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  1. so, i went to the doctors today and they were all freaking out concerned about my weight. I am only 30 lbs. "underweight". under weight my ass. everyday i come home from not eating at school and then binge eat a whole bunch of food. then throw it all up. i made promises that i would eat. but they said nothing about throwing it back up. im suppose to weigh 40 more lbs than my current weight. and im so happy about it.
  2. My therapists want me to go into residential treatment at a place that is trauma focused along with eating disorders. I've contacted places and they were unwilling to treat me because I'm trans and haven't had surgery. (I mean. I'd love surgery but it's not my fault I can't afford it or my insurance doesn't cover it.) I've contacted my insurance and was told they wouldn't cover any centers located outside of Minnesota. Minnesota doesn't have any trauma centers. We talked about so-called IRTS. We talked about Emily program but they aren't in a hospital. I went to Melrose for a short time but I was asked if I am a trans-woman because I was sexually exploited for 12. I'm not trans because I was abused. I was abused because I'm trans. I told an adult I wanted to be a woman. I had always wanted to be a woman. And they said this is how I go about it. Wear this, do that, all on camera. And it hurt. it hurt for 12 years. It hurts that people can watch those videos of me any day all day and it hurts that I won't ever look like a woman I want to be. All I have is not eating. Or at least it feels that way. This is all I can do to control my body. I'll never look like Scarlett Johanson or Gigi Gorgeous or I don't know. I don't know a lot. I just know I want help. I want help and I feel like I've done verything I can. Except residential treatment. Except maybe ECT. More callous people say I need to stop being a victim. Stop feeling like a victim. But. I don't know. It's like every day I am being abused. There are videos of me online. There are predators still trying to contact me from then. I just want help. No place in MN specializes in PTSD. A couple places in Illinois do. And I was excited to learn that. I love Chicago. It felt like this could be me going away from home. Trying something new in a new place away from everything that reminds me of horrible stuff. It'd be in the same state as my favourite painting. Night Hawks. Same state as The Shed, huge fish. A state that's near enough to feel familiar and a state far enough away from my family, from my pain, from my history just. Something new. Does that make sense? I don't know. I'm too poor to get help. I'm too trans to get help. I'm on Medicare, I'm on Medical Assistance for Employed people with Disability. Disabled people. I need less help than people who aren't disabled. So they cover less. Clearly. That just makes sense. Right? I'unno what else to say. I want help but. I don't know. It's all fucked up right? It's all sorts of fucked up. Heh. "If you have a penis you're not welcome here." "We only accept private insurance." That's what I get to hear. I've been . Gosh. I hope people here aren't mean like... You know? Some people are like... Trans-exclusionary. I hope people here aren't so much like that. That would really hurt right now. Edit: I hate how movies have to have eating scenes. All sorts of scenes talking about how tasty this or that is. It's frustrating.
  3. What medications have you found that have worked for binge eating disorder or bulimia? Topamax kinda helps, but I hate the side effects (depression, hair loss, slowed thinking, tiredness, etc....) and was wondering if anybody else had success with any other medications. Or if you've found ways to deal with the cognitive side effects of topamax? Thank you.
  4. Hi, so I'm new to the board. My story is basically that I have suffered from anxiety disorders (and what was finally diagnosed as) Bipolar I Disorder for at least half my life. (I'm 30.) I have also struggled with anorexia nervosa since I was a teenager. While I still meet the diagnostic criteria for AN, it is nowhere close to being as severe as it was before the mood disorder (after a decade of trial and error with medication cocktails) was finally brought brought under control. I currently take Lamictal 200 mg, Seroquel XR 800 mg, and Wellbutrin XL 300, which, in combination, have made me the most functional I've ever been in my life What is NOT under control is my anxiety. I wake up every morning with an overwhelming sense of dread that subsides only a little as the day goes forward. (I have to measure my vitals in the morning for an unrelated illness and my pulse is over 100 from the second I open my eyes.) The most basic interactions with others make me jumpy and, even though I'm usually pretty articulate, I have problems with stuttering and word retrieval around new people (which, of course, makes me more anxious). I do not live an "objectively" stressful life. In fact, I should be LESS anxious than usual right now because my semester just ended. But, frankly, it's made no difference. My brain always finds SOMETHING to worry about. (Good grief...this has gotten so long. No one is going to read this...) Perhaps this is a bit naive, but the thought occurred to me yesterday that if I could just manage this anxiety as I do the mood disorder, I could live an almost normal life. The health professionals and even my family seemed to have accepted that I will live a marginal existence given the number of years I've already been ill; the sheer number of psych (for medication overhauls and ECT) and eating disorder hospitalizations; the fact that the only reason I'm really able to work is that I am the office manager at my fiance's office and he obviously allows me to have very flexible hours. (I've even found out by accident that my mother has started a trust fund for me in case I'm unable to support myself after she is gone. Obviously, this is exceptionally generous, but it also made me feel like she's given up on my ever being self-supporting.) But, frankly, I don't want to be complacent, and I don't the people around me to accept my permanent disability as a foregone conclusion. So back to the point...I don't want to just lie back and accept that my anxiety is going to dictate the rest of my life. At the moment, the only thing that helps is my PRN Klonopin, which I only use when I am complete losing my mind, because I don't want to build a tolerance to it and have it become completely useless. In case anyone is just skimming this, my question is, "What medications (other than benzos) have you taken that have successfully managed your anxiety (either by itself or as part of a cocktail for comormid conditions)?" I'd also love to hear about your less conventional successes (acupuncture, yoga, etc.). I really feel like this is one of the last pieces of the puzzle, particularly because I feel like my eating disorder is primarily anxiety-driven. Not that it would just go away if I were less anxious but that it would be easier for me to engage in conventional treatments if I weren't for, instance, terrified of treatment professionals. I see my p-doc tomorrow and I know I should have posted this days ago (but I just made the appointment today) and I was just wondering if there is anything that you would suggest that I mention. Thank you in an advance to any kind soul who takes the time to read this.
  5. Hey there, My name is Kelsey and I am living with multiple illnesses(bipolar type 3,aka cyclothymia, ADHD, alcoholism, paranoia, eat disorders etc) that my doctor refuses to treat until I gain his trust back.. (I want a new pdoc, but he knows me and my tricks)... I recently overdosed on over 11700mg of lithium, 1300mg of seroquel, 1040 mg of both prozac and vyvance. I had to spend 5 day in the ICU in hard cuffs and soft cuffs. I spend 24 of those hours getting my blood dialysised. The rest of the time I spend was hallucinating my team of nurses were all the enemies in my favorite primetime shows (too many to name on here). I bit my head nurse, bruised her from kicking her in the stomach during the switch from hard cuffs to soft. I escaped my hands from the cuffs and it all seems to be a blur, so much I have to ask relatives if it really happened or if it were just a dream. Once the lithium was out of my system and all the hallucinations stoppedal they wheeled me to a psych ward where I was miserably happy.. no matter what happened, I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face. I was happy. There wasn't a thing nurse, an orderly, doctor, social worker, or peer could say or do to me that would make me unhappy(however, my husband did tell me that my mania was getting good worse every evening he saw me) I . I guess the 5 day ordeal in the ICU really had an impact onot my life and I had yet to realise it until I started to talk to everyone about all my life decisions that haday everything to do with my addictions and mental illnesses. I flip two suvs, got 18 stitches in both wrist. Wrecked four vehicles, been to jail, extreme drug and alcohol abuse, etc. Every action whether a positive or negative impact on my life was because I was living in denial about being sick and walking around refusing help. I live in the midatlantic region. I don't know much about support groups(online or local) that I can meet people like me. I am living with these diagnosis, practically untreated trying to survive. I could write a novel on my life. But I wont... at least not today. Until next time.. ---Kelsey
  6. I've been in remission for a few months now, but recently I've fallen quickly into a total relapse: where I'm doing ALL the behaviours I was doing when my ED was at its worst originally, the excessive exercise and the extreme restriction. I think it's because the stress and anxiety I'm feeling has built up so much that I've displaced it all onto food, I'm not really sure. But how has anyone on here ever dealt with a full blown relapse? I don't want to end up back where I was. I want to try to pull myself out before it gets TOO bad. Where do I start though: the behaviours or the thoughts?
  7. HI, I'm Eddy. I have a long list of disorders, but my big hitter is Bipolar disorder. I have been married and it has come and gone, at least I was young. I have had one eating disorder or another throughout my life as well as self harm. I have doctors and therapists and counsellors, I am living on my own for the first time in my life at 30. (had roomates, parents, husband). I take 18 pills a day and wonder sometimes if I can even remember how it felt without them. As suggested, I am new, so please be gentle. I have a sense of humour, but not terribly ha-ha about my mental health.
  8. The mirror is lying to me, it always has and I fear it always will. I've never liked myself, not since I was younger, and still don't. Even now the slightest comment that could offend that has to do with looks in any way irritates me. I had an eating disorder at 13 years old. I'm 18 and still struggle. I'm not sure if I should go into graphic detail or not, if this disgusts you skip this next paragraph. At school I noticed girls with skinny legs and arms (years back), I couldn't believe how fat I looked compared to them. My best friend at the time told me I wasn't. My mind, my eyes, and the mirror told me I was. I envied the models and the celebs who were so fit and thin. I pinched myself and the fat just thinking about it. That was when my eating disorder developed. I made it a point to eat less than 1,200 calories. Mostly, I would eat 500 cals or less, because I knew I'd burn it off easy. My body hated me...I had hunger pains, felt sick, and yet I started to feel pretty. I started to see my hip bones, collar bones, a FLAT STOMACH, and the most treasured of all, a thigh gap. All of this did not give me extreme confidence though (for those of you considering it don't...). Eventually I started shooting lower and lower. first was 100 pounds, then 90, then 85, to 70. I failed many times, the restriction led to binges, and the binges sometimes led to purging. I won't describe it, however I did not purge very often. I usually was too afraid someone would notice. It was very hard to do, I was more just anorexic than bulimic if there was a label. Weight wasn't my only disfunction, my face and hair too. To this day I hate my face, I am still planning and wondering if I should get plastic surgery, I've always been told how bad and "sinful" it is. Not to ruin my good looks which are clearly not there. While it may be dangerous, I know I have hated myself forever. When ever I look in the mirror, not only do I sometimes feel fat (depending on how much I specifically weigh at the time, for instance any time it's 120 and above + I can't stand it) but my face is like a picasso painting. I feel like my facial features are all wrong and ugly. I horrify myself....sometimes I feel like the hunchback, or a monster. I don't understand why, I am able to find the Mona Lisa beautiful, celebs like Kate Upton, or friendly people of the street are so good looking, but me? I don't fit. My hair is an ugly, boring, dark, black color, yet my skin is pale (most likely because I never even want to go outside with how ugly I feel) I have grey eyes, some say they have blue eyes, mine are a dull grey... I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, please... can anyone relate with hating every...single...feature...part of themselves? Who here? Who else is afraid of judgement, hates their looks so much they want to die? Do you ever think...wow if there is a god, he must really hate me for making me so fucking ugly... or maybe "god the other gender is so shallow" when really they might not be. Worse the "I wish I was dead I'm the ugliest person on the planet." The worst part is I'm now 100% I have BDD alongside my ED, I've never been curvy, when I realized I wasn't I also noticed how stick thin was so beautiful to me that I wanted to be that. It had always bothered me that I hadn't even had big hips or boobs to being with, but once I found myself being the SLIGHTEST BIT fat I wanted...more like NEEDED to be as thin and skeletal as possible. I think if I can't be a beautiful Marilyn Monroe, why not be an Amy Winehouse? Thin and perfect, before she died that is.. I'm gonna ask the therapist about having BDD, I never considered it so much until recently, which is stupid of me. I'd write much more but I don't wanna make this too long for anyone at all to read. Tell me does anyone have personal experiences with feeling fat, and exercising excessively? Eating very little, etc. Tell me I'm not alone?? The mirror lies to me.
  9. Today I went to go see my GP for a check up, I brought up metformin because I need to lose weight, and it's not coming off, like at all! I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight current medications are: Seroquel 50 mg and Prozac 20 mg I know it's the Seroquel causing me weight gain-- I have gained 30 pounds on it. I can't exercise as much as I used to since I have been on it because it slows me down and makes me more tired--- my Pdoc wants me to stay on Prozac b/c it has really killed my depression. I have no choice but to take these meds. The Seroquel is the ONLY drug I have tried so far ( out of many...) that has put me to sleep and kept me asleep. I can't take Trazadone because it didn't work for me at all. Without Seroquel I can't sleep at all-- not a single hour! I can't take Topamax because I was on that for years and it made me stupid I can't take wellbutrin because I had a bad reaction to it when I was put on it a couple years ago.. So I'm stuck. When I asked my Pdoc for metoformin, she told me she didn't want to give it to me because it was used for diabetes or PCOS. So I have to get fatter and get diabetes first for it to be prescribed to me? I exercise as hard as I can 4 days a week, I cut out all carbs, I eat ALL healthy foods and I'm starving and I still can't lose weight... not a pound. I'm sick of it. I'm SO mad. I had a friend who is on Zyprexa and ALREADY SKINNY get it prescribed to her! A lot of my friends get it prescribed to them and they don't even work out or try or eat healthy... It's not fair!!!! Then I asked my GP today and she said NO too-- she said it was only used for diabetes and PCOS, parroting my what my Pdoc said. Is that true? Aren't there people on here who just take it for weight loss? I'm so MAD ... obesity runs in my family... my dad has the same problem... he has to eat under 1000 calories a day to even maintain his weight... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO UNFAIR! I already have PTSD from being teased ALL though school for being fat and I have BPD symptoms that make me sensitive to what other people think about me and I had just lost 60 pounds by working out ALL THE TIME and eating perfect and then I have a relapse and had to go back on SEROQUEL after 5 years of being off of it and now this is happening to me! I am doomed to be FAT forever! sorry if this post is long and I am ranting
  10. This morning I went to my daily IOP where I had to fill out a daily report card for how I had done during the 24-hours since leaving IOP and it was not a pretty report card either. In the past 24-hours I have purged, cut, and anorexia is in control of my eating; let’s just say I wasn’t looking forward to having to turn in my report card especially since my therapist was running this morning’s IOP session. Part of the IOP sessions are what they call mindfulness exercises; exercises designed to help you get back to center and slow your mind down so you can deal with whatever is going on around you. So far they have not been helpful as I have not yet been able to slow my mind down enough long enough to focus on the exercise. However, sometimes it takes something little like a Life Savers candy to make you realize how out of control things have gotten; or more appropriately just how out of control you eating disorder is. For one of the mindfulness exercises a bag of Life Savers was passed around the table with everyone being instructed to take two Life Savers and to be sure they kept one for the exercise. When the bag came around to me, I took it and instinctively checked the nutritional information printed on the bag; serving size – 4 candies, calories per serving XX. This of course means each candy has XX/4 calories in it, which in the grand scheme of the universe is nothing, but…I found myself in an internal debate with myself about those XX calories (which represented the first calories I would have consumed today). I will admit the smell of the candy was enticing and for a moment, I considered eating the candy and my anorexia could go to hell. That was just one of many thoughts that went through my mind but it was not the thought that won out in the end. When it came time for the exercise we were instructed to take the candy, hold it in our hands, feel the candy, the raised lettering on the candy, and then to put the candy in our mouth. That was where the exercise ended for me; the internal debate with myself resumed and in the end anorexia won when I tossed the candy into the trashcan. I’m not sure which I’m more upset with, myself, my anorexia, or the therapist for having a mindfulness exercise that involved food…guess I’m upset with all the above for various reasons. Sometimes it only takes something as small as one piece of Life Savers candies with XX calories to make you realize how bad your eating disorder is. Since I could not bring myself to eat that piece of candy, it tells me my ED is the one currently in control… I've been able to live with my anorexia in remission for a long time, so I know I can get back to that; it's just so f'ing hard sometimes and this only helped show how far I still have to go
  11. Sorry, this is a bit long but it would be great to hear your thoughts on this. I hope this is the right place. My GP, who (along with my therapist) had been treating me for depression has decided I'm too tough a nut for her to crack and last time I saw her said she'd refer me to a psychiatrist, which I thought was a good idea too. Today I got a letter with an appointment in the post but it's for an evaluation with the eating disorder programme of the clinic and not a general adult psychiatrist as I'd been expecting. It's true that I've lost quite a bit of weight during this "episode" and I'm a fairly skinny person anyway so it is something I have to work on - I'm definitely underweight. I'd just thought it was because of having a crappy appetite because of being depressed. My appetite actually got a bit messed up before I got depressed because I had a tonsillectomy and my painkillers made me puke so all I could take was acetaminophen/paracetamol. It was too painful to eat anything other than bits of smoked salmon for about 2 weeks AND I lost the ability to taste sweet things for a couple of months because of nerve damage. So unsurprisingly I lost some weight then. This and school type stress sort of tipped me over the edge from sorta depressed but functional to very depressed and not functional at all, to the point where I wasn't really capable of organizing food for myself, and then SSRIs made me feel a bit sick so more weight loss there. And since then I haven't gained any weight back, despite trying, and lost more. I don't get as hungry as I used to and I fill up sooner plus there's the whole not being interested or enjoying much, which I put it down to lingering depression symptoms. So, yes, there is a bit of a problem there. But literally the only symptoms of an eating disorder that I have is that I'm not maintaining a healthy body weight, and depression/withdrawal/insomnia. I also cook for my family a lot but that's nothing new. Am I missing something? Am I just being referred because its what you do with underweight young women with some sort of MI going on? I'm not offended or anything and it might be helpful so I'll definitely go along and get an evaluation. I'm just a bit perplexed and my GP is on leave so I can't ask her!
  12. Hey y'all. So I have been on low dose Seroquel for over a year now. 25-50 mg daily and I'm thinking of increasing it. I'm also on Prozac ( generic) 20 mg/ per day. I have really bad problems with sleep, and the Seroquel helps with that, and other stuff. Anyhoo, I want to lose some of the weight I have gained on Seroquel ( hummm, somewhere between 15-20 lbs, mostly from not exercising as much as I did before the Quel' and eating more carbs and sweets and more at night) I'm wondering if it's possible to lose weight on some meds. I read a lot of messages on this board going " I'm on Zyprexa ( or Seroquel or Abilify) and I have gained 10, 20, 30 lbs without a change in exercise and diet". That s*** is really scary to me. I have stopped eating almost entirely in the last couple days because I'm scared the Seroquel is going to make me gain more and more weight no matter what. I am even afraid that the Seroquel will make me gain weight even as I eat nothing. Is it possible to gain weight on an AAP when you are extreme dieting? I mean wouldn't the person stave to death? Is this an irrational fear? My Pdoc said if there was calorie deficit on ANY med ( even Zyprexa ) I would be able to lose weight or at least maintain where I am now. I need to be reassured somehow, so I can just eat healthy and exercise. I am recovering from an ED and I don't want to be sucked back in to the world of starvation, it makes me more depressed to starve and could kill me. thanks in advance, Sleepy.
  13. Hey everyone. I am a diagnosed bulimic and I have major issues with binge eating. For my 5'4" frame, being over 160 lbs is torture due to my anorexic past of being underweight. Anyways, I realized I couldn't live like this anymore and just started doing the day intensive treatment program at the Renfrew Center in the US. Has anyone been to an ED treatment center? Did it help? I'm having issues sticking to my meal plan and not binging horribly at night, mainly due to my fear of going to bed on an empty stomach and insomnia-like tendencies. Anyways I started mid-week last week and would like any input from you all!
  14. Hi everyone I'm an expat who moved abroad to live with my partner and I would describe my situation as "failure to thrive." I've had depression in the past as well as anxiety. I used eating disorders to cope for many years. I just started some treatment for my anxiety (beta blockers), but it's not yet touched my depression. There is a lot of self-loathing happening. I am homesick and not getting out much because I am unemployed (although I do volunteer and work on a casual basis). When I moved here a few years ago, I had just graduated with the top of my class, was freshly married, and things were looking up. However, I was so stressed from it all that I kind of collapsed into a depressed state. I had a few temp jobs and applied and applied for many jobs, but never did find anything permanent. It really crushed my confidence and now I let the fear of rejection and fear of being labeled a failure cripple my job search. I'm feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool of being motivated for a job search, knowing that I'd be a great employee with even a modicum of support, and then a crash back to being paralyzed when I know I won't even get a chance. I'm fairly isolated and have only made a couple of friends here and I'm just sick my predicament. I'm hoping that I will find (and give back) the support here of like-minded individuals who are looking to affect positive change in their lives. Thanks for reading.
  15. I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and binge-eating disorder, and I'm 99 percent sure I'm suffering from comorbid depression. I have been seeing a therapist on and off for the past few years, but I'm currently living and working in a very remote area, and my options are *extremely* limited (the best I can do is a marriage counselor and an LBGT therapist who specializes in addictions, and neither of them accept my insurance). I feel absolutely out of control and helpless. I have two months' worth of Wellbutrin that I've considered taking to help me with the depression, but it exacerbates my anxiety. I haven't been able to stabilize my binging, which has also been out of control. I keep trying to practice stress-relieving techniques and read self-help books, but it feels like things continue getting worse. I take Klonopin as needed, but it's not nearly as effective as Ativan was (my psychiatrist, who is now out of network and on the other side of the country, decided the Ativan was too strong). My psychiatrist also prescribed Paxil, which I have, but I'm too terrified to try it because of the potential weight gain (I had the pleasure of that on Lexapro). I'm also scared to start a medication when I no longer have access to a specialist. I'm gaining weight already because of the binging, which is severely stressing me out. Do any of you have advice for someone in my position who doesn't really have access to therapy? My insurance doesn't cover phone sessions, but I could really benefit from talking through my issues with someone. I'm beginning to wonder if just talking to anyone at all is better than what I'm dealing with.
  16. Okay, so.. My crazyboards blog title here used to be 'happiness is a warm pizza.' Now, I don't agree with that. Lots of things have happened to make me realize what kind of problem I have. When I was visiting my girlfriend, I was disappointed when we didn't eat as much as we could have. I stole a slice of pizza from her when her grandmother said it was okay, even though she didn't get to eat much of it at all. We went to a sushi bar, and I was pouting-- pouting-- when she told me to put a little plate back because we reached our 20 dollar budget. My whole life has revolved around food. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm angry, I eat. I look forward to food every day. Well, recently I haven't been looking forward to it as much as I have in the past. Whenever I eat, I feel like I shouldn't be. Hell, I went to the doctor last week and I weighed 270. That's about 24 more pounds than I weighed over the summer. I went back today, and I was 277lbs. Granted, I was wearing a heavy jacket, I still.... God, I knew I had to curb my appetite, but this means I really really need to lose weight. I'm a compulsive overeater. I have been since my father decided to overfeed me as a baby. It just stuck. And now I'm pushing 300lbs and wondering what the hell I'm going to do. I feel like I'm out of control. My weight is just the icing on the cake. I eat like a pig, and I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. All I see is fat. I used to just see chub, but now I'm morbidly obese and I just.. I feel awful. I'm trying not to eat as much as I have before, and I've been doing a good job, but I think it's the things I eat. I don't know. I just wanted to put this here. For the first time in a long time I feel like my body is out of my control and I hate not having control within myself. I hate it. I hate it so much. I'm going to talk with my tdoc about this. I just wanted to .. you know, put this here. I'm going to need help. If anybody has any advice, it would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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