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Found 137 results

  1. This seems most indicative of BPD, but pdocs tell me I don't meet major criteria for it. I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias) I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships. Pdocs have thrown every med at me for 2 decades. Nothing is really making a lot of improvement. I have no adequate diagnosis, because I don't (completely) meet the formal criteria for any one disorder, but traits from many. I've been previous diagnosed with: Major Depression with dysthymia (with/without psychotic features) BP2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADD) I surely can't have all these disorders?! Rapid-cycling emotions (erratic moods can shift every 1-3 hours, not usually just up & down) Chronic (moderate) depression, frequent dysphoria, some anxious distress Hypersensitivity to many things (including rejection) Chronic Emptiness Anhedonia (lack of motivation, pleasure in anything, not even sex) Perfectionism (includes obsessiveness) Paranoia (but not delusional, with insight) Hypersomnia, chronic fatigue Distractible Poor memory Very low stress tolerance (has triggered dissociation)
  2. I suffer horrific periods. They cause me a lot of pain. The biggest difficulty however is my mood before and during. I become profoundly depressed. I mean don't-get-out-of-bed-for-a-week depressed. Suicidal depressed. I cannot stand it. My entire life shuts down once a month. Combined with my rapid mood cycling with borderline, it's a hell storm. I have tried every brand of birth control available to me. Every single one has made me go off the rails. My doctor has written me a prescription for the IUD Mirena, claiming that because it releases different types of hormones, it shouldn't mess with my head. She has left the decision in my hands with very little information. The internet isn't that reliable for proper information, but what I have found has not sounded promising. Has anyone else, who is specifically borderline tried any IUD before? Did it make you nuts? Did it make you fat? Is there even such thing as birth control that doesn't ruin your life?
  3. Had a tiny fight with my psychiatrist, he seems to be dobuting my diagnosis. In the hospital they tried to say i was bpd with bipolar, but my psychologist says i cant be bpd and even my psychiatrist used to think im not. I dont have any bpd traits other than emotional inestability. Anyways im mad bc people dobut my psychotic symptoms he thinks is just something from my imagination or something "typical" from me. Im mad bc the new medication is not working and now i have panic attacks i didnt had before. The hospital kinda helped kinda made things worse. I feel like my doctor has left me behind, he doesnt care anymore, if he had answered or seen me 15days before when i asked, before i had my big crisis i wouldnt had ended in hospital. Im scheduling an appointment with a new doctor. But i feel so lost, so sad, like no one can help me, not even doctors. Its not fair. This illness is destroying my life. Has anyone ever had this kind of problems with doctors? Have you had a moment where medication made things worse?
  4. Hey there! Long time no post and I wanted to pop in and get chatting about something that's recently cropped up for me and got me thinking about things. So I'll cut to the chase. I've recently been enrolled in some group therapy after a few years of no meds/therapy/contact with mental health services. After the group I had a chat with the therapist running it and explained about the intense mood changes I'd been having etc. Anyway, she put me in touch with someone who gave me a phone assessment and the questions asked seemed to be the checklist for Borderline. She then said, "ah yes it sounds like Emotional Intensity". This is something I've never heard before in this context. I've heard of emotions being intense or emotional intensity as a symptom but she seemed to use it as a diagnostic term. I did some googling and discovered that Boderline is starting to be "rebranded" as EmOtional Intensity (here's one of the articles I found http://www.awp.nhs.uk/news-publications/trust-news/2016/march/raising-awareness-of-emotional-intensity-disorder/ ) I wondered, have you ever heard of this Emotional Intensity term being used and what are your thoughts on it? -TOLBY
  5. My fiance has been losing weight recently. He's down 20 lbs and is like 228 lbs now. I've gained weight, but it was also that time of the month. I kinda go after chubby dudes as is, and always worry if they weigh less than me I become unnattractive. His affection towards me hasn't really gone down, it's stayed the same really. I tell him my concerns of me gaining while he's losing, and he says he'll love me no matter what. And that he also doesn't want me skinnier, he just wants me to be happy. But, at the same time he thinks my best friend is too big, [she's considered a SSBBW i'm a BBW if anyone knows what those mean...] but he said the difference too is that if I got as big as her he loves me, not her. I just worry his eyes may start to wander to other girls who aren't as big, although he does prefer curvier women, and I do actually have curves, i'm just a bit chunky. I've got a big bust, wide hips, and a big lower half, plus an hourglass figure, but a bit of a tummy.... And lately I've been more anxious as well about losing him to the point of nightmares, although it seems that they're symbolizing to not worry and to trust him [I die in them, and regret leaving things "left unsaid" with him basically.] Also a gentle reminder, this is my first longest relationship [been almost 2 years now coming this fall, been engaged for a full year now, too as of june.], first engagement, and hopeful marriage in the next few years. He's been married twice. I'm hoping to get us in for a premarital counseling appt cause we've not been in awhile this coming week, also. I feel like I've just put him on this pedastal of perfect cause let's face it he IS WAY better than anyone else I've been with putting up with my anxiety attacks, insecurities, etc etc etc, and it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and I hate that I'm like that. And he tells me to stop thinking he's perfect too, cause he ain't but he is to me...
  6. Hello everyone! Where to begin... I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now). Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding. I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
  7. As is common in BPD, I have a major fear of abandonment. It used to be worse than it is. When I was left alone, I used to scream and cry and cut myself and generally be horrifically miserable. Now, I don't do any of that, but I'm still afraid she's just not going to come back. I want to text her, but I don't want to be so needy. How do you reassure yourself? I've been married for 18 years, I know my wife isn't leaving me, but I can't stop being afraid and wanting to be reassured.
  8. I recently started a partial hospitalization program, and I see a new psychiatrist while I'm in the program. This pdoc diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, and says I don't have schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type. I can believe the BPD as I read the symptoms and I relate to them a lot, explains a lot, but I'm having a hard time believing I don't have schizoaffective disorder as I've had this diagnosis for 8 years and have had three regular pdocs say I had this disorder. I know you can't diagnose me and I'm not asking you to, but for those of you who have BPD or traits of BPD have you experienced anything similar? Being misdiagnosed for a long time before your BPD diagnosis. Or can I have both disorders?
  9. It's been a little over two weeks since I broke up with him. Right now I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions, from happy to depressed to angry. Everyone I know is happy I split up with him, they don't understand how hard it's been for me. With the holidays everyone has been busy and I barely have anyone I can talk to about it. It just all around sucks. I met him in May, when he moved into my building (lesson #1: don't date anyone in your apartment building). His reputation in town preceded him and I went out of my way to avoid him. I knew his sister and mother, whom are both schizophrenic, on meds and doing okay. I'd heard he had it too but that he refused treatment for it. So I knew that going in. By the end of June, we were hanging out a lot. When you think of paranoid schizophrenia, he truly could be the poster child for it. I honestly had never seen untreated schizophrenia so it was completely new for me. He was full of delusions, paranoia and sometimes auditory hallucinations. But it wasn't that horrible and he turned out to be really nice, extremely funny and smart and a total cuddle bug. We had so much fun together. I think in July, it became a relationship. It was mostly good. We rarely argued and when we did it was over stupid stuff and only lasted a few minutes. We were sleeping at each other's apartments, eating meals together, drinking together a lot (he's an alcoholic, I'm a binge drinker, I know, not good), taking day trips around the area, etc. It was just a lot of fun. Over September, October and November, I could tell his schizophrenia was getting worse. I mean, he has sets of good and bad days, but it just seemed he was starting to experience more of the bad than he was when we were first together. He's convinced people (especially cops) are hiding out in the ceiling tiles, people are breaking into his place, people are in the hall when there is nobody there, that the police are plotting to put him in prison, the government is after him, that all the tenants have keys to his apartment and come in when he's gone, etc. When ever he gets zits on his back, he's convinced they are RF resistors that the gov't has implanted in him. That he has to get them out. He'd spend sometimes hours in front of the mirror, with a steak knife, digging into his back until he had basically bloody craters. The amount of scarring on his back, shoulders and upper arms shows how long that has been going on. He won't even take a tylenol for a headache, because he thinks the govt puts trackers in them, etc. He also believes that mental illness doesn't exist. At all. And that there is nothing wrong with him. That everyone else is wrong and only he is right. There is nothing you can say to even crack any of what he believes. It just is. He's had a lot of run ins with the police in places he's lived. The part that worries me the most though, is that he's also armed. He keeps a loaded hand gun in his apartment. The cops are aware he has it but they can't do anything about it. So anyways, by December it was getting to be too much. He was getting distant, arrogant, angry, staying up sometimes for days at a time and our sex life was gone. Then, I realized I'd become part of the delusions. He started blaming me for being in his apartment when he wasn't there (I don't have a key, I never did have one), putting up cameras to spy on him. After accusing me multiple times, I finally had to walk away. I have so much of my own stuff to deal with anyhow. I realized how much more stress I was absorbing from him. I'd been walking on eggshells, not sure which version of him I was going to get on any given day. Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because of my BPD and how it used to really wreck my life (before CBT, DBT, meds, etc.), I spend over a decade alone, because I didn't want to mess anyone else up with my stuff. That was until I met him in May. So it was a really big deal for me to open up enough to let someone in. And he really helped me so much and I got really close to him. Then it was just... gone. It hit me really hard a few days after I broke up with him and I OD'd and ended up in the hospital for almost a week. I've been home now for four days. I'm still trying to get my head straightened out after all this. I don't hate him, I know he's ill. I'm just really hurt and trying to sort through it all. Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent.
  10. Sorry if this has been posted before, tried searching and couldn't find anything. ^^; So BPD has been bought up a few times over the years in conversations with GPs, but I've always run away from the diagnosis and strongly denied it (I guess due to a lot of misunderstanding as to what a BPD diagnosis would actually mean, I guess). Recently I was trying to explain what goes on in my head to a housemate, and he bought up that "it sounds a lot like borderline". Turns out he was diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago, so we had a good talk about it, and I must admit, it makes a lot of sense. The thing is, I'm not sure how to bring this concern up with my psychologist. Do I just tell her I think I might have BPD? Any advice from people with similar experiences would be great ^^;
  11. hello, new here. i found the board by googling two of my meds interactions. went to my psych today and got a new med... read about two of my meds interaction and lowkey i'm terrified lol. list of all drugs/substances i take once a day, all in the morning: 300mg bupropion qd 400mg lamictal qd 10mg generic zyrtec "women's" multivitamin 5000mg biotin birth control pill as needed: 30mg zenzedi OR adderall. i only take half at a time, and not every day, though i do most days 5mg ambien (take ~5x a week) my depression has been terrible for the last year -- tbh since the election. dropped out of Uni fall semester last year and haven't been since. i have been lazy, 100000% unmotivated, reclusive, gained 30lbs in less than 2 years etc etc. i don't want to leave the house to see my friends and family because i am embarrassed about my weight gain (also because of the reclusiveness i mentioned). after talking with my psych, she suggested adding 5mg Trintellix (Brintellix?). she mentioned that the most common side effects were nausea, diarrhea etc etc. she said that if it seemed to be helping i could lower my wellbutrin dose and perhaps stop taking it entirely (trintellix being its replacement). after leaving her office i did what any other millennial would do and googled the medication. there is a LOT of information about the possibility of serotonin syndrome being a side effect - i read somewhere 15%???? that seems low but like google it - it sounds terrifying. combining wellbutrin + trintellix has a "MAJOR" interaction per drugs.com, which states that the risks outweigh the benefits when combined. i immediately left my psych a message telling her basically what i said but less crazy (pfff lol) sounding. she called back and said that she's never seen that, it's very rare, she's met only one prescriber who reported it in a patient, and it's usually at higher doses. i feel a little better but still a bit nervous. not really sure what i'm expecting to get from this post but i'm so annoyed with taking a millions meds and i keep seeing deaths reported by combined meds, often including (not limited to) adderall and ambien. like i'm in my early 30s, i don't want to die in my sleep.... anyway, hi!
  12. To start this off, I'd like to say that this is my first post, although I have been reading this forum for years. Also, I have never been diagnosed with BPD, although I strongly believe I have it. No counselor has ever confirmed a diagnosis, but then again I've never stuck with the same therapists for more than a handful of sessions. (Are there really decent counselors out there?) So, I guess my question goes out to those who do have BPD or have similar tendencies. I have always struggled with fearing people are lying to me, although sometimes it seems more all-encompassing than other times. I do have a host of really great friends, and although I have sometimes doubted that they care about me, I have finally come to the conclusion that after all the years, they really do, even though my mind sometimes tries to convince me otherwise. However, I never really paid attention to whether or not there was a trend. But, after a bad friend-break-up and more life experiences, I've been more in tune to the way I think about and react to others. And, I've noticed that in the past few weeks I've been feeling more and more like others are intentionally excluding me and/or lying to me whether in my family, my work, or my friend group. So, I'm wondering, does anyone else feel this way? That they'll be fine for a bit and able to think clearly, but then go through periods where you feel everyone is trying to exclude you? The logical side of me thinks that this likely isn't true, but I can't reason with myself that it isn't true, and I think perhaps they really don't like me. I may be more on edge too because I moved to a new city about a month ago and I'm just now starting to settle in, so maybe now is the point where I sabotage things because I think everyone hates me and then they end up hating me? I wish people weren't so confusing and were more straightforward.
  13. Been awhile since I been here, a lot has happened in the last few months. I got engaged, my fiance was in jail for 2.5 mo, and it sucked. Now, he's back. We fought the first three days or so, cause we hadn't been around one another. Fighting's died down, but my jealousy issues are back and fucking kicking. Lovely, I know. Even with his checking out other woman or liking porn at times. I get a fear when we get married he'll find someone prettier and better, and leave me. Do I think he'll ever cheat? No. Leave? Maybe. He says he loves me will never leave, unless I do something insane i.e. stab him, shoot him, cause bodily harm, etc . He also referred to my jealousy as me being crazy. I've not been stable taking my meds, again. For awhile now.....or gone to counseling in awhile. Him being in jail kinda threw us off entirely. We've got our first pre-marital counseling session with my therapist (who's actually an LMC) next week. We used to go to sessions together, too. But I want our marriage to work, and he seems like he does, or says so. We currently aren't living together, either. He lives a couple blocks from me. A friend of his who's never liked me, doesn't like me being over. Won't say why. My dad doesn't like him being here, I moved back home. I just hope my jealousy issues go down, that I believe he cares. My dad doesnt like us being together, claims my fiance has no ambition. He has been out of jail maybe two weeks now, and just got his job back. Starts Sunday, my dad worries he won't be able to take care of me.....
  14. I'm on a bunch of stuff, I probably should have put this in the cocktail forum, but it seemed most appropriate here. I'm on Remeron 60MG/day for depression, which I started in last December (and was on from May to August 2015 with great efficancy) and 15MG combined of ER/IR Dexedrine for ADHD (completely changed my life, I was so fatigued/exhausted/uninterested in everything before). Recently, with the fact that my father is diagnosed with BPD and I have exhibited some symptoms of cycling, my psych/doctor and I decided that with the changing season (as I usually have a bad reaction in cycles that seem to correspond with the seasons, 90 day cycles, etc) that we should try Lamictal. We figured, worst case, it would help stabilize me going into the Winter and keep the more powerful depressive effects off of me (ideation, etc). I was kind of destructive last fall but in a different way than I am now... onto the thing: I just titrated up to 100MG of Lamictal last night. I was on 25MG for 2 weeks, then 50MG for 2 weeks, that kind of standard stuff. I was surprised we skipped 75MG but whatever. My doc asked me how I was when I went for my check up week 1 into 50MG and I said "punctual." For the first time in my life, I'm not late to anything. That was the most noticeable effect. When I was doing some part time work earlier this year, I had to wake up an hour earlier to make it to work on time, because it was just... monumental effort... to be on time. Now, it's nothing at all. Strange, strange things. Again, onto the thing I've been struggling with. While the punctuality is nice, I'm having another strange effect that I haven't been able to put my finger on. I almost want to say it is a sense of 'calm' or 'serene' but in a corrupted sense: I almost feel so calm I'm uncomfortable. I've been drinking recently to almost numb this 'numbing' sensation and feel something. But maybe It'll go away and I'll become more 'okay' with it. I've certainly felt more patient and less impulsive and reckless in the last couple weeks (aside from a few instances, which I guess I can attribute to Lamictal's' notorious rocky titration period.) I can't stand it though. It feels so uncomfortable and odd to feel this sense of NOT-anxiety and NOT-mania in my chest. Like, it overrides everything. I was talking with my step father about it when I went to visit my family last weekend, who is a recovered alcoholic, that I felt more calm and I think I was finally "nailing" what the sensation was, and he commented that I wasn't trying to match his somewhat manic energy. Usually I'd be raising my voice or pacing after him to try and maintain my train fo thought, but he said I was just being 'calm'. No jitters or leg shaking (although I've gotten that under control thanks to other things). I guess, my thread is really to ask, has anyone else felt this sensation? Do they have a word or name for it? Am I reacting poorly to the medication? Usually, like when I took risperdone, it was obvious IMMEDIATELY that I wasn't reacting well (ideation for the first time in my life, extremely pitted and depressive thoughts, the worst I've ever felt) or the effects are somewhat... pinnable. (Zoloft made it hard to orgasm. WB gave me drunk-vertigo, Adderall gave me heightened heart rate awareness (forget the word right now), Ritalin gave me rage and awful rebound memory loss (I forgot my PIN once and had to call my bank because the ATM locked me out)). Sorry for the long, long thread. I just had to put the thoughts somewhere, I think. I hope I hear back. Thanks.
  15. Hello. After trying zoloft, prozac, abilify, and latuda, I was prescribed seroquel for bpd/depression. I am nearly 3 weeks (19 days to be exact) into and I'm not liking it at all. I have no energy or motivation, really hard to wake up, feel like im almost in a dream, and also experiencing constipation/stomach bloating (triggering body image problems). I am wondering how long I should stay with it to see if the side effects go away. I was thinking 1 month, as my next psych appointment will be right around the 30 day mark. However, I kind of want to stop taking it now, but i dont want to quit too early and possibly miss out on a well working med. The psychs i've seen always say how ap's start working so much faster than ad's so I dont know. Thanks!
  16. Hi ! I've been diagnosed with BPD, but I have symptoms that are not those of someone with BPD and it's freaking me out. I was 13 when I first heard voices telling me to self harm and kill myself. They disappeared for about 3 years, and now they're back, telling me the same things as before, plus telling me everybody lies to me and wants to leave me. I also experienced homicidal ideation, it stopped and it's coming back, but stronger than before. Like I have plans in my head and if I stay close to people I panic and get tense because I fear I might act on these thoughts. I have to mention I have those thoughts only with people I love and care about (partner, best friends.) I just don't know what to think about it. I told my therapist about these two things. Tell me if you have BPD and those 2 symptoms too.
  17. Hi folks ! First of all, I'm French and learning English, so tell me if I made mistakes That said, here's my presentation. My name's Dylan, I'm 16 (17 in August) and I live in France (thanks Captain Obvious). I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I have panic attacks, from time to time I hear voices and I think I have PTSD (I've been raped but I don't wanna explain everything in a presentation.) I'm addicted to selfharm and cigarettes, and sometimes I smoke weed (ends most of the time with a depersonalisation + derealisation.) I'm also a BIG fan of Mr. Robot, BBC Sherlock, Hannibal, Orange is the New Black, House M.D. and many other fandoms One of my favorite song at the moment is "Maman" by Louane https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC_ffV--tcE Feel free to chat if you want to, I don't bite (but the voices in my head do) See ya
  18. I have been doing extremely well in the psychosis department, but what bothers me is this... I am currently on two depots (both are every 4 weeks, but two weeks apart--strange, I know) I feel like I couldn't have possibly ever been ill, especially because people have had it worse than I. I feel like I never had a problem. Like it all was a lie or something. Which brings me back to my feelings that I've only woken up yesterday, for the first time in my life, and nothing in my life was ever real. Perhaps it is derealization but I am not sure. My meds are well in order from what I can see, since I am functioning for the most part, except perhaps in areas of hygiene.
  19. I've not really been on in awhile. So, some things have changed though. I finally stopped accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me. Literally, one day I just told myself I was going to stop. And I did. When I would begin to worry, I would ask myself if he was actually at work late (and if I didn't believe myself, I'd call. If he didn't answer his cell, he was at work. If I needed more assurance. I called his work, which they don't really care if I just ask if he's about to leave.) He's even given me his time cards (they bring them home everyday.) And he made a good point, he goes to work, and comes straight home, everyday. When one of us leaves, we say where we're going. (if we're fighting I sometimes leave without a word.) But, in a recent counseling appt. my counselor even pointed out that my old insecurities are filling with new ones. The "not being good enough" one is harping on me like fucking crazy and it's annoying, really. Things have also felt weird because the other day, I almost was done for good. I called my dad to get me, we packed my stuff, and we left. But, I wasn't gonna get to see my boyfriend like normal. My dad told me, it was him or my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. Lately though, he's been nagging at me over stupid shit. Like, the air conditioner for example. He wants it on 70 and auto, and I want it on 68 and high. Well, the compromise was 68 and auto, even though it makes him cold sometimes still. We have a window unit in our motel room. I always say, "I don't wanna fight/argue." He doesn't realize when he's nagging/harping on me, sometimes. And the reason because of lack of nicotine needs to stop, IMO. He plans to stop smoking SOON, so yeah. There are times I'll say, "you're nicing (lack of nicotine), and need to calm down." and he normally apologizes and calms down. His insurance has finally kicked in. He's still agreed to get on medication, at least try. He doesn't want to, but he said he would for me. We plan to set him up with my PNP and he's already made an appt. with my counselor (to go alone of course and work on himself.) He likes my counselor, which is understandable, he wants someone he's comfortable with. I'm also not forcing him to see these people, it just happens a lot of them take his insurance. (including my dentist.) But, after me packing up and leaving, then coming back like 15 minutes later things have felt....weird? We went to a counseling appt. that night, we were going to Friday, this happened all this week too no less. With me still forgetting to take my meds, and taking myself off of lamictal ENTIRELY, I'm kind of wonky. I had a bad breakdown the day I tried to leave, when I came home. To the point of suicidal tendency because my dad disowned me....again. My anxiety has crept up into my head again, telling me I need to leave my boyfriend. In my heart and my head I know I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. Although, last night was sort of weird? I was laying next to him in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He pulled up his messenger app and quickly closed out of it when he realized I was watching him, I guess? I asked, "what was that about?" and he says, "I accidentally opened my messenger. Trying to look at my facebook feed." I just said oh. I asked him about it again, and he said the same thing just a little irritated. He then went into his contacts, and I was trying to go to sleep again. I opened my eyes, again. He was looking for someone. I asked who he was looking for, his initial response was "I don't know." so I asked again, and asked why he was in his contacts. He stated he was looking for the contact info of an admin who's on a website he uses, because he forgot his password and wanted to get on there on his phone. I just realized though, like ten minutes ago, he uses that website on this laptop. (we share his computer). His login is saved into the browser, I'm sure. He never remembers passwords to a lot of things, really. We both have our own accounts on the laptop, password protected. I'm just worried he's cheating on me online. When I brought that up, he's like, "who would do that? what's the point?" I said, "well some people end up meeting and stuff...." he just said, "that's still stupid. there's no point." I guess he didn't realize you can talk to someone online who does live in the same city? I don't know. I ask to see his phone, and he hands me it. He'll ask why sometimes, and if I straight up say to go through it, he hands it over. I knew his password to his old phone, the last four of his social. (Which I also know because of gov't. assistance and helping him apply for his insurance.) Granted, he doesn't like me snooping through his things. I don't think he even has a lock on the new phone? We just got new phones Thursday. If I ask who he's talking to, on the phone, or text, or Facebook he usually tells me. If I ask how he knows them, if they have a past, etc. he tells me. My insecurities have crept in telling me I'm not good enough. I compare myself to other girls he thinks are cute. I compare myself to the fact he prefers Latina and Japanse/Asian/Chinese women over white women. (I'm a white female.) I compare myself to the women he watches in porn. I always compare myself. It's weird. I'm comfortable in my skin, with my size, etc. I think I'm about average in the face? My self esteem fluctuates though. Am I being totally unrealistic or do I have reason to worry? Might I also add, once my phone broke I seized the computer to get on my social network accounts. I'm on it more than him, really. When I think about it. If he's up later than me on his phone, I hear him playing games (or watching porn to get off so he can sleep, if I've said I'm not in the mood). Any time I compare myself, or bring myself down, he says, "hey that's the woman I love you're talking about." or that "you're beautiful, more beautiful than any porn star, or girl I think is cute...because I LOVE you. Not them." I hate the fact that he's pretty much everything I want in a man. His charm. His looks. his personality. All of it. I know though, too that MI relationships tend to take more work. I'm trying to give the nagging thing a chance until he starts therapy and medications. I mean, he did say I really don't wanna take meds but I will for you, if you want us to try it. I appreciate that, a lot. I just feel like an insecure ugly potato.
  20. hello. i also need help with,, bipolar like symptoms i have mood swings at the tiniest things. i'm so happy! i feel so great, im talking alot and being happy but then all of a sudden i cant do something i want to do and i drop super bad and then even five minutes after id be happy again i have bad relationships with people and i. feel like people hate me if they dont laugh loud enough at a joke i tell. i have paranoia that everyone talks about me and how bad i am and that they're all lying. i have bad relationships were i usually obsess over a certain person, and i never really hang out with anyone else but them. if they dont comfort me, then they hate me. id hate them but then after the arguments over they're my favourite person in the world im sorry if i sound incoherent im not great at the moment my ex described me once as "being one way one moment then something else the next" or somethn and whenever i get really happy about stuff i like my brother tells me im being hyper n stuff and it usually brings my mood down because i dont want to be annoying, anyway sorry. any advice would be helpful. i'm 15 and im diagnosed with depression & GAD. ive been trying to get a proper re-diagnosis because i havent been going to school because i just. feel like i cant have healthy relationships with anyone and its just scary. thank you for any help you give me,
  21. i've been gone for a good minute, over the holidays i moved, after my eviction, i met a wonderful man, who i'm already having my worries about. he's 22 years older, 42, i'm 20. was born in the 70s, lived mostly through the 80s to well of course now, and i'm already having my doubts....like normal. fuck anxiety. really. always worrying about if he's being faithful, if he'll leave, if he loves me, or i love him, what's going to happen for/with us? the main two questions REFUSING TO STOP MAKING GOD DAMN CAMP IN MY HEAD "do i really love him?" "is he being faithful?" the main two questions, THAT ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAAAAAAAAAAYS creep into my head no matter who i'm with. he has a huge thing about privacy. and of course, me being my worry wart, paranoid self always thinks - and says, "if you're not hiding anything....why would it matter if i looked at your phone/laptop/phone records/family tree/criminal history...." the laast bit of that was just me being dramatic but you get the picture. i mentioned how old he was earlier, because he says he's used to being from a generation where privacy was expected? i guess is how to word it? he believes the government is also always watching. he said that the generation he was from, they never worried about that sort of thing. when we first got together, i was bad about going through his things.... *shocking* the last time i went through his phone, he said he was putting a lock on it. because i went behind his back, and into his things, three times... i've gone through his computer when he's had it unlocked as well. i've never found ANYTHING remotely suspicious. i mean yeah, porn is there, but he's a guy, and i enjoy porn too, hell we do as a couple. why do i still worry? he's a sex addict. i am too. i always worry he's going to fall into temptation and cheat. he's been married twice, cheated on, lied to, had all his money gambled away, etc. he's been with women who could really give two shits less about if he was happy or not. and one even beat the shit out of him. he did leave her. but the other two? was still faithful. to the end. they kept pushing him to leave. and it took him awhile to, or to realize. whichever. his friends even vouch for him saying he isn't like that. he always goes to work and straight home. doesn't have a car, and is not making enough money to get a cab to go see anyone really. so why do i worry? why? i think if he were to do anything it would be online. i bring this up and he says, "what would the point be? i couldn't see them. ever." i might add the other day, when i was on the way to my therapy session, and he was on his way to work - he's a cab driver, they always pick him up. i saw the woman driving bent over his lap. he said she was new, and showing him her car charger because they got new tablets (which is where the fare information, credit card transactions, gps, etc is all kept of course.) and that the charger she got was the wrong voltage. which when i saw him the day before at work, he explained to me. because i mentioned just getting a cheap dollar store one. i even saw the packaging from the one had had to get, which was like a 3.1V. but the way it looked, wasn't good. i even called up to his work to see what was up. the girl who was dispatching i've met. she's nice. she even said that the lady was new, and pretty hideous, and that she was my boyfriend's relief driver, and she was having problems with her charger. so i let it go. finally. anxiety is a harsh mistress...... in the fact that i have self harmed TWICE while we've been together. of course partially for attention to see if "he really loved me." i've been on new meds for a little over a month. we've been together...almost three months. yes, still fairly new, and already driving him nuts. might i add that he's bipolar? and well all know BPD, and.....BPD....clash a lot. while i took the med route, he took the natural mediation route. to each their own, of course. i know i'm everywhere right now, and i'm really sorry. it just goes back to an article i recently read. wondering about everything, anything, worrying...really. especially about him. are there people here who are the same as him? that really value their privacy? are you hiding something? what's going on there? does anyone else get this paranoid? i'm sure someone does. i can't be alone here. lawd.
  22. Hi, I was questioning if I might have Complex PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll start out about my life. I was born sensitive and raised by helicopter parents (In which I am now 22 years old). I had a good, disoriented early childhood, but everytime that I did something wrong, I would get spank, yell, threatened or shouted. My father has ADHD, and dropped out in Grade 7 and My mother has MS, GAD, and Depression, dropped out in Grade 11, (but got her GED 25 years later). My father was nice, and took me out for a drive, but when I did something wrong, I would get yelled, then get a smack bottom, but sometimes I would get a head smack by my father. But his anger was so bad that I ended up detach from my father then I always went with my mother, because she is calm, and nice. Luckily my father went to work everyday while my mother takes care of me and my sister. When I was 2, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (in nowadays, I believed that I was misdiagnosed). At that time, my parents didn't know about it. But now they know it. Sometimes I get spanked by my mother when I did something wrong. However, when I was in daycare, everytime I did something wrong, they would put me into time out and raise their voice, in which I was feeling scared that I am going to be spanked like my parents did, but they didn't, even throughout the years in daycare. But time outs was traumatizing. But one time, when I was 5, they took us to the soccer field, but one time, I must of been acting out inappropriately, and got put into time out into the bench with a daycare worker, holding my hand, and for few minutes, she slightly pinched my hand, close to my thumb. But the daycare workers are nice, but due to being a highly sensitive person, when I was put into time out for being naughty, Sometimes I was feeling hyper vigilant that I am scared that they would spank me. I remembered that when I was 4, they took the children to the Shopping Mall, and one kid from daycare bought a piece of paper towel, then I was like, I might do the same thing, then when they went to another store, I was in the shopping cart and as they go idle to idle, I quickly snatched a bag of smarties, then they laugh, when they got out of the store, they took the bag of smarties away in which It traumatized me (in which I developed kleptophobia and worsen anxiety later in life.). When I was being babysat by a teenager, sometimes I would be put into timeouts if i did something wrong, in which I had a same feeling as I was in daycare that I am scared that I would be spanked. But he is a nice person by the way. In which I remembered after acting out in store, they took me back to his house and put me into time out right afterwards, then they let me go then two hours later, I was put into time out again. When I was 6, I started Kindergarten, my biggest fear is getting disciplined by teachers and headmaster because I don't want to hear their raised voice in which it would result another psychological injury. But by the age of 7, I was sent to the headmaster's office few times. One time, that I remembered is that I refused to go outside in which I got forced to go outside, then after the bell rang, I was sent to his office and I was crying as he was raising his voice, I refused to look at his eye, resulting an avoidance of looking at him. When I was 7, I witnessed my brother was having an accident in his undergarment, in which I witnessed that my mother told him that if he doesn't use the toilet, he would be put back in nappies, in which she showed the nappy to him and It traumatized me, in which at the same day, my emotions and my brain couldn't take it anymore. The next day, I was watching a VHS tape, showing a woman discipling at them, in which I developed intrusive memories while daydreaming, that I'm scared that the woman on TV would put a nappy on me, even people in real life discipling at me, I had intrusive thoughts. *You may seem like a typical childhood, but in my own perception, I was hurt. Over the next few months, I developed OCD-Like symptoms, but while having rituals, I was having distressing images in my head that is related to the trauma. After few years that intrusive thoughts about being put in nappies for misbehaving had disappeared. Even I had an intrusive thoughts on having a wrong character on a wrong TV Show and scared that the main character would get mad at me. It haunted me in which It disappeared by the age of 14. Throughout my late childhood years, My father continued to use corporal punishments, but he finally stopped at the age of 13, At the time, I was making a cuckoo noise at my brother and my father got snapped in which he smacked me in the head and yelled at me, resulting myself crying. but still threatened me with spanking. I used to cry almost everyday in elementary school. Few times, my mother would tell me if I kept crying in school, she would treat me like a baby and put in nappies in which it resulted me having a mild flashback. My mentally ill cousin used to wrestle me when I was 4, in which he covered me to suffocate for few seconds, in which it happened almost few times, but it was so bad that when I was 9, he got involved with the police telling him to stop. Then he switched from wrestling to time outs for no reasons, from the age of 9 to 13, he would put me into time outs for few minutes, sometimes he would keep going and would torture me emotionally and psychologically. When I was 12, I was going to get my telescope that it was close to the staircase, and as I attempted to grab it, it fell downstairs and off from the empty railings and fell into his son in which I was an accident and was put into time out. When I was 13, every time my mother is gone, I would do something that I did not do, and he would put me into time out for no reasons, in which I was sent to the room, and the door has a lock, and I was scared that he would lock me and leave me to starve. One time, he took out a case and took out a razor blade, telling me that he would cut my tongue out, etc (due to dissociation that I could not remember the rest of my traumatic memory). He called me a pussy once, he tortured me by making a noise (in which I had Misophonia) that sets me off into a rage (in which by grade 6, one student spread gossips that I don't like certain noise and they all picked at me, I told my vice principal and got after them twice, but throughout the years, they were picking at me, (not just noise, other things that upsets me) I ended up defending against them with attempted violence and cussing and I got into trouble and told me that I was lying (due to lack of knowledge of Misophonia)), and he made me to do push-ups and told me that my mother is gone forever. Thankfully, my mother had enough and hauled me, my brother and my sister out of his place and went to my grandparent's house, I continue having intrusive thoughts and distressing memories of the trauma for 2 years including flashbacks, I had nightmares few times. My cousin began to take drugs, got drunk and destroyed few walls at my Grandmother's house where I was psychologically and emotionally abused, in which he got kicked out by my mother and went with his girlfriend, broke up few times, then when I was 18, I told him to get out (due to trauma), and by 19, he came to my house By Grade 10, i was sent to the learning center (special education) in which I don't belong to that my IPP English Teacher found out that I was at the Learning Center (usually at lunch), but in the first day, I was on the computer with the Assistance standing back against me, in which it was hard on me, then I left the place and went to the desk crying, then the Assistance sat down next to me and touched me with her finger onto my sides of my abdomen, in which I believed that she was treating me like a baby. I went to their outings and it went well until one day, they took us to eat, and I thought I was going to have a big meal until I found out that they are ordering from the Children's Menu (due to the result of the childhood trauma, I grew up too fast and stopped playing toys at 11.) I attempted to refused to eat the children's menu, and after that incident, I chose not to go with them ever again. One of the fellow with moderate autism was making a noise that triggered my Misophonia, i told him to stop, and the Assistant told me that he's allowed to do it. Few weeks later, my IPP English teacher told me that I don't belong to that Learning Center. Then I finally rebelled against the Assistances at the Learning Center, by telling that I am going out to the Cafeteria, because I was left out from my old friends, and they said, "NO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT TO THE CAFETERIA!" and I was crying so bad and told them "I DON'T BELONG IN THERE!" after a hour of rebelling, they told my IPP English teacher and she told them that I do not belong to that Learning Center in which I won the fight and told me that I will be out in one week. One week later, I was finally set free! (a happy ending for that part) But however I was doing my dance project, and my assistance took me into the Learning Center to do it rather than their classroom in which I rebelled for once again. But by Grade 11 (17-18 years old), they finally shut up. But I began to rebel against my mother due to my undiagnosed CPTSD (in which the intrusive thoughts and distressing images has morphed into a full-blown PTSD Symptoms), and every word that she said has traumatized me and made my condition worse. They even threatened me to turn around and go home instead of my friend's house, she mistreated me once by treating me like a 5 year old child. And also threatened me to take my stuff back. In which it resulted me of having violent flashbacks from it. I began to fantasize revenge via violence against the perpetrator while having a flashback including causing me to scream my lungs out of anger in which the flashbacks went away). My parents was separated for few months. I was happy about it, but however when they are arguing, it increases my hyper vigilance that I am scared that my father would go upstairs and break my stuff, due to his violent anger issues resulting from dropping out from Secondary School and his ADHD. But thank goodness that I did not have a flashbacks but intrusive thoughts. But one week before christmas, my father went in her house with his baseball bat, went upstairs and start breaking the railings in which I thought that he was killing my mother and I thought that he said, DIE! DIE! DIE! but it didn't and I left the house for my safety and I was shaking. I went back in the house and went upstairs to my bedroom and crouched myself in a fetal position, fearing for my own safety, but a hour later, my father was calm and watched TV with my mother. (In which it resulted in having violent flashbacks and revenge fantasies) Few months later, my mother told me to stay with my father every weekend and I rebelled against her because of the past of what he has done to me. But I did spent a weekend but I did not talk to him of that much by staying in the basement for the rest of the weekend. But one day, my father told me that I am going to spend few nights resulting in a full-range rebellion. He took me to the barbershop as I was letting my hair grow long. And shaved it off in which I told my father that I am going to reshaving it off because I don't want to be like him. I rebelled at him many times and I have a thoughts of running away from him because I don't want to be with him and for my own safety. I did researched at school about how to run away from them. But I did not run away due to anxiety. That incident by staying with my father has resulted of having flashbacks and revenge fantasies. After I finally went back to my mother, It took me 2 weeks before I finally re-shaved my head. (Happy Ending) I couldn't handle with her arguments (mostly in the car) and it made my symptoms worse. Few months prior to Graduation, I was having an anxiety attack while riding a bike, then when I got off from the bike at the park, I was feeling dizzy and about to pass out, I drank a bottle of water. I went to the park and sat down on the bench to stop the dizziness, then I told the strangers the story about what happened and told them that I was drinking (in which I forgot to say water), resulting them to think I am suspicious of being drunk, then I sat onto another bench and start singing next to the lady and she left the seat causing anxiety, then I told them about my favorite singer then I sat on the empty bench, then all of the sudden, the police came and told me to get up as they want to talk to me, even though I had no friends at that time, and I told them, "There's something wrong?" and they said, "You were drinking, picking up children and crazy talking" so I told the Police that I wasn't drinking alcohol but the water bottle and I did gave them evidence with my water bottle, then he smelt it and he was like, ok. Then I told them that I wasn't picking on children or even touch them and I told them that I wasn't doing crazy talking. Then I asked him a question, "Are you going to taser me or arrest me" and they said, no, then he asked me why am I in this park, then I told them that I have no friends, then they redirected me to a center to find friends in my age, but I refused to go there due to anxiety. Then I told them, Am I going to be on the Criminal Record? and they told me, "No, everything is cleared" then they left. I was upset and having anxiety attack, in which I went home and told my mother on the phone and she almost going to tell the police, about it, but I told her no, do not call them, because it would make it worse. (Due to fear of being traumatized even more). I spoke to my then-girlfriend on the phone about it. Then the next day, she told me that I am in the Criminal Record but her uncle is a police officer, so he saw it and called the main headquarters and told them about it and they cleared my Criminal Record because it was a false accusation. But I disbelieved her. It resulted in increase of hyper vigilance level, Intrusive thoughts and memory, worsening anxiety, locked myself in my bedroom for few weeks and refuse to leave the house for 2 months, due to fear of police officers that I am scared that they would tell me to go home, also developed Social Anxiety as a long-term consequences. Over a month and the half, they announced that they would check our pockets before going to safe grad party, in which I was anxious that they would reject me due to the incident, but it got eased right after the security check and went to the safe grad party. (But almost 4 years later, My counselor brought me in to speak with the police officer to overcome the fear, and he clarified that I am not on the Criminal Record and explained the process of how it works, in which my anxiety levels dropped, but only 15%). After Graduation, I returned as an undergrad, I had an assistance for a month, before the resource teacher told me that I do not need her anymore, and I celebrated. But the worst part is that I got picked on by other people and told the principal on them, but It was hard to described due to pieces of the memory of the traumatic event. After a month of suffering, They denied that I was picked on and my mother told me that I was lying due to lack of evidence. (resulted in worsening of trauma symptoms) Since growing up I cannot go outside of the neighborhood without a friend, and I began to rebel against her, and I managed to seek counseling and I told her every story that my mother was overprotective. Also I dragged her to her office twice then she tone it down. It took me a year before she finally set me free. Resulting in a huge Facebook party. (But before she set me free, it resulted in worsening trauma symptoms). I began to hide my negative stories to people because I feared that they would tell on her and she would go against me and telling me that I was lying but I was telling the truth. This happens a year before the denial of me being bullied, I told a stranger about what happened, even in the past, then she called her, and I got into trouble and threatened to ground me as I was lying but I was telling the truth in which I was unaware that she was gas lighting me. When arguing in the car, she often puts me down, calls me a spoiled brat, and she threatens me to put into a group home in which I ended up threatening her with suicide, but I don't attempt it, I used that when I am angry and just to leave me alone. I take Klonopin for my Anxiety and she told me that the meds are not working. (In which It resulting in having violent flashbacks, intrusive memories and thoughts and revenge fantasies in which it never went way, especially certain lyrics triggered my flashback.) And last year, I finally spit it out by telling her that I don't like her, due to her obnoxious behavior. In which it resulted into a huge hurtful arguments and worsened my symptoms. As of the result of her, I ended up packing my bags and stay with my sister who is very nice to me and quiet. I helped her a lot and I believed that it was a very happy family. I cut-off contact with my mother for 4 months except for few visitations. Every time that I came to her house, she begs me to come home, but I refused. I blocked her from my phone and I had a happy life, but I went to college at the same year, due to having undiagnosed CPTSD Symptoms, I ended up missing few days from school, being late for class, and almost had a poor performance due to suffering from trauma. Thankfully, my instructor referred me to see the counselor and I told her every stories that I had in my life. And I still see her as of now where she referred me to see the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis as I suspected that I am suffering from Complex PTSD, she invited to her cooking class and workshop sessions. Every time that I told her, she told me that I misunderstood from the past, and sometimes lying, but I was telling the truth, even in the car when she argues at me, she told me that I was misunderstanding in which I was so upset and I questioned that if I have Dissociation Symptoms or she was gas lighting me, so I chose to believe that she was gas lighting. After being set free from my mother, I was in fear, having hyper vigilance episode, and sometimes if I wear certain clothes including a Military trousers and combat boots in public, I became hyper vigilant and I was scared that the police will come, or entering to the building, I feared of what people might think of me based on my looks and behavior and scared that they would report to me (she told me that it's a sign of social anxiety even though I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder). After the stage fright 2 months ago, I took a bus home, I told the stranger that I was having a stage fright due to strained tenor notes (i do very well in practice), but the man told me to sing in my normal voice (in which I had a flashback of when I was trying to imitate other singer's voice, my mother forced me to sing in my own voice, and also forced to wear what she want me to wear before I gained my freedom in appearance and my own decision.) and I told him that I have a good knowledge of how singing works, but he has a lack of knowledge of how singing works (chest, mixed, and head voice) and I think he called me an a**hole, and I told him that I have PTSD and he told me to smoke pot, in which it resulted in a flashbacks, revenge fantasies and having intrusive thoughts and memories. I had a revenge fantasies during flashbacks that I could push him out from the bus and call him a r*tard. I still have the flashbacks as of now. Due to being bullied, I was growing my hair long, and they called me "Sissyface" and it was so bad that I shaved my head off and wore sunglasses. But the happy ending is that I disappeared from public and went to another town to spend the rest of the summer in which it turned out a good one, then I changed my appearance drastically, then no one including the bullies have noticed me at all in which, it was a happy ending. If I have traumatic bad days, I would go to my bedroom and have a nap for 2 hours, then I wake up and pretend that It is a new day. In which I begin to cry hysterically that I love that day better than the last one. After all of these years that I been through, I have thousands of Mental Scars in my brain. I still have flashbacks, hyper vigilance, distressing memories, intrusive thoughts and memories, violent revenge fantasies, severe anxiety, multiple phobias, excessive seeking help, impulsivity (shaving my head to the skin everyday, always on the go and excessive spending sprees), avoidance behavior if hyper vigilance is worsening, avoiding triggers, bits of pieces of memory of the traumatic event, maladaptive daydreaming, excessive crying (after a flashback is over), mild dissociation, mind wandering, fear that I am re-experiencing trauma, blank stare (when being traumatized) social isolation, growing up too fast, and thoughts of running away. I only get mild nightmares related to the trauma, once in a while, but mostly 95% of the time, I have good dreams, (i use it to escape from trauma). I tend to get traumatized more easily when something is bad. When I get yelled at, raising their voice, being criticized, and disciplined, It triggers flashbacks and undiagnosed Complex PTSD attacks causing re-traumatization and psychological shock that could lead to having a future flashback, distressing memories, revenge fantasies, intrusive thoughts and memories of the recent traumatic event, but when telling the counselor, I cannot remember some parts of the trauma. The only symptoms that I don't have is, Self-harming, Nightmares and difficulty sleeping (except If I was having a flashback, in which it lasts from 1 to 3 hours then crying for an extra 1 hour after a flashback) I wear sunglasses to hide myself from the public and to ease anxiety attacks in which without wearing it, I could become dizzy, even can lead to panic attacks and I could possibly faint (due to suffering from an anxiety disorder). Sometimes, I would write a brutal lyrics on Facebook based on my trauma. Would you tell me if i am suffering from an undiagnosed Borderline or Complex PTSD?
  23. I really hope this is a good area of the site to put this, sort of a rant, sort of not. But probably, more or less a rant. Living where I do, it's next to impossible to find a place to rent, a room that is. My boyfriend and I are so limited on funds we wanted to rent a room from someone, so we could start saving for a car and our own place of course. I'm tired of hitting a damn brick wall with everyone though, because it's two of us, and not one a lot of people wanna hike the rent up a couple hundred, not one, not two, but like three, four, maybe possibly more - if you're willing. They wanna charge us BOTH the asking amount, (that'll be 800 for two people. no?) We could get an apartment then, really. Or, today MY favorite, this came out of a lady's mouth, She asked why I'm on disability, because I disclose that I get SSI and what he does for work so people know we're stable (sort of, he gets commission, and only half, in a small shitty town, but my check is of course stable.) and I told her because I'm mentally ill. I DIDN'T disclose my BPD, just my GAD and depression disorder. She had the balls to tell me, "you sound pretty intelligent for some on disability, I DON'T GET THAT MUCH FROM THOSE WHO ARE." A fair amount of people with mental illness are highly intelligent - and creative, talented individuals. Even those with autism have high IQs, if I'm not mistaken? Correct me if i'm wrong please. Just because someone has a mental disorder/disability doesn't make them an idiot. Being an idiot, MAKES YOU AN IDIOT. I told her I graduated high school at 16, with honors, not because I was pregnant or at risk, and was going to join the Army but couldn't because I'm mentally ill. I started college at 17 pursuing my teaching degree, and a minor in CPS type social work when I get to university but had to put it on hold from lack of money to pay for it. Am I common sense smart? Not really. Am I book smart? I would like to think so, really. I did pretty well in school, minus math classes. Everyone has that one subject they suck at, but I excelled in history and english subjects. I just felt like that was much, she did state she's had roommates who were also on disability, but they were older, so I'm assuming SSDI and not SSI? *No one* wants someone with a disability to be a - LIABILITY, either, she also said. That and because my boyfriend and I've not been together longer than four months which is slightly understandable, but because I'm disabled. You're shitting me, dude. We don't want to rent an apartment outright because again, trying to save for a vehicle. I wanna work again, I don't like sitting at home trust me I don't, but it's not easy without a car. so many places want someone with open availability, and with my lack of "stable employment" I need more yays than nays if that makes sense. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of bullshit? Don't try to relate if you don't get it, seriously. not anyone who was gonna comment, but to that lady. I can't stand people who do that shit, drives me nuts. More than I am. Lol.
  24. A friend just showed me this site. You guys, I really didn't know. Like, I knew, but.. no. Everyone feels negative and depressed and anxious, and I am just being dramatic, and emotional, but emotionally absent when it counts. My thought process is sporadic. I have been in therapy for 8 years. Never once did I consider that NOBODY else thought the standard "Do you have access to weapons?" questions were hilarious. I answered "no" because I assumed they meant guns, or something. Um, hi, if I wanted a weapon, this pen will do, butterknife, literally any room. I would find something if it came down to it. I never mentioned it because I thought it was the rare piece of common sense I actually had. I knew I had depression, I knew I had built an entirely false persona, but it never clicked that that wasn't just what people do. I went to the hospital for PTSD, and Major Depressive Disorder. And BPD seemed like a weird sidenote when I read it on my paperwork. But I didn't know what it meant, the definitions are fine, but this forum really helped me feel like, idk, I'm not alone.
  25. So my pregnant cousin fucking lied about and used me to get her fucking baby shower planned. And like I'm pissed. I wanna fucking cut her baby out of her stomach and make her eat it. Which like obviously I get that that's extreme and I'm not going to do and also she lives far away so ew driving. But like I wanna. Because birch fucking used me to manipulate other people. I wanna slit her throat.
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