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Found 3 results

  1. Hi, everyone. This is my first post! I was diagnosed with atypical depression a while ago and was wondering if anyone else has been dealing with it. According to WebMD, one thing that differentiates atypical depression from melancholic depression is "mood reactivity" and it also is characterized by a "more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships." I do have these issues and also have another thing on the list, which is "a feeling of being weighted down, paralyzed, or 'leaden'". Adderall often helps with this feeling, but is by no means a cure-all. Anyway, the "mood reactivity" is interesting to me as I've often felt like I was a little bit BPD, maybe Borderline Lite?? Yes, I definitely feel things very intensely (which sucks), have a massive fear of abandonment and rejection, BUT I don't engage in reckless activities like sex with strangers or manipulation tactics, guilt tripping people, attention whore type behavior, etc. I basically just accept it when someone doesn't want to engage with me (it hurts a LOT, but I'd rather just deal than make it worse/embarrass myself by creating drama). Having said that, I often do feel like I'm still a teenager on the inside (am in my early 40s)! Maybe I am emotionally stunted, I don't know. I have an "inner adult" as well, but under stress my inner teenager seems to hijack my thoughts and feelings at times. Anyway, I thought it was interesting that this "atypical depression" encompasses these BPD/Complex PTSD-like symptoms and was curious to hear your guys' thoughts. Maybe it is a diagnosis for people who have grown out of their BPDish symptoms enough to need a different category? Although, I could be wrong/oversimplifying...
  2. Hi, I was questioning if I might have Complex PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll start out about my life. I was born sensitive and raised by helicopter parents (In which I am now 22 years old). I had a good, disoriented early childhood, but everytime that I did something wrong, I would get spank, yell, threatened or shouted. My father has ADHD, and dropped out in Grade 7 and My mother has MS, GAD, and Depression, dropped out in Grade 11, (but got her GED 25 years later). My father was nice, and took me out for a drive, but when I did something wrong, I would get yelled, then get a smack bottom, but sometimes I would get a head smack by my father. But his anger was so bad that I ended up detach from my father then I always went with my mother, because she is calm, and nice. Luckily my father went to work everyday while my mother takes care of me and my sister. When I was 2, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (in nowadays, I believed that I was misdiagnosed). At that time, my parents didn't know about it. But now they know it. Sometimes I get spanked by my mother when I did something wrong. However, when I was in daycare, everytime I did something wrong, they would put me into time out and raise their voice, in which I was feeling scared that I am going to be spanked like my parents did, but they didn't, even throughout the years in daycare. But time outs was traumatizing. But one time, when I was 5, they took us to the soccer field, but one time, I must of been acting out inappropriately, and got put into time out into the bench with a daycare worker, holding my hand, and for few minutes, she slightly pinched my hand, close to my thumb. But the daycare workers are nice, but due to being a highly sensitive person, when I was put into time out for being naughty, Sometimes I was feeling hyper vigilant that I am scared that they would spank me. I remembered that when I was 4, they took the children to the Shopping Mall, and one kid from daycare bought a piece of paper towel, then I was like, I might do the same thing, then when they went to another store, I was in the shopping cart and as they go idle to idle, I quickly snatched a bag of smarties, then they laugh, when they got out of the store, they took the bag of smarties away in which It traumatized me (in which I developed kleptophobia and worsen anxiety later in life.). When I was being babysat by a teenager, sometimes I would be put into timeouts if i did something wrong, in which I had a same feeling as I was in daycare that I am scared that I would be spanked. But he is a nice person by the way. In which I remembered after acting out in store, they took me back to his house and put me into time out right afterwards, then they let me go then two hours later, I was put into time out again. When I was 6, I started Kindergarten, my biggest fear is getting disciplined by teachers and headmaster because I don't want to hear their raised voice in which it would result another psychological injury. But by the age of 7, I was sent to the headmaster's office few times. One time, that I remembered is that I refused to go outside in which I got forced to go outside, then after the bell rang, I was sent to his office and I was crying as he was raising his voice, I refused to look at his eye, resulting an avoidance of looking at him. When I was 7, I witnessed my brother was having an accident in his undergarment, in which I witnessed that my mother told him that if he doesn't use the toilet, he would be put back in nappies, in which she showed the nappy to him and It traumatized me, in which at the same day, my emotions and my brain couldn't take it anymore. The next day, I was watching a VHS tape, showing a woman discipling at them, in which I developed intrusive memories while daydreaming, that I'm scared that the woman on TV would put a nappy on me, even people in real life discipling at me, I had intrusive thoughts. *You may seem like a typical childhood, but in my own perception, I was hurt. Over the next few months, I developed OCD-Like symptoms, but while having rituals, I was having distressing images in my head that is related to the trauma. After few years that intrusive thoughts about being put in nappies for misbehaving had disappeared. Even I had an intrusive thoughts on having a wrong character on a wrong TV Show and scared that the main character would get mad at me. It haunted me in which It disappeared by the age of 14. Throughout my late childhood years, My father continued to use corporal punishments, but he finally stopped at the age of 13, At the time, I was making a cuckoo noise at my brother and my father got snapped in which he smacked me in the head and yelled at me, resulting myself crying. but still threatened me with spanking. I used to cry almost everyday in elementary school. Few times, my mother would tell me if I kept crying in school, she would treat me like a baby and put in nappies in which it resulted me having a mild flashback. My mentally ill cousin used to wrestle me when I was 4, in which he covered me to suffocate for few seconds, in which it happened almost few times, but it was so bad that when I was 9, he got involved with the police telling him to stop. Then he switched from wrestling to time outs for no reasons, from the age of 9 to 13, he would put me into time outs for few minutes, sometimes he would keep going and would torture me emotionally and psychologically. When I was 12, I was going to get my telescope that it was close to the staircase, and as I attempted to grab it, it fell downstairs and off from the empty railings and fell into his son in which I was an accident and was put into time out. When I was 13, every time my mother is gone, I would do something that I did not do, and he would put me into time out for no reasons, in which I was sent to the room, and the door has a lock, and I was scared that he would lock me and leave me to starve. One time, he took out a case and took out a razor blade, telling me that he would cut my tongue out, etc (due to dissociation that I could not remember the rest of my traumatic memory). He called me a pussy once, he tortured me by making a noise (in which I had Misophonia) that sets me off into a rage (in which by grade 6, one student spread gossips that I don't like certain noise and they all picked at me, I told my vice principal and got after them twice, but throughout the years, they were picking at me, (not just noise, other things that upsets me) I ended up defending against them with attempted violence and cussing and I got into trouble and told me that I was lying (due to lack of knowledge of Misophonia)), and he made me to do push-ups and told me that my mother is gone forever. Thankfully, my mother had enough and hauled me, my brother and my sister out of his place and went to my grandparent's house, I continue having intrusive thoughts and distressing memories of the trauma for 2 years including flashbacks, I had nightmares few times. My cousin began to take drugs, got drunk and destroyed few walls at my Grandmother's house where I was psychologically and emotionally abused, in which he got kicked out by my mother and went with his girlfriend, broke up few times, then when I was 18, I told him to get out (due to trauma), and by 19, he came to my house By Grade 10, i was sent to the learning center (special education) in which I don't belong to that my IPP English Teacher found out that I was at the Learning Center (usually at lunch), but in the first day, I was on the computer with the Assistance standing back against me, in which it was hard on me, then I left the place and went to the desk crying, then the Assistance sat down next to me and touched me with her finger onto my sides of my abdomen, in which I believed that she was treating me like a baby. I went to their outings and it went well until one day, they took us to eat, and I thought I was going to have a big meal until I found out that they are ordering from the Children's Menu (due to the result of the childhood trauma, I grew up too fast and stopped playing toys at 11.) I attempted to refused to eat the children's menu, and after that incident, I chose not to go with them ever again. One of the fellow with moderate autism was making a noise that triggered my Misophonia, i told him to stop, and the Assistant told me that he's allowed to do it. Few weeks later, my IPP English teacher told me that I don't belong to that Learning Center. Then I finally rebelled against the Assistances at the Learning Center, by telling that I am going out to the Cafeteria, because I was left out from my old friends, and they said, "NO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT TO THE CAFETERIA!" and I was crying so bad and told them "I DON'T BELONG IN THERE!" after a hour of rebelling, they told my IPP English teacher and she told them that I do not belong to that Learning Center in which I won the fight and told me that I will be out in one week. One week later, I was finally set free! (a happy ending for that part) But however I was doing my dance project, and my assistance took me into the Learning Center to do it rather than their classroom in which I rebelled for once again. But by Grade 11 (17-18 years old), they finally shut up. But I began to rebel against my mother due to my undiagnosed CPTSD (in which the intrusive thoughts and distressing images has morphed into a full-blown PTSD Symptoms), and every word that she said has traumatized me and made my condition worse. They even threatened me to turn around and go home instead of my friend's house, she mistreated me once by treating me like a 5 year old child. And also threatened me to take my stuff back. In which it resulted me of having violent flashbacks from it. I began to fantasize revenge via violence against the perpetrator while having a flashback including causing me to scream my lungs out of anger in which the flashbacks went away). My parents was separated for few months. I was happy about it, but however when they are arguing, it increases my hyper vigilance that I am scared that my father would go upstairs and break my stuff, due to his violent anger issues resulting from dropping out from Secondary School and his ADHD. But thank goodness that I did not have a flashbacks but intrusive thoughts. But one week before christmas, my father went in her house with his baseball bat, went upstairs and start breaking the railings in which I thought that he was killing my mother and I thought that he said, DIE! DIE! DIE! but it didn't and I left the house for my safety and I was shaking. I went back in the house and went upstairs to my bedroom and crouched myself in a fetal position, fearing for my own safety, but a hour later, my father was calm and watched TV with my mother. (In which it resulted in having violent flashbacks and revenge fantasies) Few months later, my mother told me to stay with my father every weekend and I rebelled against her because of the past of what he has done to me. But I did spent a weekend but I did not talk to him of that much by staying in the basement for the rest of the weekend. But one day, my father told me that I am going to spend few nights resulting in a full-range rebellion. He took me to the barbershop as I was letting my hair grow long. And shaved it off in which I told my father that I am going to reshaving it off because I don't want to be like him. I rebelled at him many times and I have a thoughts of running away from him because I don't want to be with him and for my own safety. I did researched at school about how to run away from them. But I did not run away due to anxiety. That incident by staying with my father has resulted of having flashbacks and revenge fantasies. After I finally went back to my mother, It took me 2 weeks before I finally re-shaved my head. (Happy Ending) I couldn't handle with her arguments (mostly in the car) and it made my symptoms worse. Few months prior to Graduation, I was having an anxiety attack while riding a bike, then when I got off from the bike at the park, I was feeling dizzy and about to pass out, I drank a bottle of water. I went to the park and sat down on the bench to stop the dizziness, then I told the strangers the story about what happened and told them that I was drinking (in which I forgot to say water), resulting them to think I am suspicious of being drunk, then I sat onto another bench and start singing next to the lady and she left the seat causing anxiety, then I told them about my favorite singer then I sat on the empty bench, then all of the sudden, the police came and told me to get up as they want to talk to me, even though I had no friends at that time, and I told them, "There's something wrong?" and they said, "You were drinking, picking up children and crazy talking" so I told the Police that I wasn't drinking alcohol but the water bottle and I did gave them evidence with my water bottle, then he smelt it and he was like, ok. Then I told them that I wasn't picking on children or even touch them and I told them that I wasn't doing crazy talking. Then I asked him a question, "Are you going to taser me or arrest me" and they said, no, then he asked me why am I in this park, then I told them that I have no friends, then they redirected me to a center to find friends in my age, but I refused to go there due to anxiety. Then I told them, Am I going to be on the Criminal Record? and they told me, "No, everything is cleared" then they left. I was upset and having anxiety attack, in which I went home and told my mother on the phone and she almost going to tell the police, about it, but I told her no, do not call them, because it would make it worse. (Due to fear of being traumatized even more). I spoke to my then-girlfriend on the phone about it. Then the next day, she told me that I am in the Criminal Record but her uncle is a police officer, so he saw it and called the main headquarters and told them about it and they cleared my Criminal Record because it was a false accusation. But I disbelieved her. It resulted in increase of hyper vigilance level, Intrusive thoughts and memory, worsening anxiety, locked myself in my bedroom for few weeks and refuse to leave the house for 2 months, due to fear of police officers that I am scared that they would tell me to go home, also developed Social Anxiety as a long-term consequences. Over a month and the half, they announced that they would check our pockets before going to safe grad party, in which I was anxious that they would reject me due to the incident, but it got eased right after the security check and went to the safe grad party. (But almost 4 years later, My counselor brought me in to speak with the police officer to overcome the fear, and he clarified that I am not on the Criminal Record and explained the process of how it works, in which my anxiety levels dropped, but only 15%). After Graduation, I returned as an undergrad, I had an assistance for a month, before the resource teacher told me that I do not need her anymore, and I celebrated. But the worst part is that I got picked on by other people and told the principal on them, but It was hard to described due to pieces of the memory of the traumatic event. After a month of suffering, They denied that I was picked on and my mother told me that I was lying due to lack of evidence. (resulted in worsening of trauma symptoms) Since growing up I cannot go outside of the neighborhood without a friend, and I began to rebel against her, and I managed to seek counseling and I told her every story that my mother was overprotective. Also I dragged her to her office twice then she tone it down. It took me a year before she finally set me free. Resulting in a huge Facebook party. (But before she set me free, it resulted in worsening trauma symptoms). I began to hide my negative stories to people because I feared that they would tell on her and she would go against me and telling me that I was lying but I was telling the truth. This happens a year before the denial of me being bullied, I told a stranger about what happened, even in the past, then she called her, and I got into trouble and threatened to ground me as I was lying but I was telling the truth in which I was unaware that she was gas lighting me. When arguing in the car, she often puts me down, calls me a spoiled brat, and she threatens me to put into a group home in which I ended up threatening her with suicide, but I don't attempt it, I used that when I am angry and just to leave me alone. I take Klonopin for my Anxiety and she told me that the meds are not working. (In which It resulting in having violent flashbacks, intrusive memories and thoughts and revenge fantasies in which it never went way, especially certain lyrics triggered my flashback.) And last year, I finally spit it out by telling her that I don't like her, due to her obnoxious behavior. In which it resulted into a huge hurtful arguments and worsened my symptoms. As of the result of her, I ended up packing my bags and stay with my sister who is very nice to me and quiet. I helped her a lot and I believed that it was a very happy family. I cut-off contact with my mother for 4 months except for few visitations. Every time that I came to her house, she begs me to come home, but I refused. I blocked her from my phone and I had a happy life, but I went to college at the same year, due to having undiagnosed CPTSD Symptoms, I ended up missing few days from school, being late for class, and almost had a poor performance due to suffering from trauma. Thankfully, my instructor referred me to see the counselor and I told her every stories that I had in my life. And I still see her as of now where she referred me to see the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis as I suspected that I am suffering from Complex PTSD, she invited to her cooking class and workshop sessions. Every time that I told her, she told me that I misunderstood from the past, and sometimes lying, but I was telling the truth, even in the car when she argues at me, she told me that I was misunderstanding in which I was so upset and I questioned that if I have Dissociation Symptoms or she was gas lighting me, so I chose to believe that she was gas lighting. After being set free from my mother, I was in fear, having hyper vigilance episode, and sometimes if I wear certain clothes including a Military trousers and combat boots in public, I became hyper vigilant and I was scared that the police will come, or entering to the building, I feared of what people might think of me based on my looks and behavior and scared that they would report to me (she told me that it's a sign of social anxiety even though I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder). After the stage fright 2 months ago, I took a bus home, I told the stranger that I was having a stage fright due to strained tenor notes (i do very well in practice), but the man told me to sing in my normal voice (in which I had a flashback of when I was trying to imitate other singer's voice, my mother forced me to sing in my own voice, and also forced to wear what she want me to wear before I gained my freedom in appearance and my own decision.) and I told him that I have a good knowledge of how singing works, but he has a lack of knowledge of how singing works (chest, mixed, and head voice) and I think he called me an a**hole, and I told him that I have PTSD and he told me to smoke pot, in which it resulted in a flashbacks, revenge fantasies and having intrusive thoughts and memories. I had a revenge fantasies during flashbacks that I could push him out from the bus and call him a r*tard. I still have the flashbacks as of now. Due to being bullied, I was growing my hair long, and they called me "Sissyface" and it was so bad that I shaved my head off and wore sunglasses. But the happy ending is that I disappeared from public and went to another town to spend the rest of the summer in which it turned out a good one, then I changed my appearance drastically, then no one including the bullies have noticed me at all in which, it was a happy ending. If I have traumatic bad days, I would go to my bedroom and have a nap for 2 hours, then I wake up and pretend that It is a new day. In which I begin to cry hysterically that I love that day better than the last one. After all of these years that I been through, I have thousands of Mental Scars in my brain. I still have flashbacks, hyper vigilance, distressing memories, intrusive thoughts and memories, violent revenge fantasies, severe anxiety, multiple phobias, excessive seeking help, impulsivity (shaving my head to the skin everyday, always on the go and excessive spending sprees), avoidance behavior if hyper vigilance is worsening, avoiding triggers, bits of pieces of memory of the traumatic event, maladaptive daydreaming, excessive crying (after a flashback is over), mild dissociation, mind wandering, fear that I am re-experiencing trauma, blank stare (when being traumatized) social isolation, growing up too fast, and thoughts of running away. I only get mild nightmares related to the trauma, once in a while, but mostly 95% of the time, I have good dreams, (i use it to escape from trauma). I tend to get traumatized more easily when something is bad. When I get yelled at, raising their voice, being criticized, and disciplined, It triggers flashbacks and undiagnosed Complex PTSD attacks causing re-traumatization and psychological shock that could lead to having a future flashback, distressing memories, revenge fantasies, intrusive thoughts and memories of the recent traumatic event, but when telling the counselor, I cannot remember some parts of the trauma. The only symptoms that I don't have is, Self-harming, Nightmares and difficulty sleeping (except If I was having a flashback, in which it lasts from 1 to 3 hours then crying for an extra 1 hour after a flashback) I wear sunglasses to hide myself from the public and to ease anxiety attacks in which without wearing it, I could become dizzy, even can lead to panic attacks and I could possibly faint (due to suffering from an anxiety disorder). Sometimes, I would write a brutal lyrics on Facebook based on my trauma. Would you tell me if i am suffering from an undiagnosed Borderline or Complex PTSD?
  3. To preface: While I'm well aware that complex PTSD isn't technically an official thing, it may as well be.....they're supposedly adding it as a subtype of PTSD to the DSM-V. And I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I am a poster child for the dx. It's the only thing that totally and completely fits everything that's happened to me and how I've felt and currently do feel. (or don't feel, depending on the day...) They diagnosed me as bipolar II six years ago and I have never felt that it was an accurate dx. I take Wellbutrin and nothing else. I've taken mood stabilizers a couple times and didn't have much improvement. Unless my feeling-like-a-normal-person is akin to hypomania in a person not severely depressed, I don't see how I have it. (that...sentence probably didn't make sense. I can clarify if need be.) There is nothing cyclical about it at all. I DO have a mood disorder. Whatever it may be. And I think the root of it is my trauma and a few crappy genes. I don't have a brain disorder. I have brain damage. And lately, I've not been doing very well. It started with stress about some stuff in life and it all compounded to put me in a crappy place. And then I started hearing/seeing commercials and advertisements everywhere for "father's" day. And I've been seeing them for weeks. And last week I started to completely lose it. [next part may be triggery for some] I don't have a father. I don't know what it's like to have a father. And I don't want to fucking constantly be reminded that other people DO have fathers that they somehow feel love toward. I do know what it's like to have a male that married and impregnated my mother in order to produce an offspring that would serve as nothing but a punching bag for his CONSTANT emotional and physical outbursts. (They're still married, btw. Because divorce is a greater sin than beating the shit out of your kids/wife). I don't want to think about him. I don't want to remember him. I can't even drive through the city in which I used to live when I was still a minor and living with my parents without wanting to go 190 mph down the road to get the hell out of there as fast as possible (but I don't!). Just thinking about being in the city is making my heart pound as I write this. The other day I couldn't help but think about how much I want to take a baseball bat and cave in his skull. The thought of it brought me a sick sort of joy. I would NEVER actually do that though. I can't stand the site of gore, I don't want to go to jail, and besides....that'd make me just as bad as him. He deserves to suffer through whatever life he has left. His disease will eventually kill him; no one else has to. And EVERY counselor/therapist/psychologist I've ever seen has known my history and the horrible things I barely lived through. And all I ever get in sessions is typical 'how was your day?' & '...and how does that make you feel?' bullshit. I have DIRECTLY brought up that I need more than that. With at least half of the ones I've seen. And NO ONE DOES ANYTHING FOR ME. It's like they see someone with their arm hacked off and think a band-aid will be just fine and dandy to make them better. I don't know what to do. I am an irrevocably broken person that will never be better. I will always be brain damaged. No one cares to help me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Scream? Cry? Beg? DBT has been brought up with one, maybe two, of them and that's it. It never goes anywhere. I brought up C-PTSD to one of them and she FLIPPED OUT at me asking me who told me I had that (I never said I had it; I said the description sounds exactly like me) and whoever told me that needs to have their license revoked because C-PTSD is not a real thing. (This is the same woman that had the gall to ask me why I never called CPS as a kid if things were really that bad. I hope her shitty dog mauls her to a slow, agonizing death. ...I....might have some issues with holding grudges, heh.) The current place I'm going? Totally disorganized, HIPAA violations EVERYWHERE. I told the counselor about it and that it was thoroughly unacceptable. She said she would talk to the front desk about it. Rest assured, if I see the same shit the next time I have an appointment, I am absolutely reporting them to the board. I am trying to find a new place to go. HIPAA violations aside, the current counselor is completely useless. She's nice and all, but I may as well be talking to the Cleverbot AI. I am doing nothing but wasting my time and money by being there. I think she's new to the profession. I found a good one when I first started going.... I remember thinking to myself "she's really good at this. She'll be gone soon. Every single good one leaves.", and then at the very next appointment, she told me she was leaving. Just like I knew she would. Just like they all do. (The exact same thing unfailingly happens to my best friend as well!!) So I need to find a new place. And all I can think is that it's not worth it. I barely have the energy to live my life and now I have to basically throw a dart and land on a name of a Dr/MSW/etc in the area for whom I have no references and cross my fingers that they won't further damage me. I am NEVER going to get better with this bullshit. I will never find someone to help me. I finally get the courage to bring things up and I am always dismissed. Just like my entire youth. Nothing I say means anything because I'm not screaming when I say it. What do I have to do to get help? I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do to get people to take me seriously. Maybe if I had scars all over my body from being beaten they'd have some sympathy for me. But I only have one that's not instantly apparent. And all the other scars are in my head, binding up any chance for a happy life in a web of inflexible tangled frustration. So I guess they don't actually exist because no one can see them. If they were on the outside, I'd look like a burn victim that had their face ripped off. I want to be better. I don't want to have to keep shoving pills in my mouth so that I can wake up in the morning to only sort of feel like killing myself instead of wanting nothing more than death. And I CANNOT do it on my own!!! WTF am I supposed to do? No one helps me. I don't know how to ask for help aside from directly and explicitly asking for it!! I'm terrified of being labeled as histrionic or something. That me thinking I'm as broken as I am is just a symptom of me being crazy. So I don't press the issue. I state what I need and they think I'm trying to play doctor or that I think I believe I know more than they do. I have had VERY bad experiences with both MDs and Psychs. I just want to stop living a nightmare. I'm writing down names of doctors in the area in hoping I can find info about them online. I got as far as writing down the first four names and I can't do anymore. I want to throw up. I know it will just be the same thing. In eight years I have had ONE competent therapist. ONE. I may hate myself, but I don't hate myself enough to keep putting myself through the torture of baring my soul to one person after another with absolutely nothing in return. I want to flush the wellbutrin, fire every incompetent moron that thinks they're helping by having conversations with me I could just as easily have had with a five year old and letting the fate I deserve take me away. But I have someone that loves me. And I will not do that to him. I just want so very badly to give up. Nothing I do helps. Nothing anyone does helps. I am terminally broken. All I want to do is find someone that gives a shit enough to help me glue the pieces together. I know I'm permanently damaged and will never be a "normal" person, but I sure as hell could stand to do better than I am now! I have hope that it's possible to get better. I don't have hope that I'll find the person with the skills to get me there. I'm in the US and am lucky enough to have health insurance. If anyone can offer any wisdom on how to get my life moving, I'd appreciate it. I just feel like there is nothing I can do anymore. Because nothing I've ever done in the past 5-6 years has gotten me anywhere. I have run out of hope. Sorry for the wall of text. If I could say it succinctly I would.
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