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Found 5 results

  1. Less than a year ago I began seeing a new therapist after the other retired. By the second session it became clear the pattern of behaviors I've been living with, and avoidant personality disorder is what he threw out to me as I'd been saying I wish I had a name for this, know depression couldn't be the only reason behind what I was going through. Ever since then I've been trying to break up the pattern and do the opposite of what I naturally lean towards. I'm making a little progress, but it still hangs around in my mind the idea that it's too late to make a difference. I'm too set in my ways and will just have to live with the misery they cause. Anyway, I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago and I'm having a rough time. Training is killing me. I'm being watched and my anxiety about making mistakes actually causes me to make more of them. The embarrassment is beyond what I can tolerate. There have been too many days already where I've felt I'd rather die than put myself through another day of it all. I feel totally exposed and as if everyone around can see how awful I am. That I don't really belong there and shouldn't continue. I don't expect support, but I just needed to share this somewhere. I've decided to increase sessions with the doctor as I try to adjust to the new people/situation of my job, because I've thought about hurting myself again. The isolation, the fear and near panic I go into when I consider disappointing people...It seems hopeless now. I can't really change and yet I can't see living like this forever.
  2. I've read of cases where one "transitions" into a schizoid personality from avoidant. I know that both these personalities are withdrawn and prefer activities in which they can be left alone. The difference, between the two, is that the avoidant (deeeeeeep down inside) longs to have a place to society/social groups. The schizoid, simply does not care. Anyways, I'm just curious, does anyone have any input on this subject?
  3. Over the last month or so, I've been turning to you guys at Crazyboards to seek some common ground, as I sure don't feel it where I'm at. I'm 32, live in a major city w/ my boyfriend, and my sincerest hope is to be able to save up enough money to move out of state for graduate school. By trade I'm a fairly disappointing legal secretary, where I'm daily treated like dirt by my coworkers no matter how hard I try to do my best. This is what happens when you have nothing but work-study office work experience to put on a resume as an undergrad. Nevermind how mindnumbingly bored I was after day one, I should be "lucky" I have a job in this economic climate...hey it's just a paycheck and benefits I tell myself. It takes all the willpower I've got just to get out of bed every morning because I know I'm headed for a day of nonstop ridicule. Moving on... Anyway, since age 20 or so I experienced mood swings. At first, I thought I had a borderline personality. I fit pretty much all the criteria, especially fear of abandonment, moods that changed at the drop of a hat (never positive, mind you), and my relationships - friend or significant other- were all so very messed up. It wasn't until a particularly bad breakup at age 26 that everything came to a head. I attempted suicide with booze and pills in a bathtub (my favorite place to be) and not only did I lose my shot at rekindling the relationship with that guy, but I lost pretty much all my friends. Two years ago, I lost another "best friend" after I started dating a mutual friend. The first time around was understandable - I was chewing this girl's ear off about my ex and she couldn't take it. Or, more likely, her new boyfriend was scared of me. One day, I came home shaking from every negative feeling known to man. I took a nearby wineglass and smashed it against the counter. She moved out not long after without a word. This latest time, however, I know I didn't deserve to be dropped. She claimed I was a "bad friend," which translated roughly to "You have a boyfriend and I don't, and I can't be happy for you, so I"m giving you the kiss-off." Nevermind I dropped everything to be with her while her mother was dying in the hospital, was with her the moment she died, and took days off from work to be at her wake and funeral. Nope, my boyfriend and I were just bad people apparently. I'm quite sure the only thing I did wrong was back out on meeting her at a cheap restaurant because I was feeling sick. With an autoimmune disease flare-up. Again, moving on... The title of my post is exactly that. I am doing my best to get some help again. It turns out that I did not have BPD as originally thought. Up until a couple months after my suicide attempt, I had only ever been prescribed antidepressants. Effexor had been the one to do me in. It's truly the devil. After 4 months of being on it, I started having intense nightmares - semi trucks falling from the sky like rain...killer tornadoes...pestilence. In my ignorance, I thought it was a mere side effect of the drug. I developed a terribly short fuse, hurling both insults and items such as my jewelry box at the wall in my dorm room. My friends at the time were in my roommate's room (our rooms were connected by a bathroom), and they were terrified. Of me - the person most likely to be terrified of other people. I never knew at the time that these rage outbursts were my first instances of true mania. I assumed it was BPD, a) because the mood switches were within hours and b) there was (to my knowledge) no bipolar disorder running in my family. No diagnosed bipolar disorder, that is. Now I know otherwise. In 2011, the same year I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjogren's syndrome, I went for psychological testing to see if I had attention deficit disorder. I had a lot of memory problems that was making work much more difficult that it really was (aside from my inability to socialize), and I also wanted to see if I had dyscalcula since I was so horrendous at math. After over 10 hours of testing, a neuropsychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the latter of which I denied - if anything, I had an avoidant personality. I can't look anyone in the eye, I refuse to answer the door or leave my bedroom wherever I live, you know the drill. Fear of rejection after years of being rejected/bullied as a child. Had a secret to carry since I was 3 years old, also making me not trust anyone. So I guess I was pretty much always a weirdo in everyone else's eyes. My 300 question personality indicator survey pointed the doctor in the direction of BP I as opposed to II since my answers had been "extreme," although the last time I received treatment they told me I had BP II because I seemed to have more hypomanias and depression. My main "problem areas" include overspending, taking on too many projects, not wanting to go to sleep EVER, and executive dysfunction. In terms of that, it surprised me to learn I had a slow reading disorder (I'm an English major and now a part time writer and editor, so Ii LOVE to read) but was average in math. I qualified for extra time on my GRE exam, but I for some reason decided I didn't need to take it. Apparently the test results are only good for a year. It was 10 hours of testing and I paid approximately $500 for the whole thing. So now I do need to take the GRE's and will have to either study my ass off to do well or be tested all over again. I've had various things happen, usually involving $$$, that made me put getting treatment on the backburner. Having crappy teeth is par for the course when you have Sjogren's, so most of it went to that. I also have chronic back pain, knee pain, and arthritis due to my autoimmune disorder. I originally was on Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Then I switched to a world renowed bipolar specialist who only ever prescribed lithium. Lithium, while I felt it had worked to reduce my hypomanias, did very little for my depressions and made all the physical symptoms from my Sjogren's like dryness and joint pain, worse. Not to mention, it increased my acne. No, thanks. I briefly tried Abilify and it made me nauseous and made my eyes extremely sensitive to light. II'm hoping to find a new pdoc soon because my relationships (what's left of them) are all starting to deteriorate. If I lose my boyfriend, who is also my best friend (and I his), my world will basically collapse. I'm so grateful for his understanding...and his appreciation of my weirdness. But he knows my moods are swinging more and more out of control as the days go by. A few days ago, I went to hopped in the shower and started singing, dancing, doing push-ups while in the shower...came back to my room and wanted to have a dance party. My boyfriend yawned and said, "Oh no, here she goes again..." It's not all fun, though. I'm very snappish. We rented a room with a Nepalese family just to save money before our big move a couple months ago, and needless to say, it's been one big nightmare. They move my stuff around a lot, which I really can't stand because my last roommate stole from me constantly. Instead of politely explain how my olive oil that I swore I bought went missing, I ended up making the guy think I was accusing him or his family of stealing (entirely possible, since someone took a slice of our pizza without asking. No we label everything). That was over a month ago, and now no one except the roommate who isn't related to them, will talk to me. I feel like I have done this a lot in my life. My extreme social anxiety, fueled by paranoia and irritable hypomania, ruins my conversational skills. And they were never great to begin with. I really don't want to be like this forever, so I'm willing to make the necessary changes. I would give anything just to give the appearance of being normal, even if I never could be. Thanks for reading. Misfit Love
  4. Hey there. I'm a 22 year old female borderline (as I suspect) and social phobic. I've been treated for bulimia, substance abuse, and bipolar (I'm a college psych major and I've done a lot of research trying to figure myself out, but my psychiatrist did not listen to me when I tried to tell her my mood swings were too quick for bipolar). I started having binge eating issues when I was about 12, which progressed to more emotional issues, bulimia, alcohol and drug use... it's not a fun life. I left my last psychiatrist because (like I said before) she would not listen to me and seemed extremely apathetic and irritated with me all the time (I don't really blame her, I feel the same). It seemed silly to keep spending so much money to get help from someone like that. I still live with my mom, who can't stand me because I'm so moody. But I can't afford to move out because I spend too much on booze and drugs... I've had the same job for 4 years, and a really cool dog who's my best friend. Those are about the only things I have going for me. I have no friends outside of the people I talk to at work and at class, a few ex boyfriends I occasionally hookup with, and the people who I buy drugs from (some of those people overlap). I escape in music and drugs. I've been known to self-injure or threaten suicide when things get really bad. I guess that's all. I'm not really a bad person, I'm just looking for some support and advice. I don't know where else to go.
  5. For the past year I have been meeting with my counselor weekly. He has been unfailingly supportive, validating and understanding, and just generally a great tdoc, so I am very, very (perhaps too) fond of him. Lately, though, I've mostly been feeling very resentful toward him, and angry, maybe? I feel like I want to hurt him (emotionally), which I feel guilty about. Has anyone experienced this? I think I feel resentful that our contact is so easy for him, while it is frequently difficult and painful for me, or else that I am so attached to him while obviously, I am not all that important to him ultimately. He has also been a bit more pushy lately (by mutual agreement), while previously he used to tread more carefully around topics I find hard and would back off fairly quickly, and I really don't like this, although it may be beneficial for me in some way. In the meantime I am very frustrated by our sessions because I find it so difficult to actually talk. By way of example, after a year in which he has shown nothing but positive regard for me, I am still too scared that I will say something stupid and he will hate me forever to even suggest a topic for our sessions when he asks me if there's anything specific I want to talk about -- I just freeze like a deer in headlights instead. I think I just can't stand feeling so dependent and so vulnerable. I want to retreat retreat retreat. Perhaps I want to 'deal the first blow' by hurting him instead of waiting for him to realize I am terrible and hate me, which I feel on some level is inevitable. We've discussed some of my difficulties and in particular my inability to trust in his positive regard toward me, but I haven't mentioned anything about these feelings of resentment. I don't know what to do about them. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Or have any advice about how to deal with these feelings?
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