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Hi everyone, So I've had the worst time since Wednesday, my depression spiraled out of control which lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts. In this state of mind I took it out on my dog who I love the most in this life. She really means the world to me, but I did get violent (that was Friday morning) by Friday night I was feeling like the worst thing on this earth. I cried so much, felt so much remorse and even selfharmed in order to pay for the damage I had done. Went to bed feeling better. This morning I woke up feeling like crap again so lost and helpless which I can try to deal with but now I have very graphic intrusive thoughts about harming my dog. I'm so terrified since I can be very violent, I am not a bad person. I love all animals especially my dog who I adopted with so much illusion. Now I'm devastated and so scared. I don't know how to get through this, about three years ago I had really bad intrusive thoughts about death, but never about harming one of the beings I love most in my life. I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog. Anyone has been through this before? I have appt with my doctor by EOY, but in the meantime I want to find some peace of mind and of course not hurt my dog. I'm sorry for this awful post, I'm so sad, I love animals, do lots of activism and charity for them, I'm even vegan how did I end up in this situation with someone I consider my baby girl. I have 2 other dogs, but only my favorite one is triggering me to do bad things. Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.

So I don’t know how to come out and say this ...... but life has been driving me slowly even more mad and I’ve been looking into killing my self using vet medicine ......... but giving my self a plan and a date gives me peace I don’t know

I have binged as far as I can remember, eating in secret all type of food that was "not allowed", just because I could at that instant. If it was then needed to have two dinners, I did for nobosy to notice. Then I moved to eat as much as I could when I was alone. Finally, in the unciversity I crashed, and I got topiramate and fluoxetine for my anxiety and depresion. After that I got better, but I gained 30 kg that I haven't been able to lose (200 pounds, 5" height). Now I am in treatment again with lamictal, and waiting for therapy for the binge eating. i have got the different steps to start working on my own (diary the food, eat more meals, plan the meals ahead, etc.). But I just don't do it. How can I be so stupid? I plan my meals but then I have a hamburguer instead. I pack to swim, or decide to walk but I just don't do it. It feels I fight against me, and I just gain more and more weight. I am starting to have problems to do the dayly things, I now I could die for this... But I do nothing. I really don't know how to stop destroying myself.

I had a VA appointment last friday, and at the appointment I had to re-enact a couple of horrific times when I was in Iraq. Long story short, we were driving, we were hit on the right front side, by a roadside bomb. There were four of us in the vehical. I was sitting behind the driver & I was the only one who surrvived somehow. As soon as I noticed the explosion we were already flipping, next I can remember calling out names(of the 3 that were in the humV with me), No one was answering, as I looked to my right there was a body...... ok well lets just say it was really bad, really really bad. Anyway ever since I had to do the re_enactment, I havent been able to eat, barley sleep, which im used to, but I can't stop bein sooooooooo jelous to my fiance, she has never did anything wrong to me in any way. I really dont have any friends since I stopped drinking a year ago, all I have is my fiance, and I am soooooo happy that I have her, if I keep this jelousy crap up shes gonna leave me, and than theres nothing stopping me from buying rope. has anyone elese had to do a re-enactment and how do you get back to norm? I do wish she would almost baby me, but I don't want to ask her, I kinda hope she'll figure It out on her own? what do I do, and is it normal for me to question her every move from ptsd?