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Found 38 results

  1. I feel it is my ultimate goal to depersonalize once and for all my life was a living hell until 18 when I hade a life changing drug experience and realized I was fucked up next day I was setting up a visit to the psychiatrist I am very introspective and realized what I hade better than ay outside source could tell me I hade bpd mixed with a family history of bipolar ouch now imagine the most emotionally sensitive and vengeful woman on steroids and lock her in your head the mind can only take so many temper tantrums before it pulls the old 1930's era divorce from its self which it did I am terrible driving a car almost maimed my family one time they had me drive on the highway big mistake also had 5 or six really close calls I zone out in the car while driving I am constantly almost rear ending people also I have what is considered the thousand yard stare if we are standing 3 ft. away I can split you into two like double vision here come the question have you hade similar experiences and what drugs help you and what drugs make your dp worse also can you think clearly while you are dissociated how much do emotions factor in on your decision makeing process
  2. Thursday night was scary for me. I felt a mood suddenly ink in and I think I may have been hallucinating or dissociating due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I actually saw out of the corner of my right eye a face that was letting out all the angst I was feeling. It was a tortured hideous expression, and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and I could feel all those churning emotions inking back into me. Soo weird !!! Was this dissociation, am I now BiPolar, what in the heck happened to me? Never had this, this intense before. I was afraid of........ me. I don't have a clue what triggered all this. I could tell something seriously was wrong, so what do I do? I go straight to the computer and go to my favorite site to order things I have never been able to afford before as that is one technique to self soothe, only I went overboard. Yes, I extended my line of credit one late night and now I am buying things that I don't even remember, even two or three of the same item. I am now busy returning most of them. However, there are items I have wanted for sooo long that I am now buying, I won't even go into the items I am sending back, way to embarrassing, lol. What scared me the most was the enormous scary mood swing, out of the blue, the mood was bigger than life to me. I could hear my psych doc telling me what to do as going thru a mood swing like this your body can tolerate extra medication, so I took 1/2 of a 25 mg Seroquel and it did nothing to stop the mood, so 1/2 hour later, I took another half of the 25 mg and it worked, within 30 minutes I was out and I slept 14 hours, woke up in a completely different mood, a completely different person. I had to say to myself this morning when I woke up, who was that person last night, I didn't even recognize myself and what I went thru. What a difference a good nights sleep does and strong medicine to help me get to and stay asleep. Wondering now if I am BiPolar because I heard that only a solid 12 hours of sleep will break cycling and I was definitely cycling last night. I have been coming down from Zyprexa due to extreme vertigo, so wondering if this may have been part of what happened to me. I also have reduced the Klonopin due to issues with my HMO and have had to stock-pile them, which leaves me wide open for more anxiety. Lately, my mood and anxiety/panic have rendered me housebound and even sometimes too fearful to get out of my bed. Update: Last night felt extreme paranoia inking in, back at the computer ordering things I don't even remember ordering as I see notices coming thru my email account, so took a full 25 mg of Seroquel and within an hour, the paranoia was gone and I slept straight thru 14 hours until this morning. This morning feeling less paranoid, more grounded and a bit sedated due to the Seroquel. Will see how the day progresses and if the paranoia and dissociation occurs again tonight.
  3. Latuda is off the table for now due to the weird reaction. We were considering Depakote, but psych doc just called and nixed that idea due to my NAFLD and chronic hyperammonia issues. So, he wants me to start back on Zyprexa tonight and to call him tomorrow to see how I am doing. He has been calling me daily over the past two weeks. Several neighbors are suggesting assisted living, but my psych doc is saying no way, I'm not at that stage yet. However, my mother started dementia at my age, but his position in this is that when on Zyprexa, it cures the confusion and other debilitating symptoms at least for awhile. He says that if I had early dementia, I would not respond to the Zyprexa as well as I do. My neighbors are now concerned due to my inability to think straight and confusion which they are picking up on. I have known this for sometime and have expressed my concern many times over my brain feeling like it is falling apart and unable to function in the real world. Finally my psych doc is taking me seriously. Dissociation is with me all day long, extreme anxiety and fear/panic/dread all day long, confusion is there all day long, just feeling unwell with these chronic migraines is keeping me in bed 3 days out of 5 days. This is not a functioning life for me. I am afraid to leave my apartment, I am afraid to hear from my neighbors that I am confused and not functioning well. These daily reports are just overwhelming me. I now turn off my phone, close my blinds and live in a shroud of secrecy. I will be seeing my headache/neurologist/seizure doc this week and will bring this up to him as well. I hope I can make the appointment. Just sitting here after taking .5 mg of Klonopin to take the edge off. Will start the Zyprexa this evening or sooner. Just a few points about my environment. Two neighbor threatened my life here (verbally), neighbors that I get close to pass away suddenly (one right in front of me) (I live in an independent living facility and I am the youngest here - most have varying degrees of psychosis/dementia - hard to live with). I went to a party last week and I sat alone at my table while others crowded around with each other excluding me. I left and came home very depressed. I am an easy target where I live, bullies come after me. I have no trust with anyone who lives here anymore. Have been here a year and can't connect with anyone, very depressing, so I stay alone in my apartment. I do not drive and with my agoraphobia, leaving my home and venturing out alone is very very scary to me. Just not a life that I want to keep living. I have to get on something to help calm down my brain so I can function in the world. I have been on most medications now and nothing works or the side effects are too harsh. It's just becoming too hard now to function in this world. Well, thanks for reading *smiles*
  4. So I saw my psych doc today and he feels the best reactions I have had to control most all my symptoms are in this class of medications. Where I do not like this "named" class, I will give this one drug one more try. I have been on them all but this one. All the others I can take for short bursts of time. We are trying to find something I can take long-term. Starting tonight with 20 mg of Latuda. I also asked for Cogentin to help with the horrible muscle spasms and rigid muscles. Mail order will eventually get me the Trasadone to help with sleep and Cogentin for muscle issues. I asked for Xanax and he wouldn't allow that since it's too short acting. I tried to convince him I need something for emergency purposes and he still said no. It's been 6 months since I have seen my psych doc and in 40 minutes he went thru all my back history, last 30 years to try to find something to help me. He also wrote to my landlord stating that my new kitten is my therapy cat and can therefore not charge me any pet deposits nor fees. I love him for doing that for me !!! So, after 35 years of treating me I asked... am I BiPolar or what am I? He said basically I suffer under the umbrella of chronic PTSD, tramatic brain injury and childhood abuse. The symptoms I continue to have will not go away, but need to be treated, great, huh? At least he was truthful. Settling in for the long-haul or what's left of my life. Somehow I was magically under the illusion I would be cured, lol.
  5. This is what I go thru every day from the moment I wake up: anxiety throughout the day, uncontrollable anxiety and panic only when I leave my home, dissociation in times of high stress and high anxiety and panic, insomnia every night, daily depression, scary cycling mood swings. My psych doc called me on a Saturday afternoon (now this doc is semi-retired and only works 3 days a week now). I was shocked when I saw his name come up on caller ID. He was calling to suggest I go into the hospital until I become stabilized. Stabilized in one week, no way I say. It's gonna take time for that to happen. He said with the dissociation and everything else I am going thru on a daily basis he is worried I might self harm. I assured him I am not at that point and he knows that I call him when I need to go back in, plus I have a new kitten and don't want anyone in my home anyway. I think I can manage all this at home. I will be seeing him on Tuesday. That was soo out of character for him to call me like that, kinda got my attention and am I worse off then I realize. I have known him for 30+ years and he knows me well, so I have to trust his direction. His concern is that I am in the middle of a perfect storm and anything can happen and he worries that if anything triggers me I might not be able to control what happens to me. Then several neighbors stopped by to see if I was okay as they have not seen me last week, curtains have remained closed, not answering phones nor texts. I know I have been avoiding alot of neighbors now as I am selectively avoiding those that trigger me and those that knocked on my door I call them "the axis of terror" for what they have been known to do to other people here. So, I had their phones on block. I have been protecting myself while I work on medication and mood and it's nobody's business. Had a game of RummyKub set up for this evening and really looked forward to this all week, and everyone just canceled, really bummed about that. I have had no interest in bath, washing my hair, eating. I can't focus on TV, can't read, nor listen to my book tapes. No interest in anything, I am soo flooded with anxiety/panic. My HMO has restricted how many benzos I take, I have been on Klonopin for 30 years and that takes the edge off, but have to stock pile them due to the restrictions and delays in getting the medication to me, so had to cut back and that makes my anxiety worse. So, back to my psych doc. The plan is to keep me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg) at night for sleep and for mood control for now during the day until I see him next week. It just sedates me too much if I take more than 1/2 of 25 mg in a 24 hour period. But the Seroquel puts the breaks on mood cycling, I just can't tolerate the side effects, they never go away, just increase. So, I am going to suggest to him for sleep (I want to get off Seroquel due to over sedation and muscle rigidity), Ambien or Trazodone. I read up that Trazodone helps with insomnia, panic, migraine. Then I need a mood stabilizer/seizure medication so may go back on Depakote and Xanax for rescue from intense anxiety/panic. I don't want to go back on Lithium. Goal for the day, making my bed and taking a bath, maybe washing my hair.
  6. I didn't realize this until I was reading another post, but here it is again, the first day of Fall in the US in two days. Already leaves are turning colors, falling, and the light outside is changing. Usually every change in season, I have one or two manic episodes. Last night had what I believe was my first manic episode in a long time. But last evening was scarier, all the typical symptoms of mania along with visual disturbances and sensations I had never experienced before. Left a vmail message on my psych docs line this morning thinking this is the smart thing to do, it usually takes alot for me to bother him in between sessions, but he does encourage this, fortunately. I left him the data and left it up to him if he feels he needs to call me back next week. I see him in two weeks. So, I remember my psych doc telling me once in a mood change, one can take a little extra medicine to help. I only take Seroquel as needed, so took 1/2 of a 25 mg of Seroquel and nothing happened. Thirty minutes took the next 1/2 of the 25 mg and finally sleep arrived. I slept 14 hours straight and when I woke up, I woke up to a totally different person. That scary weird out of control mood was no longer there (thought I was going to have to call 911 for help), the cycling was almost gone and slowly drifted away throughout the day. I am 67 and finding that my brain is functioning differently lately. It's beginning to scare me, of course the aging process is very scary. I have addressed this with my psych doc many times, even my neurologist and they do not seem concerned. I had an MRI and all was normal there for someone my age. These are all new symptoms to me, or maybe the same but more dramatic, I think. I have had more than my share of significant triggers last 9 months. I tried therapy last two weeks and actually ran out of the therapists room last week due to a panic attack. I warned her not to push. I even had it all written out for her to read, but oh no, she wanted me to verbalize it and then she swung into asking me about bodily feelings, that was when I ran out of her room in a blind panic. She wanted me to reveal too much stuff too fast and I kept warning her. Will not go back to her. So, now I have to get up the courage to seek out someone else. My psych doc will not refer me to anyone, as is his way, which makes it harder on me. Okay, will close for now.
  7. Finally came clean with my psych. I am sitting here with boxes of the same item (3) of this and that, that I ordered online and don't even remember I ordered these items. I increased my credit line on my credit cards so I could spend more. I find when I am up late at night I order, order, order and don't remember the next day what I ordered until I get an email that an item is coming. I can't leave my home due to panic and high anxiety. I have to stop spending or I am heading for bankruptcy. My psych doc just started me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg - very low dose due to sensitivities to medication) at night and Abilify during the day. I had taken myself off all my meds and don't know why. I have been having confusion, dissociation, fear of leaving my apartment, insomnia, fear of my mind falling apart. So, with the encouragement of a friend, I came clean and told my psych doc everything that was going on. I feel embarrassed, but I do need help and apparently I can't manage all this alone. He did not judge me, he knew something was amiss due to all the vmails I leave on his answering machine. Thinking back, I have gone thru several traumatic events and this could have probably kicked all this off. I am not in therapy just yet, but I need to be. So, thought I would start here for help navigating all this. Here is the list of the traumas I have gone thru over the past 12 months: witnessed and stopped a brutal assault and went to criminal court as a witness, witnessed the sudden death of a close friend, then right after that went thru a forced move to an apartment I do not like, then had a liver biopsy, have been thru numerous doctors trying to find out what my medical condition is, now I have an impacted kidney stone and facing more surgery, tore my meniscus in my knee but can't get to the ortho for treatment, lost 40 pounds due to not eating and having nausea with all the pain I have had. I only sleep 3-4 hours a night, so hoping the Seroquel will help me get my sleep hygiene back in tact. Hoping the Abilify will help with mood stabilization and anxiety/panic control. Those are my medication goals right now. Thank you for listening.
  8. I am going to copy this out and hand over to my new trauma therapist, will circle which applies to me. I met with her last week and she educated me with certain diagnoses I was given that now fall under the new PTSD criteria. I also am keeping a daily log of my symptoms and triggers. CAUTION: May trigger * * * * * * * * * * * * Full copyrighted criteria are available from the American Psychiatric Association (1). All of the criteria are required for the diagnosis of PTSD. The following text summarizes the diagnostic criteria: Criterion A (one required): The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s): Direct exposure Witnessing the trauma Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics) Criterion B (one required): The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced, in the following way(s): Unwanted upsetting memories Nightmares Flashbacks Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders Criterion C (one required): Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma, in the following way(s): Trauma-related thoughts or feelings Trauma-related reminders Criterion D (two required): Negative thoughts or feelings that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Inability to recall key features of the trauma Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma Negative affect Decreased interest in activities Feeling isolated Difficulty experiencing positive affect Criterion E (two required): Trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Irritability or aggression Risky or destructive behavior Hypervigilance Heightened startle reaction Difficulty concentrating Difficulty sleeping Criterion F (required): Symptoms last for more than 1 month. Criterion G (required): Symptoms create distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational). Criterion H (required): Symptoms are not due to medication, substance use, or other illness. Two specifications: Dissociative Specification. In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli: Depersonalization. Experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream). Derealization. Experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real"). Delayed Specification. Full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately. Note: DSM-5 introduced a preschool subtype of PTSD for children ages six years and younger.
  9. Since starting Wellbutrin last august i have felt fairly stable as far as my depression goes. I have felt normal and sometimes almost upbeat in a way that did not slip into euphoria. I started taking Ritalin last year or this year due to insurance issues with my nuvigil for narcolepsy. I also had a......traumatic?? life experience where I learned that my husband had cheated on me and may have gotten this girl knocked up. We are trying to work things out, and I've been dealing, but it is hard. It constantly plays through my mind. She is always between us. That had a big triggering effect on me. Since then, back in April, I have been utilizing my support group and working on building myself back up and redefining my reality. It is a lot of work, but I have managed and I am learning to deal with it better. Lately though, I have felt my anxiety crawling up. I have also been super emotional. Crying for no obvious reason (in that moment, i will be fine and then something as minor as a sigh can trigger tears). I am aware that wellbutrin can cause issues with anxiety. Mine has always been very high though. Can anxiety cause you to cry like depression does? I'm not saying I'm not depressed right now....Just...I don't even know what I am trying to say or ask. I can't think. My thoughts are so disorganized right now. I did have two cups of coffee this morning.. One day I'll be perfectly fine and stable. The next day I may be overly emotional. The next day I may be good again. The next,awful or bad. I started keeping a mood chart about a month ago and it looks like an active seismograph! From day to day I cannot say how I might feel. To my knowledge I have not been diagnosed with rapid cycling anything, but my pdoc is still getting to know me. I was already medicated when I started seeing him with tweaks here and there. I've also learned I do not deal well with change. My husband started a new job and works as a mechanic during the day and a tow truck driver on nights and weekends so it feels like he is always gone. It going to take a lot of adjustment and I have not been handling it well. I've spent the last year applying for jobs and I cannot get hired anywhere. Part of me is thankful because I"m not sure how I would handle working around people, but a part of me is highly disappointed because I want to work. It feels so controversial. I do not want to just bum around and be completely dependent on anyone, but at the same time I am TERRIFIED of getting into the workforce again. I haven't worked in years because I have been home caring for children. Now, they are all in school and I worry, if I find a job then who will be home with them when they are sick? Who will take them to appointments? Things like that. What if I get a job and I can't control my emotions? I break down or have a very irritable day/s? I stay irritable. I always have. I can fake the happy personality, but I won't excel at my job doing that I don't think. I learn slow. I would once again have to adjust to something new. I avoid watching most tv, and listening to a lot of music as well as being around most people because I'm worried I'll be triggered into one emotion or another and not be able to pull myself out of it. People have asked me more than once why have I not applied for SSI? It seems so final I guess. I guess I'm worried that there will be no turning back if I do that. What else am I going to do though? I'm not doing anything currently except for being a money pit. I need to do something to help our household. I feel...what is the word...inept? useless? I'm not sure. I do not even know if my symptoms are uncontrolled enough to qualify if that is a thing. Do you have to be constantly uncontrolled to qualify? I am sorry the post was so long. I apologize again for being all over the place. I needed to get all of that out, but I had no idea how. I tell everyone that "I am fine." /sigh
  10. Hey there! I've been having a very difficult week. I've been on lexapro and klonopin for depression and anxiety for 3 years and the lexapro has plateaued in the last year or so, so my pdoc decided to put me on Abilify about a week ago and it has SUCKED. I'm not feeling any of the positive effects of the meds yet, which I understand because sometimes it takes a while. BUT i have been feeling a whole bunch of negatives. Theres a general brain slowness, like forming sentences and thoughts takes much longer than usual, like if my train of thought were a real train, there is now a huge parachute on the back slowing it down. The WORST side effect so far has been the derealization. I'm familiar with it as it is a side effect of my anxiety. I can't tell if it is a direct effect of the abilify or if the meds are causing more anxiety which is then causing derealization. The thing is, I haven't been feeling much more anxious than usual recently. It's like the derealization comes over me first and then the anxiety follows. Has anyone experienced this on Abilify? If so, did it go away eventually? Did you switch meds? Nothing seems real and I'm getting very very tired of it.
  11. Has anyone become numb, severely depressed, "blank" minded after ECT and recovered? I wasn't depressed prior to ECT, and the "ECT specialist" thought I had a "rare form of Bipolar." After my 5th bilateral session I started to feel "off" and different, and subsequently plunged into a deep depression. A few months later my mind went "blank"/silent after experiencing strong negative thoughts and emotions, and now I feel totally flat (this was becoming gradual until the blank mind), disconnected from my self and others/family, etc. Has anyone experienced something similar and recovered their emotions and "self" again?
  12. I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has. I
  13. Anyone else experience this? It's like I have no automatic thoughts at all, nothing "driving" me - complete loss of automatic inner monologue. I feel totally flat and emotionless - except for negative emotions and fear because of this state. Has anyone recovered from this?
  14. I'm wondering if anyone here's had an nde... I've been realising I had alot of... Afteraffects. Would be very cool to talk to someone about it if u have, or know someone who has.
  15. I have posted many times here (since I signed up), but didn't decide to take the step to tell my doctor until now (mainly because I have been psychotic for so many time and because alter 2 didn't want to) Finally I am telling my pdoc. I wrote him a 3 page letter (is it too much? I am worried I am being over demanding?). In the letter I explain this but with more details and examples and how it began and how it has been since I am 13: 1. Function in diarly tasks, social, emotional, more anxious, more obsessive, more communication with fragments that holds memories, ... 2. Focused on studying, more serious, less interested in social activities, less or none communication with fragments that holds memories... The two communicate, there is not memory loss between them, but there is memory loss when I am 2. and I have to remember what 1. talked about with the fragments. 2. doesn't remember what fragments did inside the head. And mainly three fragments: 1. Fight and hold some memories of physical abuse, paranoid and aggressive (Draco, a child, 7-9 years old). 2. Flight and shy, hold memories of abuse (physical and emotional). (Ashley, Draco's twin) 3. She doesn't have a name and completely freeze up, hold memories of sexual abuse, often secreams and doesn't talk too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It makes me ashamed, I feel like I am faking, but I am not. I am worried he won't believe it, or think I am faking or being delusional. Moreover, last time I saw him (Friday 20) I told him I was dissociating more and he asked me about derealization/depersonalizaton... I told him it was complex dissociating but couldn't explain it. I gave him a letter at the end of the session were I explained some about this complex dissociation, but it didn't have details about alter egos and fragments (he asked me if he could read the letter, I had written it for myself to have something to tell him, but I wrote it while was the alter 1 and during the session I was alter 2 so I was confused and couldn't explain myself). He seemed confused but wanted to understand (I guess that's why he asked me if he could keep the letter) what I mean because I told him it was different from the entities and voices (psychosis), I told him It was something "internal". Maybe he doesn't know about complex disssociation? I am afraid he doesn't know about it and thinks I am delusional or have a personality disorder, but once he told me I dissociate a lot and doesn't have a personality disorder. I am giving him the 3 page long with all details on Monday and I see him on Friday. If you have any advice, idea... help... I am really afraid, and confused... I moved from psychosis... got better... then post psychosis depression... got better... and now dissociation appears again. I never get well.
  16. Hi, I was questioning if I might have Complex PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll start out about my life. I was born sensitive and raised by helicopter parents (In which I am now 22 years old). I had a good, disoriented early childhood, but everytime that I did something wrong, I would get spank, yell, threatened or shouted. My father has ADHD, and dropped out in Grade 7 and My mother has MS, GAD, and Depression, dropped out in Grade 11, (but got her GED 25 years later). My father was nice, and took me out for a drive, but when I did something wrong, I would get yelled, then get a smack bottom, but sometimes I would get a head smack by my father. But his anger was so bad that I ended up detach from my father then I always went with my mother, because she is calm, and nice. Luckily my father went to work everyday while my mother takes care of me and my sister. When I was 2, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (in nowadays, I believed that I was misdiagnosed). At that time, my parents didn't know about it. But now they know it. Sometimes I get spanked by my mother when I did something wrong. However, when I was in daycare, everytime I did something wrong, they would put me into time out and raise their voice, in which I was feeling scared that I am going to be spanked like my parents did, but they didn't, even throughout the years in daycare. But time outs was traumatizing. But one time, when I was 5, they took us to the soccer field, but one time, I must of been acting out inappropriately, and got put into time out into the bench with a daycare worker, holding my hand, and for few minutes, she slightly pinched my hand, close to my thumb. But the daycare workers are nice, but due to being a highly sensitive person, when I was put into time out for being naughty, Sometimes I was feeling hyper vigilant that I am scared that they would spank me. I remembered that when I was 4, they took the children to the Shopping Mall, and one kid from daycare bought a piece of paper towel, then I was like, I might do the same thing, then when they went to another store, I was in the shopping cart and as they go idle to idle, I quickly snatched a bag of smarties, then they laugh, when they got out of the store, they took the bag of smarties away in which It traumatized me (in which I developed kleptophobia and worsen anxiety later in life.). When I was being babysat by a teenager, sometimes I would be put into timeouts if i did something wrong, in which I had a same feeling as I was in daycare that I am scared that I would be spanked. But he is a nice person by the way. In which I remembered after acting out in store, they took me back to his house and put me into time out right afterwards, then they let me go then two hours later, I was put into time out again. When I was 6, I started Kindergarten, my biggest fear is getting disciplined by teachers and headmaster because I don't want to hear their raised voice in which it would result another psychological injury. But by the age of 7, I was sent to the headmaster's office few times. One time, that I remembered is that I refused to go outside in which I got forced to go outside, then after the bell rang, I was sent to his office and I was crying as he was raising his voice, I refused to look at his eye, resulting an avoidance of looking at him. When I was 7, I witnessed my brother was having an accident in his undergarment, in which I witnessed that my mother told him that if he doesn't use the toilet, he would be put back in nappies, in which she showed the nappy to him and It traumatized me, in which at the same day, my emotions and my brain couldn't take it anymore. The next day, I was watching a VHS tape, showing a woman discipling at them, in which I developed intrusive memories while daydreaming, that I'm scared that the woman on TV would put a nappy on me, even people in real life discipling at me, I had intrusive thoughts. *You may seem like a typical childhood, but in my own perception, I was hurt. Over the next few months, I developed OCD-Like symptoms, but while having rituals, I was having distressing images in my head that is related to the trauma. After few years that intrusive thoughts about being put in nappies for misbehaving had disappeared. Even I had an intrusive thoughts on having a wrong character on a wrong TV Show and scared that the main character would get mad at me. It haunted me in which It disappeared by the age of 14. Throughout my late childhood years, My father continued to use corporal punishments, but he finally stopped at the age of 13, At the time, I was making a cuckoo noise at my brother and my father got snapped in which he smacked me in the head and yelled at me, resulting myself crying. but still threatened me with spanking. I used to cry almost everyday in elementary school. Few times, my mother would tell me if I kept crying in school, she would treat me like a baby and put in nappies in which it resulted me having a mild flashback. My mentally ill cousin used to wrestle me when I was 4, in which he covered me to suffocate for few seconds, in which it happened almost few times, but it was so bad that when I was 9, he got involved with the police telling him to stop. Then he switched from wrestling to time outs for no reasons, from the age of 9 to 13, he would put me into time outs for few minutes, sometimes he would keep going and would torture me emotionally and psychologically. When I was 12, I was going to get my telescope that it was close to the staircase, and as I attempted to grab it, it fell downstairs and off from the empty railings and fell into his son in which I was an accident and was put into time out. When I was 13, every time my mother is gone, I would do something that I did not do, and he would put me into time out for no reasons, in which I was sent to the room, and the door has a lock, and I was scared that he would lock me and leave me to starve. One time, he took out a case and took out a razor blade, telling me that he would cut my tongue out, etc (due to dissociation that I could not remember the rest of my traumatic memory). He called me a pussy once, he tortured me by making a noise (in which I had Misophonia) that sets me off into a rage (in which by grade 6, one student spread gossips that I don't like certain noise and they all picked at me, I told my vice principal and got after them twice, but throughout the years, they were picking at me, (not just noise, other things that upsets me) I ended up defending against them with attempted violence and cussing and I got into trouble and told me that I was lying (due to lack of knowledge of Misophonia)), and he made me to do push-ups and told me that my mother is gone forever. Thankfully, my mother had enough and hauled me, my brother and my sister out of his place and went to my grandparent's house, I continue having intrusive thoughts and distressing memories of the trauma for 2 years including flashbacks, I had nightmares few times. My cousin began to take drugs, got drunk and destroyed few walls at my Grandmother's house where I was psychologically and emotionally abused, in which he got kicked out by my mother and went with his girlfriend, broke up few times, then when I was 18, I told him to get out (due to trauma), and by 19, he came to my house By Grade 10, i was sent to the learning center (special education) in which I don't belong to that my IPP English Teacher found out that I was at the Learning Center (usually at lunch), but in the first day, I was on the computer with the Assistance standing back against me, in which it was hard on me, then I left the place and went to the desk crying, then the Assistance sat down next to me and touched me with her finger onto my sides of my abdomen, in which I believed that she was treating me like a baby. I went to their outings and it went well until one day, they took us to eat, and I thought I was going to have a big meal until I found out that they are ordering from the Children's Menu (due to the result of the childhood trauma, I grew up too fast and stopped playing toys at 11.) I attempted to refused to eat the children's menu, and after that incident, I chose not to go with them ever again. One of the fellow with moderate autism was making a noise that triggered my Misophonia, i told him to stop, and the Assistant told me that he's allowed to do it. Few weeks later, my IPP English teacher told me that I don't belong to that Learning Center. Then I finally rebelled against the Assistances at the Learning Center, by telling that I am going out to the Cafeteria, because I was left out from my old friends, and they said, "NO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT TO THE CAFETERIA!" and I was crying so bad and told them "I DON'T BELONG IN THERE!" after a hour of rebelling, they told my IPP English teacher and she told them that I do not belong to that Learning Center in which I won the fight and told me that I will be out in one week. One week later, I was finally set free! (a happy ending for that part) But however I was doing my dance project, and my assistance took me into the Learning Center to do it rather than their classroom in which I rebelled for once again. But by Grade 11 (17-18 years old), they finally shut up. But I began to rebel against my mother due to my undiagnosed CPTSD (in which the intrusive thoughts and distressing images has morphed into a full-blown PTSD Symptoms), and every word that she said has traumatized me and made my condition worse. They even threatened me to turn around and go home instead of my friend's house, she mistreated me once by treating me like a 5 year old child. And also threatened me to take my stuff back. In which it resulted me of having violent flashbacks from it. I began to fantasize revenge via violence against the perpetrator while having a flashback including causing me to scream my lungs out of anger in which the flashbacks went away). My parents was separated for few months. I was happy about it, but however when they are arguing, it increases my hyper vigilance that I am scared that my father would go upstairs and break my stuff, due to his violent anger issues resulting from dropping out from Secondary School and his ADHD. But thank goodness that I did not have a flashbacks but intrusive thoughts. But one week before christmas, my father went in her house with his baseball bat, went upstairs and start breaking the railings in which I thought that he was killing my mother and I thought that he said, DIE! DIE! DIE! but it didn't and I left the house for my safety and I was shaking. I went back in the house and went upstairs to my bedroom and crouched myself in a fetal position, fearing for my own safety, but a hour later, my father was calm and watched TV with my mother. (In which it resulted in having violent flashbacks and revenge fantasies) Few months later, my mother told me to stay with my father every weekend and I rebelled against her because of the past of what he has done to me. But I did spent a weekend but I did not talk to him of that much by staying in the basement for the rest of the weekend. But one day, my father told me that I am going to spend few nights resulting in a full-range rebellion. He took me to the barbershop as I was letting my hair grow long. And shaved it off in which I told my father that I am going to reshaving it off because I don't want to be like him. I rebelled at him many times and I have a thoughts of running away from him because I don't want to be with him and for my own safety. I did researched at school about how to run away from them. But I did not run away due to anxiety. That incident by staying with my father has resulted of having flashbacks and revenge fantasies. After I finally went back to my mother, It took me 2 weeks before I finally re-shaved my head. (Happy Ending) I couldn't handle with her arguments (mostly in the car) and it made my symptoms worse. Few months prior to Graduation, I was having an anxiety attack while riding a bike, then when I got off from the bike at the park, I was feeling dizzy and about to pass out, I drank a bottle of water. I went to the park and sat down on the bench to stop the dizziness, then I told the strangers the story about what happened and told them that I was drinking (in which I forgot to say water), resulting them to think I am suspicious of being drunk, then I sat onto another bench and start singing next to the lady and she left the seat causing anxiety, then I told them about my favorite singer then I sat on the empty bench, then all of the sudden, the police came and told me to get up as they want to talk to me, even though I had no friends at that time, and I told them, "There's something wrong?" and they said, "You were drinking, picking up children and crazy talking" so I told the Police that I wasn't drinking alcohol but the water bottle and I did gave them evidence with my water bottle, then he smelt it and he was like, ok. Then I told them that I wasn't picking on children or even touch them and I told them that I wasn't doing crazy talking. Then I asked him a question, "Are you going to taser me or arrest me" and they said, no, then he asked me why am I in this park, then I told them that I have no friends, then they redirected me to a center to find friends in my age, but I refused to go there due to anxiety. Then I told them, Am I going to be on the Criminal Record? and they told me, "No, everything is cleared" then they left. I was upset and having anxiety attack, in which I went home and told my mother on the phone and she almost going to tell the police, about it, but I told her no, do not call them, because it would make it worse. (Due to fear of being traumatized even more). I spoke to my then-girlfriend on the phone about it. Then the next day, she told me that I am in the Criminal Record but her uncle is a police officer, so he saw it and called the main headquarters and told them about it and they cleared my Criminal Record because it was a false accusation. But I disbelieved her. It resulted in increase of hyper vigilance level, Intrusive thoughts and memory, worsening anxiety, locked myself in my bedroom for few weeks and refuse to leave the house for 2 months, due to fear of police officers that I am scared that they would tell me to go home, also developed Social Anxiety as a long-term consequences. Over a month and the half, they announced that they would check our pockets before going to safe grad party, in which I was anxious that they would reject me due to the incident, but it got eased right after the security check and went to the safe grad party. (But almost 4 years later, My counselor brought me in to speak with the police officer to overcome the fear, and he clarified that I am not on the Criminal Record and explained the process of how it works, in which my anxiety levels dropped, but only 15%). After Graduation, I returned as an undergrad, I had an assistance for a month, before the resource teacher told me that I do not need her anymore, and I celebrated. But the worst part is that I got picked on by other people and told the principal on them, but It was hard to described due to pieces of the memory of the traumatic event. After a month of suffering, They denied that I was picked on and my mother told me that I was lying due to lack of evidence. (resulted in worsening of trauma symptoms) Since growing up I cannot go outside of the neighborhood without a friend, and I began to rebel against her, and I managed to seek counseling and I told her every story that my mother was overprotective. Also I dragged her to her office twice then she tone it down. It took me a year before she finally set me free. Resulting in a huge Facebook party. (But before she set me free, it resulted in worsening trauma symptoms). I began to hide my negative stories to people because I feared that they would tell on her and she would go against me and telling me that I was lying but I was telling the truth. This happens a year before the denial of me being bullied, I told a stranger about what happened, even in the past, then she called her, and I got into trouble and threatened to ground me as I was lying but I was telling the truth in which I was unaware that she was gas lighting me. When arguing in the car, she often puts me down, calls me a spoiled brat, and she threatens me to put into a group home in which I ended up threatening her with suicide, but I don't attempt it, I used that when I am angry and just to leave me alone. I take Klonopin for my Anxiety and she told me that the meds are not working. (In which It resulting in having violent flashbacks, intrusive memories and thoughts and revenge fantasies in which it never went way, especially certain lyrics triggered my flashback.) And last year, I finally spit it out by telling her that I don't like her, due to her obnoxious behavior. In which it resulted into a huge hurtful arguments and worsened my symptoms. As of the result of her, I ended up packing my bags and stay with my sister who is very nice to me and quiet. I helped her a lot and I believed that it was a very happy family. I cut-off contact with my mother for 4 months except for few visitations. Every time that I came to her house, she begs me to come home, but I refused. I blocked her from my phone and I had a happy life, but I went to college at the same year, due to having undiagnosed CPTSD Symptoms, I ended up missing few days from school, being late for class, and almost had a poor performance due to suffering from trauma. Thankfully, my instructor referred me to see the counselor and I told her every stories that I had in my life. And I still see her as of now where she referred me to see the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis as I suspected that I am suffering from Complex PTSD, she invited to her cooking class and workshop sessions. Every time that I told her, she told me that I misunderstood from the past, and sometimes lying, but I was telling the truth, even in the car when she argues at me, she told me that I was misunderstanding in which I was so upset and I questioned that if I have Dissociation Symptoms or she was gas lighting me, so I chose to believe that she was gas lighting. After being set free from my mother, I was in fear, having hyper vigilance episode, and sometimes if I wear certain clothes including a Military trousers and combat boots in public, I became hyper vigilant and I was scared that the police will come, or entering to the building, I feared of what people might think of me based on my looks and behavior and scared that they would report to me (she told me that it's a sign of social anxiety even though I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder). After the stage fright 2 months ago, I took a bus home, I told the stranger that I was having a stage fright due to strained tenor notes (i do very well in practice), but the man told me to sing in my normal voice (in which I had a flashback of when I was trying to imitate other singer's voice, my mother forced me to sing in my own voice, and also forced to wear what she want me to wear before I gained my freedom in appearance and my own decision.) and I told him that I have a good knowledge of how singing works, but he has a lack of knowledge of how singing works (chest, mixed, and head voice) and I think he called me an a**hole, and I told him that I have PTSD and he told me to smoke pot, in which it resulted in a flashbacks, revenge fantasies and having intrusive thoughts and memories. I had a revenge fantasies during flashbacks that I could push him out from the bus and call him a r*tard. I still have the flashbacks as of now. Due to being bullied, I was growing my hair long, and they called me "Sissyface" and it was so bad that I shaved my head off and wore sunglasses. But the happy ending is that I disappeared from public and went to another town to spend the rest of the summer in which it turned out a good one, then I changed my appearance drastically, then no one including the bullies have noticed me at all in which, it was a happy ending. If I have traumatic bad days, I would go to my bedroom and have a nap for 2 hours, then I wake up and pretend that It is a new day. In which I begin to cry hysterically that I love that day better than the last one. After all of these years that I been through, I have thousands of Mental Scars in my brain. I still have flashbacks, hyper vigilance, distressing memories, intrusive thoughts and memories, violent revenge fantasies, severe anxiety, multiple phobias, excessive seeking help, impulsivity (shaving my head to the skin everyday, always on the go and excessive spending sprees), avoidance behavior if hyper vigilance is worsening, avoiding triggers, bits of pieces of memory of the traumatic event, maladaptive daydreaming, excessive crying (after a flashback is over), mild dissociation, mind wandering, fear that I am re-experiencing trauma, blank stare (when being traumatized) social isolation, growing up too fast, and thoughts of running away. I only get mild nightmares related to the trauma, once in a while, but mostly 95% of the time, I have good dreams, (i use it to escape from trauma). I tend to get traumatized more easily when something is bad. When I get yelled at, raising their voice, being criticized, and disciplined, It triggers flashbacks and undiagnosed Complex PTSD attacks causing re-traumatization and psychological shock that could lead to having a future flashback, distressing memories, revenge fantasies, intrusive thoughts and memories of the recent traumatic event, but when telling the counselor, I cannot remember some parts of the trauma. The only symptoms that I don't have is, Self-harming, Nightmares and difficulty sleeping (except If I was having a flashback, in which it lasts from 1 to 3 hours then crying for an extra 1 hour after a flashback) I wear sunglasses to hide myself from the public and to ease anxiety attacks in which without wearing it, I could become dizzy, even can lead to panic attacks and I could possibly faint (due to suffering from an anxiety disorder). Sometimes, I would write a brutal lyrics on Facebook based on my trauma. Would you tell me if i am suffering from an undiagnosed Borderline or Complex PTSD?
  17. I have this thing about me that I haven't told a therapist because in the past it has always been under control or at least predictable and useful. I don't know how to even describe it well because I feel like I am lying every time I try to because I can't figure out how to say what is really going on. This thing about me is changing and I can't stop it or control it anymore. In all other ways I am doing better than I ever have. I don't know if this thing changing is me getting better, it doesn't feel like it. So this is kinda what is happening. I don't think I have dissociative Identity disorder so I'm sorry if some of this sounds like I do. I don't know what this is. I thought it was normal until a reference I read made me think it wasn't and now I am having a problem with it. I have several people in my mind, but they are all me. They are all at different distances from what I think of as my core. Different ones are "the face" depending on what is going on or who I am with. The ones furthest out from my core are what I used to describe as dissociation to my therapist because how that "face" feels seemed to match. Like most panic attacks I have are with my core and when they are bad enough one of the outer people become the face and I look normal to the outside even though I am still having a panic attack. I have always had this since I remember and when bad things were happening an outer person was the face and was sort of protecting the core people. Most of the time in the past whoever was the "face" was predictable and controllable. My core people only come out when it is safe or won't disturb people like crying in front of someone that would be upset by that. I wouldn't say they are different personalities, but they have different feelings and are experts in different feelings or situations, but they are all me. This doesn't really describe well what is going on because I have never used words to say it and so it feels like I am lying. Anyway, there have been some instances where all the people merged into the core. I felt like I was going to explode. I couldn't put on the right face and the emotions were horrible. It was like I was experiencing only being one person, even though I know I am only one person. I felt like there was no walls or separation or something and I was feeling all the people all at once. AHH! I can't explain. Does anyone know what the hell this is? How do I tell my therapist I am freaking out because I keep having periods where I am one person? Do people really only go around as one person all the time? how do they do that?
  18. Hi all, I'm new here, so if this conversation has already happened, would you kindly point me to the correct thread? I'm in a tad of predicament. My therapist wants me to be doing something to express and "process" (whatever that means exactly) both my present and past experiences. Journaling is, of course, the go-to and used to work, but lately it has just triggered me terribly. Last night, after I tried journaling, I felt like I was going mad (I'm going to guess it was a strong dissociative episode...), and I didn't even talk about anything that crazy. I'll keep working on timing myself or art journaling, but at the moment, I'm terrified to try again because last night was so hard. Has anyone else experienced this? What has worked for you? What other ways have you found to express yourself without ending up feeling like the world was ending? Thanks so much for any help you can offer!
  19. Hi I am new here. I am 27 years old, and for the past 2 months have been experiencing the following symptoms. I have been to several psychiatrists and psychologists, who have told me that I am not experiencing anything remotely close to psychosis. A few have told me that my symptoms are the result of chronic sleep deprivation (I have had a poor sleep pattern for the past 7 months). 1) Extreme detachment from people and my surroundings- I feel very detached from my surroundings and people, almost as if they are not real, or as if I am far away. Everything feels "strange" and a bit "off". I know this is some kind of a dissociation I am experiencing, but it causes me a lot of worry. 2) Extreme detachment from my own actions- I almost feel like an automaton, and as if I am on autopilot. I do things essentially unthinkingly. 3) Fear of random noises and objects- I can get scared by any noise or any object, partly because of my detachment from my surroundings, and then I get scared thinking it might be a delusion. 4) Having random thoughts come into my mind at all days- these aren't really voices but simply random words or streams of thoughts that come in my mind- and I wonder why I am thinking them- when I realise that I am thinking them i stop them. It's hard to explain. It's almost as if my mind is distracted and bringing up random things. This happens during the day, but most prominently during sleep, and both before and after falling asleep. For some reason, I feel confident that I am thinking these things (out of control as they are) because they are exactly the sort of things I'd think, and I can stop them at will. When I think these things during my sleep- they sound like nonsensical gibberish. The kind of things are mundane things or thoughts. 5) Lack of motivation to do anything 6) A conviction that I am going insane- that I am losing control of my mind Now here is a list of things that make me think it might NOT be psychosis- Things that make me think I might not have schizophrenia 1) My worry about schizophrenia preceded the onset of these symptoms- I obsessively googled and starting relating symptoms 2) No genetic history in family 3) My worry about these symptoms is far greater than symptoms itself 4) Everyday I seem to be worried or fearful of new things- Nothing really sticks 5) The doctors and psychiatrists I have met seem certain that it's not schizophrenia 6) I carry my activities as well as I used to earlier 7) I talk to people, and unlike schizophrenia I actually yearn for social interaction 8) I have been a hypochondriac all my life and in the past obsessed about diseases that didn't exist 9) There were a lot of stress factors in my life prior to this- breakup, worry about exams, worry about being ill etc 10)I seem to be in touch with reality, and more upset about these symptoms, rather than going through these symptoms unknowingly. It's almost as if I dissect these symptoms. 11) I have been suffering from sleep problems for the past 5 months- I basically wake up after few hours. Psych things this is the cause of these symptoms. 12) When I talk to someone or am involved in an activity- every symptom or worry about it, disappears. The worry really leads to more symptoms. What do you think?
  20. Hi I am new here. I am 27 years old, and for the past 2 months have been experiencing the following symptoms. I have been to several psychiatrists and psychologists, who have told me that I am not experiencing anything remotely close to psychosis. A few have told me that my symptoms are the result of chronic sleep deprivation (I have had a poor sleep pattern for the past 7 months). 1) Extreme detachment from people and my surroundings- I feel very detached from my surroundings and people, almost as if they are not real, or as if I am far away. Everything feels "strange" and a bit "off". I know this is some kind of a dissociation I am experiencing, but it causes me a lot of worry. 2) Extreme detachment from my own actions- I almost feel like an automaton, and as if I am on autopilot. I do things essentially unthinkingly. 3) Fear of random noises and objects- I can get scared by any noise or any object, partly because of my detachment from my surroundings, and then I get scared thinking it might be a delusion. 4) Having random thoughts come into my mind at all days- these aren't really voices but simply random words or streams of thoughts that come in my mind- and I wonder why I am thinking them- when I realise that I am thinking them i stop them. It's hard to explain. It's almost as if my mind is distracted and bringing up random things. This happens during the day, but most prominently during sleep, and both before and after falling asleep. For some reason, I feel confident that I am thinking these things (out of control as they are) because they are exactly the sort of things I'd think, and I can stop them at will. When I think these things during my sleep- they sound like nonsensical gibberish. The kind of things are mundane things or thoughts. 5) Lack of motivation to do anything 6) A conviction that I am going insane- that I am losing control of my mind Now here is a list of things that make me think it might NOT be psychosis- Things that make me think I might not have schizophrenia 1) My worry about schizophrenia preceded the onset of these symptoms- I obsessively googled and starting relating symptoms 2) No genetic history in family 3) My worry about these symptoms is far greater than symptoms itself 4) Everyday I seem to be worried or fearful of new things- Nothing really sticks 5) The doctors and psychiatrists I have met seem certain that it's not schizophrenia 6) I carry my activities as well as I used to earlier 7) I talk to people, and unlike schizophrenia I actually yearn for social interaction 8) I have been a hypochondriac all my life and in the past obsessed about diseases that didn't exist 9) There were a lot of stress factors in my life prior to this- breakup, worry about exams, worry about being ill etc 10)I seem to be in touch with reality, and more upset about these symptoms, rather than going through these symptoms unknowingly. It's almost as if I dissect these symptoms. 11) I have been suffering from sleep problems for the past 5 months- I basically wake up after few hours. Psych things this is the cause of these symptoms. 12) When I talk to someone or am involved in an activity- every symptom or worry about it, disappears. The worry really leads to more symptoms. What do you think?
  21. Hi I am new here. I am 27 years old, and for the past 2 months have been experiencing the following symptoms. I have been to several psychiatrists and psychologists, who have told me that I am not experiencing anything remotely close to psychosis. A few have told me that my symptoms are the result of chronic sleep deprivation (I have had a poor sleep pattern for the past 7 months). 1) Extreme detachment from people and my surroundings- I feel very detached from my surroundings and people, almost as if they are not real, or as if I am far away. Everything feels "strange" and a bit "off". I know this is some kind of a dissociation I am experiencing, but it causes me a lot of worry. 2) Extreme detachment from my own actions- I almost feel like an automaton, and as if I am on autopilot. I do things essentially unthinkingly. 3) Fear of random noises and objects- I can get scared by any noise or any object, partly because of my detachment from my surroundings, and then I get scared thinking it might be a delusion. 4) Having random thoughts come into my mind at all days- these aren't really voices but simply random words or streams of thoughts that come in my mind- and I wonder why I am thinking them- when I realise that I am thinking them i stop them. It's hard to explain. It's almost as if my mind is distracted and bringing up random things. This happens during the day, but most prominently during sleep, and both before and after falling asleep. For some reason, I feel confident that I am thinking these things (out of control as they are) because they are exactly the sort of things I'd think, and I can stop them at will. When I think these things during my sleep- they sound like nonsensical gibberish. The kind of things are mundane things or thoughts. 5) Lack of motivation to do anything 6) A conviction that I am going insane- that I am losing control of my mind Now here is a list of things that make me think it might NOT be psychosis- Things that make me think I might not have schizophrenia 1) My worry about schizophrenia preceded the onset of these symptoms- I obsessively googled and starting relating symptoms 2) No genetic history in family 3) My worry about these symptoms is far greater than symptoms itself 4) Everyday I seem to be worried or fearful of new things- Nothing really sticks 5) The doctors and psychiatrists I have met seem certain that it's not schizophrenia 6) I carry my activities as well as I used to earlier 7) I talk to people, and unlike schizophrenia I actually yearn for social interaction 8) I have been a hypochondriac all my life and in the past obsessed about diseases that didn't exist 9) There were a lot of stress factors in my life prior to this- breakup, worry about exams, worry about being ill etc 10)I seem to be in touch with reality, and more upset about these symptoms, rather than going through these symptoms unknowingly. It's almost as if I dissect these symptoms. 11) I have been suffering from sleep problems for the past 5 months- I basically wake up after few hours. Psych things this is the cause of these symptoms. 12) When I talk to someone or am involved in an activity- every symptom or worry about it, disappears. The worry really leads to more symptoms. What do you think?
  22. Mentioned in a Facebook PTSD group a time when I was 13 I cut myself with a jagged piece of a broken dish. Wrote I didn't realize I cut myself until I saw me bleeding. Some members said I dissociated. Through the years, couple times a month I see cuts at least two inches long. How often do you dissociate and not recall how cuts, wounds got there?
  23. HERE GOES! This will be cross posted in the Disassociation forum if that's not against the rules? I just really need some feedback here before I decide to see a neurologist (which I cannot afford. again.) My name is Ian and I'm 23. I'm currently diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), PTSD, and OCD. However I was previously diagnosed with DDNOS and I still stick to that on top of my other diagnoses because I tend to dissociate quite a lot, but that's under question with this new information. For as long as I can remember (which doesn't tend to be far along the timeline) I've had trouble identifying the person in the mirror as myself. I'm looking at them in a mirror across from my bed as I type this, but that doesn't come across in my mind as "hey that's me!", It feels like I'm looking at another person entirely. And when I look at my hands I can't recognize them as my own. I recognize that I'm the person in control of them, but it feels like I'm the right person in the wrong person's body. More than once I've had episodes of being "pulled away" from this body almost as if I'm having the meat suit peeled off. Even then I can control the body but it feels like I'm outside of it (sometimes I can even move my phantom limbs outside of the body but that's rare). I used to be able to look at my hands and if I couldn't recognize them it meant I was dissociated. But now that it happens all the time I told my NP about it and she said that all of it most definitely sounds like a neurological problem. We've suspected I've had neurological problems in the past due to headaches, balance problems, and some tactile hallucinations, but the MRI she called for produced nothing strange so we went on our merry way and tacked a few new diagnoses on the grocery list over time. I DID, however, have a seizure after falling in the wal mart parking lot, but I had no head trauma and afterwards I felt fine, so I didn't go to the doctor or anything (mostly for lack of funds). It's possible that I've constantly been unable to recognize myself since the seizure, but I DO know that this was an occasional happenstance beforehand. I've done some research online and "Mirrored Self-Misidentification" sounds similar, but not exact. Does anyone else experience these symptoms or should I be on my way to the doctors tomorrow?
  24. HERE GOES! This will be cross posted in the Psychosis forum if that's not against the rules? I just really need some feedback here before I decide to see a neurologist (which I cannot afford. again.) My name is Ian and I'm 23. I'm currently diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), PTSD, and OCD. However I was previously diagnosed with DDNOS and I still stick to that on top of my other diagnoses because I tend to dissociate quite a lot, but that's under question with this new information. For as long as I can remember (which doesn't tend to be far along the timeline) I've had trouble identifying the person in the mirror as myself. I'm looking at them in a mirror across from my bed as I type this, but that doesn't come across in my mind as "hey that's me!", It feels like I'm looking at another person entirely. And when I look at my hands I can't recognize them as my own. I recognize that I'm the person in control of them, but it feels like I'm the right person in the wrong person's body. More than once I've had episodes of being "pulled away" from this body almost as if I'm having the meat suit peeled off. Even then I can control the body but it feels like I'm outside of it (sometimes I can even move my phantom limbs outside of the body but that's rare). I used to be able to look at my hands and if I couldn't recognize them it meant I was dissociated. But now that it happens all the time I told my NP about it and she said that all of it most definitely sounds like a neurological problem. We've suspected I've had neurological problems in the past due to headaches, balance problems, and some tactile hallucinations, but the MRI she called for produced nothing strange so we went on our merry way and tacked a few new diagnoses on the grocery list over time. I DID, however, have a seizure after falling in the wal mart parking lot, but I had no head trauma and afterwards I felt fine, so I didn't go to the doctor or anything (mostly for lack of funds). It's possible that I've constantly been unable to recognize myself since the seizure, but I DO know that this was an occasional happenstance beforehand. I've done some research online and "Mirrored Self-Misidentification" sounds similar, but not exact. Does anyone else experience these symptoms or should I be on my way to the doctors tomorrow?
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