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Found 5 results

  1. Hi folks, "merry holidays" (lol). So here's my current state of play. There are a lot of variables in play which is something I strive to avoid but then life (and things like not getting divorced or fired) get in the way: I'm tapering off of Wellbutrin XL. It's 6 days since my last 75mg XL dose (before you cry "it doesn't come in 75mg doses!" I was taking 300mg WB XL / 4. Not ideal, but such is life). I'm tapering off of Mirapex. I've been on 0.125mg since the 14th (10 days). I started L-Methylfolate at 10mg (perhaps foolishly - that's a high dose) on the 16th (8 days ago) on the basis that I might have MTHFR mutations. I am shortly getting MTHFR tests done. I started Rexulti 0.5mg 19th (5 days ago). This was reduced to 0.25mg on the 22nd (2 days ago. See below as to why). In summary, a whole shitload of changes all happening in parallel which is exactly what I try to avoid but as I said, shit happens. So here's the real deal. For the last month at least I've been experiencing incapacitating anxiety. The kind that has you in the foetal position in bed, waves of anxiety radiating out from your gut/stomach to each limb. Physical weakness, shaking, incoherence, the works. Naughtily I'd previously ordered Valium online an less-naughtily I've got 0.5mg Ativan off of my PDoc. Neither touches the anxiety. This a.m. I tried 25mg Valium and 1mg Ativan and collectively they helped maybe 10%. I was still completely dysfunctional. The only thing I've found so far that helps substantially is 2+ large whiskies. Within 20 mins of taking them, I feel human, capable, anxiety-free and "alive". Not high or anything - just "human". Without context, that sounds terrible and the easy reply is "you are an alcoholic, go get treatment". But that's BS. Why? because: 15 years ago I went 18 months dry and it didn't help at all. I was more depressed overall from missing out on all the social engagements. (I was like 25). In Feb I went inpatient where they declared my alcohol intake "the problem", made me abstain for 3+ months and guess what? it didn't help my depression at all I don't wake up crazying alcohol I don't want to drink alcohol I've taken many, many other med regimens where this incredible anxiety is not present e.g. SSRI's , TCA's, MAOI's. It seems something particular to either (or both Wellbutrin and Mirapex). As of tonight I'm dropping the Mirapex, even though it's a tiny dose and my PDoc wanted me to remain upon it. Tough shit. As of today I dropped my L-methylfolate intake from 10mg to 2.5mg since I've read that a long-term starvation of L-methylfolate (such as my postulated situation), followed by a "downpour" of l-methylfolate can make you feel even worse. So I'm toning that down. Finally, my questions: why is it that only the alcohol is relieving this incapacitating, incredible 10/10 strength anxiety? (and I have 20+ years of anxiety to know when anxiety is worth a 10/10 rating) am I exhibiting alcoholic tendencies? i.e. am I an alcoholic are my proposed actions (dropping L-methylfolate dose, stopping Mirapex, reducing Rexulti dose) along the right tracks? any other advice? Curled up in bed throughout Christmas, in bed, with 2 young kids is killing me. Concurrently so is the prospect of requiring alcoholic rehab. Some subjective insight would be a golden Christmas present from you to me. Thank you, Pete
  2. Hey there, My name is Kelsey and I am living with multiple illnesses(bipolar type 3,aka cyclothymia, ADHD, alcoholism, paranoia, eat disorders etc) that my doctor refuses to treat until I gain his trust back.. (I want a new pdoc, but he knows me and my tricks)... I recently overdosed on over 11700mg of lithium, 1300mg of seroquel, 1040 mg of both prozac and vyvance. I had to spend 5 day in the ICU in hard cuffs and soft cuffs. I spend 24 of those hours getting my blood dialysised. The rest of the time I spend was hallucinating my team of nurses were all the enemies in my favorite primetime shows (too many to name on here). I bit my head nurse, bruised her from kicking her in the stomach during the switch from hard cuffs to soft. I escaped my hands from the cuffs and it all seems to be a blur, so much I have to ask relatives if it really happened or if it were just a dream. Once the lithium was out of my system and all the hallucinations stoppedal they wheeled me to a psych ward where I was miserably happy.. no matter what happened, I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face. I was happy. There wasn't a thing nurse, an orderly, doctor, social worker, or peer could say or do to me that would make me unhappy(however, my husband did tell me that my mania was getting good worse every evening he saw me) I . I guess the 5 day ordeal in the ICU really had an impact onot my life and I had yet to realise it until I started to talk to everyone about all my life decisions that haday everything to do with my addictions and mental illnesses. I flip two suvs, got 18 stitches in both wrist. Wrecked four vehicles, been to jail, extreme drug and alcohol abuse, etc. Every action whether a positive or negative impact on my life was because I was living in denial about being sick and walking around refusing help. I live in the midatlantic region. I don't know much about support groups(online or local) that I can meet people like me. I am living with these diagnosis, practically untreated trying to survive. I could write a novel on my life. But I wont... at least not today. Until next time.. ---Kelsey
  3. So if you've been following my blog, you'll notice that a) I have an alcohol/drug addiction problem and b) my insurance is currently pending (it should cover me shortly). My tdoc and pdoc both agree that I should go into detox to safely withdraw from alcohol. I was just wondering what to expect. I heard that they're basically pumping me full of benzos and vitamins until I'm stable enough for rehab/outpatient, but I still have no idea what to expect. My team agrees that the best way for me to get into detox is to get super duper loaded and go into the ER and ask for one, but like, how? I'm just confused and I don't want to do it wrong and end up back home in the same situation I'm already in. Thanks so much!!
  4. I'm not letting my ex ruin my life anymore. I cut him loose today. He is an alcoholic and he drives me to drink, not an excuse but an extra reason to. I'm an addict and alcoholic. I even mix the two.. Not cool. So today I attended an online AA meeting and talked to a girl I met in treatment that is sober and I am going to face to face meetings this week. I also need to find a therapist this week for sure. I fell down the stairs 2 years ago and at 37 had to have a total hip replacement and jaw reconstruction after being airlifted to a trauma center. I am facially disfigured now because of it and am going to have surgery again on June 18 for total joint replacements on both sides of my jaw that will hopefully even out my facial asymmetry. As a result of the fall, I lost custody of my daughters, 10 and 7, and now they live an hour away with their dad. I also became homeless for the past two years and just recently got into my own apartment. My ex-husband is supposed to bring them once a week to see me and let me talk to them on the phone everyday but he does not comply with the court order. He doesn't know what's going on with me and I am definitely not going to tell him. Meanwhile I need to file court papers to get custody of my daughters back. That needs to be my focus.. that and my new job working at home so I can save money for a car to go see them since he won't bring them to see me. Everything is a mess because of this addiction and I'm tired of it. I'm happy to say I've hit rock bottom and have become enlightened. I refuse to live like this another day. I thank God for the clarity to see this. Thank you for reading.
  5. Trigger warning: Cptsd, bullying, self harm, alcoholism, disordered eating, depression, Aspergers syndrome, suicide Hi all I was wondering if I have some Complex PTSD as a result of my experiences with bullying at school. I plan to maybe bring this up with my pdoc next time I see her but I don't want to seem like I'm just looking for diagnosis as excuses. I'm also a bit worried that my parents could be upset and guilty about my bullying even though it's not their fault as I hid it throughout my schooling. I coped fine at school and did well at my school work. The fact that I was being bullied and rejected by my entire school year did not affect me that much. In my first school where I was bullied I would escape to the library or play along with their game of running away from my "Rosie germs". This continued in my next school and High school where children would run away from me at lunchtime I tried to sit with them. Despite this I would persevere blaming myself for it happening. I can't remember a lot of my bullying in primary or high school. I know I was bullied from year 3 until year 9 or 10 as I can remember some incidents and the general things they used to do as well as hiding it from my parents and teachers. However I found a report detailing some incidents in primary school that I have no recollection of. This included: having stones thrown at me, children holding their breath as my parents walked through the school, having my buddy changed because she was related to one of my tormentors Having children move away if I tried to sit with them. Incident's I can remember are: being "accidently" wacked in the chest with a paddle at sport, having bricks put in my school bag, being hit numerous times by my high school "friends" having my friends at primary school tell me they couldn't be friends with me, Sitting alone every lunch time Having my high school friends tell a teacher to get me away from them. Despite all of this by the time I had finished High school I had looked to be a well adjusted student ready to move on to university. However when I moved to uni I struggled to believe that the group I had made friends with really liked me so I only met up once a week when we would go out. As a result I became very isolated. I also started to use alcohol to deal with my growing social anxiety as well to be able to take away some of the numbness I felt. As part of my social anxiety I was hyper vigilant and paranoid in my interactions with others. I also began to question the meaning of life and reality. I tend to go between extremes. I generally have a super organised routine or I have none at all. I am either very excitable, neutral or very upset and when I get upset it happens very quickly and I find it hard to calm down. This is probably part of my Aspergers though. So while I had a good routine in the first half of the year it started to slip and fell apart very quickly. I toyed with the thought that I had depression but assumed I was just lazy. I began to deal with the stress of assignments by looking up ways to kill myself if I failed. I did end up seeing a councillor and my doctor who diagnosed depression. As my alcoholism became worse I started to self harm and attempt overdoses but never took enough to harm me. I also began to binge and purge which eventually turned into restricting however I stopped before developing an eating disorder. In terms of dissociation or depersonalisation I often try and reject reality by escaping into books and TV shows. I often philosophically question reality and its meaning to the point where I get distressed. My questioning of reality also contributes to my lack of motivation. There have been times when I have been really depressed where I have felt out of my body and being on auto pilot. In terms of my perception of myself I have very low self esteem and hate myself and everything that I have become. I think I am a horrible ugly, disgusting person and I have a tendency to feel guilty and blame myself for everything that happens. I have a hard time trusting that others really like me. I automatically assume that people will hate me and if I don't please them or make a mistake in something I say/do they will hate me. I often feel trapped and that there is no way I will ever get out of this and move on with my life. I always thought that I would go to uni and be very successful as I was intelligent and good at doing my work. However now I struggle to do any work and I think I am dumb and stupid. So that’s about all I can think of at the moment do any of you think that I may have CPTSD. I know you're not health professionals but having experienced it yourself it would be good to get a perspective on this before I decide whether to bring it up to my pdoc.
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