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Found 17 results

  1. I've been depressed and have experienced suicidal thoughts for a long time. I've tried to kill myself multiple times but I've stopped from actually doing it because I fear death. I've always have since the very beginning. I don't know how I feel about religion. I don't know which side I should join. I don't want to kill myself because I fear the idea of "oblivion" and nonexistence. The idea of "being asleep" forever without dreaming (Or how else someone might describe it) fears more than anything else. I want to die, but I want to exist too. Call me wishy washy because I am. Whenever someone talks about why they choose to live it's always something like family and responsibility but I simply have little to no connection with anything in the world. It's selfish, I know but I feel kinda alone and left out that apparently no one else I know has the same motivation as me for noting choosing to die. Sorry for this dumb post. I just wanted to vent.
  2. When you are splitting, do you ever engage in fantasies about the person that you are hating at the time? In one particular case, my fantasies included ways this person could die. Mind you, this is a person who is very close to me, err hmm partner. None of the ways he died in the scenarios were by my hand or entailed murder committed by me, but they were all things like being hit by car or knocked over by falling tree, having a stroke, or any other crazy thing you could think of. It was like a malicious screwed up form of escapism, but it makes me feel very guilty. And I have wondered for a while where it came from. It's not something that you would ask someone about, you know? I didn't even know where to begin with that level of craziness. When I get angry or enraged about something, I feel he has done to me, it is quite easy for me to move into this territory. For example I can put myself to sleep at night fantasizing this way. I haven't done this lately but it is definitely something I have done in the recent past. I don't yet have a BPD diagnosis but I am very sure that I have it and that I was misdiagnosed as bipolar 2 or that I have SAD or bipolar 2 in addition to BPD and ADHD I. Reading the criteria for borderline personality disorder explained so much about my life and I fit 7 of them for sure. I would appreciate any responses if anyone has experienced similar because I'm just wondering if this is something way beyond what a borderline person might experience or if it is something that could be part of splitting. These fantasies are about the same guy that I put on a pedestal and gush about endlessly at other moments.
  3. My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection. His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior). I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases. But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going. Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt. I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him. I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me. Feedback, love, and support would be great.
  4. I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has. I
  5. I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has.
  6. I don't feel anymore, all I hear is noise. No touch of a hand, no tickle of a whisper in my ear, not a kiss, an embrace, nothing. Nothing except noise. This constant white noise of sounds I can't even string together anymore. It's all consuming and too much. I want to switch it off but I can't do it alone. I need to know that there is someone out there who also hears the noise. Who, like me is ready to not just turn it down but switch it off completely.
  7. Hi CB -- I feel a little odd asking this, considering I lost my own mother nearly two years ago so you'd think I'd have some insight. I suppose I do, I'd just like to have multiple opinions/insights. One of my best friends very recently lost their mother due to a battle with cancer. Obviously, this is a very tough time for them. So what I am asking is, what little things could I do to help make this easier? Is there anything a friend or relative has done for you that you especially appreciated during grieving? I really want to be there for them, but I'm not exactly sure how. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks, --Alice
  8. without thinking about Mom my whole life she was always listening to music. it is what I was raised on how do I get past this? it was two and a half years ago and I just miss her more. I had the phone off the hook for 3 days so she couldn't call me because I was just trying to sleep ! ive been into the hospital half my life for just insomnia, they take me in for a few days and give me medicine to help me sleep now its 4:16 I'm wide awake to hubby snoring his butt off. I need ear plugs or something so he doesn't wake me up ive been up since 1 and went to bed at 9. that's with 4 freaking melatonin! those always help but not with him snoring next to me. I gotta go find my glasses now I lost them and I can hardly see to type sorry if any typos. me
  9. Is it selfish of me to self-grieve? I found out a few years ago I suffered a congenital lung disorder (restrictive lung disease/RLD, where your lungs are restricted from the outside from expanding to proper capacity whilst breathing). RLD eventually causes excessive pressure in the arteries leading to the lungs, as your body is starving for oxygen due to insufficient lung volume. The excessive pressure is known as pulmonary hypertension and is dramatically life-shortening. My doctors, at the time, said 20-30 years more and that was it. I was sort of glad to hear that, since 20-30 more years isn't bad, and at least I know to hurry up with my life. Over subsequent visits with doctors, though, worse and worse kept unraveling. We found last year that the RLD was caused in part by a chest wall deformity that should have been fixed when I was a child. When I was a child, none of my docs noticed this. This is not something you want to hear (i.e., "you could have been saved from death but your care team was too incompetent"). Particularly insulting since I always observed to my doctors that my armspan was much longer than my height, and that this could mean something wrong (turns out it does!). My lung vital capacities are around 30% that of normal (where 100% = normal). Statistically, 99.9% of people have a higher lung capacity than I do, at least compared to their oxygen needs. I'm in the "hazard zone" according to my current docs. One more bout of pneumonia is likely to be the end of me. I am getting thorough lung scanning (V/Q and all that jazz) done next month, although I don't know if I want to know the results. Maybe I'll just ration with myself that these doctors were as incompetent as the ones who failed to diagnose my thoracic restriction (though that's probably not the case). Then again, it's always wise to have prior knowledge that you're about to drop dead (most people, IIRC, don't have that privilege!). No, I didn't choose to be born with this crap, and I know that a lot of people have it far worse than I do. But these are things you don't want to learn in the middle of doing your PhD!!! It would be nice to hear from others who have suffered grave physical or neurological disorders. My lung disease I think has given me PTSD. Then again, being told your life is going to be rather short will give most people PTSD!!
  10. As per the title thread really... potentially triggering I guess. It feels like my life has barely moved forward in the last 15 years, I still have depression, crippling social anxiety and OCD and none of the treatments (medications/therapy) work. I dislike the course I am studying and I can't see a way to change nor do I have the energy to investigate. I have no friends and only a tiny family. Physically I also feel like shit and have done since about 2008 - muscle pain, fatigue, etc, etc. I feel there is some underlying pathology there but the doctors can't look past depression because the blood tests are basically 'normal' (I've had a few abnormal ones but these are dismissed). Feeling physically bad plays into the depression which then in turn makes the physical stuff worse. I feel based on what has happened so far in my life that things are unlikely to ever improve. I can't see myself ever having a job/earning my own living, moving out of my parents house, falling in love, having a family... etc. Basically these last little while I've just had enough and I am frequently thinking, almost fantasizing, about ways to end it all. Death is constantly on my mind and although I worry about what that would do to my mother I can't see any other downsides really.
  11. Three months before Christmas last year, one of my dogs acquired what is referred to a 'doggie aids.' The actual disease is a tick borne illness. He lost over 40 pounds in three months and died a horrible death on Christmas Day. During my dog's protracted illness, I was triggered and had frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images come to me about my father's abuse. One of the symptoms of the tick borne illness was bleeding. This triggered me the most with disturbing images of my father using knives. I cringed whenever the images bombarded me. After my dog's death, I slipped into a suicidal depression and slowly went down hill. I was not even aware of how bad off I was until I decided it was necessary to see a pdoc. It was the first time in my life to see one. It took three months to see the pdoc during which time I thought I would go off the deep end. My dog's death and how he died reminded me of the abuse and deaths my father forced me to watch. It struck a chord deep within me about the intense emotions I carried inside me. I kept repeating to myself, 'this will be my undoing.' I understood what that meant. I would start to grieve everything which happened to me. Though... I feel stuck in the muck and mire of depression and I hate it. I hate that feeling of not being able to move past this. My therapist asked me to write down my feelings. I thought I had none. Tons emerged. Mostly rage and sadness. I misunderstood his assignment. He wanted me to write down how I felt when a memory emerged. So the next week I tried that and found I could not shut off the memory. Once the door opened up I was forever reliving bits and pieces of the memories and not being able to shut the door again. The feelings kept coming; terrified, overwhelmed, anxious. Those feelings left me depressed again. My assignment this week is to write a grief letter about my mother. Now there's a huge ball of crap to write about. After she died over three years ago, I started to remember more abuse my father perpetrated on me. She was a narcissist and had OCPD. She was anal to the max about many things in her life and therefore my life. My mother had to control everything around her and everyone around, especially me. I was her scapegoat. I don't have to do any of these assignments. However, they would help me heal from my childhood abuse and that is my goal in therapy. I am the one who set that goal, to express my emotions, to deal with the helplessness I feel. It is almost Sunday and I have not even sat down in front of my journal software to write a thing. Half of my week gone and I rotate on it avoiding that assignment. And I am a prolific writer and I journal daily but not since this assignment. Yesterday, I expressed some of the things I learned from my mother with my two granddaughters. This rings a familiar bell though: the ability to express good things about the people who raised me and the inability to express the bad things about those people. I can tell anyone all the horrible things my mother and father did to me BUT... then I am stuck. I cannot express the horrible feelings I have for those people who violated me in so many ways. I am stuck in the depression I hate so much. The only way out is through those yucky feelings.
  12. I'm 40 years old. In my lifetime, I've lost four friends to suicide and another to a heroin overdose. I watched a close friend bury first her 18 year old son after a car accident, then her husband two years later when he lost his fight with cancer. Which is all to say that I'm no stranger to death and sadness. So I'm struggling to understand why, after witnessing all these untimely deaths, it's the passing of my 97 year old grandmother 2 weeks ago that has left me completely and utterly floored. She led an amazing life, she was an amazing woman, and 97 years is a good, long innings. There was nothing she left undone, her poor old body was providing nothing but pain, and she had verbalised many times that she was ready to die. But I'm shattered that she's gone, and I don't really get it. It's not that I expected to be glad when she passed on, of course not, but I did expect to be in a head space of being sad, but mostly grateful that she was no longer suffering (which she really was at the end). I guess part of this is that I don't know if I have the right to be devastated over the loss of someone who'd lived such a long life, when I have been witness to other lives cut violently short. I don't think this is making much sense, sorry for that. I suppose the logical response to these feelings is that I need to hash it out with a therapist, but I quit talk therapy over a year ago and now just see my pdoc. I'm really just wondering if there's anyone out there who could possibly have any personal insight they could share with me.
  13. I can see you all. I'm here. Why won't anybody tell me whats going on? When i think about death or dying I imagine myself sitting on the outside. I'm not realy there. Classic Mr. Scrooge
  14. Hi there! I'm working on my first essay for this term (yay), and I thought I'd ask your opinion on this topic. I have my research, notes, and my own ideas. But, I really value the ideas and opinions of others. So... My essay is to discuss this statement: For many people, death is a taboo subject in spite of the fact that it is of universal concern. I have to discuss a few points, but I would really like your honest opinion on Why is death treated as taboo? How might treating death as taboo affect the dying person and the grieving person? Fire away!
  15. Today at 3 a.m. I found out that one of my best friends, also my ex-girlfriend, had passed away of an accidental drug overdose. I've been crying all day but it's still not real, I'm expecting someone to tell me that it's just a fucked up joke and they were lying. That she's not dead. I always loved her and I always will, you never really stop loving someone. She had MI and I knew since I first met her there was a possibility that this could happen, MI and addictions don't go well together. I wanted to see her succeed, and you know, be adults together (we're 21.) The worst part is, we were making plans two days before. If I had gone THAT DAY I could have seen her one last time, but I didn't because I'm usually too anxious to go out, ever. Please, can anyone tell me what helped them when they lost someone important in their lives? And what is the proper way to go about offering condolences to her mother? We had a good relationship when I was more involved in my late friend's life. I feel like I should wait at least a few days, but also to bring her comfort food. Sorry if my post is inappropriate or something, not really in a good state of mind right now.
  16. I don't know how many people get through university so easily. It's so hard. I used to be smart, at least I got good grades. And I understand every topic in my classes, I can write circles around people, at least that's what my professors tell me. All these differences in opinion, all these 'at leasts' make me so confused. I can't even force myself to go to class anymore, to do my papers. I do them in my head but I can't bring myself to write them, I convince myself I'm going to fail anyways. There's a constant war in my head, logic telling me this is stupid, the other voice telling the previous one to shut up. All this controversy is making me feel hopeless. I've cut for 6 years, on and off, but this time it's getting to be the worst of them all. There's something different this time, it's not coping anymore, it's not trying to get better or take away the stress, there's a part of me every time that wishes this'll be the one- the one that's just too deep. And every time it gets closer, I feel that moment of relief, then panic, then relief. It's a psycho cycle. Uni is supposed to be the time of your life, and I feel like it's going to end mine. Am I crazy? Damn I hope not, that would just be the cherry on top of this disastrous thing we call life.
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