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  1. uhh so during summer i have nothing to do except draw and play videogames all day so i stay up all night smoking weed and watching netflix and youtube and i go to bed at like 5-6 in the morning and its terrible for me. I just woke up and its 4:25 in the afternoon and i cant get myself out of bed to go eat or brush my teeth. I feel like im made of stone or something. Even grabbing my laptop to write this felt like a challenge. I sound like a pussy lmao. Uhhh i just want to feel like im not empty and i can do things without feeling like shit about it. also school starts really soon and i cant keep this up.
  2. So I'm going to make this short and sweet for you all. Lately, I've been suffering big time with depression. I find it hard to get out of bed the past week. It's a miracle when I make it to shower. Even then it's only for like 10 minutes. I barely eat, sleep has been uneventful. It's either I wake up every few minutes or I sleep too much. There's no in-between. And I only leave the house for appointments. I know the answer may seem simple... get out of bed. But it's becoming increasingly difficult. Does anyone have any advice? Is this just me?
  3. Any thoughts on using sam-e or a sad light with a bp1 diagnosis? I’m not depressed and stable but really struggling to get out of bed and low energy throughout the day. A quick google search says Sam-e and using a sad light can trigger mania if you have bp. Is this still a risk if on two mood stableizers and an antipsychotic? My pdoc is against supplements other than omegas, vitamin d and a multi. Currently on depakote(tapering down to go off of), lithium, and seroquel.
  4. So when my parents first found out about me self-harming was in 6th grade I was bullied, my parents were getting a divorce, and my parents would always yell at me for everything. Well I started to cut myself a lot and one day for the gym I was dressing out and a girl had seen my arms and told the counselor that then told my parents. My mom and dad both told me I was selfish, attention seeker, and how they're disgusted with me. I told them I was bullied a lot but they said they didn't believe me. So from then I just would hide how I felt and I had stopped cutting for about 2 months until things got bad again and I started to cut where no one can see, and I still cut today. I'm depressed at 14 now, but I don't have anyone I can go to to get help without having my parents fucking call me a disappointment.
  5. I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work...
  6. I posted this in the depression board and no one was recalling finding it so I'm moving it here. "I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work..."
  7. Hey I am an 19 year old male who has recently began to lose his mind I used to be a witty charming teen starting out until I was bullied into becoming a social outcast. I dated a girl with bi polar disorder and she made me go on an emotional roller coaster with her until I got fed up and left her and then I was made to look like the bad guy I lost all my friends and now live in perpetual fear of losing control over a situation or lose friends. I left High School only with bitter memories, no one wanted to be associated with me and ever talked to me because they felt sorry for me. in college I entered at 17 years old, I was in Army ROTC my grades weren't the best but I had friends finally and a good activity to do. I ended up dating a girl who mentally abused me and even bullied me into feeling inferior she even blamed me for rape when she changed her mind about what we did the night before. I was kicked out of ROTC and lost all my friends again. With nothing left I did what any sane person would do. I joined the Marines shipped out for boot camp and endured almost 3 months of hell until one day I broke both of my legs and parts of my back after a training exercise. I came back home feeling like a failure again. I let all my friends down in my platoon because I couldn't finish I came home back to an overcrowded apartment with 11 people living here with my parents. I've been in and out of work I was academically dismissed from college. No college has even responded to my submitted applications and it's been 3 months I can't live anymore knowing all throughout my teen years everyone else was happy and I wasn't I was always going through something. Recently I've been having thoughts of suicide, my romantic interest joined the marines too and has diverted her attention to someone else who suits her more because I'm a nasty civilian and she's a marine as she puts it dating sucks for me because I don't know what to say or how to act and I always get the awkward silence to kill everything for me I can't afford to move out of my parents overcrowded apartment I've lost all my social life (what was left of it) and so I've come here to ask for help because counseling didn't help recently I've been so depressed and feeling so helpless and worthless like I'm taking up space, I've been eating less and staying holed up in what I call a hell hole with only games and myself to keep me company almost like if I've hit rock bottom and this is the end of the line. Me a grown ass man cries himself to sleep every night while during the day I wear a fake smile and fake emotions just to seem normal
  8. So I'm going to court in two days over some criminal charges that I have from last year, since then my life has changed dramatically. I've got two court appearances, one in two days and i don't have a date for the other one, for this one it should go well but i'm extremely anxious and stressed about it, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with anxiety and stress related to this? The second date which i don't know yet will hopefully go well but there is about a 1% chance that I'll be sent to youth detention, its very very unlikely but that 1% chance is making my anxiety living hell. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Thanks Asho
  9. Hello, I have diagnosed residual psychotic disorder - substance induced subtype, generalised anxiety disorder and social phobia. I'm 24 years old, female. I'm taking currently 100mg of Sertraline (Zoloft), 75mg x 3 Pregabilin (Lyrica), and 10mg of Ability a day. I was on Seroquel (Quetiapine) before, but due to side-effects I switched to Abilify. I've been on Abilify for roughly about 5 weeks now, having increased from 5mg to 10mg after 2 weeks in. Within a week of increasing my dose to 10mg, I've become really depressed. The pain is just unbearable throughout the day, until the evening when it becomes cope-able. Until the next morning where the cycle restarts all over again. I'm finding it really tough. I've tried many things, the general advice given for depression, but nothing really improves it significantly enough to give me any kind of relief whatsoever. Its been like this for roughly about 3 weeks now. Has anyone else had this experience with Abilify, and was it something that went away with time (and how long did you have to stomach it out for?), or was it there to stay? And how old were you when you started? Any input whatsoever would be extremely helpful. Many thanks, RedMeeko
  10. this is going to be long but i really need someones help, or advice, or experience. im an emotional wreck. so let me give some background information. Ive been on antidepressants since I was 15. I also suffer from anxiety. Ive been on zoloft before and effexor xr. I stopped effexor xr a few months back and switched to wellbutrin. Effexor was making me tired, fat, and just dulled me. It was then my pdoc suggested wellbutrin xr. From the start it was a hard medication for me to adjust to, but I really wanted it to work so I gave it a try. After a month or two I felt great. The side effects were gone, and I was happy. But about a month ago my anixety went haywire. I thought it was maybe making my adhd worse so I started taking adderall again. (I stopped for a short while because I had got up to 60mg a day and was wrecking my body). Adderall didnt help and if anything, my anxiety was worse. So about two weeks ago I stopped taking my wellbutrin. I was frustrated and Ive never tried to stop taking meds to see how Id feel. I wanted to get back in the gym, eating healthy, and give my body a chance to heal itself. I went about it all wrong. First I was just taking my ativan twice a day for my anxiety. It was working well. I didnt feel doped up or weird, just normal. And then I went back on my adderall. 5mg 3 times a day. Sometimes 10mg twice a day. Id feel great for a short time, and then crash and have to take more. So my doc suggested adding adderall xr. Tried that for a day or two but it made me extremely tired. So I tried taking it with a 5mg IR and then 5mg later in the afternoon. I still felt extremely strung out at the end of the day. Like I spent the day doing hard drugs. Id be so wired and anxious, so that then Id have to take my ativan at night. And now that is where Im at. I take adderall during the day, and around 5 start to feel terrible. Im anxious, nauseous, dehydrated even though ive been drinking water, and i feel like im coming down off crack. I come home, and take ativan. Im rx'ed 0.5mg but last night I took two and today I took 2 again, and then another one about 30 minutes ago. Im sick to my stomach over this. My mind doesnt know what the fuck is going on. Im up, and then Im down, and then at the end of the day Im mad at myself for doing this. I get home and feel like a zombie. I cant enjoy being with my husband, or my dog, or anything. Im so wired and fucked up and then I just want to cry. I want to stop. I dont want any shit in my system anymore. Tomorrow (like today) Im telling myself I wont take the adderall. Its just easier said then done, especially when I wake up and Im tired and sluggish, and just feel on edge because theres still adderall in my system. So i take one, and then feel better. And say ok, Ill take my next dose, I feel the crash coming on. Im scared. How do I do this? How do I detox? I know last time I stopped adderall cold turkey it was awful. I was a disgusting, tired mess. I was anxious. I had no motivation. To add it in, Im scared that if I stop my ativan at the same time Im going to be putting my body in double shock. I have been taking ativan on a daily basis up until recently, so Im hoping there wont be withdrawals, but I also know I need it for the anxiety - but I dont want to get dependent on it. What do I do? How do I get through this? Please someone help me. Im a manic mess. My husband got me flowers last night with a beautiful note, just because, and I cried because I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to be healthy. Please help me. Im desperate and at the end of my rope
  11. Who here has had a very lengthy remission? I ask because when I was a teenager the idea was tossed around I had bipolar. I've then had 10yrs of a very wonderful and enjoyable life. Last June just like a switch went off I was having panic attacks, depression, and thoughts of leaving my husband and times my kids. I've been on brintellix since October and had a great month and half starting in January. Then went back into a depressed and anxious state. At my last appt with the pdoc it was once again mentioned that I could have bipolar. So is it possible that I do, and had a long remission with no meds and had a relapse? Last week I was having a horrible depressive phase. I was also sick. Now I'm better and been having great days, or possibly a manic episode. Interest in sex, feeling good,getting stuff done. I guess we will have to wait and see how long this "good" last to see if I was just having a depressed phase from feel like shit physically or if I'm cycling. I pray it was just from feeling sick and I'm not having magic episodes, and yet if it is indeed a manic episode I will attempt to see the good and that it is making itself more seen that I do indeed have bipolar, even if it does seem to be rapid ccycling.
  12. Im fairly new here. I've posted once but been a lurker for a couple months. I feel like I want out of my marriage. Maybe not necessarily a divorce, just out. Is it the depression causing the feelings or is it causing the depression. How do you figure it out? A little back history. We have been together 12yrs, married 5 next month. I've had a wonderful 8 yr remission for it to come creeping back in about 2 yrs ago when I became pregnant with our second child. Not because I was pregnant, she was planned but thats just when it started to creep back. I had been ignoring it for most of that time til this past June when out of no where I was hit with MASSIVE panic attack, and was ready to send myself IP cause everything in my life just fell away after that. I lost 14lbs in 2 weeks, I finally went to the dr and was given Xanax and Celexa, I took the Xanax but not celexa as I saw it was related to lexapro and It made me so zombiefied years ago when I tried it I could not get out of bed. I saw another dr which put me on wellbutrin, tried that for about 4 weeks but it made my anxiety hit a new time height. I quit it cold turkey and was maintaining a steady state since the middle of Aug until about a week ago. I also was able to get in to see a pdoc in Aug, she gave me a rxs for Brintellix which I finally started last Friday. Along with my depression and anxiety/panic comes the obsessive thought of needing to leave my husband. The thoughts included leaving my kids when the 1st bout hit in june. I cant pin point a reason WHY I want to leave so bad. We were having issues in the months leading up to my fall out, but honestly I think it was my depression and I was just not acknowledging thats what it was. I was holding tons of resentment towards him for an incident that I shouldn't have, and I was honestly just being a major bitch towards him. While he has struggled to be majorly supportive directly towards me through this I know he is trying. He comes to counseling with our pastor over this, and even though he is HIGHLY against meds (I actually am too) he hasnt said a thing about me trying the brintellix. He does for the kids in the evening when I have trouble getting myself together. He doesnt really say much. But I know he is scared, and hurt as I have been completely open with him about my feelings. He is an AMAZING father, a good husband, he is very loyal, and though he doesnt show it well he loves deeply. I have always struggled with he thoughts of him loving me, more then I can love him. Id pick him time and time again to be the father of our kids, but Im not sure I'd marry him again. I think I would but im not sure... Mainly because I feel like I dont deserve him. Im just struggling so bad with this thoughts. They make me feel SO guilty. SO horrible. I cant imagine not having him in my life somehow, he is my closet friend. Its like im not "In love" with him. If I left Id worry all the time about how he is, and if he moved on Id probably be upset. I hate the idea of tearing the family apart. Im sure our son would have trouble with it. SO WHY are these thoughts so OBSESSIVE. why cant I get them to leave. I wish this would all go away and I could just be happy and content with my little family. Not to mention if I left Im left with very limited options. Im a stay at home mom and havent worked in 4 yrs. So I could go to my parents. We have a so-so relationship and im not sure how welcoming they would be. Possibly my Grandfather, though im sure I catch heck from my father for that. Other then that.. not sure what Id do. Has anyone felt this way and made the marriage work and eventually be content with their life? How do you tell if its the depression talking, or the situation causing the depression? Is there a way to bring back the "in love" feelings, or at least make this work and not always feel like needing to leave?
  13. I'm not 100% sure this is the best place to vent out my feelings, but I've joined anyway. I'm a person with a lot of problems. I have anxiety, an eating disorder, and severe depression. I often feel lonely and suicidal even. I'm not gonna get into that right now though. I've been on one other forum before, though I stopped, not sure why. Now I'm rejoicing because problems have popped up for me, I feel like I'm at a breaking point, and I do know there are so many people out there struggling, and way more than me. Some of you have bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I sympathize with you indeed, I'm not typically looking for the "it get's better line" I need solid advice. I know I am mental, I have terrible thoughts, I feel stupid, guilty, and uninterested. Worst of all I have the lowest god damn self esteem ever. I hate myself and the way I look, I've been at 90 pounds and still felt ugly. I hate my face and my body. Hell even my hair, anything. I truly feel worthless. Okay so I'll stop, I think you know why I'm here now... I really hope to help others AT LEAST, if no one knows how to help me. I've heard it all from "Just eat." when I didn't want to, to "Get over it" to "You're not ugly" (without further explanation or thought) and even " you don't have depression" I hope I will not hear these words on here. In fact I doubt I will, people who have depression know better than to tell these things to someone else. Anyway, It's early in the morning I believe, in a couple hours I'll be off to my personal hell. So, all I'm looking for is someone to help me cope, someone to talk to me when I'm borderline suicidal. Anyway, I hope all of you have a good night/morning/evening. I will try to get some sleep now before morning... Goodnight <3
  14. So this has been on my mind for months, mind you I haven't acted in anyway, shape, or form to commit suicide or want to die, it just brews in the back of my mind. Is wanting to die equivalent to wanting to commit suicide? Some day's i just want to die, but not hang myself, just die. Car crash accident, or something like that would just happen. I'm fairly strong minded, but given that it's what has been on my mind for months and that there are those days where I just want to die first thing in the morning, has raised my own question if i should seek out a professional again to help me through this.
  15. I've had enough. Enough of playing fair. Enough of being the responsible one even though I'm not. I'm tired of trying. And this isn't about suicide. It's about not wanting to keep going. My wife and I are both PTSD and depressed. I add anxiety to the mix. We have two beautiful adopted children who are great kids, great grades, good people. I would never do anything to hurt them or hold them back so I will keep going on. I am capable beyond most people. I can't be as good as I could because I can't. But I've had enough of bad people in our lives shitting on us. I am struggling where to even begin. We had a great counselor for several years and then her husband was relocated. She works hard to find us someone she thought was right for us. But we didn't go because my wife wasn't ready for the change. Our P-doc flaked on us but she had more problems than we do I think. I defeat myself over and over. I am the go to guy. For my wife, for my kids, for my Mom who is 94 and had a stroke and now a broken hip. She lives with my brother a long way away. But I took care of her for years and she goes from not knowing me to doing guilt trips with my head. I am going to get a new counselor real soon whether my wife will go or not. She wouldn't go the first time until I went without her. We are so broke. Her Mom died who had quite a bit or money. We took care of her for 15 years. Then my wife's sister jumped in at the last minute and turn the mom against us. She now controls the estate and has has arranged everything so she get most of everything. The lawyers say there is nothing we can do. Her Mom owes us $90,000.00 which we sill never see. I've had enough. I may come back and read responses. I think I just really had to "say" it so I can go forward. Thanks for any replies. Maybe I'll come back.
  16. so, i developed this weird thing i guess when i got off of antidepressants. i used to be able to dress like i wanted when on antidepressants. i could wear my hair long and in my face and wear my band t shirts and generally not be aware or concerned about how i was looking. NOW off of these antideppresants i've developed this kind of ocd type thing. i don't know what it is. if i wear a shirt with any kind of picture or writing on it i become aware that it is on me and its like there's a giant tarantula on my chest and i just have to scrape it off. it becomes so unpleasant and distracting that i can't focus on conversations or be comfortable. sometimes if i have had the nerve to fight this new thing I'm having and have the audacity to put on a shirt with pictures and go out and talk to people, i'll have to go in the bathroom and turn my shirt inside out or put on a jacket and return to the party or wherever and then i'll be fine. someone might say, "well just don't wear shirts with anything on it!" the problem is, i can no longer dress like i want, or express myself. i can only wear very plain clothes or shit gets weird. my psychiatrist and psychologist don't even really have any idea why this is going on or what it is. and i don't think they are aware of how much it bothers me. and it bothers me A LOT. and the same goes with my hair. i have long hair but i can't wear it how i would like cuz things get "weird." like i've described. sometimes i just want to shave it off. so, does anyone have any idea what the fuck is wrong with me???
  17. Jealousy is fricken crippling me. Me and my beautiful girlfriend started our new semester at school and ever since it started I can't help but to feel jealous about every little thing. I'm talking infidelity jealous; not "I'm jealous you got that new pen and I didn't". My girlfriend and I have a great relationship and neither of us would ever cheat and it's not even just the cheating. The male professors, and any male she's around or brings up makes me infuriated. I know these feelings will pass again...as this isn't the first time it's happened. It's just making me act like an ass. It's distracting to the point where i'll go to this weird place in my head that is nothing but anger and disgusting thoughts! So... does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to control this symptom? Meds? Tips? Tricks? Does anyone else ever get this way? Cause this time I can't take it.
  18. Hi, oh so i know that I have had depression my whole life and i am not confused about that i am more confused on what i have started to do.... ok so i am in the military and am married with three kids and i have been in for almost ten years and have been deployed six times but this last deployment has been extra hard on me i mean seeing your kids grow up with out you and missing so much that this one has really hit me. my depression does not hit all the time i can be fine one minute and something can happen randomly and it will trigger it and it lasts for one to three sometimes four weeks and it can varry in streangth. the last one went pretty dark and lasted for almost three weeks but that is not what i am confused about i am always confused about what my body is feeling and well let just say not the brightest tool in the shed.... what i am confused about is with this one i was getting deeper and deeper into my depresion i was pondering cutting which i have never done before but this episode was really bad and well.... i started cutting alittle i was doing it on my hand and made a happy face..... and i got to thinking which let me tell is not always a good thing that i was just doing it to play like a game and i dont know why i feel that way because it is not why i did it. i did it because it would take my mind off what i was feeling and it worked when ever i would feel my self going i could feel the cuts i did alittle on my arm to because i am in the military and dont want to get into trouble. i never understand my body and what it is doing. i dont know if this is the bigging of something worse or not becasue i am on deployment right know and i told my wife that if it got really bad i would come home but i dont know if that is a sign of it getting worse or not. i am on meds right know (zoloft) and it worked for a little bit for the first time when i got sad i didn't think of wanting to hurt or kill my self and i didn't know that you can actualy feel sad and not have all those other thoughts which frelt really good almost freeing but it didn't last long. is there ever going to be a way where i can feel like that everyday??
  19. Hello, I'm Connor and I am bipolar (2) but on the ALMOST bipolar 1 side of things. I am taking 50 mg of Seroquel and 200 mg of Lamictal. Both help with balancing my mood and seroquel is doing a great job at making me fall asleep. Seroquel even seems to be helping my appetite be supressed...quite odd right? I've lost weight. Anyway, I am extremely depressed still and find it hard to even get out of bed. What other med could I take that could make me happy again? I don't just rely on meds just so you know, I go to therapy too. I am so antisocial, paranoid, anxious, and cry a lot more then I used to. I am also always always always way tired even though I am sleeping way better (it's the same tired i felt even before seroquel so I know it isn't that effecting me) Please help, give me suggestions on maybe an Antidepressant? I am not sure. I heard those were bad for bipolar disorder. But I am losing all my friends and losing hope too. Please, someone help. Sincerely, Connor
  20. Hi, I'm a sixteen, nearly seventeen year old girl in great need. You see, a couple of years ago at the age of fourteen is when I began a tirade, lashing out against myself and my family (even then my two year old sister). It was nothing major at the time, just yelling, screaming, crying and cutting. But now I fear that what had started as pain directing itself onto myself has shifted to my young sister, now five. She has learned to hit and hurt and scream from what she might still consider to be "the best." It has only been at this time that I have really been able to see that what I do and how I react is under constant surveillance. I have an appointment with a doctor and among other things, I will speak about my depression and other possible ailments I may have. But this will only be the very tip of the iceberg. There will be so much left to do within such a short period of time and I was wondering if anyone is feeling up to offering any advice (like what I can do to best prepare myself for the upcoming and sure to be subsequent visit(s).)possible because I don't want to leave for college and come back to my sister knowing of me only as someone who left scars--both physical and emotional. Your help is very much so appreciated.
  21. Hello. I am reaching out thru this site for a go to place where people are interesting, real, and understand the stress of being mentally ill. I take life too seriously - family loves to be around me when they need help, advise, a "loan", a place to stay. Ah, but when I am too mentally down to assist others, then I am judged and ignored. My dad says I was born an old soul - that I never acted like a carefree child. I see life thru dark colored glasses - my depression making life often appear more stressful and dreary than it is. I live in a beautiful part of upstate New York in a very rural community. During some periods of my life I see the beauty and goodness in my life. But even as a child I would have reclusive times when my bedroom with a book was my only comfort zone. I was always a perfectionist - which I try to be kind about, but can see how annoying some find it. It drives me crazy sometimes. Cookies need to be same size and darkness. Plants can't be lopsided. Clothes need to be folded with seams matched. If person or a pet is sick I got into high gear out of anxiety and am jokingly called "Nurse Nancy". I have rescued many cats and kittens brought to me for I literally lose sleep over them in my attempt to save them. Mood swings abound. The strictness of my religious upbringing caused me to feel like a sinner/loser - thus my attempt to be a good girl and not disappoint others. Spiritual peace is one of many discoveries I am searching for. The death of my Mom in a farm accident when I was 17 increased my struggle with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and a form of PTSD. I finally sought the help of a psych Doctor at 25 yrs old when I had postpartum psychosis. Had great success with a tricyclic, but 5 yrs later my liver said no more. Psych meds and I have had a constant battle every since. I have tried ECT and TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) without relief. 4 yrs ago I attempted suicide. Currently I am on Ativan and muscle relaxers to sleep. I take natural supplements and go to talk therapy bi-weekly. I started receiving disability in June 2013. I am in search of a new Psychiatrist who accepts Medicare which comes with being disabled. Living in a rural area makes finding a good doctor a bit daunting. I have a loving, supportive son. Thanks for reading my rambling saga. I am going by the name "Showtime"
  22. Yesterday was hard for me... and today is no better. I was going to cut myself but then I talked myself into getting drunk instead to get rid of the pain. so I had drunken half a frozen cocktail and was going to drink some of my dads beers but stopped myself and waited a few hours to call my mom. I'm in so much pain right now. It hurts. Nothing that used to is bringing me joy. I want to cry. What do I do. I started taking my meds again 2 days ago. But I'm still hurting. I was even depressed before I forgot to take my meds for 3 days. Idk what to do. I can't take this. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I don't want to go back to this. Help me? What do I do? Any ideas?
  23. When I'm hypomanic I've done things I found embarrassing (especially when I was delusional), but nothing I would describe as dangerous. Unlike my mixed states which would definitely be under the dangerous category (self harm, suicidal, ect). That doesn't seem to be unusual, but when I'm falling into depression it's a completely different experience. Sometimes it's like I can feel a depressed episode coming on. It feels like this hole in my chest that keeps growing and every part of me is falling inside, piece by piece. I feel the most reckless and impulsive during this time. I haven't completely got into the laying in bed, staring into space depression state yet, but I know it's coming. Mostly I just feel numb and when given the chance I end up doing all kinds of things to not feel that way. From getting a tattoo (which I love) to coloring my hair pink (which looked awful) to spending too much money on anything that could bring me even a little happiness. Then I've done other things like drinking a lot while on medication which I would never do normally. I don't feel hyper and focused the way I do with hypomania or restless and angry like a mixed state. I just feel like I'm sinking slowly and all I want is to feel like someone else for a while. I don't know if this counts as depression or some other state. Has anyone else had a similar situation?
  24. Over the last 6 months to a year (I'm not exactly sure when it started) I have increasingly become less motivated, and lacking energy and determination and ambitions is not existent. I'm in my last year of school yr 11, or finishing 'High School' for the Americans out there. My exams start in 3 weeks time. I'm freaking out so much about them! I feel like I'm just going to fail everything, it's not even a joke. My friends and even my family get the impression that i'm really studious and hard working, but I don't think I am at all. I've actually let myself down a lot. I used to be more hard-working. I don't mess around in class or anything, or act like the class clown. I just blend in really, keep myself to myself write down what the teacher tells us to, I do all my homework. But that's just it, I do the bare minimum. And I thought I was getting away with it until now, now I've realized how close my exams are I'm stressed as anything. But I don't seem to be doing anything about it and I hate myself for it. I've disappointed myself and my family. I used to be good at art, I got an A* for one of my projects and ive just got progressively worse, the one thing i am good at and i've just lost all hope, motivation, inspiration, everything. I want it done, more than anything, but I just can't do it. I hate all my work, I'm embarrassed. I’ve just realised how much of it there is and how little time I have to do it in. I’ve been putting it off for months now. I’ll just come home and go straight to bed, either to play on my phone or to go to sleep. I get in this inescapable cycle of going to bed really late, waking up being tired for school and then coming home and doing no work because I’m so tired.I don’t even find myself watching that much TV anymore, it’s not even the typical child -like excuse of watching too much television and getting distracted. It’s like I’ve just given up and lost all motivation and energy. I go through periods of time that last typically a week or so where I just go into a really serious work mood. It tends to happen near deadlines, when I know work needs to get done and so I’ll just get on with it because I’m stressed. After that adrenaline pumped week or so I just deplete energy and lack motivation. Then follows the endless cycle of not enough sleep. I just wanted to know, am I just being really lazy or is there a name for this? The way I feel and my inability to do what I want to complete in my head. Please help, so that I can try and fix it, I only have 3 weeks before my exams start. Please reply, if you read, I need help.
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