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Hello all. I would like some more personalised advice on what I should do. I have previously consulted a psychologist, which wasn't that much of a sucess. In very short: I met a guy whom I trust completely, as the only one. We've shared our stories and are both quite broken. I care extremely much about him, and I want to try a relationship with him (he has already said he's interested). But I'm scared. I started getting seriously stressed out, last time I was in a relationship. Last time, I had an anxiety attack and my immune system fell so much I was almost consistently sick. I don't feel anything when kissing, and when I'm about to have sex, my body starts stressing out, I get very scared and most of all want to curl myself up in a corner. We have a fantastic friendship going on at the moment. I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice? Background story (which I try to keep short): I grew up with a very ill mother (sclerosis, a slow breakdown of the nervous system), and has thus lived with a constant flow of nurses in my house. My mum told me that her goal was to survive until I was confirmated (age 13). She suceeded. My mental health had at this point already started degrading. Around the age of 12, I started getting a ton of self-esteem issues. This escalated over the years, especially after my group of "friends" decided to totally isolate me around the age of 13. Then, I wasn't worthy of their company, I wasn't worthy of feeling good, I wasn't worthy of my mothers love. I had no energy whatsoever, cried on a regular basis, felt either depressed or nothing at all, started cutting and started having suicide thoughts. While this was going on, I kept up a camouflage. My parents couldn't know. They had enough to worry about. If I could be perfect, my mum would be happier. At the age of 16, I started high-school. My depression disappeared temporarily, and I felt absolutely wonderful for a couple of months. Then it all came back. With my new friends, I would laugh, dance and be full of life. On the inside, I sometimes felt nothing at all - sometimes like I was going to break into pieces. And sometimes, my body would start stressing out by shaking, when I was together with many people. My chest would (and did the previous years, too) feel like it was being crushed. I started to get ticks. At home, I started cutting. Ran desperately away from my home on several occasions to get away from all the nurses and all the stress, ultimately to collapse in the nature somewhere. When the suicide thoughts wouldn't leave my mind, I finally gave up my camouflage and told my parents how I felt. My dad didn't believe me, while my mum cared so much she told our doctor. Talked with my doctor, was diagnosed with emotional stress. I started seeing a psychologist. After 8 months, I DID feel much better. The depression had disappeared and the symtoms of the emotional stress had lessened greatly. I can't, however, feel as much anymore. I don't really feel sorrow. I can't miss a person anymore. I don't care about most of my friends. I can't feel anything in the situations, where my body stresses out, unless the anxiety follows. I don't feel anything when kissing someone. My mum died when I was 18. I was over it 1-2 days later. 1½ years after my menstrual cyclus/hormonal balance started to stabilize for the first time. I started university and initiated my first relationship. I had some feelings for the guy the first week. The next few months he, in my head, was my tool to get experience romantically. As said previously, I had an anxiety attack a couple of hours after our first date. My body became so stressed out in these months, my immune system deteriorated. He fingered me two times, where I was shaking a lot, felt scared and wanted to curl myself up in the corner or flee. I forced myself to give him a blowjob because I was so tired of my own reactions, that I figured I had to force myself through it, to get over it. I've been let down on several occasions over the years, both by my "friends", my teacher and my parents. It's extremely difficult for me to trust people. And now I have this mentally intimate friendship with this great guy, who makes me feel much safer and relaxed than anyone ever has. He can relate to a lot of the problems I have, and has his own little collection. As said in the beginning: I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice?
I don't know what my official diagnosis/es are, because I've been to so many psychiatrists, psychologists, and admitted 3 times to the psych ward, and I always get a different diagnosis every time. Bipolar 2, Bipolar NOS, OCD, adhd, aspergers, etc. but my gut feeling is that I have aspergers. From when I was a toddler to when I was like 8 I had a big imagination, like I could get by without any toys or anything, because I never liked them. I used to just sit alone and think. I never had many friends, and that didn't bug me. I was in my own world, but I still was able to function, but I was extremely socially awkward. I did ok in school, but as I got older it got harder and harder to focus, and when I was 10 I hit puberty, precocious puberty is a symptom of aspergers. By the time I was 12 I just changed... almost instantly. My voice went from an annoying 12 year old prepubescent voice to a monotone deep voice. I just, lost all enthusiasm in everything, and people could tell I was changing just by my voice. My social anxiety lessened, and my maturity just skyrocketed. I'm not being an egomaniac, but when I talked to teachers or parents they were stunned. They always told me how I look, sound, and act like an adult. Except something was missing. I had no empathy towards anyone, even though thats a common aspergers trait that I already had, but I mean, I just felt like I had no soul. At 13 I got into drugs, first xanax, which was like a lifesaver, it made me feel at peace, like everything in the world was just calm, I didn't even know what true emotions felt like until I started self medicating with adderall. That just changed me again, but in a positive way. It didn't make me high, it just made me able to connect with other people, and it made me interested in life, and motivated. For the first time I felt what it was like to be normal.. I know there is no such thing as normal but I mean, I felt like everyone else felt. I wasn't disconnected anymore. I kept self medicating with both drugs when I was 13, but right around when I turned 14 my parents found out, and the loss of emotions completely sent me into a pit. I don't even know what depression feels like, if its being sad, or just not being happy. Well I just felt dead. I started to abuse DXM (a dissociative drug) because I needed something to help me. That just sent me down a terrible path. Eventually I recovered from the constant dissociation, and began to use benzodiazepines and stimulants occasionally. At this point I still was unmotivated, strung out and frustrated, and still monotone voiced. I also felt empty, like I was in purgatory. It's like looking at myself do things automatically, but this only happened sometimes. I think thats what depersonalization is. At 15 or 16 I became addicted to benzedrex, an over the counter stimulant that is almost identical to meth. That gave me a little bit of clarity, but it also made me hallucinate, which got me interested in using drugs recreationally. I'm still addicted to that benzedrex stuff, even after a few years. I tried an intensive outpatient rehab place, didn't work because I felt no empathy, plus I didn't even want to change. eventually I quit going. I had a 4 day benzedrex binge and I am so psychotic and dissociated, even though my last dose was yesterday. And even seroquel won't help the psychosis, xanax won't help the anxiety/emptiness, I tried everything. All my meds, they won't work. I'm at such a loss right now.