Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'fear'.



More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Forums

  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
    • Bipolar Spectrum Disorder - The Pole Dance
    • Depression - Let a WHAT Be My Fucking Umbrella? (Sod You, Perry Como)
    • Self-injury - The Cutting Board
    • Personality Disorders - Fuck Off! No, Wait. Fuck Me Now!
    • Eating Disorders - Hell's Kitchen
    • Substance Abuse / Addictive Behavior - 8-balls, Highballs, Deal Me in One Last Time
    • Panic / Anxiety Disorders - What, Me Worry?
    • PTSD and Trauma- Duck and Cover. Again and Again.
    • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Click Here Repeatedly
    • Social Phobia - Behind Paranoid Eyes
    • Dissociative Disorders - Now where was I?
    • Schizophrenia and Various Psychoses -- Jesus Had a Twin Who Knew Nothing About Sin
    • ADD/ADHD - Could You Say That Again? I Was Listening to My Head.
    • Autistic Spectrum Disorders - What Part of English Don't You Understand?
    • Migraines and Other Headaches - Not Tonight, Dear
    • Neuropathic and Chronic Pain
    • Seizure Disorders - Shake, Rattle and Roll
    • Sleep Disorders - Perchance to Dream
    • Allergies: Benadryl? No, But I Have a Cousin Who Was a Dremel.
    • Hormone and Glandular Problems - How Do You Make a Hormone? Kick Her in the Ankle.
    • Not Otherwise Specified - Put your finger on your NOS, on your NOS
  • Meds and Other Crap That Make Life Tolerable
    • Anticonvulsants / Mood Stabilizers - Bodies A-Twitchin', Moods A-Switchin'
    • Antidepressants - If You're Crappy and You Know It
    • Cocktails - Medicated to the Gills and Floundering
    • Antipsychotics / Neuroleptics / Major Tranquilizers - The Acme Pill-O-Matics
    • Miscellaneous Medications & Miscellaneous Questions About Meds
    • Benzodiazepines - Take a Chill Pill!
    • CNS Stimulants - Warped & Wired
    • Side Effects - It Turned Me into a Newt! A Newt? I Got Better.
    • What The Hell is THAT? - Medical, Nutritional, and Lifestyle Alternatives
    • Therapy - The Other Half of the Puzzle
    • ECT etc. - Watt's up, Doc?
  • Crap You Read About
    • Academic Interests - Geek Out While You Freak Out
    • Books Reviews - Self Help and Otherwise
  • Life Cycle: Mate Spawn and Die
    • Family Feud
    • Parenting/Pregnancy/Childhood Issues - Nature or Nurture
    • Relationship Issues - Crazy For Loving You
    • Aging Issues: Hot Flashes and Hot Rods? Midlife Crisis, Menopause, and Beyond
    • Spirituality - Luminous Beings Are We, Not This Crude Matter
    • Grief, Death and Dying
  • Your Crappy Life
    • The Health Care System Sucks!
    • Law, Money, and Employment -- Send Lawyers Guns and Money
    • Technology Sucks! - Luddites Unite!
    • News and Politics - Next on Sick Sad World
    • People Suck!
    • Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Transgendered Issues - Out of the Closet and Out of Our Minds
    • Intro to Being a Crazy Student - Whatsamatta U
    • The Confessional
    • I've *Still* Got Issues!
  • Other Crap
    • Whatever
    • I Got the Good Stuff Here
  • Generic Forum Crap
    • Board News - Incoming Message from The Big Giant Head
    • Suggestion Board - I'm Sorry Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That
    • New User Info - It's Not Easy Being Green
    • Introductions - Who The Hell Are You?
    • Moderators - Pay No Attention to the People Behind the Curtain
    • Test Board - Do Not Push the Big Red Button!

Find results in...

Find results that contain...


Date Created

  • Start

    End


Last Updated

  • Start

    End


Filter by number of...

Joined

  • Start

    End


Group


AIM


MSN


Website URL


ICQ


Yahoo


Jabber


Skype


Location


Interests

Found 21 results

  1. Latuda is off the table for now due to the weird reaction. We were considering Depakote, but psych doc just called and nixed that idea due to my NAFLD and chronic hyperammonia issues. So, he wants me to start back on Zyprexa tonight and to call him tomorrow to see how I am doing. He has been calling me daily over the past two weeks. Several neighbors are suggesting assisted living, but my psych doc is saying no way, I'm not at that stage yet. However, my mother started dementia at my age, but his position in this is that when on Zyprexa, it cures the confusion and other debilitating symptoms at least for awhile. He says that if I had early dementia, I would not respond to the Zyprexa as well as I do. My neighbors are now concerned due to my inability to think straight and confusion which they are picking up on. I have known this for sometime and have expressed my concern many times over my brain feeling like it is falling apart and unable to function in the real world. Finally my psych doc is taking me seriously. Dissociation is with me all day long, extreme anxiety and fear/panic/dread all day long, confusion is there all day long, just feeling unwell with these chronic migraines is keeping me in bed 3 days out of 5 days. This is not a functioning life for me. I am afraid to leave my apartment, I am afraid to hear from my neighbors that I am confused and not functioning well. These daily reports are just overwhelming me. I now turn off my phone, close my blinds and live in a shroud of secrecy. I will be seeing my headache/neurologist/seizure doc this week and will bring this up to him as well. I hope I can make the appointment. Just sitting here after taking .5 mg of Klonopin to take the edge off. Will start the Zyprexa this evening or sooner. Just a few points about my environment. Two neighbor threatened my life here (verbally), neighbors that I get close to pass away suddenly (one right in front of me) (I live in an independent living facility and I am the youngest here - most have varying degrees of psychosis/dementia - hard to live with). I went to a party last week and I sat alone at my table while others crowded around with each other excluding me. I left and came home very depressed. I am an easy target where I live, bullies come after me. I have no trust with anyone who lives here anymore. Have been here a year and can't connect with anyone, very depressing, so I stay alone in my apartment. I do not drive and with my agoraphobia, leaving my home and venturing out alone is very very scary to me. Just not a life that I want to keep living. I have to get on something to help calm down my brain so I can function in the world. I have been on most medications now and nothing works or the side effects are too harsh. It's just becoming too hard now to function in this world. Well, thanks for reading *smiles*
  2. I am being targeted and bullied by my neighbors where I live. I currently live in an independent living home. I am the youngest one here (67 years old). Other neighbors who live in my building admitted that I have been singled out and targeted by the bullies that live here. It seems that no matter where I live, I get singled out and bullied. Must be something I am doing. In my new independent living home, there are groups of women that stick together and have scheming get-togethers. I was invited to one and never went back. Unfortunately before I discovered one such neighbor was a party to all this, I had confided in her. She roped me in very easily. I am alone and isolated and there is no support in my life. So, I am easy target. I also am a nice person who does not have the ability to actively hurt someone. I try to get away from these groups (I call them the axis of evils), I put their calls on block so they can no longer text me, I unfriended them on Facebook (I no longer go there anymore). If they don't talk to me once a week, they will send out an alert to go and find me or they will call the cops and to do a welfare check on me. They bang on my door at all hours and yell my name thru the door to get me to come to the door, then they bust in almost knocking me over and sit down for a "chat". While they are chatting they start taking pictures of my cat and my apartment. I should have asked why they were taking pictures inside my apartment, but I dissociated and could not defend myself. I no longer allow them in my home. I won't talk to them over the phone nor text them, nor return their phone calls. The next time they call in a welfare check on me, I will cite them for harassment with the police when they show up. This group of women have admitted to me they are mean and will take action against others who live here if they don't like them, which I have witnessed. So, for now, I walk on egg-shells around them. I stay away from everyone now, keep my blinds closed and don't answer the phone unless I know who it is calling me. My psych doc upped my maintenance medication and added new medication. He's been calling me frequently to see how I am. I do live with sui*ide ideation, so he's worried about me. Unfortunately I am living in Section 8 Housing, so moving is very difficult to do. So, just trying to keep myself safe from the "Axis of Evil". Needed to vent to get it out there what I am living with. Thank you for reading.
  3. My psych doc has called two times to see if I started on the Latuda. I haven't. I originally wanted to wait until the Seroquel and Pamelor left my system before I started anything new. That was 3 weeks ago. Now experiencing inking in of paranoia, insomnia, fear, anxiety, depression, more migraine and it's preventing me from starting Latuda. I have some key appointments I have to keep between now and the end of the month that I absolutely cannot cancel. I don't want to start Latuda and experience overwhelming side effects that will scare me from leaving my home to make these appointments. However, living in agony with these symptoms is horrible and I know I need to start on the Latuda. After todays appointment, I will have 10 business days until my next appointment, I could take a small sample and see how I react for a few days. I'm also still spending like crazy, have maxed out all my credit cards, applied for more. I know I am doing this to comfort myself. However, I am now sending back more than half what I am buying, but I am in trouble with one credit card. I called my bank and asked for help and they agreed to suspend my credit card until I get it under the credit limit. All this spending started after I watched my neighbor pass away and since then I have not been doing my daily walk because the only path I can use with my rollator is right where she passed away. I just haven't been able to get myself beyond this. I tried starting with a trauma therapist but that ended badly, she wanted me to discuss my past traumas in detail during the first and second meeting and half way thru the second meeting I flew out of her room having a panic attack. I kept warning her I needed to work on grounding and she wouldn't, so won't go back. She hasn't called to see why I haven't been back, so will let that one go. I'm a basket case right now.
  4. My husband and I have been married for many years. Over the years, he has gotten upset at me for various reasons, many justified and others....our level of arguing increased about 8 years ago. I do not do well with conflict. I grew up on a family where you said sorry and moved on. I avoid conflict and lie at times to avoid it. Many times, He will recognize my anxiety and call me out. Instead of stating the tough facts and bringing uneasy feelings and thoughts to light, I will provide half truths hoping he will let it go. Pretty much, anytime this happens, he know it and is upset with me. I finally come clean with it all. Many times, my husband has shut down and not talked to me for days and I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. I have become so afraid to bring up anything that I see could cause a disagreement or him to think something horrible of me. So, I lie to myself and hope it blows over and I don’t have to tell him my deepest feelings. Am I crazy? Oh, and I am terrified he will leave me as he has threatened so many times over the years. I fear he will say he has had enough of my anxiety and lies....I don’t know what to do.
  5. I am going to copy this out and hand over to my new trauma therapist, will circle which applies to me. I met with her last week and she educated me with certain diagnoses I was given that now fall under the new PTSD criteria. I also am keeping a daily log of my symptoms and triggers. CAUTION: May trigger * * * * * * * * * * * * Full copyrighted criteria are available from the American Psychiatric Association (1). All of the criteria are required for the diagnosis of PTSD. The following text summarizes the diagnostic criteria: Criterion A (one required): The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s): Direct exposure Witnessing the trauma Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics) Criterion B (one required): The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced, in the following way(s): Unwanted upsetting memories Nightmares Flashbacks Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders Criterion C (one required): Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma, in the following way(s): Trauma-related thoughts or feelings Trauma-related reminders Criterion D (two required): Negative thoughts or feelings that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Inability to recall key features of the trauma Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma Negative affect Decreased interest in activities Feeling isolated Difficulty experiencing positive affect Criterion E (two required): Trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Irritability or aggression Risky or destructive behavior Hypervigilance Heightened startle reaction Difficulty concentrating Difficulty sleeping Criterion F (required): Symptoms last for more than 1 month. Criterion G (required): Symptoms create distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational). Criterion H (required): Symptoms are not due to medication, substance use, or other illness. Two specifications: Dissociative Specification. In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli: Depersonalization. Experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream). Derealization. Experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real"). Delayed Specification. Full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately. Note: DSM-5 introduced a preschool subtype of PTSD for children ages six years and younger.
  6. How did it go? "The only thing we have to fear. Is fear itself!" So a small piece of my history. I was DXed with Anxiety and my doc suggested Xanax. As I've had experience with a person who takes Xanax and his apparent vegging out on it I begged off. I was afriad that whatever happened to him would happen to me. So we went over a list of other Benzos and the only one I knew about was Valium/Diazapam. I knew one person that took it and seemed to be perfectly functional on it. In fact if she had not suddenly stopped taking it I would have had no idea she took it. *Aburpt stopping a drug your taking daily like Valium can have serious baggage. Better to taper off or better yet not take it daily - I think So I tried a half tab and it did nothing. I tried 2mg and again nothing. I asked GDoc if we could up the dose to 5 to 10 and after getting an OK I found that 5 or 6mg was where I could tell it was doing something and that was enough for occasional bouts of Anxiety. I think the buspar helped put up a wall so that anxiety wasn't getting to the curled up on the floor or unable to drive level stuff but the occasional super tense up holding my breath and mouth drying up kind of anxiety that wasn't daily? It worked pretty good. Maybe a handfull of times (Finger counting amounts) I took 10 mg. That was a tad sedating maybe too much unless its the Sky is falling levels of anxiety. So - the Benzos = dementia stuff started going around and I was called to turn in the unused valium and was put on Xanax (As needed) Xanax at the 0.5 mg amount ought to have been like 10 mg of Valium from what I've read but it was (at times) underwhelming. Or perhapes the short lived effect made the interrupted anxiety more noticeable? Anyway I refilled it on a fairly infrequent basis because I was never in danger of using all the tabs in a month. Then I signed up for an automated reminder system for my meds and Vitamins. The Xanax came in monthly and for the last 4 or 5 months I just texted back "1" to refill. The only other option was press 9 to make the system forget about reminding me about that drug. So.... I made a complaint about Xanax maybe 0.5 was not effective or maybe I needed Xanax ER or as I put it Diazapam worked pretty well why not just go back? I think the monthly refilling set off an alarm and I got a major talking to about addiction. After explaining I wasn't using them all that frequent and how extra crappy things were going I got a new DX of severe Anxiety and was put back on Diazapam. At the useless 2 mg dose and reminded not to take it everyday. SIGH... So I see tdoc this week and PDoc in a week or two to figure this out. I'm thinking of bringing in the unused tabs of Xanax to show I'm not shoveling it in. Explain that I think I'm having a short acting or dose problem with Xanax and see if I can't get back to the dose that worked with the Diazapam. Are Benzos the new Heroin of meds? Should they be? The stuff I read from the UK seem to imply this. I'm seeing UK law suits against Doctors for "creating" drug addicts etc. I don't have a dx of paranoia but it seems like the National health care types are finding ways to unprescribe a lot of drugs and therapies. Or is this just me? Whats going on with you guys? If your taking a benzo is there a sudden signal from your doc that they want you off them? My impression is that Xanax is far more addictive then Valium. Or are they just two sides of the same coin? Do you sign pledges not to misuse them? Are you doing meds checks where you are doing an inventory of unused pills? Real problem or?
  7. I'm now in 8th grade and got this problem in the summer of 5th grade when I was so nervous about a 5k race and I ended up vomiting at the end. After that I was always scared of throwing up in public and embarassing myself. It was horrible and I was prescribed to the medication zoloft for my anxiety. It didn't help (at least I dont think so) and nothing changed. Going to school was and sometimes still is a stuggle but after my mom pushed me to go, I kind of calmed down to my surrounding and I was ok. The problem is that Im a runner and everytime I run a long distance, I throw up. Its sooo embarrassing!! I used to be in Cross Country but then I quit because I threw up and I just couldnt go back. Cross Country is starting again and Im afraid to do it because I dont want to throw up. PLEASE HELP!!!
  8. I've been slowly going up on Lamictal. A little over a week ago I started 150 mg. I'm overwhelmed with extreme anxiety, fear and nervousness. Every time I went up (except from 25 to 50) I felt like this but not to this extreme. I'm terrified. Has anyone else experienced this with Lamictal? My plan is to contact my psychiatrist on Monday and I think I just want to get off Lamictal completely. I can't live like this. Actually I'm not living at all. Thank you for any responses.
  9. so I underwent a sleep study a while and was diagnosed with the following: minor sleep apnea, severe restless leg syndrome, and severe hyperactive REM disorder. I believe the third is what's causing my current issue. I get "suck" in dreams. I know I'm sleeping, but I can't get out. I do all the tricks (looking for colour (but I already dream in colour), turning on and off lights, drinking water, etc.), yet I can never get out of the dream. okay, so FINALLY I do. but then I end up in another fucking dream. and this will happen repeatedly until I travel through five to seven dreams. and when I finally wake up for real, I'm covered in sweat, panicking, short of breath, and (my partner says) sometimes even yelling. does anyone else have these "Inception"-like dreams? and if so, how do you manage?
  10. Before I begin: I know you guys are pro-med, pro-treatment. I'm not really claiming that you're wrong, nor am I arguing the effectiveness of such things for others. I'm just stating my concerns, and maybe looking to see what comes out from the soundboard. Fear. It's a constant in this life. There are things that threaten us; or our world view, and those cause that reaction. It's something your mind says 'Hey fucker! This will godsdamn kill you! Stay away! Better yet, RUN AWAY!' What to do then, when the hand that could help you, is a source of that fear? Is there any escape, when that fear and loathing grips you in such a way--that the very notion of what could help, only piles it on more? I'm afraid of psychologists and others in the field. Afraid that whatever cure that may be--if any--will snuff out the higher functions that are now my only salve. I'm afraid that whatever relief granted will only be temporary and that the next crisis or bump in the road will bring be right back to this place. I'm afraid that if I were to talk to a new therapist before actually vetting them, that they would have me committed and permanently hospitalized--thus losing my freedom. (That was the problem with the last pathetic attempt at personal companionship I had. Her not being as wretched and despondent led to problems of support/commitment. That and the distance I believe is what led to my rejection. That and the axiom that: all other men are better partners than me since they are obviously not as crazy, nor do they require constant support--which is never the intended role of any male in any relationship. Again: I know this is wrong thinking--but the thoughts come and will not leave nor let me discard them.) (Addendum: It's really hard time vetting anyone, especially shrinks. These people are designed to get inside your head and tinker with things--I cannot trust one to be honest about their political stances or beliefs on medication, since that might mean they would lose me as a client. Plus the general Curse of Knowledge that comes when one has a professional title and the knowledge that comes with it. Any other perspective is put down as bunk because you, the learned doctor must be able to know what is wrong and how to treat it. They can't be right or know what their saying because they don't have a doctorate in psychology.) The few bad experiences I've had with psychological professionals has tainted me and put me in a position that's averse to treatment. The other side of the problem is that I feel that any treatment that would actually be effective would render me hospitalized, due to the length of time it would take. Or the need for total isolation from stress stimuli. This event starts a chain reaction that would render my life completely pointless as I would not have anyone to go home to should I ever get better enough to get out of said hospital. (It's like my family is in a constant Mexican Standoff. I can't off myself or get hospitalized because then everyone else in my household would do the same--trying to follow me for some insipid reason like mindless drones. Trying to talk to them about anything crushes them so totally that they lash out at me, causing me to remark on my removal and then reaffirming the Mexican Standoff. Honestly, I wish one of us would just shoot so I can sit down.) It's causing issues, since I can't live by myself--again referring to the Mexican Standoff. Even talking about my removal in that means causes everyone to flip their shit and threaten the whole. And any other kind of radical relocation (i.e. another state, etc.) would cause the same kind of suicidal level guilt trip in me that the Mexican Standoff does. So, I'm left with a decreasing number of options that seems to be coming down to one inevitable core principle. Again: I apologize for wasting text space--but one has to at least splash futilely for a bit before slipping beneath. At least to give others the impression that you tried. How have some of you overcome this, if you had it to begin with?
  11. Tip

    Thought Knot

    From the album: Tip's Mind 1

    This one is about when my thoughts are all twisted and knotted and I'm having lots of anxiety. My thoughts are twisted into a knot.
  12. Most people who experience panic attacks only have a few per day or a few every other day. This is because panic is caused by a perceived threat (either real or irrational) which means that these people only perceive a threat every once in a while and they have control over their panic overall. However, there are very severe cases like me in which the perceived threat is constant which causes constant recurring panic attacks. These people like me have no control over this horrifying experience no matter what they tell themselves and no matter what relaxation techniques they use. People like me are unable to calm down. I have a strong phobia which is a fear of me speeding. Therefore, since the Earth is constantly speeding, that is then a constant perceived threat that caused me continuous uncontrollable panic that just might have lead me into being shot up in a hospital. I felt that I might never get it under control and that I would be doomed to be in this near constant state of panic everyday for my entire life which made the panic that much worse. My experience was that I had a panic attack which lasted for 15-20 seconds. After which, I then had 15-20 seconds of relief and then another panic attack immediately afterwards. This process continued on and I thought it might never stop. But fortunately, I now have severe chronic anhedonia (emotional numbness) which has numbed my fear. However, it has also numbed my ability to experience any good feelings whatsoever and I now no longer have any ability to experience pleasure. Usually people who have phobias (such as a spider phobia) go through exposure therapy in having a spider walk on his/her arm. This person would then panic at first, but the panic would then subside and the person would now be virtually cured of his/her phobia. This is unlike me since I could not calm down no matter what and my panic was constantly recurring. I wish to know if there are others who have also perceived a constant threat that was a part of their everyday lives that caused them continuous uncontrollable recurring panic attacks and that if these people ever managed to get something like this under control somehow.
  13. “The ship is safest when it is in port, but that’s not what ships were built for.” ~ Paulo Coelho No matter how many times you repeat those words, it is still there, same old fear that does not let you leave your comfort zone, fear that makes you fear the unknown. So you rather hide, unhappy, asking yourself, what is my passion, purpose of my life, but so scared to make a step forward and discover it, because once you left your old life, there is no way back, you are alone, on your own and there is no guarantee, no one to tell you not to worry, everything is going to be ok. You admire people who followed their dreams, reached their goals and you get confronted with a question “but what are your goals, your passion” and you get the same answer back “I don’t know”. So the answer scares you even more, because how can you not know, are you that stupid?! , how do other people know?! And you panic, because you know, you got only this one chance, and the time is running, so fast that you barely realise it, you don’t have any more time to waste on things you do not like, job that makes you unhappy, so you dig into yourself, looking for an answer, hoping that one day you will wake up and get an idea, idea that will make you discover where your passion lies, what your heart burns for. But you already know that it is going to be more difficult than that. You hear people tell you, you are a dreamer, that you lost a grip of reality, that you are looking for something that does not exist, that you need to settle with your life as it is now and accept it, be grateful for all the good things and blessings, think of the people who do not have a roof over their heads, no food on their plate. They talk to you, as if you are not already aware of all that. They make you think of yourself as spoiled, make you ask yourself “are they right”. But you know, within yourself, that no matter what, you cannot settle for this kind of life, that there is more to it. Well this is how i feel...and this is what i fear...i fear that i will never discover myself, my talents, my passion and that my answer to what i want to do will always be "i don't know, but definitely not this what i am doing now". It is difficult to start, when you do not know where to begin…
  14. May be triggers? Read at your own risk. ... I've had this window sitting in front of me for like 9 10 hours, without knowing what to write, but knowing that I want to write something. Thursday morning I meet with a medical doctor to have a consultation about beginning HRT. The discussion, at least at first, is going to be about doing a "trial"; Going on HRT for 30 or 60 days and seeing how I feel about it. Whether it makes me feel any better about myself, or not. I've seen this suggested by many people, but I've never been able to find any documentation about its medical recommendation. Right now, I theoretically identify as male. I say this because if I'd known what options were available to me, I would have transitioned at a very early age. Even though I have surrounded myself with LGBT people for more than 20 years, transition was something I had never even considered until recently. Mainly because I've never had what I thought of as classic dysphoria. While I've always wished I'd been born a cis-woman, with all accompanying bits, I've never had a *problem* with the parts that I do have. I've never wanted to remove anything. But I've always been a girl, even though right now I look like an overweight, bearded man. I associate with girls. I have always chosen to be the girl, in imaginary scenes as a child, to video games... especially in role-playing games. The online name that everyone has associated with me for more than 20 years is female. I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I truly want. I'm afraid of staying as I am, and I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of the ridicule, harrassment... I'm afraid I'll never look anything like I could have if I'd started young. I know I won't. It's not possible. I afraid to be "that freak," because I'm afraid I'll never come anything anywhere near "passing." I'm afraid of coming out. Of everything that you have to go through in transition. Coming out bisexual was easy. I accepted it in myself, I said it and it was done. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've lost my way. I've lost the only person in the world that I want to have with me. I'm not sure I have the strength or courage that this will all require, especially since I don't know if it will make me feel any more "me"...
  15. I tend to avoid anything that makes me feel more stressed out than I already do, which is why it's been taking me so long to get back to my p-doc. I actually like her a lot. It's just that I have to get my charity care re-upped and since I have a lot on my proverbial plate right now, it's a pain in the butt. But I must be feeling better because I'm on the phone calling today making an appointment and trying to get my meds straightened out. Here's the thing, though. I seem to be doing a lot better. I'm acting stable at work, Im not ranting as much, I'm keeping clean and personable, I'm able to make logical decisions. But all of this scares me more than a little bit. Yes, I'm enjoying not being whacked out, but I'm afraid that demon is around the corner somewhere, lying in wait to possess me again. Part of it is that I'm 50 and I've been ill on and off for a long time, which means my chances of having a relapse are high. I'm scared. I'm scared of making friends and then hurting them or disappointing them. I'm scared that I will do something terrible at work. I'm scared that I will start raving on the subway (I've never done this, but still). I'm scared that my life will go in the toilet again and this time there are no more items to sell, no more safety nets, no more anything. I'm scared I'll kill myself or hurt myself. I feel so fragile right now. I don't like admitting how afraid I feel. I don't even like admitting it to myself. I feel traumatized by my own illness, by people's reactions to it, by my own reaction to it. I feel incredibly deep shame that I know I don't need to feel, because I didn't ask to be sick. Nobody knows how sick I've been because I hid it reasonably well. I don't want pity or fear from people. I just want to live my life and say, 'yeah, I was sick but now I'm better, and I don't know how long 'better' is going to last, but I'm just going to hope it stays like this for a while until I can find a way to fully stabilize or until there's some sort of treatment that's not akin to magic.' And I want, when I say that, for people to be as ok with that as they would be if I was in remission from brain cancer or something. But I'm scared that this isn't what will happen, and so I' don't know if I want friends anymore.
  16. I have SUCH a hard time shutting my brain off as soon as the clock strikes 11PM. It's like the floodgates are opened and all the worries I have just come piling out into my brain and it's impossible to shove them back into their nice little 'ignore me' package I usually have them in during the day. I'm constantly freaking over being able to get a job, my mom's future, my grandparents, turning 30 in less than a year and not having a hubby or a baby and never finding anyone who will love me.. the list goes on and on... the biggest fears are the job and my mom though. I hate it because there's no knowing for sure since it's all in the future. At night, all these things come out and sometimes I start feeling hte beginnings of a minor panic attack. Other times, I just get a huge ball of anxiety right behind my sternum. My xanax tolerance has gone up again so it's not helping me either which is ANOTHER thing that's making me crabby and frustrated. It also doesn't help that the internet never sleeps, and one thing I've learned, is that you NEVER EVER EVER look up something on the internet if you're in worry mode. There's a 99% chance what you will find will only make everything seem 10x worse. Horror stories abound. I'm a new grad and have been out of work for almost a year....the % of new grads making minimum wage rises 70% this year... getting a degree might not even be worth it anymore now... the list goes on and on and on. How do you guys get your brain to STFU (pardon my french) during the night? It's the worst sensation ever. Not only does my worry go through the roof, I end up with insomnia and then I'm a freaking zombie the next day.
  17. Hey everyone I'm not sure if I have anything. English isn't my natural language so I'm sorry if I make errors. I did go in therapy and was tried to get diagnosis for about 10 years but found nothing was explained as a mental disease. However there is a worry I have. It's hard to explain but I sometimes know things that I can't know and then I feel it's not true because I know I can't know the things! What happened someone is going to say before they tell me. This is impossible and so I know it's a delusion. There are many things it could be, doctors used to say this. But, it makes some uncomfortable when really know things I can't know? Is it all delusion? Is this the whole world a big delusion? No! So how does it happen? I'm not psychic or believe to be let's make that sure you all know ok. My worry is the truth of everything and sanity but at this same time knowing that the knowing has to be delusion! I'm a humble person, not big delusion of selfishness. When they say how I know what I know if I know I tell that I don't and it was a guess. They don't believe because a human can't guess reality. It only happens suddenly, never if I want to. I tried to prove for therapist but told it was normal and I need not worry, many believe the delusion only in private! I worry because I don't believe it but others do if it happens. There is proof for the others and I question when I know it can't happen. How can it be the delusion if other convince it happen?
  18. Okay, I'm putting this here because I'm not sure where else it should go. If it belongs somewhere else, please feel free to move it to the right forum. Anyhow, a family member and a friend/ex of mine that I'm still friends with are both leaving this week to start pre-deployment training for the military before leaving for overseas. I am freaking out completely, having horrible nightmares when I do sleep, or just not sleeping. I keep imagining what could happen to them, and I've been a huge crying, fear ridden mess for the past couple of weeks. I don't know how to calm down, and I go to the doctor on Monday, so there's no point in me calling him since I'll see him then. I've been taking my Ativan when the attacks happen, but it isn't helping. I guess what I'm asking is: Has anyone been through a similar situation, and can you offer any advice on how to tell yourself that they're going to be fine once they actually deploy? I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life, and while I know my fears are probably mostly unfounded, I can't help but just freak out, because I can't be there to protect them, or at least really be there for them. Sorry for rambling, and sorry again if this is in the wrong place. I just need advice on how to deal with everything.
  19. I am going to start chantix this month. I asked my doc and can take it with my current meds just fine (prozac and seroquel, and ambien/temazepam as needed for sleep) so the drug interactions are not my worry. I'm simply afraud to quit smoking. I've been a chainsmoker for 23 years. I've tried to quit a few times in recent years and every time I feel really really out of control- what to do with my hands and also the withdrawals bad dreams, and everything. I'm scared. anyone who's got depression or schz here that has quit? how did it go for you: and how did you do it? has anyone used chantix? I tried cold turkey and that didn't work, it was awful. and I tried the patch which was even worse. (I ended up smoking with a patch on- same with the gum) I also tried an e-cigarette...no dice I've done all the e-quit support group stuff too and it's no good. haven't been able to quit for more than a day so I just want reassurance or emotional support from anyone who has quit (or tried to quit) smoking.
  20. discomposed

    oh crap

    From the album: Caffeinated Creativity

    © discomposed

×
×
  • Create New...