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Habing a hard time getting stabilized... Was doing well on Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Dexedrine but blood platelets bottomed out. Also was on Seroquel and Lamictal, Stopped Zoloft and DEX (causing platelet issues) and also stopped Lamictal over the course of a year. Started on Effexor 225 mg (which doesnt affect platelets) but I feel like Im becoming dysphoric, irritable, more anxious. Its making my anxiety worse. Anyone have good cocktail ideas? I'm thinking of going back on Lamictal, maybe wellbutrin and a tricyclic...I don't know (or Buspar)...The problem is I can't take anything with Seratonin (SSRI or AMPS)...Perhaps concerta next as it has no seratonin reuptake.

I started seeing a new pdoc last year as I was unhappy with my previous one. Okay, 2 pdocs ago I had a tentative diagnosis of Cyclothymia. I started having issues and needed help but I wasn't going to be able to get in to see my pdoc at the time again until 6 months later so I switched. The next one had me take an evaluation? The one that is on paper and takes 3 hours or so to complete. She diagnosed me with Bipolar 1. I was really not happy with how she talked to me and was viewing my reactions to different medications so after a year or so, I switched to the doctor I have now. I love him! He's great. What I am confused about, they just started a patient portal and I was just skimming through until I got to the diagnosis section. So am I now diagnosed as bipolar 2 instead of 1? Can you have cyclothymia as well bipolar? Sorry I'm just confused. Problems Bipolar Ii Disorder Active 01/19/2017 Major Depression, Recurrent Active 01/19/2017 Cyclothymic Disorder Active 07/03/2018

Okay so here's the deal. I was diagnosed ADHD I a few years back and I have been on Vyvanse 50 mg for a while now-- like years-- and it has helped me a lot. One of the behaviors that it helps with was that I had a little bit of hoarding and compulsive collecting and shopping habits with certain items. Before Vyvanse, I was spending a lot of money that I didn't need to and had something like 35 perfumes and tons of makeup and books. Sadly though the Vyvanse never took my underlying depression away, and I knew there was more going on so then I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. It seems to fit. I have been on Propranolol for almost 3 months now and it has worked well for me for anxiety. I have been stable on Latuda since early June and I really liked it from day one because my depression or the suicidal ideation lifted. I had previously been on Topiramate and Lamictal and neither of them work well for me. in fact my doctor said she wrote down that I have an allergy to anticonvulsants. My daylio chart since Latuda has gone from up and way down to being green and purple as in good days and meh days which is so much better for the most part. But for the last week or so I have realized I have been compulsively shopping and starting to collect items again. I read that this can be a side effect of Latuda, and it very much feels like what I was doing before in terms of compulsion. I have underlying OCD Tendencies anyway as a recovering binge eater (the Vyvanse and Latuda seem to really help with that together) and long-term number watcher and collector. It's like the Latuda is canceling out the part of the Vyvanse that controls the compulsive shopping stuff even though the Vyvanse is still helping me with motivation and my motivation to work and stuff is much better with Vyvanse and Latuda than it was before. I'm working more hours with better quality than I have in the whole time I've had a job. the only reason I still had a job honestly it's because I work from home and it's not a super tough job but I have been slacking on it for years between all of my brain stuff making it very hard to work. I'm only on 20 mg of Latuda daily, so do you think it's possible that I need to be up to 40 for this to stop or do you think that I'm just going to have to either live with this side effect since it's one of the only ones I have or that I would need to switch medications? I'm not spending huge sums of money but I am spending money every day on stuff that I don't need and it is very obviously a feeling of being compelled to do so. Ugh. the contented and dare I say it happy feeling that I had had up until this last week has been replaced by the need to buy things or think about buying something. Thoughts? Has anyone else dealt with this particular side effect and what did your pdoc end up doing? I was feeling really stable, and so she changed my appointment to every 2 months now and I'm not due to see her again until early September. I appreciate any feedback you might have or ideas.

My doctor seems to think Lyrica is a mood stabilizer. Is this right? My meds don't seem to be working. Zoloft 125mg and Lyrica 300mg

dual diagnosis

I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back. -I lost a lot of weight when I was younger, almost 80-90lb. I have some excess skin. I am getting rid of it this month. -I didn't realize but I was treated wrong when i was 20-21... I have ADHD and sometimes I feel definitely or maybe not Bipolar II. They've both been diagnosed. -I had to spend a hell of a lot of time, when I was mistreated with SNRI medication, to adjust my life. I stopped smoking, eventually stopped drinking. My friends for years were other substance abusers. WHen I was younger, I had made friends easily at times - but they were popular, and I was kind of popular, to very popular, to not popular and not trying at times throughout my life. I want to leave my current city. BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. Ever since... I feel better when I do better in school or in working out. But I've maybe gone out on 20 first dates, and a couple more. I feel one needs to have sex immediately, otherwise they have no chance of having a real relationship. I messed it up because I was insecure about my excess skin (not that bad) but it made me nervous. Also at times I had an impaired sex drive - and I am now using NOFAP to help that. It does really help. BUt now, I'm correcting the skin issue --, and I'm trying to do nofap (hard with ADHD and Bipolar, but I think its necessary for me to have strong relationships with women). I think ideally I have a few best male friends, and while I won't be as outgoing as some of my social butterfly friends, I can still make people enjoy their time and I enjoy my time, and I go out with girls that interest me. How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out... AND I can't act normal. I wake up at crazy hours, go to bed in the day when I'm really depressed. Everything just messes me up. I went to two universities... graduated late, thought I'd save up for the abdominoplasty, and things would get better. I started losing hair on stimulant medication but still looked nice and well. But I lost more hair on lamotrigine. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel and its crushing... that the only way I can even have a "semi-normal" life is on medication. ANd its fucking heartbreaking, because no matter what I do I'm going to be alone. I didnt trust people for a long time, and my parents and family were narcissistic, so I self medicated and drank a lot. BUt, I corrected that. Well I quit substance abuse mostly, worked out, ate well, became attractive and fit - that didn't solve my problems. Occasionally I succeeded in what I attempted in school and work... it didn't solve my problems. I feel eccentric and I don't want to be. It's great I can charm others but I used to not give them a chance, or maybe I wasn't giving myself a chance. Are there any Bipolar II/ADHD people that feel alone still? As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job), I'm still alone. I have too many black marks on me now. I can't win.... and I don't get it. I can't go on another 20 or 30 years or 1 year like this. I truly can't. It doesn't make any sense... I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I still can't decide a career. What I want is impractical because I can't have a normal life anyways, but I desperately want one. I'm missing milestone after milestone. I was petitioning classes, my cousin was graduating Harvard. I was wondering wtf was wrong with me, my brother was starting medical residency. Everything I do destroys something else. I have law school as a back up plan. But the market is bad, and my grades aren't that good either. AND I'd hate it except for litigation maybe later. I want to be a person who loves their life, not goes through the motions. Will a mood stabilizer or some combo of meds help me : -get to work on time -be more optimistic about career chances, and love. -allow me to ignore the thousands of missed opportunities dating (due to sex drive, not realizing I was attractive, being SHY/awkward, being speedy, hyper, and being behind in my work and needing to catch up otherwise -- I'd be fired/ fail). -AND BOND with others. I have had many best friends in life, and I move away or they move. people smile at me and come near me and when I don't look pissed off, or are not running around like I'm on a rampage (I move very fast, and walk very fast), they are inviting to me at times. Can someone please tell me if I can get what I want in life or if its too late? I don't want to be a burden on my family, I don't want to be a fuckup anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore either. And I just want to be free. -I know how to make people laugh, but I can't stay friends. I can't open my heart a lot of times. And I lash out and get mad and believe they are like my old friends and misusing me. I meet the prettiest girl and she likes me, but I feel she's trying to fuck me over. I become more confident (fit) and start losing some other good quality. I succeed a bit in school (past) and somehow lose time still. Every decision is last minute - last three places I lived. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be the only person in my family to struggle so much. I really think part of it is the city. I have two artistic friends that are either moving or have moved elsewhere. I have family in New york and everything I'm interested in is closer there.... My family doesn't believe in me half the time, or doesn't know how to show love/ faith in me. I don't want my life to pass me by. Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month. Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now?

Hello, I'd like to share my positive experience with EMSAM. I'm not affiliated with the manufacturer in any way. This is a PATCH VERSION of Selegine MAOI. This is the ONLY antidepressant that worked for my Bipolar 2 depression in twenty years. The SSRIs and SNRIs would work halfway, then stop working or cause anxiety (Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc). Lexapro, Effexor, Cymbalta- all had bad side effects or were ineffective. EMSAM is the first drug I've taken that has me absolutely depression free. I've been on it for 6 months. It took me a while to find the right dosage (6, 9, or 12mg patches). You leave them on for 24 hrs. I have also been taking Lamictal (Lamotragine) for 12 years. I can't believe this isn't used more widely for people who have failed using other medicines. Side effect #1: I can get a bad rash at the patch site that leaves me looking like a red and white checkerboard. The squares fade after a couple of weeks. BUT, I figured out if I do two things, I can minimize the rash. First, spray the area with fluctonase (Flonase). Second, open the patch and let it air out for 10 minutes; this seems to allow some of the glue/solvent to dissipate and the patch still sticks fine. Side effect #2: Sleep disturbance. Sometimes I find myself not sleeping well. If it is bad, I take off the patch (though you are supposed to leave it on) and then after an hour I can sleep. My pdoc said this is ok. Side effect #3: Activating. I've rarely had hypomania, just a few times over the last 20 years. The lamictal keeps that in check. Too much Emsam would give me a bit of that manic activation- feeling too good, too much energy. PM me if you have questions. 50 y.o. male, Bipolar 2 mostly with depression and anxiety. Father was Bipolar 1.

Hello All, After a lot of bottling up and venting to select friends, I finally decided to reach out to people who can relate to me the most. I'm on day two of what I believe to be a hypo manic state. My hear rate is elevated, I'm rapid speaking at times, super irritable, and I feel like I'm stuck on "up." It isn't enjoyable like the mania I've read about, though, so maybe it's something else? I have this achyness that won't seem to go away and I'm having a hard time keeping it together at the office. What helps when y'all feel like this? I am open to any and all suggestions/support. Diagnosed as Bipolar 2, going on two years now Prescriptions: Ziprasidone, 40 mg Duloxetine 60 mg (I think a raised dosage may be the culprit but I'm not sure) Lunesta as needed, not sure of the mg Thank you all in advance and I can't wait to be a part of the community Elyse

Hey, I was wondering if anyone knows whether a possible reaction i'm having can be part of this interaction. My pdoc says hes never heard of it and has no idea but I know that there may be others in the same situation. My morning meds are cymbalta alternating 60mg/90mg and biphentin 50mg which i usually take at the same time around 9 or 10 am. The problem I'm having is that before I started on the Biphentin, i never had withdrawal from the cymbalta unless i missed a dose by like 3 hours or more. Cymbalta is one of those snris with really bad withdrawal where you have to take it the same time every day. I'm now finding that I feel withdrawal (shaky, slurring words, trouble moving, exhaustion) even if i take it 24 hrs apart. I was wondering if the biphentin could be making the cymbalta metabolize quicker. Thanks,

I've been using a small dose of seroquel (25-50mg) nightly for sleep for around ten years. It has now stopped working. Every time I've tried to stop it I go into intense insomnia and withdrawal. My Doc has order 2.5-5mg zyprexa to replace the seroquel. Has any body experienced this protocol and is there going to be seroquel w/d when I switch. Thanks in advance for responses Ajax

I just started Celexa 4 days ago and last night was my first time taking the full dose (From 10mg to 20mg). I take it at night and wake up exhausted. Like I'm falling asleep every time I sit down and this morning I woke up with the super shakes. I'm also clenching my jaw big time and I don't grind my teeth ever. Celexa was the first anti depression med that I ever tried and I came off of it because of the sexual side effects (maybe tmi? oh well). My Dr wanted to see how it worked again since I didn't have a terrible reaction with it the first round. I would definitely remember if shaking or jaw clenching was a thing. What is going on here?? Side note I am also on 300 mg of Lamictal and Xanax as needed.

Can anyone one in crazymeds land relate to my cocktail. This cocktail allows me to live a productive, gainful life. I'm even pretty damn happy and funny most days. But when my mood cycles, watch out!! I've never hurt anyone, but I've scared people. Thanks to my medication and therapy, those episodes are infrequent now. I also have long term sobriety thanks to the 12 step process and medication.

So scared to start Lamictal. FIrst few times, I felt oddly hypomanic at around 50 mg...did not like that. Was too scared to go higher on a dose.. Is this normal? How do you get to the dosage with these side effects? Anyone powered through? Is it worth it???

So scared to start Lamictal. FIrst few times, I felt oddly hypomanic at around 50 mg...did not like that. Was too scared to go higher on a dose.. Is this normal? How do you get to the dosage with these side effects? Anyone powered through? Is it worth it???

Can lamictal make you feel worse before you feel better? So I've been BP2 for 18 years, and I've been lucky to be mostly stable for the better part of it. I was on a cocktail of Trileptal, Welbutrin & low dose Ritalin for years. After I had my first baby I sort of stayed in a low level depression for a few years. Anyway, my new Pdoc and I decided to try lithium as a low does add on, which was great except suddenly they discovered I was severely hyponatremic and took me off the lithium (still dont get that--shouldn't that have helped? we know the trileptal kept me low end anyway). Now we've added some lamictal to see if that can give me a little AD boost. I started it 1 week ago, and admittedly wasn't feeling super at the time, but it seems to be getting worse. I'm still at 25mg (though I'm on BC so I'm not sure that's a true 25mg dose). I can't tell if this is from the lamictal, just the result of the downswing I was starting before, or possibly a combo. I really REALLLLLY want the lamictal to work, I've heard it's like magic for many bp 2s. But I've felt zero activation, zero positive effect. I'm willing to hang and deal with this for a while if it's part of the process, but if this is a bad sign I'd rather save myself the misery. FWIW, this was an add. I haven't stopped any of my other meds. Can anyone advise?

Starting Lexapro tonight after 4 weeks of severe anxiety and panic. Currently stable on Lamictal and Depakote ER as mood stabilizers, Intuniv for attention and focus, and low-dose Seroquel for sleep (Seroquel has never helped my anxiety, just my mood). Tried increasing Depakote and Seroquel to no avail. Tried scheduled Klonopin around the clock, which certainly took the edge off but not by much. I'm basically writing to find out if anyone in the boards has experience with SSRIs in paired with mood stabilizers and a Dx of Bipolar type 2. I'm starting at 5 mg for four days and then increasing (and staying) at 10 mg. It has, in the past, helped the severe anxiety and panic attacks I used to get back in my early 20's (I'm 26 now). Any input is appreciated!

I go through this endless cycle, since I was diagnosed at 15 (and I'm 28 now) which is, "I can't have bipolar because I don't get manic." (I get hypomanic) "I must have BP because this behavior isn't normal." "I can't have BP because this hypomania is too mild to be anything." When I'm depressed, which is most of the time, I can never remember what hypomania really feels like, and I feel as though I'm exaggerating my own symptoms. I think, genuinely, I still don't completely understand hypomania, or rapid cycling which plays into it. People like my grandpa, who had BP I, it seems so obvious: he was depressed and suicidal, or he was manic and gambling and typical 'manic' symptoms...you looked at him, and it was easy to see 'that's someone with bipolar.' What if I never get hypomanic? I just don't know. I know I have these periods of behavior, but never these super obvious signs (to me)...like I don't engage in risky behavior. I sleep very little, I talk faster than I can breathe, I clean the house all night, I get extremely irritable then happier than I've ever been in my life...but when I'm living it, it just doesn't feel like "that's bipolar." It feels like..."something is off with you." I'm confused. I've been confused for 13 years. lol. Anyone have thoughts?

Hi friends, I just joined, though I've been lurking for years. Some background: I'm 26 years old and female. My diagnosis went from Major Depression at age 16 to Bipolar Disorder Type 2 about three years ago after I had a hypomanic episode and subsequent depression severe enough to get me back into treatment. No SSRI or SNRI antidepressants ever helped me (made things worse) and I have a family history of Bipolar Disorder, types 1 and 2. Since then I've tried a variety of medications--including Buspar and Latuda, the latter of which made me very sick (nauseated all the time, foggy, tired). Currently I take: Wellbutrin 450 mg, Lamictal 100 mg, Klonopin .5 mg PRN, and Neurontin 300 mg x 3 a day. I've been up to 300 mg of Lamictal. That gave me memory issues so I was on 200 mg for a long time. The NP put me on Neurontin and took me down to 100 mg Lamictal because I lost my health insurance, about 4 months ago. I don't notice much benefit from Neurontin but I'm holding out until I get better insurance. I'm waiting on Medicaid approval right now and unfortunately that means I'll have to find another doctor, which is very challenging here due to providers not accepting our state Medicaid. Also, I've been in therapy for the past 3 years but have cut down on that to 1 x a month. I had issues keeping my job and that has caused financial issues for me. For the past 2 or so months, I've been in the throes of a very very bad depressive episode. My depression is unlike unipolar depression because it's accompanied by agitation and anxiety. Although I can get out of bed and take care of basic things, I find working and concentrating difficult. I also feel like I need to distract myself by having someone around to talk to. I'm single and frequently can't get ahold of anyone so then I'm left to face my own mental problems alone. I feel incredible despair. I am often caught off guard by my own tears. I feel the need to self-treat since my medications aren't fully effective--though I know it's vastly better than without them. I drink but I try to keep it limited. I did struggle with an alcohol dependency earlier this year. I am prescribed one .5 mg Klonopin every day, but my NP won't actually give me that even though my therapist thinks I need it. They are part of the same practice. So I'm left to try to scrape by on what Klonopin I have, which can be really difficult. Overall, I'm just ineffective at my job and stricken with a profound sense of hopelessness and sometimes dysphoria. I've been dealing with this for 2 months and I don't know how much longer I can go on. I'm not actively suicidal. I just want to get better. But I know I can't handle this longterm. Unfortunately, BP for me is just an unending series of ups and downs with more downs than anything, and severe downs they are. This recent episode is the worst I think I've experienced in 10 years, though. I don't know where to go from here. I had a terrible year marked by relationships deteriorating, family health issues, job loss, and being hit by a drunk driver on 12/18/15. I have no strength left. My therapist suggested me going back on Latuda, but it's $900 a month and not only does it make me violently ill, but the insurance I have doesn't cover it (and I'm losing that insurance on Jan 1). Medicaid also doesn't cover it. And I just don't want to take it. It was very unpleasant. My dad has BP and I know that I have a lot of years left to deal with this. That thought is daunting. Please help me. I know my NP and therapist are best to advise but they're not terribly helpful right now and also I will have no insurance soon. It might be a while before I can realistically find a new doctor. I just need some thoughts to help me get through this, and maybe some thoughts on my med lineup. Thank you.

I once entered a poker tourney with the moniker "Jess is fine" because when the cashier asked what name I would like to go by, I replied with those exact words... yeah. That actually happened. But Jess really is fine. - 29, semi employed (cut 35 hours out of my work week by leaving my higher paying job because my irritability level was far too high) - Diagnosed 2 weeks ago with Bipolar 2. Started on an extremely low dose of lamictal/lamotrigine and I didn't bother to tell the doc I have a high tolerance to drugs because she mentioned a life threatening rash. (Because dying isn't bad enough without having to go out itchy and hideous.) - I've been in this cycle of upswings and downswings since I was around 22. A different doctor gave me a diagnosis of "bipolar manic depressive" 4 years ago but told me he could not help me because I would most certainly need a lot of drugs and I couldn't afford his help without insurance. His words, not mine. So, I'm pretty much here because I don't have a really strong support system around me, at home or elsewhere in a 30 mile radius, I feel like my therapist and doctor are more interested in check marks than handling my ridiculous brain, and I am always craving more knowledge, even if I struggle to apply it to my life.

Just went top doc a few days ago and was discussing my depression and anxiety, and the new Dr. Suggested that I am bipolar! I've never had typical mania. So, I dismissed it. But today, I was hyper irritable and realized that I think I am! I've been in terrible denial lately too. My symptoms have barely been managed. So, I see him next month and will be considering a mood stablizer. Is it a game of trying them on to see if they work? I tried Geodon years ago, and it made me way to sadated. Thoughts? TY

Hi All, I am coming to realize that I am having a bipolar I was at my pdoc the other day, and he mentioned to me that I was experiencing soft signs of bipolar disorder. I was so in denial. Up until recently, I have been treated for depression with anxiety. It dawned on me a day after the appt. that I think I have BP. My irritability has been off the charts too. My therapist has even suggested that I get on an antipsychotic too. I was toughing it out. I am so scared. Up until now, 50 mg of Zoloft daily and Ativan .5 mg have helped. Now stress induced life events have made my life very painful. I was on Geodon many years ago and I was sedated beyond my ability. So, I have to try something else that won't plow me under and control my incredible irritation. I have a 3 year old son and am his caretaker, so I have to have my wits about me. Not a good time to have to go through this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!

so I am diagnosed with recurrent major depression and this has been going on for about 3 years. Recently I have had some mood changes which are unusual to me after coming out of a depressive episode.... I have been staying up until 6am and consistently running on 3 hours of sleep. I have been highly energetic and productive, I cleaned the house today because I felt like it and I have studied for my A Levels several topics ahead of where we are in class. I got kinda impulsive too, the other day while I was out with my friend I suddenly decided out of nowhere to get some facial piercings even though I applied for several jobs in catering and retail recently which probably prohibit piercings.... I have been reading about hypomania but I still can't tell if my state is hypomanic or if I am just extremely happy. If anybody has had similar experiences to me, it would really help me figure out where to go from here if you could share. Thanks in advance x

I'm just wondering what it's going to take for me to accept this Bipolar 2 diagnosis, and accept that I need to take meds. I took meds for over 5 years, and there was 6 months in there where I stopped, then went back on because I was not doing well. Now I've been off again for about 4 months, and am crashing from about 3 months straight of hypomania. I'm again and that really depressed point which has always been the point where I desperately reach out for meds. I just don't understand why I have such a hard time accepting both the diagnosis and the need for meds! I'm so damn stubborn when it comes to all this! I can completely accept that there are people who DO need meds, and who ARE truly bipolar, I just am totally resistant when it comes to me seeing me as one of these people. When I was convinced that I needed to be on meds, I would read here alot, even when I wasn't posting, and it kept me on track. Once I'd been the most stable I'd been during these years of taking meds, basically the first half of this year, I somehow convinced myself that all along it had been the meds that had been making go through such a hard time, because it took years for me to get to a stable point, and it's easier to blame the meds than the diagnosis. So I stopped reading stuff on here and started reading stuff about people who had managed to deal with bipolar without meds, or who believed they were misdiagnosed, and I totally became convinced that this could be me! My pdoc was on board I think because she knew I was going to go off meds anyway and she'd rather have me under her care, and my tdoc was on board because I think she honestly wanted to believe I could do it like I wanted to believe, and I convinced her that it was the right thing for me. She said that in all her years she'd only had one person come successfully off meds, and that this person was doing really well. I wanted to be this person, not the other people whom she said would end up suicidal or hospitalized. So my latest months of hypomania were ok, a few weeks were actually really high and euphoric, the rest I was really agitated, anxious and angry, yet SOOO productive and focused, I own an online store which is my only source of income (to supplement child support and food stamps), and I completely updated my store and added tons of new products. I cleaned up a lot of areas of my house and got rid of a lot of stuff that needed to be moved out. There were times when I felt on the verge of losing complete control, a lot of pacing and ranting and crying went on when I was alone just to get through the intensity. But the productivity was so needed! Now I've crashed, I have no motivation to work, I'm wasting October which is one of my biggest sales months in past years because of Halloween. I'm once again thinking a lot about my desire to be dead, even fantasizing ways I might do it (which I never would because of my kids, but it's still scary when these obsessive thoughts come). I made an appointment for Friday with my pdoc because I just can't stand feeling like this. I seem to see a lot of people on here that just seem to take the whole diagnosis and need for meds so much more in stride than I do. Are there any of you who struggle as much as I do with it? If you have gotten to a point of true acceptance, what did it take to get there? I think because I'm bipolar 2 and so have never had a full blown mania, and because I've also never been hospitalized, there is not so much outside "evidence" that I seem to need to convince me. I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 40, so all my life up until then I explained away all the weird things I'd done with other explanations. My parents had always supported these beliefs in me as well, that I was "free spirited" "creative" blah blah blah. So it was hard for them to accept that all these things could be chalked up to bipolar and not to their cemented beliefs about me, so this too has made it hard for me to believe the diagnosis. There was always a denial of my problems, and an explanation that made them comfortable and able to accept my lifestyle. So it was easy for me to adopt these beliefs too. Really, there was so much that I hid from them through the years, I only showed them the side of me they could accept....

Over the last month or so, I've been turning to you guys at Crazyboards to seek some common ground, as I sure don't feel it where I'm at. I'm 32, live in a major city w/ my boyfriend, and my sincerest hope is to be able to save up enough money to move out of state for graduate school. By trade I'm a fairly disappointing legal secretary, where I'm daily treated like dirt by my coworkers no matter how hard I try to do my best. This is what happens when you have nothing but work-study office work experience to put on a resume as an undergrad. Nevermind how mindnumbingly bored I was after day one, I should be "lucky" I have a job in this economic climate...hey it's just a paycheck and benefits I tell myself. It takes all the willpower I've got just to get out of bed every morning because I know I'm headed for a day of nonstop ridicule. Moving on... Anyway, since age 20 or so I experienced mood swings. At first, I thought I had a borderline personality. I fit pretty much all the criteria, especially fear of abandonment, moods that changed at the drop of a hat (never positive, mind you), and my relationships - friend or significant other- were all so very messed up. It wasn't until a particularly bad breakup at age 26 that everything came to a head. I attempted suicide with booze and pills in a bathtub (my favorite place to be) and not only did I lose my shot at rekindling the relationship with that guy, but I lost pretty much all my friends. Two years ago, I lost another "best friend" after I started dating a mutual friend. The first time around was understandable - I was chewing this girl's ear off about my ex and she couldn't take it. Or, more likely, her new boyfriend was scared of me. One day, I came home shaking from every negative feeling known to man. I took a nearby wineglass and smashed it against the counter. She moved out not long after without a word. This latest time, however, I know I didn't deserve to be dropped. She claimed I was a "bad friend," which translated roughly to "You have a boyfriend and I don't, and I can't be happy for you, so I"m giving you the kiss-off." Nevermind I dropped everything to be with her while her mother was dying in the hospital, was with her the moment she died, and took days off from work to be at her wake and funeral. Nope, my boyfriend and I were just bad people apparently. I'm quite sure the only thing I did wrong was back out on meeting her at a cheap restaurant because I was feeling sick. With an autoimmune disease flare-up. Again, moving on... The title of my post is exactly that. I am doing my best to get some help again. It turns out that I did not have BPD as originally thought. Up until a couple months after my suicide attempt, I had only ever been prescribed antidepressants. Effexor had been the one to do me in. It's truly the devil. After 4 months of being on it, I started having intense nightmares - semi trucks falling from the sky like rain...killer tornadoes...pestilence. In my ignorance, I thought it was a mere side effect of the drug. I developed a terribly short fuse, hurling both insults and items such as my jewelry box at the wall in my dorm room. My friends at the time were in my roommate's room (our rooms were connected by a bathroom), and they were terrified. Of me - the person most likely to be terrified of other people. I never knew at the time that these rage outbursts were my first instances of true mania. I assumed it was BPD, a) because the mood switches were within hours and b) there was (to my knowledge) no bipolar disorder running in my family. No diagnosed bipolar disorder, that is. Now I know otherwise. In 2011, the same year I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjogren's syndrome, I went for psychological testing to see if I had attention deficit disorder. I had a lot of memory problems that was making work much more difficult that it really was (aside from my inability to socialize), and I also wanted to see if I had dyscalcula since I was so horrendous at math. After over 10 hours of testing, a neuropsychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the latter of which I denied - if anything, I had an avoidant personality. I can't look anyone in the eye, I refuse to answer the door or leave my bedroom wherever I live, you know the drill. Fear of rejection after years of being rejected/bullied as a child. Had a secret to carry since I was 3 years old, also making me not trust anyone. So I guess I was pretty much always a weirdo in everyone else's eyes. My 300 question personality indicator survey pointed the doctor in the direction of BP I as opposed to II since my answers had been "extreme," although the last time I received treatment they told me I had BP II because I seemed to have more hypomanias and depression. My main "problem areas" include overspending, taking on too many projects, not wanting to go to sleep EVER, and executive dysfunction. In terms of that, it surprised me to learn I had a slow reading disorder (I'm an English major and now a part time writer and editor, so Ii LOVE to read) but was average in math. I qualified for extra time on my GRE exam, but I for some reason decided I didn't need to take it. Apparently the test results are only good for a year. It was 10 hours of testing and I paid approximately $500 for the whole thing. So now I do need to take the GRE's and will have to either study my ass off to do well or be tested all over again. I've had various things happen, usually involving $$$, that made me put getting treatment on the backburner. Having crappy teeth is par for the course when you have Sjogren's, so most of it went to that. I also have chronic back pain, knee pain, and arthritis due to my autoimmune disorder. I originally was on Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Then I switched to a world renowed bipolar specialist who only ever prescribed lithium. Lithium, while I felt it had worked to reduce my hypomanias, did very little for my depressions and made all the physical symptoms from my Sjogren's like dryness and joint pain, worse. Not to mention, it increased my acne. No, thanks. I briefly tried Abilify and it made me nauseous and made my eyes extremely sensitive to light. II'm hoping to find a new pdoc soon because my relationships (what's left of them) are all starting to deteriorate. If I lose my boyfriend, who is also my best friend (and I his), my world will basically collapse. I'm so grateful for his understanding...and his appreciation of my weirdness. But he knows my moods are swinging more and more out of control as the days go by. A few days ago, I went to hopped in the shower and started singing, dancing, doing push-ups while in the shower...came back to my room and wanted to have a dance party. My boyfriend yawned and said, "Oh no, here she goes again..." It's not all fun, though. I'm very snappish. We rented a room with a Nepalese family just to save money before our big move a couple months ago, and needless to say, it's been one big nightmare. They move my stuff around a lot, which I really can't stand because my last roommate stole from me constantly. Instead of politely explain how my olive oil that I swore I bought went missing, I ended up making the guy think I was accusing him or his family of stealing (entirely possible, since someone took a slice of our pizza without asking. No we label everything). That was over a month ago, and now no one except the roommate who isn't related to them, will talk to me. I feel like I have done this a lot in my life. My extreme social anxiety, fueled by paranoia and irritable hypomania, ruins my conversational skills. And they were never great to begin with. I really don't want to be like this forever, so I'm willing to make the necessary changes. I would give anything just to give the appearance of being normal, even if I never could be. Thanks for reading. Misfit Love

Sarcasm. My diagnosis as it now stands is bipolar 2. I'm not really sure anymore, but last night I experienced this intense "episode" and I'm left wondering what the HELL that was. I'm just going to post the description I wrote in my blog later that night. I have all the control yet none at all. Sometimes every moment is torment. Sometimes I am not real. I struggle opening a bottle of Ativan and fight with myself over if I should take one pill or the whole bottle. I writhe in mental pain and rip my hair and try to crush my head between my hands. I curl into a ball on the floor only to immediately pull at parts of my body as if I’m trying to rip them apart. I open the window for air and contemplate flying. None of this is real. I am not real. I sob and shake and wonder how the floor isn’t collapsing. Those times, it isn’t worth it. I pray to a god I’ve never known to free me. I think about the hospital. I think about people who can help me but stop because they can’t. There are voices in my head that I can’t hear, I just feel them. There are too many stuffed into one mind and they are angry. They are always angry. I am not real. Nothing is real. I have all the control yet none at all. Truth is relative. Reality is relative. How do I know what the fuck is true? What the fuck is real? Also…what the fuck is wrong with me?! I have all the control yet none at all. This all happened after a day of feeling AMAZING. Just a little while before it happened, I took a stand and was set on the proposition that I have no mental health disorder, I'm fine, and I'm going to stop taking my meds because I'm just being dramatic. Now, I have bad days, bad nights, bad fleeting hours, moments, etc., but this was the most excruciating combination of crazy and I want it to not exist in my life, ever. Any input?