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Found 25 results

  1. Hello there, my name is Spokety. I"m having trouble dealing with my paranoia. I've been hospitalized way too many times in the past couple of years, especially recently. My symptoms are hard to treat because I'll have 0 paranoia and delusions for months and then all of a sudden I'll believe all these things and next thing I know I'm in a hospital. I've ran down the street naked a couple of times as a "protest" for what I believed was a government that was purposely trying to torture me using anti-psychotics. Another time I tried to go to jail by assaulting a woman in a grocery store. It happens so fast it's so hard for me to control myself and it seems pointless to see a therapist because I'm not paranoid at this moment so I don't know what to talk about. Therapists say that they don't think I can be treated without anti-psychotic medication but I've had some of my worst paranoid thoughts when I was taking medication orally or by injection so clearly that's not a solution. Plus I have side effects of medications that make life a living hell and I'd rather die then live like that. The only medication that doesn't seem to be as damaging is anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if those will even help with paranoia or delusions. I don't hear voices or have hallucinations which is good, but the other things I have are very bad.
  2. Hello CB. I posted before a year or so ago and now im back. I wish everyone good health. I was in the hospital and released last week. Ive been on Geodon for almost 2 weeks and take it at 8am and 6 pm, 80mg at each dose. A total of 160 mg daily. Everyday I get very tired around 11am till 2 or 3pm. The night dose doesn't seem to bother me as much. I take 900mg lithium, .5mg k-pin, 3.125mg corig (blood pressure), 60mg Cymbalta, fish oil, and vitamin D at 8am with the Geodon and take these again minus the Cymbalta again at 8pm, 2 hours after my night Geodon dose. I have taken everything except the Geodon for 6 months prior to the hospital, so I do not suspect the Cymbalta or lithium, I did start klonipin in the hospital but was on Ativan before that. I am wondering if the drowsiness will get better with time or if I should explore taking it all at night. The hospital Dr said I could take it all at night but I worry my jealous delusions may return in the day if I don't split dose. I have also read some people say they are real groggy and foggy headed when they take it all at night. Any one with experience please reply. Be well, Brandon
  3. Hello, Warning: This is a really long post. The weird/bad stuff: So, while my Schizoaffective Disorder is mainly controlled by 3mg of Risperdal twice a day, I still have some weird things happened that I was wondering if anyone else experienced. I hear people calling my name ALL OF THE TIME. I will literally be on the bus and someone will be on their phone through a Bluetooth or something and I will look up and say, "I'm sorry, how do you know my name?" or "Did you call me?" or something. I will be sitting alone and hear my name, watching TV and hear it on the TV, etc. Or I think people are talking to me when they are not. Same thing with people on the bus, walking down the street, etc. I just hear things that are really not directed at me. One time I thought a woman said I dropped my money. I looked around and asked her what she said. She looked at me like I had thirteen heads. Also, I still hear voices sometimes. They are triggered by certain things. I don't self-harm any more, but on the rare occasion that I do decide to shave my face, they ramp up. Or if I see any razors in the house. Also, in the bathroom, when I'm alone(which is a lot!), when I'm under stress, or if I don't get a lot of sleep. They aren't as intense as they were before. They are more...random. I've started to hear a British voice. I have NO idea what the hell that is about. I have just random chatter that pops in sometimes. They used to be more direct, more command hallucinations. Now it's more like this...hmm. I'll be totally fine and in comes the most random shit. I'll just be sitting there and, I wish I had an example but it's 5:40 am and I can't think of one, but a voice will be like, "Hawaii has warm weather and there's a chicken in the cupboard." What?? Another thing. I get random delusional/paranoid/strange thoughts. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. My brain has this ongoing fight with me that my room mates have cameras in the house and they are watching me to make sure I am doing well. I counter them with fact checking. I'd see the cameras, it's not realistic, etc. My brain also tells me that my room mate is watching my browsing history, what I type, my journal entries on the computer, because I am borrowing her computer and somehow she can control that. Also, IT'S NOT REAL. But that thought pops into my head CONSTANTLY. More stuff. I am afraid aliens are going to abduct me. I've had that fear since I was a kid. I am afraid that if I think about it they will just show up and take me! I kind of have this delusion that they or some other supreme being are in my head constantly. So, I've started praying. I feel like if I don't pray before I eat bad stuff will happen. I feel like when I do pray, good things happen. When I don't, bad things happen. Somehow, that it is connected to aliens because that is somehow connected to the all powerful supreme being. I feel like they are in control of everything and I am being controlled and punished. It is TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND NOT REAL. Ugh. The Good: Depression wise, I am doing the best I have in almost 6-7 years. My command hallucinations are under control, my suicidal urges are under control. I am motivated, taking care of my activities of daily living. I help my room mates take care of their animals, I do chores, I make appointments, I pretty much go somewhere in the city where I live via public transportation everyday despite my physical and mental health problems. I was in college and getting all A's, but had to withdrawal because of medical health problems. I am not letting my mental health issues stop me. So, I am thinking about bringing this post to my therapist this Wednesday. Honest opinions, folks: good/bad idea? Will I get sent to a hospital? I didn't bring it up to my Psychiatrist last week because I was afraid of being involuntarily committed or put on a sedating medication. My Psychiatrist is really nice and said if I needed to see her sooner, I could. I told her about the voices and that I didn't want to be put on another medication. She said it was fine. However, I am afraid that these symptoms will get worse and debilitating. I want to catch them while they are at the stage where I can handle them. Thanks for reading!
  4. With my recent med changes, one thing I have noticed is that I am getting less proper delusions which are, by definition, false and fixed ideas, and which for me are frequently very compelling, and more little thoughts that pop into my head which lack the force of delusions, are not really fixed, are only entertained momentarily if at all, and are only weakly compelling if at all but which at the same time are clearly paranoid in content; for every clear delusion I get I now get more of these kinds of thoughts. However, I have never seen a distinction being made between delusions and weaker thoughts that are still clearly psychotic in nature. So what are these? They are clearly different from thoughts I have had that were obviously delusions, but they are not things I would think outside of a psychotic episode. (For examples, contrast the thought I was having at Starbucks today, that someone would tamper with my tablet and/or my coffee if they left my sight for even a moment, which lasted the whole time I was there, and which led me at one point to dispose of my coffee because it had indeed left my sight, with the thought I had earlier today when I was locking up my work laptop and leaving for another part of the building that someone would break into my machine, where the thought appeared momentarily and then vanished without being entertained and with no influence on my actual behavior.)
  5. In the last four months and especially the last month, I have had many odd, sometimes bizarre, beliefs (ranging from non-bizarre ones like that everyone is watching me to ones like someone will poison my coffee if it ever leaves my field of vision to somewhat bizarre ones like that there is an invisible being in the toilet watching me or there is an invisible being watching me as I attempt to go to sleep) that pop out of nowhere, are false, do not really respond to reason, and which I oftentimes feel compelled to act on. An important note is I have insight. My pdoc and tdoc call these delusions, and I have used their language consistently. However I have had people from around here object because I have insight, since to them delusions necessarily involve a lack of insight. So if they are not delusions, what are they? (I should note that I am also hallucinating constantly, and that both this and the hallucinations have responded to AP in the past.)
  6. If a person is schizophrenic with delusions but is drunk the same time as experiencing a delusion can a psychiatrist tell if he or she is being delusional because of the mental illnes the mental illness or the alcohol? If yes or no please, if possible explain why you chose to answer the way you did. Thanks.
  7. I was crying and I then started hearing things. I couldnt understand what they were telling me but i knew they wanted me to hurt my self. I blocked them out and soon, I started to see visuals. They were showing me exactly what to do with the picture frame i had in hand. I realized i was pushing the glass out of the frame and i tried to stop I stopped for two seconds and tried again with more forceOnce i popped it out i became so afraid I tried to call for help but i couldnt speak and i couldnt move I grabbed the glass and tried to break it I failed I tried again with more force and broke it I was crying I was afraid i didnt want to hurt myself But soon enough the glass had cut my left wrist and more cuts were made I switched to my right wrist and once i had made a few slits the halluciations stopped I went to my mom and showed her my wrists She asked what i had done I didnt know how to respond She picked up her phone and called for help Few minutes later i heard police sirens and i cried to my brother to not let them take me When the paramedics arrived they cleaned my wrists and they walked me out to the ambulence I was scared. I didnt want to attempt to run away like i normally doOn my way out i felt my legs trying to move faster I made it to the ambulence safely Once i was in, The voices somehow communicated to me that they would kill me if i spoke about them so i remained quiet I dont want to kill myself and I don't want to hurt anyone else but the hallucinations take over and they control what I do... Help
  8. Hi everyone, this is my first post here. So about seven months ago I had my first episode of psychosis during my junior year at the university after heavy psychedelic use. I was tripping about 3 times a week for a month, I was using dmt, lots of mushrooms, lsd and morning glory seeds. The symptoms started slowly at first but progressed rather fast once they got started. At first I had thought blocking, which is where I would be talking about something and my thoughts would go blank mid sentence. I also kept my iPod on shuffle and thought God was sending messages to me through the songs that came on. I started to have superstitions about certain colors of cars or the cloths people were wearing. I started thinking about things before they happened and seeing 222, 333, 444, and other repeating numbers in random places and when I looked at the time. What started next, was I started feeling things that weren't there, was convinced I was the antichrist or someone similar to Jesus, and thought I was possessed my a demon. Then came the hallucinations, they started as just objects in the outside world moving and breathing and then they turned into "internal" visions where I would see things in my head like animals, faces, patterns, and vivid scenes that went along with my paranoid thoughts. Anyways I spent a week at the psych floor at my local hospital. Got put on risperidol, and went off of it and the symptoms got worse. And I thought people could read my mind and other language based delusions. Thanks to my loving parents I ended up getting on invega and it took about a month for it to fully take effect. I've been delusion and hallucination free for the past four moths but I've been battling pretty bad depression for the past month or two. It gets rough sometimes but I have a really good doctor and cognitive behavioral therapist I can rely on. The only thing that keeps me going are lots of cigarettes, good music, and how much my parents love me. Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope to contribute more to this forum. The rabbit hole goes deep.
  9. My symptoms are better since I can tell what is a delusion or when I'm delusional thinking. The problem is, I can't convince myself enough to let some of my delusions go or I'm obsessed about it. Sometimes I wish some of my delusions were real which leaves me depressed because they are not. There are times I'm concerned when will they finally be gone so I can focus on something else or live a less paranoid or obsessive live Would be great getting rid off it all and I'm wondering if someone with Bipolar 1 and Psychotic break downs did ever get rid off all psychosis and delusions. Every time I have a manic episode I get one or two delusions that take me years to let go, time enough to have a new mood episode. I tried some mood stabilizers and neuroleptics, now I changed quetiapine after a year and some months. I'm trying risperidone to see if it get's better but I'm already unsatisfied with effects like increased appetite. Is it possible using therapy, mood stabilizer and anxiolytics to take care of it?
  10. Hello Everyone- hoping for some insight from people who have schizophrenia as to how you experienced its onset. EDIT: deleted most details, gonna wait for my appointment :/ Thanks for listening if you have read this/or the previous version, and if you have anything to share, double thanks, Manny
  11. Okay, I have been diagnosed with multiple disorders and see a counselor weekly and a psychiatrist often. I was finally feeling back in control of my life after being unstable for awhile. But then I realized something.... Incidence 1: (Real) Me and my boyfriend are in the car on a busy road. We pull over multiple times because of cop cars, ambulances and what not. There were a few 'unmarked cop cars' that had sirens and blue blinking lights. (What I thought happened) Along with some ambulances and cop cars there were a few cars that were RACING! They had sirens so other cars would stay out of their way. The had blue lights instead of red and blue lights because they weren't really cops and just bought the lights online. I proceeded to tell my boyfriend that those cars were racing and he insisted they were unmarked cop cars. I proceeded to tell my roommates and their parents the same story and they told me the same thing. I still went on believing they were racing. (still kinda do) Incidence 2: (Real) I was watching tv and channel surfing in my room. (What I thought happened) Since I live in an apartment we get cable and antenna channels mixed together. Flipping through the channels I saw Islamic extremists yelling about something. Other countries can show propaganda on antenna tv. This happened awhile ago and I never told anyone until last night. Everyone thought I was crazy, I started thinking I might be having delusions. Incidence 3: (Real) Hung out with my friends last night. Went to bed about 1. (What I thought happened) Hung out with my friends last night until 4 in the morning. Got yelled at by my roommate for making too much noise so we went to bed. (This was my first thought I had and I was very confused and disoriented but soon put together what actually happened, except I don't know if we got yelled at or not) Since these incidents I feel very unsure and confused about what is happening with me. I am not sure if this is a problem and I'm really embarrassed to talk to my counselor about it. If you need more info to give better advise just ask. Thank you!
  12. Lately I've become rather convinced that anytime I say something out loud I "jinx" myself and cause it to fail. For example, if I were to say "I'm going to see this movie tonight" I feel that by saying that I will cause some unforeseen circumstance to derail my plans. My logical brain wants to believe it isn't true although I can actually name several instances in which things have gone awry only after I voice these plans to others, or even if I acknowledge them to myself. It's reached a point at which I am afraid to even think about certain things too hard for fear that I will ruin my own life with my thoughts, but my damn bipolar mouth prevents me from disclosing details about my life and plans before I end up saying them to someone (or several people depending on how manic I am). Then it always gets messed up somehow, like I was excited to take my sister to a meet and greet for one of her favorite bands for her birthday, I was so pumped that I told several people about it and then...yesterday the band announced that the event is 21+. So I'm convinced now that this happened because I said it aloud. Anyways, I can't quite tell if I'm having delusions or what's really going on is several unfortunate coincidences. I am now questioning things from my past like "did that relationship end because I was so sure that it wouldn't?" or "did my band break up because I told so many people that I was sure we would be successful?" or "did that friendship end because I was so confident that it would last forever?" or if I mention any creative pursuits to people I will suddenly lose interest in completing them. It's strange and fucked up and I'm literally becoming too paranoid to think my own thoughts or to voice them to my loved ones. But again, my bipolar brain causes me to spew these things aloud and ruin things for myself. I probably sound crazy. By the way, I'm taking 200 mgs of Lamictal and am still having episodes as I don't think my doctor and I have found the right medication(s) for me yet. Hope you all are having a good new year so far, and I would appreciate any feedback or similar experiences you all can offer.
  13. hey, i just need some advice and support, i suppose. I was going to post in the schizophrenia forum, but i don't have that diagnosis. in the past year, i've gotten increasingly more paranoid. i used to sit up in bed and stare into the dark corners of rooms, looking for i dont even know what. made me lose a lot of sleep. uh, the main fear i have is that somebody is going to try to murder me. there's nobody obviously trying to kill me. but sometimes i feel like im not alone in my house, and every little noise sounds like footsteps. i've talked to my therapist about it and he tells me its all in my mind. which i completely understand! yet, when it comes down to it, i get very scared and its making it very difficult to concentrate and go about my life. i'm just wondering if anybody else has problems like this, and what i should do to stop that fear from creeping in. thanks lots, good vibes
  14. yeah I do wonder what is going on with me, I just got kicked from chat for saying my dleusion in response to someone talking about liking grandeur delusions...so the archangels built a monument for me for my gettinng to familiarise myself with their part of the universe, they also introduced me to my astral lover on a different part of the universe....not going so strong now since I got switched to orals and am not taking them except using rauwolfia to clam down the excess of dopamine receptors from my time adapting to the various antipscyhotic I been on for the majority of the time for almost 4years exept for occasional glimpses into the astral from refusing treatment. so a long perieod being treated before I started coming clean, a release of a track on the radio from celbrity lover gone by and she returend again and lifted my socks up for an astral voyage she triggered across the cosmos. so what gets me in trouble is I confessed to having a celbrity astral lover after she released darkhorse, but dreams of the star make me think otherwise, she is always very distant even if I try to get her attention of my identity but no response, she doesn't know me and listening to darkhorse on repeat is just for the entertainment, it rocks she talks about this guy who plays with magiuc and once your hers there is no going back....this is apparenlty just delusions and erotomania, its actuallly a secret I never should have confessed tooave me haloperidole, I kept experienceing the astral some good things like no longer seeing the celebrity after she turned nasty at my iatrogenic state, so I was able to replace her with a far off galaxy somewhere with my ET bride, I met her before I went to haosptial that time just in her form like a butterfly outline creature but her true form is a gorgeioua human form, too gorgeiaus to be able to see, I talked about her to my demise and how she made me orgasm and I was getting turned on despite the haldol and achieved orgasm without touching myslef the pleasure was that immense, so I talked all about it, silly me so endud up with rapists wanting her attention even though they sohould just get their own astral lover, people do stuff they wouldn't usually on the astral because they don't think its real, but its real for me and I don't like people raping my girlfreind. so it was good taht down hera on earth i acchieved an orgasm, I just wanted to get off antipscyhotic so I van have sex drive with her, but she faded dunno what theat means, she was just making my life more interesting with the iatrogenic anhedonia was good, but as I said she is nolonger really a thing anymore since starting the rauwolfia and my last injection, you would think that just using a herb insteasd of antipsychotic would mean I be able to experience the astral, I still get trips and found out last night its not really abbout the weed but periodic thing, I was better able to control it with breathing exercise. sorrty I edited, so back to the initial crisis that got me hosptialised, shit was going down because of sleep deprivation really so I appeared easy to be psychaotic because sleep deprivation is just a symptom to them, but back to the clebrity she did me no harm other then keeping me up at night with her astral presence and erotic shit and playing around with magic andastral sex, maybe she contributed to my hostptiatlaisation after 6years freedom from psychaitry, just wanted to be upfront and honest about what was going on for me so I told the shrinks at the hosptail I had for refusing treatments not so long ago[hence lucky to be put on orals really-they trust me - so I not game to educate them about rauwolfia incase they stumble upon what I been writing on the net about it. I am stoned now and that is the best I can do in this state of annihilation of thought process's thats been happening...I just wanna go back to normal....so what happened with the celbrity is the crutial part once this time she satyed with me during hosptail and I betggeeed her to keep me going on the astral, I introduced her to god like beings I had been meeting on the astral and we kept it going, just in the form of occassional trip out attacks I get when stuff tries to make me astyrlaly project but its hard now antipsychotic make me fear the astral, things turned sour and we divorced the relationship , but I miss it you know...coming off theiinjection I would usually be experienceing dher love and it was a relaly good thing, maybe too much if you take a listen to darkhorse..that shit just gets me in troulbe and should be finnished talking about it, it makes me sound crazy when I am infact not, nothing really challenges me at all I feel safe and shit,....so I got blocked for talking about my astral adventures in chat, don't really know why what would you think, I am getting told to disccuss it elsewhere but I am cast out of anyinterest groups because of pscyhaitry so thats no good, and seems chem and Koa don't wannea hear about my schizophrenia, I think I have it, at least thats what I gotta tell the shrinks to get off this damn CTO.
  15. hammock

    travis bickle

    I watched [i]Taxi Driver [/i]recently and was kind of stunned at how much I identified with the character's longing for a "real life", for the sort of flat affect...when I lived in the city I felt like that, like the world was an egg I ought to crack open. I had some similar delusions about "saving" people from their vices. I lived in a really shitty neighborhood for a long time. I often got angry at the way people treated each other on the streets there.

    © resonanteye.net

  16. I am a concerned daughter that is trying to get help for my father and looking to hear from people who may have similar experiences or advice.. My dad has always had some problems.. Substance abuse, PTSD, depression, unable to work for many years. At the time this specific issue started he was relatively stable... Not working but living on disability and rent assistance. But he did have a lot of stress going on with my sister and a failed relationship with a woman he really cared for. This was about four years ago. He used adderall and suffered a psychotic breakdown. He thought Herman Melville, the author of Moby Dick, was communicating secret messages to him and that he was going to get a book deal and be rich and famous. He thought people were following him and tapping his phones and trying to destroy him. He wanted us to find his ex-girlfriend and bring her to him because she was the only one who could save him. We had him committed to an inpatient unit by a crisis team. He was not happy, felt betrayed by us and resistant to any treatment. The hospital refused to talk to us or even hear what we had to say about what was going on bc of privacy laws. They gave him a script for seroquel and discharged him within a few days. Of course he never filled the script. And we felt that there was no where to turn at that point, we just had to live with what was happening as best we could.. Hoping that maybe it would stop. It did calm down. He was a lot quieter about everything, but the delusions still existed to him. Four years went by of this with periodic outbreaks from him. Sometimes he would cry and say that he was suffering so bad and just wanted it to stop but his ex was the only one who could "free" him. Other times he was enraged and angry. He tried to run people off the road or chased them in his car many times because he thought they were attacking him. He thought animals were talking to him and giving him signs. He thinks numbers and names have hidden meanings and messages to him. He believes world events and weather are influenced by him. He says that when people question him it causes children to die in the world. Finally. I became fearful and exasperated enough to know that we had to do something before something very very bad happened. I went to the probate court and became his conservator of person and got a warrant for an evaluation. He has been on an acute unit for only a day so far. He thinks I am evil and trying to stop him from his "work." He told my sister he is the seventh patriarch of Buddha and wants her to send a request for asylum to japan for him. Yet, when his attorney from the probate met with him he seemed completely stable and reasonable to the man. He is a smart man and can act normal a lot of the time. I am so afraid he will be able to trick the doctors into thinking he is fine. I guess right now my hope is that if he takes some meds for long enough he will realize what has been happening. Is there a chance that even meds can't break a psychosis that has been left untreated so long? It is a really scary situation. If he doesn't get help this time I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty that I didn't have the courage to get him help sooner. I just want my dad back and I want to free him from this hell he has been trapped in for years now.. Sorry for such a long post. Any experiences, feedback, advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.
  17. hello everybody, i am new to crazyboards , and was wondering if anybody else has the same feeling about numbers as i do , or a similar one ... for example , 23 follows me around and i don't trust it . two is a tattletale and whiney while seven is a golden godsend that seems pure and can be put anywhere and it will still make sense . please let me know - do any of you understand what i am saying? i feel very strongly about numbers and want to know what the rest of you think of them . does anybody else feel that numbers have personalities and sometimes are 'talking to you' ? thank you very much everybody . best wishes to all of you
  18. Hi! I'm really glad that I found this site. My current diagnoses are BP I, BPD, and ED-NOS. Those labels have changed throughout the years, but I believe these diagnoses describe me the best. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 18, following my dad's nervous breakdown the previous year (he was dxed with bp II). This last year I was able to get A LOT of DBT and that helped my BPD enormously. Although I'm not taking my medication regularly, I'm doing really well. I've been hospitalized about a million times and I've been on most of the meds (or so I've been told). As for that disclaimer I see people giving: I am not a doctor... but when I'm delusional I start planning my path to med school. That should count for something, right?
  19. I know that sounds incredibly silly and irrational. But I can't shake it from myself. I'm genuinely concerned. I keep thinking that it happened through my clothes, or from touching a dirty doorknob and then going to the bathroom. I can honestly think of hundreds of ways it could have happened. It's one of the strangest moments of hypochondria (would it be that in this case?) I've had. Despite knowing full well that it is physically impossible, I'm trying to induce my period early. I've considered buying a pregnancy test just to prove myself wrong and get over it. But I'm terrified to actually go through with that or go to the doctor because part of me honestly believes that they'll tell me I'm pregnant. I'm trying to rationalize why I'm afraid of this or what brought on this thought. But so far, I'm just yelling at myself and hoping it will stop on its own in due time. I don't want to admit to anyone that I'm freaking out over this either. What's a good mantra to tell myself this is all in my head? ((Sidenote: this is my first post outside of an introduction, if I've done something wrong please tell me so I can fix it! Thank you ))
  20. Hey...i've just recently been put back on medications. Before i was put back on them i was very delusional and was experiencing light hallucinations. Now that i am on them...i don't really hallucinate, but i am still very paranoid and delusional. I am starting out with 1MG of Risperidone. I am also under lots of stress. I keep feeling like someone is out to hurt me. I don't have a founded, sound reason for this...but i am absolutely afraid!!!! Unexpected things happen in my life all the time and i just feel like something is going to happen to me :'(!!! The best part about it is that i usually know whats real and whats not. But this line right here is quite blurry for me. I always feel like ppl are staring, yelling, or laughing at me. When i walk down the street i nearly spin around in circles trying to make sure no one is behind me. I just feel overcome with worry and anxiety. I am getting ready to finally move into my first place and i think that's what's setting me off. i can barely function. I came home tonite to drink...its been a few hours since my last sip so i am going to take my meds. But idk what to do...i'm supposed to see my doctor in 2 weeks. i hope i last that long!!
  21. Hello everyone. I'm new here, and I have a question. I'll provide some background info afterwords for clarification and to avoid conflict. To keep it short: I have a neuropsychological eval scheduled in a month to determine if I have a personality disorder. In the meantime, I've been talking with my psychiatrist weekly. I've been trying to explain a "feeling" that's sort of in-between a dissociative symptom and a delusion, and I'm not quite sure what to think about it. Here goes: I have this "idea" that I am nothing (I don't exist), and that the rest of the world is something (the world exists), albeit an inane and senseless something. I think that I'm trapped in my body and the world, and my existence in the world is forced down its path by the fact that I'm stuck here. I can't commit suicide because I'm already nothing, so if I do commit suicide, I'd remain nothing and the world would still be here, which is the same as when I'm alive. I have this more-or-less constant desire to annihilate all of existence, which leads to me hating everything, but especially people. I think that if everything else would stop existing, I would finally be free from being stuck in the world where I don't belong, and I'd finally be at peace. Now, the tricky parts: I think this is different than a dissociative experience, because sometimes I have a very distinctly dissociative experience where I feel like my body is acting on its own and I'm a spectator, etc. But the dissociative thing is a pretty clear feeling, where what I described above is more of a thought or idea,backed up with a very constant but subtle "awareness" that I'm nothing, etc. But still, I know that it's a weird thing to think, and I'm capable of acknowledging that it could be a delusion of mine and it's not based in reality. But I still think it's true. So, the big question: Does this count as a delusion? (I'll keep talking to my psychiatrist about this. I just wanted more thought on the matter.) Background info: I was originally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but last week my psychiatrist told me to look into Bipolar II and report back. Everything about Bipolar II fits my experience very well, so I expect I'll be diagnosed with that come Tuesday when I meet with her again. Also, my psychiatrist thinks there's a possibility of either Asberger's syndrome or a Cluster A personality disorder (from my limited research into the subject, the description of schizoid personality disorder describes me almost perfectly), but I haven't been actually diagnosed with it, so I don't want to stick that label onto me without an official diagnosis. Thanks everyone.
  22. I went to see a doctor who deals with psychosis. She told me that I didn't suffer from it, but from ADHD. I now have an appointment with another psychiatrist after an episode which ended up with me going to the hospital and them giving me a months worth of Risperidone I don't feel 'right' most of the time. It happens randomly, it's never circumstantial really, though sometimes when I'm stressed/anxious, but it has to be pretty bad. I thought my boyfriend was replaced by a government spy, or just someone else. I thought there was a swat team outside my bedroom another time. There was a 2 week period I would hardly leave the house because I was convinced someone was tracking me down to kill me. I starved myself for a 2 weeks because I thought there was an alien in my stomach and if I ate I was feeding it. (I ate enough to live at least. lol) A lot of the time I think my mom or dad or brother is going to kill me. There's lots more, I just can't remember them all at the moment. The thing was, the woman who said I didn't have psychotic delusions said so because I can recognize them. I know something is wrong when I have one, but I can't help but think its real at the same time. I'll stop eating, block my door off, etc. Whatever the delusion/fear is I react to it like its real. Does that make sense? But lately, in the past month, it has been worse, I'm having a harder and harder to recognize that I'm having an episode. So that means she can say I have ADHD? I'm pretty sure I don't. I'm going to talk to a new psychiatrist about me more than likely being bipolar. What do you guys think? Can it still be psychosis if you can tell it is?
  23. :Trigger: Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm being watched and controlled by outside sources.Demon's or the gods and goddesses are trying to control me.And then I start feeling like I'm going to have a grand mal seizure.I haven't had a full blown seizure since I was 18 but I feel like I could in this state.First my legs start shaking then I start getting dizzy and I feel like I could have a seizure.Then I feel like I've hurt someone that I've loved then I leave the place ASAP and then on my walk I feel like I'm being watched and controlled by external forces and I could go into a full blown seizure.I am 44 years old now.I had my last full blown seizure when I was 18.And while I'm going through these things I feel like hurting others in particular my rapist from six years ago.It is not a pleasant feeling and I know it.Can anyone help me.Has anyone else experienced these feelings. Maybe I should tell my pdoc Dr S.
  24. I often get what I'd term 'mini-delusions'. They run a duration of anywhere from a few hours to a few days and then they leave. Before and after, I'm quite aware they are delusions. During, however, I'm 100% convinced that it is the gospel truth. Like, last week I had a few days where I was certain my work PC was putting thoughts into my head. So, my question is, are there techniques to help me 'ride out' these delusions? I'm currently concentrating on de-stressing as much as possible.
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