Search the Community

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER TYPE II, AND ALSO I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA. I HAVE HISTORY OF DRUG ABUSE, AND I HAD BEEN ADDICTED TO XANAX FOR 2 YEARS. THEN, BY FOLLOWING ASHTON MANUAL, I FINALLY MANAGED TO DROP OFF THESE MEDS GRADUALLY. AND I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 18 MONTHS NOW. BUT MY LIFE GRADUALLY BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE AND 1 WEEK AGO I TOOK XANAX( AGAIN) AND IT HELPED ME TO DO DAILY TASKS WITHOUT ANXIETY ISSUES. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE THE FEELING THAT WITHOUT BENZOS MY LIFE IS NOT AS IT SHOULD BE WITHOUT XANAX I AM LOCKED IN MY HOUSE, BARELY ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH STRANGERS, EVEN WHEN NEEDED.

I welcome you to rate all the psychotropic drugs which you took in the past or are taking in the present. A short explanation of your experience with the drug(s) would be helpful, so that we better understand your rating. Oh, and please tell us which conditions you treat(ed). Thanks. Rating Scale is from 0 to 5... "zero" being the worst, "five" being the best. _______________________________________________________________________________ Sertraline 2 / 5 - subtle effects. Did help with psychosomatic ailments, derealization and cognition, but caused SSRI-typical apathy & indifference. Not sure if it did anything for my social anxiety and psychomotor agitation. At most minor effects. I did take it for two years. Mirtazapine 2 / 5 - elephant tranquilizer. Didn't like the severe sedation. Didn't sleep well on it, bad dreams. Caused RLS. Was good for appetite, weight gain and IBS. I was on it for two weeks. Promethazine Syrup / Drops 20mg / ml | 3 / 5 - I rather liked that one. At a lowish dose (15 drops or so) it has a nice calming effect on me, without sedating me too much. Lowers anxiety and agitated states. Brings order into chaos. Good for appetite and stomach. I take it occasionally. N-acetylcysteine (NAC) 2.5 / 5 - Is a good supplement. Heightened focus, less derealization, world seems more colorful. Interesting stuff. Definitely worth a try. .............................. Conditions treated: Anxiety, depressive states, psychomotor agitation, somatization disorder.

Soo, Iv been on seroquel XR for 3 years on 150mg, and recently about 2 month ago, I started drinking more and did some coke every couple days, so when I was doing coke I wouldn't take my meds cuz i didn't know how they would react to each other. Did that for 2 month now I just got my refil and I'm gonna start taking them regularly again, and I took on last night after not taking on for 3 or 4 days, and I feel anxious still and sick to my stumach, but I'm really tired like more tired then when I was on it regularly. I'm kinda concerned and i hope that it goes away, any advice would help. Yes im aware this was a bad idea I realize that now which is why I'm going back to taking them regularly and not doing coke anymore.

So, i have more than a year excerzicing, i lost in the beginning like 10 kilos or more. But this past months ive loosing my motivation ans starting gaining belly fat, in part due to my anxious eating i accept it. Right now im always tortured by the fact that im getting more fat againg even if people around me say that no, im convinced i am, also if i dont feel the nergy to exercise one day or i cant exercise for whaterver reason that day i feel like crap, obssesed about the fact that i didnt exercise and that im going to get even more fat. Its hell, also it mixes whit the fact that im quitting smoking and i have other obsessions and also depression. Im feeling very bad, i feel whitout energy and motivation, the girl i was going out decided that i was so "good" for her that she changed me for a 13 years older guy. I wish i could be in a country where i can acces more different drugs for my treatment but in this God forgotten country south to the USA they dont give you new medications or alternative treatments. I really need help.

So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it. To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study). Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food... I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol). So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ). How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person. Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm? Can anyone help me please?

I looked at a number of threads and blogs about meds for MI and how frightened people are and how they hate the side effects and so on. More then one person has commented that looking for personal opinions about a drug are screwed up because its like the news. Reporting bad news is the norm. Reporting good news? Not so much. So what I hope to do with this thread is to hear from people who had a problem (Like Depression etc) and were prescribed something that worked. My first visit to crazyboards was me having a stroke worried that MI drugs would veg me out, ruin my brain, turn me into a junkie etc etc. My actual experience is that it took me from a terrible place and made me functional. I took one thing that had side effects that sucked so I switched to something else. Doses had to be jiggled on everything I've taken but I think this is to be expected. So people. For those that have just been diagnosed (DX) and find Crazyboards.org help them see some positive examples. I'll start with anxiety meds I've used. *Note I am a compliant Boy Scout. I don't change the dose or try to snort pills etc. Buspar. When I was diagnosed I had bad anxiety levels which made driving a nightmare. Every intersection was me wondering if someone was going to speed through the stop sign or red light and smash into me. Of if I would smash the side of a parked car. It took a while to kick in and it seemed "subtle" but driving is at worst just annoying (Traffic) Its not perfect but it helps. I can't think of any side effects that I had and everyone seems to agree its not addictive and you can't get high / addicted to it. Valium - Diazepam. I took this for "as needed" because I would have external BS that would reach a level that the Buspar didn't seem to be able to handle. Panic Attacks (Rare) *Like am I having a heart attack? It would squelch those fairly quickly and seemed (To me) to last long enough that I was dumping a bucket of water on the anxiety fire. I also deal with some anxiety thing like dry mouth, muscles tensed up, breathing (Holding my breath) kind of in the "whats about to get me?" kind of tension. This is always some trigger type of thing. This drug also worked for that type of thing. There are a lot of negative things on the web about this and all benzos. If you look at patient reviews there seems to be a lot of people who rate it highly and don't have problems so... I dunno... I plan on having a long talk with PDoc to find out what he thinks. People can abuse it and its addictive for some. Reading some of the web sites from the UK you would think its bottled by Satan and its worse then Heroin. Maybe its the way they take it? Maybe its that the people reporting problems have 10 presciptions and take it by the shovel full? Xanax I switched back and forth between Valium and this. It worked about the same in as far as how fast it kicked in. The time it continued to work (my opinion) wasn't always as long as I would have liked. To go back to the fire analogy its like dumping a cup of water on a fire. It puts out the small fires and will reduce a larger fire to ambers but the large fires can restart. I've read its the most addictive benzo. I've heard some people abuse it because they report getting buzzed but.... I don't get anything but normal feeling. I use it prn so there are weeks that go by where I don't take it so if its addictive? I'm not feeling it.

Hello Everybody It's my first time on this board and it looks like the right place for me with my current condition so I just wanted to say hey A little about me : I'm 23 years old and recently after developing psychosis :/ (about 3 weeks ago) and its really freaking me out ; racing thoughts, paranoia, delusional thinking, inability to form a sentence when talking to people, hard to concentrate when people are talking to me as my mind would race, fear people were judging me , isolating as a result, and to top it off , a bad bout of insomnia because ofthe racing thoughts. (I would have went to bed at 11pm and not be able to sleep till 6am next day out of exhaustion) I didn't know what to do , so I walked ( very clumsily) to my local A&E and was in an absolute mess when I got there. I told the receptionist I needed to speak to a psychiatrist ASAP and they said to wait in the waiting room , which I did and took only a half an hour but it felt like an eternity because I was just beginning to experience mild visual hallucinations , which kind of freaked me out even more.. So I met with the psychiatrist and he reccomended I take Olanzapine, which I did for 3 or 4 days but I didn't see any improvements in my thinking processes from it. It just seemed to make me hungry and sleepy.. So I discontinued it, and that was about 2 weeks ago and the jumbled thinking was still there. It seemed to be worse during the morning than at night for some reason.. So after 2 weeks, and no improvements , I went to my local doctor and they precribed '' Klonopin AKA clonazepam '' ''0.5mg take 1 - 2 twice daily '' I took one 0.5mg clonazepam tablet about 10 hours ago as of this writing and I must say i feel sooo much better , it is after making some difference. The intrusive thoughts I was having have somewhat subsided , if I were to put it on a scale : before it was 80% , now it feels like its down to 20% . My racing thoughts are no longer racing nearly as much and I feel little anxeity around having psychosis after taking this newly prescribed medication.. Now after doing a little bit of research on this new drug the Doc prescribed me, it is generally for short term use and NOT as an antipsychotic med per se... AND , after a little more research, withdrawls from clonazepam seemingly can actually INDUCE a psychotic episode and hallucinations!! So I don't know what to do now going forward.. I would prefer to avoid medication if at all possible, and go down different routes that seemingly help, like CBT, regular exercise, group therapies etc, I have hope for the future at the moment , though I am aware that I am writing this after takng the new medication for the first time ,so my thoughts and feelings when I wake up tomorrow morning could completely change :/ So thats me, I'm happy to be part of crazyboards, Thank you Joe

Alright--first post, so bear with me here. It took me about five minutes to figure out what to type after that sentence. As much as I'd like to write a memoir on this forum about my insane drug-induced disordered life, I'll try to make my questions simple. Really, I couldn't decide if I should post in this thread or the OCD, social phobia, depersonalization, or addictions one. I used to be a crazy, outgoing kid that loved going out in public. Pulling pranks on people in grocery stores and getting in trouble at fast food drive-thru's were my favorite hobbies. I had been like this my whole life, up until I started using marijuana when I was 16. A few years into my addiction (that's what I'll call it) I had some sort of psychotic break in one of my high school classes. I was on venlafaxine at the time for depression; anxiety was never an issue. I've read of all sorts of these depersonalized episodes due to cannabis use (especially when using as an adolescent). These reoccur and are something I'll have to accept until I find a cure, hopefully. I gave up smoking the day it happened, which was three years ago, and haven't touched it since. The only why my psych was able to help me out was by prescribing clonazepam. It was a blessing until, you know, I got hooked like everyone else. It seemed to slow me down a bit. It took the edge off, but being a socially gimped zombie wasn't what I wanted. After a year I wanted to speed things up, so that's what I asked for; Adderall. I started at 30 and was at 50 within a month. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a better psychiatrist. But, I asked for it, and I knew what I was getting myself into. Whether I have ADD or not, I enjoyed Adderall and have been taking it for over a year (clonazepam for two years). After tolerance built up though, all I was left with was blue hands and feet. I've gone down to 40 milligrams and am really hitting the wall. I need to get to the point; this is only the addiction portion. My life now: I rarely leave the house (or even my room for that matter), take college courses online, write, and draw. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't want to. I do fear conversations though, or people in general. I can't make eye contact with anyone, lose my words between each sentence, and can see myself from their POV. All of this makes me (or how I see me) look like a stuttering, paranoid person with schizophrenia. The only times I leave the house are when I have to, and I rarely take my Klonopin during the day due to the zombie hazes. I have a feeling the Adderall has contributed to a mix of OCD and OCPD. Matter of fact, I believe all of the symptoms that make me a completely dysfunctional individual are due to drugs. The weed started the engine and the pharmaceuticals added fuel to it. I'm trying to wean off of everything slowly right now but it's still a disaster. I just want to be able to make a simple phone call without writing down what I'm going to say first. I'm tired of leaving earth at a family dinner. And I'm tired of needing to carry a pocket-full of pills everywhere I go, if I go. Any comments, questions, or answers to why I define every anxiety disorder in the DSM-5 will be greatly appreciated.

So my husband and I are working on another baby, and of course my thoughts turn to all of the meds that I'm taking. My pnurse and I decided I should only take max 1-2 drugs. After some research, only one of the things I take is relatively safe for me to take (Wellbutrin). Everything else will need to be tapered if at all possible, and just stopped if not. I'm just curious what experience the rest of you might have had with tapering meds for pregnancy. Did you have a lot of trouble being off your meds? Did you have a plan for going back on them after birth? Anything you can share would be helpful.

I doubt anyone remembers me but I made some blog posts and forum posts a month or 2 ago about my snorting focalin and doing benzedrex inhalers along with other addictions and unsuccessful meds. Well, since then I've just stopped thinking of my mental disorders as concrete things and just consider myself bipolar NOS because it's easier. I got the whole motherload of schizoid adhd paranoid sometimes manic depressive disharmoniushellride. But after almost locking myself in to a rehab during the interview, they gave me a tour and it was just like the crisis unit, thorazine zombies and one flew over the cuckoos nest atmosphere. So after refusing to sign the final release saying I changed my mind for about 3 hours a bunch of women tried to put me on an involuntary status even though I wasn't a danger to anyone, they were just mad because I knew more about their jobs and craft than they do, they even kept calling me a condescending egotist saying that's a valid excuse to lock me up. Well, I contained my anger and started to be humble saying I didn't think I was smart. So they tried to lock me in saying I was suicidally depressed because I was self depricating. After that whole shitfest I left and went home. Since then I've pretty much kicked the benzedrex, kicked the opiates mostly, take less klonopin, and have a stable med routine focalin 10mg 2x/day (I still take a few extra of these :S) buspar 15mg as needed (prescribed today, the 5ht1a agonism is a fucking blessing) seroquel 300mg at night (I only take it when I have really bad insomnia) clonidine .3 mg as needed aaanddd I ditched the lexapro because SSRIs are mostly evergreening scams, plus I don't need any serotonin altering to that extent, I did a couple of DXM binges (not to trip, because I take dxm once a month to reset tolerance because its an NMDA antagonist and it also works as an antidepressant) Also finally have a new hobby, I've been reading up on numerology and witchcraft and shit, which also helps me mentally.

I never know if I feel normal, or if I even remember what normal feels like, or happiness even. When I was 12 years old, I was happy. I got bullied, I was fat, lazy, but I was happy. I had motivation and emotions. But I remember stumbling upon a bottle of xanax on top of my fridge, looking at it for weeks, contemplating taking one. I eventually took 1, and I remember feeling like everything was alright, none of my problems mattered. It started as a once a week thing. And then an every day thing. And then, I found a bottle of adderall, when I was 13 I think. Xanax and adderall, my life was perfect. I knew I had ADHD, because I learned about it when I was 10 or 11 and I knew I had it. Eventually my dad found out I was stealing his pills, my parents stopped trusting me, and shit went down. I turned to DXM, coricidin, triple Cs. I spent my entire 8th grade year tripping on DXM, and at this point I was being treated like a labrat being put on antipsychotics, SSRIs, etc. and I know for a fact I mixed prozac and DXM a few times. My band broke up, I lost all but one of my friends, and I was either high or in a chemical lobotoby all the time. I never finished my freshmen year of high school, because I went in and out of treatment bullshit clinics, abusing the cotton from benzedrex inhalers (feels exactly like meth, but with more side effects). Ended up repeating the grade. Sometime when I was 15 or 16, I ended up losing that one friend I had because he got me addicted to morphine and I got him addicted to klonopin, long and confusing story. Dropped out of highschool when I was 16, have been mostly complient with psych meds for the past 4 years, minus a series of hospitalizations, but after that, I'm still almost completely complient. But I just don't feel right. Sometimes I take a break from all meds, for a week, to see if I'll ever feel normal, but I just feel either doped out, stupid, tired, wired, or brain damaged. Is there hope for me, to feel normal (I've been anhedonic and schizoid for years) if I just take my meds (focalin, neuroprotective) , (clonidine, cardioprotective), and lexapro (SSRIs possibly deplete receptors but they eventually grow back, or not, I don't know.).

If yes, why? If no, why do you think so? I am a pot smoker myself and when I first started I thought hell no but now I believe that it is. I speak for myself.. I did try harder drugs after that. It wasn't because marijuana didnt get me high enough. I enjoyed the different effects other drugs and how it was so strong such as pain killers.. Those would be my drug of choice. So yeah.... Thoughts??

Hi crazy people, I'm a 28-year-old guy currently living in Las Vegas. I make films as a career - but I'm taking a much needed break - to work on myself mentally, learn how to play poker, and become a bartender. I have some form of clinical major depression and some kind of anxiety -- once the science actually figures out how to narrw this down, I'll let you know too. I've been using state provided mental health services because I can't hold a job right now... it's helpful for getting you free drugs, but the therapy side is a bit lacking. Aside from group options, I've been waiting over 3 months for my first one-on-one session with a counsellor. Not being brave enough to go to these group sessions, I've started particiating in online forums. So, hi, I'm here. Oh, I also really like weed, and I feel it's just as important to me (medicinally) as is, let's say, my lexapro. I wrote about my feelings on another forum -- feel free to check it out: http://suicideproject.org/2014/03/i-smoke-weed/ And yeah. Here I am, let's share and shit.

DAMN! Triggered myself replying to another post a few days back. Started thinking about how it would feel if I just had one more hit. Then started thinking about how I would go about scoring.... organising a place to shoot up... how to hide it from family... how will my meds react to it. AHHHHHH CRAP! I'm gonna relapse for sure. I gotta think about about the negatives. Psychosis Money work Health Family I'm on a fricking community order EVERYONE will know.... for sure I can't afford another trip to psychosis valley.... But still these cravings are gonna win. I haven't made any solid plans yet...I just have to wake up to myself. I might go to the gym.... ahhh I dunno. I'll never forgive myself if I do something so stupid. ARGH

I've been having the physical sensations of a panic attack for two days. My chest is starting to ache as my heart won't stop racing.. My hands shake, I can't take a deep breath. All this because of shame. I am consumed by shame and self hatred (due to recent behavior) and all the self soothing skills I'm trying are barely taking the edge off. I'm 28 and have borderline personality, and am in therapy. My therapy goal now is to get me back to work after two years dedicated to getting a handle on my MI. Frankly, the idea of going to work absolutely paralyzes me with fear. Two nights ago, the way I chose to cope with this fear was by reverting to the reckless, dysfunctional behavior that defined so much of my early 20's. All I know is that night, I had an incredibly strong urge to be destructive. To sabotage the progress I've made. The "wise" part of me was sounding the alarm, but I chose to ignore it. CHOSE destruction. The night started with me basically chugging a half bottle of wine and proceeding to drive to some bars downtown. Once there I had at least two or three more strong drinks (I'm petite and 5'1" so that was quite a bit) I then begin chatting with a guy who was clearly "on something", friendly but high as a kite. And, my destructive, self-loathing mind decided I was going to I with him to his friends house... Alone. I was led to a sleazy, run down, crack house looking place. I was there with my new "friend" and four of his male friends. Four big men, strangers to me, and all high..I was offered a line of meth..and snorted it. Something I've sworn I would never try.. But again i felt nothing except the desire to escape. I sat down on a filthy bed while my mind an heart raced. I thought of nothing but the moment I was in. I suppressed any and all concern or care for my well being. The stimulant kept me up all night., just sitting.. Doing nothing but existing. I sat in that filthy drug house until the sun came up, and then crept out and found my car. The passenger window had been smashed in. I cleared away as much glass as I could, and then drove home. Another close call, one of far too many. I know nobody is lucky all the time. If I can't control these urges, one of these reckless nights will be my last. I apologize for the rambling and the length, and if you did read this, thank you. I don't understand my terror at the idea of taking charge of my life. I hate Myself right now, and I'm actually feeling afraid to press "post".. But, here it goes.

Addictions are not only dangerous during the abuse of the drug or alcohol, but afterwards as well. Suffering the after math of it is certainly no easy feat, but I suppose this is the price you pay for it. There is no use now wishing that it never happened. It is over now, and all that is left is suffering the damage it left and moving forward. I never smoked a cigarette or did hard street drugs. I smoked weed for awhile, and when I was denied any other type of street drugs since all the dealers were actually looking out for me, I turned to pharmaceutical drugs. I would say I was a pill-popper, but that was not all I took. I popped pills during the day and could easily down multiple bottles. At night I took different cold medicines that made me drowsy so I could fall asleep at night. Even if that meant taking a bottle a night. It went on for three years, on and off. This was during my senior year of high school and my first couple years of college. It was one of the many ways I self-harmed and dealt with emotions that I could not handle. However, I managed to stop. I lost all my friends who refused to talk to me. I had the police called on me on multiple occasions, and even my mom found out. I stopped cold turkey when my lonliness out-weighed my desperation for these drugs. That was over two years ago. Today, I suffer with liver damage. It was discovered during an ER visit while I was still coping with my addiction. It showed up on my blood work, and I instantly knew why, but the doctor dismissed it since I was there for other reasons and thankfully it was overlooked. My main problem that presists today, is that I can no longer take any sort of medication without vomiting. All it takes to make me sick is smelling it. My brain instantly associates the smell of medicine to the sickness I would feel every time I took it. This is literally every single type of medication out there. Pills, liquid form, and chewables. If I'm lucky enough to swallow it after ten minutes I am vomiting. Thankfully, I have not needed an antibiotic for any reason since this problem began, but I know the day is coming when I will need to take something and I cannot. For this reason I no longer take any medication for mental illness when I am strongly advised to do so. I have been fighting this unmedicated which makes it hard for me to maintain going to therapy. Thus, I get no where. All of this coming back to that addiction. The aftermath is challenging, and at times I feel like I want to relapse or resort to other measures (I had a cross addiction with pills and cutting). Yet, despite all of this I am in a much better spot now that I have stopped for two years, and my friends are back by my side every step of the way. Have any of you had similar experiences? How did you deal with them?

I need a narrative or some kind of master, in this way... The point of this narrative must be that it gives me some kind of identity or goal. I understand a job can be part of this, or so can something like an educational goal, as could, I suppose, having a family or a hobby (not that those are comparable). Whatever it is that this constitutes has to challenge me or build me and to form my identity and advance me. I think it must have a sense of progression or of building, but none of my jobs I have had have ever been considered by me as a form of identity, or who I am, though they obviously are part of my life. Right now I'm about to graduate and I am going to try and get a job so now it feels like there's nothing in my life, no narrative. It kind of constitutes a challenge to my being. I felt like if I didn't get a certain grade, I was going to have to kill myself. Now I have nothing and I am filling the days with fantasies of drug abuse and silly spending (which I want to act on), stupid wastes of time like sleeping all day or messing around the Internet, drawing or reading (which are productive, I guess) but I feel so lost and dead and hopeless. I feel like if I got into drugs or something, that'd be it, if it fulfilled my narrative, it'd be me. I've started this kind of regime of loads of exercise and counting calories, and I haven't lost much weight, but that's what's (literally) consuming me right now. I'm looking for a job but it feels false and like it doesn't mean anything to the narrative. This feels like I am omitting a whole chunk of the story but I feel like I could write forever. I just always need something to fill the emptiness and the dead feeling. Can anyone relate? Is there anything I can do or should do? ETA: I don't do drugs! I'm just mentioning my thoughts on/of them. Not that they wouldn't fuck up my life or anything, just sayin'.

For context about what I have been going through, and for how long, please see my recent post http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/66238-things-i-am-ashamed-of/ After many years, I talked to an old friend I was out of touch with and told him what I was going through. He was very supportive, and we talked about many things. One of the things he said was He offered to score drugs for me. I am middle aged and have never been interested in illicit drug experiences, and have actually always been afraid of the consequences. I don't even drink alcohol, although I did in college. He suggested exstacy and acid. Not as a way to get me into the drug lifestyle, but he sees me suffering and he wants me to get better and if I can't get an actual recovery then he wants me to at least have a positive experience in life and get a break from feeling horrible all the time. I find myself open to the idea, although I am afraid. Does anyone have any experience with this? Oh hive mind, what do you think?

Going through this forum section has made me reminisce about years of very stupid teenage behaviour and whatnot, but I am curious about something. I tried Ecstasy probably around 5-6 times and it never had any effect on me whatsoever. A couple of those times I even took multiple pills and I've never met anyone who hasn't had some kind of reaction to this drug. It is not because the drugs were placebos or just generally ineffective (as far as I know). Anyone else ever experience this (or hear of this happening)? It always struck me as strange and often made me frustrated because I wanted to feel good instead of just flat like I've always felt, and it never made me feel anything at all.