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  1. [This post assumes that both genders can be victims of sexual aggression, and examples herein, while grammatically gendered, are not so to demonstrate a gender-specific point. Don't throw brickbats.] I read in the news today that Neil deGrasse Tyson has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior by three women. I have no idea whether he is on-spectrum; given his fluency as a communicator, I doubt it. But reading the details got me thinking. One complained that he peeked under the covered part of the shoulder on her sleeveless dress to see a tattoo of the solar system that she had mentioned at a party of the International Astronomical Congress; while she apparently acknowledges it wasn't an assault, she says it shows he is capable of "creepy behavior". Another felt he had given her an "awkward and incredibly intimate handshake". The third, more serious, alleges waking up naked in his graduate student bed in 1984 after blacking out from a drink he had given her, with no memory of what had happened, but assuming he had drugged and raped her. She did file a police report years later, and began blogging about the incident in 2014, the year Tyson began hosting Cosmos on television, 30 years after the alleged event. I detail these things because I can easily, easily imagine an Aspie committing either of the first two gaffes in utter and complete innocence, and a neurotypical losing his or her wig over it because of a whole suitcase full of assumptions. And then... OMG, #MeToo! The pile-on begins. The suspicion. The pre-judgment. The inquiry. The Trial-by-Twitter. Is the Aspie, is the HFA, prepared, even equipped to contend with this? Hardly, because it is a social onslaught of NT making. It is warfare on the most hostile possible battlefield. Now, this is not to say that autistics cannot be guilty of interpersonal offense. Delayed development of social skills may result in inappropriate expression - indeed, "creepy behavior". Auties may not have a neurotypical's appreciation of personal boundaries. Yet there must be some consideration for the difference between willful sexual aggression and aggression without intent. For example: If a neurotypical 13-year-old boy walked up to a woman and openly touched her breast, there would rightly be consternation and outcry. That boy is old enough to understand that that constitutes a transgression. If an Aspie 13-year-old boy walked up to a woman and openly touched her breast, the degree of his offense would depend on the degree of his autism. He could very well simply be fixated on the shape, or the color of the blouse, or the fact that she as an individual differed from the individual next to her, in a tactile way, and did not process that an investigation was not in order. A neurotypical bystander, however, would not draw this distinction. Both cases would represent sexual harassment, because the woman would have had the sanctity of her body violated, and her sensibility outraged. And this is where my question arises with respect to the entire movement: Is there not some point at which a person's sensibilities - in essence, their feelings - must be weighed against other factors to determine whether an action rises to the level of an offense? The Universe is full of upsets; we are not guaranteed to be made constantly happy, not by events, and certainly not by one another. Indeed, that would be an impossibility, because it is seldom possible to make two persons equally happy in a single matter in which both are equally invested. At some point, the offended person must accede to accepting some level of annoyance, discomfort, embarrassment, shame or affront in situations, or we would all be constantly knifing one another for pounds of flesh (and then knifing one another over the knifings). Was the woman harmed when Mr. Tyson curiously looked at her shoulder? She was not. Was she embarrassed? Possibly. Was she demeaned in front of colleagues? One would have had to be present to know. Did Mr. Tyson act out of salacious intent, or simply because he couldn't resist looking at an image of the solar system? One would have to know him well to say, but his body of public life and work suggests the latter. Was the woman harmed by being creeped out by his handshake? She was not. Was she made to feel uncomfortable about further workplace interaction with him as a result? Ah! Here, one may come to differing views. In my view, she was not made to do so; she chose to do so. She did not address the issue in a positive-affirmative manner saying, "I'm sorry, that made me feel uncomfortable" and I would prefer to keep our relationship purely professional", thus giving him an opportunity to back gracefully away. She instead took the offense and ran with it, informing him that the next day would be her last day at work. She elevated the value of her own sensibility to a level higher than both the value of her job or the value of the fairness she owed to another human being. To my mind, she fails the test for sympathy. Because autistics so frequently are unable to relate to neurotypicals on an emotional level - i.e., the level of sensibilities - the possibility of negotiating understanding in this sphere is limited. That suggests the likelihood that autistics may tend to stumble more frequently in this arena of social conduct, and to fare poorly under a neurotypical lens when confronted. Perhaps, #MeNToo would be more accurate? Thoughts? Edited to add: Never mind the #MeNToo idea - I can already hear the fits being thrown because it looks like “men too”.
  2. So yesterday, I did some semi sort of like deep thinking into myself. I actually went and googled, "why do I always manage to unintentionally offend people?" And the first result had to do with Aspergers. I've not ever thought I had Aspergers, and I'm not going to self diagnose myself with something because it's....not a good idea. Reading more of the symptoms, however & how it affects relationships, etc I was wondering if I might have it. I plan on going to my doctor and requesting a test as well, just in case. I've never had anyone say they thought I might have it, none of the multiple doctors I've seen have suggested it. My question, though is. Does having Aspergers affect my SSI amount? I can't get SSDI because I've not earned enough work credits, and I understand SSI is also based off income. Basically, does having another illness diagnosed to my other list of illnesses going to make any kind of difference to my SSI amount? I'm assuming not, but I thought I would ask. Maybe someone with Aspergers can answer this?? Or someone who just got diagnosed with a new illness while on SSI. I've not been on my SSI too terribly long, almost a year now maybe and I'm most of the way to understanding it all but,
  3. ** Please do not read this if you are easily triggered. I go into graphic detail about my past, as there is a lot I need to get off my chest anonymously. However, caveat lector. ** Hello! I go by the name Hellbent. I'm 18, and live in the British Isles. I have a long and storiaed history of mental quirks and quiddities. I taught myself to read at tewo from reading the captions underneath pictures in my grandfather's newspapers, and from reading food packaging. I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at 5 or 6, and declared a "gifted and talented child". I'm uncertain whether the "gifted and talented" diagnosis still exists, or whether it ever meant anything at all. I was offered a scholarship to a prestigious educational institute for the gifted and talented in the Western Isles, but my mother held me back because "my emotional development would never catch up with my intellectual development". The institute in question mostly catered for teenagers, and my mother feared that I may have been bullied. I resent that greatly. If I had been sent there, I would have escaped the living hell that my mother put me through. Although I was originally diagnosed with "high-functioning" autism, my IQ testing well over 100, my behaviour as I slowly, slowly grew up would certainly have landed me in the "classical autism" group had my child psychiatrists been around to see it. (I spent a lot of time as a child playing cruel games with my child psychiatrists!) There were holires in the plasterboard walls of the house where I grew up because I'd throw myself against them repeatedly at the slightest inkling of frustration or sadness. Indeed, I don't believe I ever felt any emotion but frustration until my preteens - when my grandfather died, confined to a nursing home after a life of undiagnosed PTSD from fighting in the Pacific Theatre and depression resulting from a series of disabling strokes and TIAs, in and out of the local mental hospital in which I would later spend time, I felt more empathetic frustration for him, having been trapped in a dark, stinking, crude environment for almost a year, most likely the home's only inmate with an intact mind, than I did sadness. I feel strong empathy, but I am almost unable to feel sympathy. In a poem whose name I cannot remember, the Scottish poet Norman MacCaig talks of "the distance of pain which nothing can overcome". In that line, MacCaig expresses his frustration that he cannot share in his dying wife's pain. I am that nothing - I feel very acutely the pain of others. I felt everything that my grandfather went through, from his horror of a pot lid rattling - my synaesthesia brought on tehe exact same imagery of gunfire that I am certain must have occurred to him - to his unspeakable despair at his confinement to a nursing home. Thus, I felt no true sadness when he died, but, rather, an intense echo of his lifelong frustration at his inability to function. He had been an actuary before he had been conscripted - he taught me to multiply and dievide on an abacus when I was 6 or 7, and many, many arithmetic shortcuts - but, as far as I know, he never could hold down work after the war. Until the ages of 11 or 12, I never felt any emotion of my own, only empathetic feelings from others, except for frustration. I first experienced psychosis at around 9 or 10. I heard my aunt's voice calling my name repeatedly, as if from the sky. She wasn't so much as in the house at all. I ascribed it to angels, and became obsessed with angels. I was intended to be raised a Catholic, but after my parents' divorce my mother tried to get me into the Free Church of Scotland Continuing - which I had no time for. I found their cadence to be dour, inhuman, and deathly sexless. I collected holy cards obsessively. I was especially fascinated by St. Christina Mirabilis and by St. Sebastian, and I had quite a few of them. I ordered them from the Internet. At 11, menarche hit, and, in a fit (that word will occur again in quite a different context) of confusion eerily echoing what was later to be one of my favourite films (guess?), I believed that, for it to have come about quite so early, it must be a sign of something. I came to believe that I was St. Margaret of Cortona. I cut the word "Cortona" into my chest with my grandfather's whittling knife, and came quite close to slashing up my genitalia on several occasions. I tried, thankfully fruitlessly (funny choice of word!), to find one of those extremist Islamist doctors who carry out infibulations. Later that year, I came across a website dedicated to a - clearly somehow mentally ill - Internet artist and unintentional celebrity. Years earlier, she'd posted an innocent picture of herself on a forum, not realising how obsessive the denizens of that forum had been. They tracked down her Livejournal, where she had posted page after page of conceptual photography, some explicit. The website I'm now discussing sprung up as a place of veneration for this unfortunate girl. The website kicked off my first phase of serious self-injury, as the girl being so intensely deified had been a heavy self-injurer, and many of the posters on this website encouraged self-injury. I was a believer in mortification of the flesh, and I did some quite unmentionable things in pursuit of paying tribute to the girl I too came to worship. The website closed down a couple rof yearrs later, but a similar, although far less extreme, site survives, and I was a regular poster there until recently. I would dress up in the vogue of the "goddess"'s most famous pictures on group video chat. The worst phase of my cult membership, for it was indeed a cult, was the time I covered my school uniform in menstrual blood, smeared it across my face, and wrote the address of the website all over my school in it. That incident led to my first non-PDD diagnosis: psychotic depression. I was put on fluoxetine, which quite possibly explains what happened next. The next notable incident in the development of my health occurred, again, at the tail end of my eleventh year. Quite possibly my worst year to date. I had what I now recognise as a manic episode, and adopted an alternate identity. I developed a fixation on an anime cartoon, and spent all of my time on a website dedicated to it, mainly populated by older men. Being hypersexual (indeed, I am constantly hypersexual, even when depressed; I am beginning to believe that I am a clinical nymphomaniac) and a raging teleiophile, I attempted to proposition many of them, addressing them using my adopted identity. Said identity developed into a full-blown manic personality. I became somewhat bisexual, but in a very bizarre way: I was attracted to very, very young girls, and to far older men. These days, I've settled down into simply heterosexual attraction to moderately older men, but those days were wild. I never looked at porn, oddly enough - I gave it a try, but found it all too synthetic and silly - but I constantly fantasised about things I don't feel that I can mention. In the real world, I insisted on being addressed by my alternate name, and acted incredibly callously and antisocially. I became obsessed with computers, built one, and then began to collect them. My room was small, so I could barely move for all the computer rubbish. My mother indulged my eccentricity at first, but later began to lose her temper with my Victorian style of dress, borderline-hoarding, and use of gamers' language in Blakean syntax, and took me to a chiropractor, who "prescribed" multivitamins. By 12, the cycling induced by the fluoxetine had thrown me into a depression. I had had suicidal thoughts since 8 or 9, but first acted on them at 12. I put the Manics' song "Die in the Summertime" on repeat and attempted to slit my wrists with the same knife I'd pulled the "Cortona" nonsense with. Thankfully, I think I only hit a bunch of capillaries, and I managed to stem the bleeding in about seven hours once I realised it wasn't going to work. My mother let it slide, but I was bullied at school. I'd already been bullied at school for my meltdowns, but it worsened so, so much when my classmates noticed the cuts on my wrists. From 13 to 14, my mental health improved greatly. I was taken off the fluoxetine, shook off the manic alternate personality, and excelled at school. I passed my Intermediate 2s with seven As, and two Highers with an A and, er, a C. I was invited to an Advanced Higher English course, and accepted, but had to drop out before I began my dissertation - it was to be on Irish vs. Scottish black humour in literature, comparing MacCaig's poetry and The House with the Green Shutters with The Third Policeman and After the Wake - because my aunt, who mostly brought me up and whom I loved dearly, developed throat cancer, and I couldn't focus on writing when I could feel the agony that my aunt was going through. In late 2010, I began to believe that I was beginning to look old, and that I needed to look younger to find a re al boyfriend, so I stopped eating for days on end. In 2011 this worsened. In January 2011 I was almost 9st; in July 2011 I was close to 4st. I was hospitalised with multiple organ failure, and diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. In September I was sent to residential inpatient, where I spent one day short of a year. Being a CAMHS unit, it was dire; I would far rather have been sent to an adult mental hospital. My fellow inpatients competed with one another constantly to be the sickest. At one point, I lost my temper with one girl to the extent that I punched her in the face and slapped her against a wall. The incident was recorded on CCTV, and, had I not been so underweight, I would have been expelled from the unit. I was NG fed for some time. My more recent mental illness experiences are a little too raw yet to be spoken of in public, and, besides, I've rambled on long enough. My final major diagnoses were occipital lobe epilepsy - I had what I now recognise as partial seizures, many, many migraines, and a couple of possible tonic-clonics as a child, but was only given an EEG at 16, and had a tonic-clonic during the strobe test, and subsequently had several MRIs which confirmed brain damage and epilepsy - and schizoaffective bipolar disorder at 17, which I doubted at first, believing myself to be borderline, but, after some research into the topic, found that it fit (hah) perfectly. I hope that I'll fit (there I go with that same pun again) in here alright.
  4. I suck at compartmentalizing but I'll try to here--because I can write a book (and likely will once my son's legal issues are resolved). My son has Aspergers and ADHD/Impulsivity. A friend of his began cutting when my son was @11 or so . My son began then. I wasn't sure if it was imitation, trying to find acceptance because he's never had more than 1 friend at a time and social engagement is a major problem for him since he was @5. Partly because people don't understand his quirkiness and his autistic reactions to stuff and our culture trains kids to run to cops for every last thing that seems "odd" to them. He was bullied a lot and, because he's a boy, was blamed for either being the bully himself or for "being a whimp" and "not standing up to bullies." Great way to confuse the hell out of any kid let alone an Aspie. But I also knew then he'd been through a lot of trauma as a kid. Public school was an unrelenting nightmare through 5th grade and we switched to an online/in-person school where he could get individualized education and the flexibility he needed. We've had lots of visits from law enforcement, only one of which was by an officer who was calm and professional and has an Aspie daughter so he knew was happening and didn't create chaos like the others had in the past. When he began cutting @ 11, I wondered what it was. I tried to remain calm and was pragmatic: remove the instruments then he can't cut (boy was I an idiot). He handed me my missing X-acto knife and my blades from my art supply box. Then he used the kitchen knives, scissors, the utility knives from my tools, edges of paper, paper clips, a machete, stuff he found along the side of the road, screw drivers. I tried not to be emotional in front of him. I couldn't keep up with his ability to find and use things. I installed a lock on the kitchen knives but the landlord fined me for "damaging" her cabinets. Whatever, I paid the fine and didn't remove the lock. I couldn't afford a giant safe to lock all my tools, all the paper and office supplies, etc. inside; still can't. But after a while there were no more marks so I thought it was done. It seemed to be. then he started seeing this girl. She seemed very sweet. He was happy, he cleaned his room, he did his schoolwork so he could go see her, he bathed. But later we found out--through a whole sordid mess with her psycho fundie father who threatened his life before I knew what was going on and had to hire a lawyer to protect him from this asshole--she was a cutter. He had tried to help her stop. So for being in love with a girl and trying to help he's been blamed and victimized by the system. Plus the trauma from the girl's sick father. So now he's in isolation for legal reasons... and he's back to cutting. I found out yesterday when I got the always dreaded "phone call" from his school. He used social media without our knowledge somehow and some girls he liked saw a pic of the new cuts, freaked out, told their guidance counselor at their school they feared he was suicidal (he wasn't) who called our principal. I had to call the lawyer and blabbity blah. More money to protect him from people's hysterics and drama. I was pretty upset. I din't have to say anything; he's a sensitive kid and picks up on other's vibe with uncanny depth. He told me via a note he hand wrote last night telling me what he needed and what was going on. He wanted a different therapist and his pdoc referred us to some (all NOT on our insurance). He wants to "talk" using a note pad and to only talk to someone else. The atty says he can't talk about certain things... I can't explain that to him and he needs help right the fuck now not later when the legal shit's resolved. I never imagined in my wildest nightmares that I would have to parent any of this. I'm angry, with the system, with fundie Xtians, and especially with myself--I mean, I HAD to have caused this somehow. I know he got all my fucked up MI genes (my fam is loaded with Aspies, ADDs and BPs, her's has one BP and she blames me constantly for ruining her kids, yay). I've been the SAHP for seventeen years. I can't imagine i did a sufficient job of it. I know I haven't. He said in his note not to freak out about his cutting. I'm trying not to. Especially in front of him. But I don't know what to do. I don't get it. This is one more thing on a shitpile of things he has to deal with, why would he want to add this into the mix? I know I'm supposed to get it. I'm supposed to be a man and just carry it and not be emotional and not feel about anything and just keep everything and everyone together. Well, I've always sucked at that. That's why my marriage is shit. All I know is I have to help him and I don't know how. And I don't know how to process and sort it out inside my own overwhelmed brain and heart... I used to hold him and hug him a lot when he was younger. I know he resents that I don't hug him. I cannot do it. If I do I'll fucking fall completely apart. My dad was cold and angry with me all the time. He was analytical and fundie-judgmental and I was the of-the-devil artistic boy who was emotional and had Tourettes (Gods curse for my dad marrying my non-fundie liberal mother). I know how much it hurts to have a father like that. I don't want to be that way with my son. Never have wanted that. But I can't do it. It's like the connection point that'll just break me ad then what? Everyone relies on me to get things done (and gets to hear from her how I don't help, seriously?!). I don't know how much longer I can. I have to. But if things settle down, I'm out. A person can only take so much for so long. [Mods: Water had a great & helpful thread and it's specific to her situation so I'm doing this separately. Am I doing this correctly?]
  5. Hi, I am back after a year maybe, I'm not sure anymore. I am a thirty year old girl, been diagnosed Bipolar II and ADHD since August 2011. I have had my fair share of the crazy stuff, hospitalized once, finally off Antipsychotics, and now relatively stable.To be clear, I have Bipolar II and ADHD. She has Bipolar II, suspected Aspergers and ADHD as well. I have been posting here actively before but I stopped because of some unhelpful comments from my last posts. But now, I need some insights and I am hoping that some people here can give me some, this time. So I finally found someone who accepts me for all that I am, including my crazy. She read my blog and was drawn to how I look at these illnesses and life, my honesty and how real I am about it. I don't strive to be normal, I don't pretend to be someone else. The interesting thing is - she also has Bipolar II disorder. It's good because I don't have to explain everything I'm going through. She's been diagnosed longer than I have been and to be honest, she is more stable than I am. My question is: Is this ever going to work for the long term? Her doctor also told her she might have mild Aspergers and she thinks she really does, but it wasn't an official diagnosis. The reason this matters is, lately we've been having problems communicating. And she said it's because she has those symptoms - not being able to get cues, read body language and understand subtle language. So I have to be very direct in what I want. And that is hard for me to do. Also, she can get hyper-focused on things (which I also get from my ADHD) but she tends to forget to respond to me and that becomes a problem especially when I'm not so stable. I tend to obsess about not getting a reply from a text and I start being anxious and get agitated. She's been very understanding and kind about it because she gets those too. And she always assures me that she won't leave me because of it. Only, she finds it hard to be mindful that I'm already experiencing those, or that I'm already being triggered because of her unresponsiveness and she said it could be because of the Aspergers. And these misunderstandings have already caused some episodes. I am not very familiar with Aspergers and I don't mean this in any way offensive but some of the symptoms described from what I read online are... sort of my pet peeves. I can be very impatient about not getting indirect language, especially from my partner because it sorts of kills it romantically. Again, I hope I don't offend anyone with the condition. I'm just being honest so someone could help me. My other problem is - the daunting... MOOD Swings. It's only been three months in the relationship. I've had some mild episodes and we saw it through but I'm worried about what's to come if we are to be having episodes at the same time - which happened recently. She's been sent to Korea for work for two weeks. Understand that we are a new couple and still very attached to each other, maybe it's the honeymoon phase. The first week has been very very difficult. We both cried when we call each other. And two days ago, we both admitted that we are near depressive episodes. She's been having a difficult time with one of the boss there because of her symptoms as well - The boss said she doesn't smile as much, even though she thinks she is already smiling. Again, another symptom of the suspected Asperger. So she's under a lot of pressure and she's been unhappy. I was having an episode because the distance has been very difficult for me, too early on. And also because of another miscommunication. But we talked it through and agreed on some ways on how we can talk to each other. Still I fear that I might not be up for it or that one day, it will be too much for both of us. What are your thoughts? And do you have any tips for making this work? She loves me very much and she said she's willing to work with me through it all. Honestly, I wasn't so sure at first but I also love her a lot and I want to be with her. So I do want to make it work. I just need some advice from those who may have experienced something similar, especially when it comes to Aspergers because this is the first time I have encountered someone with it. Thanks!
  6. As suggested by many people I finally saw a pdoc!!! I had to give a full history (from childhood) which was stressful and difficult. The doctor thought my previously diagnosed Social anxiety & OCD might actually be some traits of aspergers which I can't ever 'cure', but he wasn't totally sure. I have to read up on it and go back with a list of my symptoms that fit the criteria for adult autism spectrum. For my chronic depression & suicidal thoughts I was hoping to try different medications and get referred for therapy. He said no to the meds I wanted to try, 'too dangerous' apparently. He wants me to add an SSRI to my current combination. I feel disappointed because I stated before even meeting the doctor that I don't want another SSRI as none of the others helped me, most made me feel worse. I felt he was dismissive of my SSRI bad experiences and said side-effects will 'wear off in time' (not my experience) or 'have to be tolerated' (sigh). It also appears the SSRI+currrent med combo is actually seriously contraindicated, so I need to call up to clarify that. If that is the case it doesn't give me any confidence in his ability to manage medications. he was nice, talked to me like an adult, friendly, seemed to 'get' my OCD and social anxiety symptoms before I even explained them. he said he would 'look into' what therapy was available (socialised system here), which doesn't fill me with confidence. I have a follow up appointment in about 8 weeks; he wanted to make it 4 weeks but I said 8 because I couldn't face doing that all over again so soon. I don't know what to do - demand as second opinion? Try the SSRI he recommended (if not contraindicated)? Give up completely and accept it will never get better? thanks for reading.
  7. Hello I'm Woody, some one called me that the other day so I thought I would go with that name. I also loved Toy story when I was a kid. Not very good at summarising so apologise, this will possible turn into an essay. Will probably also provide far to much information too but not good at knowing what to say or what not to say. so either I say nothing or everything. I'm female (23) though normally I feel a lot younger. Found CB when googling about SI. Or more, reasons why I shouldn't. So that covers one part of why I am here. I've been self harming since I was about 13. starting with taking overdoses and then moving on to cutting. I hadn't done it in seven weeks till last week. and I'm trying not to do it again... I wonder how long that will last. Em history.. I've been hospitalised 6 times I think starting when I was 14 last time a few months ago. I've been diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's Syndrome specifically) with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) ADD, ODD, Dyspepsia, Dyslexia, Synsnasia And Sensory Processing disorder. Took quite a while to be diagnosed with anything but when I did got a load at once. Currently doing Schema therapy once a week. It helps but is really hard. This week will be seventeenth session and see Pdoc (is that psychiatrist?) sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. Was sexually abused as a kid and raped when I was 18. Em so have PTSD too (Don't know if I've actually been diagnosed with that officially but every time I see doc she refers to what going on with me under that name, I don't really care at this stage there's been so many clinical labels its overloading sometimes, and really its all just different parts of me.) I'm good a dissociating, I've been told, but I'm meant to trying not to do that cause its just away of avoiding what really going on but I am very good at avoiding too and suffer from depression with borderline behaviours (what ever that means). If I were to put all these acronyms after my name I'd look super qualified. I deferred college this year (Just got through First Year) because I was too afraid to go back. Turns out I am a perfectionist and get so afraid of failure I just wont even begin. Which in itself is Failure. I'm ruled by logic but sometimes my emotions override that and I go into a state of abstract logic which may not be logic at all. But I can convince myself otherwise. Right now I feel horrible, can't eat (that parts new), cant sleep can't concentrate. Though I should maybe start writing a bit more cause this is helping a little bit. Out in the world, when I manage to go out, I hold everything in. (not by choice, not not by choice, I don't know how to explain.) I'm generally very honest, blunt. with nearly everything but how I am feeling. I just can't seem to express how I feel. I suppose I feel locked inside myself when out in the world. And I want to take control and tell the truth, say how I feel but its like I'm not in control of me. I go to say "actually no I'm absolutely not OK, I'm not coping, I feel so alone, I'm not safe." but I can't, the journey the words make from my mind to my voice feels broken. as if I have a virus there and I cant be honest in they most important way and all I can say is "I'm OK" and I'm not. at home the last few days is unbearable either I'm in tears (at least I can still cry, maybe I should see that as a good thing.) or I'm numb. sometimes its a bit like being stuck on an aeroplane, not going anywhere, with a foggy feeling in my head unable to concentrate on anything, irritated by background noise and restless. Recently I think the only thing keeping me alive is having ASD and my logical mind, being unable to believe in anything. Like faith. If I had faith I'd be dead. but I don't and I'm terrified of the unknown, too much to do anything. but I'm not really living. I'm alive, surviving but not living.. I could write a lot more but I think I've probably wrote to much already. Maybe I'll write some more in another post and maybe ill be able to be more positive another time. But today... I'm absolutely not OK. (I've read the User Agreement, but will read it again as I might forget some of it sometime.)
  8. Trigger warning: mentions self harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, disordered eating Hey I've come across this site and decided to join. I'm a 19yr old Australian girl and currently trying to do a bachelors of Arts/Science at University majoring in psychology and sociology. I have only been diagnosed with mental health problems since starting Uni last year. I currently am diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (formerly known as Aspergers Syndrome), Depression and some Social Anxiety (although it's a lot better than it was). I have also struggled with self harm and alcohol abuse for the past 2 years. My eating also became disordered at the beginning of this year with restricting, binging and purging (although I managed to stop before it developed into an eating disorder). My main problems are as a result of my ASD and being severely bullied from yr 3 till yr 10. I have been unable to complete my courses this semester as I have relapsed and am currently trying to get my depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm under control. My interests include but are not limited to: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, anything by Joss Whedon, Starkid, mental health issues, feminism and other equality movements, Sherlock, zombies and politics.
  9. Hi, I'm new, but my anxiety (depression, aspergers, etc etc) is NOT!! Ok....I'm on Lamictal, been on 75mg for about 6 months now. Was on Effexor for over 15 years...didn't do me any good...tried to go off! My brain took a permanent hike into hell. So I trot on off to the doc for help...he puts me on Prozac to help with the withdrawls....YAY, I'm off Effexor. The Prozac made me angry and irritable and agitated and made all my asperger symptoms worse. Ok back to the doc I go. He puts me on Paxil....in the mean time I go to my primary care doc, cuz it is time to check my thyroid (hypothyroid here), sure enough, it is low again...so more Levothyroxine for me, as well as mega doses of Vit D (50,000 UI once a week) and 2500 mg B 12 (daily). So now, I'm on all these meds (as well as Xanax 3 mg per day divided up into smaller doses).....Oh and let's not forget Premarin, cuz I'm at "that" age (oh the joys of being female...NOT). So....anyhoo...I've been on Paxil 20mg per day (split into 2 doses), the megadoses of vitamins and the upped dose of thyroid meds (from .5 mcg to .75 mcg). And now, about one to 2 months later find myself extremely paranoid, agitated, irritable, asperger sensory sensitivities way worse than usual, BP symptoms and mood swings all over the place, I'm a mess. My question is: does Paxil, alone or combined with other meds make a person paranoid? The paranoia started at the same time as the addition of paxil, upping the Levothyroxine, and the megadoses of vitamins (for extreme fatigue). I have no job due to the BP II and the Aspergers, so, no health insurance. I pay out of pocket....which is empty right now...for doc and meds. If anyone has any helpful insight, I would sure appreciate it. Totally freaked out here in Wisconsin.....HELP!!!!!!!!!
  10. I've been obsessed with Parenthood lately, and I was just wondering what people thought about Max - his character's behaviours/presentation and his family's reaction to him.
  11. I'm scheduled with my tdoc to have an assessment for asperger's tomorrow, but I'm not sure exactly what he'll be doing. If it's anything like the ADHD assessment I had, it will be me ticking a bunch of boxes with a numerical rating that indicates frequency on a questionnaire. Is it possible to dx just based on a questionnaire for ASDs? Or would that be a stepping stone? i.e. the test indicates I fall within a diagnosible range, so more thorough testing afterward would be done? I'm not entirely sure what to expect. Can anyone shed light on this? If it's of assistance, I'm in the USA and am seeing a psychologist that is a doctor.
  12. Hi, I'm having an unclear diagnosis of either Schizoaffective disorder or Asperger's disorder (maybe plus bipolar) which is being investigated right now. Asperger's is being investigated by a team of two docs at the university clinic nearby and my own (new) doc who is uncertain about me being (schizophrenically) psychotic is reducing Zyprexa to find out. (i'm also on Prozac, Lyrica and topamax which are being continued) So de deal is, he reduced Zyprexa from 20 to 15. and guess what! i'm all TIRED and unmotivated (which doesnt make sense at all). I used to go to bed at 3 am when i was on 20mg but now i get sleepy on 11 pm and go to bed without forcing myself (sense?). I also tend to over sleep pretty much if there is nothing due. like lying in bed thinking. and even afterwards i stay in bed playing with my smartphone or listening to radio or something. it's actually kind of pleasant because i used to get racing thoughts after waking up which could only be helped by removing oneself from bed (racing thoughts with 20mg zyprexa. no racing thoughts with 15mg .... WTF! SENSE?) I'm also generally dull and droopy. or lets say i FEEL this way. my actions tell a very different story. i'm helpful at home when needed and i manage my daily activities as usual, maybe better, but i feel in a way that i should actually be unable to. which i'm not. My thoughts are also more clear, but the thing is there is not so much going on up there. it's like i'm in stand-by mode and whenever the brain is needed it turns itself on, thinks and shuts down again. it's actually also pleasant and in theory better than the racing thoughts i used to have before (on 20mg zyprexa SENSE??!!??!?!?!) but because it's new and very unusual and unfamiliar it's scaring me. On the other hand i would even fo so far and say i'm even LESS psychotic because i used to be more superstitious on 20mg zyprexa (believed more in Tarot cards and such which i now find absolutely moronic) Could this all be the begining of psychosis? maybe negative symptoms or something. I mean if i felt this way all the time, i wouldn't consider it pathological or at least more pathological than the other moods i have had before. But i'm kind of scared that this subtle changes could be the beginning of some huge shit, particularly because i have just reduced Zyprexa by 5mg and there are still 15 mg to go. BTW, I would like to invite you to read a post i posted in the Autism forum a short while ago. Maybe you can judge my mood better by reading that too. Please post your replies on that post here and not there. http://www.crazyboar...ur-sorrounding/ Thanks for reading bear.
  13. I really don't have a clue what's going on with the gabapentin but all I know is that my quality of life is better with it than without any meds. I have bi-polar with irritable mania almost daily, then I also have aspergers (or PDD-NOS, haven't been officially diagnosed but I'm on the spectrum for sure). I found this case report about it - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000199/ But here is what happened to me. I have always been miserable. I'm not looking for pity, just explaining the situation. With the aspergers I've always been a "loner". I'm 30 now and I have no friends, and no job. I get by on SSI/Medicaid from the bi-polar causing mayhem in my life. I was barely hanging on and really at the verge of death about 8 months ago. Then I had a bi-lateral neuropathy due to a genetic disorder that weakened the sheath of my nerves and the way I slept on my side cause "limp wrist" and both of the tops of my forearms to go completely dead making my hands useless. Then the intense pain started. I got on 900mg of gabapentin. I remember feeling like that neruopathy was the best thing that ever happened to me for some reason (didn't know I had aspergers at the time). Basically before, I'm 95% irritable manic with the racing thoughts that leads into terror panic attack loops. Sometimes I fear I am in actual hell. Then my mind seems to just snap and shut down and I go very depressed and do not want to do anything but sleep, and even in sleep I'm haunted by constant nightmares. So with the gabapentin, it knocks out the depression, and oddly increases the mania to 24/7 basically, but it's closer to hypomania than irritable mania. I feel better. I feel more productive. But I feel like I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, instead of talking too little to people socially, now I talk too much! I don't want to be annoying. I am seeing a psychiatrist in a month or so when I can get an appointment now that I got the Medicaid and can afford to go. I just wanted to share this because in a way it saved my life in a very strange way. But I think things can be better. I don't want to be hypomanic all the time even if it does make me be able to be social and more productive and happy. I also want to be calm sometimes, be stable, have normal sleep, be able to read books. Not be hypomanic all the time, but I would hate to lose the hypomania all together! So I don't know what to do but I hope the psychiatrist will. And in the time I have before my appointment I want to research all I can and find other experiences so I can have information to take to my new doctor. It's so crazy. My arms shutting down really saved my life. After my arms got mostly better I got off the gabapentin and went right back into that horrid state of irritable panic and mania loops into madness. I found out I had a refill left and it's like a miracle all over again. I don't know if this is the answer, or even part of the answer. But I know I would not make it much longer in my former state, but I can make it like this. But I do want to be more stable. Maybe use the gabapentin for ridding depression when it hits and when I go in public for the Aspergers, then take my clonazepam (or go to ativan again) for when I ever have panic attacks (but maybe Seroquel could stabelize that, I have no clue). There's my story I appreciate any comments! JQ
  14. A bit of background; I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 12. My parents seemed happy that it explained my odd behaviours better than the ADD I'd previously been diagnosed had. I didn't question it, it seemed to make sense. I rarely fit in with my peers (or even other autistics), I thought differently apparently, I seemed to have odd mannerisms... But now I wonder if most of those traits that said 'yes I have autism' were present because I was told they were... I'm transgender, and begun transitioning 3-4 years ago. During that time I've noticed I've become more social, more emotive, less 'odd', I begun to fit in with my peers (still not with autistics). People don't me when I say I'm autistic. My psychologist doubts it (she did her internship with autistic/Aspergers kids). Of course this could just be me feeling more..myself as I transition... There's a 150 question quiz online (one of the best online quizzes in my opinion) called the Aspie Quiz (google RDOS Aspie Quiz) it provides a spiderplot illustrating the results in several categories. I've seen autistics do the quiz and get distinctly autistics, though all unique. Same for NTs (short for for Neurotypical, or non-autistic), they get distinctly NT results... I've done it several times going back to 2007, those early results were all autistic... But the last three years (2010 2011 & 2012) have all been less and less autistic, and more and more NT. But don't take my word for it Has anyone ever heard of anything like this happening? (nb: I'm also diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar Type 2, but I'm not sure they're relevant)
  15. About a year ago, I was evaluated by a behavioralist for Asperger's, and I took the test. I scored 40. I'm a mid-twenties female, married. The behavioralist strongly suggested that I pursue diagnosis and wrote a letter of reference for me -- which included, for some reason, 'she looks much younger than her age'; the relevance of this still escapes me. I didn't have health insurance, and all things told, it looked like it would cost about $3,000. We're students. I didn't pursue it. My husband and I moved to Spain, where he's from. Healthcare here is free. I'd been diagnosed with PTSD before, so I sought treatment for that and also sought an eval for Asperger's. I had some hesitations about the cultural and language divides, and what those might imply, but this was my best option. This is at a local, relatively rural, public hospital. The first pDoc was a disaster -- he said that there was no way that I had autism as I'm a young attractive female (what?!) and married. He read to us out of the DSMV and lectured for four hours. It was a nightmare. I almost didn't go back. We changed pDocs after two visits with this guy. I also saw a psychologist, who said that she didn't think I had Asperger's and that I had no problems at all -- that I just needed to surround myself with "happy, attractive/nice people". This is all in Spanish, by the way, but the context is not very different. She discharged me with that advice. I don't think she read my case history, which had been taken by a different psychologist on a different day, in long-hand, and was eight pages long. She was surprised when I tried to talk to her about the same PTSD issues that had been taken down before. The third and most recent is my current psychiatrist, who is better than the other two -- he asks questions, he listens, which is a marked improvement. He also said after the first visit -- without administering any tests or reading the letter from the behavioralist -- that my having Asperger's was impossible. "If you had it before, you've cured yourself now." I did the Mellon (spelling?) test -- scored in the 90s for obsessive-compulsive and the 70s for avoidant. The psychiatrist told me that I didn't score for Asperger's, but I'm pretty sure that this test doesn't even test for Asperger's. --- So, I somehow destroyed the split-post with the relevant questions. I only remember the one question now. Thanks all for your patience. - Any suggestions for health insurance providers who might cover Asperger's eval? Are there any?
  16. Hi, it's been a while since i was here. but i totally need to ask one of those long ass questions that are probably not even question really badly right now. So here is my problem, i cant name or explain my symptoms. i'm just to dumb to identify emotions (ok i can tell good ones from bad ones....most of the time). My first doc who diagnosed me with Aspergers admitted that i dove her crazy while trying to explain her my symptoms., (although many many other diagnoses followed afterwards: schizoid- narcissistic PD, Derealization/depresonalization, and schizophrenia or schizoaffective by 3 different docs so i'm probably schizoaffective... NOT!) but i suppose being unable to name emotions fits quite well with Aspergers. but here is the thing, im a VERY VERY cofused person. alsmost in a delirious state or something. or maybe it's not delirium but a very VERY bad case of attention deficit.i never lock the door, or turn the light out. but interestingly i have never missed my meds. it can also be dissociation like i have huge black outs with some little moments of no dissociation in between long enough to manage to look like a somewhat functioning super damaged schizo without positive symptoms (beside agitation). but in fact, sometimes i feel pretty damn NORMAL (yeah. really. i even still know how normal feels) and no matter how long later, i can absolutely clearly remember those occasions. even if it was something totally irrelevant like me looking at some red apples in the supermarket or even more trivial stuff. but my memory is really bad otherwise (short term, long term, whatever term). i barely know what day of the week it is. i i forget whether i have had lunch or not, or i go without water a whole day. sounds totally like alzheimers i know but on the other hand i can remember stuff noone else can. like all about the 50 papers on catatonia (my favorite word of the year) i read at that particular sleepless night a month ago. or how the historical two stirpe fucking technicolor film works. AND: movies look real to me but the real world dont. what ever THAT means. i'm even really good at analyzing the intentions and relationships and stuff between the actors. i dont think it's a good thing. i think i could write dozens of pages about this but whatever. in short: i think it's really because of permanent sensory overload. the tv sceen is smaller than reality after all, So here is the thing. it looks pretty damn like i have a bad case of schizophrenia simplex (the sort without hallucination and such but with progressing negative symptoms that wont stop with any med). kinda makes sense to me. and it sure makes sense to those 3 or more docs although noone has called for this particular form. (note: i was just kinda delusional once for 4 hours after a kind of traumatic event. and that was well after the diagnois and i didnt need any sort of intervention. no voices or delusions what so ever beyond that.) BUT i have this Oher idea. the idea is, that i'm having EXTREME emotions / emotional reactions (that i cant control or name or tell where they are coming from if the source is external) or maybe one single emotion, (like sheere panic, anxiety, insecurity, mortal fear due to panic disorder or whatever). this makes no sense at first, but i'm really bad at naming or classifying my emotions. in fact, sometimes my family members know better whether i feel good or not than me myself (ok obviously i AM able to somewhat act out those emotions). Meanwhile i'm kind of sure that i actually have the right emotional reaction, but 1.first of all i dont realize that i'm having one (like: watched sad movie, feels sad, but doesnt know the bad feeling is actually "sad" and that it comes from the movie) 2.AND THEY ARE (probably) TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. i believe it's like i'm being droven crazy by some really intense blind raw emotions that drive me literally blind and deaf and confused. and at many times non-existent (literally. like blackouts). kinda like those animals that become stiff when they are afraid (due to some psychiatric theoricians, this is exactly what catatonia is.) does this even make sense? it's a good alternative to schizophrenia simplex. maybe i just need some tranquilizer in the magnitude of f-ing HEROINE or something and i'll be fixed? i must admit it also kinda sound like borderline but that doesnt fit my behaviour toward others AT ALL. the catatonia stuff makes kind of sense particularly if you look at the special sort of catatonia that adolescents and young autistics get: http://bjp.rcpsych.o.../4/357.full.pdf <- the server is down. i'm not even sure i'm posting the right paper. so bare with me if this is bullcrap. It would be really helpful if you can help me identify a sort of "name" for this symptoms or maybe a way that i can describe it to my doc with less words so he doesnt think i'm talking disorganized bullshit. t's a really sad case when even google cant name your symptoms. thanks fo reading. cheerz bear
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