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  1. Basically what the title says. Also, how old we you at the time. Obviously looking for responses from teenager years more than anything.
  2. I have been self harming since I was 11. I'm 21 with a job in healthcare and I still can't stop myself from cutting. Its become a custome. That's my go to when I'm stressed, upset, lonely, sometimes even if I'm bored. I just like to have cuts or burns or scratches on me at all times. Its like a secret that I don't have to share its amusing to me in a way. I feel almost naked if I don't have at least a few cuts on me at any given time. I've tried to stop and for a while I did, but I just keep turning back. I want to move forward with my life but its like I'm stuck In a hole that I can't climb out of. I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I'm stuck here hurting myself with no control over anything. My anxiety is to bad to seek help. I just feel like I would be better off dead because dying just seems so easier, more realistic and more inviting than trying to live a normal life.
  3. I hadn’t been cutting for long before I was found out. My parents sent me to therapy hoping for a full recovery. I haven’t cut since the end of May -a little over for months ago- but I still fantasize about it everyday. I feel that since I’m not an active cutter I’m seen as being better but I’m not better. The urge is still there and life is harder now that I’m not doing essentially the only thing that remedied the pain. I wish I coined express this frustration to someone but I hate to disappoint. I burdened my parents and enough already and don’t want to hurt them anymore. How can I make the urge go away or get my parents to see that I haven’t fully recovered without hurting them? If you have any advice please lmk. Thanks.
  4. Been googling how to stop cutting for a while, and it seems like it's all just focused on teens and I've only been doing this for the past year(I'm 21). I went through a lot(really, who hasn't?) as a child/teen and never had anything happen back then, no urges to cut. I wasn't into(still am not) into drinking, drugs, smoking and I guess that's usually the mainstream crutches for people. I don't understand why it has become a habit now, it kind of feels like no matter how much you think you're over childhood traumas things seem to come up once in a blue moon and you start to question your behavior, that maybe you're still just messed up inside and something has to trigger it. I end up cutting whenever my husband and I have really really bad fights, I love him more than anything and I get so overwhelmed when we fight, I end up running off during or after and cutting my legs. I can't take the depression and the emotions and when I cut, the pain numbs my mind so I can empty my thoughts. I try to explain to him that it's my way of coping with our fights, but obviously cutting to cope isn't exactly normal so there has to be more to it. It kills him everytime he finds that I've cut. I always see him stealing glances with a pained expression later on after we've made up. He's torn between getting me help, but the problem is with him in the army if I see anyone here(we are currently stationed overseas) and they diagnose me with depression or anything they will send me back to the states, otherwise I would have no problem going and talking to someone. I hate the fact that I'm scarring my legs, they are faint scars for now but slowly I get worse and worse and cut deeper. I can't wait to be a mother one day and to think about my kids asking about the scars, I can't imagine having to explain something like that...and I would be afraid of them trying it out for themselves one day if they knew mommy used to do it...I wish I could understand just why I do it. It's so stupid, I shouldn't have any reason to. Is it really just my past demons coming out? Would love to hear anyone's advice/experiences/thoughts/anything really.
  5. 11yo male here. So i was pretty miserable last night because of loneliness and i decided to self-harm. I cut many times on the top of both my arms, just above the sleeves of my short-sleeved shirt, a bit deeper than i usually do. So anyways, today I was talking to my teacher about problems unrelated to self harm because she acts as sort of a 2nd mother to me that i can actually talk to (my real one is a narcissist ). She had noticed my cuts earlier, a few weeks ago and she told me to stop, . She noticed that I had new cuts because they were poking out from my shirt sleeves and she made me promise to throw my blade out. I don't want to stop cutting, mostly because i like my scars ( i'm not doing it for attention, i just like it when people besides my parents ask about my cuts because it shows them that no matter how happy I seem a lot of the time, when I'm alone I'm often sad, lonely or numb. It shows that that i've gone through things painful enough that i would hurt myself to forget). What should I do???
  6. My best friend/roommate found out I cut myself about a year-and-a-half ago and tried to get me to stop (long story, I basically got black-out drunk and she found the cuts while helping me into bed). I hid it from her for maybe a year afterwards. Well, a couple days ago, she walked in on me organizing my first-aid supplies and tools and put two and two together. She confronted me and asked me to stop. I told her I've been trying and I'm still trying. She told me to text or call her the next time I want to. My dilemma is we both have anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, so I don't want to make her worse with my problems. I'm so mad at myself for getting caught again. She threatened to throw my stuff away, but finally said she wouldn't if I promised to try to stop. It's so hard when that voice gets louder and tells you you're a failure and your best friend is going to leave you because of your issues. So, long story short, do y'all have any tips to help the urges at least calm? Thank you in advance, everyone
  7. Hey everyone... I haven't posted on a message board in a very long time.... but I just don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I am new to cutting. I didn't realize that what I was doing was actually for real cutting. I started scratching my arms with sharp things whenever I am feeling really really depressed. Then I started doing it every time I got really sad, and it seems to make me feel better. I can't explain it with words. My girlfriend saw my arms and called me a "teenage girl" ( I'm 30) and basically made me feel over dramatic and seeking attention. I really don't want attention. I'm currently deep into a depression that has lasted about 3 weeks. I go off and on with this, and have been for as long as I can remember. Yesterday I had gotten into an argument with my girlfriend over the phone, basically about how I just mope around all of the time and are never happy. I went in the bathroom at work and self harmed my leg. I immediately felt better. Not really better, but like I had validation of my internal pain. Like now I can see what I'm feeling inside. Like a real wound makes it visible to me. But now I'm terrified that someone will see these... and I'm terrified as to what this means? Has my depression reached a new level? Am I actually just super dramatic and should just be normal? Ugh. I'm not sure what I should do, or how to avoid going down this road.
  8. Hello. My name is Lisa. ive been struggling with the addiction of cutting since 14 years old. I am now 28. I have good months and I've even gone a year without cutting. Recently I went back to self harming. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel sad constantly. I have an amazing husband that treats me like a princess but I still just don't feel good enough. He knows my cutting history and does everything to support me. I started seeing a therapist again.. and I hope that starts working. I can't talk to any of my friends about my struggles. It would be nice to have someone to lean on that can keep me strong. Just need people that understand the addiction. Thanks for listening.
  9. I just cut myself again, after less than a week without doing it. The longest I've gone is about 2 1/2 months. When I've been keeping such big secrets for so long, it isn't hard to find my way around my parents safety measures. I'm sure you guys can agree. I started cutting when I was 13. My parents know. Now, at almost 15, I've been hospitalized 5 times. My family is reaching the limit of their tolerance. I can't blame them. My youngest sister, after witnessing one of my breakdowns, now sees a therapist herself. Today, my dad said I'll have to go live in a special home if I don't stop. I don't know what to do. I want to be with them and make them happy, but self-harm has become a part of me now. Honestly, I almost want to go away. At least then they wouldn't have to worry about me. I really have nothing left to fight with. That's why I'm reaching out. Thanks guys.
  10. Does anyone else here have an imaginary friend? Or at least a voice in your head that seems to have a mind of it's own? My "imaginary" friend, Anne, has been by my side since I was little. She is like a whole other side of me. She is never afraid to do the things I am so scared of, like insulting someone, doing something crazy, or making an inappropriate comment at exactly the wrong(right?) time. She has distinct attributes: red hair, gray eyes, pale skin, blue summer dress, brown sandals. She can be funny, clever, and a really great friend. But sometimes, she can be mean and demanding and controlling. She swears at me, tells me what to do. She even tells me to hurt myself. I'm not sure how to explain that I'm in charge without losing her. Any ideas, guys?
  11. Self harm is very addictive and it becomes an addiction at times and something that is so difficult to stop. Sometimes I wish I never started but now I just can't stop. Cutting has been a real struggle for me and I just relapsed and now everything seems to be depressed for me. I just wish that I wouldn't have to live with this addiction anymore. If any of you can relate, feel free to add your struggles too. Thanks.
  12. I have always wondered why cutting is bad. I mean the definition states its non suicidal... so i dont fet my its so bad. If you dont cut deep enough to hurt your muscles or scar all that bad, then why???
  13. I'm new to this site but not new to si. I had lots of trauma as a teen ( lots) and cut then. I scared myself at one point and committed myself into a psych ward for a week because I scared myself by cutting patterns into my wrist. Anyway then I didn't cut or even really think about it for over twenty years. And recently had a series of bad experiences that let to me cutting and planning my suicide for a few months. I'm not cutting now but am constantly obsessed with it. It it makes me feel......unhinged. I have a four year old who I absolutely adore and work hard to give her the safe loving my environment I didn't have. And now I feel like I'm awful at it by extension. Because how can I be a good parent if I. Cut
  14. I've been having such a hard time recently and because of my anxiety I cannot talk about it in person but today, a hour ago, I reached a new low. I have starved, purged, screamed into pillows, and ran until I passed out but I just cut. It was on my thighs, three long, semi-deep ones with a piece of broken glass. I liked the feeling, it was weird, it was profound, I hated it but I loved it and I'm terrified that I loved it. Please help me, I've cut on my hips once before (three years ago) and I hated it a lot more. Now I'm so scared of what this will escalate to, help me.
  15. I cut a couple of days ago, a bit deeper than I usually go, and I'm really worried about one specific cut. Could it be infected??!? I really hope it isn't, as I can NOT tell my parents, I'm not ready to tell anyone.... Also, what should I do to help the cut heal? And if it is infected.....is there any way I could just leave it alone and hope for the best? Or do something myself? I'm wayyy too scared to tell a doctor, as I would have to tell my parents first. By the way, the cut is a bit more than an inch long and on my thigh.
  16. I used to cut myself a lot. I never did a lot of damage, but it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't stop. I've been doing better for a long time, but a recent wave of anxiety and depression has me tempted to relapse. I hate admitting that I still have this problem in my twenties. I guess I was hoping it was something I could grow out of. Thanks for listening. Any advice or encouragement would be more than welcome. Is there someone else that feels this way?
  17. Tonight was the first night I tried cutting. I'm a 33 year old woman with a fiancé and two soon to be step daughters. I found out I was passed over for promotion that I deserved. Ever since my fiancé proposed we've been fighting over everything under the moon. He offered no support and left immediately after work to a weekend getaway that was unplanned. I preceded to take dr prescribed klonopin (too much) and drank some alcohol. Before I knew it I was cutting my arm. It actually felt better. I'm scared. I know nothing about this and I don't know who I can trust. Any help is appreciated.
  18. I finally made an appointment with a counselor, which is a step in the right direction. I haven't had a real appointment yet, just an intro to get the gist of what's going on, make sure I didn't need emergency help etc. I want to be open about stuff because I really want to get better but I'm kind of nervous of talking about everything. I'm scared I'll get reported or they'll recommend I get committed or something. I don't think I'm any worse off than the majority of people struggling with stuff, I just want help. But once you take about what's going on you can't take that back. I feel like saying that I want to do something will mean to them that I will do something. I'm not suicidal at all (and have never been, actually) I'm talking more along the lines of SH or daydreaming about stuff like that. How honest are you with your counselor? Do you tell them everything that's really going on? I've never gotten help before so I think I'm just nervous about the unknown. I just want to get a grip on my life.
  19. I self harm, and no I don't want to stop. I'm confused because usually people say they wished they had never started self harm, I'm not one of them though. I'm fine with this. It's not only a (kinda bad) coping mechanism, it's calming. I like seeing blood and seeing the cut as it heals and scars. I don't think that's weird, but if it is, oh well. And I was wondering, if I want to cut deeper without dying or anything like that (and not needing stitches) where would be the best place to do so?
  20. I'm struggling, guys. I went from no sh for 4.5year to almost daily cutting now. It's escalated rapidly in the last week or 2. I just got back from a therapy appointment where I finally told him I was cutting again and showed him some. The PTSD therapy has triggered it to get bad fast. He's taking this week a little slower to see how close to si I really am. I'm not suicidal, but I'm afraid I will be. I told him all that. He wants me to try other things like ice instead. None of that ever helped. I'm EXHAUSTED after the session today. It was the hardest session of therapy I've ever had in all these years. I feel like I have no confidence in myself to stop doing it right now. Anyone else struggle with alternatives not helping? Any suggestions? Thanks.
  21. Does anyone else have a fixation on their keloids from previous self harm? I've noticed I'm pretty drawn to it. I only have 1 that I focus on. The others aren't very big because I don't tend to cut them as often. I choose other areas. Except the 1 keloid, I seem to stare at all the time until I give in and cut it, making sure to cut enough to enlarge it. I don't know why I'm like this. It's like...it gives me satisfaction and a sense of...accomplishment? I know that's way twisted, but it's the truth. Anyone else?
  22. I started cutting after my rape years ago. I'd been clean about 4 years. My PTSD symptoms are all of the time now. I had my first therapy session last week. I failed to tell the therapist that I relapsed into cutting once a few days before Christmas. I'm so confused if I should tell him or not. I think it has a significant tie-in to the PTSD/rape because I cut both breasts. Pretty badly. I've never done that before. It's almost always my arm. Has anyone else had anything like that happen? I've been fighting the urges again, but think I'll be ok. I'm not suicidal. I'm just freaked out that I cut my breasts....
  23. I need help in cutting like self harm guidance I'm totally new to this. I'm all alone have no friend. I'm from asia my age is 22. There is no one who knew about my SI.
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