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Found 21 results

  1. Hi everyone. I’ve been dealing with unbearable symptoms for over 4 years. Insomnia, racing thoughts (OCD), derealization, irritability, brain fog and depression. I have tried so many medications, but none help. My insomnia and anxiety are through the roof and I have 24/7 derealization. Years ago, 2007, when I was struggling with depression, my psych talked about starting an MAOI, but we instead we added geodon to Zoloft and it worked (for awhile) Long story short, I developed sudden onset ruminating thoughts (in form of OCD), insomnia and Anxiety in 2009. After many trials of meds (I’m adverse and paradoxical to most) I finally was put on remeron which got me sleeping again and in turn helped my other symptoms. From 2010-October 2014 I did relatively well, that is until remeron stopped working and all my symptoms came back. Since I have been inpatient several times trying every sleeping med , bipolar med, SSRI etc with no relief. Mom wondering if an MAOI could help me? Can MAOI’s treat anxiety? Racy brain? I’ve read they can make insomnia worse, which I don’t need. Symptoms: severe insomnia, lucid dreams/nightmares, 24/7 derealization, severe anxiety and panic, major depression, brain fog, dizziness, migraines. I believe, like in 2009-2010, many of my symptoms are from sleep deprivation. I am very desperate to get control over my anxiety and sleep. I’m at the end of my rope. Could an MAOI help me as a last ditch effort to get some kind of quality of life back? Current meds: weaning off Zoloft, weaning off remeron, geodon 20 mg X2, Ativan 5 mg per day (please don’t jump down my throat about this, it will give me a panic attack. I know it’s a high dose and I need to taper this too), prazosin 2 mg. TIA
  2. This may be a bit off-kilter, but oh well. I just need advice, and hopefully, someone who went through something similar before and knows what it’s like. I flipped my car Friday evening/night, on a back road, by myself. I was going 35-40 mph and swerved to miss a deer, overestimated or something, and ended up going off into a ditch and hitting the embankment. I wasn’t upset or anything; my thought as I hit was just “oh, I’m going to hit that.”. I went up over (my car was front wheel drive), skidded on the passenger side for about two yards before finally flipping. This was a matter of seconds. I just remember being calm and knew I had to get down, as I was completely upside down and call my mom and get help. I unbuckled myself, crawled on broken glass to retrieve phone and purse. I remember there being a screwdriver laying on (the remains) of my windshield because everything in center console ejected. Driver side window was intact, but the passenger was completely shattered so I crawled out from there and onto the road. I just started running and trying to call but there was no service in the dip. I didn’t notice I was bleeding from both knees until I was a hundred feet from my car. A car stopped, picked me up, and took me back to my house as I just live up the road. Called my mom and help, but my house keys were in my cup holders and thus ejected. So I went back down. People stopped to help, neighbor came down, paramedics and police, etc. Walked out with only three stitches in my left knee, a bruised and scraped right knee, minor cuts on my arms, and some intense whiplash but I don’t recall hitting my head at all. My one mat flew up and deflected most glass from the sunroof that would’ve came in on me. My car was totaled, both mirrors ripped off, passenger window gone; sunroof and windshield both caved in and mostly smashed out. I have bruising from the lap part of my seatbelt holding me in. I just have felt so off, because I feel like I should’ve died—I know I could’ve easily if I would’ve been going faster or turned a different way or any other variable. If I didn’t have my seatbelt, I would’ve been flung around or through my windshield. I feel like I’m going to wake up and have injuries 10x worse or ill be in a coma or something. It doesn’t feel like it’s /me/. It’s like I’m living through someone else almost. I feel like my injuries should be so much worse. People on scene told me I got lucky—I feel like I got TOO lucky. I’ve been iffy riding passenger in a car since. I know it’s normal to have PTSD and related symptoms after car accidents, but I don’t want people to think I’m nuts. I feel nuts. I feel like there’s just some kind of disconnect between my daily life and me. Like I got out of the accident a different person. I was depressed, saying I wanted to die and had actually relapsed into self-harm (minor) a few days prior, and it just shoved everything into perspective. One of the things I remember distinctly, my radio faceplate in my car was loose so if you tugged on it or the charging cable if it was in, it would pop off. I had my iPhone plugged in playing music. Upon impact, and as my car started tilting, gravity took my phone/the cord and thus yanked out my radio. It was just music—and then it cut out, and was replaced by glass shattering and metal. I cannot get that sound out of my head.
  3. I hope this is the right thread for this. Today we took our kids to an Easter Egg drop. There were sooooooo many people there. We had 5 of our 7 kids with us ranging in ages of 4 year old twins, 10 year old, and two 13 year olds. When the "hunt" started, one of my toddlers disappeared into the crowd. We knew a lot of the people at this church so at first I didn't worry because I knew he would reappear as people moved. When he did not, I started to worry. After several minutes I was bawling and trying really hard not to freak out. In one of those moments my perception of everything around me changed. It was....wavy? vagely blurry? It was different. I felt foggy. I don't really know how to better explain it, but nothing felt real (and still does not). We did eventually find him, he had wandered off to another age section of eggs.... <3 I have had this unrealism happen off and on since I was a teenager. It lasted much longer at a time then, but the first time I remember it happening I was around a lot of people then too. I'm categorizing this as a part of my anxiety flaring up. I just feel like I "cracked" if that makes sense. I feel like I am kind of on a precipice of sorts, but I am watching everything that happens from a distance, or through holes in a wall. I am confusing myself trying to explain this lol. How do you cope with this? What does it usually mean for you? What generally causes it for you?
  4. Hey there! I've been having a very difficult week. I've been on lexapro and klonopin for depression and anxiety for 3 years and the lexapro has plateaued in the last year or so, so my pdoc decided to put me on Abilify about a week ago and it has SUCKED. I'm not feeling any of the positive effects of the meds yet, which I understand because sometimes it takes a while. BUT i have been feeling a whole bunch of negatives. Theres a general brain slowness, like forming sentences and thoughts takes much longer than usual, like if my train of thought were a real train, there is now a huge parachute on the back slowing it down. The WORST side effect so far has been the derealization. I'm familiar with it as it is a side effect of my anxiety. I can't tell if it is a direct effect of the abilify or if the meds are causing more anxiety which is then causing derealization. The thing is, I haven't been feeling much more anxious than usual recently. It's like the derealization comes over me first and then the anxiety follows. Has anyone experienced this on Abilify? If so, did it go away eventually? Did you switch meds? Nothing seems real and I'm getting very very tired of it.
  5. Hey guys! First post on this website. TLDR- I have an obsessive fear that the world isn't real. It's hard to know if I believe in this idea (solipsism) or not, because if I did fully embrace it I don't believe that I would be afraid of it/ feel intuitively like something is wrong. Backstory: Tripped on LSD two months ago, have never had any history of mental illness, got horribly depressed after the trip and started encountering this thought. I am obsessed with this thought, and think about it almost every second of the day. It's incredibly distressing, but I've started to develop habits to cope: spending time with family, seeing friends, running every day, exercising whenever I can, playing music. The power of the thought is definitely lessening-- I'm not as scared of it as I once was but I am exhausted by it: why do I obsess? It's so freaking annoying etc. Counterthoughts that have helped me: There's zero proof of this thought to hold any weight. I've lived 24 years of NEVER believing or feeling this way, this is obviously not how I'm "supposed" to feel. If this reality was fake, does it really matter? If I'm still able to love the people around me and feel emotion towards them, then this is as REAL as I need it to be. Prior to this "thought" I was almost always happy, which is something that in retrospect I have realized I took for granted 100%. This my first venture into depression and mental health issues and it is truly terrifying. Would love some guidance or assistance with this/ if anyone has any similar thoughts/ feelings and how they were able to overcome. Need to beat this.
  6. I have fairly frequent episodes of dissasociation or derealization. I daily take mood stabilizers, antidepressant, and anti-anxiety meds. I have had many years of psychotherapy. My pdoc has been of limited help so far. Does anyone know of medical treatments for DD? This is really disrupting my life, personally and professionally. Any info is appreciated.
  7. Hello all! I'm really struggling, have been since the end of this past December. Long story as short as possible, I stopped sleeping in October 2014-December - 10 months ago. My OCD ruminating thinking and compulsive thinking got very bad during this time and the insomnia continued. On December 19th I had a bad panic attack that threw me into a state of derealization. I have been stuck this way ever since- nearly 9 months. Over the 9 months things have progressively gotten worse. I have had vertigo since the derealization started, but it was somewhat manageable. Over the past 2 months it has become unbearable. The only relief I get from the vertigo is laying on the couch. It has especially gotten worse over the past 2 weeks to where I'm almost spinning. It's the worst feeling. I can't stand it anymore. When walking down the aisle of a grocery store-which I rarely do, but went with my husband today- everything appears tilted, almost like it's upside down. Super scary. I am almost constantly in a state of fight or flight. I have insomnia, but if I am lucky/unlucky enough to fall asleep I have nightmares or night terrors. My skin feels like it's on fire and pins and needles from anxiety and I often vomit because my stomach is in knots. I have also developed a nasty case of agoraphobia. my OCD ruminating thinking is out of control always thinking the worst case scenario, or just scary weird thoughts or songs looping over and over in my head. Sometimes I have uncontrollable suicidial ideation. I'm constantly testing my brain to see if I can remember things ie. Celebrity names, street names, old friends names, etc. it's so weird, and I can't let it go until I figure it out. My my memory and focus is terrible. It almost feels like dementia. At times I feel cognitively inept like my brain has completely shut down. I am currently on 40 mg geodon, 50 mg Zoloft, 25 mg elavil (mainly for migraines) 3 mg prozasin at night and 1 mg Ativan 3 x a day. But nothing seems to help. I have been in 3 inpatient facilities since December being diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder, derealization and OCD but no one or nothing gives me relief. Some doctors say I have bipolar "tendencies" but not enough so to diagnose me with it. I don't get it. They say my racing thoughts and racy feeling, insomnia, irritability etc. may be more from OCD and anxiety then from bipolar. I am at my wits end. Not sure how much longer I can take this. Out of desperation yesterday I tried some high CBD low THC marijuana that my nephew bought for me at a medical marijuana dispensary. I took one TINY hit. Last night I felt that it helped with the anxiety, but not the derealization. I took another tiny hit this morning and then another this afternoon. The derealization is awful. I'm not sure if this marijuana has made me feel bad, or if I would have felt this way anyway, but the mental and physical anxiety seems to be a bit better. I know pot is a big no no for derealization, but because it has virtually no THC, I thought it would be worth a try. The strain is called AC/DC and is not supposed to have any psychoactive effect. I hope I didn't cause more damage or prolong this episode (that is if I was ever going to come out of it) is trying this form of medical marijuana a bad idea? does anyone have any advice for me? I'm so scared. I just want to feel better, better than I am now would be fine at this point.
  8. Sup guys, I"ve been taking luvox, klnopin, and lamictal for Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization since 2009. This year I decided to try some stimulants to help with my dissociation. Adderal and Ritalin helped but caused pain. So...I recently went down on my luvox by 50mg for 7 days (I take 150 daily so I dropped to 100, skipped the afternoon dose), then the plan was to try straterra if no withdrawal type symptoms persist. I tried the straterra - and ever since I've had nothing but racing thoughts, mania, songs playing in my head, etc. So I stopped the straterra (obviously) after 2 days, and went back up on my luvox (I didn't think that the luvox was the problem - but i wanted to get back to where I was which was VERY VERY manageable) and I'm far from that right now. Despite re-starting my luvox, I'm still having mania and anhedonia like symptoms. No pleasure, etc.... I'm hoping that this will just take some time to pass. I'ts been a week since I've gone back to my regular Luvox dosage and I still don't feel the same. When I can focus and stay on point I'm okay...but otherwise the thoughts wreak havoc and I'm really not excited or looking forward to anything! I think the combination of going down, trying something new, etc. has just wreaked havoc with my brain and I have to get my chemistry right. I know Luvox is also a very hard drug to come off due to its short half life, so perhaps its the decrease in my Luvox symptoms that caused this? Or Straterra? IDK. Any thoughts?
  9. Sup guys, I've had a diagnosis of Chronic Depersonalization and Derealizaiton Disorder since 2008. Since that time I've been on a steady regimen of Luvox, Klonopin, and Lamictal (which is recommended by the University of London for Chronic DP) - since that time I've been pretty stable. But in the best interest of trying to improve some things I've lowered my klonpin and lamictal successfully. I recently tried Adderal - which helped dramatically with my motivation, apathy, and keeping me away and not so sedated. But it exacerbated a facial pain syndrome I have. Next up was Ritalin - I felt great - not euphoric - but I just generally felt good- not depressed, motivated, and up all day for the first time in years. It also kept my ruminations and Depersonalization at bay. But again, anything that stimulates your central nervous system will exacerbate nerve pain - so I had to stop. My pdoc and I came up with a plan to - a) Lower my luvox (I currently take 150mg) so lower 50mg for 7 days - if I have no symptoms (which I didn't) begin using Straterra (to try) and see if it provides a similar benefit to the ritalin. I tried the Straterra - lasted 2 days. I experienced exacerbation of what I think is mania - I've never been compulsive - only a lot of ruminations. But now I"m having songs playing constantly in my head, conversations going over and over in my head, drifting off into space, and so on. A few days after stopping the straterra I went back up on my Luvox to the 150mg dosage (I had been down to 100mg for 9 days) even though I don't think Luvox was the culprit, I figured I need to have a reference point to get back to - I have been on this regimen for years - since 2012 at least - so I know how I felt and have a reference point. Since going back to 150 mg of Luvox I feel slightly better but I'm not where I was. Its been a week. Since I've never stopped the Luvox the 50mg should have gone straight into my system? Why isn't it working? And if (and I"m assuming given what i've been thru with psychiatry) that straterra and luvox can have these affects - how long will it last to get back to normal. Anyone have simliar experiences?
  10. I've been on a course of Luvox, Klonopin, and Lamictal since 2009 for the treatment of a very rare Dissociative Condition (Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization) I "inherited" in 2008 (due to Zyprexa withdrawals and medication mismanagement by my Psychiatrist at that time). Since that time I've been very lucky to get the proper diagnosis and receive treatment that is in tune with the University of London Depersonalization Research Institute and have had some very good Psychiatrists and Neurologists work with me. However, now in 2016 I've tried to improve my quality of life and productivity by adding "stimulants" to my regimen to help me be more productive and less sedentary all of the time. This is also in line with some Dr.'s thought on Chronic Depersonalization (Such as Dr. Alan Torch in the book "Feeling Unreal" - as he finds it helps "lift" people who suffer from Dissociation out of that state and closer to reality - along with the SSRI and Klonopin - which is a staple in treating Depersonalization). I tried Adderal - which was great - but exacerbated my facial pain syndrome (another condition I have) - so I had to discontinue. I tried Ritalin - which was GREAT - it helped with my depression, ruminations, and my productivity - however it too exacerbated my facial pain - so I had to discontinue. I met with my Pdoc following this and was very distraught - as these medications were helping me reach my full potential. So I asked if i should lower my Luvox. I currently take 150mg (50mg 3x daily) - to see if that would help with the sedation and apathy I experience (after being on Ritalin it was easy to see how sedentary and apathetic I really am) - we also discussed the addition of Strattera - given it is a stimulant but won't stimulate the central nervous system so it likely won't exacerbate my existing facial pain. The plan we came up with was to lower my Luvox by 50mg - skip the afternoon dose - so I would continue with my 50mg in the morning and 50mg at night. I was to do this for a week and THEN (if no problems were present from missing this dose) begin the Straterra. I skipped the Luvox afternoon dose as planned - and for the week I was "okay" other than a few days I didn't have any excessive ruminations or songs playing in my head or depersonalization like symptoms. Then I introduced Strattera at 18mg. After 2 days I stopped - It caused me to depersonalize more and additionally it caused EXCESSIVE ruminations - songs playing in my head, words repeating themselves when I'm watching TV, before I say something in person I'd say it in my head, and so on. It also made me feel "weird". It has now been 2 days since stopping the Strattera and I am still experiecing these symptoms and more - although I can focus and I do have similar symptoms like this from time to time (when my depersonalization is really bad) I've never had it be this consistent (although I'm not full blown depersonalized which I know all too well - its a horrible horrible thing to lose your sense of self - this is something different - although since I'm stuck in my head partially there is an extent of depersonalization and derealization involved). I'm also experiencing dizziness, anxiety, and I can't stop these ruminations. My questions are - 1) Could this be the Luvox withdrawal? Despite feeling "okay" during the first week - is it possible that it took a week or so for the withdrawal affects to kick in? From what I've read Luvox should be titrated very very slowly - not at a drop of 50mg but from 10% of what your dose is - over a longer period. My Psychiatrist is quite good so I'm quite alarmed at this advice. 2) Since I introduced Strattera which seems to have exacerbated and/or caused this - could it be the Strattera? And if so, why is it still continuing when Strattera has such a short half life? It should be out of my system by now! I only have 2 options - wait this out and see what happens - perhaps the Strattera is still playing havoc in my head - whether its in the system or not - but perhaps its exacerbated my existing ruminations that were well..."at bay". Otherwise, my 2nd option is to reintroduce the Luvox 2nd dose and see what happens. I would have been down to 100mg for 9 days. Had I not introduced the Strattera after only a week of lowering my Luvox dose it wold have been easy to see that the lowering of my Luvox is causing this and I would have just gone back to my regular dose. However Strattera was what really exacerbated or caused this - so I'm not sure what to do - Any advice would be appreciated! Thru my research I’ve found that Strattera can cause “mania” in some patients which it seems what I am experiencing – along with the other symptoms I’ve mentioned above. So I’m not sure what to do. Its almost afternoon and I'm REALLY considering just taking the Luvox afternoon dose (going back to my regular dose 9 days ago) just to see if it helps. I figure worst case is I'm going to be dependent on the medication for this kind of thing but if it helps and gets me back to where I was PRIOR to this - then I can live with that. But I can't continue like this! And then, if it does work - in the future I can plan a LONG LONG titration of Luvox (I'd like to go down by 50mg, but I sure as hell won't be going down 50mg like I did) I'd go down very slowly on my afternoon dose. So is it the Strattera or the Luvox? And if I introduce the Luvox (even though I was okay during that first week and before introducing the Strattera) how much harm would I be doing? I've been on that dose for over 3 years so I figure It could at least provide me some relief. I feel like the affects the Strattera brought on aren't getting better but getting worse - so perhaps its a combination of withdrawals from both drugs? Not sure. Please help. Really suffering right now guys.
  11. Hello everyone. I recently met with my psychiatrist and asked her about a certain experience I occasionally have. Sometimes, usually at night, I get very anxious and confused, and sort of frantic. I find it very difficult to think properly or do things, and usually walk around my room or sit in a corner or lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. When I look at certain objects, it feels like they're not far away and I'm looking at them, but they're in my mind - almost too close to my mind, and very clear, like I had been looking at them underwater before and now I took them out and can see them clearly. Or like in every day life I had been watching the objects on a screen and now suddenly I have them in real life. Also, some objects and things feel very threatening to me. Not like they have sentience and wish do do bad things to me, but for some reason I get a feeling of being threatened by certain things, or by everything in my room. I also sometimes find that certain objects that are red or blue are very calming when I look at them (maybe because they also feel like they're "in my mind"), so to calm myself down I'll stare at the object. Every color is very vibrant and "immediate". Basically, the external world becomes too real and immediate, and feels threatening. When I told my psychiatrist about this, she told me to look into depersonalization and derealization. The weird thing is that when I'm like this, I don't have any loss of sense of self, or do I feel like the external world is distant or unreal. In fact, it's the exact opposite: I have a pretty solid sense of self, and the external world suddenly becomes almost too real, so much so that it's threatening me. My question: does this sound like anything you guys have experienced? And does this sound like a depersonalization/derealization moment? I don't quite know what to think. A thought that popped into my mind was that perhaps I am always dissociative in everyday life, and these are the instances when I'm "back to normal". Except, I feel more-or-less normal in everyday life. Maybe a little bit removed, but nothing extreme. Background information: I have bipolar II disorder, and there's a suspicion that I have a cluster A personality disorder. Schizoid PD seems to describe me best, but I have a neuropsych evaluation in a month to determine whether I have a personality disorder. Thanks, everyone. I hope that was clear enough.
  12. I am on my 25th day of taking Sertraline. 1 week: 25 mg 2 week: 50 mg 3 week: 75 mg 4 days: 100 mg How do I count? Is it 6-8 weeks from when I started 25 mg, from 50 mg or from 100 mg? And is it scientifically proven that 6-8 weeks are a good wait, or is it just shared experience? //Feeling depressed
  13. I started Sertraline (Zoloft) 2 weeks ago because of derealization, anxiety and panic attacks. (First week 25 mg, second week at 50 mg, and today starting with 75 mg.) I have been absolutely shocked by how hard it has been starting with Sertraline, because of initial side effects of deperzonalisation and anxiety, but I have noticed a change for the better. It has had some effect on my anxiety and I have not had any panic attacks this past week. The derealization is unchanged, but I am not as scared by it any more, and that helps me to "feel normal". I have gained about 3 pounds these 2 weeks and I am worried that I will continue to gain weight because my appetite is significantly increased and my energy is low. I have been bulimic and depressed in the past and Fluoxetine (Prozac) has been a great medication for me. It decreased my appetite and made me feel better about myself. Should I ask to switch from Sertraline to Fluoxetine right away or should I stay on Sertraline for as long as I can manage and see how I feel even if it means gaining some pounds? I am concerned about gaining weight, but the most important thing is that I can function well enough to work, which I can do right now. I am very scared that changing medications will make my anxiety and derealization worse. But in the long run I can not possibly stay on a medication that increases appetite. I know that when I start to feel good again I will think about this a lot. I am scared that if I increase Sertraline to 100 mg in the following weeks tapering of it will be hell and that I will have to be on it for a long time, gaining weight, feeling tired and not being productive at work. I'm scared of my body getting used to it. Perhaps if I change now then it would be easier. My favorite antidepressant is Bupropion (Voxra, Wellbutrin), but I understand that since I have developed anxiety it might not be working for me right now. It used to make me productive, positive, decrease my appetite and increase my libido. My pdoc had me stop it because she thought it might be causing the derealization and I miss it a lot, but since I stopped it I have developed anxiety and now I am to scared to try it again. Having panic attacks with persistent derealization is in lack of better words; a nightmare. List of things that I am scared of: In order of most to least scary Panic attacksIncreased anxietyIncreased derealizationGaining weightBeing tired and non-productiveNot feeling like doing anythingAny input would be greatly appreciated!
  14. Earlier this year I did something really stupid. A week earlier my psychiatric doctor added Fluoxetine to the Wellbutrin that I had been on for some years. I went out and drank a lot (this is not normal for me) and the next morning I took Tramadol. This resulted in me having my first anxiety attack (with derealization) and ending up in the emergency room thinking I was going to die. The morning after that (and ever since) I had persistent derealization and decided I did not take any more Fluoxetine. A couple of months later I talked to my doctor about the derealization still being there 24/7 and she wanted me to stop Wellbutrin since it might be a side effect. I stopped Wellbutrin and now I was derealized and had a lack of energy and didn't feel like doing anything. My derealization didn't get better even after a couple of months without it. Then I got another anxiety attack (possibly because of Primolut Nor) which made my derealization much worse and this time I also continued to be anxious. Another doctor put me on Sertraline and I'm currently fighting through the initial side effects (so much worse than Wellbutrin or Fluoxetine). I still don't feel like doing anything and if I do, I just don't have the energy. I don't want to be around people either. It's to buzy and loud and I'm scared to panic. Do you think that in the future I could get on Wellbutrin again, with or without Sertraline, or will it just trigger anxiety since it is so activating? I loved being on Wellbutrin, having a healthy sex drive, getting things done and being able to keep my impulses back. When I was on wellbutrin I never had a depressed though. I wasn't very happy either, but I just DID things. I feel like I never do anything since I stopped them and if I do anything I really do not enjoy it as much anymore. It was much easier to control the appetite as well.
  15. Hello all...so I'm not sure if I should be posting in the dissociative section or anxiety...I'm all over the place. But according to all the doctors I've seen, my derealization is caused by severe anxiety and OCD. Though no stranger to anxiety and depression, long story short, I had a bad panic attack in December. I haven't been the same since. For 9 months I've been stuck in a state of derealization, panic, anxiety, vertigo, brain fog, OCD racing thoughts, poor cognition, insomnia and subsequently depression. I NEVER get a break. I can't take it anymore. I have been to THREE inpatient facilities since December. Nobody seems to know what to do with me. Most at medications I've tried have made me worse. 5 weeks ago I decided to have my Mirena IUD (birth control) taken out in hopes that it would help. Well, it didn't. My symptoms have gotten worse. I've been having nearly daily panic attacks on top of my constant derealization and anxiety. My vertigo and derealization has gotten so bad all I can do is lay on the couch and shake. It's horrible. I am at my wits end. i have been reading up on rTMS therapy. Has anyone tried this? I Really don't know how much more of this I can take. I have a consultation for TMS scheduled for next week. I'm just afraid of it making my symptoms even worse. I would primarily do it for anxiety. I know that at this point it would be off label which kind of worries me. I just started DBT/psychotherapy last week. Hoping that will help:) Please let me know if anyone has tried TMS or has an option on this:) I just pray pray that the derealization and vertigo will eventually subside. It's been nearly 10 months straight of this. Seems like it's never going to end...that I'm going to be stuck in this state forever. Current meds: zoloft 50 mg geodon 40 mg ativan 1 mg 3x day minipress 3mg
  16. When I started derealizing last year, I had an impulse to buy cigarettes for the first time, and idk if it was the placebo affect, but I found that they helped ground me a bit. I started derealizing again recently and tried smoking them again and found that they helped a bit. It's funny because when you smoke them they make you sort of dizzy and you're stumbling...but they're also a stimulant I was just wondering if other people find that they have helped or made it worse?
  17. Hello all. I have posted in a few different spots, mostly because I have no idea what is goin on with me :-/ 5 years ago I had an episode of derealization/depersonalization that lasted for 6 months strong, but then another few months after that before I felt better. I never got to 100% though. Prior to this episode, I was already on 100 mg zoloft and 20 mg geodon (was put on this because zoloft wasn't working. I actually felt horrible on just zoloft, sweaty and I think aggitated- geodon was amazing. I felt an immediate lift in spirit after my first dose) that I had been put on after giving birth to my son in 2004. I went through severe post pardum depression. 4 months into this episode, after several trial and error meds (including ADD meds) I ended up on remeron, 15 mg at night, 7.5 in the morning. This medication, although not a miracle, was a Godsend. It gave me back my sleep and my appetite which in turn began my healing. I was also put on ativan (the ativan story gets complicated. Hopefully I can find a concise way to write it below) This episode left me so fearful of everything that I became a very anxious person unlike the care free spirit I was prior to this. I believe I have pstd form this experience. Fast forward to dayday....This past October things started to go wonky. I stopped sleeping, almost literally. I noticed I was getting bizzare OCD thinking. I couldn't let stupid thoughts go. Like I'd think of somebody and couldn't remember their name and it would haunt me until I could figure it out. Through October and November I had a few dizzy spells that, looking back, were precursors to what was to come. the beginning of December I went to pick up my ativan- same manufacturer I had been using for 4+ years. (it took a long while to find a manufacturer that didn't spin me out and make me feel like I was on crack- I know this is weird, but my body almost always responds opposite to meds. Sleeping pills wire me etc etc) I ended up on 1 mg Ranbaxy brand lorazepam (ativan) 3 times a day. This particular lorazepam didnt really seem to do much for me. It didn't spin me out or really relax me. I think it was more of mental feeling of it helping me but I'm not sure. Anyways, when I went to pick it up, I found out the Ranbaxy brand was no longer available. Ugh. After researching I learned that ranbaxy had been charged with a felony for many reasons, including improper testing of meds and fudging numbers to the FDA. They ended up having to pay 500 million dollars in fines and civil suites. I tell you all this because I'm not sure if the lorazepam I was taking for 4 years was a much lower dose than I thought I was taking, or if it was even lorazepam at all. Ugh. Soooo....I started taking the lorazepam that the pharmacy carried by Qualitest. Immediately I didn't feel right. So then I tried Watson brand, then Mylan bramd then name brand Ativan. They all seemed to make me feel kind of wired and spun. My thoughts were very scattered. But I kept taking the pills afraid of withdrawal, but was exerimenting with slightly different doses trying to get it right. Then a few days before christmas, I lost it. I felt a "shrill"- almost an electric adrenaline feel- go over my body. My heart was pounding, I had to pace around, I was dizzy and the detached surreal feeling set it (I feel like I'm on LSD all the time -I experiment with psycodelic drugs when I was young) and my body and mind have been completely stuck in "fight or flight" ever since. I've been this way ever since. My symptom are long and horrible- vertigo, shaking, impending doom feeling in stomach, headaches, so sleep, can't eat, nervous all the time, emotionless, upset stomach, noises are pound to me, especially voices and my own voice, my head feels kind of "buzzy" all the time. I need uo checking myself into a psych hospital to see if I could straighten outy meds and get some sleep. I tried a few different things, but not too much as I was afraid of doing anything drastic. We tried to add an extra dose of 20 mg geodon in the morning, but I was too scared to take the 2nd dose that might, so I never was able to play with this. We upped my mirtazapine by 7.5 mg and it did nothing. Tried to add trazadone for sleep, but it didn't work. The more I took, the less I slept and my blood pressure skyrocketed. They took me off benzos completely, but the night terrors and middle of the night panic attacks got worse. So here I am. I am now taking a total of 1 - 1 1/2 mg name brand Ativan a day. Still on the same geodon, zoloft remeron. My pdoc tried 25 mg seroquel on me for sleep. I took it this past Thursday night. But the night I took it, I was up all night and the next day I felt completely dead. So I didn't take it again. But yesterday, 2 days after taking it, I had a relatively good day. But I'm not sure if the seroquel would have anything to do with it. I don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday I thought I was coming out of the woods little. Besides the vertigo I felt pretty good. But last night it was the same. Up most of night because of being awoken by horrible night terrors and full blown panic attacks attacks. It's scaring the hell out of me. I just need some relief. 5 years ago Remeron seemed to help quite a bit. But I'm still on it and having this horrible episode. I've read that Anfrinil has been used successfully in some derealization patients. Has anyone taken this with any success? becasue I'm already on Zoloft and remeron, I'm not sure they can add anafrinil (seritonin syndrome?) Is this an activating drug or can it be calming?? Would upping either my geodon or zoloft be a plausible idea? I so scared right now. Am I stuck like this forever? I don't think I can handle it forever:( I just need sething to help calm me down. The ativan doesn't really seem to help, it just helps me from adding withdrawal symptoms to my list. Am I bipolar and going through. Manic stage? Is is depersonalization disorder? Ativan withdrawl? (but the first time I don't think it was from ativan- but maybe it was. I had only been taking it for a few weeks on and off before the episode started) Extreme anxiety? I just don't know and the doctor doesn't know either. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid I will never go back to my old self and that I a stuck like this forever. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated
  18. Hello all. I wrote in the anxiety section earlier. Just realized I should have posted my story here first. I've been dealing with various levels of anxiety and depression since I was a child. I have had trichotillomania (hair pulling) since I was 9. I am now 38. I suffered an pretty severe 3 + year bout of depression after giving birth to my son 10 years ago. But nothing has compared to what in going through now. I'm in a living hell and need some relief. In mid October I stopped sleeping. Total insomniac. Then I went to pick up the only lorazepam brand that I have been able to tolerate the beginning of December (ranbaxy) and found out it is no longer available. Ugh. I tried 4 otter brands including name brand Ativan and they all seemed to spin me out and make me hyper and scattered. On December 18th things went south. I suddenly felt very detached. My mind became racy and I started panicking. I was thrown into a state of depersonalization/derealizarion (feeling detached from reality, but being aware of it) and have gotten progressively worse since. I've been detached, my personality is gone, stomach issues, my body and mind are stuck in a "fight or flight" state- feeling horrible anxiety 24/7, can't concentrate on anything (conversations, tv, reading) I can't eat, I can't sleep, and when I do fall asleep for a moment, I'm awaken by night terrors. I pop up sweating, heart beating out of my chest and the "pit of doom" feeling in my stomach (I have this all day all night) it's horrible. And I have vertigo which seems to blend in with the depersonalization. After Christmas I checked myself into a psych hospital, but nobody there knew what to do or say about the derealization/ depersonalization and vertigo. I am currently on, and had already been on, 75 mg zoloft, 22.5 mg remeron, 25 mg geodon ( I have the 5 mg compounded) and a VERY small dose (100 mg) of liquid lithium citrate- VERY sensitive to medications. I have noticed that when I take all these meds at night, around 5, about 2 hours later I get a little relief (not a lot, but some) Things calm down a bit, but at midnight, like clockwork, all symtoms return and I'm up all night with intermittent night terrors and severe anxiety. My legs, arms and jaw are tense and hurt. My stomach is in knots. While in the hospital we thought to try the meds during the day too, but sadly this didn't work. Also tried to add trazadone for sleep, but my blood pressure skyrocketed and it didn't seem to help with my stubborn insomnia. We also tried to add 25 mg mg of seroquel. 12.5 mg at 5 pm the next 12.5 at 8 pm. Didn't help. May have made my symtoms worse. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he told me to try seroquel again. so I just took 25 mg and hour and a half ago, but nothing. Anxiety through the roof and I'm not sleepy I had an episode similar to this, but not nearly as severe, 5 years ago. At the time I was only on zoloft and geodon. After 4 months into the state and many trial and error meds, I was put on remeron. Although symtoms were by no means gone, I got my sleep back and my appetite. This was the beginning of a slow recovery. But now I'm back and worse than ever. I need to sleep so bad, but can't. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just can't take this feeling anymore. Another thing is that I almost always react adversely to meds which makes things hard. All sleep meds wire me. Benzos even wire me. Ugh. I just want this to stop. Is there hope for me? Will this ever go away? It feels like im going to be stuck like this forever:( I'm so scared. I'm sitting here now, after the seroquel feeling complete anxiety and not tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't function. My husband has had to take off work to be with me and take care of our son. I'm worried this is going to keep going and he's going to get burnt out and leave me. And I can tell my son is weirded out by me:( I just want to find something that helps like the remeron did 5 years ago. I need a break. I've read Anafrinil is a good possibly for derealization/depersonalization, but I don't think I can take it because I'm already on 2 seretonin drugs, zoloft and remeron and there's the seritonin syndrome issue. I believe this is what happened to me in the hospital when we added trazadone. Any advice, help or encouragement is greatly appreciated. Am I going to be this way forever?
  19. Hi, I have this symptom I really struggle to describe and now thank German Wikipedia it seems that I have found the right description. (it has happened many times and it has been a dud many times but here we go again) I'm disoriented in time and space. I can look at the clock and read it but it has no meaning to me. When the clock says 10:00 pm it doesn't mean “night” “sleeping time” to me. It means absolutely nothing to me. When it's week end, it means nothing to me. I know that the next day might be new years eve, but it means nothing to me and I might forget about it in 30 seconds and go on as if it's a regular summer day. I'm basically completely lost in time. And if that's not apparent, it's really bad because I feel completely lost in time and being lost feels really scarey. So that's it about time. Now about space. I might sit in the bus. But it won't feel like bus. It will feel like I'm sitting in absolute fucking void. Everywhere it's just meaningless void. It doesn't make any difference to me whether am sitting in the doc's waiting room or in my own room. It's all void and oh boy in such a bad way. It's like being separated from the whole world and floating somewhere in outer space observing the earth through a camera mounted on my physical bodies head. It might sound okey but it's absolutely horrible because I feel like I'm absolutely nowhere. The opposite of feeling grounded TO THE MAX. The worst part about it is that I don't feel at home anywhere because I just don't feel the space around me at all. Very confusing, very annoying, HELL. Can someone relate to this stuff? Is there a name for it? how to get rid of it maybe? (with supplements maybe LOL X-) Cheerz bear.
  20. I just realized that I have a very active day dreaming habits. I daydream about being a rockstar, politician, explain my ideas to imaginary people. Like preparing myself for my next appointment with my therapist, sorting out what I'm going to tell her. Stuff like that. (no, they don't answer. Just monologs). Non of this involves anything psychotic. I don't BELIEVE that I'm actually talking to my therapist or am the mayor of Heidelberg. I just imagine how it would be and how a monorail transportation system in Heidelberg should be done etc. Plain old daydreaming. The problem is I'm doing it ALL THE DAMN TIME and it also involves remembering nasty stuff from the past and getting angry at stuff I can't change anymore. So I went OK WTF lets stop doing it and see what happens. And bam! I started to see the world. And it looked exactly the way as the time as I was on a imho particularly strong antipsychotic named Solian. Dead, Soulless, Unreal (but not in the sense of derealization. Or maybe?) a piece of shit I can't mentally or emotionally relate to basically. It seemed to me that my brain doesn't feel like, doesn't want to, or refuses, in a passive matter to process the picture in front of my eyes emotionally so I cant relate to the surrounding I exist in. And then I figured out that the whole daydreaming stuff could just be a reaction to the lack of stimuli I am suffering from. My brain is just fucking bored of feeling nothing and produces all kind of bullshit to be somewhat occupied. When I took the Solian, I thought it had crippled me. But it had probably helped me, but had only took care of one half of the problem and not the other, which left my brain deprived of stimuli (the imagination) without making me feel my surrounding. And needless to say I stopped it. So tell me what on earth this is. Is this schizophrenia related? Is there a name for it I can google? Edit: sorry i faild to mention. I AM diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I also agree with that. I just want to know whether this issue is related or whether it's something else. and i want to know it's name and discuss it basically. Cheerz bear.
  21. Today has been a very... interesting day. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my previous dissociative, depersonalization and derealization episodes. Last night, I was doing some research on DID and came upon the fact that different alters can have different handwriting. This shocked me to my core. This is something I (we?) have been doing for a very long time. Drastic handwriting changes began happening when I was about 10, around the time of my first serious trauma. I already knew of one person inside my head-- Doris, the persecutor. I know what she looks like, and I know what she sounds like (she talks to me in my head all day, in fact she gets angry when I talk about her, and is telling me to delete all of this and not post it). But this morning, I started going through my old journals--specifically from around 2002-2007. What I found made me sick to my stomach. I spoke of myself in the third person consistently, I even made note that I seemed to have two personalities (2002). Then I began to compare handwriting, and there are around 4-5 distinct types of handwriting, each very different than the other. I started to take notes on the (assumed) alters' personalities. They are all very different people with very different beliefs, drives, and interests. I have identified 5 alters thus far (including Doris, the persecutor). Ida is a protector/defender and is always angry. She is very strong and tends to come to the front when I am arguing or very mad about something (I do not deal well with anger). She is the most active. Julie is excessively hypersexual, angry, and well-versed in both writing and reading poetry (I wish I could write the way Julie writes all the time). I believe she was out front (on and off) from August - November 2005, and then seemingly present for all of 2006. I believe she first came out around 2003. Unknown #1 is cruel, masochistic, and prone to self-harm. She has written extensively about hurting me, and refers to me as if I am another person. She never writes "I", she only writes "she" and "her". Unknown #2 seems to be my "inner child": severely depressed, frightened, lonely, and suicidal. In 2003, I remembered sexual trauma that had happened 2 years before. I had completely forgotten it had happened. And let me be clear: it did really happen, as I have confirmed with both my parents and the actual perpetrator that it did. In that journal entry, Ida is writing. It makes sense, I suppose, as she is my protector. Any time my heart was broken, someone made me mad, someone said something terrible to me... Ida wrote. Not me. I've had issues with dissociation and derealization for as long as I can remember. I also "space out" at least 10 times a day: I stare into space, thinking about nothing. I am never aware that I'm doing it. This can last from 10 seconds to several minutes. My partner can try to snap me out of it--sometimes it works, sometimes I have to "come to" on my own. I guess you could call these trances, because that's what they feel like. (Small note: These are not seizures. I am on a medication for my mood swings that doubles as an anti-epileptic). However, I don't "lose time'. I do have regular nightmares, and had very severe night terrors as a child. I still get them occasionally, but they are few and far between. Concentration is not a word in my vocabulary. I am extremely forgetful and misplace things often (for instance, this morning I found a box of frozen tacos in the cupboard, and I have no idea who did it. My partner says he did not, so I assume it was me, or one of me.) I guess I just wanted to share this, as it's scaring the damn shit out of me. Does anyone have any advice to add, or does anyone have any similar experiences?
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