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  1. First time poster here. I have bipolar 1, diagnosed last year after some horrible psychotic/manic episodes. I was put on lexapro which made me go insane and then put on zyprexa 10 mg which I abruptly stopped (I didnt get that you cant do that) which then again made me go crazy. Right now I am on Rexulti 1.5 mg and Seroquel 37.5 mg (I am tapering the Seroquel slowly to come off of it). I know these are low doses but I tend to be very sensitive to meds. The highest does of seroquel I was on was 300. I am not having any weird psychotic symptoms or manic feelings but am struggling with some depression. I am really unhappy with the weight gain from the antipsychotics. I have gained 10 lbs and from what I read all the APS will put weight on you. I also do not like how tired I feel. When I first started taking them I think the Rexulti was more activating, I actually felt jittery and seemed to be getting more stuff done, but now I just feel lazy and unmotivated. I was curious about trying Lamictal, and I was wondering if it would be possible to take that instead of the Rexulti. The only thing I worry about is I hear it impacts your cognition and I am starting school soon. Has anyone managed Bipolar 1 without a AP? Is it possible to just be on lamictal? I won't try antidepressents again after what happend with the lexapro.
  2. I started seeing a new pdoc last year as I was unhappy with my previous one. Okay, 2 pdocs ago I had a tentative diagnosis of Cyclothymia. I started having issues and needed help but I wasn't going to be able to get in to see my pdoc at the time again until 6 months later so I switched. The next one had me take an evaluation? The one that is on paper and takes 3 hours or so to complete. She diagnosed me with Bipolar 1. I was really not happy with how she talked to me and was viewing my reactions to different medications so after a year or so, I switched to the doctor I have now. I love him! He's great. What I am confused about, they just started a patient portal and I was just skimming through until I got to the diagnosis section. So am I now diagnosed as bipolar 2 instead of 1? Can you have cyclothymia as well bipolar? Sorry I'm just confused. Problems Bipolar Ii Disorder Active 01/19/2017 Major Depression, Recurrent Active 01/19/2017 Cyclothymic Disorder Active 07/03/2018
  3. Since starting Wellbutrin last august i have felt fairly stable as far as my depression goes. I have felt normal and sometimes almost upbeat in a way that did not slip into euphoria. I started taking Ritalin last year or this year due to insurance issues with my nuvigil for narcolepsy. I also had a......traumatic?? life experience where I learned that my husband had cheated on me and may have gotten this girl knocked up. We are trying to work things out, and I've been dealing, but it is hard. It constantly plays through my mind. She is always between us. That had a big triggering effect on me. Since then, back in April, I have been utilizing my support group and working on building myself back up and redefining my reality. It is a lot of work, but I have managed and I am learning to deal with it better. Lately though, I have felt my anxiety crawling up. I have also been super emotional. Crying for no obvious reason (in that moment, i will be fine and then something as minor as a sigh can trigger tears). I am aware that wellbutrin can cause issues with anxiety. Mine has always been very high though. Can anxiety cause you to cry like depression does? I'm not saying I'm not depressed right now....Just...I don't even know what I am trying to say or ask. I can't think. My thoughts are so disorganized right now. I did have two cups of coffee this morning.. One day I'll be perfectly fine and stable. The next day I may be overly emotional. The next day I may be good again. The next,awful or bad. I started keeping a mood chart about a month ago and it looks like an active seismograph! From day to day I cannot say how I might feel. To my knowledge I have not been diagnosed with rapid cycling anything, but my pdoc is still getting to know me. I was already medicated when I started seeing him with tweaks here and there. I've also learned I do not deal well with change. My husband started a new job and works as a mechanic during the day and a tow truck driver on nights and weekends so it feels like he is always gone. It going to take a lot of adjustment and I have not been handling it well. I've spent the last year applying for jobs and I cannot get hired anywhere. Part of me is thankful because I"m not sure how I would handle working around people, but a part of me is highly disappointed because I want to work. It feels so controversial. I do not want to just bum around and be completely dependent on anyone, but at the same time I am TERRIFIED of getting into the workforce again. I haven't worked in years because I have been home caring for children. Now, they are all in school and I worry, if I find a job then who will be home with them when they are sick? Who will take them to appointments? Things like that. What if I get a job and I can't control my emotions? I break down or have a very irritable day/s? I stay irritable. I always have. I can fake the happy personality, but I won't excel at my job doing that I don't think. I learn slow. I would once again have to adjust to something new. I avoid watching most tv, and listening to a lot of music as well as being around most people because I'm worried I'll be triggered into one emotion or another and not be able to pull myself out of it. People have asked me more than once why have I not applied for SSI? It seems so final I guess. I guess I'm worried that there will be no turning back if I do that. What else am I going to do though? I'm not doing anything currently except for being a money pit. I need to do something to help our household. I feel...what is the word...inept? useless? I'm not sure. I do not even know if my symptoms are uncontrolled enough to qualify if that is a thing. Do you have to be constantly uncontrolled to qualify? I am sorry the post was so long. I apologize again for being all over the place. I needed to get all of that out, but I had no idea how. I tell everyone that "I am fine." /sigh
  4. I have a constant urge to start over... to just run away from my life. It happens in the immediate sense, for instance, I could be sitting at a traffic light and have an intense urge to drive out of state or away for a week (yes, I have acted on these urges). Or I can have an urge to sell my house in the city and buy a farm in another state (yes, I have acted on these urges). I always want to move, I always want to start over. At the same time, I crave stability and planting roots. If I didn't have kids I would probably just wander all the time. It's like I'm always seeking something... I always want to see something new. At the same time, when I picture my ideal life/ future, I'm on a farm/ homestead with my husband or life partner (whoever he may be), am I am firmly planted, happy, grounded, rooted, etc. Anybody else have these sort of feelings? -Captive
  5. Hi guys...so I had a suggestion from a comment on a vlog I did of someone suggesting I ask my Dr about switching to a combo of Zyprexa and Abilify. I currently take Risperdal and Abilify (along with Lamictal and Effexor) and the cocktail is NOT WORKING I recently started the Abilify at 5mg, then 10mg and I seem to be rapid cycling with a growing amount of paranoia and anxiety. It was suggested by the commenter that the Zyprexa will help the anxiety and some of the psychosis I'm experiencing (voices, shadow people, paranoia) and the Abilify will keep me from falling asleep all day and help with negative symptoms associated with my Schizoaffective Disorder. Please give any advice you have about either or both of these meds... I can't see my Dr any sooner than the 15th and that is about 6 days away. We have tried, and maxed out, pretty much every other antipsychotic out there and nothing lasts for long. We tried Zyprexa alone about two years ago but I COULD NOT FUNCTION....I was falling asleep trying to work, drive, etc. Not good. Don't know if it would have taken care of the symptoms had I given it a longer run, but I couldn't lose my job and so I dropped it. Anyone try it and had the sleepiness go away after your body got used to it, like a few days or so?? I'd like to try it again as I've heard some good things...other than weight gain which is hard for me as a recovering anorexic...ugh. I need feedback pwetty pwetty pwease
  6. Hello, I have been having issues for the last 15 years or so, and I am 29 now. I started with a Dx of MD and I was loaded with a deep depression, rage, and anger. Self-loathing, despair yada yada. Anyways, after a while it progresses due to life. November last year I speak with my pcp and break down in tears because I can no longer handle my life. I was not suicidal, yet, but more than overwhelmed to the point I was beginning to worry I might hurt one of my children without realizing it. Action before thought... he put me on risperdal. It worked like a dream after I adjusted. Not fully but I was much better. I began going to therapy, and seeing a pdoc? And had a psych eval done and was Dx as being bipolar 1, general anxiety,, and ptsd. The risperdal, while it helped, I felt it still needed tweaking of some sort or something added to it. I also gained 50 lbs with it. I was already on zoloft btw) I was still randomly raging and crying. Temper exploding. The first pdoc put me on celexa with the risperdal and zoloft to try. It made me beyond super happy. I was so happy it felt like I could fly. It was a terrible wonderful feeling. It was terrible because if the tiniest thing did not go my way then I would just blow up at the drop of a hat. I already had an appointment with a different pdoc that my pcp made that I had planned to keep so I went in. The first one scared me anyways. She was..overwhelming. this one had a ponytail. He said celexa made me manic and took me off of it. And just increased my zoloft to 100mg. I didn't feel any different. I tried making an appointment with him after I received my dx about changing my meds somehow because I was gaining so much and that was depressing me too. Next available appointment was 5 months away and before I couldn't get through when I had trouble with wellbutrin side effects (forgot about that one) so I changed pdoc again this time to the place I go to therapy at. I so far like this doc. She seems human enough. Smiled. Laughed. I think I even stopped shaking. I told her my issue with weight gain and meds not working fully. She switched me from risperdal (cold turkey) to abilify 5mg and topamax 50mg twice a day. I had massive withdrawals and mixed episodes for over a week. Fought and argued with my husband, made him feel like shit. It was like my mouth was out of control. My mind was racing o fast I could think. I screamed and yelled. I threw things. I hated. I isolated myself. I shook worse than usual. I cried for no reason. I cried about everything. I considered and daydreamed about suicide. I even shoved my dad and I have NEVER raised a hand against my parents. Now my therapist is considering asking my pdoc about how I might do with lithium. I'm beginning to be leery of med changes, but I'm still not sure how abilify and topamax will work for me as they are still working into my system. I tried going inpatient. Didn't meet criteria. Sorry this was so long winded, I'm still mixed/manic...
  7. My symptoms are better since I can tell what is a delusion or when I'm delusional thinking. The problem is, I can't convince myself enough to let some of my delusions go or I'm obsessed about it. Sometimes I wish some of my delusions were real which leaves me depressed because they are not. There are times I'm concerned when will they finally be gone so I can focus on something else or live a less paranoid or obsessive live Would be great getting rid off it all and I'm wondering if someone with Bipolar 1 and Psychotic break downs did ever get rid off all psychosis and delusions. Every time I have a manic episode I get one or two delusions that take me years to let go, time enough to have a new mood episode. I tried some mood stabilizers and neuroleptics, now I changed quetiapine after a year and some months. I'm trying risperidone to see if it get's better but I'm already unsatisfied with effects like increased appetite. Is it possible using therapy, mood stabilizer and anxiolytics to take care of it?
  8. Hi I'm new, name is Lisa and Bipolar 1. Look forward to posting with you and learning from other's experiences and making new friends
  9. Hey fellow crazies. I have a question for you. For reference, I am on: lithium 1800mg, Invega 9mg, and amitriptyline 200mg. My diagnosis (the one relevant to this thread, anyway) is BP1. So, I've been having a depressive downswing the past month or so (after a short hypomania in January). I've been blaming it on winter (but my light box has not been helping this time). My lithium and AD dosages were already upped in December. Anyway, it seems to be getting worse, and one idea my psych nurse has is switching my Invega to Latuda. Now, I'm very wary of leaving Invega behind because I've been on it at varying dosages for 3 years or so. It hasn't always helped my cycling moods particularly well, but has kept psychotic symptoms and full-blown mania at bay (it seems). Would switching from Invega to Latuda be risky for me? Is Latuda known for being particularly good at keeping manic psychosis away? Would it be possible to be on both of them at the same time without some horrible interaction? Also, for those of you who are on or have been on Latuda- does it actually help depressive episodes in your experience? I mean, I know it was recently approved by the FDA for them, and it's true that all the paid actors in the commercials for it seem really happy, but... Any input is much appreciated. Thanks!
  10. Hi there I am from LA and am diagnosed Bipolar 1=. I have spending problems (manic) and lately found I dont follow through with things. I start tasks, Jobs, ets and never finish them or stay at a job for very long. Does anyone else have this problem?
  11. I was wondering, when you have a few good days, do all the not so good days dissolve from your memory and present? Do they vanish until there is something unpleasant to bring them back? I am so embarrassed to make such a drama out of myself and I have no idea what to say at my pdoc appointment in 2 days. When I talk about bipolar symptoms I've supposedly had, it feels as though I'm discussing a story told to me by a good friend. They're not my issues anymore. Bleargh.
  12. Hello, I posted about this originally in the actual ECT section but I have not been successful in getting many responses. I'm posting it here in hopes i get more responses and it is bipolar related. Has anyone here had ECT specifically to treat mixed states? If you have, please let me know about how effective it was and how you even got to that point where it was even considered. If you are not comfortable sharing publicly on this thread, please message me. It's very important. I need to collect some patient experiences with ECT being used for the treatment of mixed states because I am at wits end with 11 years of meds still not quite cutting it. My doctors didn't even give me a full sentence when I brought it up. I was cut down and the big fix for my issue was yet another med change. I would not even have known about ECT if I had not been researching information on treatments for mixed episodes on proper medical databases in well respected scientific journals. This isn't something I just wove up out of nothing. I was desperate, and it was the only option being written about that I hadn't tried. I got the idea directly from a scientific study notfrom myself. Please pm or reply with your experience if you have one. I'm not naming people here or publicly publishing them. I just need a back up so the wall that shoots up when the subject is broached, goes up a bit slower. My pdoc is usually really reasonable, but she seems unwilling to even discuss this. i need something besides those studies to show her i"m not making this up and that it real does happen with apparently pretty good outcomes. You'd think the studies would be better, but I guess not.
  13. I want to hear all about mixed states. What were they like for you? What did you do to stop them? What happened while they were happening? Everything and anything. Spare me no details. I am a little obsessed with this forum right now because this is the first place I have ever come that I can sit and ramble on about what happens to me in extreme detail without fear of scaring or worrying people I love. Anyway, this is my version of mixed episodes. I know it's long but it was a relief to get into a typed up post that someone with similar symptoms might see and respond to. Bipolar a la saint alto... When I first was diagnosed as bipolar my moods were much more defined. Pure mania, pure depression. It wasn't a good thing to have of course, but it was a bit easier to treat and I responded better to medication back then. The mixed states started about 4 years in and have increased a little every year. It has been 11 years now since my initial diagnosis and its has replaced those defined manias/depressions completely. These things don't respond well to any meds I take. I can usually treat them when they happen, but nothing has been effective in preventing them from happening in the first place. They hold my life in check until the day I can figure out some treatment that can do the prevention and the treating. Mixed episodes are kinda everything at once, hence mixed. I can describe mixed episodes as being pulled by every emotional extreme in every direction all at the same time. It feels like your body is going to explode or implode or shatter or do all of those things. It simply is not made to handle feeling suicidal, euphorically happy, hysterically scared, viciously angry all at one time. During these mixed moods I am most likely to hurt myself or worse. This is because My mind will hand me any psychotic hallucination or delusion if it gives me an excuse to do that. It just needs what is happening to stop and to stop as quickly as it can make me stop it. They can feel like you are being torn apart from the inside. Maybe this are different for others but I can say that when I am in the throws of one, I can never know what I will do or what will happen. I usually curl up in a ball on the bed and not move for what feels like hours so that I can't act on my thoughts. It's so hard because my head tries to make me think I am in scenarios such being held against my will by my own family, or that people are coming to hurt me, and I often think my mind is being read by other people. They are going to report me for whatever reason and the government is going to arrest me and take me somewhere because of what it was thinking. Sometimes I believe these things, sometimes I can see through them. Interaction with other people during a mixed state is not a good thing. When people talk to me, what comes of their mouths is very different from what they are really saying. My mind will reconstruct all their words in a way that might sufficiently frighten me into making it stop in some drastic manner. It is very confusing to people around me when this happens because I am responding to what they are saying in a bizarre and unrelated way. Most of the time I get through all this intact, but it's so tiring and i feel utterly exhausted for days afterwards. The way I can fight it is by taking 6-8 seroquel, curling up, and wait it out until the pills kick in. After that, the rest of the day is spent in a groggy haze of popping seroquel on the hour just to be sure I am safe. I reach the point where i can't even open my eyelids, but I can't quite sleep either. I am paralysed. I refer to this as "nuking" my mood state. I throw everything I've got at it and my husband brings me food and stuff. It's not like I need to do that every day, but often enough. I never exceed 800 mg though, I am smart enough to make sure doses aren't endangering me. What's most terrifying about mixed states is that I have absolutely no build up or warning to indicate they will happen. Nothing what so ever. They hit me out of nowhere with the intensity of my earlier, well defined, mood episodes. Those used to take at the very least a few days to reach a high point and much much longer to dip to the lowest points. I don't have time frame anymore. In between my mixed states I go into in a sort of mini-bipolar period. I become a dormant volcano of sorts, but a grumbling one. I am moody in a more defined way. It is a much more reasonable state to be in when it comes to keeping things stable. I do still get delusions in-between mixed states (no hallucinations), but they generally aren't destructive or dangerous. I can also catch them early on. This would be great, and easily controlled if things were that way in a dependable way. Unfortunately, since I can't predict what is going to happen and when serious mixed state will hit, I cannot really do much with my life. I get tastes of being functional-ish in tidbits, but its not to be trusted. All in all, these moods are more frequent as the years go on and they really drain your strength to fight back. My mind is so exhausted. /fin Wow, that was freaky to write in a non-personal physical journal format. now, tell me your experiences.
  14. Hello all from a fellow bipolar. who is in urgent need of advice from other bipolars... this is long, but please take time to read it, my thoughts are hard to express in a clear way right now. I did the best I could. I really need advice. First off, I'll sum this up. I don't feel crazy and I can't understand why people are telling me I'm not acting normally. This is all coming from my husband. I have to establish very clearly that he is a calm, level headed, patient man who has been only a blessing for me since the day we met. Right now he is very worried about me but I don't understand why, as much as he tells me things. Here is my history... I am diagnosed as having bipolar 1. In the past few years, I suffer almost exclusively with mixed episodes on the psychotic side of things. This usual manifests as a sandwich of rage/love/despair/gratefulness/hopelessness/intense optimism/laughter/crying/suicidal all at once. That and I start getting delusions and auditory hallucinations. I've dealt with this illness for 11 years so I am pretty aware of warning signs and symptoms that require help. I'm 100% compliant to pills and counselling. Right now I don't feel in the throws of my usual mixed episodes and I don't feel a danger to myself so long as I am not in a situation where I am alone. I can't be alone because that does make things crazy. The reason I am writing is that right now I have this weird split going on. I sort of know something is very wrong based on the reactions of my husband and my friend. He is so worried and overwhelmed by something and he is so level headed and keeps his calm almost ALL the time... but he just blew yesterday. He just kept saying "I don't know what to do!" According to others I'm acting strangely I think... I say I think because I don't know what it is I'm doing. Honest to God, everything seems normal to me. I have some kinda intense secretive beliefs going on about my existence and what I do, but I just can't think of them as being harmful to anyone, or why it should be so upsetting that I am enjoying being inspired. I don't see the alone thing being an issue because people are in close proximity to me all the time, at least for a few more months and I should be better by then if I need to be better. I will say I get hysterical a lot lately over small things. I am not "well". But there has never been a point my history that anything has been fully effective in treatment. I can function, but only at a base level (no job, low stress environment). Right now I stop getting hysterical by repeating to myself "this isn't real" or writing that a lot. It helps me calm down, so I see nothing wrong about a coping mechanism. I can't get much out of my husband that I can understand. I am seeing my doctor soon, my psychiatrist, and counsellor. I don't know what I should do though? I'm taking massive seroqel doses so my head is blurry a bit, and that makes it even harder to think or what to do. I sleep normally, but it has never been sleep deprivation that triggered my manic episodes, and I guess they are severe. It feels like someone sneezing 100 miles away can be a trigger for my episodes, they are so sensitive to EVERYTHING. Anyway, Is the whole definition of crazy dependant on a person not thinking or believing themselves to be so? Should I be in a hospital? I'm only a danger when I'm alone, I've come to realise this for now. But when my husband is here I feel okay. Maybe it's unfair to ask this much of everyone around me 24/7... I'm rambling... just help me understand some things if you can. Someone? Thanks in advance. I'm very confused
  15. Hello all. I found this place because i struggle with a pretty debilitating form of bipolar 1. It might open my eyes up to come here and see how other people are dealing with bipolar and other illnesses that are disruptive to basic functioning. About me... I am an artist slowly chipping away at a postgraduate degree. I am pretty reclusive and live tucked away in the countryside on a little patch of land with a nice view. I live with my husband at his mother's house because he is studying as well with a hope to work with computers. The two of them are huge blessings to me as I could never hope to have such a nurturing loving relationship with anyone in my own family. They are more family to me than all my blood relatives combined. What else...I have three cats and I don't much like kids. I live a quiet life doing research on things I love and I volunteer at a museum once a week which has an endless supply of non-digital content to fuel my research. I can't think of much else interesting to say about myself. I am terribly secretive about my artwork and I can't tell people much about it or show it because I can't have them cursing the flow of ideas until an idea is fully realised (and that takes a long, long time). I hope these boards are kind to me. I am pretty much an epic fail at real socialisation, but I sometimes fare bit better online. Thanks for reading.
  16. I've had mania last for months and months and have had some last just a month or two. So i was wondering what has been the longest manic episode you have had? Hope to hear something and thanx for reading/posting
  17. What is the difference.. it's been bugging me. Because if you have psychosis through all moods even stable would you be schizoaffective? And if you had psychosis during major mood state (mania or deep depression)... that could just be part of bipolar type 1? So may someone explain to me.. cuz i been wondering this for a while.. and still do not have a solid definition. Hope to hear something soon and thank you for posting/reading
  18. New to the site.... It's good to be here.. Hope to get some support for my BP 1 , anxiety and depression and Anger Mgmt. ! LoL Just call me Rooster
  19. Hi everyone! I'm a 22-year-old student. I have Bipolar I and Generalized Anxiety. Periodically I self-harm. I'm currently really frustrated with my inability to find the right combination of meds. I'm finishing school a year late due to mental health problems, which, justified or not, is a big source of shame and anxiety for me. I'm very medication compliant and have a great pdoc. The problem is that most meds, even in very small amounts, make me so labile (esp. atypical antipsychotics, antidepressants, and anti-convulsants) I can't function. I have a tendency toward scary manias and mixed episodes (I can't remember the last time I had a true depressive episode), and even when I'm not in a full-blown episode I'm symptomatic (severe agitation, inability to concentrate, etc.). The only med that doesn't seem to worsen my symptoms or create new problems has been lithium. I generally like older (typical) anti-psychotics as well since they really seem to eliminate the persistent intrusive thoughts, paranoia, and delusional thinking I experience without jacking my mood up into non-functioning territory. Unfortunately, they also give me uncomfortable (at times painful, particularly in my hands and back) EPS at low doses and also cause my mood to dip. I'm here because I'd really like to meet people who have had similar experiences with college, medication, and life in general. I'm hoping to learn from you all, too. I haven't felt like myself since my last big manic episode (over a year ago now), and I just want to be able to function again. I'm currently off of school (going back next semester to finish out what I have left). I look forward to interacting with all of you.
  20. Hello to anyone reading, just wanted to make this my first post as to not break any rules. I figured I'd do this first before posting in the "real" forums. I am a male, have bipolar 1 disorder, and am pretty much useless as far as societal contributions are concerned. At this point in time I am not able to function. This should be the prime time of my life but it is not. My most problematic symptoms are anxiety, depression, paranoia, and pretty much lacking a connection to the world around me. I was diagnosed over a year ago after a hospitalization but I must say I am at one of my lowest points. The reason I joined is because I admire the progressive mind here. I like the amount of detail regarding discussions about medications, the brain, and so forth. I also admire the sheer amount of detail on the crazy meds site. Essentially, I think exploring topics with a rational and scientific mindset from the perspective of those experiencing mental illness does good, if only for the sake of others suffering. Writing and researching are two things which I have at least a little interest in and since being diagnosed as bipolar I've been blogging/writing about my experiences and information I've gathered. Granted, it's nonsense at times and nothing close to the scale of crazy meds but it's something I want to grow upon nonetheless. I'm interested in the brain, mental illness, and medications to the point of obsession. I hope that I can add something constructive by posting here. Thanks for taking the time to read.
  21. Just finished 10 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy. The last 10 weeks are gone from my memory. I've just now remembered how to drive. Anyone else care to join in?
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