Search the Community

Dear friends, I found this blog after 2 months and a half of my struggle trying to live with no benzos. I had a HUGE psychological trauma five years ago and I started benzos. Always very low doses and basically using alprazolam first and then delorazepam (it's not very common in many countries but is a very long acting benzo, more than diazepam). My highest dosage was (only in very high anxiety cases) 0,25mg x 2 daily for alprazolam and 0,75 x day for delorazepam. Little by little I got to understand my body and mind reactions to these drugs and I quit xanax with not a big effort, thanks to the long lasting delorazepam. On August 15th I decided to quit because I was taking just 3 drops form a few months and also the psychiatrist I used to see t that time told me it was only a placebo at that dosage. Well i assure you it was not. The first month was hell: shivering, sweating, waking up at 3 am every night, neck and shoulders hurting, dry skin, zero libido, and 2 panic attacks the worst in my life... I ended up on benzo withdrawal forums, the Haston Manual etc... I found that all of my symptoms were very common among people in my situation. I decided not to give up. I want to point out that the syptoms I've been suffering are quite different from the ones I initially was prescribed the benzos for. Now, after 2 months and half off, I'm deciding to start again. I think as othe peoplle said thant the anti benzos forums can make a big damage to peope, maybe in my situation. The Haston manual can be godd for a few info but gives no other options than keep on suffering like hell, without knowing how long it will last and if it will ever end. What kind of solution is that? Anxiety is a real problem. Let's call that a illness. And unfortunately in many situations there's nothing to do, things cannot be changed, no psychoterapist can help you. You just have to accept something that devasted your life overnight. And go on with your life. Maybe someone can make it without benzos and others not. Or maybe I just cannot make it right, maybe it was not the right time for me. I've felt so bad in this 75 days off benzos, I lost joy for everything, I could not sleep more than 4 hours per night, constant nausea and difficulties to eat, very low mood, every noise makes crazy to the point of absurdities, I can't stand the light of the sun. A real hell, despite the fact that I tapered down very slowly and switched from alprazolam to delorazepam (that has a very long half-life). Please tell me my frienda: what can a person do? I suffered so much in those last 5 years I cannot even find the words to describe it.I kept on working because I had no choices. I tried to be as strong as I could, to find a little joy in small things. My life will never be the same, I'm now aware of that. I don't wanna go deep in what happened to me. But believe me it cannot be changed. It cannot be fixed. It can only be standed. And I think, at least right now, a little benzo once in a while ( I have days were I don't feel 100% well but can make it) is still necessary. I feel like fighting against myself is not a good way to go, I have such a burden 24/7 and will have it for the rest of my life. I've be strong in a way I never imagined I could be. But enough it's enough, and if a need a few drops of benzos once or twice a week to avoid getting into hell again, I will have to take them. I think it's a question of knowing and accepting ones limitations. I know mine. I think after all I went through I can handle myself and I have no other choices when times get so tough. Anti benzo forums can be helpful for some informations, but basically what I noticed is that the only way out for them is to keep on suffering no matter what. Well I don't agree, I'm happy if someone can make it, but it's not me, not now. And I a person feels like hell, be it benzo W-d or a return of anxiety, well it makes no difference: you suffer just the same even if in my case the symptoms are not very similar... Well, this is m story. Every opinion is more than welcome. Thank you.