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I don't think an hour goes by in the day that I don't wish I was a little kid again. I know why at least. When I was 4, 5, 6.. my life was secure. My mom had it together. There was never any uncertainty about what the future was going to bring. Now, it seems like the only thing I have is uncertainty. About my mother. About if I'm going to be able to support myself. If I'm going to be able to find a job.. the list goes on and on. I just get so mentally exhausted of always worrying that my brain has made some kind of coping mechanism where I just mentally reminiss about what I would be doing right now if I was 5 instead of 29. I still live in the same house and with the same people as I did at that age, so it's really easy to. If I'm in bed I'll even shut my eyes and pull the sheets over and fantasize about what lfie would be like if I was 5 again... It seems to blot out the constant WORRYWORRYWORRY that's always present in my head.. but of course when stop my little fantasy I'm just depressed again.. since you can't ever go back. I'll sometimes play memories I have as a child in my head as a way of therapy. It seems to calm me down while I'm doing it. Looking at pictures from my childhood brings a really bittersweet sensation to my mind. It's soothing, because I can see a time where I had so much going for me and life hadn't totally fallen apart, but then depressing, because I realize I can never get back to that time again.
I crave love and affection so bad I want to fall to my knees hug myself rock soothe myself and cry. I just... I feel insane. I have an unstable identity. I go from goth to emo to flapper (Me now) to lesbian to straight to bisexual to Christian to Pagan to Satanist to BLAH-and these are just off the top of my head there are plenty more where they came from-looking for it by fitting in with a group (Basically finding it in the group). I suffered from neglect my first 15 months of life by my emotionally unstable (Possibly bipolar) birth mom (I am now adopted). My therapist thinks this is the cause of a lot of my issues subconsciously though I have yet to talk to her of this. I still have communication with her but of course she denies these things even though there are 2 written testimonies-one from her mother (My grandma) who loves her dearly and her grandma (My great grandma) who also loves her dearly-neglect from court (I have them). And my Aunt who baby sat me (No blood relation to her-she's from my dad side-whom my mom divorced) is a a good visual. My adopted parents also said when they got me I looked like I had never been bathed. I just want to be loved and cared for. It makes me want to break down. The worst part is... When I do get love. It doesn't work. It's not enough. It works but like... only for a short time. Then it comes back. I feel.... emptiness.... I feel so messed up. I just want to be stable and me-though I've gotten so confused trying to be loved I have a hard time telling the difference between those attempts and who I am. Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?
I was curious how many people have been separated from parents or someone else in your early childhood? I think it caused my BPD. It would explain a lot. I started seeing a counselor at age 10 at the recommendation of my teacher. This counselor said if I am ever diagnosed with problems my separation from my birth parents and previous neglect are most likely the cause. I am just curious if anyone else has been separated. I read it is a common history for those with BPD. In my signature is my story... revised.... very much revised. My full story is long but for anyone actually willing to read it look below. You don't have to though. What about you? Were you separated as a child? What's your story? If you don't want to go too deep I understand and you can just answer with yes or no or something. P.S. Before you read my story you should know I still talk with my birth parents through text and see my birth dad once a year-though not last year-which is always very awkward. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The cause of my borderline personality disorder I think is my first year of life-in this life anyways. A lot of people with it were separated at a young age from their caregivers. I was separated from my birth parents. My dad lost custody of me to my mom. My mom's mom (my grandma) and her grandma (My great grandma) were working together to take custody of away from her saying she was emotionally unstable (Which she was and is-like VERY unstable) and about how I suffered from neglect (Which I did). My mom poured my food on the floor (No bowl or anything), never got me clothes, never bathed me-only got bathed when my aunt (Dad's sister) came over to babysit (Whom is also a witness to my neglect)-so I was constantly filthy, and didn't get me diapers-though my grandmother always did. And about her being emotionally unstable she would have emotional meltdowns, did drugs, dated most screwed up men (One who sexually abused my little sister-and got sent to prison), is an EXTREME liar, and when she was a kid she went to school one day-middle school-with her baby picture and claimed it was her baby. Yea she has a lot of problems. So in the end of the whole court thing she just decided to sign the papers and give me up. I was separated from her and placed in a new home-with my great aunt (dad's side) and great uncle (No blood relation) who were physically unable to have kids of their own. I LOVE my birth mother very much-but she's insane. And I LOVE my birth dad, adoptive dad, and adoptive mother very much as well. So there you have it. My first year of life and the most likely cause of my borderline personality disorder. While my current home may not have been the most stable. It was more stable then that and I've had a great life with them.