Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'anixety'.
Found 2 results
Hi everybody, I'm new here and this is my first post! I am a binge eater and have struggled with BED for roughly the past five years. I have always been slightly overweight, as is my entire family, and we also have a history of yoyo-dieting and eating disorders in the family. My sister and brother were both nearly hospitalised as a result of anorexia, and I too went through a time on which I can now look back and say that I was anorexic and obsessed with exercise as a means to rid my body of what I had eaten. I am an opera singer, and while i was studying opera in 2012, I developed nodules on my vocal cords and had to withdraw from my course and all current and future engagements I had lined up. I was terribly depressed and anxious about what the future might hold, but mostly bored, and so I ate, and ate and ate. I gained and dropped weight over the next few years as food became a crutch for my anxiety--I tried to eat mainly salads and high protein meals, but whenever things went wrong and i felt chaotic and without a sense of centre, I would reach for food I didn't even really want. I would buy binge foods and eat them in secret in my room or in my car, or in (cringe) public bathrooms, and sometimes i would come to my senses half way through eating a supermarket bag full of food and go and throw the lot in the trash ( a huge waste). I went to see a CBT therapist who painstakingly tried to drag details of a tortured childhood (which i didn't have) from me, as a way to get to the bottom of it, and then gave me some mental exercises and an 'emotion wheel' worksheet to fill out at home whenever I felt a binge coming on. But I felt silly and like a pathetic child with a colouring book so I never really committed to that. Then phentermine (in the form of the pill duromine) came into my life, and I became addicted to it. I lost a ton of weight, and when it stopped working I doubled and then tripled the dose, making sure to fit in a bikram class, kickboxing class and 10km every single day on an almost empty stomach. I also became obsessed with the idea of intermittent fasting and would go days at a time not eating a thing. But i felt confident and happy and finally myself, free from the physical and emotional burden of extra weight. But of course, this rosy existence couldn't last for long. i knew I needed to stop taking phentermine because it was dangerous, and I was obtaining it illegally, and I had also noticed it was affecting my voice negatively and totally drying out my throat. I moved to scotland to study my masters in opera, and the first few months in this totally different environment, having to make friends and 'prove myself' as a singer in the international opera school there.. well, it was intimidating. And I ate, continuously and with reckless abandon, and gained weight. I was prescribed a combination of topirimate (starting at 25mg and worked up to 100mg every evening) and wellbutrin (150mg twice daily). Eventually I felt more settled, opened a gym contract and even got a lovely boyfriend who i eventually moved in with. i never really felt the medication made a difference, but I was feeling happier and more relaxed and so stopped taking it. I did continue to gain weight, and to eat foods that were previously 'forbidden', but I wasn't bingeing. Fast forward to now-- I have been living in Italy for a month and a half, taking a course in opera directing, and I would estimate I have binged on average 5 out of every 7 days I've been here. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel so isolated and anxious and unsettled and I cannot stop EATING. I always find it difficult getting used to a new place, and it is extra difficult when it is a foreign country, although I am semi-fluent in Italian. I do still have topamax and wellbutrin with me and have started to take it again. I think it is working and I don't feel nearly as hungry-- I don't feel that uncontrollable urge to binge-- But I am still bingeing. Why? I still feel like I HAVE to do it for some reason. The habit is so engrained. if there is food in the cupboard and the fridge, it must be eaten (even if it's something I don't like). I go to the supermarket, stand around for hours trying to make the 'right' decisions, end up making some slightly dubious ones, take it all home and eat the lot. I am unable to save things for later, or for instance, buy a slab of chocolate and consume a piece or two after dinner. I am still in the gym most days, and love to run, swim and lift weights--it makes me feel light and powerful and free--but I'm sabotaging myself every day with this terrible condition and I need to kick it.
Just spoke to my GP about the hellish time I'm having lately. He decided that until I wait out an appropriate time on my new dose of Citalopram, the only thing he can help with is anxiety. So I've been put on Propranolol Betablockers for my ridiculous anxiety. I'm collecting the meds tonight, anything I should be worried about? Have they proved effective for others?