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Found 4 results

  1. I fucking hate how ugly I am. I have naturally curly and wavy hair like that girl on Peanuts. It's really messy and whenever I try to comb it always goes back to the way it was as if I've never combed in the first place with 3 minutes. Everyone at school makes fun of me by calling me a "crackhead" and a homeless person because of my hairstyle. I am also morbidly obese, weighing 237 pounds. I hate how fat I am and I used to wear jackets all the time even in the summer to try to hide my fat. I also try to hold my breath to be temporarily skinnier. I trying to lose weight but it's impossible as I don't have access to any gyms especially since I'm only 16 and I'm not really the well off type. I also eat a shitton and I'm really impulsive about it. I'll try to commit to eating less and healthy but 5 seconds later I've downed a whole tub of ice cream and I've only realized it when it's too late and I feel guilt. I've contemplated starving myself as a result to lose weight. Is anyone else going through similar stuff? Anyone have any advice?
  2. Is this common? 9 months ago, I was the EXACT same weight as now (weight doesn't really fluctuate), however, at that time, I was 2 sizes smaller, and my Bra size (hadn't changed from High School) suddenly shrunk a cup size, clothes were baggier, arms/stomach/butt were skinnier. Basically VERY skinny, but fit/healthy (no flab). Now, I'm noticeably bigger, with stomach pooch (a donut is accumulating around my waist line) skinny jeans are now butt-squeeze too tight, upper inner thighs are rounder, bra size is back to the size it was. My diet and activity level has been the same....! How is it possible, I could gain so much flab in 9 months, without the scale budging an ounce?? I've been maintaining my usual cardio, weight training and sculpt classes 3xper week at gym. Have I just lost muscle and gained twice as much fat or something? How can I tone/slim back down again? WTH happened to my shape?
  3. So, i have more than a year excerzicing, i lost in the beginning like 10 kilos or more. But this past months ive loosing my motivation ans starting gaining belly fat, in part due to my anxious eating i accept it. Right now im always tortured by the fact that im getting more fat againg even if people around me say that no, im convinced i am, also if i dont feel the nergy to exercise one day or i cant exercise for whaterver reason that day i feel like crap, obssesed about the fact that i didnt exercise and that im going to get even more fat. Its hell, also it mixes whit the fact that im quitting smoking and i have other obsessions and also depression. Im feeling very bad, i feel whitout energy and motivation, the girl i was going out decided that i was so "good" for her that she changed me for a 13 years older guy. I wish i could be in a country where i can acces more different drugs for my treatment but in this God forgotten country south to the USA they dont give you new medications or alternative treatments. I really need help.
  4. The mirror is lying to me, it always has and I fear it always will. I've never liked myself, not since I was younger, and still don't. Even now the slightest comment that could offend that has to do with looks in any way irritates me. I had an eating disorder at 13 years old. I'm 18 and still struggle. I'm not sure if I should go into graphic detail or not, if this disgusts you skip this next paragraph. At school I noticed girls with skinny legs and arms (years back), I couldn't believe how fat I looked compared to them. My best friend at the time told me I wasn't. My mind, my eyes, and the mirror told me I was. I envied the models and the celebs who were so fit and thin. I pinched myself and the fat just thinking about it. That was when my eating disorder developed. I made it a point to eat less than 1,200 calories. Mostly, I would eat 500 cals or less, because I knew I'd burn it off easy. My body hated me...I had hunger pains, felt sick, and yet I started to feel pretty. I started to see my hip bones, collar bones, a FLAT STOMACH, and the most treasured of all, a thigh gap. All of this did not give me extreme confidence though (for those of you considering it don't...). Eventually I started shooting lower and lower. first was 100 pounds, then 90, then 85, to 70. I failed many times, the restriction led to binges, and the binges sometimes led to purging. I won't describe it, however I did not purge very often. I usually was too afraid someone would notice. It was very hard to do, I was more just anorexic than bulimic if there was a label. Weight wasn't my only disfunction, my face and hair too. To this day I hate my face, I am still planning and wondering if I should get plastic surgery, I've always been told how bad and "sinful" it is. Not to ruin my good looks which are clearly not there. While it may be dangerous, I know I have hated myself forever. When ever I look in the mirror, not only do I sometimes feel fat (depending on how much I specifically weigh at the time, for instance any time it's 120 and above + I can't stand it) but my face is like a picasso painting. I feel like my facial features are all wrong and ugly. I horrify myself....sometimes I feel like the hunchback, or a monster. I don't understand why, I am able to find the Mona Lisa beautiful, celebs like Kate Upton, or friendly people of the street are so good looking, but me? I don't fit. My hair is an ugly, boring, dark, black color, yet my skin is pale (most likely because I never even want to go outside with how ugly I feel) I have grey eyes, some say they have blue eyes, mine are a dull grey... I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, please... can anyone relate with hating every...single...feature...part of themselves? Who here? Who else is afraid of judgement, hates their looks so much they want to die? Do you ever think...wow if there is a god, he must really hate me for making me so fucking ugly... or maybe "god the other gender is so shallow" when really they might not be. Worse the "I wish I was dead I'm the ugliest person on the planet." The worst part is I'm now 100% I have BDD alongside my ED, I've never been curvy, when I realized I wasn't I also noticed how stick thin was so beautiful to me that I wanted to be that. It had always bothered me that I hadn't even had big hips or boobs to being with, but once I found myself being the SLIGHTEST BIT fat I wanted...more like NEEDED to be as thin and skeletal as possible. I think if I can't be a beautiful Marilyn Monroe, why not be an Amy Winehouse? Thin and perfect, before she died that is.. I'm gonna ask the therapist about having BDD, I never considered it so much until recently, which is stupid of me. I'd write much more but I don't wanna make this too long for anyone at all to read. Tell me does anyone have personal experiences with feeling fat, and exercising excessively? Eating very little, etc. Tell me I'm not alone?? The mirror lies to me.
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