Jump to content

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'confused'.

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
    • Bipolar Spectrum Disorder - The Pole Dance
    • Depression - Let a WHAT Be My Fucking Umbrella? (Sod You, Perry Como)
    • Self-injury - The Cutting Board
    • Personality Disorders - Fuck Off! No, Wait. Fuck Me Now!
    • Eating Disorders - Hell's Kitchen
    • Substance Abuse / Addictive Behavior - 8-balls, Highballs, Deal Me in One Last Time
    • Panic / Anxiety Disorders - What, Me Worry?
    • PTSD and Trauma- Duck and Cover. Again and Again.
    • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Click Here Repeatedly
    • Social Phobia - Behind Paranoid Eyes
    • Dissociative Disorders - Now where was I?
    • Schizophrenia and Various Psychoses -- Jesus Had a Twin Who Knew Nothing About Sin
    • ADD/ADHD - Could You Say That Again? I Was Listening to My Head.
    • Autistic Spectrum Disorders - What Part of English Don't You Understand?
    • Migraines and Other Headaches - Not Tonight, Dear
    • Neuropathic and Chronic Pain
    • Seizure Disorders - Shake, Rattle and Roll
    • Sleep Disorders - Perchance to Dream
    • Allergies: Benadryl? No, But I Have a Cousin Who Was a Dremel.
    • Hormone and Glandular Problems - How Do You Make a Hormone? Kick Her in the Ankle.
    • Not Otherwise Specified - Put your finger on your NOS, on your NOS
  • Meds and Other Crap That Make Life Tolerable
    • Anticonvulsants / Mood Stabilizers - Bodies A-Twitchin', Moods A-Switchin'
    • Antidepressants - If You're Crappy and You Know It
    • Cocktails - Medicated to the Gills and Floundering
    • Antipsychotics / Neuroleptics / Major Tranquilizers - The Acme Pill-O-Matics
    • Miscellaneous Medications & Miscellaneous Questions About Meds
    • Benzodiazepines - Take a Chill Pill!
    • CNS Stimulants - Warped & Wired
    • Side Effects - It Turned Me into a Newt! A Newt? I Got Better.
    • What The Hell is THAT? - Medical, Nutritional, and Lifestyle Alternatives
    • Therapy - The Other Half of the Puzzle
    • ECT etc. - Watt's up, Doc?
  • Crap You Read About
    • Academic Interests - Geek Out While You Freak Out
    • Books Reviews - Self Help and Otherwise
  • Life Cycle: Mate Spawn and Die
    • Family Feud
    • Parenting/Pregnancy/Childhood Issues - Nature or Nurture
    • Relationship Issues - Crazy For Loving You
    • Aging Issues: Hot Flashes and Hot Rods? Midlife Crisis, Menopause, and Beyond
    • Spirituality - Luminous Beings Are We, Not This Crude Matter
    • Grief, Death and Dying
  • Your Crappy Life
    • The Health Care System Sucks!
    • Law, Money, and Employment -- Send Lawyers Guns and Money
    • Technology Sucks! - Luddites Unite!
    • News and Politics - Next on Sick Sad World
    • People Suck!
    • Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Transgendered Issues - Out of the Closet and Out of Our Minds
    • Intro to Being a Crazy Student - Whatsamatta U
    • The Confessional
    • I've *Still* Got Issues!
  • Other Crap
    • Whatever
    • I Got the Good Stuff Here
  • Generic Forum Crap
    • Board News - Incoming Message from The Big Giant Head
    • Suggestion Board - I'm Sorry Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That
    • New User Info - It's Not Easy Being Green
    • Introductions - Who The Hell Are You?
    • Moderators - Pay No Attention to the People Behind the Curtain
    • Test Board - Do Not Push the Big Red Button!
  • Coronavirus: Because You Don’t Have Enough Crap On Your Mind
    • I Need An Adult!: Where to Find Accurate Information
    • Has Anyone Told the Amish?: Covid-19 in the Media
    • Social Distancing: I’ve Never Felt Closer to You
    • Telemedicine: Is This Thing On? Getting the Most Out of Screen Time With Your Doctor
    • Oh, No, I Couldn’t... Well, Maybe Just One More: Hoarding. Or, uh, Being Prepared
    • Casual Everyday: How to Stop Watching Cat Videos and Get Some Work Done At Home
    • Absolutely No One Walked Into a Bar: Best of Coronavirus Humor
    • But I Need a Damn Haircut: When You Don’t Have the Virus, But You’re Still Falling Apart
    • Countin’ Flowers On the Wall: So Bored We Need a Board For It

Find results in...

Find results that contain...

Date Created

  • Start


Last Updated

  • Start


Filter by number of...


  • Start





Website URL







Found 18 results

  1. Hello all. I am new to the anxiety forum. So I came here today to address some things. Whenever there's a test at school, I'm always afraid my friends will do better than me. Due to this, I almost cried when I had to take a biology test. I did get an A on the test though, but one of my best friends got the same exact score as me. Last year on state testing (it's a national test in the US that everyone has to take) I did alright. It wasn't the best. My mom told me I had test anxiety (it differs from anxiety disorder) because I would freak out because it would count for college. In elementary school, I use to refuse to take tests and cry whenever I didn't finish them. I am also constantly worried about my friends talking about me behind my back. This worry plagues my mind every single day. Since I do have a self harm issue, several of my friends are aware of it. Even though they show emotional support on the outside, my mind always thinks they don't actually care on the inside, they would call me 'weak' and 'pathetic'. No, I do not have a medical diagnosis of anxiety disorder. I do not want to claim I have it, because that would come across as rude and insulting to the people who actually struggle with the issue.
  2. Hey I am an 19 year old male who has recently began to lose his mind I used to be a witty charming teen starting out until I was bullied into becoming a social outcast. I dated a girl with bi polar disorder and she made me go on an emotional roller coaster with her until I got fed up and left her and then I was made to look like the bad guy I lost all my friends and now live in perpetual fear of losing control over a situation or lose friends. I left High School only with bitter memories, no one wanted to be associated with me and ever talked to me because they felt sorry for me. in college I entered at 17 years old, I was in Army ROTC my grades weren't the best but I had friends finally and a good activity to do. I ended up dating a girl who mentally abused me and even bullied me into feeling inferior she even blamed me for rape when she changed her mind about what we did the night before. I was kicked out of ROTC and lost all my friends again. With nothing left I did what any sane person would do. I joined the Marines shipped out for boot camp and endured almost 3 months of hell until one day I broke both of my legs and parts of my back after a training exercise. I came back home feeling like a failure again. I let all my friends down in my platoon because I couldn't finish I came home back to an overcrowded apartment with 11 people living here with my parents. I've been in and out of work I was academically dismissed from college. No college has even responded to my submitted applications and it's been 3 months I can't live anymore knowing all throughout my teen years everyone else was happy and I wasn't I was always going through something. Recently I've been having thoughts of suicide, my romantic interest joined the marines too and has diverted her attention to someone else who suits her more because I'm a nasty civilian and she's a marine as she puts it dating sucks for me because I don't know what to say or how to act and I always get the awkward silence to kill everything for me I can't afford to move out of my parents overcrowded apartment I've lost all my social life (what was left of it) and so I've come here to ask for help because counseling didn't help recently I've been so depressed and feeling so helpless and worthless like I'm taking up space, I've been eating less and staying holed up in what I call a hell hole with only games and myself to keep me company almost like if I've hit rock bottom and this is the end of the line. Me a grown ass man cries himself to sleep every night while during the day I wear a fake smile and fake emotions just to seem normal
  3. My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in. I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit. Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me. Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it. And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain? Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.
  4. Okay so I'm new here and gradually finding my way around... the thing is I actually don't know how to reply to comments people make on things I post? ^^; I tried searching for information but couldn't find what I was looking for. It's probably something really obvious and I'm just being dumb... help please???
  5. This picture is really not me, most people said I look like a criminal, but in some ways it catches I think the mental anguish that I am going through, maybe I just don't want to be seen, I want my moment of piece and clarity.... oh well, its a lovely place if anyone ever visits montenegro
  6. I’m starting to think that this is one of the main reasons I experience so much social anxiety just from being around people. It feels like I’m telling lies without realising it, doing abnormal or ingenuine things without realising it, and acting out a strange amalgamation of different people I find interesting because I have no person of my own. These feel like the most unnacceptable things possible to be thinking; there are waves of heat going through my body; my heart is beating weirdly; I want to throw up. It seems like just by being around people I’m showing them that I’m not fully real and there’s something wrong with me, and they can tell simply by being around me(the way I sit, the way I act, the way I look) and the more people show that they’ve realised this the sooner I’m going to have to fully realise it myself and it feels like I’m going to have to get out whichever way, so why not right now? I think that I’m faking my mental health problems on some sort of subconscious level – is it possible to fake something without realising it, or without realising it beyond a suspicion that it might be happening? That I’m saying stupid things without realising that everyone else is going to see right through them, and people are going to get angry. But there's nothing beyond the pretence, and I couldn't find what was true if my life depended on it. Then, when I was most certainly depressed I recall breaking down to my mother telling her that I thought I might be faking everything and actually I’m just the worst person ever, and it was pretty obvious that it *was* depression, but then, what if I was just faking it really well, so well that eventually I even convinced myself, using other people to do so? What if I’m the worst person to exist and only trying to convince myself otherwise; what if it's impossible for me to experience suffering which isn't my own fault, only inflict it on myself and others; what if I'm inherently bad and don't even know what good is; what if everyone can tell; what if it sickens everyone to even briefly notice my existence so that they have to shove down thoughts (however fleeting) of wanting me to die? Please tell me this is a doubt that others have
  7. Hi, oh so i know that I have had depression my whole life and i am not confused about that i am more confused on what i have started to do.... ok so i am in the military and am married with three kids and i have been in for almost ten years and have been deployed six times but this last deployment has been extra hard on me i mean seeing your kids grow up with out you and missing so much that this one has really hit me. my depression does not hit all the time i can be fine one minute and something can happen randomly and it will trigger it and it lasts for one to three sometimes four weeks and it can varry in streangth. the last one went pretty dark and lasted for almost three weeks but that is not what i am confused about i am always confused about what my body is feeling and well let just say not the brightest tool in the shed.... what i am confused about is with this one i was getting deeper and deeper into my depresion i was pondering cutting which i have never done before but this episode was really bad and well.... i started cutting alittle i was doing it on my hand and made a happy face..... and i got to thinking which let me tell is not always a good thing that i was just doing it to play like a game and i dont know why i feel that way because it is not why i did it. i did it because it would take my mind off what i was feeling and it worked when ever i would feel my self going i could feel the cuts i did alittle on my arm to because i am in the military and dont want to get into trouble. i never understand my body and what it is doing. i dont know if this is the bigging of something worse or not becasue i am on deployment right know and i told my wife that if it got really bad i would come home but i dont know if that is a sign of it getting worse or not. i am on meds right know (zoloft) and it worked for a little bit for the first time when i got sad i didn't think of wanting to hurt or kill my self and i didn't know that you can actualy feel sad and not have all those other thoughts which frelt really good almost freeing but it didn't last long. is there ever going to be a way where i can feel like that everyday??
  8. I am new here. I found this site when googling alternatives to xanax. Anywho.. I have depression. I am currently untreated and it has taken over my life the past year or so. I have within the past 3 months started to get panic attacks sometimes daily. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest or something in stuck in my throat and I want to explode like the hulk or cry until my eyes dry out. My doctor is not the best and the referral she gave for a shrink told me I am bi-polar, have poor impulse control, anxiety, and a whole laundry list of things..then tried to prescribe me enough medicine to knock out a bear for 6 months..I left and never went back 3 months later I got a letter from my insurance stating that place had been shut down. Now here we are over a year later and I need something done because I'm a hot mess. I want an anti-depressant which I'm going to ask for either zoloft (which I've taken and did good on) or prozac (which my doctor prefers to prescribe). My point of this long post is what do I ask for in regards to the panic attacks???? I'm pretty sure her go-to is xanax but I don't want it because I know a lot of people who got addicted to it. So pretty much what do you take for panic attacks??? What is good/bad/ugly???
  9. Last night was one of the worst of my life. I was hyperactive, restless, jittery & acting very bizarre. I kept racing around the house, jumping on beds & the sofa & picking random things up. My housemates apparently found me in the corner of the kitchen floor huddled up eating peaches. This was 1am, I didn't even want those peaches. I was flipping between hyper, scared, anxious & giggly. My mind was going at 100mph & I was wide awake despite having to get up for work at 7:30 :/ I forced myself to concentrate of organising clean clothes looking up helplines, that settled my mind enough to lie down & I eventually forced myself to sleep. I woke up this morning & felt so anxious & scared that I called into work sick, I couldn't face the idea of dealing with that many people when I feel so unstable. I've not been diagnosed with BP but lately my mood has been so sporadic that I'm trying to push to see a psychiatrist rather than my GP. I know you guys aren't medical professionals & can't say one way or the other, I guess I just needed to write this down to try to make sense of it though. I really need someone to listen & not thing I'm going crazy.
  10. After a year and a half of a buttload of antidepressants and mood stabilizers, I got a new counselor cuz my old one really didn't know me well, and after a couple sessions we determined the original problem was most likely triggered by a real-life event that I had been storing in the back of my mind. Mild PTSD in a sense. (I feel guilty calling it that sometimes cuz it was just a school thing, no death or anything.. but she seems to think it affected me enough to call it that) So if that's true, I never really needed any of those meds. And, right after we determined that, I was read, symptom-by-symptom, the description of type 2 ADHD, and it was spot on in every area. And I guess it can cause bipolar and depressive symptoms when the disorder becomes too stressful, which contributed to the bad memory, and it is very possible for a "comorbidity" between ADHD and other things, like mood swings, depression, and anxiety; however, we went over some of my major mood swings in the past, and these almost all seemed to be situational as well. Either way: We've determined the main problem was the ADHD. I'm on 10mg of Focalin 2x a day (immediate release, the XR made me crazy upset at the end of the day) and I am functioning much better... In the sense that I am uppity, social, and motivated. However, I am still on 100mg of Lamotrigine/Lamictal and as I've been off and on it for quite some time now (and never was off long enough for me to adjust) I've gotten used to feeling a little dull. In a sense. I couldn't tell it was the Lamictal that was doing it because we were switching through so many medications at once, but we always kept the Lamictal because it was "the only good one". But I've felt like this for so long, and now that I have some of my spunk back, it's like the other half is still missing. Basically, I can do schoolwork and retain it, sing, play music; enjoy movies, music, and TV shows; be naturally positive and social. The downside still present? My sense of humor is still gone. I can't pull a bunch of funny stuff out of my butt anymore and have my friends say, "Where do you even come up with this stuff?!" When someone asks me "How are ya?" all I can think of to say is "Good." There's no other ways to respond in my head. I can't have deep or funny conversations with people, and I've been mispronouncing words and forgetting words I want to use to finish a sentence. A lot of my vocabulary seems to have died, reading books is really hard, remembering song lyrics is hard. And it just feels perpetually now. Everything feels like it happened a week ago, and my past feels jumbled and non-chronological. I don't really hold interest in anything or get excited anymore, either. So someone please tell me this isn't in my head? Everyone I talk to (minus my counselor, who I haven't spoken to yet) just say stuff like "Well maybe you're just tired" or "We all get like that sometimes" UH NO, this is completely different. I feel like part of my brain took a vacation.
  11. Hi. This is my first post and I would appreciate an outside perspective/opinion. Early last year I moved into a flat-share. I got on very well with on of the girls. We spent a lot of time together hanging and became very, very good friends quickly. After a while, we became involved with each other and quickly enough our relationship grew stronger and more meaningful. So meaningful that I asked her to marry me at the turn of the year. She said yes. Since then, things have changed every so slightly. We argue a lot now and very easily. To me she seems to be more sensitive – when compared to before I asked her. Also, I sense some attempts to control me. Again I don’t know which is why I need an outsiders opinion. Since we got engaged, as I mentioned, we argue a lot now and very easily. With time the arguing has become worse/more regular. At first, I’d say she wasn’t ‘that’ sensitive and now she seems more sensitive. If I say something wrong or do something wrong i.e. - If I am answering a work phone call after work, she will tell me to put it down. If I say no, I cant, its work, she will become upset. When I do finish the phone call, she has to know all details immediately and why I had to answer the call (only my line manager – the CEO (small company) will call me after work). My response is usually - sorry, its my boss and its work. - Another example, if I say ‘I love you’, she always says ‘I love you more’. If I don’t respond she will say, way to let a girl know that you care for her… then she will be upset. (I also hate the fact she says that, very nice thing to say to your fiancé) - Final example, slightly different – I was asked by friends to go out for a drink. This was the first time ever in our relationship – I live in a different city to my friends. We had a week long argument about it where she was saying things like – I am inclined not to like these people. I don’t know these people so how do I know if you’re going to be ok. So how long will you be out for? When will you be back? That night I came home early to avoid an argument. But she still started one. I feel like I have to answer any questions she asks with the exact answer she is expected otherwise she will be upset with me so now when I do answer her question I stutter a bit in fear of her becoming upset… omg I have just realised what I am typing… grow a set of balls! One thing I find she does as well is when im texting she will ask who I am texting if she cant see the screen of my phone. When I say who she will ask what they wanted – is it me or is that normal (oh and this is every text – actually, if my phone vibrates she will say you’ve got a text. Halve the time its an email (clear to me by one vibration) and if I say no it’s a vibration, she will become irate with me). An example was last night, she was on the ipad playing a card game. I received a text from my uncle and started texting back. I knew she had stopped playing and started watching me because she had the sound on the ipad turned on and I couldn’t hear any cards being dealt, etc… whilst I was texting. As soon as I stopped, the cards started making noises again. Furthermore to that, if I am on facebook (very rarely) and I am reading the latest ‘news feed’, she WILL say to any update from a girl who could be classed as attractive as ‘a dirty slut’ – the usual line is ‘why are you friends with so many slutty girls’… WTF! These are ppl I went to school with. I've not seen 95% of my 'facebook friends' since then! One girl I had to state in ‘What capacity’ I knew the girl – she is dating a guy I played football with who is a twin… she was not impressed with my answer and so… became upset with me and since has asked me about it and (to me) is clearly looking for inconsistencies in my answers. Oh and appraently all the girls i work with (four in total) are all sluts (well except on - she is mid fourties, has a husband and two kids). The other three are either between 1 to 6 years older than me. If she slags one of them off and i say thats a bit harsh... 'why are you defending her!' 'You're taking her side over mine' (firstly WTF have they done to you, secondly they are not here! How can i take their side - you are arguing with yourself). Despite all over the above (examples) I do love her because she is sooo much fun to be with and we laugh so much. I have said to a handful of ppl that she is me, just with different parts… Last weekend she terrified me… when we first started dating she was anti-depressants, after 4 months she came off them. She know believes she needs to go back on them – first mentioned a few weeks back. I asked her if she would delay that to see if this is something we to deal with together without medication – I know nothing about depression and was relying on her knowledge etc. She say ok. At the weekend, we were lying in bed until she got up and sat on the floor. She then started to bang the back of her head against the wall. I immediately jumped up and asked what was wrong, told her to stop it etc. My ‘sudden’ interest in her (?!?!?!?) compelled her to say – why are you worried, what are you hiding (not the exact words but also conveys the msg). I was confused and had no idea what she was talking about. I felt like she started to verbally attack me whilst I was still confused. We ended squabbling until she told me to fuck off so I went into the other bedroom to sleep. She barged in immediately and started shouting again saying you don’t care, etc, etc, etc. She locked herself in the bathroom and started crying. I felt terrible because she was upset and I thought it was because of me so I went to see her. She let me into the bathroom where I hugged her from behind whilst she faced into the corner of the room. She continued saying things like, you don’t love me, you don’t care about anyone but you, I told you I needed to go back on anti-depressants BUT YOU WOULDN’T LET ME (fucking lie!). She then started saying that I was cruel for not letting her go on the anti-depressants (you’re cruel, you’re cruel, you say nasty things)… I finally managed to calm her down and get her back in bed. Just before we went to sleep she said ‘Well done, you deserve to sleep well’.I asked her what she meant coz I had no idea what she was talking about. She said ‘with your technical skills – you know work’ … WTF!?!? I did not sleep well that night. Since then if feels like theres an elephant in the room constantly and we cant talk about it because she gets so upset. I do not know what to do! And I am freaked out! This is not the person I asked to marry me! Definitely not! WTF! She has admitted on several occasions that she has abandonment issues to which I was let her know I will always be there for her. She also says she loves me too much and that when she is not with me i.e. if I am away with work, that she panics so much that she is always on the verge of a panic attack. Please help me. By no means am I perfect i.e. I get defensive now when she gets upset or is being what I class as overly sensitive. Im now very quick to boil over. I've never know myself to be like this, its unreal! I feel like im carrying a bag of anger with me at all times - i dont like it. But she just isnt the person I asked to marry me. She has also thrusted the ring back in my face twice… WTF! I am exhausted by her constant need for reassurance, her obsessiveness, her sensitivity. It doesn’t feel like I am in a relationship anymore. I know all relationships have tough times but my last one last 6 years and there was many of those during that. I've actually has a cheeky look at available flat/flatshares. I dont want to break up with her as i want to work at this! but i am exhausted and she has said that she won't stop caring for me so much and wont change her way. I asked her to marry me! I also made a promise to her parents when i told them of my intention (to ask her to marry me) - i said i'd care for her. They are living abroad at the moment and her father said they were thinking about moving back because of her (to care for her/be there for her). He said that they are releaved that she has found someone who cares for her so much. Help! She doesn't like therapy, she has been there before and walked out immediately. I dont think she'll agree to that. She is too head strong. Im sorry that this is sooooo long and that there will be an unbelievable amount of errors! Sorry
  12. Okay, so I was driving home last night, and i had the leftovers from a migraine. I was thinking about my SZA diagnosis, and the things I have been doing lately, like being in a fog and having trouble talking/getting my point across because I lose what I was talking about halfway through my sentence. (I just had a med adjustment 2 weeks ago?) So then I started getting upset about it, knowing that things are likely to get worse as I get older, which then caused me to hold my breath. When I do that my heart skips a beat and it made my migraine hurt. So then I started thinking, I have this pain in my head, what if I am going to have a seizure or an aneurism burst while I am driving? So I started breathing even more abnormally, didn't know if it was real or not, if i was delusional and there was nowhere to pull over. I eventually was able to control my breathing enough to drive home but felt shaky and the letters on the panel of the gas pump were very bright and overwhelming? I don't know if I was confused and panicking because of that? Like psychotic anxiety I guess? Or just having a panic attack? I have never had one before. I don't know how to log this on my mood tracker.
  13. So uh.. I don't know or can't remember how I have come upon this site. I understand exactly what the domain name means but I am not really sure...ya'll are one of the nicest people ever. You read other people's sh*t AND YOU CARE! I'm still noob with the rules and whatnot to post but, yeah, just wanted to dropped by and tell ya how much you help me the last few days of 'me' feeling dark and all. I haven't visited a psych yet, but I do feel so down at times. Especially since the last few months. I also feel freaky that I'll be 19 next month and THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH THINGS TO DO, SO MANY PLACES TO GET YOUR FOOT ON, SO MUCH THINGS TO GET ACCOMPLISHED AND SO LITTLE TIME. I have nothing figured out yet and I feel lost (i know i sound cliche but..damn) I feel like an alien So all the little "lost ones" there, you can blurt out your feelings here, whatever those might be, we don't care, AND WE DO NOT JUDGE. Margo
  14. My dad is 65, I'm 21... He worked his whole life for me and my siblings... My family is not a functional one, years of psychological abuse ruined our relationships with each other. My sister gave and still is giving my parents hell, she tells them she hates them, doesn't respect them, yet they still give her everything she wants. Money they don't have, love she doesn't reciprocate, support she doesn't acknowledge. She leaves them in agony, ripping at them at their weakest time, My dad wakes up at 3am to stock groceries since losing his job after the internet bubble collapsed, and my mom can't teach anymore cause she had to leave work so many times for my sister that she lost 4 straight teaching jobs and ruined her resume. She still calls them poor, questions why they moved to a town they used to be able to afford and now barely scrape by in. My dad is a very frustrated man, he came from 3rd world Africa in a village you can't even find if you google it, gave up his dreams of changing his home country for the better and his hopes of being a photographer to support a family. One of the smartest men I know, or at least I have heard such. We can't really talk, he's said too many terrible things to me out of frustration and anger, regardless of whether I actually deserved it or not. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed by me when I couldn't get into Ivy league schools. Asking me, "What will I tell my friends and relatives?" while nearly crying. He would tell me how much he hated his life and family while driving me to high school every morning for years...so I started to walk. He was livid when I told him he was making me depressed, and kicked me out of the car. He asked my psychologist in front of me, "Have you figured out whats wrong with him yet?" Needless to say I was a pretty bad student, distracted by the thought of going home at the end of the day. He's visibly depressed all the time, but when he sees other people he lights up and smiles. He smiles and laughs so much to every stranger he meets that it's uncomfortable cause its so fake. He hasn't fit in well in our town, too many embarrassing stories of the chaos in our house linger on the lips of our neighbors. My sister called the cops on me twice cause I couldn't take it anymore and lashed out. She destroyed my mother, who turned to eating to comfort herself, now she's throwing up almost everyday cause of her disorder. She ruined my father, who could never take his anger out on her so he took it out on me. I was sick of watching her torment and I needed to punish her, even though she called authorities they never arrested me and actually put her in jail once. My father loves me so much, I can tell cause he calls me all the time since I moved out and started to go to the university in the city I live in. I can tell cause he tries to ask me how my day is with the tone he uses in front of strangers. He's withering away and he knows it, and he knows he'll never hear me sing through my saxophone again. He knows I'll never laugh from the other room, wishing he was the cause. He can't walk by my door to check if I'm breathing, just to make sure I haven't killed myself. He worries so much about me, I know he loves me but I don't know if I can forgive him. He knows he hurt me, and he knows I'm not coming back. I wish I could talk to him, I wanna hear about Africa which he deeply misses, I wanna talk to him about my problems, I want show him my music but I can't bring myself to do it. Anytime we talk it's always frustration that comes out, he calls me asking about my day and then quickly becomes irritated about some issue in my life. I can't tell if he can't control himself or if he is really just releasing his frustration on me, so I stopped picking up my phone. He always leaves a message...and they always start with "Oh hi (my name)..." "Are you coming home for dinner tonight? I'll buy you scallops if you do come..." "I'm going to our uncles house and your little cousins want to see you..." "I'm just calling to see how you are doing we haven't seen you in a while..." And they always end with... "...Please call me back..." or "Please...call me back.." But I try not to, and when I do I make it brief; almost business like to avoid any possible conflict. My one word answers are not totally from resentment, but from love. I don't want to give him the chance to hurt me by saying too much, I do it so I can heal myself from the agony he put me through, but he always slips up just when I start thinking I'm able to forgive him. It's so emotionally draining just to write this, I never told anyone about what he says to me. Maybe he's why I can't trust people, or why I can't focus in school, why I fantasize about suicide, why I stay in my room as my roommates laugh and holler, why I drink so much, why I smoke so much, why I play too many video games, why I cry when I'm alone thinking about how my family could have been different. Call it what you will but I'm not stuck in the past, this continues to this day, my sister get's everything from them still, my mother is killing herself slowly in front of my eyes, and my father is more stressed and ashamed than ever. I left when I was 20 and the year away from the chaos opened my eyes, I realized who I was, that everything wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am, that there is nothing wrong with me. I get compliments quite often, whether it's my music, my high payings jobs (40$ per. Hr.), my school that I transferred into, my sense of humor, whatever... But I still don't believe them or myself, I question everything good that I do, every laugh I inspire, every mind I vibe with. I don't even realize when I'm doing something right, it just never feels good enough. It's discouraging cause I'm so distant from reality, I'm afraid of meaningful relationships, I'm afraid of truly being myself. My emotions contradict my logic and vice versa and I'm left being paralyzed and don't know where to turn. Even If I already know the answer to my problems I don't acknowledge them as valid points, nothing that flows through my head seems right... ***I'm aware that people have much bigger problems than me and by no means is my life the worst. I'm not looking for pity I just want some advice and I'm sorry I wrote this in such a weird way but I was very emotional at the time and needed to get it out***
  15. My problem is a product of an event I never realized was going on, or even had any control over. 18 years ago when I was but a child. My father was out driving his motorcycle in the city one day, when a truck rammed the back of his bike, sending his soaring through the air and smashing himself into telephone pole. Lucky enough a nurse was just driving by and was able to save his life, though not without serious injury of course. He went into a coma for quite a period of time, leaving my mother by herself with two boys to take care of. He eventually awoke from his coma, but he wasn't the same from the head injury. From what has been explained to be he had to relearn many things. He has short term memory loss, and isn't able to work anymore. They didn't stay together of course, he wasn't the same person and no longer cared for my mother and stayed with her 6years after the accident for us. Though my mother eventually left and took me with her. I would visit my father over the weekends as I grew up, but now that I'm older I come to realize it seems as though he bought my love. I can't hate him, though i wish as a child we would have spent much more time together then just doing things that cost money or buying gifts and sh*t. Yet I hated living with my mom, and I didn't want to be with her. I always wanted to lived with him and pretty much hated my life up until I was 12 years of age and she just couldn't take care of me anymore and need me gone, and sent me off with him. I'm diagnosed to have ADHD, ODD (Oppositional defiance disorder), though I chose to not believe it even still you can imagine it was hard on my mother. From even the age of 12-19 he never spent much time with me, and he doesn't very much talk either. Now I feel as though based on them I've grow up the same, and haven't learned enough life skills to keep myself on my feet. For one thing I cannot make much eye contact as well, I give up on every job I get and I don't tend to talk a whole lot yet I feel uninteresting. Like I'll grow only to be alone, I can't keep or even these days find someone I can match up with to have a relationship. I have mood swings and get depressed thinking about this stuff often. I hate the world for the way I feel I grew up, feeling as though I've never had a father to teach me so much of what I should have. People talk about their friendship and experiences with their dad growing up and it makes me metaphorically sick. I don't totally know where I'm going with this, or where to post it. I just need to write it, or to get some advice from someone. Thanks for reading.
  16. I'm totally and completely new here, and have no idea really what I'm doing, but I felt the need to just GET MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD. I feel like they're circling around in my brain, slowly chipping away at my sanity. Am I okay? WTF is going on?? I just feel like I'm going freaking crazy! Half of the day, I lay around on my floor (no joke) and either watch TV or go online, feeling like a lazy depressed slob, the other half of the day I feel agitated and the need to move around, clean, organize shit, etc. I've been seeing my psychiatrist 2x a week for the past several weeks (started with an every day meeting while I was inpatient for non-psych related medical issues). Currently he's out of the office for a week and a half...that's two visits that I'm missing, and I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE...or implode. I constantly feel like I need to punch/throw things (though I don't, because I feel guilty about feeling that way)...I should probably mention that I've been dx-ed with MDD, with aspects of GAD/OCD, which I suppose is true (I have a bit of a problem with psychiatric hypochondria, if there is such a thing). I feel like I don't know what's wrong with me, I know something is, I think...I don't know... GOD I just feel like screaming and tearing my hair out! It's been a week and a day since my last psych appt, and I'm going NUTS. I talk to him about stuff I never talk about to anyone else, and it's all building up inside me. I keep getting thoughts popping into my head...weird morbid stuff like gory images, SI/suicidal stuff (ps: just thought, not action!) or just insults from the back of my head talking to me, like "lazy", "loser", "moron" etc, etc. I tend to get obsessive about thoughts and feelings in particular, and tend to analyze them to DEATH (pdoc says it's my defense mechanism). I just feel so confused and scared. Sorry for the rant... I think I just really need someone to talk to.
  17. I/m failing at my job, I am so alone. My husband has spent the week not talking to me and won't tell me why. which is f*cking rediculous since we've been talking about having a baby this winter. I thoiught I had gotten past this. alomst 2 yeaRS. BUT IT JUST HURTS SO BAD and I don't know what to do. I don't even have a Pdoc anymore. just somw shitty family practitioner. I am just so confused as to what has happened. I pulled outr my cutting kit, I never cut deep. just enough to lrave a scar on the skin. and I aleays cut in the same place on the back of my hand top of the wrist. I'm just so tired of not having anormal marage. I am just so tired of not sleeping ;like a normal person. I am just so tired in being alone oin this. No f*cking way I can be up in 5 hours for work, no f*cking way. I used to be more in contro;. I don't know what happened. I am just so fucking cinfused and lonely.I just want someone to understant.
  • Create New...