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Hi. I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside. Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason? And what do you do now?

My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in. I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit. Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me. Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it. And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain? Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.

Are there any reclusives here ? I have been a quasi recluse for 17 years and a complete recluse for 10 I just very recently discovered forum boards and discussion groups , per my Doctors orders , he says I need to socialize , but its a bit overwhelming to me , seeing and comunicating with people . I am not sure if it healthy for me , I get my feelings hurt sometimes , because I am so far behind in everything it seems , How does one go about socializing on social media , what are some tips ? And if your a recluse I would like to know I am not all alone .

well my boyfriend and I have been together a year this July. but lately all we have been doing is fighting, and not nice fights either. a lot of shouting. I feel as if we are drifting apart, im afraid and feeling a little helpless, I love him to bits. he is everything to me. I love him, but he gets jealous if I talk to someone I have known and grew up with because my friend in a guy, and cos they are speaking to me and not him. not sure what to do to be honest? are we drifting apart

Hi I have been battling with self harm since high school, after being bullied constantly, about the way I looked. Alright I wasn't the prettiest girl in the world, and still isn't, but the bullies didn't care. I lost count of the amount of different names I was called, being pushed down stairs on the way to lessons, have doors shut in my face etc. I found the only way out was to self harm. The only peace I found was when I self harmed. I never told anyone, so I suffered in silence for a very long time, wearing long sleeves even in summer. I didn't want anyone to know. As the years pasted, I changed high schools, things got better. No one knew who I was, and I liked that finally I made some close friends. But anyway long story short Recently the scars are numbering, there' more, I know that I should stop, but I cant find the will to stop. I see what it it is doing to my family and boyfriend they are all worried about me. *wipes away tears* sorry. Erm I know its easy just to stop, but when things get stressful or fuelled with anger or sadness, I cut to stop the pressure from exploding. Kita the Shiny Ninetales

I had about a 2 month period when I thought we had figured out my meds and was feeling rather "normal" Well now i been crashing, and it got worse about 4 days ago... If anyone has read any of my previous post one of my biggest things that comes with my crashes is wanting to leave my husband. Again he is an AMAZING person, loving, supportive, loyal. I dont desire a divorce (though i often think that would be the fairest thing for him even though I know he doesnt want it either) I HATE MYSELF for these thoughts. I HATE MYSELF SO BAD. Id gladly deal with most anything else then wanting to leave him like this. Its so much harder this time. Maybe because its been so long since Ive felt this way.. I cant pinpoint why i want to leave except maybe because I want to be alone. But we have 2 young kids and I have no ways of supporting myself so im stuck... Ive often thought id be content to live in a tiny home on the same property as he. I havent felt "in love" with him for nearly 2 years now. But I do love him dearly, I still consider him my best friend. Id worry so bad if I left, and I know id be sick with jealousy if he moved on with someone else despite me also thinking he would have a happier life. I wrote him a very LONG letter about how I feel, and it included everything.. He didnt say anything but he did look hurt. who wouldnt? I even told him this time I wished something would just happen to me so he could grieve and move on. The only reason I wont entertain the thoughts of ending it myself is the kids and him. Im also frustrated that my dr. had agreed that TMS but the one place she submitted my info to turned me down because of my drinking... Ive nearly quit now so I can get this treatment as im so sensitive to meds yet she hasn't updated my info or resubmitted me nor has she tried submitting my info to the other office that does it. My councilor recommended me call her and see her sooner but my appt is tuesday and my daughter has her recitals this week so I didnt call since we are so busy.. I dont know what to do anymore... I want to leave so bad, but I truly have no idea if that would solve a damn thing. I guess I need someone that has felt this way to give me some hope that things will get better, or at least fade away and our marriage will remain intact. Or just tell me not to leave because it will make it worse.... I just dont know what I need anymore....

I get it I really do, im not normal and I really dont care to be. I cant remember a time in my life that pain wasint a form of medication I used to treat myself. Its been a nightmare when it comes to relationships and ive tried hard i really have. It seems that every time i get something good in my life its inevitable for it to be destroyed and i do mean destroyed. Ive been to doctors ive been in and out patient and everything remains the same. I cant lie to myself even though i lie to everyone eles when i say that im fine when im really not. I think about things that i cant share with anyone eles and i enjoy things that no one eles does and because of that i know they will only see the crazy side of me. I fear having friends because i know hat at some point i cant hold back who is really inside and they will run away just like everyone else has. Is it so bad to enjoy life in a way that others cant? i mean its lonley i know but when im being me im happy and I feel really good about myself but then i hate it because i know it cant stay. Why cant I just have friends who know my mind instead of treating me like a damn rubix cube.

I have been quite depressed lately over loosing friends and even family. While my relationship with my fiance seems to have been saved (he has been going to therapy, taking meds, been much happier, sweeter, supportive, and at least trying very hard to be understanding of my emotional self which makes me very happy), all my other relationships seem to be falling into shambles. I will start off with my dad. We were very close until I became a very troubled teenager. He tried to gain custody, but I refused to go due to the emotional stress it was causing. An ex-wife he always sided with to get some tail furthered the rift between us. Also my mom's hatred for him he assumes has tainted my view of him despite what I tell him and no matter how many times I tell him other wise. Anyway, I really like his current wife and we talk a lot when ever I go visit. However, there are some things she told me I wish she had kept to herself, but I understand she wanted to vent to someone as well. We are the same age, and both know him quite well. They have been having some problems and I am not sure if they will make it. Anyway, I learned that he feels he is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. That if I was not a Christian (which I am not, but that is a secret) or a lesbian I would be disowned. I really feel for anyone having to deal with that who have come out to their families. Just saying, I am so sorry to anyone who has to live with that. However, she also ranted on how hypocritical he is as a porn addict he loves watching two girls more than anything. Hm. Anyway, during my last visit he was quite a jerk to me. Nothing nice was ever spoken. He told me I never take care of my child even though I did so the entire time I was there. He put me down telling me everything I was doing wrong, and smirked shaking his head at my comments to what I do or what I think should be done. I just cannot handle him anymore. He has two new kids, and I honestly think he will be close with them until they become adults like with me. As long as they agree with him, they will be fine. It depends on how much he brainwashes them into agreeing with everything he says. He always tells me that if I think anything different than him then I must be some sheep believing the media, when I just do my own research and make my own opinions. All my friends are pretty busy. Life calls, I understand, but it is difficult to bear at times when I never see anyone. And I do mean never no matter how hard we all try. They work many jobs and are struggling to keep their heads above the water, so I completely understand and go to them when I can. However, it is very difficult with a toddler. I get tired of always being the one to go to them when it is so much easier for them to come to me (we live 2 hours a part). My best friend has never once come to see me in my town. She also lives two hours away. For years I drive to see her. Even right after my baby was born, I packed his things and went over there fighting the hassle of the pack n play, the many cans of formula, him having trouble in a strange home, etc. I do it since she helps with gas, lets us stay for a while, and we have tons of fun. However, those times I can drive out there now are pretty few between classes and a toddler. Plus, she has a job now and works a lot. I get it, but things got really bad lately. She found this girl she works with and has become incredibly close with. Honestly, at first I was not at all jealous. I did not like the girl very much because she hates being around kids and it made me feel bad. Plus, she used the excuse of anxiety which I never get to use even though I have severe problems with it and am hospitalized because of it at least once every year from the havoc it wrecks on my body. I told her I wasn't crazy about all that, but I didn't know her well enough to really say if I liked her or not, just that I was not comfortable that she did like kids. Like I said, it made me feel bad for some reason since I never planned on ever having any and I suffer with post-partum depression that has not yet fully subsided. Anyway, as time goes on they spend more and more time together, and of course I am never invited. I used to always be allowed to go over to her home whenever i wanted. I got a key, know the code and everything. I have been over there when everyone had to work and played with the cats/just chilled with my son, whatever. I had a rough patch with my fiance and needed space. I had no where to go except to her place and asked if I could come over, or even if she wanted to come over to see me. For the first time she told me no because she had to work. That never stopped me before, so I got my feelings hurt. I didn't say anything except okay, and that I understand. I went to some of my other friends for help, thanked them publicly for their help and she became offended that I did not thank her too even though she didn't do a damn thing to help. I understand if she was too busy, but I am swallowing my own forming jealousy of her new friend because that makes he happy, so I figured she should do the same for me. Perhaps that was wrong of me, but when she called me out on it, I called her out on leaving me out of things and I felt the distance between us widen. After that I asked her again because I still needed help. The answer again was no because she was sick. So I left it alone. Now, I got a new phone since my old one got fried. I asked everyone for their phone numbers or to text me so I have it. She told me to message her on fb instead because her phone was messing up and she is getting a new one soon. I mean, she would still have the same number so wtf? I could message her online and still have her number for when she got her phone. She hates drama. I know she thinks I am full of it with the challenges in my relationship and my difficulties with the part-partum depression. She tends to be the friend to try and cheer you up if you feel bad and not talk much about it. I've always been fine with that since she always does a great job, and distractions work best for me. For her too, so it was something that always worked. Now, even though all I want is that distraction again, I am being shunned. Yeah, perhaps I talked too much about my problems the last time we hung out. I was struggling. Is my sensitivity really that bad that people want to avoid me? I've tried making other friends, but it just has not been going well. I am shy around people I do not know. I don't get along with most people just because I don't share "normal" interests. Loosing all these people are just making me really depressed, and I never feel like doing anything.

I'm not 100% sure this is the best place to vent out my feelings, but I've joined anyway. I'm a person with a lot of problems. I have anxiety, an eating disorder, and severe depression. I often feel lonely and suicidal even. I'm not gonna get into that right now though. I've been on one other forum before, though I stopped, not sure why. Now I'm rejoicing because problems have popped up for me, I feel like I'm at a breaking point, and I do know there are so many people out there struggling, and way more than me. Some of you have bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I sympathize with you indeed, I'm not typically looking for the "it get's better line" I need solid advice. I know I am mental, I have terrible thoughts, I feel stupid, guilty, and uninterested. Worst of all I have the lowest god damn self esteem ever. I hate myself and the way I look, I've been at 90 pounds and still felt ugly. I hate my face and my body. Hell even my hair, anything. I truly feel worthless. Okay so I'll stop, I think you know why I'm here now... I really hope to help others AT LEAST, if no one knows how to help me. I've heard it all from "Just eat." when I didn't want to, to "Get over it" to "You're not ugly" (without further explanation or thought) and even " you don't have depression" I hope I will not hear these words on here. In fact I doubt I will, people who have depression know better than to tell these things to someone else. Anyway, It's early in the morning I believe, in a couple hours I'll be off to my personal hell. So, all I'm looking for is someone to help me cope, someone to talk to me when I'm borderline suicidal. Anyway, I hope all of you have a good night/morning/evening. I will try to get some sleep now before morning... Goodnight <3

Tonight I had an argument with a guy I'm dating on the phone. It was tough, but I was excited because I managed to be skillful.. Not blow up at him, and communicate my real underlying feelings. Fast forward a few hours, I come to find out through a mutual acquaintance that he has told numerous people we both know how "insane" and unstable and generally psychotic I am. I fully admit, i am not easy to be with. I'm textbook BPD and he has hung in there with me through some big emotional blow ups. He, however is extremely emotionally repressed, doesn't communicate well.. And it's a challenge. Anyway, it now makes sense why, on the rare occasions I overcome my social anxiety and get out... I get side-eyed, cold stares, rolled eyes and a whole bunch of bitch faces. Nearly every person in my life seems to see me as a lunatic who is about to have a meltdown at any moment. Its insulting, fragilizing, demeaning, and most of all... It hurts so much. I want to find a rock, curl up under it, and just die. So much for feeling hopeful.

I have been stumbling along trying so hard to keep anyone from noticing how hard I struggle. I am scared of people around me knowing what is actually going on for me. I am getting really tired of being so alone, I know the next logical step is to see a professional. Until I work up the courage I would appreciate meeting other people that have come out of hiding.

I only have two friends, and they mostly spend time with me because they know all about my mental health issues and feel bad for me. Other people just judge me all the time. Most won't even talk to me really. I'm bad at social stuff. I can't even talk about normal stuff people talk about because I don't have anything to say. When they talk about parties and friends and relationships, what am I supposed to talk about? I don't go to any parties. And I never had a relationship. I hate being at the bottom of the social hierarchy. No one takes me seriously. I hate being fat and ugly and being judged for it. Even as a MI person my life would be so different if I were attractive. I just can't seem to get any new friends. I took a year off uni for health reasons and now people I used to know don't talk to me, and I'm too much of a social retard to talk to any new people. Even when I do I just embarrass myself, and the few who talk to me do so out of pity.