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hi people,(triggers etc) Ive been struggling with my mental health since I was born.although my family is incredibly dysfunctional my mam maintains that since I was born I've never felt loved even when it was there,right from when I was three months old! I received a diagnosis of cyclothemia after being hospitalised for attempting suicide for the fifth time,which sounds far fetched but I live in Ireland where it has to be that bad to get any help,after being in mental hospital for kids for four months when the whole time they maintained that they didn't think there was any mental health issues there! I have a cycle of hypo mania and depression that changes pretty regularly every two weeks or so with the depressions pretty much always resulting in suicidal thoughts and my hypo mania usually starts off pretty mild but at this point today I've already skipped college,eaten nothing (I think I'm still not hungry and I don't remember tbh) started two hysterical arguments and been nearly kicked out of my flat.physically I really haven't felt hungry at all and have been having shakes and tremors,hot and cold sweats,I can feel my heartbeat underneath my jaw and I can't stop thinking about things feeling or tasting bloody,not in like a scary way but like I'm made of it and this is day two or three (again the memory's a bit bad) alongside bits of the day where I was really productive and busy and good ive been on epilim and abilify in varying doses sometimes individually and sometimes together,but I found it just stopped the hypo mania and did nothing for the depression but make me more of a zombie because I'm a co dependant ( I don't really know how to set boundaries or protect myself) I'm so super aware of these problems all the time and I don't really receive any help or sympathy from anybody (so I feel) because they can't identify with me and my doctors and therapists are fuck all help most of the time I feel like I should save my money and buy myself a big fat syringe full of air,not because I'm sad but because there is no point if this is my life now! And I'm just a huge burden on everyone I mean I fluctuate between boundless love and imagining stamping on someone's jaw but apparently this is normal and I should be coping fine im 18 and living independent of my parents (because they couldn't cope) but I can't find a job or sort my shit out because when I try to my moods domineer my life after a certain point I have no idea where I'd even begin to look for work anyway sorry tangent my question is whether or not you guys think this is a problem that sounds more like an illness or like BPD or even something else? I've always maintained that I think it's bipolar but my doctors are certain it isn't (these are the same doctors who didn't realise I had anything wrong at all after two months of round the clock surveillance and were proved to be completely wrong by a psych eval but this is probably because I had only just gone sixteen at the time) or just refuse to give me the diagnosis,which I want not to label it but to validate my feelings.then again if it's not I haven't a fuckin clue what else it might be! I went off my medication before my final school exams because it wasn't working but my doctor said the next step after this was lithium and I don't really know what that is but what I've heard about it is pretty scary so any clarification on mess would be helpful peace and blessings thank you thank you