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Hi y'all, I'm having a problem and I really am at a loss. I don't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I have plans to get married in April, we're both going to be 29 this year. I'm feeling like I don't know if I can go forward because of this problem involving his best friend. I introduced them a little over a year ago. They talk on the phone and text several times a day. He lends the friend money whenever he needs it. We live downtown and don't have a car, so he calls this guy first if he needs a ride, every time. They go party together twice a week or so. I really didn't have any sort of problem with any of this until I realized that the friend had no respect for me. It built up over time with small things and now I just don't want him anywhere near me. After attempts to squash hipster-racist and ignorant mysoginistic jokes in my house my concerns are laughed off and the jokes continue. This fella obviously doesn't respect me and tells my guy all kinds of things about me and my depression that 1) aren't true and 2) put a wedge in my relationship with my guy. I got yelled at a couple of months ago by the friend over a conversation that took place in my home with a few mutual friends. My boyfriend never stepped in to say that the things he was yelling at me for saying came from my boyfriend's mouth first. The friend told me I was wasting my life (I've been struggling lately and have stayed home a lot for the last few months) and when I told him to get out of my house he said that technically my boyfriend paid all of the bills here (untrue) so that I couldn't kick him out. I still kicked him out. Oh, he told my boyfriend that my crying fits/panic attacks are a "bipolar ruse" (I'm not bipolar) and not to "fall for it." I'm not sure what he means by that, but really, he isn't a doctor the last I checked. I've had multiple sit down talks with my guy about this situation. I know that I've tried to communicate about it. I try to look at the situation and break it down in pieces and try to tell whether or not I'm feeling this way because of external forces or if it is all inside myself. My feelings at this point are that 1) their relationship is unhealthy, 2) if this friend were a woman that it would be considered inappropriate, 3) if I had a friend who treated my guy like I've been treated they would cease to be my friend, and 4) the way they cling to one another it makes me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. I'm trying to evaluate whether or not those feelings match reality, or if I'm just a victim of my own brain. I'm starting to think that I just get mad at the friend because it's easier than being angry at the man I love. Since my boyfriend knows how I feel, and I've requested space several times over the last 4 months and not gotten it, that the problem lies with my boyfriend. He obviously sees something in this overgrown man-child. I don't know quite what to say about it or how to say it, since I'm starting to feel like I can't marry someone who doesn't seem to care for how I feel. He loves me, calls me his family, is helping me to get help for my depression, but just doesn't seem to understand that I am serious about this. Bless your heart if you got through that mess. Thanks for reading.
Hello everyone. I've recently been looking for some advice in the relationship area regarding my boyfriend's behavior. I know this is a lot to read, but there is a lot involved and wanted to get the opinions of other people who aren't involved in what's going on. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and from the beginning things have always been pretty great. He's an amazing guy in every way and I absolutely adore him. We both have our issues, of course, we're only human after all. He has been diagnosed with a very mild form of schizophrenia, and we both have anxiety disorders. While our relationship has always been very loving and kind, I have noticed some trends and I thought I might ask a couple questions to see if anyone knows what could be going on first of all, and what I can do to help. I'm not really sure where to begin so I'll just start with explaining things that I've seen myself. The first thing I noticed is that he is EXTREMELY hard on himself. The slightest mistake he might make will set him off, not in an angry way, but rather in the, "Oh no, I'm a fuck up," kind of way. When that happens, it's very, VERY difficult for him to turn his thoughts around. It'll be something as simple as missing a call from me (which we call every day more than once), which to me does not seem like a big deal. However to him, he sees that as him "screwing up" and being "worthless." Which brings me to the next thing I noticed. It took me awhile to notice the severity in this notion he has that he is worthless. I tell him time and time again that he is not worthless, that he means the world to me, and I try to remind him of his friends and family who care so much for him, who would be heartbroken without him. But, from what I think is due to how he was treated during his childhood, he has it practically drilled into his brain that he is worthless, that he will never do anything right, and that he will never be successful. Sometimes I can encourage him out of this funk, but other times it's extremely difficult and I have to spend hours or even days trying to calm him down or distract him with happier things. Now, a little disclaimer here... we never actually fight or argue. Many of our friends and family see our relationship as pretty damn near perfect, and I agree with them. We get along, we support each other, we make each other laugh, we are able to discuss things when we need to for the most part, and settle differences in a calm, mature manner... we've never actually fought each other, or have been against each other. In fact, ANY of the conflicts we've ever had have revolved around one of us (usually him) being too hard on themselves. But the difference is, whereas usually I cool off in a couple minutes and it tends to happen very infrequently, he'll literally be trembling with remorse and fear for something he may not even have caused (For example, a friend being upset for reasons that have nothing to do with either of us, a loss in a team game we're playing, a dropped call, etc)! Lately, he's only been focusing on negative stuff, which is due to stress of current situations at home and work. Suggestions go in one ear, out the other, reassurance is ignored, advice shot down, so in the end, I don't know what to say to him to help cheer him up and he's left feeling terrible, crying, and apologizing to me over and over (by the way, I never really understand why he's apologizing so much, nor do I understand why he should even apologize in the first place. Even when I ask what he's apologizing for, the motif he gives me usually seems completely unreasonable). He feels so miserable almost all the time these days, and it's killing me too because all I want is for him to be happy, for him to realize that he IS a good person and that it's okay to make mistakes. What's scaring me even more is that he's been doing crazy kinds of things as well lately that he never used to do before and it's making me question if I might be in a dangerous situation. Let me just first say that he has NEVER once laid a hand on me, never made any threats, nothing that sounded even remotely like he'd intend to hurt me, so don't get me wrong. For the most part, I don't feel like I'm the one in danger. I'm more worried more about him being a danger to himself. Let me explain. Sometimes, when he's slipping into that funk where he feels like he's screwing up, nothing he does is right, etc, he thinks that he's upset me some how, and he'll slip even deeper, making it that much harder to help him, that much harder for him to calm himself down as well. This really confuses me even more, because I will have literally NO idea why he'd think I'd be upset at him. It's happened in front of our friends before, too, and they'll agree and try to reassure him that I wasn't mad and that everything is okay. When I try to ask him why he thinks I was upset with him, his answer usually has to do with my tone of voice. At first I thought, well, that may be true, I'll keep a better watch on my tone, because that has always been an issue with me (I have a hard time noticing my own tone, so things come off sounding sad when I'm happy, or angry when I'm just indifferent). But even our friends who have seen this happen many a time tell me that my voice doesn't sound any different than when I had been talking with them earlier. I'm pretty sure I don't sound like an angry person naturally, so I have no idea what's really going on, what I should do, or if there is anything I CAN do. On another note, he's had an issue with cutting in the past, but he's been trying really hard to stop. He's been doing very well with it in fact, that he hadn't even cut ONCE in several months. I tell him often how proud I am of him, and how glad it makes me that he's not injuring himself. He says he's proud of himself too. Well, now I'm putting these two things together. Still with me here? A couple nights ago, he thought he had upset me again (and again, with no real warning. Our friends were around), and I didn't even know it was happening at first. He just left the group call we were in. But he messaged me telling me that he was going to leave me alone for awhile and that he was sorry he had upset me, so, alarmed, I called him up and asked what was going on. He was breaking down hard and sounded the most distraught I'd ever heard him. That's when he told me he had cut again. It took me a moment to reply and when I did, I asked if he was okay and I asked why he wanted to cut. He told me that he was a fuck up and that he had upset me again (he counts the times he thinks he has "screwed up" which is very bad, because he's never actually letting anything go!), to which I tried once again to reassure him that he hadn't upset me at all before, but that I was worried about him since he'd cut again. Which is when he suggested something kind of bizarre to me: He said, clearly crying, "I'll cut deeper for you if it'll make you happy." I told him very quickly that I did not want him to ever hurt himself, and that him causing himself pain did not in any way make me "happy," that I wanted him to be pain-free and happy and healthy. After a few hours, I was able to calm him down a bit to the point that he was able to get some sleep, but still, even though he literally did nothing to upset me the first time, he's still beating himself up about it even now. I'm very worried about him. Part of me wants to say that the stress of his current situation is just getting to him, but another part of me says that if it goes on like this, he's going to end up losing his mind or killing himself. While he knows that this worries me, I'm afraid to talk to him about it in too much depth because I think he might slip back into hating himself. I know he needs counseling, and I've suggested it to him. But (and this is due to his schizophrenia, I'm sure, in the same aspect that he usually doesn't want to take his medication) even though I've spoken to him for months on the idea of trying a counselor again to get him some help with his stress, he has not looked for one. I'm to the point where I'm going to be calling up an old counselor of mine and asking her if she knows one that would be good for him, just to give him a little push. I'm actually wondering if the way he's acting is a schizophrenic thing or if this is something entirely different. To be honest, I'm not even sure if he is schizophrenic or if it could be something different, because while no, he doesn't want to take his medication, and while he has hallucinated in the past at random times, I've never seen him have any issues with trusting me or his friends (aside from accepting that he hasn't done anything wrong). He has never questioned whether I was telling the truth, he's always trusted me, he's always been extremely honest with me. He's never been extremely possessive. Needy, yes, possessive, no. But I also know that not all symptoms in schizophrenia are the same in each person it affects. My parent has been worried about me, meanwhile, suggesting that I might not be able to deal with it like I've been doing in the future. And again, here I am arguing with myself because part of me says maybe they're right, but another part of me is reminding me that relationships aren't every perfect, that I have my own issues as well, and that we may be able to get through this. Is it just wishful thinking though? Honestly, I love him more than anything in the world and I really can't imagine life without him there. I always felt like I was alone and different in the world, even to my own friends, until he came along, and suddenly it was like I'd found a member of my own species that I'd thought I would never find. I don't want to lose him.
My heart is shattered.... What do I do... I am a horrible person. He loves me and I'm a lesbian. I used to be out of the closet as a lesbian and was for a while. I have struggled with my sexuality since I was 13 and have known I liked girls since I was 13. Then i met him. He was fun, sweet, understanding, kind. But I think I see him more as a best friend. I am such a bad person. He keeps calling me hun on facebook and saying he loves me... and I cry. Idk what to do. How do I tell him I'm a lesbian? Help? Idk what to do?
I used to be in a special ed class (For high schoolers with emotional issues like bipolar for instance) now we are both on independant study-but are planning to go back next year-and haven't seen each other since really early October. He is a year younger than me but honestly he's smarter than me so I don't notice haha. Well I thought I was gay/lesbian until Saturday. But we went to see the Great Gatsby Saturday He's just so... what I've been looking for. Anyways he said he wished he could find a girl as fun as me that was straight. That made me think "Does he like me?" And my mom has been saying "You know I think he has a little bit of a crush on you." So I used that as excuse to say "My mom says you like me. Be 100 percent honest with me. Is it true?" And he being the smart guy he is (Which I like about him) made it sound complicated and I couldn't tell if it was yes or no. So I asked "What does that mean lol" and he said "I mean if you wanted to date me I'd say yes." and then we talk in a "what if" way until i said "I want to date you." and well now we're dating!!! My last "relationship" I was 13 and we weren't really "dating" or anything so... Yea I think I'm bisexual and I am just so happy!!! We updated our facebook relationship status' and everything!!! I'm so excited!!! He's so sweet and kind and smart and understanding and funny. Whoo!!! I didn't want to put this in the relationship section because it says its for issues... this isn't an issue LOL