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Found 18 results

  1. I've been experiencing depersonalization frequently recently but I don't understand why. I probably don't fit the criteria of depersonalization disorder so the only other reason I could experience is if I used a psychedelic substance, which I do not. I've been wondering if depression is the cause of the depersonalization as it often, but not always, happens during MDD episodes. Could this be correct?
  2. I feel it is my ultimate goal to depersonalize once and for all my life was a living hell until 18 when I hade a life changing drug experience and realized I was fucked up next day I was setting up a visit to the psychiatrist I am very introspective and realized what I hade better than ay outside source could tell me I hade bpd mixed with a family history of bipolar ouch now imagine the most emotionally sensitive and vengeful woman on steroids and lock her in your head the mind can only take so many temper tantrums before it pulls the old 1930's era divorce from its self which it did I am terrible driving a car almost maimed my family one time they had me drive on the highway big mistake also had 5 or six really close calls I zone out in the car while driving I am constantly almost rear ending people also I have what is considered the thousand yard stare if we are standing 3 ft. away I can split you into two like double vision here come the question have you hade similar experiences and what drugs help you and what drugs make your dp worse also can you think clearly while you are dissociated how much do emotions factor in on your decision makeing process
  3. I hope this is the right thread for this. Today we took our kids to an Easter Egg drop. There were sooooooo many people there. We had 5 of our 7 kids with us ranging in ages of 4 year old twins, 10 year old, and two 13 year olds. When the "hunt" started, one of my toddlers disappeared into the crowd. We knew a lot of the people at this church so at first I didn't worry because I knew he would reappear as people moved. When he did not, I started to worry. After several minutes I was bawling and trying really hard not to freak out. In one of those moments my perception of everything around me changed. It was....wavy? vagely blurry? It was different. I felt foggy. I don't really know how to better explain it, but nothing felt real (and still does not). We did eventually find him, he had wandered off to another age section of eggs.... <3 I have had this unrealism happen off and on since I was a teenager. It lasted much longer at a time then, but the first time I remember it happening I was around a lot of people then too. I'm categorizing this as a part of my anxiety flaring up. I just feel like I "cracked" if that makes sense. I feel like I am kind of on a precipice of sorts, but I am watching everything that happens from a distance, or through holes in a wall. I am confusing myself trying to explain this lol. How do you cope with this? What does it usually mean for you? What generally causes it for you?
  4. Has anyone become numb, severely depressed, "blank" minded after ECT and recovered? I wasn't depressed prior to ECT, and the "ECT specialist" thought I had a "rare form of Bipolar." After my 5th bilateral session I started to feel "off" and different, and subsequently plunged into a deep depression. A few months later my mind went "blank"/silent after experiencing strong negative thoughts and emotions, and now I feel totally flat (this was becoming gradual until the blank mind), disconnected from my self and others/family, etc. Has anyone experienced something similar and recovered their emotions and "self" again?
  5. Anyone else experience this? It's like I have no automatic thoughts at all, nothing "driving" me - complete loss of automatic inner monologue. I feel totally flat and emotionless - except for negative emotions and fear because of this state. Has anyone recovered from this?
  6. WFF earlier I was in my boss's "office room" & anxious OK then all the sudden tripping? Like it's not real trying to hold it together just weird image was distorted like an acid trip. What ?
  7. I have fairly frequent episodes of dissasociation or derealization. I daily take mood stabilizers, antidepressant, and anti-anxiety meds. I have had many years of psychotherapy. My pdoc has been of limited help so far. Does anyone know of medical treatments for DD? This is really disrupting my life, personally and professionally. Any info is appreciated.
  8. Sup guys, I"ve been taking luvox, klnopin, and lamictal for Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization since 2009. This year I decided to try some stimulants to help with my dissociation. Adderal and Ritalin helped but caused pain. So...I recently went down on my luvox by 50mg for 7 days (I take 150 daily so I dropped to 100, skipped the afternoon dose), then the plan was to try straterra if no withdrawal type symptoms persist. I tried the straterra - and ever since I've had nothing but racing thoughts, mania, songs playing in my head, etc. So I stopped the straterra (obviously) after 2 days, and went back up on my luvox (I didn't think that the luvox was the problem - but i wanted to get back to where I was which was VERY VERY manageable) and I'm far from that right now. Despite re-starting my luvox, I'm still having mania and anhedonia like symptoms. No pleasure, etc.... I'm hoping that this will just take some time to pass. I'ts been a week since I've gone back to my regular Luvox dosage and I still don't feel the same. When I can focus and stay on point I'm okay...but otherwise the thoughts wreak havoc and I'm really not excited or looking forward to anything! I think the combination of going down, trying something new, etc. has just wreaked havoc with my brain and I have to get my chemistry right. I know Luvox is also a very hard drug to come off due to its short half life, so perhaps its the decrease in my Luvox symptoms that caused this? Or Straterra? IDK. Any thoughts?
  9. I've been on a course of Luvox, Klonopin, and Lamictal since 2009 for the treatment of a very rare Dissociative Condition (Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization) I "inherited" in 2008 (due to Zyprexa withdrawals and medication mismanagement by my Psychiatrist at that time). Since that time I've been very lucky to get the proper diagnosis and receive treatment that is in tune with the University of London Depersonalization Research Institute and have had some very good Psychiatrists and Neurologists work with me. However, now in 2016 I've tried to improve my quality of life and productivity by adding "stimulants" to my regimen to help me be more productive and less sedentary all of the time. This is also in line with some Dr.'s thought on Chronic Depersonalization (Such as Dr. Alan Torch in the book "Feeling Unreal" - as he finds it helps "lift" people who suffer from Dissociation out of that state and closer to reality - along with the SSRI and Klonopin - which is a staple in treating Depersonalization). I tried Adderal - which was great - but exacerbated my facial pain syndrome (another condition I have) - so I had to discontinue. I tried Ritalin - which was GREAT - it helped with my depression, ruminations, and my productivity - however it too exacerbated my facial pain - so I had to discontinue. I met with my Pdoc following this and was very distraught - as these medications were helping me reach my full potential. So I asked if i should lower my Luvox. I currently take 150mg (50mg 3x daily) - to see if that would help with the sedation and apathy I experience (after being on Ritalin it was easy to see how sedentary and apathetic I really am) - we also discussed the addition of Strattera - given it is a stimulant but won't stimulate the central nervous system so it likely won't exacerbate my existing facial pain. The plan we came up with was to lower my Luvox by 50mg - skip the afternoon dose - so I would continue with my 50mg in the morning and 50mg at night. I was to do this for a week and THEN (if no problems were present from missing this dose) begin the Straterra. I skipped the Luvox afternoon dose as planned - and for the week I was "okay" other than a few days I didn't have any excessive ruminations or songs playing in my head or depersonalization like symptoms. Then I introduced Strattera at 18mg. After 2 days I stopped - It caused me to depersonalize more and additionally it caused EXCESSIVE ruminations - songs playing in my head, words repeating themselves when I'm watching TV, before I say something in person I'd say it in my head, and so on. It also made me feel "weird". It has now been 2 days since stopping the Strattera and I am still experiecing these symptoms and more - although I can focus and I do have similar symptoms like this from time to time (when my depersonalization is really bad) I've never had it be this consistent (although I'm not full blown depersonalized which I know all too well - its a horrible horrible thing to lose your sense of self - this is something different - although since I'm stuck in my head partially there is an extent of depersonalization and derealization involved). I'm also experiencing dizziness, anxiety, and I can't stop these ruminations. My questions are - 1) Could this be the Luvox withdrawal? Despite feeling "okay" during the first week - is it possible that it took a week or so for the withdrawal affects to kick in? From what I've read Luvox should be titrated very very slowly - not at a drop of 50mg but from 10% of what your dose is - over a longer period. My Psychiatrist is quite good so I'm quite alarmed at this advice. 2) Since I introduced Strattera which seems to have exacerbated and/or caused this - could it be the Strattera? And if so, why is it still continuing when Strattera has such a short half life? It should be out of my system by now! I only have 2 options - wait this out and see what happens - perhaps the Strattera is still playing havoc in my head - whether its in the system or not - but perhaps its exacerbated my existing ruminations that were well..."at bay". Otherwise, my 2nd option is to reintroduce the Luvox 2nd dose and see what happens. I would have been down to 100mg for 9 days. Had I not introduced the Strattera after only a week of lowering my Luvox dose it wold have been easy to see that the lowering of my Luvox is causing this and I would have just gone back to my regular dose. However Strattera was what really exacerbated or caused this - so I'm not sure what to do - Any advice would be appreciated! Thru my research I’ve found that Strattera can cause “mania” in some patients which it seems what I am experiencing – along with the other symptoms I’ve mentioned above. So I’m not sure what to do. Its almost afternoon and I'm REALLY considering just taking the Luvox afternoon dose (going back to my regular dose 9 days ago) just to see if it helps. I figure worst case is I'm going to be dependent on the medication for this kind of thing but if it helps and gets me back to where I was PRIOR to this - then I can live with that. But I can't continue like this! And then, if it does work - in the future I can plan a LONG LONG titration of Luvox (I'd like to go down by 50mg, but I sure as hell won't be going down 50mg like I did) I'd go down very slowly on my afternoon dose. So is it the Strattera or the Luvox? And if I introduce the Luvox (even though I was okay during that first week and before introducing the Strattera) how much harm would I be doing? I've been on that dose for over 3 years so I figure It could at least provide me some relief. I feel like the affects the Strattera brought on aren't getting better but getting worse - so perhaps its a combination of withdrawals from both drugs? Not sure. Please help. Really suffering right now guys.
  10. When I started derealizing last year, I had an impulse to buy cigarettes for the first time, and idk if it was the placebo affect, but I found that they helped ground me a bit. I started derealizing again recently and tried smoking them again and found that they helped a bit. It's funny because when you smoke them they make you sort of dizzy and you're stumbling...but they're also a stimulant I was just wondering if other people find that they have helped or made it worse?
  11. Alright--first post, so bear with me here. It took me about five minutes to figure out what to type after that sentence. As much as I'd like to write a memoir on this forum about my insane drug-induced disordered life, I'll try to make my questions simple. Really, I couldn't decide if I should post in this thread or the OCD, social phobia, depersonalization, or addictions one. I used to be a crazy, outgoing kid that loved going out in public. Pulling pranks on people in grocery stores and getting in trouble at fast food drive-thru's were my favorite hobbies. I had been like this my whole life, up until I started using marijuana when I was 16. A few years into my addiction (that's what I'll call it) I had some sort of psychotic break in one of my high school classes. I was on venlafaxine at the time for depression; anxiety was never an issue. I've read of all sorts of these depersonalized episodes due to cannabis use (especially when using as an adolescent). These reoccur and are something I'll have to accept until I find a cure, hopefully. I gave up smoking the day it happened, which was three years ago, and haven't touched it since. The only why my psych was able to help me out was by prescribing clonazepam. It was a blessing until, you know, I got hooked like everyone else. It seemed to slow me down a bit. It took the edge off, but being a socially gimped zombie wasn't what I wanted. After a year I wanted to speed things up, so that's what I asked for; Adderall. I started at 30 and was at 50 within a month. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a better psychiatrist. But, I asked for it, and I knew what I was getting myself into. Whether I have ADD or not, I enjoyed Adderall and have been taking it for over a year (clonazepam for two years). After tolerance built up though, all I was left with was blue hands and feet. I've gone down to 40 milligrams and am really hitting the wall. I need to get to the point; this is only the addiction portion. My life now: I rarely leave the house (or even my room for that matter), take college courses online, write, and draw. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't want to. I do fear conversations though, or people in general. I can't make eye contact with anyone, lose my words between each sentence, and can see myself from their POV. All of this makes me (or how I see me) look like a stuttering, paranoid person with schizophrenia. The only times I leave the house are when I have to, and I rarely take my Klonopin during the day due to the zombie hazes. I have a feeling the Adderall has contributed to a mix of OCD and OCPD. Matter of fact, I believe all of the symptoms that make me a completely dysfunctional individual are due to drugs. The weed started the engine and the pharmaceuticals added fuel to it. I'm trying to wean off of everything slowly right now but it's still a disaster. I just want to be able to make a simple phone call without writing down what I'm going to say first. I'm tired of leaving earth at a family dinner. And I'm tired of needing to carry a pocket-full of pills everywhere I go, if I go. Any comments, questions, or answers to why I define every anxiety disorder in the DSM-5 will be greatly appreciated.
  12. Hello all. I have posted in a few different spots, mostly because I have no idea what is goin on with me :-/ 5 years ago I had an episode of derealization/depersonalization that lasted for 6 months strong, but then another few months after that before I felt better. I never got to 100% though. Prior to this episode, I was already on 100 mg zoloft and 20 mg geodon (was put on this because zoloft wasn't working. I actually felt horrible on just zoloft, sweaty and I think aggitated- geodon was amazing. I felt an immediate lift in spirit after my first dose) that I had been put on after giving birth to my son in 2004. I went through severe post pardum depression. 4 months into this episode, after several trial and error meds (including ADD meds) I ended up on remeron, 15 mg at night, 7.5 in the morning. This medication, although not a miracle, was a Godsend. It gave me back my sleep and my appetite which in turn began my healing. I was also put on ativan (the ativan story gets complicated. Hopefully I can find a concise way to write it below) This episode left me so fearful of everything that I became a very anxious person unlike the care free spirit I was prior to this. I believe I have pstd form this experience. Fast forward to dayday....This past October things started to go wonky. I stopped sleeping, almost literally. I noticed I was getting bizzare OCD thinking. I couldn't let stupid thoughts go. Like I'd think of somebody and couldn't remember their name and it would haunt me until I could figure it out. Through October and November I had a few dizzy spells that, looking back, were precursors to what was to come. the beginning of December I went to pick up my ativan- same manufacturer I had been using for 4+ years. (it took a long while to find a manufacturer that didn't spin me out and make me feel like I was on crack- I know this is weird, but my body almost always responds opposite to meds. Sleeping pills wire me etc etc) I ended up on 1 mg Ranbaxy brand lorazepam (ativan) 3 times a day. This particular lorazepam didnt really seem to do much for me. It didn't spin me out or really relax me. I think it was more of mental feeling of it helping me but I'm not sure. Anyways, when I went to pick it up, I found out the Ranbaxy brand was no longer available. Ugh. After researching I learned that ranbaxy had been charged with a felony for many reasons, including improper testing of meds and fudging numbers to the FDA. They ended up having to pay 500 million dollars in fines and civil suites. I tell you all this because I'm not sure if the lorazepam I was taking for 4 years was a much lower dose than I thought I was taking, or if it was even lorazepam at all. Ugh. Soooo....I started taking the lorazepam that the pharmacy carried by Qualitest. Immediately I didn't feel right. So then I tried Watson brand, then Mylan bramd then name brand Ativan. They all seemed to make me feel kind of wired and spun. My thoughts were very scattered. But I kept taking the pills afraid of withdrawal, but was exerimenting with slightly different doses trying to get it right. Then a few days before christmas, I lost it. I felt a "shrill"- almost an electric adrenaline feel- go over my body. My heart was pounding, I had to pace around, I was dizzy and the detached surreal feeling set it (I feel like I'm on LSD all the time -I experiment with psycodelic drugs when I was young) and my body and mind have been completely stuck in "fight or flight" ever since. I've been this way ever since. My symptom are long and horrible- vertigo, shaking, impending doom feeling in stomach, headaches, so sleep, can't eat, nervous all the time, emotionless, upset stomach, noises are pound to me, especially voices and my own voice, my head feels kind of "buzzy" all the time. I need uo checking myself into a psych hospital to see if I could straighten outy meds and get some sleep. I tried a few different things, but not too much as I was afraid of doing anything drastic. We tried to add an extra dose of 20 mg geodon in the morning, but I was too scared to take the 2nd dose that might, so I never was able to play with this. We upped my mirtazapine by 7.5 mg and it did nothing. Tried to add trazadone for sleep, but it didn't work. The more I took, the less I slept and my blood pressure skyrocketed. They took me off benzos completely, but the night terrors and middle of the night panic attacks got worse. So here I am. I am now taking a total of 1 - 1 1/2 mg name brand Ativan a day. Still on the same geodon, zoloft remeron. My pdoc tried 25 mg seroquel on me for sleep. I took it this past Thursday night. But the night I took it, I was up all night and the next day I felt completely dead. So I didn't take it again. But yesterday, 2 days after taking it, I had a relatively good day. But I'm not sure if the seroquel would have anything to do with it. I don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday I thought I was coming out of the woods little. Besides the vertigo I felt pretty good. But last night it was the same. Up most of night because of being awoken by horrible night terrors and full blown panic attacks attacks. It's scaring the hell out of me. I just need some relief. 5 years ago Remeron seemed to help quite a bit. But I'm still on it and having this horrible episode. I've read that Anfrinil has been used successfully in some derealization patients. Has anyone taken this with any success? becasue I'm already on Zoloft and remeron, I'm not sure they can add anafrinil (seritonin syndrome?) Is this an activating drug or can it be calming?? Would upping either my geodon or zoloft be a plausible idea? I so scared right now. Am I stuck like this forever? I don't think I can handle it forever:( I just need sething to help calm me down. The ativan doesn't really seem to help, it just helps me from adding withdrawal symptoms to my list. Am I bipolar and going through. Manic stage? Is is depersonalization disorder? Ativan withdrawl? (but the first time I don't think it was from ativan- but maybe it was. I had only been taking it for a few weeks on and off before the episode started) Extreme anxiety? I just don't know and the doctor doesn't know either. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid I will never go back to my old self and that I a stuck like this forever. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated
  13. Hello all. I wrote in the anxiety section earlier. Just realized I should have posted my story here first. I've been dealing with various levels of anxiety and depression since I was a child. I have had trichotillomania (hair pulling) since I was 9. I am now 38. I suffered an pretty severe 3 + year bout of depression after giving birth to my son 10 years ago. But nothing has compared to what in going through now. I'm in a living hell and need some relief. In mid October I stopped sleeping. Total insomniac. Then I went to pick up the only lorazepam brand that I have been able to tolerate the beginning of December (ranbaxy) and found out it is no longer available. Ugh. I tried 4 otter brands including name brand Ativan and they all seemed to spin me out and make me hyper and scattered. On December 18th things went south. I suddenly felt very detached. My mind became racy and I started panicking. I was thrown into a state of depersonalization/derealizarion (feeling detached from reality, but being aware of it) and have gotten progressively worse since. I've been detached, my personality is gone, stomach issues, my body and mind are stuck in a "fight or flight" state- feeling horrible anxiety 24/7, can't concentrate on anything (conversations, tv, reading) I can't eat, I can't sleep, and when I do fall asleep for a moment, I'm awaken by night terrors. I pop up sweating, heart beating out of my chest and the "pit of doom" feeling in my stomach (I have this all day all night) it's horrible. And I have vertigo which seems to blend in with the depersonalization. After Christmas I checked myself into a psych hospital, but nobody there knew what to do or say about the derealization/ depersonalization and vertigo. I am currently on, and had already been on, 75 mg zoloft, 22.5 mg remeron, 25 mg geodon ( I have the 5 mg compounded) and a VERY small dose (100 mg) of liquid lithium citrate- VERY sensitive to medications. I have noticed that when I take all these meds at night, around 5, about 2 hours later I get a little relief (not a lot, but some) Things calm down a bit, but at midnight, like clockwork, all symtoms return and I'm up all night with intermittent night terrors and severe anxiety. My legs, arms and jaw are tense and hurt. My stomach is in knots. While in the hospital we thought to try the meds during the day too, but sadly this didn't work. Also tried to add trazadone for sleep, but my blood pressure skyrocketed and it didn't seem to help with my stubborn insomnia. We also tried to add 25 mg mg of seroquel. 12.5 mg at 5 pm the next 12.5 at 8 pm. Didn't help. May have made my symtoms worse. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he told me to try seroquel again. so I just took 25 mg and hour and a half ago, but nothing. Anxiety through the roof and I'm not sleepy I had an episode similar to this, but not nearly as severe, 5 years ago. At the time I was only on zoloft and geodon. After 4 months into the state and many trial and error meds, I was put on remeron. Although symtoms were by no means gone, I got my sleep back and my appetite. This was the beginning of a slow recovery. But now I'm back and worse than ever. I need to sleep so bad, but can't. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just can't take this feeling anymore. Another thing is that I almost always react adversely to meds which makes things hard. All sleep meds wire me. Benzos even wire me. Ugh. I just want this to stop. Is there hope for me? Will this ever go away? It feels like im going to be stuck like this forever:( I'm so scared. I'm sitting here now, after the seroquel feeling complete anxiety and not tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't function. My husband has had to take off work to be with me and take care of our son. I'm worried this is going to keep going and he's going to get burnt out and leave me. And I can tell my son is weirded out by me:( I just want to find something that helps like the remeron did 5 years ago. I need a break. I've read Anafrinil is a good possibly for derealization/depersonalization, but I don't think I can take it because I'm already on 2 seretonin drugs, zoloft and remeron and there's the seritonin syndrome issue. I believe this is what happened to me in the hospital when we added trazadone. Any advice, help or encouragement is greatly appreciated. Am I going to be this way forever?
  14. Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this on, as I'm new to the site and haven't been diagnosed as DD. I've been diagnosed as Bipolar NOS (major depressive episodes and mixed episodes), but I know this forum will have more experience in answering my question... A while ago, I was experiencing a mixed episode and started cutting again. I hid it from my boyfriend, but eventually I knew he would find out and told him about it. He completely, completely freaked out. I'd trusted him and something just snapped inside me... The next thing I remember is being pinned down on the bed, wrapped in a blanket and my boyfriend asking whether I had calmed down and he could let me go. He was bruised and bleeding from me attacking him, but I have absolutely no recollection of doing this. It's not like I simply felt unreal or detached from myself. 'I', my sense of self, had disappeared and something else took over. I would never do things like this in 'normal' circumstances when I did not feel so deeply threatened and betrayed.This is the third time that something like this has happened to me in 5 years (I'm 21). It's not regular, but it's really damn scary. The amnesia surrounding these events is complete and irreversible. Even when they tell me what happened and I try to remember, I don't remember. I've done some reading and it seems like this isn't even 'normal' by depersonalisation/derealisation standards. Has anyone on the forum experienced this?
  15. Sarcasm. My diagnosis as it now stands is bipolar 2. I'm not really sure anymore, but last night I experienced this intense "episode" and I'm left wondering what the HELL that was. I'm just going to post the description I wrote in my blog later that night. I have all the control yet none at all. Sometimes every moment is torment. Sometimes I am not real. I struggle opening a bottle of Ativan and fight with myself over if I should take one pill or the whole bottle. I writhe in mental pain and rip my hair and try to crush my head between my hands. I curl into a ball on the floor only to immediately pull at parts of my body as if I’m trying to rip them apart. I open the window for air and contemplate flying. None of this is real. I am not real. I sob and shake and wonder how the floor isn’t collapsing. Those times, it isn’t worth it. I pray to a god I’ve never known to free me. I think about the hospital. I think about people who can help me but stop because they can’t. There are voices in my head that I can’t hear, I just feel them. There are too many stuffed into one mind and they are angry. They are always angry. I am not real. Nothing is real. I have all the control yet none at all. Truth is relative. Reality is relative. How do I know what the fuck is true? What the fuck is real? Also…what the fuck is wrong with me?! I have all the control yet none at all. This all happened after a day of feeling AMAZING. Just a little while before it happened, I took a stand and was set on the proposition that I have no mental health disorder, I'm fine, and I'm going to stop taking my meds because I'm just being dramatic. Now, I have bad days, bad nights, bad fleeting hours, moments, etc., but this was the most excruciating combination of crazy and I want it to not exist in my life, ever. Any input?
  16. I’m currently an undergrad studying English lit. Enrolling in university was a huge step for me and I’m glad I took it but I worry a lot about my future. Tuition isn’t cheap and the amount of debt I’m in is increasing each semester (not that anyone needs to be reminded of that). I’m not sure if English lit is the right major for me, I like to read and write but I don’t know if getting a degree in it will be helpful for my future and eventually getting a full-time job. I also often feel out of place in my classes. The people around me seem so interested and passionate about classical literature, etc. I’d rather stay at home and re-read the same YA lit books I’ve been reading for years. I’m not passionate about anything save for napping, television show marathons, and Diet Pepsi. Chronic depression zaps my zest for life. I don’t have many options. There are some obvious interests I have like psychology, sociology, women’s studies, social work, political science, but none of these lead to a career that I feel I can handle. I don’t want to be a professor or go into academic research. Psychology and social work – I love these in theory, but in practice, I’m not sure I am capable of handling the kind of intense human interaction that is generally involved. I’m a very rigid and anxious person. My strong suits are reading and writing. I’m very terrible at maths and hard sciences (serious dyscalculia), and dealing with people (just socially inept in general). Can anyone relate?
  17. Today has been a very... interesting day. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my previous dissociative, depersonalization and derealization episodes. Last night, I was doing some research on DID and came upon the fact that different alters can have different handwriting. This shocked me to my core. This is something I (we?) have been doing for a very long time. Drastic handwriting changes began happening when I was about 10, around the time of my first serious trauma. I already knew of one person inside my head-- Doris, the persecutor. I know what she looks like, and I know what she sounds like (she talks to me in my head all day, in fact she gets angry when I talk about her, and is telling me to delete all of this and not post it). But this morning, I started going through my old journals--specifically from around 2002-2007. What I found made me sick to my stomach. I spoke of myself in the third person consistently, I even made note that I seemed to have two personalities (2002). Then I began to compare handwriting, and there are around 4-5 distinct types of handwriting, each very different than the other. I started to take notes on the (assumed) alters' personalities. They are all very different people with very different beliefs, drives, and interests. I have identified 5 alters thus far (including Doris, the persecutor). Ida is a protector/defender and is always angry. She is very strong and tends to come to the front when I am arguing or very mad about something (I do not deal well with anger). She is the most active. Julie is excessively hypersexual, angry, and well-versed in both writing and reading poetry (I wish I could write the way Julie writes all the time). I believe she was out front (on and off) from August - November 2005, and then seemingly present for all of 2006. I believe she first came out around 2003. Unknown #1 is cruel, masochistic, and prone to self-harm. She has written extensively about hurting me, and refers to me as if I am another person. She never writes "I", she only writes "she" and "her". Unknown #2 seems to be my "inner child": severely depressed, frightened, lonely, and suicidal. In 2003, I remembered sexual trauma that had happened 2 years before. I had completely forgotten it had happened. And let me be clear: it did really happen, as I have confirmed with both my parents and the actual perpetrator that it did. In that journal entry, Ida is writing. It makes sense, I suppose, as she is my protector. Any time my heart was broken, someone made me mad, someone said something terrible to me... Ida wrote. Not me. I've had issues with dissociation and derealization for as long as I can remember. I also "space out" at least 10 times a day: I stare into space, thinking about nothing. I am never aware that I'm doing it. This can last from 10 seconds to several minutes. My partner can try to snap me out of it--sometimes it works, sometimes I have to "come to" on my own. I guess you could call these trances, because that's what they feel like. (Small note: These are not seizures. I am on a medication for my mood swings that doubles as an anti-epileptic). However, I don't "lose time'. I do have regular nightmares, and had very severe night terrors as a child. I still get them occasionally, but they are few and far between. Concentration is not a word in my vocabulary. I am extremely forgetful and misplace things often (for instance, this morning I found a box of frozen tacos in the cupboard, and I have no idea who did it. My partner says he did not, so I assume it was me, or one of me.) I guess I just wanted to share this, as it's scaring the damn shit out of me. Does anyone have any advice to add, or does anyone have any similar experiences?
  18. so hey yall this will be my 1st post I have read this forum for around 5-6 months but anyways her is my story and maybe some of you all can help me figure out what I have....it all started with skunk weed "the purps" if anyone wants to know the specific strain or watever.....so I toke like 12 hits and I was really really high at first I got a pleasant happy feeling then I got up and started walking around and I noticed that the room started moving and my vision would like skip frames and I panicked and told the friend I was smoking with about it and he sayed to just calm down and that I was just high but I felt like running away so bad....so that happened and I saw things like you would when you go to a 3d movie all super close and the background far away......anyways I just waited it out came back home and went to bed and the next day I got up and was fine at first but then I noticed it felt like I was still high so I had work and I noticed I would get really racy and panicky at work and I felt like the world still looked like it did when I was high and stuff....i was freaking out as u can imagining I thought I had got brain damage somehow...till later I learned about people getting depersonalization from weed and that it was quite common so I was a bit relieved....got tested with eeg, cat scan, mri the works and everything came back normal.....but stil I felt lioke I was in a dream so I just said to myself this is probably temporary and I will get over it and toke time off work to let my mind recover and I didnt go to work for like 2-3 months and I exercised aswell...so I returned to work and I felt crazier than ever I couldnt connect with my work friends like I used to it was like I had some kind of mental block between me and them that I couldnt crack ...I went to get thearopy and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and I would get this attacks where I felt like I was losing control of my mind and I couldnt focus on the present and my senses would be heightened for those brief moments which would never last for any longer than 30 seconds tops.....I thought they might be some kind of panick attack but I dont know wtf those were....so the dp and dr persisted and I got such bad anxiety at work that I had to quit my job and out of the depression and worthless feeling of not having a job my mind started racing uncontrollably...(well not really uncontrollably cause I could bring myself back down by running and exrcise) so I did the next was go the medication route...my psychiatrist saw my present racy mind and told me I was hipomanic even though I didnt feel happy at all....I felt scared and miserable...she perscribed me saphris and xanax ..but told me that xanax I should only take for one week.....so I did and at first I felt instant great relief....but after that one week when I went without xanax I got the worst week of racing thoughts ever I coudnt think straight I was very jittery....so she put me back on xanax but I felt like I zombie and I noticed I was so dulled out on saphris I couldnt even socialize right with my friends....so I was put on geadon and it at first made me feel even crazier like it amplified my derealization....and I tapper up to 60 mg and felt like absolute shit plus I read that antipsychotics cause brain damage so I decided to take myself to only 20 mg of geodon....then the racing thoguhts and even this odd fear feeling of statues and posters and such came so I got myself back on geodon 60mg and I told her this and now I felt even anxious when I was on geodon and my head would hurt and I had the same disconnection..even though I was on medication....was wasnt the cause before I had my withdrawal...at the end of my time with geodon I felt even paranoid like someone was looking at me all the time or something and I was suspicious that people were talking about me behind my back but not that bad it was copable..so I was most recently put on latuda 80 mg and I felt fine execpt the slight dullness which I absolutely hate with a passion....and around 2 months went by and I was fine and I got tired of the dullness and tolled my phychiatrist about my complaint with the dullness and she lowered my dosage to 60 mg of latuda which somehow made me more dull and made my anxiety feeling come back and head aches come back as well...and I also my paranoia didnt return but i felt more like If someone would do something to anger me I would take it more personally and be more anger than I normally would be....and now to were I am now....I must state that I have a deep fear of schizophrenia and developing it.... so yesterday our manager at my new work had a meeting about us not doing so well at out jobs in terms of our sales were down and I just suddenly felt like he looked like a weird monster or something and I panicked and it felt like that time I got paranoia but I really didnt have paranoia at that time.....and later I went home and i was watching some video about effexor and the lady seemed like a little troll her self...mind you I didnt hallucinate it I didnt really see them like trolls or anything like that or monsters but they gave me this weird vibe that they seemed like straight from a scary momvie or something and while I was eating food last night my food aswell seemed like wierd or something like it looked brighter and seemed like this bunk even though it was regular food....so I went back up to 80 mg of latuda imediately and this is where I am now any helpful advice or suggestions as to what it is that I have qould be appreciated as I am tired of this and the meds I hate cause they make me feel so dull...thanks for reading my long and complicated ass story lol please reaspond!
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