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Ever since I was young I've always dreamed that I'd end up becoming rich and famous and become a well known celebrity or something. There's also other things that I dream that I could be like, such as being really beautiful and going on magical fantasy adventures where I travel to various places and stuff. But the real world is a piece of shit and it's very likely that will never be the case. I'll never live in a mansion and be so famous that people make biographies and documentaries about my life and the things I've done that made me famous. I'll always be hideous and I'll never go on some fantastic quest or anything of the sort. I'll die without having accomplished anything meaningful. Because I can't be things that I want, I don't like myself and see nothing good about myself. People try to convince that I'm not worthless and there are good things about me but none of those things really help anything in the end. I can't feel pride in them because I don't have the things I mentioned. I can only like myself if I live the life I've laid out above. I don't want to be anything else and can only feel truly happy and satisfied with my life if I'm like that.. What can I do? Is it possible to like myself despite the fact I'll never be who I truly want to be?
I've always had issues with Envy. I get intense feelings (even when Highly functioning & not depressed) that everybody around (but me) is thriving, achieving satisfaction and moving towards self-actualization in life. I can’t escape feelings of failure, anger with myself. Drowning in hopelessness no matter what I do. Specifically, I’m envious of people that: Are “Normal” and don’t struggle daily with this invisible disease of mental illness. Are successful with a rewarding (or decent/productive) career. Easily move through life & have achieved “The Dream” (house, family, career, general satisfaction). Have children (those who don’t struggle with infertility). Have a large family (both parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws, etc). Have creative outputs (creative talents, hobbies and drive or inspiration to create). Are mentally healthy and able to contribute to society, leave a legacy, or make a difference in the world. Is there ANYTHING that helps stop these feelings/thoughts?! CBT doesn't work for me. I can't rationally "meditate" it out of my mind, making gratitude lists has not helped...As a child, before I was diagnosed depressed, I was very capable, bright, engaged in life - now I can’t get off the ground, always going through the motions. Envy is destroying any progress I make and is suffocating at times.