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Over the past year, I've worked for maybe a total of...11 and a half weeks or so, divided up into five jobs. Prior to my being in the working world (if you can even call my 11 weeks that) I struggled through school, eventually dropping out and getting my GED, and then attempting college only to not attend classes and drop out after 2 months.I can't take anything I perceive to be criticism, and while from a logical perspective I understand that if nobody tells me how I can improve or anything like that, I'm never going to get better. But even a gentle nudge and a small demonstration can leave me fighting back tears. My therapist and I have been exploring this for awhile now. I'm really at my wits end. I've tried different fields of work, different schedules, different amounts of hours... My longest job was 5 weeks, but it was only 15/hrs a week, so really not beneficiary on a financial end of things. I'm only 19 years old, and so obviously SSDI is out of the question. My therapist thinks applying for SSI would be a waste of time, because I have such little work history. I've been in and out of treatment for a decade now (mostly in), and I would think with my extensive school records and such that perhaps I would have a tiny shot if I had enough people on my side to support my case. I struggle with getting majorly depressed when I'm not working, I feel unproductive and like a failure. But when I am working I feel extremely anxious and stressed and it consumes my life until I shut down. I just can't seem to make progress on any part of my life- professional, mental, social... I feel really inadequate and immature. I know it's not good to make comparisons, but my friends all have plenty of stressors in their lives and manage to hold down steady jobs (and in some cases also go to school full-time) including those who have MIs. I'm tired of doing things that don't work. I need some other avenue. Does anyone have any similar experiences, and if so, how did/are you deal with it/ get through it? Any insight? I can't live at home forever (and I wouldn't want to!)
Hi everyone. I don't post very often. Mainly because my meds are keeping things under control. I am self-diagnosed with AVPD. I am not entirely sure if I have it as I don't meet all of the criteria, but it fits with the problems that I have now and had in the past. I am lucky in that I have learned over time to manage the worst of my symptoms. I hate making phone calls, but can do so. I still try to get my husband to make them. I hate speaking in front of groups. This one has gotten a lot better within the the last 3 years (maybe because of age). I still wonder if there is something wrong with me because I have trouble making friends. I currently have 2, but I consider them acquaintances. I go out to lunch with them sometimes, but don't do a lot of other things. I don't mind not having friends. At this point I prefer to do things by myself or with my husband and daughter. I can manage job interviews with Ativan and that makes it tolerable. I recently got good news and terrible news. I have been accepted for a teaching position. I like the work, but have been doing this primarily as a volunteer. I did have a brief stint a year ago with a different employer which almost led to a depressive episode. It was triggered by getting feedback about my job performance. I cannot take criticism, constructive or otherwise. I do not get angry or say that the criticism is unwarranted. My response is always internal and physical. My heart starts to pound, I get knots in my stomach, and feel like I am about to faint. So far, I haven't fainted yet. I also want to run away. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist and he told me I could go through therapy for it, but that it would take many years and would be difficult. I am torn about working. I know if I stay at home and do nothing, it will not end well. If I go to work, I worry about doing everything right, did I insult someone, does this person hate me, etc. It all just sucks. I just wanted to rant to someone who could understand what I am going through. Thanks for listening. Sandra