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Found 7 results

  1. This is selfish and stupid, but i will waste your time to ask opinions, as i am desperate. When i was 11 i got severely bullied (physical, violent) at a new school for a year before my mother realised and moved me. Before, she kept telling me 'ignore them, they'll go away'. I took the bullying by gangs surrounding me to mean, you deserve to be annihilated, to die, die; and my mother's instructions to mean, you have no right to defend yourself. This was a physically felt meaning, not pondering. Looking for an explanation, i found fundamentalist christianity which said: you were born evil and deserve to be tortured for all eternity and only constant begging forgiveness and a complete change of personhood can save you. Nobody around had any psychological understanding - this was long ago - and i had no-one to talk. As a christian i tried to 'kill myself alive' because I didn't have the guts to kill myself but hated myself and wanted to kill myself, which continues, I am a sadist against myself. I got along in life by ignoring my emotions that's where they lead and instead being logical and disciplined: I planned my work and worked my plan. Everything failed, over and over again, I will only give a few examples: I turned out to be infertile after trying to get pregnant for seven years, I trained for various jobs and got work experience but could never pass interviews; my back gave way at random and still does and is painful but I never got a diagnosis. Finally, every last hope I had of escaping the life I hated, of constant mental pain and suicidal ideation (it's called? i had severe bouts of wanting to or fearing that i would kill myself eg six months in bed unable to move saying 'die' over and over, or one day waking with nothing but terror which lasted a fortnight, throughout my life, but no realistic suicide attempts) but with other emotions as well, failed within a year. Something inside me snapped and everything gave way. I had substituted constant going out and huge acquaintance for lack of friends throughout my life, but I found out I knew no-one I could talk to. Everything had always interested me, but suddenly all my 'interests' left me cold. I had always had a vivid, creative imagination constantly bubbling away with new ideas and plans, I could come up with original and creative stuff in every field, it was the only way I passed academically, my ideas were always novel: suddenly it had vanished. I've never trusted my own mind, or that things were real. I kept finding myself crying or shrieking 'I can't take it any more, I can't bear it' but I don't know what this meant, I often couldn't breathe from the pain, I couldn't bear to live another moment, I couldn't sleep. I live deep in a village and can't drive, I would go off into the fields so I could shriek or scream or roll around crying on the ground. This intense level of pain lasted about 3 months and then a lesser level another 3 or 6. I learned to control it by not thinking about the past or future because these are what set the fear off but pretending every day is an identical repeat. I don't have the physical effects like exhaustion any more but I have lost the ability to do mental arithmetic, at which I excelled, and spelling. Even if the art therapist says 'draw something' I think 'draw a line' but have to find one to copy, so my imagination's gone. It's been three years but I can't get any clue what's wrong with me and what happened. At the time I was volunteering at a school in the hopes of getting enough experience to adopt. I really believed that if I told the parents at the open evening that I was a paedophile*, they would lynch me: I wanted to die, the pain was unbearable, but I was too cowardly to do it myself. I really believed I would definitely die and no-one would blame them and everybody would be happy and it would cause no trouble. I'm not proud I did it but really can't remember it properly, it's like it happened to another person. So I'm on the sex offenders' list, I have to avoid one town and large parts of two others (only 3 within easy reach), and some part of me thought, maybe my perception of reality is wrong. (Duh.) I forced the doctor to send me to a psychiatrist and they also assessed me for autism (their idea) and my diagnosis is autism. But I think I am mentally ill. Not knowing what the pain and fear are that coming upon me at random or if I dare to think about life is unbearable. I want to know what's wrong with me and what happened: where did my feelings go? Why did my cognitive function (eg short term memory, all thinking) suddenly and sharply degrade; my imagination vanish overnight; my feelings disappear; all my interests? At the time I felt terrified that I was falling in an endless void deaf and blind, like a trapdoor opened in life and everything turned into 2D scenery and I fell; now it feels like there is one world inside my skull and another outside. I spend most of my day distracting myself with the internet and reading, usually I feel a pleasant dull numbness and just bouts of this fear-pain. I get art therapy and have twice seen a psychiatric nurse. If I say to any of them 'I am in fear, what is this pain' they just say 'I don't know' 'how strange' 'you tell me'. They won't say anything's wrong with me or anything happened. I didn't expect them to cure me but I did expect a diagnosis. At first they said it was autism, now they make out it's only happened to me and it's a complete mystery. They want me to repeat my former life eg join evening classes because then I will make friends, for the first time in half a century, miraculously, and have meaning in my life. But I hated my life, I studied and worked to escape it, my meaning was escaping that hell, for decades. I lost all hope and meaning vanished with it. What I experienced was emotional exhaustion: I had had so many painful knockbacks, and each time I ignored my feelings, relied on discipline, picked myself up and started again. But this time something snapped inside like old elastic, went limp, didn't respond. It's like you have to manufacture emotions each time you feel them and I am too exhausted inside to make these emotions, I just feel flat and can't respond to things (people, ideas, events). I don't want anyone to think I live in constant suffering: weirdly, after five years' unemployment I got a job, I spend as long commuting by rural bus as at work, and so kill a lot of time. Everything is perfectly pleasant: but it is like spending your life imprisoned in a luxury doctor's waiting room, with all the entertainment you might want, food, warmth, drink, toilets, beds, but no meaning in life, no point, terrifying if you think about it and perfectly pleasant if you refuse to. I have to ask you to believe me that, by poverty, not driving, and rural location, there is almost no service or person or self-help group I can access, nearly all I have found by constant internet and IRL search have said 'no, your case is too difficult', I have finally found one psychotherapist who says she will teach me the correct way to talk and listen next year. I totally accept the autism diagnosis, and it explains a lot – inability to pass my first thousand job interviews (my calculation is I have been to that many, since I often had several a week and have spent most of several decades jobhunting unemployed), inability to ever make close friends, not knowing how I feel until it's too late. But I can't get over my fear of not knowing what happened or how to predict if it will happen again, if things will change (after 3 years I assume not) etc. What I want isn't sympathy (my selfpity is limitless!) but information about what this strange numbness is, this failure to work of your emotions, what happened in the sudden crisis of pain? I just want to know what that is, or have some clue. I am a sceptic and doubt everything, nobody should be afraid that by suggesting an idea I will obey it or suffer: in fact, I argue with every suggestion, I can't help it, rudely so. I am sorry to waste your time so much, but if you have experienced anything similar or have any suggestions, I would be fascinated to hear them. I am not set on believing I am mentally ill or in search of any diagnosis, I am open to any ideas and have searched autism info for explanations: I just want to understand, to have a clue where I am and what happened to me. Thanks in advance, maia (UK) *i don't like sex, with children or otherwise, i'm frigid, though as a woman, I have done it, by lying there, rigid with embarrassment NB i have dyspraxia-autism, not rainman/Grandin type, i have no short or long term memory, balance, spatial perception, hate maths, can't bear to be alone, no sensory issues etc i just can't recognise my emotions or express them or read others' emotions or therefore share feelings
  2. Hey everyone, how do you feel post meltdown? And how long does it generally last? I had one last night for the first time in a long time and I'm feeling so drained today. I've been paying a lot more attention to my energy since getting back on meds and I was curious what you all find.
  3. So when I first started taking wellbutrin I remember remarking to myself that "this makes me feel less autistic", eye contact became easier, I seemed to be a bit less clumsy, I was able to pay attention to people talking. What it realllllllly reallly affected, that I didn't realize at all because it happened so slowly, was my sensory sensitivities. This was one of the things that I really didn't even realize was out of the ordinary until I learned it wasn't typical. And with the medication numbing it so gradually, I didn't really notice it was gone. I've been off it for a little over a week now and I've actually felt a couple times that I was going completely, over the edge insane. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING. On Sunday I noticed it, yesterday I could hardly stand being in a restaurant, and today my ears literally hurt. And I'm realizing that this is how I always used to feel. It's actually tiring me out- my mental fortitude is so low, because my brain is processing so much. I can feel everything, which is mostly just annoying but manageable, but these sounds are making me crazy. I got home from work after sleeping 12 hours last night and crawled into bed just to be in a quiet dark place. But I was awoken as soon as my boyfriend got home, because I heard him when he was still outside. I'd cover my ears with my hands but then I can just hear the blood rushing through my hands. Is there anything you've found helps? Good sounds? calming sounds that overwash the other sounds? Even tales of camaraderie/experiencing this will make me feel better right now.
  4. Hello I'm Woody, some one called me that the other day so I thought I would go with that name. I also loved Toy story when I was a kid. Not very good at summarising so apologise, this will possible turn into an essay. Will probably also provide far to much information too but not good at knowing what to say or what not to say. so either I say nothing or everything. I'm female (23) though normally I feel a lot younger. Found CB when googling about SI. Or more, reasons why I shouldn't. So that covers one part of why I am here. I've been self harming since I was about 13. starting with taking overdoses and then moving on to cutting. I hadn't done it in seven weeks till last week. and I'm trying not to do it again... I wonder how long that will last. Em history.. I've been hospitalised 6 times I think starting when I was 14 last time a few months ago. I've been diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's Syndrome specifically) with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) ADD, ODD, Dyspepsia, Dyslexia, Synsnasia And Sensory Processing disorder. Took quite a while to be diagnosed with anything but when I did got a load at once. Currently doing Schema therapy once a week. It helps but is really hard. This week will be seventeenth session and see Pdoc (is that psychiatrist?) sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. Was sexually abused as a kid and raped when I was 18. Em so have PTSD too (Don't know if I've actually been diagnosed with that officially but every time I see doc she refers to what going on with me under that name, I don't really care at this stage there's been so many clinical labels its overloading sometimes, and really its all just different parts of me.) I'm good a dissociating, I've been told, but I'm meant to trying not to do that cause its just away of avoiding what really going on but I am very good at avoiding too and suffer from depression with borderline behaviours (what ever that means). If I were to put all these acronyms after my name I'd look super qualified. I deferred college this year (Just got through First Year) because I was too afraid to go back. Turns out I am a perfectionist and get so afraid of failure I just wont even begin. Which in itself is Failure. I'm ruled by logic but sometimes my emotions override that and I go into a state of abstract logic which may not be logic at all. But I can convince myself otherwise. Right now I feel horrible, can't eat (that parts new), cant sleep can't concentrate. Though I should maybe start writing a bit more cause this is helping a little bit. Out in the world, when I manage to go out, I hold everything in. (not by choice, not not by choice, I don't know how to explain.) I'm generally very honest, blunt. with nearly everything but how I am feeling. I just can't seem to express how I feel. I suppose I feel locked inside myself when out in the world. And I want to take control and tell the truth, say how I feel but its like I'm not in control of me. I go to say "actually no I'm absolutely not OK, I'm not coping, I feel so alone, I'm not safe." but I can't, the journey the words make from my mind to my voice feels broken. as if I have a virus there and I cant be honest in they most important way and all I can say is "I'm OK" and I'm not. at home the last few days is unbearable either I'm in tears (at least I can still cry, maybe I should see that as a good thing.) or I'm numb. sometimes its a bit like being stuck on an aeroplane, not going anywhere, with a foggy feeling in my head unable to concentrate on anything, irritated by background noise and restless. Recently I think the only thing keeping me alive is having ASD and my logical mind, being unable to believe in anything. Like faith. If I had faith I'd be dead. but I don't and I'm terrified of the unknown, too much to do anything. but I'm not really living. I'm alive, surviving but not living.. I could write a lot more but I think I've probably wrote to much already. Maybe I'll write some more in another post and maybe ill be able to be more positive another time. But today... I'm absolutely not OK. (I've read the User Agreement, but will read it again as I might forget some of it sometime.)
  5. How on earth does one on the spectrum manage the feelings of sadness/stress/fear for an ill loved one while another healthy grief stricken family member demands help and attention? My grama is very ill, and my mom is reasonably quite upset, but unreasonably sending me very very frightening and alarmist messages to drop my entire day and plans and life because she's practically dead- oh, wait, we're going for lunch. Or- oh, wait, she just really needs fluids but she'll probably be okay. I've talked with her about it, but I doubt she really gets it at all or why it isn't okay to do that. Any stories/theories/impressions about asd and dealing with grief? A time full of stress compounded by an increased social pressure?
  6. As a person on the spectrum, what sort of therapy works for you? I have heard that the diagnosis matters in regards to ASD, and feeling that I am on the spectrum and not being able to speak about it, I really feel that. But WHAT is the treatment that is used? I know you can't medicate away autism, so what do you do?? And WTF can I ask for from my counselor until my assessment?
  7. I'm scheduled with my tdoc to have an assessment for asperger's tomorrow, but I'm not sure exactly what he'll be doing. If it's anything like the ADHD assessment I had, it will be me ticking a bunch of boxes with a numerical rating that indicates frequency on a questionnaire. Is it possible to dx just based on a questionnaire for ASDs? Or would that be a stepping stone? i.e. the test indicates I fall within a diagnosible range, so more thorough testing afterward would be done? I'm not entirely sure what to expect. Can anyone shed light on this? If it's of assistance, I'm in the USA and am seeing a psychologist that is a doctor.
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