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So, it's been awhile - i've been away from the boards for quite awhile, hiding out, going inpatient, getting fired, moving, blah blah blah... Two days ago, i started purging again. After Two. Fucking. Years. I've been stressed out. Two jobs - by day, i'm caregiver to a schizophrenic teenager - at night, i bartend fulltime. This week will be my last week bartending full-time; my caregiving job is going full-time, so i'm going to one night a week slinging booze, which is a huge relief. You'd THINK this would be a huge relief, and it is. But, i've gained about 20 lbs due to meds changes. Now, i've gone back on the meds that make me lose weight, which is good - but it's still early on and i'm a former dancer, and extremely controlling about my weight. And, let's face it - i'm a sick little puppy. SO, i started purging. Not even BINGEING and purging, necessarily, although that happens, too. And the bitch of it is, to control the urge to binge, i swing over into the anorexia side of the spectrum, where eating anything at all makes me feel sick. I'm nauseous all the time, the scale is slowwwwwly,ever so slowly going down, but not fast enough (it's NEVER fast enough is it?). The craziest part is, i'm not even close to being overweight. My bf loves the fact that i have curves now. I just feel gross. And speaking of boyfriends, there are issues there, too, which i know are triggering me...but i don't want to get into that, having just blogged about it here. Anyway, i'm scared, because i've already spent thousands of dollars on repairing my teeth from previous years of damage done to my teeth, and i don't want to be going down this road. Not to mention the damage i've done to my stomach. I have an autoimmune illness, as well. I cannot afford to be doing this to myself, but i can't seem to stop. Today, i can't seem to eat at all - i've tried, but putting food in my mouth makes me sick. It's a vicious circle. I can't believe i'm back here, after two years of being done with all of this. I guess it's like being an addict - your'e never really done with it. I guess i feel better just spewing, so to speak, about it all here. Thanks for reading, anyway.