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Hi, I am kitties. I am a newbie here, but not to illness. I have chronic pain 24/7 in my back and neck. Mentally....here are my diagnoses (got a second and third opinion....all objective and a consensus of the exact same diagnoses.) Bipolar 1 with psychosis, extreme, treatment resistant, rapid cycling. Mixed features predominant. Never had a remission to date...just a couple of weeks with my bipolar disorder. “Normal” for a few weeks a couple of times per year. No anxiety remission. OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, PTSD...I think that is everything. Oh, I am significantly affected by a very strong dose of agoraphobia stemming from my PTSD and Panic Disorder. I have a great psychiatrist and I e been in treatment with him a since 2006. I had a great therapist that had a co-transference issue and I ultimately ended my therapy with him. I have tried four therapists since firing the aforementioned therapist - but I unfortunately have lost faith in the process. I am a night owl by nature and it has really ramped up since being declared disabled in 2009/SSDI/cannot work. I struggle with having a “routine,” although I have read that one with bipolar disorder tends to be more stable with a routine. I’m easily overstimulated so I like the quiet and darkness.. I know I have an eating disorder (anorexia, restricting type), but I politely yet firmly said I have had “eating issues” but I have no desire to “go there.” My psychiatrist respects that although I am subject to a monthly weigh-in and I self-manage it. I am currently relapsing right now, unfortunately. But, I have had it for so many years that I know at what weight my body and mind take a turn for the worst. And I have to rein it back in and stop losing (meaning eat more). I’ll never seek treatment as the recovery model, IMO, is ridiculous. Kudos to those that have been able to “recover.” I take a bunch of meds, mainly psych meds I like to read, Enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. Internet. I like learning things, I am currently and reading up on world history (pre-USA). I keep up with psychology and sociology. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I'm so fucking tired of this damn war on drugs. The persecution of doctors and even pharmacists (YES - PHARMACISTS are losing their licences in FL for filling "too many" 100% legit scripts - not forgeries, but by doctors with active DEA credentials appropriately medicating -- not some crazy ass amount of oxycodone or worse). It leaves people like me, in chronic hard-core pain (that's only gotten worse) crying in bed from the pain. Doctors are too afraid to treat their patients. Meanwhile.. it's all about the poor, innocent, helpless victims of a world where pain meds exist and they've gone out of their way to get shit illegally - over -and over - and over again in order to feed a habit rather than face up to their internal demons. And it's a DISEASE. REALLY? REALLY? FUCK THAT SHIT! It's a CHOICE. Mental issues and a physical predisposition exists, but taking one damn 5mg hydrocodone does not make someone an addict for life and take free will out of one's control. People are dying from Fentanyl made to look like other shit. Well, it is an illegal drug market about money and regular deaths when dealers get pissed off. What the hell do you really expect. Yet they're the "Victims". No. Victims don't make consistent choices over the course of months or even years to do something they're fully aware of the consequences of and decide they don't care and would rather be high and risk it. And still continue to risk it, knowing it's on the market. What do they do - buy test strips. It's like personal responsibility no longer exists. Probably because politicians sons and daughters are getting addicted. It couldn't possibly be the environment they were raised in, or that they have personal issues -- nope, it's gotta be caused by some evil in the shadows that came after their poor, innocent children and hurt them. You don't become an addict overnight and you don't get over it overnight. It's a long slow process made up of many choices. People aren't so idiotic that they don't know what that choice they're making is. Noo.. addiction is all about the drugs being there; whereas, mental illness is a conscious personal failing you should just be able to magically get over & not doing so is a choice. I just saw a neurologist. He said I'd just have to live with the pain cause I've been on all the psych meds.. and throwing opiates at it isn't a reasonable thing. ...... Yet, after all the psych meds that were never developed to handle fibromyalgia.. the OFFICIAL medication treatment guideline says : OPIATES. And the really sad thing is - it works for mine. Honestly, .. I've thought about going and buying the fake shit that's actually fentanyl, dissolving it in two quarts (or even gallons) of liquid, and dosing it in tsp. Actually seems pretty damn cost effective considering the price of medications. I'm not going to do it. There's probably other shit in there that'll mess with my MI chemistry/meds too. But I considered it. This system is fucked.

You find yourself beating your shoulder with a household hammer at 5am just to try to get some relief so you can sleep. (Share your ridiculous attempts at easing the suffering. We've all been there...might as well get a head shake and a hear hear out of it. I like to animate mine with quick sketches. ..because it soothes my mind, even if my body won't catch on...where's my hammer...)

dear doctor bipolar 2 + chronic undiagnosable stomach pain EXISTS. there are many forums posts of other hopeless people, ignored by doctors. mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants do NOTHING for the pain. cannabis helps but some bipolar folk cannot handle weed, nor is it socially acceptable to be stoned all day. gabapentin helps a little more than whisky or valium. only opiates work...as far as i know. even a small dose of opiates goes a long way. this condition turns people into heroin addicts because doctors won't prescribe opiates. suboxone/buprenorphine does very little for the pain. KURT COBAIN had the exact same condition!! he killed himself because he had a personality disorder and wanted to be an "eternal" "authentic" generational icon, not because of opiates, in my opinion

I have chronic pain (a peripheral neuropathy). The only thing I've found that actually reduces the pain is vicodin. I've tried tramadol, gabapentin, cymbalta, other SNRIs, tricyclic antidepressants, lyrica, physical therapy, massages, acupuncture, meditation, CT guided nerve blocks, medical marijuana, nitrous oxide, muscle relaxers, ice packs, hot baths, tens unit, topical lidocaine, and probably other things that I'm forgetting. None of these gave me pain relief, and several made the pain worse. Vicodin works, and it's made me a functional human being. I take 7.5 mg hydrocodone pills once or twice a day. Some days I can go without taking it. My pain fluctuates from terrible to bearable, and I like the fact that I can choose when to use the medication. It makes me feel like I'm less likely to grow dependent on it. My pain doctor wants me to switch over to Kadian (extended release morphine), 20 mg in the morning and 20 mg in the evening. This freaks me out. I don't WANT to take opiates every day. I'm scared that if I start that, I'll be on them FOREVER. I know withdrawal is awful, and I don't want to have to deal with it. With Vicodin, I can go days without taking it and not feel any problematic symptoms. My pain doctor insists that sporadically taking Vicodin is no different than taking morphine every day. I... don't understand that. I'm not asking for medical advice here. Just opinions. I've been taking Vicodin for two years without any need to raise my dose. It still works great. Am I being unreasonable? Should I get over myself and switch over to morphine?

Google Doc told me yesterday that the complete loss of appetite i've experienced for months now is in fact part of the whole Diabetes package. It's been almost 25 years since diagnosis. I asked the doctor if that meant I would have to take an injection. Decades later I learn that it was at this moment that the doctor had to distract me while my mum's heart broke down in tears behind me. But it's all good. She'll be right mate. Diabetes, Insulin dependant diabetes, Type One, yes the horrible type, the autoimmune difficiency - means having to explain to people that no... it's not the diabetes you get because you're fat and eat badly. It means people constanty watching and critising everything you do and eat. And then asking questions like, so what do I do if you collapse suddenly on the floor? Do I stab you with Insulin?? The answer is yes. If you want to kill me. That is what you would do. Oh. And then I wonder what would happen if I returned the favour and asked them back.. so what do I do if YOU convulse suddenly on the floor and piss your pants?! Do you have an emergency plan for that? Well that's Ani being the smartass. Most haven't met that version. Google Doc kept talking. I kept reading. It was shit. The constant and profuse sweating that I thought was just a natural consequence of all the physical labour i've been doiung lately, well, that's diabetes too. My body can no longer regulate it's temperature which means I actually rain sweat down my face when I'm doing even the smallest task. The autonomic nervous system that runs through the whole body is in fact starting to shut down. My digestive system. Oh yes, you probably won't be able to keep anything in or control when it comes out. My hands. They don't close anymore. Not since October last year. Swollen. Painful. And losing strength daily. My balance. Going going .... My eyesight. Yup. Also losing that. My feet. They don't feel hurt anymore. In fact. If they get infected and I don't notice. They get the chop. Why am I posting this here? Because I just want someone to know. Why do I need someone to know? Because no one knows. Because I don't want to go through this alone. But you are going through this alone. Yes but. Not if someone knows about it. ? Maybe? So it's motivating. I look after my blood sugar levels and the amount of insulin in my body. I can now afford almost enough each week to eat better. If you've asked me why I gave up teaching and started building, THIS is the reason. Because moving and staying physically active is good for this body, and for the mind. The soul gets a kick out of it also. The day I stop moving, the day it simply hurts too much to lift that hammer, to throw those rocks, to dig that earth, and climb up that ladder, that is the day I go for my last surf. I'm sure there is a lot of space/time between now and then. A lot. How much is a lot? None of us really know. I know it's not long now. The last two years where these diabetes complications have crashed into my life, expected but not REALLY expected, have given me time/space to measure, treasure, and value the moments life can give. I should be coming to terms with this as an eighty year old... at LEAST! I should be coming to terms with this having lived a life with a husband and children and a dog and a fat cat. Should should should. But, like with everything else, and like everyone else... i'm completely different. And i'm living right now. And I'm smiling. Also crying. Because the regrets are accompanied with thoughts of gratefulness and wonder. How did I get so lucky? Do I feel sorry for myself? YESS! But it's much worse for those close to me. And for those who I will have to leave behind. I know it's hard and I'm sorry. I want to share this. Because I hope, in my last days.. that i'm not doing this alone.

I'm relatively high-functioning but treatment-resistant major depressive disorder started to really disrupt my life about 7 years ago, and i've been in a lot of therapy and sought the help of psychiatrists, psychologists and LMSW's and I had a crisis episode recently. I checked into a partial hospitalization program (FTR I've been inpatient 2 times and this was my second outpatient), and I've generally had a good experience with therapy but this is the first time that my crisis in large part dealt with chronic pain and side effects of the medication keeping me sane enough to even seek treatment contributing to the pain. The program seemed like a great fit because i'd been experience some isolation since shifting my career from a 9-5 to a work from home freelance structure, and the accountability of being somewhere 5 days a week for this program and daily access to an AMAZING doctor were a big plus. Now, I've got a lot of documentation and examples of such, but the general gist of my problem is that the LMSW who lead the group didn't believe that pain and emotions could be connected, and on several occasions she made this clear in ways that were embarassing, humilating and dehumanizing in front of the entire VERY large group. She accussed me often of hiding my "feelings" and focusing too much on the pain and the meds. Her mantra is "no magic pill will make you happy" but I'm dealing with something pretty terrifying because not only did my health conditions eventually conflict with my psych meds, but I had NO history of seizures prior to starting drugs in the atypical antipsychotic class. I've since seized twice in 2 different workplaces and once at home. I also once experienced Parkinsonim as a side effect, akathisia and weight gain and fluid retention that eventually led to horrific sciatica, and was unable to walk more than maybe 10 yards at a time without being in excrutiating pain. My crisis IS that in large part, and it's a terrible place to be to feel stuck between a rock and hard place in feeling that you might have to choose between your mental health and, like, being able to WALK. I felt hopeless, helpless, out of control, sad, terrified all at once - I cried while saying this several times. It was also creepy to not recognize myself anymore in a mirror because I managed to gain 25 lbs. in about 3 weeks, and my stomach swelled so large I had to start wearing maternity pants. It was creepy and terrifying to wait to see my specialist and try and cope with this on my own. After the first VERY immature and unprofessional way she interrupted me one one occasion, she apologized after the session, and her assistant the next day pulled me aside to make sure the leader apologized and asked if I was ok. I said it was fine - this program might not be the right fit for me because other people are probably in more immediate crisis than I am, like victims of rape or incest and such and they probably need the time to talk in group more than I do. Assistant urged me that was NOT the case - that ALL human pain was equal, and encouraged me to stay. I did, and the leader did it again. She said I was too focused on the pain and the meds and not talking about my feelings enough. FTR I've never in years of therapy be accused of such. I'm an open book and I think everyone has a really sad chapter or five, but RIGHT NOW I needed help dealing with THIS. I had a private discussion with the leader and her assistant to clarify because again, after the second embarassing and immature tone with me I questioned if this was the right group for me. I'd been very careful to talk about how I feel about the emotions SURROUNDING the pain and med side effects, and I specifically used words off her "word wheel" (a photocopy of a list of words of which we were encouraged to pick from to communicate what we're feeling). In itself I felt the use of the word wheel kind of limiting to what was actually happening within the depths of my soul, and a lot of this was said in tears, but she didn't hear the feelings - all she heard was "meds" and "pain." In the private discussion she said there was nothing she could do about my pain, so don't talk about it. Instead she wanted me to talk about other topics, like something I dealt with years ago in a crisis group about a broken engagement, why I'm not closer to my family, trauma I'm obviously trying to hide, etc. I said that having to wear maternity pants while my weight JUMPED and I no longer recognize myself in the mirror and can't walk IS traumatic for me. I had sciatica and my antipsychotic was exacerbating it, and the idea that I'd eventually maybe have to go off the only med of like 100 I've tried that's kept me stable enough to even seek therapy is terrifying and I need help with it. She kinda said Sorry, doesn't count. I can't help that. Talk about something else. Again, I said it was probably not the right fit for me, but there's a lot to be said for the need for structure and I was in a place where I NEEDED to see a doctor every day. The good outweighed the bad at the moment, I had an appointment with my specialist to see what was wrong with my body, so we agreed I could stick it out and she said she wanted me there, just wanted me to talk abut other things. I guess things that I'm not in crisis in at the moment but are, like, sad? I dunno. I don't know what she wanted to hear outside platitudes like "Live each day like it's your last!!" etc. She seemed incapable of understanding that I can't "Dance like nobody's watching!" or whatever if I can't get out of bed or walk for more than one and a half minutes at a time. but whatever. So I saw the specialist and it turned out I have auto-immune hepatitis and he wanted me off the atypical antipsychotic ASAP, but was ok with an SSRI. It had to do with inflammation of some organs, his concern about my liver, and the water retention because the giant fast weight gain was probably due to a large amount of fluid in or surrounding my internal organs. My belly was HUGE - I had to buy and begin wearing maternity pants because everything else hurt, and for a while walked with a cane (I'm only 33 and before starting a few particular drugs never really had physical health problems). In addition I'd never had a history of seizures pre-crazy meds and Iv'e seized now twice at two different workplaces and twice at home. I've had akathisia, Parkinsonism and some other terrifying junk and I need help dealing with these feelings, but in the leader's mind this is way too much focus on meds, and not feelings. Again, I was very clear to talk about my feelings SURROUNDING that. I specifically picked words off her stupid word wheel and purpoesely prefaced statements with "I feel..." but she just didn't hear it. When I got the diagnosis about auto-immune hepatitis, which killed my grandmother very young, at group I talked about it through tears and she interruped and said "OK, but what do you need from US?" Valid, I suppose, but I'm the only person in this group who's kinda treated that way. When someone else is crying because they're scared, they don't get shut up. I finally just sorta gave up. Eventually between easing off my antipsychotic and a dieuretic, the fluid in my belly began to drain and I could walk again. After two days of that I felt like it was the first day of my life again - I wanted to shout it from rooftops. Thursday I felt SO GOOD - SO much like the "old me" again, but she asked what my goal for the day was and I was just so distracted by the idea of catchign up on life again I said I wasn't sure and that I needed help. She said, "What I want for you is for you to NOT talk about pain or medication. At ALL. Just do not mention them altogether." An OCD patient who's a participant and anti-med in general and very vocal about it said "And can we call you on it too?" and leader agreed. I had it at that. I'm not a n00b to therapy. I asked the doc about his opinion and he suggested phrasing it in such a way that's almost verbatim to the way I did. I wanted to stay in the program to have access to him and structure, but I just felt really uncomfortable and honeslty kind of humiliated being essentially told that my crisis is JUST as valid as everyone else's, but yet dealt with in a very contradictory and honestly kinda in a way that was bully-like and immature and for that profession - pretty uninformed and unprofessional. She also violated some privacy law issue with me, and I'd just had enough and he was plenty fine with discharging me because he agreed I should be able to talk about the emotional effects of pain and such, and when I got back to group the leader looked ticked and said "Dr. says you're being discharged." I said, "Yeah I think we talked about tomorrow or Monday." She said, "Well, he said TODAY." The next part of this program is completely outpatient with NO daily access to a doctor, and i"m having fears about it because of this med transition, but the doctor is awesome and he said even if I'm in that program which is at a different hospital, I can ALWAYS call him for help. I'm also on his waitlist to be a regular patient when I leave this system completely. So I guess my issue is, I'm really upset about how my experience went down, and I'm pretty seasoned in this realm. If it were my first trip to a program like that and had never sought professional help before, her method would probably sour me on therapy altogether. She also violated what I stated I wanted in my privacy paperwork. Is there something constructive I can do with this? I'm taking a work sabattical and I just wonder if there's anyting I can do with my skills set to, I dunno, educate? Inform? I don't know what. I realize she's a LMSW but to not be able to connect physical pain and depression and feelings when I've spelled them out with tears and the appripriate language is just so strange to me. I've posted about the same concern at NAMI, of which I'm a member, but I don't know where to start. I'm looking for volunteer opportunies - I'm a creative professional with media and advertising background, and I design, illustrate, ghostwrite for blogs, design blogs, do front end web design and development and I also mentor/lecture at schools about what I do. How can I best applies these things are for whom? I'm really really upset and I'd hate for a first-timer there to feel alone or like they're doing something wrong and just ditch therapy in itself altogether. I'm hard to embarrass but she was really, REALLY insensitive and used me as an example of how "No magic pill is going to make you happy" when telling us how important therapy was. I found myself miserable physically and cranky and anxious one day because due to the hospital's confusion I was missing a refill over the long Thanksgiving break and the leader was off and her assistant ran the group, and when she said "There's no magic pill that makes you happy" I retorted with "And there's no talk therapy that can prevent me from having a fucking seizure today when I drive home." It's rare I ever react that way - even in conflict I'm very calm and professional but this program just beat me down.

Hello ladies and especially gentleman! I'm Tim. I just recently came across the site, and I've got plenty to talk about. I've suffered from depression and anxiety (with occasional panic attacks) on and off for the last 15 years or so. Wow! That's half my life. In addition, I suffer from chronic pain, partially from a herniated disk in my L5 vertebra and probably one of them in my neck as well. I suffer from cough syncope, which basically means that coughing a lot can cause a vasovagal response which causes me to faint. The fact that I'm way overweight doesn't help matters much. There are also some issues that have not yet being diagnosed, but at the time of this post, I am going to be having nerve tests in my left arm as well as my face. My current meds are Xanax .5 mg, Norco 7.5/325 (hydrocodone/acetaminophen), Ultram 50 mg, Oxybutanin 5 mg (urinary urgency), Buspar 5 mg, Zoloft 50 mg, Neurontin 300 mg (for nerve pain), Zanaflex 2 mg, and Albuterol Inhaler. I am working on my issues and hope to one day be able to rejoin the workforce. Ultimately, I prefer to be my own boss. Before I can get there, I am going to need to work with my therapist some more and have bariatric surgery. Other surgeries may follow, and there's definitely some physical therapy in my future as well. I firmly believe that I can overcome most of my health problems, and I am hopeful that I can get my life and health on a good track. I look forward to getting to know everyone here. We all have our struggles, and I am not only here for support but to support others as well.