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I really hope this is a good area of the site to put this, sort of a rant, sort of not. But probably, more or less a rant. Living where I do, it's next to impossible to find a place to rent, a room that is. My boyfriend and I are so limited on funds we wanted to rent a room from someone, so we could start saving for a car and our own place of course. I'm tired of hitting a damn brick wall with everyone though, because it's two of us, and not one a lot of people wanna hike the rent up a couple hundred, not one, not two, but like three, four, maybe possibly more - if you're willing. They wanna charge us BOTH the asking amount, (that'll be 800 for two people. no?) We could get an apartment then, really. Or, today MY favorite, this came out of a lady's mouth, She asked why I'm on disability, because I disclose that I get SSI and what he does for work so people know we're stable (sort of, he gets commission, and only half, in a small shitty town, but my check is of course stable.) and I told her because I'm mentally ill. I DIDN'T disclose my BPD, just my GAD and depression disorder. She had the balls to tell me, "you sound pretty intelligent for some on disability, I DON'T GET THAT MUCH FROM THOSE WHO ARE." A fair amount of people with mental illness are highly intelligent - and creative, talented individuals. Even those with autism have high IQs, if I'm not mistaken? Correct me if i'm wrong please. Just because someone has a mental disorder/disability doesn't make them an idiot. Being an idiot, MAKES YOU AN IDIOT. I told her I graduated high school at 16, with honors, not because I was pregnant or at risk, and was going to join the Army but couldn't because I'm mentally ill. I started college at 17 pursuing my teaching degree, and a minor in CPS type social work when I get to university but had to put it on hold from lack of money to pay for it. Am I common sense smart? Not really. Am I book smart? I would like to think so, really. I did pretty well in school, minus math classes. Everyone has that one subject they suck at, but I excelled in history and english subjects. I just felt like that was much, she did state she's had roommates who were also on disability, but they were older, so I'm assuming SSDI and not SSI? *No one* wants someone with a disability to be a - LIABILITY, either, she also said. That and because my boyfriend and I've not been together longer than four months which is slightly understandable, but because I'm disabled. You're shitting me, dude. We don't want to rent an apartment outright because again, trying to save for a vehicle. I wanna work again, I don't like sitting at home trust me I don't, but it's not easy without a car. so many places want someone with open availability, and with my lack of "stable employment" I need more yays than nays if that makes sense. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of bullshit? Don't try to relate if you don't get it, seriously. not anyone who was gonna comment, but to that lady. I can't stand people who do that shit, drives me nuts. More than I am. Lol.

In November I saw a new psychiatrist. Dude was a dick. He invalidated my experiences asked me if I've had sexual reassignment surgery, assured me that my experiences within the military weren't all bad and then went on to ask if I'm transitioning because I was sexually abused. Then, after I left the room he misgendered me in front of other patients. I went to a lawyer about it. They agreed that it was wrong and have helped me draft up a letter. Got the letter sent out in December and I haven't heard anything else. I had a great psychiatrist. The ignorant psychiatrist practices at the eating disorder clinic I was pursuing treatment from. I haven't been back. My eating disorder goes untreated and no one is assisting me with medication. My general physician is helpful and has been prescribing me stuff in the mean time but she grows concerned with my use of hydroxyzine. A medication I affectionately call baby pill because it's not physically addictive and I can't really overdose on. But I've been taking handfulls to sleep through the day. I've sacrificed it to her in hopes of finding other coping mechanisms. God damnit it's hard to find others that worked so well. I've relapsed into suicidal ideation, food restriction and purging. I have an appointment with another psychiatrist tomorrow. She's from my general practitioners office. I'm quite scared. Tomorrow. It's tomorrow. I'll get the normal PHQ-9. Answer those boring and tedious questions about suicidal thoughts. Plan? Of course. Doesn't everyone have a preferred way? This... Or that... I mean... damn. I don't need to be inpatient. Just trust me. I'll probably have chronic suicidal thoughts until I actually do die and it sucks that it probably won't be by my own hand. Just tell me that you think I'm on the best meds for me, put a stamp on paper and then let me leave so I can go through the rest of my day. --- The therapist I've been working with for six years is ending her relationship with me. She helped me transition and report to the FBI 12 years of abuse. Helped me tell my dad that I was abused and is going to help me tell my mom as well. Then, about 4 months from now we're going to end our relationship. I don't want to. I kind of imagined that her and I would be done when I was 'all better.' Whatever that means. This is life for me. I guess. a slow ongoing slope of getting better. But probably never actually getting 'all better.' Fuck that. damn. damn. damn. --- She runs a not for profit organization that targets transgender and other non-gender conforming communities. It's pretty great. I started going there and was blown away. I thought it would be my found family of sorts. It isn't and it wasn't. Mental illness got in the way and some maladaptive skills really screwed stuff up. I'unno. finding a community is a big deal and I really don't.. I don't know. I want a family of some sort. I get that not everyone gets something like that. And I wonder a lot if I'm just someone who doesn't.

I'm having problems with the state. One week after my son was born someone called Child Protective Services and told them that they heard me say I was worried about hurting him. That's what the social worker who came told me. They are going off of what someone said they heard. She said he said. Yet, she doesn't seem to have any concern about that at all! Rather than ask me about him, she asked me about my personal life and tried trapping me in trick questions that I didn't catch on until later. It was as personal as asking about details for finances and even noted our wedding date! If that wasn't bad enough, our kitchen was searched for alcohol!! Her reasoning for all of this? I have a history of mental illness. That is what I was told. Because I have mental illness, they have to go to these measures and take whoever called them seriously. For that reasoning alone. That's it. No history of harming anyone. No criminal history. No evidence for this false claim (I'm pretty damn sure I know who since she was wanting to take him out of state with her and kept saying how concerned she is that we can't handle him which I told her). Now I am being forced to have a psychiatric evaluation which will determine whether or not I can keep him or have him taken away. So they say I'm bipolar, and because I'm bipolar I'm not fit enough to take care of him? She says she is trying to help us close this case, but I have a bad feeling about this. So, my SO and I are looking into getting a lawyer to have on stand by. If they try, we decided to sue for discrimination. They cannot legally take him for that reason, but I have a feeling they are trying harder than she led on. I really needed to vent. This is so sickly twisted.