cluster headaches year around than deal with the extremity of those panic attacks!!! I have 30 days of meds left, then I won't be able to afford them. I can either a.) quit taking all of them and have a roof over my head and in a short period of time, go crazy again without them, or b.) leave the apartment, live on the street and be able to pay the $300 per month (and that won't last long because of my agoraphobia, social/sociophobia, and the fact I'm not street smart and don't know anyone)...or take the fast way out and just commit suicide and get it over with quickly. Any suggestions? They would be much appreciated. Those of you who have had severe panic attacks like that know what I'm talking about. Thank you in advance.
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