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  1. Hello everyone, So it has been a while since I have posted on the forum, but I wanted to hear from others on this topic. What does identity instability look like for people with borderline personality disorder? I want to get feedback from people who actually deal with this problem. The reason is that I believe I deal with this problem (feeling like I don't know who I am, confusion about gender/sexuality, not knowing what I truly believe in, feeling like I lose myself in others, changing goals/career ideas, etc.) This is a longstanding issue. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder initially, and this was changed to Schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. My original psychiatrist denied the possibility of BPD, but I feel like that is a more accurate dx than the other two. (In all honesty, I heard from other medical staff later on that this PDoc basically dx'd everyone as bipolar!) Also, I was diagnosed only after a reaction to a medication (which was possible due to the newly published DSM V), and I feel that the majority of "psychotic" symptoms that I experienced (that led to the dx change) were caused by the many other med cocktails I was given over the years. I'm very sensitive to medications, and have tried many to no success. I've read about real life experiences from people with all these disorders, and none of them have spoken so truly to me as borderline has. I started crying the other day because it made so much damn sense. I am not looking for a diagnoses from anyone. I just want to hear from others...I am going through a very bad stretch, and I just want to feel like I am not alone. I want to avoid posts indicating that everyone goes through identity crisis. I know that. But this is something that has been with me for a looong time. So, to anyone who is willing to share a bit of their story with me: Thank you in advance. I really need to know I am not alone in this right now. Poem
  2. major rant ahead. I hope it's pretty obvious this isn't directed towards anyone in the community! Borderline personality disorder, and people with it especially, get demonized a lot. We're manipulative, we're awful, we're sirens who suck men in and spit out their bones. (I'm sure it doesn't help that borderline personality disorder is predominantly diagnosed in women.) In Jonathan Kellerman's novel, Silent Partner, this is the description of a person with borderline personality disorder (by the way, Jonathan Kellerman IS A PSYCHOLOGIST): That is a goddamn lie. I honestly never believed that I would ever be able to say that I liked any part of myself, that any part of myself deserved compassion, that my self-worth and self-validation could come from myself, and that I didn't have to live with pain eating a hole in me like a cancer. I can do all of that now; not perfectly, not easily, but I have changed. And it wasn't people who told me that I was "living from one emotional disaster to the next" who helped me do that, it was people who treated me with respect, compassion, and understanding. For everyone out there still perpetuating the stigma, go fuck yourselves. That includes you, Sheri Shreiber, Savory Dish (a blog with the tagline "when the woman you love is fucked up beyond belief") and whoever the fuck is running my BPD recovery at blogspot. (Look at how fucking self centered that is. "His" BPD recovery is recovering from being in a romantic relationship with someone who supposedly has borderline personality disorder. As opposed to, I don't know, ACTUALLY HAVING BPD AND RECOVERING FROM IT.) You want to know what MY recovery from BPD is like? This is what it's like. I am what it's like, right fucking here----I have many friends, some of over 15 years duration, I have a stable life, I recognize and work on my problems, and I'm in love with a guy whose main criticism of me is that I'm too hard on myself and who wishes I'd open up more when I'm upset. Demonizing people with BPD is adding insult to serious injury. It makes it harder to get treatment, harder to recover, and worst of all, harder to admit that the diagnosis might be applicable in the first place----they're constructing barriers between someone in pain and treatment. I really can't understand why they all seem so goddamn proud of themselves. I would never wish the seemingly unending pain on these people of having borderline personality disorder, but sometimes, I'm pretty fucking tempted.
  3. I woke up this morning, feeling panic overwhelming me over a negative response from my neighbor. The emotion I am experiencing is deep distress and I can feel it internally crushing me. I am not coping at all well with this. I find myself drawn to her because we share a common trauma background. Sometimes she comes to my apartment just to talk about all this and I feel soo connected to her. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that she has some borderline traits in her - it's the push away and suddenly pull back. She acts like she hates me and suddenly she loves me and tells me so. When she pushes away, it's an awful experience and leaves me an emotional wreck. Then she will come back and saturate me with her needs to talk about soo many things where I live, her emotional instability issues, etc. I sit and listen and we talk and I feel better after she leaves and we are finally getting along, only to be assaulted again verbally from her and weeks go by and she ignores me. Another odd thing about her. With this intimate friendship I have with her (Intimate meaning sharing of like experiences), she will call on my cell or text me but when she is out and about with her friends (she only goes out in public with her friends), she ignores me and so do they. So, this morning I am experiencing her pushing me away violently last night. I am drawn to this behavior from her, as it feeds into my cycle of abuse history. I used to go back to my mother just to be abused. I would call her and she would act delighted to hear from me and tell me how much she loves me, only moments later to go for the jugular. I would walk away from that telephone conversation feeling completely ruined. This is what is occurring with my neighbor, I am in the dance of abuse with her and I don't know how to get out of it. Even just recognizing what is really going on, I can't seem to extricate myself from her. I block her telephone calls and texting one minute and then open it back up. Last night I shut off my phone so that I would not be tempted to read any lingering texts from her and react to it. This morning when I turned on my phone, she did not respond to my last text to her and I was disappointed and fearful what she must be saying behind my back to her 4 close friends. I live in fear of her and in fear of myself when she abuses me. It takes alot of work to pick myself back up each time.
  4. Hi, everyone. This is my first post! I was diagnosed with atypical depression a while ago and was wondering if anyone else has been dealing with it. According to WebMD, one thing that differentiates atypical depression from melancholic depression is "mood reactivity" and it also is characterized by a "more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships." I do have these issues and also have another thing on the list, which is "a feeling of being weighted down, paralyzed, or 'leaden'". Adderall often helps with this feeling, but is by no means a cure-all. Anyway, the "mood reactivity" is interesting to me as I've often felt like I was a little bit BPD, maybe Borderline Lite?? Yes, I definitely feel things very intensely (which sucks), have a massive fear of abandonment and rejection, BUT I don't engage in reckless activities like sex with strangers or manipulation tactics, guilt tripping people, attention whore type behavior, etc. I basically just accept it when someone doesn't want to engage with me (it hurts a LOT, but I'd rather just deal than make it worse/embarrass myself by creating drama). Having said that, I often do feel like I'm still a teenager on the inside (am in my early 40s)! Maybe I am emotionally stunted, I don't know. I have an "inner adult" as well, but under stress my inner teenager seems to hijack my thoughts and feelings at times. Anyway, I thought it was interesting that this "atypical depression" encompasses these BPD/Complex PTSD-like symptoms and was curious to hear your guys' thoughts. Maybe it is a diagnosis for people who have grown out of their BPDish symptoms enough to need a different category? Although, I could be wrong/oversimplifying...
  5. Hello everyone! Where to begin... I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now). Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding. I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
  6. Bonjour y'all. I feel like I know y'all a bit - long time lurker. I just wanna say that I have used this site to help me research and kinda navigate my way through the blissful path of personal awareness in my journey through crazyland. I have been very thankful to find great resources and opinions here. So, into the breach of introductions... I am a 32 y/o lady hailing from the great and dirtiest South, Louisiana. I've been a healer for over half my life, and a massage therapist for over a decade. I'm a (veerrry) small business owner working from home So that I can also care for my two magnificent children, one of whom is a tri-lingual, fencing super-nerd and the youngest of whom is the closest thing to a literal angel that I will ever know. I know.. Im biased but I don't lie! My youngest (5) is also a soldier in the battle against unwonted, rare disease called Mitochondrial Complex III Deficiency. She is not expected to survive adolescence. I share this information to promote awareness of her affliction and to give some glimpse into the muti-faceted gem of shit luck that contributes greatly to my episodes of mental illness exacerbations. Diagnosed borderline, major depressive disorder, schizoaffectve with just a dash of PTSD and DID to keep it fun. I did not seek help until the peak of my schizoaffective emergence, during which I attempted twice within a year. I've been off and on the pharmacopia and onlythis year did I see a counselor. Now, because I'm swimming in medical bills for prescription meds, supplements (that insurance sure as shit won't cover), shitty cars, doctors appointments, genetic tests....yeah, I'm broke as fuck and I am on Medicaid. The great state of Louisiana is kind of a clusterfuck of bad doctors, limited mental health resources, and waiting lists that last over 6 months....so my mental health options are severly restricted. So I'm finally deciding to say hi to all of you in the hopes that we can aquaint ourselves and, hopefully, I can find some sense of community because no one in Jesus country is really open to talking about mental illness unless its to call MI the side-effect of demonic possession. So howdy y'all!
  7. Sorry if this has been posted before, tried searching and couldn't find anything. ^^; So BPD has been bought up a few times over the years in conversations with GPs, but I've always run away from the diagnosis and strongly denied it (I guess due to a lot of misunderstanding as to what a BPD diagnosis would actually mean, I guess). Recently I was trying to explain what goes on in my head to a housemate, and he bought up that "it sounds a lot like borderline". Turns out he was diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago, so we had a good talk about it, and I must admit, it makes a lot of sense. The thing is, I'm not sure how to bring this concern up with my psychologist. Do I just tell her I think I might have BPD? Any advice from people with similar experiences would be great ^^;
  8. I've not really been on in awhile. So, some things have changed though. I finally stopped accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me. Literally, one day I just told myself I was going to stop. And I did. When I would begin to worry, I would ask myself if he was actually at work late (and if I didn't believe myself, I'd call. If he didn't answer his cell, he was at work. If I needed more assurance. I called his work, which they don't really care if I just ask if he's about to leave.) He's even given me his time cards (they bring them home everyday.) And he made a good point, he goes to work, and comes straight home, everyday. When one of us leaves, we say where we're going. (if we're fighting I sometimes leave without a word.) But, in a recent counseling appt. my counselor even pointed out that my old insecurities are filling with new ones. The "not being good enough" one is harping on me like fucking crazy and it's annoying, really. Things have also felt weird because the other day, I almost was done for good. I called my dad to get me, we packed my stuff, and we left. But, I wasn't gonna get to see my boyfriend like normal. My dad told me, it was him or my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. Lately though, he's been nagging at me over stupid shit. Like, the air conditioner for example. He wants it on 70 and auto, and I want it on 68 and high. Well, the compromise was 68 and auto, even though it makes him cold sometimes still. We have a window unit in our motel room. I always say, "I don't wanna fight/argue." He doesn't realize when he's nagging/harping on me, sometimes. And the reason because of lack of nicotine needs to stop, IMO. He plans to stop smoking SOON, so yeah. There are times I'll say, "you're nicing (lack of nicotine), and need to calm down." and he normally apologizes and calms down. His insurance has finally kicked in. He's still agreed to get on medication, at least try. He doesn't want to, but he said he would for me. We plan to set him up with my PNP and he's already made an appt. with my counselor (to go alone of course and work on himself.) He likes my counselor, which is understandable, he wants someone he's comfortable with. I'm also not forcing him to see these people, it just happens a lot of them take his insurance. (including my dentist.) But, after me packing up and leaving, then coming back like 15 minutes later things have felt....weird? We went to a counseling appt. that night, we were going to Friday, this happened all this week too no less. With me still forgetting to take my meds, and taking myself off of lamictal ENTIRELY, I'm kind of wonky. I had a bad breakdown the day I tried to leave, when I came home. To the point of suicidal tendency because my dad disowned me....again. My anxiety has crept up into my head again, telling me I need to leave my boyfriend. In my heart and my head I know I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. Although, last night was sort of weird? I was laying next to him in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He pulled up his messenger app and quickly closed out of it when he realized I was watching him, I guess? I asked, "what was that about?" and he says, "I accidentally opened my messenger. Trying to look at my facebook feed." I just said oh. I asked him about it again, and he said the same thing just a little irritated. He then went into his contacts, and I was trying to go to sleep again. I opened my eyes, again. He was looking for someone. I asked who he was looking for, his initial response was "I don't know." so I asked again, and asked why he was in his contacts. He stated he was looking for the contact info of an admin who's on a website he uses, because he forgot his password and wanted to get on there on his phone. I just realized though, like ten minutes ago, he uses that website on this laptop. (we share his computer). His login is saved into the browser, I'm sure. He never remembers passwords to a lot of things, really. We both have our own accounts on the laptop, password protected. I'm just worried he's cheating on me online. When I brought that up, he's like, "who would do that? what's the point?" I said, "well some people end up meeting and stuff...." he just said, "that's still stupid. there's no point." I guess he didn't realize you can talk to someone online who does live in the same city? I don't know. I ask to see his phone, and he hands me it. He'll ask why sometimes, and if I straight up say to go through it, he hands it over. I knew his password to his old phone, the last four of his social. (Which I also know because of gov't. assistance and helping him apply for his insurance.) Granted, he doesn't like me snooping through his things. I don't think he even has a lock on the new phone? We just got new phones Thursday. If I ask who he's talking to, on the phone, or text, or Facebook he usually tells me. If I ask how he knows them, if they have a past, etc. he tells me. My insecurities have crept in telling me I'm not good enough. I compare myself to other girls he thinks are cute. I compare myself to the fact he prefers Latina and Japanse/Asian/Chinese women over white women. (I'm a white female.) I compare myself to the women he watches in porn. I always compare myself. It's weird. I'm comfortable in my skin, with my size, etc. I think I'm about average in the face? My self esteem fluctuates though. Am I being totally unrealistic or do I have reason to worry? Might I also add, once my phone broke I seized the computer to get on my social network accounts. I'm on it more than him, really. When I think about it. If he's up later than me on his phone, I hear him playing games (or watching porn to get off so he can sleep, if I've said I'm not in the mood). Any time I compare myself, or bring myself down, he says, "hey that's the woman I love you're talking about." or that "you're beautiful, more beautiful than any porn star, or girl I think is cute...because I LOVE you. Not them." I hate the fact that he's pretty much everything I want in a man. His charm. His looks. his personality. All of it. I know though, too that MI relationships tend to take more work. I'm trying to give the nagging thing a chance until he starts therapy and medications. I mean, he did say I really don't wanna take meds but I will for you, if you want us to try it. I appreciate that, a lot. I just feel like an insecure ugly potato.
  9. The many moods of BPD This is by no means comprehensive, but I thought I'd throw a little information out there. What is a personality disorder? Most people could define a mood disorder like Bipolar I, at least in general terms. They understand that BPI has extremes of depression and mania, and sometimes people go psychotic or try to kill themselves. Often they are great artists and great sufferers. It has classically been the most recognizable psychological disorder to the point that it has been used colloquially to describe simple mood swings that everyone experiences. Despite our awareness, mental illness is still stigmatized and misjudged. I have Bipolar II, for instance, which presents differently (I don't get full blown mania with psychotic symptoms usually), but simply by saying Bipolar, a lot of people just assume you're "nuts." Maybe I am, but I don't swing cats around or believe in tinfoil hats or eat dryer sheets, and I don't hurt anybody. We all have our own kind of nuts. Borderline is a lot like BPII, with mood swings and suicidality, but it is classified as a personality rather than a mood disorder. Personality disorders are often misunderstood. The DSM-V says this: "A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment" (645). The name "personality disorder" is itself a remnant of earlier psychiatric academia as is the name Borderline. "Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity" (645). And in "Cluster B...individuals with these disorders often appear dramatic, emotional, or erratic" (646). I think the name Borderline came about because they thought it was a crossover of psychosis and neurosis. People have suggested changing the name to "Emotion Dysregulation Disorder," but at this point it may be too stuck. The sad thing about BPD is that it is so vilified in both media and by the general public. When I was first doing research about BPD I came across some disturbing forums and book titles. "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder." "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying your Relationship" "Stop Caretaking the Borderline of Narcissist: How to End the Drama and get on with Life" "Borderline Disorder: 50 Solutions for Surviving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" "Personality Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder: Beauty Queen or Emotional Terrorist?" This one is so good I have to quote the Amazon "blurb": "People who suffer from BPD aren’t the only one in distress. Needless to say, those who surround them, including friends and family are affected, too. Borderline Personality Disorder is a tough nut to crack. The drastic shifts from one emotion to another, an abrupt change in decisions and episodes of identity disturbances are what you have to deal with. Are you in love with a beauty queen one minute and an emotional terrorist the next? Does he or she adore you one minute and then seem to despise you just as quickly for seemingly nothing? Are you damned if you do and damned it you don't? You may be dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a serious, exhausting and sometimes soul-sucking personality disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder Beauty Queen Or Terrorist will help you face everyday life with somebody who has it. You can still develop a healthy relationship and provide support for these people if you have a deeper understanding of BPD. If you are at wit’s end and seem to be at the edge of the rope, hang in there, this book might just be the book you’re looking for! Discussion Includes The Following: • What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? • What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder? • How Is Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosed? • How Is Borderline Personality Disorder Treated? • How To Cope With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder Learn the 10 Steps on how to cope with BPD! Don't suffer anymore. Purchase Now!" When I was first diagnosed, a friend I met with BPD told me to stay away from Borderline forums because they are full of angry significant others who just want to bash their partners because of their BPD. I understand better than most how frustrating BPD is, and I also understand how frustrating it must be for the people around me, but I am certainly not an emotional terrorist, nor do I think anyone with Borderline is. This is a particularly great breakdown of it: NIMH: BPD. Winona Ryder's character in "Girl, Interrupted" was supposedly borderline and it is actually believeable. Marsha Linehan is the current BPD guru and her book from the early '80s Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is still the standard text. She pioneered Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the most accepted method of treatment for BPD patients, but it is also being used for a huge variety of different issues that standard therapies haven't treated. They recently released a second edition of her companion handbook that has been updated and is very useful. DBT teaches four main modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. These seem to be the most difficult issues for someone with Borderline. Mindfulness is useful for all humans, but it is particularly useful for people who tend to dissociate or feel empty because it is a concrete way to bring you back to your body and focus on the world at hand vs. the world in your head. I try to meditate a couple times a day. I am not always successful, but when I am I feel much more grounded. Handling distress is like drowning. People with BPD have extreme emotions, and distress can feel like it's the end of the world, every time. Distress can be caused by minor issues too but because we react so extremely, what might have been a small concern becomes something large we have to work through. For instance, if you've lost a job it might trigger a spiral of depression, feeling worthless, guilt, shame, self harm, and potentially suicidal ideation or action. Learning to sit with the feelings associated with disappointment and hurt is the goal of distress tolerance, and DBT offers lots of fun advice on how to do that. I will share some of that in a different post. Interpersonal skills may be the most complex and complicated issue someone with Borderline has to face. I know for me I am always questioning my relationships. They can be extremely volatile, I can fixate on people, I get incredibly angry, I don't listen properly, I get so focused on being "bad" and the root of the cause that I don't actually hear the other person. My pdoc at the last psych ward said this was my main issue. At the time I wasn't sure, but he may have been right. People affect me intensely. Somebody simply not responding to me can send me into a spiral of guilt and self-loathing that is truly incredible. When Husband and I argue I tend to catastrophize and imagine that our relationship is over and that I should probably kill myself. As soon as we make up though, those feelings dissipate. Emotion regulation is a big problem. I have mood swings (usually long lasting ones unless I'm rapid cycling) because of the BPII, but I have quick and intense mood swings because of the BPD. I can be screaming, fighting, and crying one minute, and then a few minutes later I'm fine and can carry out my day. It shocks Husband when that happens. It's the only way I know how to function. I can't handle staying with the bad emotion so I have to change it to something new. Self-harm and suicidality are huge issues for people with BPD. I've been a cutter since I was 13. I've done some major damage, requiring stitches on at least a handful of occasions because I cut too deep. I was never trying to slit my wrists to die, just to feel the pain. That has a lot of motivations: sometimes it's because I was numb and wanted to feel anything, sometimes I felt like I hated myself and deserved to hurt, sometimes it was so spontaneous and impulsive that I don't really know the motivation other than anger and the inability to sit through difficult emotions. Suicidal ideation has been my life. Since I was a teenager my mind has been preoccupied with suicide for a predominant amount of my mental life. There is a difference between ideation and intent, I should note. It's like fantasizing vs. making a plan to actually commit suicide. I have attempted suicide on a few occasions. Clearly none of them worked, thankfully. The last was the most serious and hopefully the last time that it happens. I've never been more serious than trying to break my neck, but there's lots more on that in my journal. Borderline is a condition of extremes. Happiness, sadness, frustration, pain, confusion... and it is very misunderstood. I hope that the more the media addresses these issues and people educate themselves, that treatments can improve and people will actually seek them out. This post may be updated as I do more research.
  10. I'm not really sure where to start. Not even sure how active this forum is. This is my first post, so bear with me please. What happens when Ive only ever been told that I like treating people like shit? That I actually enjoy it and make the conscious choice? I went undiagnosed until I was 27. I can remember the last good year I had in my life. I can pinpoint the moment that triggered my propensity into a full blown illness. What I'm most curious about, aside from just wanting to talk to other borderlines, is my personal form of self harm/self soothing. I bash my head into walls, doors, cupboards. or anything hard. And I mean bash. Sometimes it's a running start head down, like a bull. If I can't, I rip my hair by handfuls from the sides. I've been doing this for about six years now. I don't know that others do this. I feel like a fucking psycho. My bf calls me an idiot and to "go bash my head some more". He watches and rolls his eyes and walks away. I feel really fucking isolated and I can't tell if it's real or if I caused it. According to him, every problem we have is because of my diagnosis or bipolar and borderline with dissociative. If I could just change and get over it, we'd be great. "I love you so much when you're medicated", but he fights back and bites back when I'm having an episode. He loves medicated me. Sometimes I love erratic me. I have good qualities hidden under all this mess. I wish he saw that. Rambling about nothing, I'm sorry. I hope I'm within guidelines. I have zero support from anyone who knows.
  11. I have a dual diagnosis as bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder. I lean more towards depression but have had bouts of extreme anxiety, daily suicidal thinking, anger, and risky sexual behavior. I am on 300mg of Lithium and 25mg of Lamictal and tapering up to 50mg soon. I feel exhausted all the time currently with episodes of intense anger and general sadness. I'm looking for other people with this dual diagnosis to share what meds they have tried and what has worked for them. I cannot currently say that my meds have helped. I know I am at a very low dose. In my mind I have tried so many meds (seroquel, Lexapro, Lithium, Lamictal, Nardil, Parnate, Abilify, Topemax)....all of these in various combinations with one another. I have and still feel like an outsider, a weirdo, mentally unstable. I would like to find others with my same struggle who are perhaps finding relief. Please share with me. Kristen
  12. Too in your head to be voices, too loud to be normal thoughts? MAybe i'm talking about different things here... Do you know what I'm saying if I say thoughts that won't stop talking? Not always a bad thing, but I'm very unresponsive to outside stimulation when I'm like this. It's llike all this information just goes into your mind like BAAM BAM usually accompanied by visuals in the brain (not usually literally visual) just being supper "absorbed" idk is that the right word? sometimes its random "voices", "loud thoughts" NOT auditory. saying something just plain random.ex "Jerome, I kow you aint been at the grocery store!" or. .. "that's why old ladies don't buy eachhothers facewash" etc... maybe I'm all over the place here maybe I'm looking for some direction. ALso idk I this is EVEN RELATED but hearing the wrong the wrong words out of people's mouths. Like, they say "something" nd I hear "what a fuckin bitch" or I hear "that was in ur head" and I say "wtf did u just say?!" and they sa y "something"..................... one more thing is that I SOMETIMES INVOLUNTARILY repeat the same phrase over n over(in my head or outloud) . why. if u have ny insight into one or more of these things I woud like to hear about it.. thnx for reading ttyl
  13. I have a working diagnosis of rapid cycling schizoaffective bipolar type and diagnoses of OCPD and severe PTSD. I was told i exhibit signs of BPD (Fear of abandonment, self harm, no sense of or poor perception of self image/identity, strained relational aspects, rapid mood swings that last only days/hours) but no clear diagnosis can be made due to the complexity and overlap of symptoms of what I have PTSD over and the bipolar aspect. I have done extensive research on BPD and have always felt like I recognized with the symptoms, but have no clue if its just purely coincidental due to the nature of what I'm dealing with. What I am wondering is would it be beneficial to keep track of and mark when I have mood shifts and what I think caused them as well as any marked changes in self perception/image and relational aspects and why I feel how I do when I do. Is it worth it to commit this much to something I may not even have because it's explained by other factors, or would this be beneficial in ruling out other factors and closing in on a more firm working diagnosis? I am unsure if I should dedicate my time to something that may be futile in nature, because there just hasn't been enough time yet to work through my PTSD and other factors that are clouding a possible diagnosis. I don't really know what I would do with a diagnosis, I just feel like I'm more in control when I do know for certain because I can work towards getting better with an effective and throughly thought out plan. Any input? Am I out of line with my thinking or do I have legitimate cause to think the way I do? I feel like I'm simply trying to justify a way to feel in control and like im heading somewhere right now, but at the same time, I do truly feel like there is something else, something deeper, going on with me that is just being clouded by what I'm dealing with. Am I just thinking too far into this and grasping at something I think will give me control?
  14. My name is Stephane, and I've been recently diagnosed with borderline and/or bipolar II...which is where my dilemma comes in. My psychologist believes I have borderline PD, my psychiatrist, who spends more time with me, believes I have rapid cycling bipolar II. I see my psychologist once a month and my psychiatrist twice a week. I've tried to get them to talk to each other to come up with one concrete diagnosis, but they only want to go through me. I know a diagnosis won't define me, but I sure wish I knew what I am so I can come up with a plan of action. Has anyone else had this issue? I believe I'm bipolar--I was diagnosed bipolar by my primary care physician as a child--but I can't help but feel mounting frustration. The doctor not in charge of my meds wants my meds upped to take the edge off my psychosis. The doctor in charge of my meds gets mad that the other doctor is challenging his BPD diagnosis and says no. Help. What would be a good way to help fix this? I love both my doctors and respect them both, but the only thing they agree on is that I have OCD.
  15. Ok where to start... hate this... ok I'm 21 and I'll tell a brief of my story. I had a great infancy lets say before 9 years blahblahbla but at some point I started to get more and more introverted and "fragile". Later got bullied in school. My adolescence was conflicting. at 18 i started to use LSD, it was fantastic and so I realized that I needed help for my depression. ok. Soon I started to do cocaine and soon alot of coke and u know- rehab bolocks. in the meantime got various "suicidal" attempts (but never intended to kill myself, just self-harm or so). OK thats a just little of my life and would be impossible to write it all cuz i dont remember alot. THE POINT IS. Im diagnosed with Major Depression, Borderline Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Bipolar and ADHD (is it even possible to have all of these disorders together, if not more?). Thats what I know cuz my psych hides the rest. I can say that I tried almost all antidepressants/antipsychs/stimul/anxiolytics and never got good results. also many illegal drugs. So far, recently i've switched my ritalin 60mg to vyvanse 100mg. I must tell you, it changed my life 180 degrees. Now I can feel normal, positive, calm, motivated etc. and not anymore irritable, depressed, craving drugs/alcohol, self-harmfull etc. Why vyvanse solved all the problems that the others didnt? is that possible cause I dont see so many people using it as a anti-depressant other than just for ADHD? What i mean, vyvanse makes me awesome because makes me fell normal. I know its an amphetamine and is addictive blah blah. I really dont care as much as i dont get tolerance (which i'm not). I don't feel euphoria, feel nromal happyness. It also feels natural. Sure taking a higher dosage would be euphoric, but i dont plain to do so, its like im healed from drug abuse now. Anyway I like to share my experience, maybe some others with resistant-depression who dont respond to traditional ad's should try this shit.
  16. My psychologist and I have been talking and she was thinking I was borderline this whole time but after charting my major moods for the past couple of years it's evident that I have periods of hypo mania and low depressions. Could I be both? I go back and see her in a couple of weeks and I see my pdoc next month as well. Funnily enough I'm taking an abnormal psychology class right now, we had to read memoirs for extra credit assignments. I read the Buddha and the borderline and the unquiet mind . I see many characteristics of myself in both of these books. Currently my diagnosis is mood disorder nos. that's because my doctors hadn't looked at the overall moods for the past two years. I'm on geodon, buspar, trazadone, and Effexor. Been on several others(seroquel, Wellbutrin, Ativan, Prozac ...others that I can't remember ) just curious if anyone has heard of or,now if anyone that has both? P.s. I know labels aren't the important part. But I would like to know what is going on within myself. That way I can discuss frankly with my doctors.
  17. I posted something similar to this on another one of my favorite support sites, but would like to hear from this community on this issue. I recently went online to look at the summary notes my doctor posts after each visit and apparently I have five different diagnoses now! I found that almost funny, but mostly sad. I was wondering if anyone else had multiple diagnoses and how they felt about them. Mine are, according to this doctor: Schizoaffective disorder, unspecified condition - Primary Generalized anxiety disorder Borderline personality disorder Schizotypal personality disorder Anxiety disorder, unspecified anxiety disorder type So, I have two anxiety disorders (how does that happen?) as well as both schizotypal and schizoaffective disorders (I always thought that a person was not supposed to be diagnosed with both schizotypal and a disorder with psychotic features). I am coming to terms with the Borderline personality disorder diagnosis after fighting against it with previous doctors. I suppose if more than one doctor diagnoses it, then there is a good case for it. I do have issues with impulse control, irritability, and sudden mood swings, but I thought it was normal and I just sucked at controlling myself, like I lacked maturity or something. Now I wonder what it is like to feel healthy, or even to have one disorder rather than this clusterfuck - not to discount anyone's struggles with any single one. It has been so long since I have felt healthy for a good amount of time (years ago).
  18. I literally joined this site two minutes ago, so this is my first post. Hi. I was diagnosed with "quiet" borderline personality disorder a year and a half ago when I was inpatient. The therapist and doctor there probably came to this diagnosis after having observed my cutting and purging behavior. Fast-forward to 2015, and I ended my therapy because: a. I felt worse every time I left the office; and b. I didn't believe I had this disorder. I felt that my cutting and purging was rooted more in a trauma I had about three years earlier than it was in something I had grown up with. Anyway, I'm reflecting more on the relationships I used to have and how unstable I was (I'd also like to add that before the trauma, I had untreated cases of both schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder). I wonder sometimes if I do have this. Interestingly enough, only a few weeks after my last therapist's appointment, I ceased all cutting and purging. I'm learning to drive and I'm also taking college classes two weeks from now. The thing that concerns me now, is whether I should resume my dialectical behavioral therapy. I'm thinking that perhaps I didn't "match up" with my therapist, and that's why I felt so crummy after every session. The biggest reason why I would consider taking therapy up again would be because I want to major in psychology, and it wouldn't do to be a professional psychologist and have untreated borderline personality disorder. Any advice?
  19. Since I have been diagnosed as borderline no matter what I tell the psychiatrist he just keeps putting it down to emotional disregulation and it's really starting to get to me! And the worst part is that this post is evidence of that.
  20. I've been taking Bupropion for about three weeks now and it makes me shaky, sometimes more than others. I've been prescribed Alprazolam, twice a day as needed, to help get through this. Anyone else have this issue, and, if so, does it ever seem to settle? Also, I know it has stimulant-like qualities, but I'm wondering if I'll get used to them.
  21. I once had BPD traits and now try to help two of my friends who still struggle with them a lot. The pessimism out there about what is possible for BPD is really challenging for them. I recently found some interesting research that is quite encouraging. Here is one study: http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=209673 The results of the 88 patients in this study were quite encouraging; many of them recovered to the point of no longer being diagnosable as borderline, and they had quite severe histories to start with. There is also this longitudinal study - http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Zanarini10-yearCourseofBPD-10-23-12.pdf It shows that even without treatment, many borderlines improve a lot. I hope these studies will encourage people that recovery, however defined and to different degrees, is possible, and not to easily give up on someone dealing with borderline issues! I also covered these two studies in detail in this article - https://BPDtransformation.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/22-proof-that-borderlines-are-motivated-for-psychotherapy-and-can-fully-recover/
  22. At first they thought it was Bipolar II, but now they seem sure that it is Borderline. Lamictal seemed to be awesome when I started the initial 50mg a day dose. But maybe because I was in a "high" phase of my cycle. When the doctor took me up to 400 mg a day (afer a month), I devolped a delusional anxiety and fear so strong it was crippling my life. So he took me down to 200mg, and..I'm only a little bit better. I know people say to "stick it out" with the Lamictal, but I'm now so dependent on Clonazepam just to be able to look out the window, even. I've stuck this out for 3 weeks, and I'm tired. Will it be much longer? Is my pdoc incompetent?
  23. My fiance works overnight shifts and a second part time job on some days. He sleeps about as much as I do (it is hard to get sleep with a newborn baby), anywhere from 4-8 hours with 6 being the norm. He is typically very energetic and working like this never put a strain on him before. Even when we first brought the baby home from the hospital, he was so excited. He was very happy. I watched him almost entirely by myself while he worked overnight and then came home and got plenty of sleep. Of course I don't mind it this way because I can take a few classes and not worry about working, giving me more time to focus on them. So this routine benefits the two of us, however... it is starting to wear us down. Our baby has colic, so he often cries relentlessly for hours. Recently, my fiance is always tired. All day, every day and night. He says he is messing up at work too. He only plays with our baby for a few minutes before going to bed and leaving me with him myself as always except Tuesday and Thursday morning when I have class. Those are my only breaks from the baby and when he has to watch him. My fiance seems to get angry whenever our baby cries now, instead of calmly helping me or going about what he was doing. He also gets irritated with me easier. If I try to explain something to him, or let him know something, he gets frustrated and makes angry gestures which sets me off. Everytime I ask him what's wrong he responds with nothing or he doesn't know. He says he is tired all of the time and achy. He seems less interested in me, but he insists that is just my imagination and being worried because he is tired all of the time now (which he does recognize). After prying at him, he finally tells me he thinks something is wrong and his best guess is that it has to do with working overnights. He explains he is tired all of the time, which I knew, but also has things he wants to do very badly to have fun, but won't do them because he thinks they are pointless. He is wanting to enjoy himself (we also recently had a babysitter for the baby so we had a couple days to ourselves for once), which I understand, but is still difficult for me to hear and hurtful for two reasons. Firstly, because that makes me feel inadequate. Secondly, because he leaves our home to go to work and comes home to sleep while I continue to watch the baby so he can without being woken up and then when he is awake, unless I'm in school, does whatever he wants. He even has his friends coming over to hang out everytime I go to class, and more sometimes. I don't hardly leave home (very challenging with a baby that almost never stops screaming), cannot do much for the obvious reasons, and have been having trouble sleeping because I wake up all the time thinking I hear the baby crying. Yet, he tells me how upset he is that he isn't enjoying himself. While I understand that, it still makes me so angry because I feel like he is being insensitive. Whenever I say something like that, he gets so angry at me and frustrated because he wants me to continue taking care of our baby so he can do whatever. Another thing I noticed was that he is ten times happier and more excited when his friends come over than he ever is being with me. Even when we got a break. He just seems so miserable that I want to just leave. It makes it all seem so pointless. Yet, he insists that it isn't the way my mind precieves it. He also used to be more sensitive towards me and would try to help me feel better, but he just seems to be pushing all of that aside all of the sudden. He is going to talk to a doctor about depression, but I can't help but wonder if there is more to it. Why is he acting such a way to me, an d he is so happy when he is with his friends, but only tired with me. I'm really burnt out and really just want him to be sensitive towards me. I need that. I tell him, and he apologizes, but tells me I'm dramatizing it. That he really is not acting like that with me. It is really hard to tell when it is my imagination, and when something is really happening. Often I do dramatize events and situations. I precieve problems that do not even exist out of fear and anxiety. How can I tell if I'm right this time, or if it's my fear telling me all of these things?
  24. I think I'm just making life harder for myself. So I lost my job about 3 mths ago and then all this shit came out that the reason I was excluded/treated like shite at work was because my supervisors and 2up didn't like the way I look. could have pushed for unlawful dismissal but had just filed a sexual assault with the police so I didn't have any fight left in me. Which is probably why I let the bf push for us to get a dog (I'll get to that). Anyway, I've been getting progressively worse over the last few months, maybe since October ish last year if I'm honest, and I've been taking fluoxetine during luteal phase because I was getting pretty suicidal at that time (not good when working on mine sites with the big trucks!). I wanted the bf to back me up about the work issue and he didn't. His reasoning was that he didn't want to jeopardise his job. Cos it comes first. Always. Even tho he says otherwise. So then we didn't speak for a couple of days and the day he flew home he sent me a msg saying he was bringing one of his work ppl over to pick some stuff up. We're all friends but since the timing was bad and we hadn't been speaking and then I had to go out for dinner with them and act happy while slowing simmering to a boil on the inside things turned ugly on the way home from dropping the friend off. We started fighting in the car and then bf was screaming at me and braked really hard, pulled the car over and leant towards me screaming. So I blocked his face. Raised both hands and blocked his face. Which is like hitting him but without the intent of striking. I thought he was going to throw me out of the car, at night, with no money, no phone, no house keys and leave me a fair way from home. I also thought he was going to start hitting me so after I hit him I curled up in a ball in the seat with my arms covering my head, I call it vertical foetal position. It's my signature move. So after we got home we avoided each other and I went into my head space and decided how I was going to end it all. Some would say it's a good thing I forgot I had one part of my plan tucked away in a cupboard, I'm not so sure. He left the house the next morning when my alarm went off where I was sleeping in the spare room and I went to a appointment and then figured out a place to stay until he went back to work. I msgd him to let him know and he told me to come home. He's been hit (punched, slapped) by women in relationships before and didn't think anything it. I have a problem with that. I don't think any violence is acceptable and I don't have a double standard for men vs women. I've never hit anyone before and I think he should have left me on the spot. So I don't get it. There were a lot of factors leading up to that particular meltdown. I'd like to put it down to the borderline and depression but I think stress and lack of support from bf play a huge part in it. My second major meltdown came when I thought I was late picking up a dog from the airport that we'd adopted. No internet on my phone, no address for the freight pick up on the website before I left and running late. I drove around for 30-40 mins looking for this stupid place that I'd been once a while ago when I wasn't driving or paying attention. Msgd the bf trying to get directions and he told me to look up an old email that I no longer had. Super helpful. He then sent me a couple of relevant street names that I couldn't look up, all the while I was driving around in circles getting mroe and more frantic because there's no where to stop in that while area that isn't paid airport parking. Sooo this led to a sobbing yelling mess on the phone and him being less that supportive and just telling me 'I told you...' and 'in the msg I said ...'. Not helpful. Full blown crying, screaming borderline mess in the car while driving. I had the sense to park in some private parking and eventually came to myself enough to realise there was a person sitting in the car next to me the whole time. That was enough to give me the strength to pull myself together enough to drive away and try again to find this place, only to be told the flight had been delayed and then wait for nearly an hour to get the damn dog. I have a beautiful giant flemish bunny. So smart and gentle and curious. We got this dog (or I got the dog because the bf works 2hr flight away and is only home every second week) and she's awful. By herself she's ok. Way too excited though, clearly has never had any boundaries or rules before so she doesn't even respond to me unless I have food. If I leave her outside she whines and yelps and scratches the (rental house) door. If I let her in she ignores me completely tries to chase my bunny and whines and yelps and barks when I won't let her. I gave her a bath today cos she stank and this evening she didn't smell much better. She shits all over our pavers and in the garage instead of in the garden area. I got her as a rescue dog because I thought I'd 'do the right thing', save a life etc but I think I've made a terrible mistake. Throw my mental state into it and you have me screaming at the dog while she goes crazy for the bunny and I'm sure my neighbours think I'm an arsehole. The bunny is a champ tho, if I can get the dog even slightly calm and call to him, he'll try to come over to meet her, repeatedly. So he's not the problem. It's not like he's running crazy and giving her something to chase. I feel like I only really got her because bf was so pushy. We applied for a different dog originally and he was asking me multiple times a day if I'd heard anything, if I'd called the people, and when we didn't get that one I told him it was probably for the best because I was really struggling. Even taking care of the bunny is hard some day (still much easier than a dog). The we saw this one and the same thing, asking constantly what was happening, had I heard anything about the dog. So now we have her and I hate her. I'm trying so hard not to. I take her for walks, try to get her to do some training - sit, walk on a lead, come. I just can't enjoy an animal that makes me so stressed and tries to get my bunny every time she's in the house. I talked to bf about sending her back and he told me to wait until he gets home and he'll see what he can do. LOL! That's still 6 days away. Also, he's had one dog, and not for very long. He doesn't care for animals properly, I do the work, wtf does he think he can do? I've trained dogs before and this dog just has a lot of bad habits to break that I don't have the energy to deal with and I don't want my bunny to have a heart attack, cos they do that. There's no fair way of keeping her. I can't deal with this, the bunny shouldn't have to and the bf is only here 6 days a fortnight. AND, on top of it all, the doge sets off my allergies. I haven't had eczema for a looong time and it's raging since the dog showed up. Ugh! Much text. Such confusion. Pretty isolated where we are (read: no friends) so other than my psychologist, who I can't afford, this is really my only outlet. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
  25. I need an advice because i can’t think straight anymore and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I started having a relationship with a guy who used to be my friend. It took me years to see him as something else then a friend and it all happened so fast that I didn’t know what hit me. Sometimes I still can’t believe that we are together. At the beginning everything seemed to be more or less ok, he was living in another city and we were seeing each other every second week during weekends. But then he started coming more often and each time he came he stayed longer, until we basically moved in together. I started being morbidly jealous, controlling, started doubting each and every word he said, wanted to know his every move, freaked out when he didn’t reply within 5 minutes, got anxious if we don’t hear from each other for more than an hour. I became, clingy, needy, demanding and was always angry, full of rage, aggressive and verbally abusive towards him, I was just like a child going crazy when being away from its mother. I realised something is definitely wrong with me and I immediately seeked help with the therapist. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder. I accepted it and am trying to deal with it and help myself but I fail all the time. This madness has been going on for more than 7 months already. I can’t stand being away from him and it is so tiring and frustrating. Each time he goes back home for his exams it’s a living hell from me. I feel anxious every day the whole day. I try giving him his space that he deserved and need, but I can’t help myself. I am so focused on him and I waste all my time and energy on him and thinking of him. I look for distractions and try to keep myself busy, but it doesn’t help. He was doing all he can to “please” me and meet my unrealistic demands but he is broken too and he can’t go on like this anymore either. Just some weeks ago things started getting a bit better, because I somehow try to control myself and act more or less normal, but the way I feel and the feeling of “restlessness, fear and anxiety” is still there. My stomach turns each time my phone beeps, thinking is it him, or when I think what is he doing, or why is he not replying etc. I expect him to spend every free minute of every day with me, and I seek his attention, affection and confirmation of his love every minute of every day, while knowing all along that it is wrong and that I am just pushing him away from me. I don’t feel like seeing my friends anymore and I don’t have any interests of my own. I became everything he never wanted. I want him to live his life according to my expectations and it is wrong. His interests are computers, programming, games, he loves it and enjoys it and I hate seeing him sitting in front of a pc for more than an hour and can’t help it but give him a hard time about it. I want to save my relationship but I am afraid I don’t know how and if I can deal with this any longer. I can’t go on living if my happiness depends on him and if I can’t do anything else but spend my time being focused on him. I try turning off my phone, so I don’t stare at it all the time, or I try not replying but I always end up turning it on again, checking if he wrote or not. It is so frustrating. I am in my early thirties and I don’t think I behaved this way even when I was a teenager, it is so childish and unreasonable. I made him delete all his female friends and get sick to my stomach even if I think that he might talk to some female...i mean, how stupid is that!! I don’t trust him at all and I don’t know why. I try to figure out why I feel the way I do and if he can really be the reason and the source of it. I often think to myself that if this is what I turn into when I start caring or loving someone, then I am better off alone and not having a relationship at all. It would be nice hearing different opinions or advice of you guys that have maybe been through a similar situation or feel the same way. Thanks p.s sorry for the length of the post, didn't mean to write a book but i tend to get carried away
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